Close by but can't visit wife and kids

[skiingco]

drove down to FL during a weekend I agrred to give her alone with the kids...already discussed in mens telcon...just praying GOD will inspire her heart to let me join them

Chris Meredith Active Duty Army SC

[JoelandKathy]

Sorry that it took so long to see that you posted and to approve your first post! Post at will now! 

[ChooseLove]

Glad to see you on the forums skiingco.  This is another great place to get help in addition to the men's calls.  I highly recommend both as different ways of helping you become a more Christlike man.

[skiingco]

So, Mens call knows these days I am in the house on surgery recovery...so, got my instructions from Joel, apologized last night, again this morning, thanked her for getting my phone fixed today, also did some housecleaning, folding clothes, surprised her with cleaning inside and outside of large upstairs window she likes to open that looks out over state protected wetlands that includes eagles nesting....discovered it has a broken tension spring and secretly working to fix it.....seems to be in a good mood and has me taking youngest son to DoJo

[ChooseLove]

Glad to see you continue to post here as well skiingco.  I did get to hear you on the men's call on Tuesday night for a bit.  It is a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs on the road to recovery.  Last night I had my own bump, not fully understanding the depth of the hurt that still resides in my bride's heart.  I pray that we both are sensitive to their needs, not getting defensive, angry or fearful, but rather be patient, considerate, kind...being Christlike.  I know it is hard to do at times.  The hurt can come over like waves, but take it to Jesus.  His love never fails and we have the promises throughout scripture he will never leave or forsake us.  I read Psalm 27 today and that helped me as well as a podcast at SaveTheMarriage.com on the 4  Foundations of a Forever Marriage.  I realized I need to be better at being loyal, protecting my wife from hurt, not asserting my "rights" but remembering to look out for what is in the best interest of the marriage.  I look forward to hearing you on the call tonight.  God bless you brother.

[MaryJane]

Do you have an update, skiingco?

 

Perhaps you would give those of us who are not on the men's calls a brief history.

 

For example, how long you have been married, how many children you have and how old they are.

 

Perhaps also let us know what are the top three reasons your wife began to lose hope for her marriage.

 

Thank you.

[skiingco]

Updates:  Been married to Georgina since 18 March 1996.  We have both been in and out of church as a family.  Together we enjoyed being Episcopalian, she a grown up Roman Catholic, me a Protestant always on the search and getting baptized again as Episcopalion.  After the ordainment of Homosexual Bishops, we walked away.  I began a trek during my last tour in Honduras to convert to Catholicism, which I did with  a  Bearded Diocese and then shortly after, had an affair....right before scheduled to end my 1 yr tour.  I was always attracted to my wife and always chasing her for sex after the birth of our 11 year old son and then more so after my 2008 vasectomy following the birth of our second son, 7 years old.   I have an assigned Tricare Therapist that I started seeing September and in my sessions, I realized that I was in severe depression in Honduras before the affair, started drinking again after I was dry for 9 months to lose weight, ironically to come home sexy for my wife, and should have requested emergency leave.  My affair was May to Sep this year and spanned over my return to the states, and individual move to my final duty station, Shaw AFB in SC.  In that time, I was horrible to my wife,  I blew many opportunities to make up with my wife who begged for me to pull the divorce papers I filed.  From Sep to Dec, I pulled my divorce papers, did everything wrong to reconnect with my wife, who had an initial divorce consultation and saw a Tricare Family Counselor who had helped her and then dropped us citing our marriage had too many problems beyond his scope and encouraged us to get a Marriage Therapist.  I continued praying and right before Christmas, my old college military friend, alumnus of JoelnKathy's Ministry, referred me to the ministry.  Maybe some day I will find out if she noticed an immediate change after I took my first lashing from Joel and started implement steps from him and the mens calls.  I was blessed to spend Christmas/New Years with the family, as well as all but one weekend since then.  I have been on medical leave in FL and been Blessed to be with them in our house doing many things with the boys, but my wife will not doing anything together as a family, still has me blocked on FB and recently resumed texting and talking for matters concerned with the boys.  Tomorrow she is taking them to Disney with annual passes and I again am not invited.  I will go to Mass and continue working on the yard that is shot from my absence.    Most important of all.......I am unable to determine if she is having hot moments or is just being amicable for the boys sake when she includes me in dinner, or puts three brownies on a plate after offering one each for the two boys......I spend alot of time thanking her for simple things, I try to do it privately when I can....I still text/email to tell her good night or have a good day, so that I am not doing it in front of the boys.  I struggled the last few days to keep in my frustrations from not seeing her respond to anything and the continued rejection, to the point sometimes, I take off to get groceries/supplies for the house from Walmart/Home Depot, all the while thinking to myself I could care less if she is noticing, when in reality I could use a break and enjoy a hot moment where I can tell she authentically notices all the chores/cleaning I am doing again....something I have always done in the marriage...but something to get my energy levels back up.   I am on Lunesta and despite working in the yard today, being bitten by a big brown spider ( always wondered what that would fill like), I went to bed at 10PM and woke up.......once again.....at 1AM.   I am leaving out alot, but if I am 10 months away from being out of the uniform, have at least two surgeries, a 1 week Scout camp with my son, possibly a 3 week Post Traumitic Stress camp in Ft Gordon GA in August......there should be many opportunities to be with the family and if I could move back home in January closer to my wife, that would be awesome.  My 11 year old now also has a Tricare provided Therapist and today voiced to my wife he wants us to do things as a family again.     If you made it all the way down to the bottom to read this, let me know.  Also, if you want to connect on facebook, it is christopher d meredith   https://www.facebook.com/christophergeorgina.meredith  used to be joint account, she took her name off

