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Okay! 

 

I just want to make sure you are viewing the incident from your wife's perspective.  The fact that you failed a test, or made a mistake, or got into "trouble" AGAIN, is beside the point.  It really is. 

 

You are matur-ING!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Still here.  Learning more about my wife and myself everyday.  I had gotten away from reading J&K's books 10 minutes everyday and have begun to do that again and it has refocused me. I am still checking in on both the men's and couples calls.

 

It is amazing when we really seek to love like Christ - never forsaking, leaving or giving up. Instead defending. protecting, nurturing, encouraging, covering, living sacrificially in an understanding way.  At the outset of the ministry as much as I understood I should not be looking for a response from my wife, it was still there.  Only in the last couple weeks have I come to be more at peace with matching where she is at.  At times I catch myself wanting a response, but I am catching myself more each day and turning that back to God.  I will continue to love her where she is at as long as it takes for us to be fully restored. :)

 

I admit at times it is hard not to give her more hugs and kisses or snuggle up next to her at times as my heart wells up with love for her. She is clear she still needs space to heal, particularly in area of physical touch and that she will let me know when she is open to me pursuing her in that area.  I practice giving smiles and compliments in the mean time and look for moments she is receptive to a hug or kiss.  I know that I have a tendency to pressure her and that is coming from my wants/desires - still learning to die to self.

 

Helpers, particularly the ladies posts and threads, have really helped highlight to me how much of a passive jerk I have been to my wife before I found this ministry.  I am so sorry to read what the different women have gone through, particularly the men that did not honor their wedding vows and pursue their wives, giving up!  The crazy, circular, indecisive, "it's your fault", doublespeak behavior I read about gets me upset too. :mad:    I hate that for years I turned the tables on my wife making her the "bad guy" in our relationship.  It is my aim to build her up and continuing to acknowledge the many ways she was and is RIGHT and I was wrong, particularly in the past where I had blatant disregard for her. :sad:  I am so very thankful that we are still in the same home with our children - that I can start us down the path to an OHM. ::love  It starts with me and I won't ever quit.  I know the Lord blessed with with my wife and family and I will do all that I can to make positive changes in my life.  This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!

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Well, since you are mad at all those passive you-know whats, why don't you sic 'em with some power prayer!  LOL.... No one better to pray than one who has walked the path! ;-)

Just prayed and will continue too.  Honestly I feel compelled to help other men see what I have through this ministry even though I am still learning.  Erik Matlock does a good job of this too through his blog at http://erikmatlock.com/.  I feel a great responsibility raising our 5 year old son too.  I don't ever want to go back to my selfish, manipulative ways, rather demonstrating to our son and daughter what it truly means to honor my wedding vow, loving their mother like no other!

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Read a great blog post today at http://davewillis.org/one-common-factor-in-every-healthy-relationship/.  Yes commitment and dedication and that starts with me no matter what the circumstances.  This journey God has me on continues to amaze me as the things I thought were important and valuable fall away and I fall more in love with my wife.  I aim to be like Ruth (Ruth 1:16-17) in keeping her commitment.  

 

I continue to see how I have hurt my wife, just finishing Paul Hegstrom's Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them (e,g,, Silent Knight abuser).  I brought my hurt and arrested development into my relationship with my wife looking to her to heal my emotional wounds (e.g., not receiving deep love and approval from my own father growing-up) - only God can do that.  I see that basking in the love of Christ is where I need to be.  Fully taking in the depths of his love and that no other relationship will meet that need.  I have an amazing life that I should not take for granted.  I so want to be the bearer of strength and life to my beloved wife from the love Christ has shown me.  I will never throw in the towel, I will be her rock in Jesus name I pray!

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I love reading and discovering more about Christ's love.  Recently I read another couple posts that are relevant to the ministry.

 

First one was at Journey to Surrender, titled Your WIfe Wants More of You (Needs in Marriage, Part 5)The takeaway from the post was...

 

Guys, have a talk with your wife about the level of emotional connection in your marriage. Be brave and ask her how you are doing. Don't be defensive. Ask her what would make her feel emotionally connected to you. Really listen without defending. Tell her you want to work on it together and set it in your heart to spend at least ten minutes every day connecting in ways that are meaningful to her. 

 

For me that has been a key point to work on since I found the ministry - being emotionally connected.  I continue to pursue and engage my wife and have been retraining my brain not to be so defensive, loving her in an understanding way.

