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Another fail. I just received a horrible text from my brother who is a sexual predator and who molested me as a child. He blames my wife for my pulling away for my not having any contact with my family. Without fail everytime Ophelia and I are struggling they try to contact me. The text blamed Ophelia for everything and blamed both of us for his divorce in which he had at least 7 affairs in 7 years. I should have protected Ophelia from this evil text but I didn't. I forward one to her after I told her he started texting me. When it comes to my family contacting me it has always set us back. Maybe this is a topic for the call with J&K but should I just not let my wife know when they contact me?

Edited by Riversedge
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it is your job to protect your wife from abuse. Words hurt!

 

I think you should not even tell your wife that your family are contacting you. And for sure, do NOT show her those hurtful words!

 

I think you should not REPLY to a message like that -- at all! It does not deserve a reply!

 

I say, yes, take this problem with your family to the call. They will have some good insights for you, I'm sure.

 

Otherwise,

 

Have you squared your shoulders, and given your wife a LOVER apology and are you reaching out to her with love and kindness?

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Thanks MJ. I have apologized through text but not in person because I'm at work tonight. I have now blocked all of my family from being able to call or text me since they will not stop. I haven't replied to any of them either and I will not. I promised Ophelia that I wouldn't contact them and I haven't blocked any of them except for my mother on my contact list before just in case of an emergency since my parents are getting older. Today is a new day and now all of my family are blocked from my phone. Leave and cleave, no more set backs from them.

Edited by Riversedge
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Today I do need some help, I am stepping it up and with a smile on my face and a bounce in my step. It's from a real place and not faking it till I make it. After being bombarded by my family last night with insults about my wife, I have more resolve than ever before to protect her and love her like Christ. She is very hurt by my being thoughtless and forwarding one of the text to her. I want to show her love and care but she doesn't want anything to do with me. I understand she is hurt, how can I legitimately move forward with a lovers apology and get this right but listen to her and stay away? I failed yesterday by not stopping and staying in apology mode and not showing her love. I haven't had the opportunity to get it right and show that I care about her. The call is tonight so I may have to wait to be on it, I just don't want this to drag out and give her lots of oxytocin and encouragement by loving her.

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We just finished talking. Ophelia pointed out that I'm the one who hurt her not my family, she would have never none about the text if I wouldn't have forward it to her and that was active way of abusing. She told me the kindness most compassionate loving thing I can do is just let her go since I have shown that I'm not doing this.

I agreed that if I don't give her a full four week cycle of loving her no matter what happens and her feeling loved then I will let her go. This is the hardest thing for me to say and I can't imagine what pain she is feeling. She is the judge on if I'm doing this or just talking about it. I will continue to update progress here so all the feedback and correction is welcome. It's do or die. I choose do.

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I'm glad you have chosen, DO.

 

So, Ophelia has agreed to wait four more weeks if you are consistently loving and thoughtful toward her? If so, you are all set. All you have to do is DO -- as you have already chosen!

 

Of course, getting on the call tonight is a good thing too.

 

With God's help you can and will do it.

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We will be on the call tomorrow. Thank you MJ for keeping up with this thread. The biggest battle is my own head and self worth. I have to keep telling myself that I'm made in the image of God and I can do this. I asked Ophelia if she would keep reminding me about the cycle and my pattern. She was quick to point out that would be a mommy to me rather than a wife so I apologized and will take my own initiative to just treat her right and loved.

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Please, yes, do your own reminding. If Ophelia does occasionally point something out, be prepared with a good attitude of thankfulness that she is still interested in seeing you succeed!

 

Here is a statement that helped me when I felt unsure of how well I was doing, especially before the Lord. It's a Godly belief, as opposed to an ungodly one.

 

"I am already meeting God's standard because I am washed in the Blood."

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Another great day. We have a very busy schedule this week and next so I'm focusing on blessing Ophelia anyway possible.

 

MJ , this really helps to remember. Thank you

"I am already meeting God's standard because I am washed in the Blood."

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Had a really good day today. We went to the zoo with our kids and a widow friend who is like a mother to me and a grandmother to our children. It was a good day to see just how much of a difference my having a good attitude affects everyone positively.

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The day was going really well and I found myself early in the day not focusing out so I doubled my attention on Ophelia from work when I could and that worked. I really messed up tonight by not initiating sex. Ophelia called me on it and I argued with her that I was and we even talked about the way I was not being who I really am so try again later. I didn't, sex is where I have been so passive it doesn't happen. Joel has told me that I have to initiate every day and I made a commitment to. This is hard to admit and talk about that I don't know my wife enough to initiate without saying it. She is all that matters and no matter how I think I did what was right, when she says I didn't I have to take it and believe it. I pushed back with believing I did initiate and by me arguing that point is being controlling by saying my reality is real not yours. I was not being Christ like and humble about the consequences of my sin and that I hurts Ophelia. This is my own deadline in going for the gold. She deserves so much better than I gave her tonight. This is all my fault in how the night ended up and that we won't be talking till the couples call with John and Susan.