[MaryJane]

Thank you.

 

No face booking with women, please. (Not even with women old enough to be your grandmother, as I expect I am.)

 

Well, I think your wife is being pretty friendly, considering. She's got to be very hurt. I know I would be. She will be feeling all sorts of emotions that she never wanted to feel. Anger may be one -- that the man who made declarations of undying love or whatever, would, after she has given her heart to him, reject and humiliate her. Have you ever felt rejected and humiliated? If so, you'll have a little idea how she feels. This is important because if you are able to win your wife's heart back, you will need to become the most understanding man she knows!

 

She is not enjoying keeping you at arms length. She has to guard her heart from you now.

 

I'm glad you've found this ministry. You'll need to make sure you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, no matter what church you attend. If you have read Joel and Kathy's red book you will have learned that the husband's source of life and strength needs to come from Jesus. Then he can be a source of life and strength to his wife. You'll need God's help as well as ours.

 

Marriage is a fine thing. It was God's idea way back at the beginning. His ideas all good ones.

 

Marriage gives all of us a good reason to grow up!

 

Go with God. Be courageous about becoming a mature, godly man! You can do this!

[skiingco]

Thank you....definitely need to specify FB dudes only.....I definitely feel strong in my relationship with Christ.....I have specific incidents in life I can look book when the Holy Spirit was trying to help me, and I was not paying attention....one of them was I was going to get removed from Honduras early after Hernia Surgery.....and a year ago this time, was going to be released for  being prescribed for Ultram......I FOUGHT IT.....and look what happened.  GOD knew I was in trouble and I ignored the signs....WHAT AN IDIOT!!!!    Now that I pray daily, honing in my relationship comes with a price.....my lack of patience is exponentially harder to manage.....and, to make matters worse, who is to say GOD is not so [edit]ed off at me, that he tells Georgina to boot me next year regardless of my efforts...........stress for me is at an all time high, especially with the added pressure to make sure my medical retirement stuff is straight....it financially affects the entire family.....we could lose years of money if I don't do it right.   Thank you for posting and guidance,  not sure what time zone you are in, but wherever you are, do try to get some rest, I would if I could, that is for sure.  I need to ask Joel if Kathy is going to at some point call in and at least let my wife know, I am trying to improve with the ministry.  I brought this up before, and he said Kathy has done it from time to time.  Ok, well I am supposed to wake up in a few hours to get ready for MASS.  I left smiley sticky notes in the car and  my wife's wallet.......I don't even know if that does anything for her....been doing it since before joining the ministry and especially if she takes time to send thanks in email.  vr Chris

[skiingco]

I need to post a new topic, I have access to visit and stay in the house....I should be able to follow the parameters my wife has to sustain this.  Thank you Dave and Mary Jane, should you see this.  

