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BTW, Riversedge, 

 

Lets change the name of this topic.  Thinkin outLoud options, in no particular order.  

 

1.  Working to be like Christ, by loving my wife and children. 

 

2.  "YES, this works and I'm going to prove it."

 

3.   The old man is dying, he's dying and that's a "good thing."  

 

I like all 3, but I think I like #2 and #3 the best, because it adds an element of "fun" in the title and in the "air" of the string.  

Because, if 2 or 3 happens, then #1 will be an automatic.  

 

Just ME, chiming in to your thought life.  :) 

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I like number 2. And I am going to do it.

 

There has been definite change in the past couple of weeks. This was my pattern that Ophelia typed out for me.

 

1st week, he's doing doing doing. I'm cautious, but paying attention.

 

2nd week, I begin to open up and really respond, he begins to pull inside himself and push back, but very subtly, and giving very sincere sounding apologies. I become his mommy and he becomes a child.

 

3rd week, I am hurting as he only talks of all he's doing right, denies my pain and argues that he's doing anything wrong, it's all out war. Phone calls make the abuse worse, but he sounds good.

 

4th week, still all out war, until he snaps out of it.

 

Now it has been 4 days of good and 2 days bad. Last night ended a 4 good day stretch and I am on track now. Next 4 days and no wheels falling off.

Edited by Riversedge
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Wow, I really like the new title there Riversedge.

 

Do you see how "positive" that title is compared to the 

 

woe is me, "don't be like me" attitude.  

 

The one was hopeless and the other is hopeful.  

The one is negative and the other is positive.

The one is self focused and the other is a focused outward.

The one is " I just can't get this, I just can't do this, I just can't....... where the other is "I CAN and I WILL DO IT!!!  PERIOD!  The decision is made, aint nobody gonna stop me attitude

The one has "no life" in it and the other is "FULL OF LIFE, BELIEF, AND EXPECTANCY.   That is how your attitude is to be everyday.  Its like a 2 minute read.  Even at dinner time with the kids.  

 

It's called:   "365 days of Positive Self Talk by Shad Helmstetter. Ph.D

 

RATING:  "E" for EVERYONE!!!

 

Yes, for all who are reading this post, that means YOU TOO!!   [smilie=hi ya!.gif], 

Read and dwell on what you read, read and dwell on what you read, read and dwell on what you read, like you do with the scriptures.  You read and dwell on what you read, you read and dwell on what you read, and so forth.  

 

Blessings everyone who is reading this.  

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Thank you for the reminder to stay positive. I dove head first into that trap last night and knew that I was there when it was too late. I am so much happier when I have a positive outlook on life in general and will keep this uplifted lifestyle growing. Everyone around me is happier too, you can see it all over the kids. Ophelia can breath and thanks me for giving her good. My son has had the liberty of pointing things out to me that I need to change or apologize for. My daughter is asking me to fill her love jar and it's just a joy.

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I understand this and it is very possible that I wasn't loving her the way she needed me too. The big problem that keeps coming up in our marriage is my not initiating in a recognizable way to my wife. She needs me to peruse her so she has the voice to say yes or no and to feel desired. Earlier in the night I started kissing her neck while I was holding her and she told me that It was creepy and not being myself. I have been reading a book about pursuing a wife sexually and she talked to me about learning who I was and not to try and be someone else. We talked about it and decided to try again after we did some plumbing repairs. I was then over cautious about pushing and we held each other talking about dates and areas I need to improve on. While we were holding each other I was slowly caressing her but I didn't make the transition to love making. After about 30 minutes of holding her she was done waiting on me to initiate, called me out on it, and it all went downhill from there. Because of my not initiating then getting defensive about it ruined the whole day and it will ruin today to since we will have no contact until we get on a call.

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I am struggling with the flesh in the moment, we will have great days but the first time something comes up instead of it being a bump I am not humble. Ophelia told me how I touch her is everything with initiating. She needs me to slowly add foreplay throughout the day before she can respond to me asking her like John suggested. She told me how I'm like a dead fish or like a how are you touch and that's not sexy. Yesterday I hugged her in a way she expressed to me over and over that she hates. I gave her a hug while she was doing something in the kitchen pinning her arms down. By my doing that I'm saying stop whatever your doing and its physically intimidating and abussive. Joel has told me before when she is busy rub her back or kiss the back of her neck. I will not do this again that is not being focused on her it is doing what I want. I also qualified this on the call by saying I was on my way out the door to play catch with my son. That was a self serving commit.

 

Today when I get off of work I am going to be in full pursuit of loving her. This has been what I am not doing is loving her like a lover, a wife. I will be loving her and asking her a lot of questions about her and what she needs.

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This is what Joel and Kathy taught in the intensive, and in the books. Foreplay needs to be going on all day.

 

Instead of thinking of it as foreplay or a difficult goal you have to reach, think of it as simply being affectionate toward your wife. Touch her casually and kindly as you walk past her, etc.

 

In order to show warm affection toward anybody, you have to know that you have a well of it to give. Because you have been saved through the Blood of Jesus, you have immediate access to an endless supply of it.

 

Be confident. Show affection.

