Is he actually trying change this time?

[amak0911]

Can someone remind me of the call days/times please? I have the new number.

 

Things have been going good with us these past ten days. I have been very overwhelmed and my panic attacks have started up again, but A has been beyond supportive.

Last week, his mom finally started asking questions on why we need a babysitter so often (his dad knows he cheated and we're pretty sure put two and two together), so he told her that we are here at this ministry and the major points of why we are (I personally didn't really want him to, but she asked and he was ready to be honest and open for once). But, she blamed me for it all; saying I am a horrible and hateful person, to him and to everyone else. He tried to explain that it wasn't like that at all, and how his actions (or reactions) caused me to be mean, on the rare instances I was, but she wouldn't listen. I spent two hours crying that night over it, and I think that's what finally caused me to lose control over the anxiety attacks (I thought I'd gotten pretty good at holding them off, but this past week, it hasn't quite been enough). My breaking down like that really upset him, so for the second time in nine years, he stood up for me to her. The next day, he told her that it wasn't fair to blame his actions on me; that he chose to do things, knowing that I'd get hurt and not caring, and even if I was a mean person, and I'm not, nothing would justify what he's done to me. And they shouldn't hate me because I am a good person. Her response? "We do NOT hate her, her attitude towards us has been mean way before this" I'd like to add that she is referring (I'm guessing) to something I said/did when I was 16 years old, before I learned the full importance of a filter. She also said it is ridiculous for us to go on a date every week, so they won't be watching the kids. I thanked A for trying, and told him how much it meant to me to have him stick up for me like that, but to just let it alone. I don't want him to fight with his family. The next day, she texted him again, this time with an apology. He accepted it but explained that it was me that was hurt, and me that would appreciate one. So, she sent me one... sort of. (I can see where A learned to say he's sorry...) She said she's "sorry, but the news just shocked me so much." (Um, how does that make you tell my husband that I'm a terrible person so it is understandable?) So I pretended I didn't get it (childish, yes.) She sent another one, and it was better. I told her that she doesn't have to apologize for saying what she thinks of me, I can respect that she doesn't like me much. That I was hurt by it because I try my best to be a good person and thought I was doing a decent job of it, but apparently fail miserably, and that my aversion to people (and A's brother in particular) stems from abuse as a child. She said "Thank you" and told me now we will be a better family. 

 

Anyway, I'm explaining all this because I really want to point out how well A is handling my "crazies" and how grateful I am and how much healing he is bringing by simply sticking up for me to his family. His twenties have been off the chart this week, too. It's been amazing and I can not tell him enough how grateful I am to him for really stepping up. He really has been my source of strength, and it is a wonderful feeling to have both God and my husband to draw it from.

 

Our daughter's bible verse this week at school is in Ephesians, and I have really been focusing on that book as a whole (one of my favorites). It helps calm me some when I feel panicky to recall some of the verses. I'm also praying that things can stay this good between A and I. (We are determined to get our OHM!) I know it will be hard for him because he's started his college courses this week, and three challenging classes plus 45+ hours of work every week will be tough, so I pray that he keeps relying on the Lord to give him strength to do it all while continuing to be my strength.

[amak0911]

Another good week. Some slip ups here and there, but they aren't the major backslides they were a few months ago.

 

We are reconsidering our plans, too. He thinks that if I want to continue staying home after our son goes into kindergarten, I should. I really enjoy it, and truthfully it is all I wanted to do growing up. If their Christian school becomes too expensive, I can always homeschool.

 

I feel like he's really beginning to listening to me now. And he puts value into what I'm saying. It's a wonderful thing.

 

His HKSM have come way way up too.

[MaryJane]

Wonderful! I'm so glad to hear this! The Lord bless you richly as you keep on!

 

Did you get the conference call times? As far as I know they are,

Monday 10 pm eastern

Tuesday 9 pm Elizabeth, 10 pm Kathy

Wednesday NONE

Thursday 9 pm John and Susan

Friday NONE

Saturday 10 pm Joel and Kathy

Sunday 10 pm (maybe 9 pm) Brian and Charlotte

[amak0911]

Ok, thanks, MJ!

 

He has blessed us. The amount of improvement in our relationship with both each other and Christ has been extraordinary!

[MaryJane]

Wonderful!! God is Good and His people are good to have around us too!

[amak0911]

Hey, I'm back! Hahaha

 

I'll have to update later though. I'm in school car line right now

[amak0911]

Double post oops

Edited September 10, 2014 by amak0911

[amak0911]

Well, things are still going well. This weekend should be a bit of a test for him though.

 

It's our son's birthday party, and A has promised to help me with the mountain of work that a party entails. I'm worried that he will drop the ball and the whole weekend will be ruined because of us fighting; that's what usually happened in the past.

