Close by but can't visit wife and kids

[skiingco]

Thanks David....I am not looking for response but I am trying to avoid things that irritate her...tried to convey to Tony the importance of me finding what she accepts while avoiding getting kicked out of house

[ChooseLove]

We are all here praying for you and your wife - that you would be restored.  Keep engaged - don't give up, don't give in.  Jesus has got this covered.

 

Here is a scripture for you to meditate on from Romans 5...

 

1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we^a have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we^b boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we^c also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

[skiingco]

Men's call was frustrating and to be honest got underneath my skin.  I do not have expectations for my wife to respond.....I clearly recognize she is all about taking care of herself and focused on post divorce finances.......that in itself is disappointing....my love for her, brought me back from the affair....which is odd sounding, but important.....it was not just my kids....I would not go through this Hell just so I can be near my kids...the Law will make sure I get my time with them.....she does not seem to accept or recognize my love for her was the other factor.....the other side to that which is depressing, is that says something about how much she cared for me......not enough to put commit to fixing our marriage....her focus is on herself.....I do believe I am acting unconditionally and steadily moving along all the rejections......I do believe it is important to still pray the Holy Spirit will throw something in her way....I do believe it is right for me to continue to pray to Christ for the reunion of our family.....

[skiingco]

well, Tony/David, I filled up her water glass in the bathroom with ICE..she always likes ICE Water packed with cubes.  She didn't say anything to me about it, so she may have accepted it.   I had Physical Therapy in my hometown 45mts away and stopped to talk to my cousin in the Gym on the way out of town.  She wrote all my family off, they argued she should try to work out the marriage and she did not like that.  So.....not sure if she will hold it against me for stopping by for a quick visit or not.  On other great news.....

 

 

The Lawyer for a high Profile One Star Army General that was in the news agreed to put his name on my letter asking for 4 month extension to retire.  I specifically went to this guy, because the Army's TOP General and Secretary of the Army know who this guy is from the case.  If GOD wants me extended he will make it so, but at least Georgina will see I did something outrageous to try

 

And oh......I was informed by Georgina today that even though I will still be here on medical leave, she is planning on taking the two boys to Orlando to spend Spring Break....I just replied ok..........our previous counselor did not agree with her boxing me out from the kids for special events, but......love unconditionally means her wants and needs come first 

[skiingco]

so, been putting my sleeplessness to work. Tue made buttermilk biscuits ans cinamon rolls......today, made Red Lobster Cheddar Garlic Biscuits (can buy the mix in stores-actual Red Lobster Box).   Not is   "Mostest Bestest Family 4ever !!  Have a great day!!      I make a smiley face out of the exclamation points   I leave these on the stove and Georgina is the first to see while rest of us upstairs......she gives to he boys for breakfast

Edited March 5, 2015 by skiingco

[TimothyPaul]

.....the other side to that which is depressing, is that says something about how much she cared for me......not enough to put commit to fixing our marriage....her focus is on herself.....

 

 

Hey Brother - I haven't listened to a men's call in a while, and have perused your thread quickly, but this caught my eye.

 

One of the things that I notice when counseling couples in marriage strife is that it takes a very very long time for the wife to get to this point.  She has been contemplating and struggling with the concept of separation and divorce for a long time.  Last Sunday I was talking to a woman who had tried for three years before she left husband, my own was 2.5 years.   It is much more complex for a woman then we men realize.  They agonize over this decision and we as guys are clueless and never notice.

 

Then it is perfectly normal for them to become very self absorbed. Many will go out and find a boyfriend to get the needs met that have neglected for so long.  They need to feel good about themselves again. -

 

If you are committed to the process, you just have to wait it out.  It will be many months before the pendulum swings back the other way.  And always, always stay focused on your actions.  Do not focus on what she is doing or not doing.

 

In His service....TimothyPaul

[ChooseLove]

Thanks TimothyPaul for speaking up.  It is always great to hear from you.  This is a good reminder for me as well.

