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Good morning and happy new year's eve!

 

No word back from my wife on the prayer either way, I offered it up and left it at that.  I prayed over it before sending (facebook message) to make sure it was a blessing acting on the prompting of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit has been prompting me to be more intentional and reach out and invite my wife.  Please pray for me that my words and actions bring glory to God and that they draw Mourning Cloak closer to Him.  Amen!

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Well - I guess my immediate thought was it actually seems like a very self centered prayer.  A lot of "I" in it.  Also, I would never verbalize that its not my job to fix my wife out loud to her.  It implies that you think she is broken and from someone in her situation, maybe you think she is beyond hope.

 

Read through the whole prayer and see if you were in her shoes what the prayer would sound like. 

 

 

TP

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I agree with TP. And my first impression of this prayer is that it might  be an acceptable prayer as crafted by two reasonably happy spouses who were not wounded by ant type of trauma or unfaithfulness (any type, including porn, emotional, sg or... ). This prayer- in my opinion should never be offered by one to the other for both. It would have been much much better to just pray it yourself and keep quiet about it. 

 

Having said that, though, I do believe you are correct in hearing the Holy Spirit's promptings to invite your wife...  but if I was an introvert I sure would not feel invited and blessed by any script that was written for me...

 

I want to say that so many of my efforts at reaching out to my ex were snubbed and criticized.. and many of my words were  controlling and self-centered. I never ever meant them to be... that wasn't what was in my heart.. it was just who I was at those moments in my journey toward greater maturity and true Christ-like love.

 

I think part of what is happening for you is that you are rightly seeing the bigger picture of where your relationship needs to go and then you are coming up with ways to get there instead of just allowing God to do what He will do.   For example, what prompted you to find a prayer and offer it to your wife? I think because you are still growing that you correctly heard the part about inviting your wife more and then didn't quite know how to take your hands off. To me, inviting means that you are asking her to share who she is with you- and maybe with you in prayer. It doesn't mean to go get a scripted prayer and tell her that you think this is a good one for both of you.

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I agree with TP. And my first impression of this prayer is that it might  be an acceptable prayer as crafted by two reasonably happy spouses who were not wounded by ant type of trauma or unfaithfulness (any type, including porn, emotional, sg or... ). This prayer- in my opinion should never be offered by one to the other for both. It would have been much much better to just pray it yourself and keep quiet about it.

 

exactly what I thought too.

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I understand the feedback and see where you both are coming from.  I will continue to invite the Holy Spirit to guide and direct me and seek out God's wisdom in taking action. I believe you are right 4evr that I do see the bigger picture and that I need to rely on God's timing.  To that end I just finished reading Adam Houge's How to Hear from God Easily which has helped to refocus my attention.  Thankfully today I am at peace and have the joy of the Lord in my step, it is a good day, as I see His rich blessings in my life including friends like you taking the time to reach out to me. I am very grateful.

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OK I am back seeking some more wisdom and input.  So last night I happen login to our desktop family computer and saw that my wife's facebook account was logged-in.  I did check out her account and was tempted to delete the internet history but I left if as I felt deleting it would be dishonest. She has been secretive in the past and this is the way the previous two affairs started.  I don't have passwords to any of her accounts.   Well this morning she sent me a facebook message "Did you find anything interesting in my Facebook?"  This is likely in response to me not deleting the history of me viewing the details of her account.

 

I have been praying and seeking God earnestly in how to face the continued secretive behavior.  I feel bullied and manipulated by her behavior constantly walking on eggshells not to set her off.  I want to love her and confront this unhealthy behavior in a Christlike way (Matthew 18) - we need help.  In my experience with the ministry confronting your spouse is not recommended due to the past abuse of the husband.  I get that, but there really has been a welling in me, I believe from the Holy Spirit to address this sooner than later.  The first affair started in December 2011 and there has not been complete transparency in our marriage for years. There is obviously a lot at stake here.  God has strengthened me through this and I am not a basket-case like I was in the past.  I am calm, collected and thankfully have the peace of the Holy Spirit even though I am disturbed by her response.  Again, I am coming here before taking further action as I greatly appreciate your prayers and know that God will use you to help guide me.  Thank you dear brothers and sisters in Christ for your support.

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Yup - Die to yourself and leave it alone.  Apologize for violating her trust if necessary.  I understand that feeling that sits deep in your stomach and sickens your heart but you always have to realize that her affairs were created by unmet needs of that old husband you used to be.