I made a list of all the stuff that needs to be done to the house, another for all the stuff that has to be bought, and another for all the stuff that has to be made. However, I am NOT going to give him a specific jobs this time around. I want us to be able to work as a team with two equal players, not as a crew with a worker and a supervisor. Is it expecting too much to think he will come to me with "hey, honey, I am going to do C and D since you're already doing A and B."? Its just that I am sick of being resented for telling him to do things, and I'm tired of begging him to help with stuff. I am also fed up with doing it all on my own. I am looking forward to all that being different this time around. I just hope I am not going to be let down.

[amak0911]

Just to update... Things are much better than they were when we started here 7 months ago. 

 

But I have noticed that when A starts working towards doing one thing well, he forgets about everything else. (This isn't exclusive to our relationship either, he has the same problem with everything.) In the past week or so he has been working on serving others before himself. He seems to get it, and it is so nice to see. This is great, but is it still great if  the cost is his listening to me? Hearing me when I say something was what he was working on (and achieving) a couple of weeks back; he isn't achieving it any more.

 

The hugs, kisses, smiles, and complements have almost disappeared completely. I mean, I still get hugs and kisses, and I am much more open to being hugged and kissed regularly, but it still feels like it is on his terms because I find myself having to ask for a hug.

 

No dates, but he is at least carving out time for me in his schedule.

 

He also doesn't acknowledge past hurts he's caused. If something reminds me of them, I speak up and tell him, but his response is to half shrug it off and half pacify me. Am I not supposed to bring it up? Because I thought that I was... He DOES acknowledge when he hurts me in the present and does his best to make it right. 

 

We are still wanting to do an intensive next year, maybe during the summer. (No one else can drive Daughter to school.) And I am hoping we can get on the calls again. They were so helpful to us, and the only reason we haven't  been on is that I am just so exhausted by the end of the day I make myself sick and just want to go to sleep. 

[MaryJane]

Thank you for the update, Amak! 

 

What about going for one conference call a week for awhile.  Maybe on the weekend if that's when you are free.  I think the calls would give you a little break from having to do all the reminding.  Also, they would help keep you in the forefront of your husband's mind!

[amak0911]

That's a good idea. We will get on saturday nights call. (There is still a call on saturday night, right?)

[MaryJane]

Yes, sorry I didn't get replying sooner, there are still Saturday night calls.  At 10 PM Eastern Time. 

 

I'll try to listen for you this Saturday!

[4evrHZdtr3]

Amak, Your summary of how he approaches one thing at a time and loses sight of the others he was working on is really good and insightful! What I see is that he is intently focusing on fixing a problem that he has.. from your description it feels like a "male brain fix it attitude" (I just made that up!) that originates out of the mind (willpower). True healing flows form God the Head to Jesus the Head to man the head.. it is spiritual and emotional.. NOT mental and self willed.

 

To get well, we really have to just jump in the water and surrender- knowing that we will screw up but trusting in God's non-condemning love and hopefully in our spouse's also.

 

If you and he are in agreement about repairing your relationship (NOT just fixing what's broken)  then he has to let go and trust both you and God in you. Right now the way you get healed from your hurts is through his humble regard for you.. for all that you say.. for all that you share.. by putting you first in every way possible. What he doesn't seem to realize is that when he does that- THAT is exactly how he gets healed. You are not a project that needs to be fixed! Your marriage is not the project that needs to be made happy! He needs to surrender to God.. surrender to the intentional decision to love and serve and surrender to your "help-meeting" instead of trying to just fix everything the way he thinks it should be fixed!

[amak0911]

I like that "male brain fix it attitude". That's exactly what it is. You put it perfectly! He is treating me like a project to be fixed. I don't know if he's read this or not, but i hope he has.

 

He is seeking a closer relationship to God. (We both are) This new church we have been going to is really helping us get closer to Him.

[KathyandJoel]

Hi there

 

I encourage you to get on the evening conference calls.

 

Sunday nights at 9 PM Eastern

Monday night at 10 PM Eastern

Tuesday night at 10 PM Eastern

There is no call on Wednesday nights. That should be a night where y'all do do something fun. (The joy of The Lord is your strength......strength to make it through the issues)

Thursday night 10 PM Eastern

No call on Friday night. Date night.

Saturday night 10 PM Eastern

 

857-232-0476

Code: 544475

 

Look forward to talking to y'all and maybe meeting y'all.

[4evrHZdtr3]

Glad to know my made up name helped target the situation.   

 

What I am finding in my own pursuit of "getting closer to God" is that He has always been close. But our awareness of that is limited due to our spiritual senses being dull from our woundedness, idolatries, (anything before God first!) unhealed wrong ways of thinking and insistence on approaching Him our way - instead of through praise and thanksgiving - which is very arrogant and self-willed - all these work to sabotage our enjoyment of His Presence.