[7Times]

Good points TimothyPaul. Regarding the complexity of the wife's decision (and skiingco this may relate to you), it took my wife 3 years also. In hindsight, there were many signs I missed on which I had opportunities to become Christlike rather than good enough. My wife also became very self absorbed during the separation as if it was her time to break free and find herself (because it was). Skiingco, the good news for you is that you may still be in that "trying to figure it out" stage which it sounds like it's in and you have an opportunity to be a blessing. I know from experience that it will take an exorbitant amount of consistency and patience. She is watching closely (even when it feels like she could care less). Try not to trust your feelings which could lead you down the wrong path. She is most likely looking for day in and day out consistency. You are fully capable of this. When we are in Christ, we already have EVERYTHING needed to be the person God calls us to be. Let Christ love through you when it becomes to difficult or frustrating to do on a mere human level. Praying for you.

[skiingco]

thanks Gents...I believe you when you picked up she us watching...she and I are now rotating taking my son to his therapist...I got a hint thrown at me by the therapist echoing you about staying consistent....other good news...my wife told me who she has been getting therapy from...the Air Force family center...part of the local base I was assigned to...she gave me the number of the other counselor on staff and offered up me seeing her "if I want"...I immediately booked appt for Monday

[ChooseLove]

You are most welcome.  Glad to hear you took the hint.  Yes, stay calm, constant and consistent.

[skiingco]

that was a short lived relief and glimpse of optimism.....my 7 yr old has strep, this morning I came down to the kitchen, while she was giving him medicine, I asked, "I meant to ask did you get tested", her response, "Don't talk to me unless it is about the boys, I don't know what you and Amy (my other son's Therapist) talked about, but I haven't changed my mind, if you cared about me, you wouldn't have done what you did".....as she walked upstairs she yelled down to the boys "John you guys do something fun with your dad today, I have you for the rest of the week".....I told him don't worry about it. After she came down, I went back upstairs and cleaned up.  I joined them for breakfast that she made and then came back upstairs to work on my resume.  She will start taking them to Disney tomorrow and I leave Tue to go back to SC to see my doctor.  I will get up early make them French Toast before I go to Mass.  They will probably be gone tomorrow by the time I get back.  Our anniversary is coming up on the 18th..ironically, if I remember correctly, we were arguing while I was in Honduras....I believe she wanted me to take leave and I was "busy" with projects......so stupid, should have left.  My confirmation was during Holy Week and then right behind that the affair started.   This is going to be a rough summer, sadly, just like it was a year ago.  I would be an idiot not to recognize she will relive everything this summer.  I will be praying hard for Christ to put his hand on her shoulder, I know it is going to be painful.

[skiingco]

so lots of surprising interaction when she woke up from nap....asked me in front of the kids if I wanted chicken melt she was making kids...later I went to get redbox movies and when I got back acknowledged I pickwd them up in front of the kids instead of her usual protocol which is to avoid talking.....made dinner and made a plate for me....I was washing dishes and she told me she would do it and to go sit down and elevate my leg.....all in all....hot cold hot cold is still worth being able to enjoy some interaction

[MaryJane]

Yes, enjoy the positive responses and do what Jesus would do in the difficult moments.

 

Even when you are consistently being Christlike it will take time for your wife's heart to heal. Rejection by one's husband is a serious wound.

 

Wondering if you have written an apology letter yet. If not, it would be wise to write one here and have it thoroughly critiqued by us before giving it to your wife.

 

Keep up the good work of winning your wife's heart back!

[skiingco]

Thanks MaryJane....wrote a short apology letter when I first talked to Joel and gave it to her in gift bag for Christmas with two sets of Diamond Ear Rings.....there is an older story there about the jewelry and that I had not bought her Diamonds in a long time.  Anyway, the note was simple, "Honey this is all my fault and I am sorry for all the hurt I have caused you".....she cried when she read it.  I have not written another note since then, but  would like to when I know I am going to be gone from the house for a few weeks.     

