johnsdc Posted April 24, 2014 Report Share Posted April 24, 2014 I am looking for some advice. We have been married for 30 years. I found out 8 years ago that my husband had been looking at porn and fantasizing throughout our marriage. He promised to stop, he got counseling, read the books- I found out 2 months ago that he had stopped porn but was using female images to fantasize. I was so upset, I insisted he leave. I could feel when he was fantasizing so he learned if he did it when I was sleeping, he could get away with it. He has been reading J&Ks books, says he has really changed this time. Though when he confesses, he manipulates the truth, it never is completely honest. He admits he finds telling the truth difficult because he lies to himself, therefore the truth is obscured and he can't see it himself. I am not bitter but do not want to be a fool again. He says he is trying to win my heart back but he hasn't come close with manipulated minimized confessions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaryJane Posted April 24, 2014 Report Share Posted April 24, 2014 My initial suggestion is that you ask your husband to call Joel and register for the men's calls. The number is at the bottom of this page: http://www.joelandkathy.com/calls_and_forum.htm Also, I think it would be a good idea for the two of you to call in on the conference call line tonight and introduce yourselves. Might as well get right down to business! The number for that is on the same page in the above link. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eeyore Posted April 24, 2014 Report Share Posted April 24, 2014 Hi there. I agree with MJ on her advice. I can relate to all of what you posted as my husband was there for years as well. I don't have a lot of time to post right now but I want to welcome you and to tell you that there is hope. Hang in there and get on the conference calls. You have found the right place! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnsdc Posted April 25, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 25, 2014 We live in England so the only call I could get on is the woman's call in the afternoon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnsdc Posted April 25, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 25, 2014 I am not ready to give him my heart until I feel he has confessed honestly, I feel nothing from him except the pretense of caring. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaryJane Posted April 26, 2014 Report Share Posted April 26, 2014 Have you read Joel and Kathy's two books, johnsdc? They are so validating for a wife, aren't they? I think you are going to have to give your husband a specific request with no options. For example, that he definitely call Joel, even if it IS LONG, long distance, to see about getting on the men's calls. There should be at least one of those calls per week that he could manage. Your marriage IS fixable as long as you are both teachable! God bless you! Be encouraged! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eeyore Posted April 27, 2014 Report Share Posted April 27, 2014 Once again, I agree with MJ. He needs to take some action to get things turned around. Right now you need to read the books and get on the women's call. Don't put a lot of pressure on yourself. Just remain teachable and keep posting and listening. There is so much help here. Maybe read some other threads on the forum. Expect him to do the things that you ask... post, read, call... and take it one step at a time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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