[skiingco]

I thought it appropriate to move out of my first topic and simply provide my updates under the general area many of the men in the ministry fall under.

 

So, I am about 10 months from being retired from military; family is in Ruskin, FL, where I left for my last unaccompanied tour to Honduras, where I also had an affair, and I returned to the states to retire out of Shaw AFB, SC  "Geographical Bachelor" if you will.

 

I was introduced to Joel and Kathy's ministry just before Christmas 2104.  I spent the months of Sep-Dec 2014 seeing a Tricare provided family counselor my wife was already seeing, who dropped us for the severity of our marital problems, and I generally did everything wrong and wasted my opportunities during this time.

 

My wife is allowing me to stay at the house on visits, do activities with the kids, recently resumed texting me and sometimes talking directly to me in front of the kids, simple family business statements usually involving the kids.  She will not do anything together as a family.  Out in public she wears her wedding band and I wear mine

 

I am in Chapter 9 of "Man of Her Dreams, Woman of His", book 1

 

While on Medical Leave in FL, been to quite a few Rosary Sessions and MASS, at local Catholic Church.....very refreshing and helpful to me.

 

I daily look to fix things around the house, do cleaning chores (something I always did), to see if there is something I can do that Blesses her and at a minimum makes her day better.

 

She doesn't respond to me saying good night before we go to bed, sleeping in separate rooms, so I send a text....she always watches TV and does social networking on her smartphone (she, I and my son all got Samsung 4s from SAMS Club July 2014)

 

I have been using sleep aids and then waking back up 2-3 am for sometime....so I tend to post at this time.

 

I am waiting for that magical moment when a spark reignites in her and crossing my fingers I will be able to successfully get her to an intensive when that happens....she refuses to even talk to Joel and Kathy, and has not, as far as I know.

 

She has not read their book I gave her.

 

Well, tomorrow is day 3 of cleaning up the back yard....our house is on the border of the development with a  state restored wetlands behind our house, that includes nesting Eagles.  She has boasted many times how much the view means to her, so I am trying to clean up the weeds, etc, so she can enjoy it again....I will be cleaning the screened patio next

[ChooseLove]

Glad to see you engaged in the forum.  MaryJane is a great supporter of the ministry and has keen insights.  I hope to hear you on the call again tonight.  Keep fighting the good fight brother.

 

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. - Galatians 6:9

[MaryJane]

I had a post written yesterday and it's not here! Sometimes my posts are taking way too long to send, for some reason.

 

What's Ultram?

 

You are not an idiot. I don't want to hear you say that again. A wife doesn't like to hear her husband putting himself down either. She needs him to believe he is an upstanding man in Christ Jesus. She needs him to live before her in confidence that his sins are washed away in the Blood of Jesus and that his faulty personality is being transformed with God's help.

 

Don't say God is mad at you, either! He isn't. He sacrificed to make your eternal (and present) salvation available to you! I suggest you thank Him for saving you when you feel frustrated. Keep thanking Him and praising Him until you are calm.

 

When you are convinced in your own heart and mind that all is well between you and God, you will be able much more easily to love your wife. You will be on the road to real Christ-likeness.

 

Which is our aim anyway, married or single.

 

God bless you as you draw life and strength from Jesus Christ, your Head.

 

Oh yes, I meant to address your last post. Keep this topic going, please. You could ask Joel to change the title.

