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I am the maid of Insearchofthetruth. Apparently I've been asked to 'give my side of the story'. I guess I see it as that it's easy to write words, not so much to read between the lines and discern what is actually going on. Up until a few days ago I 'wasn't allowed' to read his thread, so even though he emailed me Crystal's request to get 'my side', I didn't know what it even was that I was siding up against. 

 

I really didn't even want to read his thread but finally did. No surprises. 

 

I have learned a lot about relationships over the years, and realize that what we were taught in church was not always the wise way. Scriptures can be interpreted to back up what we want to believe and there's the rub. 

 

The best post of all the 7 pages was the one about where the little boy learns that if he doesn't do anything, mommy will do it for him, and that's how he likes it. And wifey, being taught to give and give and give and serve and serve and serve, and pray and be nice (funny that's not in the Bible, be nice) and one day he will look at her adoringly and be ever so grateful, swing her up on his white horse and gallop off into the sunset. Not so. A lousy way to raise kids, that. 

 

In that light, last June I was in prayer and the Lord said, "NO MORE EXCUSES". I was not to accept excuses from others nor make them for myself or another. You know, "I had a rough childhood, you provoked me, I can't help it, there's porn in my head, I don't understand..........." Time to put on our big girl/boy panties and know that God is big enough for whatever it is He wants us to do! After the last time I was verbally slammed against the wall in condescension and contempt (for asking him to bring cream cheese while he was in town anyway -- I rarely ask anything of him, I know better), I emotionally withdrew, or detached, from the relationship. It's ok, I'm good. I know that is driving him a bit, but all these years of feeling like a fish being thrown out, drawn in, thrown out, drawn in........the bait doesn't look so yummy anymore. It's frustrating to him that he can't hurt me as easily, but I'm not anymore jumping in to do the mommy thing at the first flattery. This is not between me and ISOT, it is between me and God, and him and God. A marriage problem is a spiritual problem. Talking won't solve it, it just draws his attention away from God and gets it on him and his self-pity. I've often said, "The answers are all in the Book", and, "it's not what you do, it's your attitude, and only God can change that." 

 

Meantime, I wait, but with my eyes fixed on Jesus, not man. I think we make life much harder than we need to. Once I broke through into praise, and let go of what isn't my responsibility, I found life to be quite amazing! I'm reaching out more to friends, letting go of false guilt (a favorite target for someone who wants a mommy).

 

I don't know if that's what y'all wanted to read, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, nor am I expecting answers here. And I'm not 'defending'. I could write more but don't see the point just now. blessings!

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I'm delighted to meet you, rosebud.  I really am!  Thanks so much for posting!  

 

Mostly I want Search to know that we know his version doesn't tell the whole story.   Your side of things doesn't surprise me either, (I am you in a lot of ways) but it helps him to be more accountable and to stay real.   From my perspective, it's a long road.  Very few of the couples who come here make it look easy.  When you've been married as long as you and I have you've accumulated a lot of hurts and it's insane to think of becoming vulnerable to that stuff again.  You are right to keep up your guard and to keep your eyes on Jesus!  It sounds like you are becoming richer and stronger already.   No more maid, no more excuses!  You are one awesome girl!!  If you read anything else on this forum you might see some wimpy pathetic boys growing into godly loving husbands.  God uses this ministry to work miracles in marriages.  Whether or not you post isn't as important as if Search posts.  He needs to stay faithful with this ministry and you can help him do that.  He really needs to get on the men's call or to listen to the couple's calls to get the full impact of this ministry.  This forum helps, but he needs to hear real men's voices talking about God in their marriages.  You can encourage him to do that.  Besides than that, it sounds as if you are already doing everything exactly right!!  It will also be helpful if you read what he posts to help keep him real.  For now, it will be best if you need to clarify a contradiction to what he shares here on this thread rather than on his thread.   We already know that husbands tend to polish what they share making themselves look quite saintly,  but they don't know we can see through it.  If he knows you're going to give your side, it helps him be more accountable.  

 

One thing I'd like to know from you, if you feel safe to post it -- thinking of your own needs, what are one or two things Search can do now at this place in your marriage that would help you feel like he's serious about becoming the husband you need? It might be hard to come up with something, it's not easy for me, but some girls know exactly what they want/need.  