[amak0911]

This is not a happy update. And it may be a little long, sorry.

 

Things haven't been going so well. It started a few weeks ago. After we got home from his company's Christmas party in Melbourne. We had a great time, but when we got back, I asked him something because things haven't seemed right for a while now. I can't even remember what it was exactly, it had something to do with his affair, but he denied it at first, of course, then admitted to it, then a little later apologized for it. But what I really needed was his comfort. I told him I appreciated his apology and that it was a very good apology, but that I needed more, I feel insecure and hurt, and what I really need is to be comforted. He refused, and kept yelling (without actually yelling) that I was being unreasonable, and why wouldn't I tell him what I wanted from him, and why can't I just accept the apology. I remained calm, and simply repeated myself. That I do accept the apology, that it was a very good apology, but that I feel hurt and insecure and need comfort from him: to be hugged, and held, and reassured. He just left me alone to cry myself to sleep. This went on for an entire week! I spent an entire week crying and he spent an entire week refusing to care that I was hurting. Later that week, either Tuesday or Wednesday, he admitted that he had been lying to me for the past two years. He has cheated in his mind at least four or five times a week with the woman he cheated with. He has also been self gratifying, less, but still doing it, but he says it's OK, because he never actually finishes. He never bothered to stop. And the kicker? That Monday, the morning after he left me alone because he couldn't be bothered to hug me? He got up early to self gratify to the thought of having sex with her, and this time he did finish. (I feel sick just typing this.)

By that Friday, which happened to be our anniversary, I told him I did not want to be married to him any more. He told me he'd change. That he means it this time. He can feel the changes already taking place inside of him. It'll all be different this time. But I won't change my mind. I don't want to be married to this horrible person any more. See, all those nights he left me crying, God's comfort and God's strength was given to me, as it has been all the other times he's done this. I know what I want, and it is something much more reliable than a liar's word. I want to see God in my husband. I want to know that I am loved no matter what. That I'm not number 6, or 7, or 8 on my husband's list, but that I am number 2. I want to only be second to God in my husband's life. I know I don't need to get those things from my husband, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want it. But I am not about to set myself up to be hurt like that again. And that's exactly where I'll end up if I don't do something now.

He expects me to believe he'll change, but in the past two weeks, he has done nothing to put me first. Our anniversary was supposed to be him taking me to my favorite restaurant and then a movie (these were things he offered, by the way) and then we'd go home to night without our kids. But by Thursday, he hadn't even bothered to try and find a sitter. He didn't even bother to say happy anniversary to me, let alone do something to mark it. What's five years of marriage, after all? Do you know how I actually spent my anniversary? Lying to my mother, his mother, and my sister; pretending to them that everything was alright. We haven't been on any kind of date in months. He has never made it close to 20 hugs, kisses and smiles, and he hasn't tried to in months, either. 

I just feel so stupid for believing him, for getting hurt by him again. I don't know what to do, or where to go from here. We have no money, I mean none. But I am packing his stuff up. I don't want him anywhere near me because I do want him near me. I want him near me enough to be taken in by his lies and tiny bits of nice actions all over again. 

I will be honest, I'm scared. What does this mean for us? For the kids? For me? We've been together for almost ten years, since I was 16. I don't know how to be without him. I'm scared that I can't do this. I'm scared that I'm making a mistake by doing this. I'm scared that I won't follow through with it, and I'm scared that I will. My heart is so heavy, and I'm doing my best not to completely break down because the kids are home still. All I can do is pray, and ask for prayers, and seek your advice. 

[MaryJane]

Amak0911, are you able to join the ladies-only call every Wednesday afternoon? I think it often gives a person a boost to be able to actually speak about what's going on. Other women are on the line who know how you feel.

 

God bless you!

[amak0911]

I have spoken... to him, anyway. Any friend that knows about the situation can't see why I stayed married in the first place, and I don't want to tell my family because somehow this will all be my fault; it is always my fault.

As for other people, I don't talk as well as I write. I get nervous and my thoughts get jumbled.

Sorry my previous post sounded like a child having a meltdown; I guess you can't keep it together all the time. :-/

[God's Phoenix]

Amak, of COURSE you can't keep it together all the time. (who can?!) And we are here to help with your meltdowns. Getting it all off your chest here makes it possible for you to stay sane in drawing the lines with him. So ... no worries.

 

From what you said in your post this morning, I have a feeling that you are used to being abused ... first by your family and now by him. Or am I mis-reading?

Make no mistake: always blaming one person for stuff that goes wrong IS abuse. You are no more responsible for everything going wrong than you are for the sun rising and setting every day. So let us help you clear up that misconception and give you tools to combat it.