[Rebuilding Trust]

Chris,

 

Please continue to be on the men's call and listen to the counsel given and be teachable. There is no magic pill to make your wife respond but you and you alone control the future of your family with the choices that you make from this point forward. Will you be their source of life or will you be their source of stress and grief?

 

You can't wrap relationships up in "to do" lists. It is so much more than that, so be careful. Yes, "to do" lists are important and it is part of being in any relationship but you must remember that your wife could hire a handyman or a maid to do most of the things you can do for her. But she can't hire someone to wait on her every word, to give her hugs-smiles-kisses-compliments, to be counting the seconds until they can be with her, and to miss her, crave her and to love her unconditionally. That is your job! 

 

Walking out what this ministry teaches in not easy, it is a choice. You get to choose to listen, you get to choose whether or not to follow the advise that you will receive both here on the forum and on the mens call. When someone asks you to do something or makes a suggestion that you do something or requires you to do something, you will always get to choose. Life is full of choices and there are consequences to those choices.

 

You have made all your own choices in your adult life up to this point. Some of which you are proud of, some which have nearly destroyed you, and some which you don't even know why you did what you did. Nonetheless, they are your choices. Others also are affected by our choices, so the consequences of our choices are almost never in isolation. Your wife also has choices. You cannot choose for her. You cannot control her. She has to choose for herself. The sooner you get this concept, the better all of your relationships will be: with God, with yourself, with wife, with family, with everyone. 

 

The choice is yours. Once the choice is made, the rest it easy, you just have to walk it out!

 

God Bless, Tony

[ChooseLove]

Chris, it was good to hear you on the call last night.  You are taking in a lot I know, but as you commit your ways to the Lord He will bless and honor you.  I am glad to be walking with you brother.

 

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. - Psalm 27:14

[7Times]

To add on to what MaryJanen said about swlf deprecating language: I have found that negative self talk is very unattractive to a wife and it definitely does not convey a "giving life" feeling to a wife. In fact, I realized late in my marriage that needing my wife to lift me up due to occasional pessimistic language, emotionally drained her. On top of it, if I am truly growing in Christ, I am representing Christ's power in me and through me. By demonstrating weakness through negative self-talk, I am basically committing false advertising and portraying his strength through me as not being enough. If I am demonstrating change as a direct result of my relationship with Christ and yet I dislike my self, then why would my wife believe that life-long authentic loving, life-giving actions would be permanent. Accepting that I am a worthy and capable child of God allows me to be a source of life for my wife.

[skiingco]

Ok, so back in the house for four weeks after left ankle surgery...Army will be making me get out by December.....for my wifes sake, going to pay a lawyer to write the Chief of Staff of the Army and Secretary of the Army for 120 day extension so she can get Tricare for life.......definitely not a normal thing to do since these two guys are responsible for 490,000 people in the Army.......today was terrible.....drove down after checking out of hotel 8 hours with my ginourmous bandage on left ankle/calf.......3d surgery in a row my wife did not call to make sure I was alive, then again, if I die she collects 400K......hmmmm

 

honestly, I am getting sick and tired of her deliberate, mean, vindictive behavior in front of the two boys......they are going to remember this......but, again the all time trump card comes out, "this is all my fault for having the affair"........I can only vent here and the men's call.....I can't call or talk to family or two friends I have.....she has access to all accounts and will simply add my complaining to them to the list..........so, it felt good to send my bad attitude out to virtual world....on a good note, I shared with my cousin this is obviously  in GOD's hands, because nothing I am doing seems to work

[skiingco]

I did come up with a new idea....for now on when I start thinking about my wife dressing up when she goes out in these new clothes she has been buying the last few months, I stop and pray to GOD and ask for our family to be reunited.  So frustrating, I wanted to date and have passion with my wife for 10 years and she never wanted to get a baby sitter.....I have it as a goal for restoration to be able to take her out and dream of walking the beach with her