 

 

 

Another post was from Dave Willis, title 4 ways to know when you are loved. It has a great story demonstrating love through a orphanage.  The take away points or litmus test if you will as to whether you are really loved were

 

  1. They will give to you even when you are in no position to repay.
  2. They will work to heal your old wounds and protect you from new wounds.
  3. They will accept you at your worst while helping you become your best.
  4. They will NEVER give up on you!

Men if we love our wives this way she will be totalled blessed and so will you!  The more I lay down my life and loose it in Christ, I find a deeper well of love for my wife.  God is equipping me daily to face my weaknesses and the courage and strength to overcome them.  It is humbling to truly bask in His love, but when I do I see a change in my mind and how it connects to my heart.  I pray that all husbands working to win their wives heart back NEVER give up. Also in that we look to heal those old wounds we caused our wives and protect and cover our wives from new wounds (something I am definitely still working on).  I am glad that I can share these encouraging words today. :razz:

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Happy Sunday morning all!

 

I wanted to share some insights I have had in the last week or so as I have been reading Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges.  While I have not finished the book the chapters of ungodliness, anxiety and frustration, discontentment and unthankfulness have all stood out to me.  I realized that as I have lived in ungodliness which include my selfish desires (e.g, possessions, lust, simply not accepting God will meet my needs) that has lead to anxiety, discontentment and ultimately not being grateful for the life I have in Jesus.  I never really thought before that my anxiety, in particular was a sin, but I see how much it is as I have not relied on the promises of God.  That sin not only has affected me but obviously my wife and family.

 

As I have come to welcome God's amazing love in my life, I see how much fear and anxiety have consumed me in the ways my beloved wife has responded to me.  You can't be thankful in a place of anxiety and then you become discontent on top of it seeking other things to fill that void. One of the negative ways I sought this out was through work, getting affirmation from what I did for a living, rather than relying on God's promises for my life.  I have SO much to be thankful for in this life.  I see as I have embraced this understanding my old ways of grasping at my wife, job, hobbies and other aspects of my life seem glaring - I no longer am that man.  

 

What I love about this ministry is first and foremost it is a journey about becoming more Christlike.  Yes it is a lifelong journey - an eternal one, that I am thankful I get to have a relationship with our creator!  Secondly, as a man I am here to win my wife's heart back, in that helping to draw her closer to Christ as well.  I aim for the gold as Kathy says, never giving-up in my pursuit of Christ and my wife, as I know in obedience to Christ I win no matter what.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Yes, and Amen!

 

So glad to see you getting this! :)  It's true that anxiety- and depression- often become sinful hiding places that lead to even worse things.

 

Thanks ladies.  Still very much engaged working on my apology letter.

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Read a post on another thread that spoke to me tonight.

His question should have been, "What can I do right now to make you feel happier? Or, he could have done one of the actions which you have already told him, I'm sure, make you feel loved. If you didn't WANT the marriage you would have been gone long ago, right?

It's not a big complicated problem, this having a wife.

 

Both husband and wife need to behave toward each other, coming from a position of strength.  I see it playing out like this.  Each of us knows in our hearts that we are loved unreservedly by God.  Then, we become more and more able to do our part in the marriage with confidence and kindness, whether our spouse responds exactly "right" or not, in the moment. 

 

For example, in the incident above, instead of the defeatist question he asked, your husband could have offered, with a confident but kind attitude, to hear you tell how you were feeling about everything.  He could have offered a heartfelt apology, if needed, and the two of you could have kissed and "made up" as soon as you got into the house! 

 

You and I, on the other hand, as we are more and more aware of God's unconditional love for us, are better able to say what needs to be said to our husbands without rancor or bitterness, but with a kindly attitude. 

 

I know none of this is super easy when we are feeling emotional, but with practice and reassurances from the Holy Spirit, we WILL get there!  I say this because it's what I am learning for myself.   :)

 

 

Thanks MJ.  For me taking in, truly taking in the depths of God's unreserved love has been key in this journey.  When I start to look outside of that love, not taking it in, I start to lose my focus, strength and source of life.  I know that as I embrace His amazing unconditional love that I am able to bless my wife and children accordingly.

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Taken from another thread at http://joelandkathy.com/boards/index.php?/topic/5416-broken-promises/page-31

MaryJane, on 07 Aug 2014 - 8:35 PM, said:snapback.png


Both husband and wife need to behave toward each other, coming from a position of strength.  I see it playing out like this.  Each of us knows in our hearts that we are loved unreservedly by God.  Then, we become more and more able to do our part in the marriage with confidence and kindness, whether our spouse responds exactly "right" or not, in the moment.

