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Happy new year all. I finished both of Kathy and Joel's books. The Christmas holiday through New Year went well overall. I am thankful for the family time.

 

At times I start to lose hope as my wife stays in the affair while we are still living in the same house.

 

I continue to remain positive, giving smiles, and compliments whenever I can. Physical touch is more sparse and I am fortunate if I get one hug a day.

 

My wife still has the mindset that she wants a divorce and I believe eventually will try to connect with the other man. I am concerned I may be an enabler as this is the second affair in the last year with the first one starting December 2011. I really am trying not to focus on her current affair but it is tough. I welcome your feedback.

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You have answered your own question. Where is your focus?  On you? your marriage? or meeting your wife's needs as a Christ-like servant?

What we try NOT to focus on becomes our focus. Focus on what you want... Your goal should be your maturity into a loving supportive man who resembles Jesus!

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All of your posts are about how you feel. While you do need to acknowledge and deal with your feelings appropriately, I'd like to see some understanding of your wife's heart. If you don't have that understanding, you're not going to have a prayer of saving this relationship.

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Thank you all for your input today.  I am working on being a student of her and recognizing better her feelings/needs and anticipating them.  You are right it is easy to go to my feelings - dying to self is hard work, but work I am certainly most willing to do.  Over the holiday I was able to see her preferences for how to spend time with the family and go with it, not pushing her for what I want to do.  When she has started to get tense I make sure not to press her.  I have been working on just listening more when she wants to talk/share and that has been good.  

 

I like the hug observation - yes be the initiator!  I am working on that too. I offered to do a devotion with her regarding praying with our kids last night, but she is not ready for that at the moment so I did not push the issue, she knows it is available to her as well as the opportunity to read the Bible and pray together.   I have found if I keep bringing something up she has not embraced it only serves to push her farther away - again I am learning more about her responses both verbal and non-verbal.

 

Right now I believe I need to reliably and consistently show her how I am becoming Christlike, irregardless of how she treats me or how I feel.  This will take time I know so I am constantly need to remind myself not to look for changes in her, but really in me. There are times I start to get discouraged and lose hope, but I pick myself up and pursue God intently nonetheless.  I am giving my all until there is nothing else to give.  God bless you all this day.

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Looney I think she is wondering if my change in behavior and approach will stick.  She has noted my pendulum has swung wide and does not want me to be disappointed should the route of divorce ultimately come to pass.  The last couple of weeks I have really worked hard to treat her as my queen and give preference to her, serving her and putting her needs ahead of mine.

 

She does know that a divorce will take a heavy toll on all of us and the stakes are high, particularly for our young children.  She does not feel safe and secure because of the number of people of I spoken to in the last few months.  I have told her that anything told to me would be held in confidence and only shared with a 3rd party counselor.  So far these are only words between us as she has not shared any more details with me and I have not pressed her to either, just offered that I am willing to listen.

 

I would say she probably still feels that I am crowding her and not giving her free reign to do as she pleases.  Again I know this is related to how the multiple affairs have affected me and my need to know what is going on (controlling).  I think overall however she would say she would indicated a lessening of my grip of a need to know and pressing her - backing off, while remaining engaged (not depressed, poor me thinking) and in fact working on continuing to smile, joke and overall be a fun person to be around.  

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Hi Looney,

 

I would say she is not likely thinking all that much about me in reality.  I think she would think about me in the context of the relationship to our children, and perhaps how I have made her life a little easier this holiday watching the kids, cleaning house and doing some nice little things (running errands to the store, getting her tea).

 

She is likely thinking about the kids, the other man, her Mom (closest friend and family member) and other news/politics.  I sent her a quick text to say hi and see how her and the kids were doing today.  She indicated they were out very near my office and I indicated I would like to join them for lunch - she said no, she had other plans. So again it appears to me she is not thinking much of me. Whether she thinks of me or not I am compelled to love her where she is out and not expect anything in return for now.  

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I think she would think about me in the context of the relationship to our children, and perhaps how I have made her life a little easier this holiday watching the kids, cleaning house and doing some nice little things (running errands to the store, getting her tea).