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Ophelia talked with me this morning about how my fruits show that I'm not saved and I've tried to get saved over and over. I again lied to her this morning saying my son might have overheard me taking vacation for the marriage intensive. I knew he did and he told me after the call that I should go to a bunch of them and that shows that my heart is the real issue here. Until I get this settled, I will not be able to win this war against my flesh. I have asked about going to another intensive and I will, but I know that this is a issue of my heart. I will be coming clean before everyone and God so that I no longer carry that weight and learn what it means to trust Jesus. I have been leaning on my own understanding and Ophelia told me this morning that as I don't really trust anyone I don't trust Jesus. Joe and Kathy are right look what my way has done, pain destruction, death, and now a broken home. I have hurt everyone around me, seeing all this pain I have created is to much to bear. I will not create anymore but fervently seek God because He is the only answer not me. All these lies and delusions are taking me to hell. I am sorry and ask for forgiveness as I go humble with my wickedness and look to Jesus.

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I get that if my heart would have been towards my wife I would have listened the first time around. I just received some great council from a local pastor about salvation, sanctification, and real repentance is not penance. It's turning around and getting on the right road everytime I realize I'm going the wrong way. When I realize and just get feeling sorry for myself in sackcloth and ashes but stay sitting in the middle of the wrong road is being oh woe is me, because I never get on the right road.

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Last night God showed Himself in a very real way to me, while Ophelia was praying with me. I'll write about this in more detail later after some time has passed. Since then I have had a very sweet time with Ophelia and a great day pouring out love to her. She is responding great but is observing to see where this goes.

Edited by Riversedge
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Riversedge,

 

     God is a God of order. When we keep His order all things Him flow through us and through His order. The following is God's order:

 

1. God: Your personal relationship with Him

2. Ophelia 

3. Your Children

Ministry, Job, Extended family, friends and so on.

 

 If your one on one relationship with Father is struggling, your relationship with your bride will suffer as well. These two relationships go hand in hand. I always tell my guys they are 1A and 1B. For those of us who have been doing this for a good long time can look at your your struggles with your wife and know that you are struggling with a personal one on one relationship with Father. 

 

Once your pursuit of Father and Christ is where it should be, you will be able to love your bride the way Christ loves you.

 

How does He love you? He loves you unconditionally and without expectation. He loves you for who you are not what you can do for Him. He loves you with all that is Him. How do I know he loves you this way? Because He chose you! 

 

Now you have the opportunity to be like Christ for your bride. How do you do this? It is very simple. ALWAYS choose your bride before yourself just like Christ chose you before himself.

 

God Bless

David

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Today I didn't put my wife first with something I asked her about a few days ago and she said she would consider it but she needed time to think about it. When asked about it today by a outside source I went ahead and scheduled it breaking that commitment I made with my wife. I didn't have her heart before mine, and hurt her. I didn't show any difference in my actions when being called out, with push back and explaining. Ophelia also pointed out how I wasn't keeping up with the DVD's or apology letter this week, those are basics that I didn't make happen. I am being accountable here about how I have failed today and this week. I repent of not having her heart first today. Tomorrow is a new day to love Ophelia and give life. I am looking forward to being accountable on the call tonight and going to the intensive next week.

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I can do that. I have already written a apology letter for this week, Ophelia and I have been doing the apology letter a little different I think. We keep a running account of what has came up in the last week. We are supposed to have a date night tonight and apology letter tomorrow. We have found that keeping them on separate nights is better.

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Riversedge, I just read your wife's last post and really I am at loss for words.  You have so many resources and you are whittling them away.  Your wife is hurting in so many ways and I don't see real dying to self.

 

This is tough stuff, it appears you are continuing to be defensive, blame, and set your wife up.  The fact she is so involved with the ministry is a true blessing and shows her deep faith in God.  

 

I am glad you are here posting and getting on the calls, but it takes corresponding action, positive words and encouragement consistently if you want to see real change.  I have been at this since December of 2013 and honestly if I continued to do what you have been doing there is a good chance my wife would have left me by now.  I see many of my own mistakes and hangups in you so please trust me when I write these words.  I hear my wife saying many of the same things your wife has said and written about here and it hits me hard.  

 

Brother I want you to have an amazing marriage, but there appear to be many things you are holding onto and not dying to self, becoming the man God desires and meeting your wife where she is at.  I am praying for you, but I want to encourage you to look long and hard at Ophelia's posts.  Break them down and really allow them to sink in.  Start by posting your apology letter here for feedback from the moderators.  Stop talking to so many people outside of the ministry and PROTECT your wife at all costs.  Create a safe haven and let the love of Christ dwell in you deeply so out of that well you may love her and your children.  

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I can do that. I have already written a apology letter for this week, Ophelia and I have been doing the apology letter a little different I think. We keep a running account of what has came up in the last week. We are supposed to have a date night tonight and apology letter tomorrow. We have found that keeping them on separate nights is better.

"We" don't keep a running account of what's going on. YOU are supposed to be coming to a deeper understanding of how you have hurt me in the past, thus bringing healing to those past hurts. Sadly, because the abuse is coming so much and so quickly, and because you refuse to do the apology letter every week like you have committed to do, and because you refuse to apologize the first or second or third time I call you out on things, you only get to recent offenses with the apology letter, and never get a deeper understanding of any of my pain, past or present. Which means I don't get healing for anything, because the abuse has never stopped.

Edited by Ophelia
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So you have missed the entire point of the apology letter. It's not meant to be a running tab of sin and offense that you can take care of all at one time every week or two. You are supposed to be taking care of those things immediately, *as soon as I bring them up*. The point of the apology letter is to be looking to understand my pain and the part you have played in it, and bring closure and healing for the years of abuse. This is beyond frustrating. It's madness. All the call moderators have told you repeatedly to come to a deeper understanding of the pain you cause, yet all I get is a deeper understanding of YOUR feelings and struggles.

Edited by Ophelia
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