 

Thanks again for starting a thread!  I'm not at my best this morning, I have a stupid headache, so I hope what I have said to you makes a little sense.  

 

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Hi Rosebud,

 

Your post is "affirmed" here!

 

I trust that you are now reading his topic?

 

Kathy and I conduct the couples call on Saturday night. We would love for you and Search to be on the call. You will love Kathy!  Thank you Crystal, Sandra and all. You all are doing a wonderful job of ministering to folks on the forum!

 

By the way Rosebud, I did just post you Search.. but the post is based on my assumption that he has only been on the forum and not utilizing the books, DVD's, men's calls and eavesdropping on couples calls. If he HAS been doing these other things, in addition to being on the forum, then my post to him would be null and void.  I don't have time to get all the facts.. so sometimes I have to just call someone on something..  with the "disclaimer" that I might not have all of the facts correct. (If I am unsure of the situation.)   

 

Regardless of that.. your post is excellent. Congratulations on finding a way to keep hold of sanity!

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Well yes, he's done lots of reading. So? It's all on his terms. When he thinks things go well, well, it's because 'we're not fighting', and I don't have input. I ask him to reread a book and actually stop when it says to do something and then do what it says, he reads and gets to the end and says he couldn't find anything that he was supposed to do.....that's J&K's book, too. I ask what about the 20 questions? "What 20 questions?" So he reads the book to me aloud. Comes to the 20 questions and skips them. 

 

We go through days, weeks, even months when he thinks all is well........until I have a request or a hurt or an idea. Once we were going away for 6 days. We were driving for 2 hours in silence and then I asked something about voting. I was verbally and emotionally beaten up for 4 days for interrupting his thoughts. And he's complaining that I don't talk to him?

 

 http://pnissila.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/is-it-the-silent-treatment-or-emotional-survival/

 

Personally, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I think you're wasting your time. He knows what he needs to know, many times over. He does what he does deliberately. He has to come to the end of his rope and cry out to the Lord, and every new ministry he tries only makes the rope longer and around we go again. He is not clueless. He wants it his way and will do what it takes to get mommy to clean his room. He needs to grow a pair and get off the merry-go-round. 

 

I've gotten stronger in not allowing a lot of the abuse and that's probably as good as it will get. I actually think Joel is right in what he wrote. As much as I appreciate you keeping him out of my hair for a few weeks, I don't think it's worth your time. I will delete this very soon, or you can. Thanks.

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Well yes, he's done lots of reading. So? It's all on his terms. When he thinks things go well, well, it's because 'we're not fighting', and I don't have input. I ask him to reread a book and actually stop when it says to do something and then do what it says, he reads and gets to the end and says he couldn't find anything that he was supposed to do.....that's J&K's book, too. I ask what about the 20 questions? "What 20 questions?" So he reads the book to me aloud. Comes to the 20 questions and skips them. 

 

We go through days, weeks, even months when he thinks all is well........until I have a request or a hurt or an idea. Once we were going away for 6 days. We were driving for 2 hours in silence and then I asked something about voting. I was verbally and emotionally beaten up for 4 days for interrupting his thoughts. And he's complaining that I don't talk to him?

 

 http://pnissila.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/is-it-the-silent-treatment-or-emotional-survival/

 

Personally, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I think you're wasting your time. He knows what he needs to know, many times over. He does what he does deliberately. He has to come to the end of his rope and cry out to the Lord, and every new ministry he tries only makes the rope longer and around we go again. He is not clueless. He wants it his way and will do what it takes to get mommy to clean his room. He needs to grow a pair and get off the merry-go-round. 

 

I've gotten stronger in not allowing a lot of the abuse and that's probably as good as it will get. I actually think Joel is right in what he wrote. As much as I appreciate you keeping him out of my hair for a few weeks, I don't think it's worth your time. I will delete this very soon, or you can. Thanks.

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sorry, the site kept telling me that I couldn't post, so I'd try again. Can I edit or delete this stuff?  

 

Why am I still here? Not sure except that I haven't sensed the Lord saying to leave at this time. Maybe I have stuff to learn yet. 