 

This morning was a huge blessing.  I got up early, made French Toast for her and the boys, sprinkled with confection sugar, covered it, left my little sticky note I have been using, "Mostest Bestest Family Forever.  Have a great day! " with a smiley face at the end.  I also put ice in her water cup, prepacked the snack bags with the frozen water bottles, so they would not go through the normal chaos before taking off to Disney.  Said a Family prayer a Parishioner from Church gave me that he has been using for years, then went to Mass.  I was able to see them just as they were leaving.  Kids said they liked the French Toast.  They were carrying the bags I prepacked, told the boys "Love you mean it, have fun today", kept smiling and waved as they left.  I really felt that was such a positive way for them to start their day.   I am feeling Blessed I was able to see them and start the week off in such a positive way.

 

Amen

[ChooseLove]

What a way to bless your family.   Have a blessed day!  Look forward to catching-up with you on the Tuesday night men's call.

[skiingco]

and then the downturn....wife got dolled up hair and all to go to dr with my 11 yr old while I went to family counselor on base...did not hear from her...530 rolled around..sent a message to her and my sons phone I was going to mass...St Anthony circa 1200s relics on display...filipino and hispanic parish attending...came home....still nothing hours later...nevermind I have to go to SC tomorrow for DOC appt while kids are on spring break...would have been nice to spend time with the kids before I leave...oh and 4 days ago her phone cant text

[skiingco]

strep throat but yet they went out to eat then Disney Quest....imagine if they got into an accident and the father and husband of these three had no clue...I dont care what anyone says that is juvenile venomous behavior...no excuse for it and nobody is going to convince me that is GODly behavior...sick and tired of her trying to justify her behavior with throwing adultery back at me....she is accountable for her actions too...nobody is going to tell me she is setting a good example to our kids....what is the lesson she is trying to set here "if your spouse betrays you and is stupid enough to try and fix the marriage make sure you disrespect him/her in front of the kids and do all the things that were missing before to tease and tantalize"...yeah more I think of it I am sure I have no respect

[skiingco]

left a simple note to her saying have fun and I will miss her and the boys with a smiley face....I am married and I can't tell my wife love you in a note...ridiculous

[7Times]

skiingco, I hear and feel your frustration. I believe that at this point it is far more important to demonstrate that you love her, than to tell her or even include it in a note. I found that words eventually meant little to my wife once at a certain point. Your posts appear to have some anger and bitterness creeping in. I understand that the forum could be a safe place to vent (I have done that also), but you must kill off that bitterness and die to the right to be angry. I have learned this the hard way. Does it seem unfair? Absolutely! But as hard as it was for me to accept, it is not about feeling we are being treated fairly right now. As Joel snd Kathy have said, the time may come when she will discuss her own faults and regrets, but we cannot force that from our wives. It will only come as a response to our love. Believe me, it's ridiculously difficult for me at times also. My pride wants me to confront my ex-wife about something which hurt my ego, pride and self-esteem, but confronting her has nothing to do with helping her heal, so I have asked God to take that from me.

I believe your wife will eventually begin to pick up on a negative vibe also and we do not want to have regrets over not dying to self and allowing a feeling of injustice to sabotage our efforts. It is very, very difficult at times, but you can do it. Respond to frustration with love. This may shock the heck out of her. She likely knows her actions are unfair and shenis expecting a certain response from you. But if you respond with love she may see it as the new you who is allowing Christ to lead through you rather than a bitter heart. Try to see frustrating, infuriating seemingly unfair situations as opportunities to let Christ work through you. That is when your Christ-like actions have the greatest impact on winning back her heart. The easy times have less bang for the buck so to speak. God bless.

Edited March 10, 2015 by 7Times

[skiingco]

thanks 77X....I am praying VERY candidly with GOD right now...I REALLY need him to jump in...this is has me nearly to my limits...I need a moment of relief to catch my breath

[ChooseLove]

Skiingco, I was glad to hear you were on the call last night.  I can hear how tired and weary you are.  God will carry you through this.  You are doing the most difficult work of your life. We are praying for you and you have the support of the men in this ministry.  I encourage you to stay in the word.  Again I suggest meditation when you start to feel overwhelmed.  I have a couple of apps I use on my phone and those help.  Allow yourself some quiet time to recharge.  God will not forsake you.