 

In His service....TP

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Thanks TP for your quick response.  I was able to talk with Tony a bit as well and see how his words dovetail with yours.  Praying the Holy Spirit goes before me as I travel home this evening (heavy rain in California) and that my words and actions bless my wife.

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Hang in there my brother, you have got this. Per our earlier phone call, please start writing that heartfelt apology letter we talked about. Remember that you must go first and that it was your actions early on, before the first affair that let her astray. Then, in my opinion, the counseling that you both received (not Joel and Kathy) was not teaching you how to become the Christlike man Nikki needed you to become in order for her to be healed and completely come out of the need to feel safe which is causing her to hold on to those other guys via facebook (you have even said before that she has said she needs a backup plan). Quit worry about the Facebook contacts, activities, etcetera. Those distractions I am pretty certain are coming through in your interactions with Nikki and keeping her feeling unsafe.

 

I am not sure that you have not completely forgiven her for and taken responsibility for her getting into the affairs. As we discussed, before my wife felt completely safe, she refused to give up the affair and kept a backup plan in place. Even today, after 18 months of being back together - I would not be surprised if she still has a contingency plan in the back of her mind and I can not blame her!

 

Honestly David, I know the ministry calls for two years and you have done that and are free to walk away if you feel God leading you that way. The problem is that you may feel it is God when it is really just your feelings getting the best of you. Based on conversations with my wife and your situation I truly feel that Nikki's heart is still win-able. I am being bold here but I am truly feeling that you need to commit to another year. I hate to put any time frame on it cause it is not about time but the commitment, about truly dying to self and loving unconditionally. If you can truly and honestly say that your are doing that, good for you. Take a deep hard look and don't make any rash decisions. I agree with Tim on just leaving the Facebook thing alone (refer back to what I said about feeling safe and needing an exit strategy)! :)

 

My suggestion today for you was for you to write a brand new apology letter from the heart and in your own words (no templates) - it has got to be from the heart or it will not work and it has to be about her and not about you and YOUR FEELINGS, YOUR WANTS or YOUR NEEDS. We talked about this and how it should flow. Take your time, don't rush it and keep it about her and her pain, how hard this must be for her and how sorry you are to have put her through this. 

 

Once you have written it out, POST it back here for feedback before you give it to her. Then once you have given it to her, you step away and don't ever bring it up again. Give her the power to read it, digest it, reread it, talk to you about it or throw it away - you must give her control! :)

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I'm glad the guys wrote what they did. It's what I've been thinking too.

 

I want to tell you how I would have felt if my husband had sent the following to my Facebook account.

 

 

“LORD, thank you for my husband/wife. He/she is such a gift to me. I pray for our marriage. [/size]Help us work together as a team. I know you designed marriage to thrive when a husband and wife function together in partnership like two wings on the same bird, so help us work together in harmony so our marriage can soar to new heights. I recognize that the only part of our marriage I have the power to change is the part I see when I look in the mirror, so help me to be the best spouse I can be. I know it’s not my job to change him/her, but only to love them, so [/size]help me to look for ways to love, respect, encourage and support my spouse in every way possible. Help me to be his/her biggest encourager; not the biggest critic. Let my words and actions build up our marriage and not tear it down. Help me to set a warm tone in our home. Please provide for our needs. [/size]Please take away my worries and replace them with faith. There’s so much in my marriage and my life that feels out of my control, but I gain strength by remembering that you are in control and you are for me and your are with me. Please guide our steps. [/size]Help me to let go of the pain from the past and extend grace to my spouse and to myself. Please don’t let my regrets from yesterday or my worries about tomorrow rob me from experiencing the blessings you’ve placed in our lives today. Thank you for all you’ve done for us. Please guide our steps and give us the wisdom and the courage to make wise choices.[/size]Help us to love each other with the same unending love you’ve given to us.Help us create a legacy with our marriage that will create a positive impact for generations to come. Let our love for you and for each other be unending. [/size]Thank you for your countless blessings. In Jesus’ name, amen.”[/size]

Before I was healed of the wounds from my husband's abuse, I would have internalized these reactions only. We all know how deadly it is to do that.

 

Internal responses to reading that prayer:

 

Oh sure, there he goes again, Mr. Spiritual, trying to manipulate me into praying his prayer because I'm such a wicked sinner and he's so perfect. Who does he think he is?