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A wife needs to feel loved in order to properly enjoy sex. If she doesn't. FEEL loved, I say she isn't BEING loved. I hope that helps you to believe your wife when she says you are not initiating.

 

Initiating sex is making your wife feel so loved and desired that her heart naturally warms to you and she loves and desires you back!

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I understand this and it is very possible that I wasn't loving her the way she needed me too. The big problem that keeps coming up in our marriage is my not initiating in a recognizable way to my wife. She needs me to peruse her so she has the voice to say yes or no and to feel desired. Earlier in the night I started kissing her neck while I was holding her and she told me that It was creepy and not being myself. I have been reading a book about pursuing a wife sexually and she talked to me about learning who I was and not to try and be someone else. We talked about it and decided to try again after we did some plumbing repairs. I was then over cautious about pushing and we held each other talking about dates and areas I need to improve on. While we were holding each other I was slowly caressing her but I didn't make the transition to love making. After about 30 minutes of holding her she was done waiting on me to initiate, called me out on it, and it all went downhill from there. Because of my not initiating then getting defensive about it ruined the whole day and it will ruin today to since we will have no contact until we get on a call.

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I have made a commitment to initiate sex daily and I broke that commitment last night. I desire my wife and have never learned how to pursue her without it being awkward. Not pursuing is protecting my fear of performance and not putting her heart first. We both know that it will be messy and a struggle at times until we both grow together in this area. Ophelia said she feels obligated at times because she wants to reward effort and she knows this is how we heal. When I hear that she is feeling obligated it is like a bucket of cold water but I know she is powering through because she wants to do what is right. I am not using porn, other women, men, or self gratification. She said that my lack of pursuit makes her wonder. I will start vocally letting Ophelia know when I am initiating sex so we are on the same page and there is no question. A couple months ago I would ask if it was ok to initiate or if she wanted a rain check. Ophelia let me know that was putting the pressure on her and being passive because I don't need to ask about what I'm supposed to already be doing. Then I went to the other extreme by announcing that I was initiating.

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I do need a lot of help here. I just read Ophelia's account of last night and I am ashamed. I stayed focused on how I did initiate and not her heart. I did get angry and tried to not show it but I failed there. Why couldn't I see or hear what I just read. Maybe we need to bring everything to the calls and not try to resolve them without help? I am serious about this 30 day deadline on myself and getting this right.

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Yes, your wife has to feel safe that you won't give her backlash for answering your question.

 

You are BOTH important to God. Therefore, you need to speak respectfully to your wife -- in ALL circumstances.

 

It will be easier to do that, as well as to initiate actual LM, if you see yourself in a respectful light, as well.

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Thank you. We have moved forward somewhat in LM with Ophelia twlling me know what is and is not working for her. On how to pursue she told me that I'm going to have to learn who I really am and just be me. That's the part I am at a loss with right now. Last night I didn't listen to her when she told me that she was hurt. I instead defended myself saying I was doing. I was not doing because Ophelia said so and she wouldn't be hurt if I was measuring up to what she needs from a husband. It is not my place to tell her what she needs just be what she tells me she needs. I am sorry that I didn't listen or believe her last night and I will listen and do what she ask of me now. It is a privilege to love her. All she ask of me is to be a Loving Christian husband.

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Riversedge,

 

Sex starts in the "morning" and goes "all day."  How?   Through your loving words and actions of Love!  

 

Then, when the time arrives, whether it be at night or the afternoon or even first thing in the morning, your pursuit of the "act of LM" will be welcomed in a much more enjoyable place for her.  As Joel likes to say, "sex for guys is great anytime."  lol   But in a Woman's world, sex is GREAT if she is feeling  Loved, cared for  and valued.  

 

Its like a pipeline.  If you keep the good flowing through the pipeline, when you turn the faucet on (initiate the act of LM) then she will enjoy it ....no matter what time of day.  

 

If you have not been an initiator of sex in your marriage, then you have to continue to pursue until it becomes who you are and its a natural instinct to "treat her great, all the time, initiate LM, treat her great, initiate LM, treat her great, initiate LM....etc.  Just do that 1000 times and then start over.  Thats all!  lol 

You can't be passive in this area.  Keep focusing out. 

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