 

[skiingco]

Thanks David.   7X/David, I was surprised yesterday.  Georgina made the decision to spend the night at home instead of staying gone in a Hotel.  I wrote her an email and told her Thank You, it was really nice to come home to you guys.       Yesterday when she and I went back and forth a few texts, I wrote her, " Danny our old neighbor, who put Isaac into the Van (our 12 year Akita was put down while I was in Iraq), died in Afghanistan, and he is nowhere for his wife and kids to spend time with him.  I made mistakes and I came back.  I am willing to do anything to be a husband in all ways and a family in all ways.  You think about that while you are spending time with our boys.     I don't regret sending this, but I regret how I said it and when I said it.  I hope it made her realize that life is precious.        In another text I told her that her insistence on not doing things together doesn't just hurt me, it also hurts the boys.

 

She in a text, and the men in the call group, reminded me I don't know what hurt is.  That is not all inclusively true.  Her malice actions are hurtful and losing out more time with her and the boys, because of her decisions are hurtful.  I know the response is going to be, no matter what she does, it is all because of me.  Somewhere along the line, if she does something with vindicative intent, which only GOD will know, then statute of limitations on me is over, that accountability is on her and the victims are our sons.

 

In a few hours, I will get back up, make cinamon buns, hopefully they will enjoy before their daily planned excersion, which involves beach towels...I think she is taking them to Disney Typhoon Lagoon or Blizzard Beach, something I missed out on last year while being in Honduras, but thoroughly enjoyed the year prior.  

 

The other thing I am going to do is try to make big movement on the closet reorg with additional shelving while they are gone, using my gimpy, casted leg.

 

I really am going to try and be as positive as I can.

 

So, here was my activity Tue- Wed: I took Bus Driver Test in case I have to drive Bus for Boy Scout Camp this year, drove to TPA airport, parked car, rented one way rental to Sumter, SC.  Dropped car at Sumter office, took Cab to my apt.  Did the mens call.  Next morning 0530, woke up, bath with surgery leg hanging over edge, loaded some things from my apt down 3 flights stairs with crutches and duffel bag, into the 2002 Corvette I bought from a friend in September, that was one of my huge mistakes when Georgina was more open to me in working to heal the marriage.  Went to work to handle some things, drove to Columbia to DOC Office, got a cast on leg, then 11AM started driving....usually only stop once....had to stop twice due to drowsy.  Stopped off at long term parking, transferred stuff from Corvette into other car, drove from airport to base, parked car and then waited for a cab.  As I was driving earlier, called the boys and learned they were coming home and I told them I was glad I was going to be able to see them, that was awesome.  Cab took me to Airport, got my car, got home close to 10PM.  Goal is for me to put the car on military resale lot while posting to Craigs list.   My wife will not have anything to do with me while I have that car.

[TimothyPaul]

This is a serious question

 

- what do you need to get for your car.  I lent my youth pastor mine and he blew up the engine, so I have been desperately searching.   - I can do a very generous donation receipt!

 

 

Ok - now getting to your post.  I am only goping to discuss the top two paragraphs.  I am not sure why your posting the other stuff.  If a moderator, or someone on the mens calls asked you to; - cool.  If not, it looks like you are looking for a pat on the back and someone to tell you what a wonderful husband you are. - Discussing that stuff on the men's calls is good, to see if that is the type of thing that would really bless your wife.  - It is very task oriented, which usually is not what a woman needs. - My theory is, if a woman can pay a handyman for the task, then most likely it is not going to create an emotional connection.  But again, you my be told different on the mens calls.

 

So lets chat about the first two paragraphs:

 

You should regret sending it.  It was wrong.  Women certainly know how precious life is.  Remember - they did that birth thing.  They are emotional creatures.  God never explains what agape love looks like to a women - cause they get it from the beginning.  He has to spell it out to us because us guys because we are totally clueless. - Also, and if you want your marriage to come back to God's design (i.e. - restored in His defintion of marriage), you are called to love your wife where she is at.  Not where you want her to be, not where you think she should be, but where ever she is.  Think about it.... what you did was correct her.  You flat out told her, she is a bad Mom, does not value her kids lives, feeling or emotions.  And that you, (the guy that created this mess) is better then she.

