Jump to content
God Save My Marriage

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 529
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Thanks MJ.  Last night we talked about more about our physical intimacy.  This continues to be an area that is in need of healing to become more healthy.  My primary love language is physical touch and my wife being an introvert generally prefers more physical space and less touch.  For the first time she acknowledged we may need 3rd party help in this area.  

 

There is certainly brokenness here that needs repair and both my wife and I could use help in this area.  So the good thing is we recognize the problem, the harder part is the way forward.  I encouraged my wife to do her own discovery into possible resources to help us.  It would be great to get on a couples call with her but I don't believe she is up for that yet.  So right now I am doing my best to be an encourager.  If others have recommended resources please share them. Perhaps my wife might be willing to get on the women's call with Kathy to discuss further.  I am praying for discernment in this area.Thank you all for your input.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Heavenly Father, in the name of Jesus, I ask for and speak  blessings over my wife. I thank You Lord that You are healing her heart with Your Perfect Love. I pray for my wife's beauty - inside and out- to become as evident to her as it is to everyone else and that she would be encouraged and blessed by this revelation. I pray for strength and stability in my wife's emotions and thoughts. I ask for Your glory and power Lord to heal every wounded, fragile place in her heart that my sins against her have caused.... and I thank you God for this! I pray for my wife's success and enjoyment in all that she puts her efforts in today... blessings on her work, her friendships and her walk with you gaining your wisdom. Amen.

Link to post
Share on other sites

So the good thing is we recognize the problem, the harder part is the way forward.  I encouraged my wife to do her own discovery into possible resources to help us.  It would be great to get on a couples call with her but I don't believe she is up for that yet.  So right now I am doing my best to be an encourager.  If others have recommended resources please share them. Perhaps my wife might be willing to get on the women's call with Kathy to discuss further.  I am praying for discernment in this area.Thank you all for your input.

 

Has your wife told you what is holding her back?

 

I have been thinking of one caution to give you.  When you and your wife DO begin ML, I hope you will make absolutely sure that you do NOT ignore her afterward, or act like it's just another ho hum day.  Of course, don't go over the top with exclamations, either.  Continue to be warm and loving.  

 

Don't do whatever you used to do "after".

 

I'm sure you understand.  

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

My primary love language is physical touch and my wife being an introvert generally prefers more physical space and less touch.  

 

Be cautious in this area.  Personally, I'm not a bid fan of Gary Chapman if that is what you are going by.  Your wife may be very affectionate, but something from her childhood, a prior relationship, her Dad,  as well as your marriage before you started to change, may have taught her to protect her heart.

 

I speak from personal experience on this.

 

Also - remember some women may feel like they are prostituting themselves with sex.

 

TP

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks MJ and TP for your comments.  I really appreciate the insights.  This past week more walls have gone up and she has been pulling away.  She has a lot of anger toward me, it appears to be her default setting to see the worst in me, how I fail her even in the little things.  It feels like I can almost never do right by her no matter how hard I try.  I am a bit tired and weary at the moment.  I see my own struggles daily facing her negativity and doing my best to be encouraging, but I am still failing as we not in a very healthy place overall as a marriage.

 

Yes, I was speaking of Gary Chapman and his book the 5 Love Languages of which we also have the ones specifically written for men and women. TP I believe you are on the right track.  

 

Today is a new day, to God be the glory as I walk this out.

 

Heavenly Father, in the name of Jesus, I ask for and speak  blessings over my wife. I thank You Lord that You are healing her heart with Your Perfect Love. I pray for my wife's beauty - inside and out- to become as evident to her as it is to everyone else and that she would be encouraged and blessed by this revelation. I pray for strength and stability in my wife's emotions and thoughts. I ask for Your glory and power Lord to heal every wounded, fragile place in her heart that my sins against her have caused.... and I thank you God for this! I pray for my wife's success and enjoyment in all that she puts her efforts in today... blessings on her work, her friendships and her walk with you gaining your wisdom. Amen.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You know, and please understand I am not being critical, but I wonder if it would help if you shift your prayer focus.

 

I always seeing you praying for your bride versus yourself.

 

If it were me, I would be asking God for the wisdom and guidance to bring healing to my wife.  I would be asking for Him to put my heart in a place of understanding and love.  My immediate thought when I read your post, is that "CL is missing something".  Something he is doing (or not doing) is not bring a sense of safety to his wife's heart.

 

Just my .02

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you both.  On a positive note I did get to give a brief hug and kiss to my wife before bed last night and again this morning.  I have been thinking about your post on shifting my prayer life TP and meditating on that.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

Glad to see the forum back up again.  Thank you for the behind the scenes folks keeping things up and running.