[skiingco]

rough yesterday and last night....lots of time pausing and simply praying, "GOD please help bring my family back together"........I keep praying for the Holy Spirit, Christ to throw something in her path, to at least make an observation to how hard I am trying.....prayer brought me to the ministry.....so frustrating......why the wait....our family is missing out on so many opportunities to have fun together.....this is especially irritating since this happened for 10 years before the affair......we could have done so much.........trying to stay positive......lost friends in the war and I have been a Casualty Assistance Officer for the Army twice.....life is too precious for people to take it for granted....she seems to have not a care in the world and honestly, very hard for me not to view that as selfish.....my kids prove time and time again they wan to do things with their parents

[ChooseLove]

Chris I hear your pain and frustration.  I am glad you are staying engaged here and on the calls - you will need this ongoing support to make it through this.  Focus on the changes you can make, connect with your wife and family in whatever positive ways present themselves.  Continue to pray as you have been for restoration, all the while dying to self, becoming more Christlike.  This is your life's work, to the glory of God.  There are no easy answers and I don't know how long this will take.  I do have faith that God keeps his promises.

 

I was meditating on Romans 15 last night and I pray it is an encouragement to you...

 

15 We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. 2 Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up. 3 For even Christ did not please himself but, as it is written: “The insults of those who insult you have fallen on me.”[a] 4 For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope.

5 May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, 6 so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Peace be with you brother.

[skiingco]

Thanks David...Good news, Sons are going to Church with wife to support Boy Scouts....Son knows I go to Catholic Mass, but chose my wife to take them....Pray a miracle ignites in my Catholic raised, Anglican converted, heart to  realize we need to be back into the church as a family.....I know that could be a turning point if it happened.....I am thinking I am going to go to Mass, then try to catch service with my Cousins at their church 45 mts away.....wife has written off family and my two friends I have.....safest bet is for me to stay as a broken gimp in the house not talking to anyone, but i think I need to get away.....pray the Holy Spirit uses the time to fuse into her the importance of family.....may backfire and she still does not accept me going somewhere else, but she looks for reasons to criticize me now,  I am ok with here criticizing me for going to another church service after already attending Mass......I am confident GOD is not going to blame me for getting some spiritual uplifting

[skiingco]

ok, modification, ankle is still hurting to much to be driving around a few hours without meds...had to come home after MASS,  but very grateful for receiving communion this morning.....will be back again tomorrow for reading of Rosary, more prayer and the daily morning MASS

[MaryJane]

Your wife is very hurt. Everybody responds to hurt differently. Don't worry about your wife's lifestyle now. She is looking after her wounded emotions the best way she knows how.

 

i would like you to reply to a post someone wrote to you with much care. it is Post #14 on the previous page. Thank you.

 

You sound a little calmer nowadays. That's a good thing!

 

God bless you and your family.

[7Times]

I feel your frustration, because man I was there not long ago. I suggest praying for a mindset that seeks to demonstrate love and to give without needing anything in return whatsoever. It may feel like you're doing that, but from past experience, there's still that underlying feeling (sometimes the dominant feeling) which is saying "I hope she notices this" or "I'm going to do this because she will think more highly of me." That is needing something in return from her even though the act may be kind or helpful. What helped me was visualising how Christ gave to others. People despised him, questioned him, mocked him and eventually killed him but his loving actions towards all stopped at the actions. In other words, quid pro quo, is a ridiculous concept to apply to Jesus. Unconditional love gives and then walks away. Over time this has become a habit for me (still learning) and only until it became more unconditional did it appear that my wife was noticing and appreciating my actions. The less I needed a response, the more response she began to give.

[ChooseLove]

The less I needed a response, the more response she began to give.

Thanks for speaking up 7Times!  This is an area I tend to get stuck in myself, particularly in the last couple weeks.  I have been reading more scripture on this and Romans 15 stuck out for me among others.  It is so important to keep this perspective because day to day, moment by moment we can look for a response or have a particular expectation, not loving in a Christlike manner.

Edited March 3, 2015 by ChooseLove