 

Oh. He wants me to simply let go of the pain of the past and give him grace, does he? Where is the grace he's giving me, I wonder?

 

Hmm, what does he mean by insinuating I should pray for wisdom and courage to MAKE WISE CHOICES. It couldn't have anything to do with the fact that I am Mrs. Black Sheep and he is Mr. Perfect trying to shepherd me onto the "right" path (manipulate, in real life), could it?

 

This is crazy. For years he acts like I'm not a real person, that I hardly exist, then I get "sidetracked" by people who actually notice me, then HE gets all excited and shocked -- and so-called spiritual, and starts looking down his nose at me from new heights of superiority!

 

Does he think I'm stupid, that I don't remember there is a God and how to call on Him? I guess he does.

 

Does he have any desire at all to get to know me, really know me? Doesn't look like it. He just wants me to be his little puppet. I'm dying inside and he wants me to dance to his tune.

 

I don't know how much longer I can bear his patronizing, even for the children's' sake...

 

---

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Thanks MJ.  I really appreciate your insights.  It helps to have a woman's perspective for sure.  There is still more dying to self on my end. I read a good post at Intentionally Yours today about overcoming discouragement at http://www.intentionallyyours.org/blog/2014/03/11/overcoming-discouragement-marriage that further helped guide my thoughts and actions.  Last night it was cold at home, we spoke briefly, but there is obvious distance and pull back from Mourning Cloak.  I did express that I was sorry for violating her trust and that I was not seeking to condemn her with my actions.  I opened the door for her to share her heart/thoughts but she was understandably not ready to talk.  We had a family devotion today and I was able to hug her before coming to work.  I praise God as He guides me through this storm and find joy in His word such as is found in Nehemiah.

 

discouragement.jpg.jpg?format=500w

Edited by ChooseLove
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Hmmm - David, i think I would stop with all the public daily devotionals, prayers, and all the other "religious" stuff for the moment.  Including all the Facebook posts, etc.

 

There was something you said a few posts back, and I can't grab it at the moment, but it was in reference to one of the things that N found attractive about you early on, was your relationship to God (or something to that effect).   Well, its been evident through the years of your marriage the relationship was not manifesting itself at home.  

 

Its entirely possible that all this spiritual mumbo jumbo your doing is turning her off. -   Showing how Christ has changed you is demonstrated in our behavior by the actions of the Holy Spirit.  It seems almost to me like your trying to be demonstrative, yet when you talk about what happened with the Facebook incident, the evidence of change is not taking fruit.  After two years of the Spirit working in you, that shouldn't have happened.  

 

Of course I am not saying to not pray and talk to God, but I'm saying let the evidence of change be your actions.  We don't need to shout from the mountain tops.  I have walked into a quicky mart and had a Muslim say, "wow, you seem different then most people, there is something about you I don't see in other people."  - N will see the change in you.  Let her heart see it, not her intellectual side.

 

Tony is correct.  Two years is not enough - I did three +, David did almost four.   God will release you when the time is right.  You will know it.  If it is God ordained, your future will be blessed. 

 

Hope you don't take offense.... its just something I'm picking up on and thought I would share my thoughts....  Its also some insight I garnered when I was walking through this with B.   And I always trust a woman's insight.

 

 

TP

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Thanks TP.  No offense taken in fact quite the opposite, I am humbled you and so many have taken the time to pour into me, for that I am so very grateful.  I agree that I am not released.  I am not giving up.  I am digging deeper, getting at the root of my failing.  I can't blame her if she does not stick around.  She has been through enough abuse and trauma.

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I was able to get on the call last night with Joel and he shared some insights more of where I have been coming from.  I am glad Tony was able to listen in and give me his feedback.  We are in a cold place as Mourning Cloak decided to sleep on the couch last night.  Fortunately she has allowed me to at least give her a hug the last couple of mornings. She was kind enough to also make a crockpot recipe and make me a bowl and talk about her new TV show she is into. I made it to the gym this morning and I am working on taking care of myself, emotionally, physically, and spiritually staying in the Word, praying often.  I see satan trying to tempt me into SG and to self medicate, to lust because my wife is not responding the way I want her to.  I know that this is an opportunity to grow and I look for the joy in the journey and find what I can be grateful for.  I was able to make juice for Mourning Cloak this morning to bless as she rested in bed before our family devotion.  I can honestly say as troubling and tough as this is, I do feel the presence of the Holy Spirit sustaining me and giving me what I need, step by step.  Thank you all for your continued prayers and support.