 

I also struggle with talking less eloquently than I can write. I SO identify with you there! I was in a car wreck in 2005 that seriously messed up my ability to communicate. Like you, my thoughts get jumbled and I can't speak clearly ... or, worse, I start to stutter. Again, no worries! We are a patient group who aren't afraid to ask questions if something's not clear. And I have found the folks on the few calls I have joined to be very patient as I "Elmer Fudd" my way through saying something.

 

Now, as for your husband ... I will try to get over to his page this afternoon (I'm at work and can't do it now) and engage him. Do not be afraid of the decisions YOU have to make. Your biggest responsibility is to ensure the safety and well-being of yourself and your children. HE is responsible for whether he helps with that or gets left behind. That's HIS choice. HUGS, my sister. And I am praying for you!

[Crystal]

Well said, God's Phoenix!!!   

amak, I am sorry I haven't followed your thread too closely, because I saw that 4evr and MJ were helping you.  which thread is your husband's?

[amak0911]

Yes, I am used to it. I have been abused many different ways throughout my life. I know deep down I am not responsible for his actions, but there is this constant voice in the background going, "look what you did! Look what you got yourself into! This is your fault!"

 

I stutter occasionally, too, from nerves, mostly.

 

Blessed Man is my husband. His thread is "Earthquake has passed"

 

Thank you, ladies

Edited December 31, 2014 by amak0911

[JoelandKathy]

Hi Amak,

 

We have couples calls five nights each week. Kathy and I were on (going in reverse) Tuesday, Monday, Saturday, Tuesday..   on two of those nights, we did not have one person on, asking for help.

 

Help is available for you and hubby, weekly, consistently.  You can't do this on your own.. let us help you.

[MaryJane]

Yes, amak, it's good to hear encouraging words as well as read them!  I know hearing what is said on the calls has done me a world of good!

[amak0911]

Well, it's been almost 12 weeks since my last post. So much has happened.

 

I kicked BlessedMan out of the house. I wrote him this long letter explaining what I needed from a husband, and that I refuse to hang on to "us" when he only wants to hang on for himself. Do you know what he did when he read it? He left. He took his stuff that I put in boxes and went to live in his car.

 

But he also began to change, truly change. (And let me tell you, the difference between truly changing and simply "changing" is truly noticeable.) He set out to meet every demand on my list, even the ones that he called silly, or stubbornly refused to let go of in the past. And he is doing it all without wanting anything. I didn't always acknowledge it when he did something; I didn't say thank you all the time, but he has yet to make any sign that these acts are for anyone other than me.

 

These acts of love were not so he could gain anything, although I am sure he wanted his family back. He doesn't do these things in front of the kids so that they see daddy bending to mommy's demands, he doesn't even do them in front of me sometimes, so I won't even notice he did something until he is gone. (Filling my gas tank twice a week simply because he knows it is near empty and that I hate doing it, especially with our 4 year old, is a good example here.) He spends time in God's word every morning before he works a 10 hour day, and he is even in the top of his class for his EMT training (which is a really hard and demanding course). He has shifts he has to go on a few times a month and as soon as this class is over next month, he goes on into the fire academy, which is even harder and more demanding. We are both stretched thin. His hours mean I am a single parent everyday but Saturday and Sunday, but even then, he has homework (and his shifts) to deal with. But these things don't worry me like before because even though we are both stretched pretty thin, if I say it is too much for me, he drops everything to be there. When I get stretched to my breaking point and I tell him how I feel, he listens. And when I have just had a terrible day and I am moody and snappy, he understands what is wrong without me having to spell it out. He sits down with me and acknowledges my feelings, even if he didn't cause them. Things like, "Honey, I know you are really stressed and that this isn't easy on you. I don't mind finishing the list of things you have to do tonight, please let me help." come out of his mouth regularly. He really has been my source of strength and life. He and the Lord keep me going when I really feel that I can not continue. 

 

I don't kid myself. It has only been three months, and he has shown progress before only to turn and go back fifty paces, but for the first time since his affair, I have true faith in him. He is home with us, and I feel loved every day. He is growing stronger in the Lord, and as a byproduct of that, he is growing into a stronger husband, father, and man. Things are not going perfectly (and they never will), but when those slip ups happen, no matter how I point it out to him, whether kindly or not so kindly because those hurts haven't quite healed yet, that LOVER apology comes out instantly. He is someone I want to be married to, and I miss him when he's gone. 

 

I have been very sick for the past 3 months, and have been falling asleep the moment I sit down, even driving is getting difficult. I went to call in a couple nights ago only to realize it was Wednesday  and there are no calls Wednesdays. (right?) Hopefully Saturday because lately I have had this overly strong desire to call into the conference calls.

 

Lord bless all of you for your prayers and help.