Close by but can't visit wife and kids

[7Times]

Skiingco, My thoughts, based on what I've learned here, are to keep doing all of the tasks until she tells you to stop.. Which she has told you on a couple of things. Even then, for those tasks, you may be able to tell her at a later time I.e. "I will go the clothes for you today." Keep doing the other things. As for trying to find out what things she wants to see, that you can't figure out...pray on it, meditate on it, ask Christ to do it for you. Seriously, tell Christ "I have no idea what to do right now to bless my wife. Show me and tell me what to do. Since I can't do it, I'm giving it to you." You might be surprised how often something unique and loving is presented to you. The household tasks may be helpful, but they are not her hot buttons. There is something else. It's going to have to be completely unlike anything you have ever done. That's why I think it's so hard for you to think of... Because it's something you have never done for her. Ask Christ to give you the answer. Don't go to your own memory bank because there is nothing there to draw upon at this time. An analogy: It's the hand in the glove. It's not the glove!

[skiingco]

thanks....by the way, earlier explanation.....I don't know anywhere in the bible it says if someone is mean to you, look for ways to do things to hurt that person back

 

Point is she knows it hurts me and she is accountable that....I am not going to keep going over why  the ministry condones what she is doing.....I do believe that her decisions with malice, with intention, she is personally accountable for.  I intentionally had sex with another woman and I cannot blame my wife for my actions.

 

She also needs to realize that if she does not try to save the marriage, one day, she should not be surprised if our boys tell her, I wish you would have at least tried with him when he showed the changes instead of dating,..marrying, etc.....so and so..........

 

I am done with this now and moving on....I am accepting that I have to put up with her retaliation

[7Times]

Skiignco,

Consider watching this video (maybe a couple of times) of a talk by J&K which relates to your last posts (the title doesn't exactly match the topic). It's a hard pill to swallow. God bless.

Christian Marriage Counselling - Is it Good? Joel and Kathy Davisson: https://youtu.be/d48xVBWFGG8

[TimothyPaul]

Ski - lets chat about this a little more, because its a conceptual thing that is very important in YOUR Christian walk.  Notice I said you and not your wife, etc.
 
We men make this all about getting our wives back, getting the kids back, and so on and so on.  But what we fail to realize, this is all a symptom of a deeper problem.  Just like the human body, if you fix the core issue the symptoms repair themselves. (even cancer btw).  For the men that realize this and walk this out, we actually do receive God's promise of peace, love and joy.  Ask Tony, David Sheppard, Matt, myself and the list, is very small because only a few understand this.  Ken Nair says one in ten will actually get this.  And that doesn't even mean our marriages are restored all the time, but something happens inside of you that is a true miracle of God's blessings.
 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28 NIV

 
That's a really interesting passage.  Notice how it doesn't say for "our good".  In other words, God knows the good you need and how you can serve the Kingdom of God. - Lets look at another passage.
 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.[sup[/sup] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” - Jer 29:11-14

Everyone loves to quote this passage, or at least the 29;11 part. I rarely here anyone add verse 12 and 13, but isn't that the action that our Lord uses to bring forth verse 11 ands 14. If we do not seek the Lord, can we expect Him to fulfill His side of the promise?
 
So now lets tie this back into your life and marriage.  I am not too concerned with whether or not you believe what you hear in the ministry.  What defines your Christian walk is how you choose to live according to the Word of God.  Myself, Joel, any moderator or helper is not your Judge.  You are Judged by God alone and whether or not Jesus steps on the scale to balance your sin, is totally defined by your walk.
 
First, you must completely let go of everything your wife is doing.  It is totally irrelevant.  The Word of God tells you what you need to do.  If you focus on that, you draw closer to God, and it is HIs responsibility to work on your wife.  (see above Jer 29:11-14).
 
As a husband, your role is defined in Ephesians 5:25-32.  There is nothing conditional in that passage. 
 