 

 

Probably not even that, in all honesty.

 

If she is having an affair, she's thinking about how to get away from you and how to be with the other guy. She is probably rather ticked off that you are trying to change, because she wants justification for leaving you. She wants to spend as little time with you as possible so that if you are changing, she won't see it.

 

You need to understand where her heart is. Not where her heart is in relation to YOU. Where her heart is in relation to HER life, what she wants and needs.

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Thanks Looney.  We have spent more time together overall as a family and even one on one (short snippets of a few to 15 minutes) in the last week or so.  We did take a family photo together on New Years Eve, so maybe it is for show, but I believe she is at least holding off pushing for the divorce at the moment, but I agree she is likely ticked off that I am changing and how that affects her exit plans.

 

I am doing my best to listen and not talk so much to really hear her wants and needs, but I am open to other suggestions and observations in ways I can better take in  her wants and needs in relation to her life at the moment.  Right now I am just getting into the Men's calls and keep going back to books to help better educate myself and help me learn new ways to help myself be better attune to her.

 

Thanks Looney for continuing to work with me.  I truly appreciate the insights.  

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Hi all,

 

I have a good update to report.  I was able to talk with my wife last night and again this morning.  I have been sharing how my change came about in reading the books and getting involved with the ministry.  She sees the changes and asked me why I didn't make them years ago.  She indicated whether or not she would get credit for the way I abused her emotionally in the past which I self described myself as an abuser.  I told her I am sorry it has taken so long, but the scales have fallen from my eyes.

 

I asked her what she needed right now and she replied time.  I told her I have not time table and to take the time she needs.  She has been so fixated on the route of divorce for awhile now - it appears she is reassessing that position - thanks be to God!  

 

This morning I brought her toast and tea in bed.  She and I were able to talk a bit more.  She had a good morning overall with the kids and I was able to rub her back and give her a hug goodbye for the day.  I just got back from lunch in which she asked me to join her and the kids.  Again it was a positive experience.  I believe I am starting to see changes in her heart.  I know this will take time so I don't want to get ahead of myself.  There is still work to be done on me as I change my ways of thinking.  I told her this morning again that our relationship is the most important one and spending time with her and the kids is my main priority over all other things in my life - she smiled at that.  

 

I praise God for the way He is working in me and softening my wife's heart.

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Sounding good!!! Just remember this.... Whenever you feel the need to point out to your wife that you're changing... You're really not.. Let your actions speak for you, not your mouth ;)

God bless

And one more helpful hint.... Your wife said she needs time.. So NEVER ask her for a status update... That WILL put pressure on her and you might not like the answer..... Just keep living this out and be Christlike.. Your wife will give you updates when HER heart is ready.... PLUS.. You don't want to be looked at as a puppy doing tricks for a treat... Just maintain and let God work ....

God bless

Edited by Charles from Cali
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Awesome input. Thanks Charles.  I like what you are saying about changing.  The Men's call is helpful for spurring on change as well as this forum.  Yes I talk a lot - too much.  I pray the actions continue to speak for me.

 

I told her take all the time she needs,  i will heed your advice and not probe her for an update, I understand that will come in God's time.

 

Again, thank you for the encouragement.  I am excited to become more Christlike - dying to self only to realize what is to come is SO MUCH BETTER.  Going into the weekend hopeful and thankful.

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Set back today?!  My wife was contacted by a coworker (Christian woman) who is a friend at work who reached out to my wife via facebook today with a long message.  I know she has a heart for the Lord and the motivation was a Christian friendship and love as she herself was involved in an affair (not married at the time).  She has been praying for our family since October but did not become aware of the affair until late November from my wife's former best friend (also happened to be our maid of honor at our wedding) mentioned the affair.  I confirmed this with my wife because she wanted to know what I shared with her.  I told her have not talked about any other details with her and have closed my circle of those whom I am talking to, particularly in the last month or so.  Her security and trust is of my utmost concern especially since I talked to much early on. I am very sensitive to this based on my previous behavior. 