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I've made redundant posts many times, it's annoying.  I've learned to open two windows when I post, one to post from and the other to see if it's posted or not.  

 

I don't like asking this question: "Why are you still in the marriage?"  Thank you for sticking with me and answering.  It really all comes down to that question and basically once you get to this forum you really need to think about it.  You have three options.  1.) You can keep things the way things are.   2.) You can free yourself from the marriage.  3.) You can stir things up and "work on" the marriage.  

 

Option one is what your husband wants.  He has everything he needs right now, a wife who doesn't cause much trouble, a "home" and he can feel good about himself because he's "working on the marriage".  He feels good that it looks like he's the only one working on the marriage.  He can read a book and feel good, take you on a date and feel like "he's trying".  He can post on a forum and pour out his heart and feel like people think he's really trying.  You are 100% correct, none of the things he is doing will ever likely result in any change of heart.   This option works in his favor.  The only things you will learn in this loveless marriage are new and creative ways to deal with bitterness.  

 

Option two works the best for you.  It's hard, but you will free yourself from a loveless marriage and you'll grow leaps and bounds in your spiritual life and your relationship with friends and family. It's then a possibility that you could meet a man who loves you unconditionally and freely.  Every so often in option two the husband is knocked off his pedestal to such a degree that he learns to be a true man of God and wife ends up falling in love with him and they get re-married.  Nothing to bank on, but it does happen.  

 

Option three is generally what this ministry aims toward.   It's hard too.  All three options are hard.  In option three the wife has to get tough-strong.  She has to learn to speak up for herself and demand to be treated with respect and honor as an equal and to be cherished as a pure treasure.   It has to be enough to shake up his world, so that he has to face that he's not the god that he thinks he is.    

 

We are here for support no matter which of the three options you choose.  We'll be less patient with you if you choose option one, because we know God's plan for you is much better than that.  Rosebud (fill in your real name) you are chosen by God, His precious treasure created to love and be loved.   You are loved unconditionally with all the heart soul mind and strength of God.   Your husband divorced you long ago, it sounds from what your husband says that he abandoned you emotionally before your first day of marriage was over.  Divorce is a legal separation designed by God to protect women like you and me from being trapped in a loveless marriage.  I don't know what your sense of divorce is, you probably already know that divorce isn't a sin, but being trapped in a loveless marriage is.  

Edited by Crystal
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Be assured I've been thinking and working on these things for some time. 

 

Asking him for 2 things I need? Tried that, didn't work. That makes me look needy and gives him more power over me. I now go over his head for things I need. To my Real Husband. To friends, family. 

 

Bitterness is not an option for a believer in Christ. Many people in history (Joseph for one) have been in circumstances that were less than ideal and didn't give in to bitterness, rather grew in wisdom and maturity while waiting for God's plan to come to fruition. I've often said that a husband can draw you closer to God or drive you closer. :)  Our choice. This life is not long and we are not promised everything we want. But we are promised that HE is with us. When I finally got my eyes off of 'him' I realized that Jesus was calling me to an understanding of who I really am in HIS eyes and heart. For a time there was a big battle of the mind, but breaking through was SO freeing. I don't need anything or anyone but Christ! And I can live in freedom regardless of circumstances. I know I am not 'trapped', I am free to stay or go. The one who is losing out is SFTT. Being single can be a trap too, if we are not in God's will. 

 

I have also on the relationship a lot. I can only work on myself and who I am in Christ, and what I will accept, and that I have been doing. Things have actually changed quite a bit in the respect department because of my not allowing myself to accept crap. No excuses.

 

God can and will work things out for good.  

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I deeply apologize for my tone! I knew from your first post that you are a godly strong woman and I don't have any right to be condescending!  You are an inspiration and you are not reacting rashly!  Thank you for letting me know that I was talking down to you!!  

Edited by Crystal
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At least that's what I think you might be telling me.  :-)  You are absolutely welcome to always let me know if I'm EVER out of line here on on the other thread.  Hopefully the guys are following his thread now.  I understand what you mean that he already knows what he needs to know and he seems to be looking for some explanation for his "inability".  That is so typical of these guys.  The guys on his thread now, Joel included have all been where he is and they know his tactics personally.  Anyhow, I hope we can keep in touch here. 

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