 

Ephesians 5:25-33New International Version (NIV)

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

 

 

 

There is no statement saying you do not go to the Cross if your wife sins, or if she treats you poo poo, or she has an affair, etc. etc.... you get my point.  You and I are both sinners, and Christ went to the Cross for us.  Jesus didn't say "well, I'll cleanse TimothyPaul, if he repents, or if he changes his sinful ways.  In the same way, verse 25 and 26 tells you that you must die for your wife.  The dying is not a physical thing as most men suspect.  It is dying to the five sins that kept the Israelites out of Canaan.

 

Lust (money, sex, earthly gratification, etc)

Idolatry (including ego - narcissism, self)

Fornification  (includes porn, masturbation, double looks of women)

Murmuring

Tempting

 

God is watching you.  How you follow His Word.  How in the midst of all your pain, hurt, toils and strifes, you honor Him,  not your wife and Kids.  How no matter what storms life throws at you, you refuse to succumb to your own flesh; and you stand by His Word, by His promises and Glorify Him.  That is the test for us Christians. 

 

So far up to this point, God is not asking you to die for Him as many are in the Mid East.  He is asking you to love, honor and cherish your wife as your promised Him on the day you married His precious daughter.  No matter what.

 

In His service....TimothyPaul

[skiingco]

Robert...I think this is you....thank you for putting this post together...very sobering....again I need GOD to keep his hands on me....I need to focus on simply being positive....feeling overwhelmed again....events today I can hopefully remember to share...Payoff for the Vette is 13700

[7Times]

TimothyPaul, Brilliant. In speaking to skiingco, you helped me also. Thank you for your guidance. Some of it sounds harsh, but it really is the truth, isn't it? It just hard to accept at times because we sometimes believe our way is the only way to peace. Thank you and God bless.

Edited March 14, 2015 by 7Times

[TimothyPaul]

Hey Ski

 

- nope not Robert.  TimothyPaul is TimothyPaul - never used an pseudoname, that's my real name given to me by adopted Mom.  (i.e. - it means to humbly honor God )

 

 

Wow, no way I can do the Vette - way way way outside my price range.  I saw one in Ft. Myers and they were asking $5K, so I thought it would be somewhere around there.   Something must have been wrong with it, because after you posted I looked at your price seems around the norm.   Oh well - I'll keep dreaming!!!

 

As a note - I probably would not share that with a wife necessarily.  While its obliviously biblical and true, to a wounded wife, it could perhaps give her the impression that she could step outside of her Christian walk, which also is not permitted.

 

However, it is not the husband's place to correct her on that (again - biblical), its for other women, Pastors and counselors.

[skiingco]

timothypaul..understood...events happened today and discussed mens call...at the car wash and go to pull my phone out...this was on it... Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay

[skiingco]

gents...would like to tell OC about what happened when I came home...would be indebted if someone can connect me to him 8136383259

[skiingco]

I feel the interaction after the Saturday blow up has been constructive, but just don't have enough experience to know for sure.  

[MaryJane]

You could describe it here and see what we think.

[ChooseLove]

Agreed MJ.  Start there to write-out your thoughts then get on the calls and follow-up.  I have found both are great ways to get the help you need.

[skiingco]

We talked long on Saturday, so he has the full context.....bottomline, is in my opinion, my wife went out of her way to be cordial in front of the boys to the extent of making me a plate for dinner......not reading too much into it, but thought that was ironic given I left the house telling her to let me know if she wanted me to go get a weekly rental.  Yesterday and today, not all that good.  She is in ignore mode.  I came home today briefly while she was here, she intentionally kept her back to me.  I sent her a text that I was going by SAMS to buy bread and she looks nice.  I called after she picked up the kids to talk to them and she didn't answer her phone.  Good news is I am becoming desensitized to her behavior and rejection....this whole process is depressing.  Knowing she and the boys were not going to be here when I got home, I really wanted to go have a few beers and look out over Tampa Bay, but came home, started a load of laundry and cleaned up.  Yesterday, she was asking the boys in front of me if they were going to do something with me, instead of talking directly to me, and I said we would go out to throw the ball when my youngest woke up from the nap.  when he woke up, she made arrangements to take them to the neighbors to play.  She was going to go back in when I stepped out and then I told her I was going back in.  Later I rolled out with my knee dolly to sit in the driveway with a folding camping chair, to play angry birds on my cell, just like I did the day prior, and within a few minutes she pulled them inside.   Anyway, I am relieved it is not affecting me that much, I will send my usual good night text tonight, then tomorrow, read the rosary and attend mass at church followed by going to base to do taxes at the retiree center.