 

MaryJane and 1love,

I really like this. It is in fact what held me in my marriage for as long as I lasted. Because I knew I could always go back to God and get a fresh start when I messed up. And this works well when both partners have some sort of a real connection with God. The problem seems to be that when the husband - or wife- doesn't have a real transformative encounter with God, when they are busy going to work and sleeping and surviving.. they get lost in their own muddle.

 

The way I see it is that each time (using the husband for an example)-  he "sins" against his spouse- fails to love her in the way she needs- and or uses SG or porn or whatever- the wounds are re-opened. Both people are re-traumatized. This trauma and these wounds keep us stuck. We begin to give up and despair that things will ever get better. My traumas beat up against his. One of the things that worked against us was this: When I finally got that I truly deserved to be honored, listened to and loved.. when i began to demand it I was still so hurt and angry that I yelled- a lot! He hated yelling! He ran from it!   He- because he had no real source of life for himself- because he was wounded and had no real intimacy with God- was using the Avoid conflict- she's so angry all the time- avoid her - as a way to preserve his own false peace because he was busy trying to defend himself from his own childhood traumas.. which looked like defending himself against me!.

1love, if your husband married you before God, remind him that his problem is with God, not you.. that he is disobeying the commandments of God and that he needs to find God's true love and peace or he will just keep gaming and making excuses and twisting things back into your lap. My guess is that he feels guilty because he is still acting out with SG or something else and that's why his attitude has been difficult. It's so much easier to "ask you what you want" than to expose and confront his own bondages.

Thanks ladies for sharing.  I see this in my own marriage as I finally have been getting it about God's love.  Unfortunately the wounds from the past run very deep that I caused my wife and any hint of them stings her over and over again even though we both knew God before we married.  

 

I know God can heal and restore us, but it is in His time and not mine.  I recognize that I have tried to manipulate (e.g., posting facebook photo of us when there really isn't an us right now)/pushing her into a corner when she really has no feelings for me.  I have tried to draw her out with books or passages too, which I know is wrong and have apologized for.  I catch myself at times sharing what I have learned as well (building myself up).  I just need to let her be, have space to breath and decide for herself if she willing to work on the marriage. I know no matter what I am called to love, encourage, and support her, holding her in high honor for she is one of God's precious children whom Hr entrusted me to watch over on this earth.   I love Mourning Cloak and I am her source of strength and life.  Thank you Jesus for allowing me the opportunity to meet her nearly 11 years ago, marrying her for 9 years and having two beautiful children together.

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Now it is your privilege, your honor and your duty to win her back, heal the wounds and renew her trust in God!

Indeed, it is a true privilege, honor and duty to win her back and live up to the vows I confessed when I made the covenant between her and God. Amen!

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Today I read a good devotion that is a reflection of my journey through the ministry.  I must remember to praise God in all situations for He is good and wants the best for me.  His love never fails.

 

Faith Tabernacle                                         http://ft111.com

August 12, 2014

 
SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by MARSHA BURNS: 
 
You have been in the fires of affliction to be purified and refined like precious metal.  The sin and impurities in your life have risen to the top of your life where you can see them clearly and deal with them appropriately.  Do not despise this process; it is exactly what is necessary for you to be transformed into My image, says the Lord.  
 
Isaiah 1:25 I will turn My hand against you, and thoroughly purge away your dross, and take away all your alloy.
 
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Faith Tabernacle                                         http://ft111.com

August 13, 2014

 

SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by MARSHA BURNS: 
 
I am perfecting your faith through opportunities that come with challenges.  Your responses to these difficulties will define the level and strength of your trust in Me to perfect those things that concern you.  You will be required to persevere and move through this time with faith and grace, says the Lord.  Be strong and courageous. 
 
James 1:2-4  My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

 

 

 

Another thoughtful devotion for the day.  Enjoy the day and make it joyful.   Had a fantastic men's call last night with the guest speaker.  Still learning to die to my manipulative/controlling ways, going deeper with my motivation/responses to my wife. Loving her without fear or waiting for her to respond the way I want her to.  My aim is to continue to be Christlike and bless my wife by helping her...

  1. To feel loved
  2. To feel safe
  3. To feel seen/heard
  4. To be emotionally connected
  5. To feel desired/pursued
  6. To be appreciated/honored
  7. To be a man she can count on

Amen.

Edited by ChooseLove
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