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Glad to see this post... I know this is hard.. and I agree with you.. the Holy Spirit leads us into internal change before we see the external changes. Sometimes the other person doesn't change.. or doesn't change in the ways we would hope or expect. Although true (godly) love is almost impossible to resist! But when we come to peace inside .. that's where true healing and true love begins to flow.

 

I went for Christmas to see my daughter and family - at her invitation. And as I thought would happen she was literally a mean spoiled brat to me and the fire got so intense it was so very hard not to just walk out! The meal was perfect, The bed was comfortable. The decorations were great. The grandchildren were a delight, but the heat was intolerable. Until I changed on the inside and began to love- mot of desperation to have my own relationship needs met but from God's perspective. My daughter never apologized or recognized her behaviors. Even after her husband rebuked her twice!! But my internal peace sustained me completely and I was able to love my daughter in ways she needed. I was also able to learn about God's character and love for me. So it was a very good Christmas.

 

You can do this!! Jesus in you, the hope of Glory!

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Thanks 4evr for your post.  I really have been blessed by your words.  It sounds like your interaction with your daughter is similar to mine with my wife.  It appears I can't do anything right, but I am gaining discernment into what is really causing it.  She needs compassion, grace and mercy. I love her so much it hurts to see her push me away, the cortisol levels are through the roof I am sure.  I am praying fervently and I know the hardship and suffering I am going through has purpose and meaning.  I am currently reading Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl which has further helped me to understand suffering.  I highly recommended it as I talked about it on the Men's call on Saturday night.

 

Praise is that I was able to take both kids to the movies yesterday to see Star Wars again in 3-D this time.  We all made it to church and Mourning Cloak and I are in a small Bible study going over Proverbs.  I look at each day as an opportunity, I am pressing on for sure, abiding in the Lord for He is so good and His steadfast love sustains me.  Thank you all for your continued prayers and support.  Have a blessed week.

 

One other quote that spoke to me in the last week that has also helped my mental well-being...

 

ELEANOR-ROOSEVELT-QUOTE-INFERIOR-600.png

Edited by ChooseLove
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Hi all, I was able to get on the men's call briefly last night.  There has been cracks in the coldness in that she is generally talking with me.  I do my best to listen and minimize talking.  Also I continue to look to other ways to bless her like making tea this morning which she likes and running out to Taco Bell last night for a favorite snack. I am glad these little things can bring a smile to her face.  

 

Lord I invite you into my life and marriage, may you be glorified and bring us both to an outrageously happy marriage.  Thank you for your abundant blessings you bring into my life.  I hope onto your promises and know that you are doing a great work in me as well as Mourning Cloak.  I love you Lord.  I love my wife.  I am ever so grateful that you have allowed me another day to enjoy.

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Good morning all,

 

I pray you all have a blessed weekend with loved ones.  A highlight from my devotion this morning...

 

SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by MARSHA BURNS:
I will show you things that you need to recognize from your past--things that will reveal a need for correction.  But, you must not dwell on times of rejection and reproach, which could cause you to lose heart.  Rather, review your life's difficulties objectively with an eye to make adjustments, says the Lord.  This is an opportunity for freedom and greater spiritual strength.  Revelation 3:19 "As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten. Therefore be zealous and repent."

 

I also read a good article today on Fixing Our Eyes on Jesus at http://www.ligonier.org/learn/articles/fixing-our-eyes-on-jesus/.  

 

I am still working through the apology letter.  Praise that my wife actually said the words I love you to me this morning, it was refreshing to her from her.  Thanks be to God for my wife and family.

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 SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by MARSHA BURNS:

You have been presented with certain unexpected challenges, which have resulted in a setback.  However, this too shall pass.  You have not gotten off course, nor has your spiritual focus changed.  You will soon fall into a rhythm with a comfortable stride, says the Lord.  Just keep pressing through and refuse to get discouraged.  2 Corinthians 4:17-18  For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.
 
I thought this devotion was timely for the day.  My wife shared a key insight the other day in that I was DISCOURAGING her and I didn't realize it.  She had mentioned travelling to a place for her birthday and she noted by default response was not encouraging.  It certainly gave me pause to reflect and I acknowledged where she was coming from.  I am thankful for insight like that.  
 