[skiingco]

and another thing, she disowned my family and my two longtime friends.  So....she can tell if I call my cousins or my sister and she adds that on to the criticism list.....I am a human being and I too need someone to talk to beside my weekly therapist session......to make matters worse, I really cant talk to my family/friend about this, because they heard enough months ago.  I am tired of not having someone to talk to.  I honestly do not like these long typed messages....does not do whole lot for me

[ChooseLove]

Skiingco I am glad you are making the effort to write-out what you are experiencing.  You might want to try a journal instead where you actually put pen to paper.  I am encouraged by your updates overall.  The men's call is the best place to talk it out, but I also suggest the couples calls as well.  You can speak-up and get help there too. I have been on in the past and it was a blessing to me.  Perhaps you can find a good mentor at church.  I think it is important to find at least one other man you can confide in as you go through this.  We certainly should not be doing this alone.  I am praying for you, that you find contentment in the situation, receiving God's amazing love.  God bless you brother. 

[skiingco]

Thanks CL....called Joel and screened what I am doing 4 anniversary 2mrrw....I know it will all be rejected but would prefer to put up the effort vs her annotating me doing nothing as more to add on to the criticism list....despite me being here everyday she picks up the kids and keeps them away and then I dont see them until late...tax day today....yay second yr in a row paying....just peachy

[skiingco]

CL, she adamantly denounces the ministry is continues to say all she wants is to divorce.....as far as I know she has not Christ influence in her life, except the two Army Chaplains that disowned me, one who married us, the other who baptized my two sons.....I personally am disappointed in their behavior in doing so, and consider them weak hearted.....my sense is she is looking at me and using my adultery as an example of religous people are flawed 

[ChooseLove]

Glad to hear you on the call last night.  Quick note - you don't know it will all be rejected - you anticipate that.  Check your mindset as it affects the outcome of how you respond.  While we don't want to live in denial we also need to project what we want to be/happen.  Perhaps a simple example of this is in sports how you visualize doing something or envisioning the outcome - the more you focus what you would like to have happen the better.  Whether or not it turns out the way you want you are closer to having it happen then thinking the opposite.  It starts in the mind and our actions and feelings follow.

 

Have you attempted to reach out to the Army Chaplains and reconcile with them?  They obviously played an important role in your lives.  I can't see them disowning you if you are humbly seeking forgiveness, repenting of your sins.  

 

Your wife is DEEPLY hurt.  Hurt people, hurt people.  It is pretty common for folks to stereotype.  Your wife is going off her experience, but she is right in that all religious people are flawed otherwise we would not need Jesus.  I would acknowledge her and saw you are right!  Point her to the cross.  Pray that you are not a stumbling block to her and that she may have her own relationship with Christ.  

 

Here is a way you can pray for her....

 

 

Prayer is so powerful.  If you are a husband the best gift you can give your wife is to bless her every night with a prayer.

“I speak blessings over the life, body, soul, spirit and heart of _______________. Her heart is healed by the love of God and she is healthy and whole enough to pass this healing onto others.  ____________ sees herself as beautiful to God, herself and her husband.  She is balanced in her emotions and makes sound decisions, following the leading of the Holy Spirit.  She sees success as making God smile.  She makes God smile everyday.

Her body is healed from:

List the ailments that have been affecting _____________________’s physical wellness.

Her mind is healed from:

List the attitudes and mindsets that are stopping God’s voice from being heard clearly by _____________________.

Her family is healed from:

List the attitudes and mindsets that are preventing unity and peace in the family.

_______________ is a sanctuary of peace and restoration to her husband.  She is supporting and loving and builds her husband up.  She excels in her listening and communication with her husband.  She no longer expects what her husband is not able to provide for her.  She releases her husband from the responsibility of making her fulfilled and happy.  God is her source.  The blessings of God overflow to _______________and she is a vessel of healing hope and love for her husband. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Author: Julia Shalom Jordan

[MaryJane]

I hope you read ChooseLove's post carefully, Skiingco.