 

When you text or communicate with your wife, you must not think of your intent, but how it is perceived and recieved.  Although, I am trying to figure out the intent of what you said - cause honestly, when I read it, I find it self serving.  But I dont know you well. 

 

Also, you may know what hurt is.  But that doesn't change how your wife feels hurt.  If her decisions are hurtful remember they are a response to something.  THey are her actions to try and get a need met.  Whether it is protecting her heart from more pain, or to distance herself from an emotional connection, etc.  It is always a response.  All women have three core requirements; safety, security and emotional connection.  Whatever she is doing is trying to meet one of those core needs met.

 

Somewhere along the line, if she does something with vindicative intent, which only GOD will know, then statute of limitations on me is over, that accountability is on her and the victims are our sons.

 

 

What scripture is this based on?

 

 

In His service ..... TimothyPaul

[7Times]

TimothyPaul, What a great reply. I thought about some of the same issues you brought up.

Skiingco, It sounds like you may already know the mistake on the text and possibly in the listing of the tasks which TimothyPaul mentioned. For me, I need to constantly be on guard of motives. I mean, brutally honest with myself in terms of where my actions are coming from. Are they coming from a place that strives to relieve my anxiety and get closer to answers or a desired outcome, or are they coming from a genuine feeling of peace which comes from meditating on who and what God wants me to be in His world and not just to my wife.

I learned that before I could be Christlike, I must be child-like in my willingness to learn and be taught from others who are able to look at my situation from experience and love rather than through my own eyes of fear and anxiety. God is with you, even though i know you don't feel it sometimes. Try to let him calm your nerves. God bless.

[skiingco]

TimothyPaul,7X, understood....truly wish GOD would guide me with actions to match what my heart feels....I don't know if she recognizes I would do anything to stay with her and Bless the family until the end of my days.  I have told her that.    Think about it guys, don't you think I would be doing the things that really touch her if I knew what they were.....GOD has to tell me what specifically my wife, as a person, likes.....this is where I pray for Holy Spirit intervention...otherwise, all I have to go off of is try  to do things around the house so she doesnt have to.  When I get my cast off, I will pressure wash the house and back screen enclosure, something I do from time to time. 

 

By the way, my wife is a hoarder....that brought up many arguments over the years, but I redid shelving in Garage and Closet to give her more storage space and I am never going to say something to her about the stuff ever again.

 

As for the car, don't know what the payoff is...need to call bank tomorrow to get it on Craig's list.  I paid 15900 in Sep, on top of adding KN Filer, Magnaflow Exhaust, and computer programmer, been paying 347 a month since then.  I suspect it is a payoff in the 14 range, but will find out tomorrow.

 

Now as for my task today....wanted to redo the closet when we first moved in...subbies working for home builders always use cheapest materials...for middle class anyway.  I am glad I did it.  I left Ice in Glass again in anticipation of their return and I had my son put Ricola by her lamp.  She gave me a text and said her closet was fine.....Her closet (chuckling right now)..anyway, also reminded she asked me politely not to get ice for her and do the clothes, which I did today.  

 

I am ok with the rejection...I was reminded Tue to do the actions and don't look back.  I tucked the boys in the futon mattress, in Her bedroom....where they continue to camp out.....I folded some clothes she took out of the dryer.  she commented, in a light manner,  ok..i was going to fold those...I said it is ok, I had to get the towel ( my blue towel for showering).   besides, I put those clothes in earlier today.

 

Anyway, I really pray GOD keeps his hands on me.....I have to be able to mentally function with all the things I have to take care of with the family on top of trying to win my wife's heart back.   I am ok with constant criticism and hazing, but I am not ok with mental congestion....I really  pray GOD keeps his hands on me...I REALLY need it.