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My lovely wife Ophelia let me know that she is pretty much done with our marriage and it is all my fault. I haven't consistently followed through with the tools given to me in the intensive we went to the last week of October and I own that. I can give detailed information if needed but our biggest problems have come to a head over sex. I am a passive guy who when it comes to initiating I would either be all over her groping like a teenager or so robotic that she was repulsed to be around me. Joel had taught me that I would heal this by initiating every day giving her the voice to say yes or no. That should have been so simple. We are both in our first marriage and she has put up with 12 years of abuse. I believe I have lost the best thing that has ever happened to me and am doing everything I can to win her back now. In my dysfunction I refused to connect. I would change actions as far as chores are concerned but I never connected. When we would connect both of us would be on cloud 9 but I would break that connection within a couple of days. Joel taught me about this and I was so arrogant to think I didn't have a problem with connecting. Boy was I wrong. I should have been on the forums when I heard about them 5 months ago. I do need help walking through this as I win back the heart of my wife and my children.

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I know that I'm at fault, being a narcissistic butt of a husband, I just reread how the first sentence sounded. I do need help and want to change with consistency. Every time I start being somewhat consistent and Ophelia starts to open up I revert. Ophelia has pointed out that I don't remember a lot that was taught at the intensive so maybe I need to go again? I just need to keep doing this till it sticks.

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My DW pointed out to me a couple months ago that I would mope around the house when things would get really bad and called it droopy dog so I could recognize that and snap out of it. I realize reading above that is exactly what I was doing again. I am out of that place now and will be a leader to my family. Keep the refining pot hot please and call me out on everything that I post here that is not outwardly focused. My DW will be the measuring stick by which I know if I'm getting this right. I have the nice guy dysfunction were I want everyone I communicate with to think I'm a great guy; so wear me out because I'm really not or my wife would be happy.

Edited by Riversedge
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See, you are doing it again. "I'm really not a nice guy. Admire me for my humility. Please!"

 

It gives the hearer the creeps. No wonder your wife is at the end of her rope.

 

Love HER. Forget about how good or bad you are -- for a very long time.

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Love HER. Forget about how good or bad you are -- for a very long time.

 

Thanks MJ, I need to remember this important fact also, putting myself down is still being self centered, which is still focusing on ME, rather than my wife, how I can bless and love her. I am sure this is a big problem with all passive men.

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Sounds good!

 

When you are tempted to look ahead at all the days and years you are going to "have to" keep on loving your wife, remind yourself that this is the NEW you, the new man in Christ Jesus. You are well able to do what's right because He is your strength.

 

After awhile your new way of doing marriage will be so rewarding and you will feel so much more confident, that your old ways will look so paltry that you will want to laugh at them!

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Thanks MJ. I am on night shift this week so I only get to spend about 2 hours with my wife and kids before going to work. It is during these times that I usually end up focusing on myself (by being manic about getting the HSKC, DVD, ect. in) instead of on my wife then I would really spiral down. I am making sure that my focus is out and loving her. She is really responding well, and I'm giving as much as I can. Seeing her being so happy is amazing and I am making sure she continues to be loved and cherished. This is were the growth is in just loving Ophelia without expectations or being self serving. We have a really packed week next week; but our date is set up and already prepared for, so that is way different than ever before being the man with a plan.

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Ok. I need some help. My wife cut her finger and asked for help. I went over and assessed how bad it was and froze up. It wasn't bad as far as stitches are concerned but I froze up and she had to tell me what she needed. I iopened up all kinds of wounds for her as to me not taking care of her throughout our marriage. I apologized and went over what happened but that turned into what I did wrong and how I can fix it next time, she told me I that I was arguing. She said that I'm being a child and focussed on how I feel and not her pain, that I have no empathy or compassion. I believe what she is telling me and focusing out by getting everything ready for a small trip she and the kids are going on. I do really care about her. Since I'm arguing and have no empathy or compassion she said she doesn't want to see me. It is very apparent that I stepped on a land mine of arrested development when my wife was in need of help. I am making sure that I am not moping around or pouty. We will be on the call tonight.

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And the topic of don't be like me, will change as I do this to "This really works". 

Mary Jane, when I got on the forum today and saw that "title" I thought, "That title has got to go."  Ugh!

 

 

 

 

kay, Riversedge, I want to remind you that you have two arms, two legs, and a brain. You can do all you are being asked to do as a husband. God would not have given you the assignment to love your wife if He knew you were too weak or too narcissistic or too stupid to do it!

 

No more talk like that, please!