 

I feel I have a problem with talking to too many people for reassurance.I freaked out a bit today and even texted Joel and another close male friend to pray for me/us shortly after this came out today. She ended staying in the bedroom for hours until about ready to leave to have dinner with her Mom.  Finally she emerged and seemed OK.  I tried to emphasis I was concerned for her feelings and wanted to hear her out.  I tried to give her a hug but the opportunity was not there.  She asked if I contacted anyone and I admitted I did which seemed to confirm her suspicions rolling her eyes so to speak.

 

I am now at home with the kids.  I pray that the evening unfolds without too much animosity.  The day started pretty well as I made her breakfast in bed and presented her a DVD she had on her wishlist.  She has had a sore throat as well and has been under the weather so I have been involved with the kids most of the day so she could rest in peace which she did staying in bed until the early afternoon.  

 

Thanks all for hearing me out.  The Men's call today was great to hear and I know God will have the victory - I pray this set-back will pass as I continue to agape love my wife and family.  Peace be with you.

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Good morning all,

 

I wanted to provide another update. 

 

Sunday (1/5) - I was gone most of the day to sell of collectibles to make more space at home and earn some additional money also helping a nearly homeless man I know who helped me.  Before I left I made little love notes with Bible verses for my two kids and wife.  When I got home the note was still up to my wife in which I signed it with love.  She and I texted a few times during the day which were positive in tone.  I was able to pick-up dinner for her and the kids coming home and we had a nice time as a family.

 

Finally we watched some TV and then put the kids to bed. I was able to have another good conversation with my wife on Saturday evening - she has been reading Joel and Kathy's books. 

 

Her biggest hurt is that I have talked to so many people, in her words the feathers have been thrown in the wind and can't be recovered.  Yes it is true I did talk to specifically Christian brothers and sisters who I trusted to pray for us and support us getting through this.  This was primarily in the weeks right after finding out about the second affair. At this point I felt fairly helpless to alleviate that hurt and could only point to Joel and Kathy's restoration and others.  I noted Kathy spoke to many when she found out about Joel's adultery as discussed in the first book.  I have let her know that I have witnessed some healing like the recent Men's call on Saturday and that God can do anything.  I did not want to push it too much. I did suggest the Women's call and/or possibly talking with Kathy directly which she seemed open to.  I am hopeful for possibly getting into a week long marriage intensive but don't want to push that just yet as she is showing real interest in my changes but certainly is in a wait and see mode right now.

 

This morning I made breakfast for her and rubbed her back and arm while resting in bed giving her a kiss on the forehead and check.  She has been more open to physical touch as I gave her a hug before heading out this morning to run some errands.  I am under the weather myself so I am trying to take it easy to.  Overall I think each day is a step forward in the right direction.  It is such a different feeling now.  I really missed my wife and kids yesterday at the end of the day.  I could not wait to be back home.  I told her again that she is my priority and that work could wait - she smiled.    

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Another update today -

 

Good news is my wife has nearly finished reading both and Kathy and Joel's books.  We both highlighted the books in different colors so it is very helpful for me to go back and see what she highlighted that was the same and different. One area of abuse I did not see I was doing was spiritual abuse - that has been an eye-opener for me, particularly it helps explain WHY she did not want to get invovled with ministries as church since our marriage was not what it was suppose to be in Christ!  Another a-ha/duh moment for me!

 

I did approach her and suggested we go to an intensive.  I pray that she will be open to that.  Right now she is still so hurt by the fact I have talked to so many people about the affair/marriage struggles.  I pray that as I pursue her to win her heart while continuing to become more Christlike she will be healed.  I am getting a lot out of both the men's and couples calls and I keep going back to the books.  All those helping to host the calls are a true blessing - thank you for giving in that way in addition to those of you on the forums as helpers.  I pray one day I can be on the giving end of things with my wife.  Thank you all for your continued prayers and support.  Have a blessed day!