I continue to face a headwind in the area of real intimacy (physical or otherwise).  Each day I seek to bless her with hugs, kisses, compliments, and smiles but more often than not they are received lukewarmly or dismissed altogether.  I choose to have a mindset of encouragement, positivity and empowerment, knowing that God gave me a mind that as the ability to choose my attitude and how I approach life.  I am saddened Mourning Cloak is often in a negative state of mind and consistently finds faults with little encouragement.  I have seen such healing in the ministry when both spouses are on the same page working together, however we are just not there.  I pray the soul ties are broken so that she is able to turn toward the marriage completely as she sees my ongoing commitment and love flow from Christ.  
 
Today our family read from Luke 6:27-38 on loving your enemies which was part of the verse of the day from my YouVersion Bible App which I highly recommend.  It paints such an important picture on what true love really is. 
 
I speak blessings over the life, body, soul, spirit and heart of Mourning Cloak.  Her heart is healed by the love of God and she is healthy and whole enough to pass this healing onto others.  Mourning Cloak sees herself as beautiful to God, herself and her husband.  She is balanced in her emotions and makes sound decisions, following the leading of the Holy Spirit.  She sees success as making God smile.  She makes God smile everyday.
Edited by ChooseLove
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Hi ChooseLove.

I am encouraged to see that you are sharing as you are.. as I said before this gives the helpers more insight to help you and more specific prayer focus. I want to ask you about the prayer that you are posting for your wife...

 

1. Who chose her username?  The names we "cover" ourselves with can influence our journey through life.

2. Can this prayer be more intimate and personalized?

 

What I mean is that I recognize the faith declarations of goodness and blessing but when I read it, i don't "feel" good about it. I never have... And I am not sure why.. but I just thought I would say something because i figure this is my female intuition kicking in. I find myself wondering if your faith is in this "positive " prayer because of the Scriptures about life and death being in our tongues?

 

What I think I am sensing - maybe? - is more formula which leads back to depersonalization and disconnection which are demonic assigns to break the beauty of loving emotional intimacy... 

 

How about something like this:

 

Heavenly Father, in the name of Jesus, I ask for and speak  blessings over my wife. (pause here and listen to see what kind of blessings God wants you to release over  her life and/or what He would lead you to do for her)  I thank You Lord that You are healing her heart with Your Perfect Love  (leave off the passing the healing onto others because this is a naturally occurring event when people are truly healed. It doesn't have to be "prayed" or "declared". And by putting on this expectation the prayer becomes more about what you hope and want than about what is really best for her.)   Mourning Cloak sees herself as beautiful to God, herself and her husband. (While this is a good thought, it just kind of jerks me... I don't know? Am I sensing more of what you want and less of a prayer that is truly for her?? Not sure? )  How about this.. I pray for my wife's beauty - inside and out- to become as evident to her as it is to everyone else and that she would be encouraged and blessed by this revelation.   (Then again pause and ask God if you are to be silent or if there is a specific way you could encourage your wife in this?)    I pray for strength and stability in my wife's emotions and thoughts.. I ask for Your glory and power Lord to heal every wounded, fragile place in her heart that my sins against her have caused.... and I thank you God for this! (Leave off the decision making thing unless God leads you to that... because good decisions come naturally when our souls- i.e. mind, will and emotions are healed)     She sees success as making God smile.  She makes God smile everyday. This feels controlling and manipulative to me...   How about: I pray for my wife's success and enjoyment in all that she puts her efforts in today.. blessings on her work, her friendships and her ___________.
 
Heavenly Father, in the name of Jesus, I ask for and speak  blessings over my wife. I thank You Lord that You are healing her heart with Your Perfect Love. I pray for my wife's beauty - inside and out- to become as evident to her as it is to everyone else and that she would be encouraged and blessed by this revelation. I pray for strength and stability in my wife's emotions and thoughts.. I ask for Your glory and power Lord to heal every wounded, fragile place in her heart that my sins against her have caused.... and I thank you God for this! I pray for my wife's success and enjoyment in all that she puts her efforts in today.. blessings on her work, her friendships and her ___________.
 
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ChooseLove, I am very glad that 4evr went to all the trouble of writing this post today! When I read her post I wanted to say, "Exactly!"

 

There is still a holier-than-thou ring to your prayers and comments concerning your wife.

 

We want to see success! That's why we are doing some digging and scraping.

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