 

I do not want to hear you use degrading terms about yourself anymore!  

MaryJane, I like how you are calling him to a higher place and not remaining the same.  
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Yeah Riversedge, 

 

when you go into the

 

"Woe is me, I'm a bad person, I've been a bad husband.....mode,

 

It draws on the "mommy mode" in a woman and makes her respond from the place of a mom instead of a wife.  "oh, it's ok honey, your not that bad."  That response from her will not help you grow up and be the husband your wife needs you to be.  

 

. eventually she gets really MAD that she has to be a mom to yet another "child" in the home instead of being the wife she thought she was going to be. It's not SEXY to her....at ALL.

 

Ok, so you haven't been the husband that your wife has needed you to be. Ok, you didn't have an example growing up on how to be that husband.  Ok, we got it, That is established now.  So, TODAY is a brand new day!  His Mercies are NEW everyday.  

 

Lets BE that great husband TODAY!    No excuses and no focusing on what you haven't done and lets get busy on focusing on the what you can DO today.  Remember, focus out1

 

The Word say for you to "Leave your Mother and Father and cleave to your wife,  Larry had a great revelation on that.  That he, you, etc were/ are to LEAVE your childhood and grow up.  You are to grow up and BE the husband your wife needs you to be.  She needs you to Cleave/ Bond ( care about, value, honor, cherish, love, be concerned for) her.  You show it be ACTION. Actions of focusing OUT!  The opposite of "narcissistic"

 

Everyday is a NEW DAY!  I call it a "redo."  You get to "redo" by doing right and in the doing right you fix the wrong.  You replace the wrong with the right.  You fix the past by replacing the past with the right today and going forward.  

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Hi there Riversedge, 

 

yeah, I think you "going over what happened" instead of being concerned about "her" and the pain her finger was in was not really the best plan.  

 

Your lack of care for her in the past could have taken a step forward toward healing by you instead,focusing on her, her finger, the pain she was in and helping her get a band aid and ointment to help with. She needs to know you are there and focused out on "her" in the little issues and the Big issues.   

 

Ok, learning moment.  Don't go into the "Woe is me" guy on the call tonight.  Have the mindset of  "I'm really sorry, I'm committed to getting this.  Your right in the moment I missed it, it went right over my head and I am really sorry.  I'm really sorry that in the past, I was not there for you, I did not take care of you and protect you or make you feel safe " attitude.  

 

You can do this.  You are MORE than capable of doing this life.  You just have to sell out and committing all this to your heart and mind. Your a smart guy.

YOU CAN DO!  

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Have a great weekend with your wife Riversedge.  Let's us be men of courage and stand firm in our faith.  Let the light of Christ shine brightly in you.  You be the change and let the goodness of the Lord dwell in you so that your wife may find safe harbor.  I am standing with you pursuing my wife, dying to self to become the man God wants me to be.  May He be glorified in our thoughts, words and deeds. Amen.

 

courageous-men.jpg

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Today didn't go very well but I do see how I could have made it better and what I need to do tomorrow. I am on night shift this week so I only get to seenu wife and kids for a couple of hours before work. I apologized to Ophelia for going fetal yesterday and fell into my own trap of talking about what I had done, not growing, and not asking her about her feelings or what she needed. She told me that I was moving backwards. We watched 30 minutes of the DVD together then I played with kids for 20 minutes. While teaching my son to throw frisby I realized the joy I was giving my children is directly from my focusing out on them. I know what I need to give my wife and tried to give some of that to her before I left for work. It was a great 4 days and now I'm moving to love her like she needs and not pushing her into accepting me. I finished the day with a bounce in my step and a smile on my face. I will keep updating and so far in this thread I see how when things get tough I am not the steady loving husband my wife needs. I am making a move to be what she needs as a husband and not a child, loving her like Christ loves me.

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I understand Ophelia not having any faith or trust in my getting this right. I have hurt her so bad and the rest of my life I can not treat her good enough to make up for our past. I am choosing to stay committed to this and walking it out. Thank you for the responses and encouragement. This ministry is the only thing that will help our marriage. I have only given her 4 really good days this week so I need to at least show that I am pulling myself out of the mud faster than ever before so we can move forward. My question is, is it normal to actually be more infantile before their is real growth? She told me today that I have regressed and the good times are getting shorter. This is the first time I have ever just loved her and not pushing buttons this week. I love her, I need her and she needs to see me consistently giving to her like I was early in the week especially when something comes up and she needs me. It is easy to love her and enjoyable. She is a amazing wife.

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