 

Thank you for posting the other day. Sorry I didn't get around to replying until now. I want to comment on the following quote from your post.

 

my wife went out of her way to be cordial in front of the boys to the extent of making me a plate for dinner......not reading too much into it, but thought that was ironic given I left the house telling her to let me know if she wanted me to go get a weekly rental.

Has your wife asked you to do this already, get a weekly rental, that is? If so, perhaps she was feeling warmer toward you because of your willingness to do what she has asked.

 

When you are consistently behaving in her presence, humbly, with kindness, and with straightforward friendliness, your wife will hardly be able to KEEP from responding positively toward you.

[skiingco]

CL/MJ......Anniversary Day went well....Joel's advice to go big on the 2 dozen I think was a good hit given the circumstances, I think it caught her off guard.....I made the dinner, although it did not turn out well....I got her ice in a cup and she did comment softly that she can get her own, but used some of the ice and put it in a different glass.......all in all, her tone, looking at me a few times, I think the day was as well as I could hope for......I sold the Vette, and she may already know from our friends (the husband probably told the wife who probably texted G), nonetheless, if all goes well tomorrow and I hand off he car, as soon as I drop it off from insurance, I am texting her and letting her know it is gone.....so between today's activity and announcing that tomorrow, crossing my fingers I can keep the Oxytocin flowin....hey that rhymes, I own it, I call it  

[7Times]

skiingco, I love your new optimism! I think she will start to pickup on that also and absorb it. As CL said, envision it as reality and it will change the way you bless her and the style of your actions.

 

I have a question (and I am not being sarcastic or rude with this): Can you explain the relevancy of putting the ice in the glass for her? You've mentioned it a bunch of times and I was wondering if it was a kind gesture you've done for her over the years or if there was some other significance. It seems like every time you mention that you "put ice in her glass", she responds in some type of negative way (on varying levels) EVERY time.

 

I was wondering if there could be a new simple, consistent gesture which could replace the ice in the glass (at least for the time being). I could be wrong, but at this point it seems like it's producing cortisol rather than oxytocin and she may be seeing it as a forced and manipulative rather than simple and kind (otherwise why the anger or indifference each time it's done?) Maybe you can come up with a new and original "ice in the glass" and make that your new, simple consistent gesture without worry of the ice in the glass feeling she seems to have at the moment.

 

Thoughts on that?

 

God bless! Keep the faith. We're with ya. And so is God.

Edited March 19, 2015 by 7Times

[MaryJane]

[skiingco]

7x...mos def wld like to find another gesture until we are reconciled...believe the holy spirit has put you on me to break away from it until we are reconciled...thank you and Amen GOD is watching

[skiingco]

Handed the Corvette over to buyer today and asked my wife to take me back to the base from DMV by our house.....45 mts.....she came and got me...1st ride with her in a long time.....I can't remember if we rode to base together after I broke off the affair...the last ride I remember she was very upset.......terrible time for her....much regret for me......when she arrived, I brought out small coke and straw, but she said she just came from Chik Fil A.....two drinks in the car already, one was ice coffee, she previously did not drink coffee....odd, but shook it off, kept quiet during the ride, she passed a Hwy Patrol speeding, but luckily did not get pulled over.......she was playing alot of upbeat music and I played Angry Birds for part of the way and then had to stop....very sleepy...I didn't sleep much overnight, because I really wanted to be done with the Corvette and send it on its way......when we got to base I thanked her and told her I would see her later........it was nice being with her..........came home and crashed.....she eventually came home with boys to eat a snack and get changed for DoJo.....I caught her looking at me....hee hee........I did send her a text before I left base thanking her again and telling her it was fun......I debated a little while ago on going to pick up some wine to have a glass while waiting for them to come home, but then I kept thinking, if I am not getting anything from the store we need for the house, how is that blessing her, so instead I am on the couch and posting on the forum

[ChooseLove]

Great update skiingco.  I agree with MJ, stay steady.  I too notice a change in the tone of your posts for the better.  Peace be with you.