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Wow! Praise God!

 

You let your husband know in no uncertain terms (by having him leave) that you HAD to have a Godly, Christlike husband. In this way you have been his Helper -- which is what God intended.

 

Keep in mind to show appreciation for the good he does, as well as to clearly, and as kindly as possible, point out when he may have hurt you.

 

Yes, please do call in Saturday night!

 

God bless you!

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Yes, MJ, I am getting much better at responding nicely. I was very quick to snap and speak harshly in response to his actions because I was always looking for that weak spot in his actions. At first, it was because his actions were truly and obviously insincere, and every "slip up" was really just him refusing to put in the effort to grow up, but even after this "all in" type of change started showing up, I was still convinced it wasn't real, so slip ups would (and occasionally still do) make it seem like these changes aren't sincere.

It is kind of like having an itchy trigger finger. You're paranoid, nervous, and jumpy because you have been attacked in the past, and someone puts a gun in your hand. The first threatening noise you hear is likely going to cause you to react poorly by pulling the trigger. It is a knee jerk reaction to protect yourself. With us, there was too much pain, too many lies, the hurt was (and is still, though much less) still there. But he loved (and still does love) me through that. Nothing I said or did has changed his actions of loving me, perusing me, and fixing his issues. And each time he chose to love me, and have compassion for the deeply hurt wife that I was, the hurt was able to heal just a little. There is still tenderness to that wound and I have no idea if it will ever fully go away, but it is bearable enough that my reactions to his human imperfections are much more loving and kind. (at least, I believe they are and when I ask him he agrees)

 

It was a good call last night. We stayed up WAY too late on it, but it was good to hear. BlessedMan was nodding and agreeing as Joel was explaining things to the guy speaking, as oneed who finally sees the light. :-) Praise God!

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I praise God with you! This is SO good!

 

I know what you mean about the trigger. That's what The Lord has really helped me with in the last year too. i don't feel the ""need" to jump to the conclusion at every little word or action of my husband's that he is still being uncaring and abusive. Because he's not. He too, has changed his ways drastically.

 

It's wonderful what God can do when we co-operate with Him, isn't it?

 

I'm so glad to hear your report! Thank you!

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  • 3 months later...

It is interesting to see how different BlessedMan and I see things. He says he's gotten off the path, but to me, he has only missed stepped. I wish he could understand that one mistake isn't what defines him. Yes, he has been struggling, but he didn't hide those struggles from me. Yes, I have felt lonely and neglected, but I also suffer from depression and am home alone often (something that can't be helped until November) these are things he can't do too much to help me with.

He has been hurtful the past couple of weeks, and he has been selfish the past couple of weeks. He needs to refocus and start climbing again, not dwell on what he isn't getting right. He screwed up, now he needs to fix it. And while his slip really does hurt, I am not hurting in the same sense or depth that I was before.

I feel stronger. I don't take his mistakes laying down, but I don't hold on to them either. He is human, and while I love seeing the same love from him that I receive from Christ, the only perfection comes from my God.

I still struggle with trust, and this whole "second family" thing is a bit... of a hard pill for me to swallow. But him giving me full transparency really helps.

Maybe I should be more worried, maybe it is way worse than I am seeing, and he is admitting to, but deep in my heart, I don't think so. I do wish he would have more empathy for me, and I do wish he would focus on the fact that he hurt ME instead of HE hurt me. But he is learning, and getting better (slowly).

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Does your husband read your thread, amak0911? Your post is so well-written!

I have a suggestion. It might be a good idea to write down three of your points, in brief, so that Blessed Man can see clearly how you feel about things just now.

For example,

1. He isn't hiding his struggles from you and this really helps you to feel more secure (or whatever word you would rather use).

 

2. Yes, he screwed up, but all he needs to do now, is to fix it!

 

3. He needs to focus on the fact that he hurt YOU instead of HE hurt you. This is good!

 

All the best!

 

 

 

 

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  • 5 months later...

Well, I can't help but look back on a year ago where I finally through down my ultimatum.

We just arrived home yesterday from the annual Christmas party, and this year we had a great time. This past year, A has truly grown into a kind and loving husband. He is starting to become a spirtual leader in our home. The 180 degree turn around he has made is truly a miracle of God. And because of this, I find it easier to be a better and more loving wife.

We made it through the year with ups and downs, lonely nights and sleepless nights, but he is finally done with his schooling and home where he belongs. He makes me feel loved continuously, even if we arent being very agreeable with each other. I feel secure enough now with our relationship that I can actually begin to share our story with others, something I thought would never happen. But God restores what we can not, and now we are well on our way to our OHM!

I can not thank this ministry enough. With out J&K's tools and the help of you wonderfully patient ladies we wouldn't be as happy as we are.

I won't lie, we don't have a perfect marriage, but perfection only exists in Heaven. This past year has healed my heart, something that, at one point in time, I couldn't see as ever happening. And I just had to get on and share this wonderful update with you all.

 

I apologize that this is so short and probably has many typos, but I am on my phone writing this.

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Oh Amak, thank you for posting that update! Wonderful!

 

Do you two still listen in on conference calls sometimes? Even after years of being with the ministry, I still get something worthwhile from the calls that gives me a little boost for my own marriage -- or even for someone else's!

 

I'd love to hear from you again! God bless you both!

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Hi Amak! It gladdens me to read your update! Very nice!

I do think its good to keep in mind your vision of a perfect marriage. It's ok to expect the best in this lifetime, it does NOT mean that you are discontent if you continue to help your relationship grow. You are the expert on relationship in your family. Keep on keein on!!

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