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HI all,

 

I continue to update my journey under the thread - http://forums.godsavemymarriage.com/index.php?/topic/7598-new-here-my-story-of-a-broken-marriage/.  For some reason it does not appear to pop-up under new content or show on the right side when I update it.  Suffice to say the big news last night my wife shared with me was:

 

1) She is BACK on the fence about staying married/divorced.  Previously on 12/5/13 she told me she was done with the marriage

2) She told me she is still having difficulty sharing with me and if I shared with any other outside of this ministry/counseling she WOULD BE DONE with the marriage.  I take this stance VERY seriously.

3) She made it clear her heart is still with the other man - she is still in love with him and she made it clear that is the battle I am facing.  I told her I would not quit and I would die trying to save our marriage.  

 

It is delicate as I am at TALKER and I need to be a better listener.  I started to push again about the intensive and sleeping in the bed again forcing her to say no/stop pressurring her.  That is my insecurities coming up - wanting to be connected. I listened and backed-off.

 

 She is still very hurt I have talked to so many people and has made it clear that anything she shares with me needs to stay between us and the 3rd party counseling here and my current counselor - no where else.

 

I remember reading somewhere it gets harder when the wife shares.  I am ready to face the pain head on, I know this journey will be difficult.  I am praying that my words and deeds honor the Lord and that I become more Christlike - WINNING my wife back.  Thank you all for helping me to man-up and do the hard work that is necessary.

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Hey CL,

 

Don't worry about  whether or not the thread pops up. We helpers know who is actively posting and we do keep up with your thread. Sometimes it may take us a bit to get to you - we are all volunteers and have to deal with real life. ;) Sometimes we read but need to let a reply percolate for a bit before we post it. And sometimes we just don't have anything that needs to be said right then. Be assured that we do follow what's going on.

 

I'm going to merge this in with your regular thread . . . probably tomorrow.

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Thanks Cindy!  You do amazing work on the forum and the phones.  I appreciate the feedback.  I will continue to share input with others as well as I try to stay on top of the different topics out there. God bless you and your family.  Praying for Jesse in particular.  Peace be with you.

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Here's the link to Steve and Melissa's thread.

 

This is usually one of my homework assignments when guys join the ministry . . . I can't believe I missed you. :roll: You will learn so much as you read through this. If you have any specific questions, just post them here. I will kick Steve in the butt and get him to answer you. :P

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Thanks Cindy.  Lots of reading for sure.  It was great hearing Steve and you both share this week.  I am so tired of my old ways and how much I hurt my wife.  So glad to kick that passive, manipulative, controlling guy to the curb and be a new creation in Christ.  

 

I was able to talk to my Father in Law today and share what I have learned, confessing areas of abuse and neglect.  Fortunately he is also a pastor and very forgiving man himself so he prayed over me. God is working on me for sure.

 

I thank God I can finally see!!  It is a miracle.  I am PASSIONATE about winning my wife's heart back.  We have our first date set for Sunday! Praise the Lord.  God is good.  

Edited by ChooseLove
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Praise report!!!

 

Yesterday I called my bride to see if I could get her lunch as I was at work.  She was crying and I asked if it would be alright if I came home and she agreed.  Through God's divine providence she had just ended the affair with the other man.  They both agreed it was the right thing to do.  I was able to be with my wife the rest of the day, listening, holding her, just being present.  I am THANKFUL and I praise Jesus for this miracle.  She is coming back to me - I see the changes in her as I followed the teachings of Jesus through this ministry.  Thank you all for your prayers, admonishments, and continued accountability.  This is a HUGE step in our recovery.  

 

Both my wife and I have thoroughly jumped into the books and I am so glad I was ripe for them as a man.  They hit me straight to the heart and head.  I no longer want to be that man I was - I am so thankful I am a new creation.  I am able to truly hear my wife's heart and see how I have abused and hurt her for so long.  We are on a new journey together.

 

For you men out there reading this - please don't hesitate and put into practice what you learn here.  It was hard at first, especially putting aside my consumption with the affair, but I soon realized I needed to love my wife no matter what and pursue her as Christ pursues us.  He does not wait for us to respond to him.  Please don't wait - take action today, for you will be blessed as you become more Christlike and so will your wife.  God is good and he wants us to enjoy him and life together.  To God be the glory! 

Edited by ChooseLove
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