 

Quick praise report before I head to bed.  We are definitely continuing a warming trend increasing the oxytocin and bonding between us! I praise God as he continues to heal our marriage.  Have a blessed night all.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

value-Jayson-Gaddis.jpg

 

Saw this the other day and read the accompanying article at http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/04/why-we-cheat-why-we-get-cheated-on/.  The statement that stood out to me was...

 

Victims of cheating are, nine times out of ten, in my experience, people who feel bad about themselves. In other words, cheating happens most often to people who don’t value or respect themselves.

 

This is true in that I did not truly embrace God's love for me, so in effect I was not able to love my wife in a more Christlike way.  

 

The praise report today is we are consistently doing better overall.  I look at how I can be a better husband and bless my wife accordingly.  Living sacrificially and dying to self each day take mindfulness and intention and a whole lot of Jesus in my life.  Some days I am better at this than others, but I continue to get up when I fall through my faith in Christ and the amazing grace and love I receive from Him daily.  Thank you Lord for my wife and family.  I am so blessed.  May I glorify you in my thoughts, words and deeds. Amen!

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Victims of cheating are, nine times out of ten, in my experience, people who feel bad about themselves. In other words, cheating happens most often to people who don’t value or respect themselves.

 

PLEASE, be careful. I am not familiar with Jayson Gaddis but this sounds, on the surface, like a secular psychiatrists response, sorry if I am wrong. I am not questioning if this is right or wrong, and I appreciate the way you responded.

 

This is true in that I did not truly embrace God's love for me, so in effect I was not able to love my wife in a more Christlike way.

 

Here is my concern, this could be used to justify, our not “pulling our heads out”' and getting self out of the way so we can love our wives in the way Christ would. Remember if a husband gets into an affair it is because he isn't getting himself out of the way and putting others (his wife and children) first and if a wife gets into an affair it is because her husband isn't meeting her needs.

 

I am definitely not an authority on the subject and from my opinion you took it properly, but another husband may read it and justify himself by thinking that the affair was caused by her poor self value rather than his not meeting her needs.

 

Also after reading his article it looks to me like he is condoning cheating as an alternative to monogamy in some cases. This is definitely not a biblical teaching.

 

Keep up the good work, I am not on here often, but when I do get on I usually come here and to Forrest Gumps threads. Thanks.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks HisSon, I can see where you are coming from.  My main point was that as we embrace God's love and how He has made us worthy we are better able to be the man and husband God has designed.  We are attracted to God's good nature and want to draw near to him.  Let the light of God shine in you and may His love be evident to all.  People are drawn to that light, but left to ourselves we are a miserable mess.  Hopefully I will hear you on the calls again, it has been a long time.  God bless you brother!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I understand where you are coming from and agree with you. I am not sure I agree with what Jason wrote. I will need to think and study on it.

 

Because of financial reasons I have gotten off the men's call, but am on couples call now and then. Work has been slow this winter. We need to move and are in the middle of buying a home, you know how many "unexpected" costs can come with a real estate purchase.

 

Keep up the good work, and bless the socks off your wife.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...

Good morning all,

 

It has been awhile since I have provided an update.  Overall the trend has been more warm than cold.  One area I am a bit weary on however is the depth and frequency of our physical interaction.  I do my best to initiate, but when there is consistent rejection and rebuff it gets wearisome and I see how I have responded in a passive-aggressive ways.  I really am trying to decipher what are my actions and her corresponding responses - are they related to me or are they Mourning Cloak's own issues she needs to resolve.  Unfortunately it is VERY difficult and tense to even raise the topic with her.  She almost instantly puts up a wall and it can last for days until there is an equilibrium of sorts.  

 

I truly want a passionate, affectionate, fun-loving marriage where we can be transparent and enjoy the rich gift of physical intimacy that God gave us.  I happen to just read "Can a marriage survive without sex?" the other day which was helpful. Please pray for me in this area and share any other resources you think would be helpful.  Thank you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey ChooseLove,

 

Hope and pray that things are still warming and will eventually turn HOT for you and your bride. Just wanted to remind you that you are going to have to leave it up to her to accept the initiations from you in the intimacy area - in her timing, not yours. Her heart is being drawn to you more and more each day but she is holding off, in order to be safe and protected. One day she will step out of her safe zone and you will need to be ready or just like a turtle, she will snap back into her shell. Above all things, pursue Godliness and you will be ready....

Your job is to keep pursuing, unconditionally, period, exclamation point!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...