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Earlier in the week, Dan told me about taking out piers at his mom & dad's on Sat morning & telling me I dont have to go cause it gets weird sometimes.(He manipulates & makes it weird). I ask if it's a quick job- like 1 hour? He says yeah we dont have to stay long. Now, it's grown into a nephew's birthday party, etc. (It sounds like an all day thing 10am to 6pm)Dan bio teen daughters are excited. My 12 yr old daughter says it's boring(4yrs of dysfunction by not being included in fun on the lake activities w/stepsisters & cousins). When she wanted to have fun with them, they don't wanna. (Treated like only biological family are special amongst them.) Nevaeh said when we go to my Grpa & Grma's(my mom & dad), they have fun with all of us. Nevaeh said I would rather sleep in. When Nevaeh makes a comment  or when I'm ready to leave, Dan seems annoyed cause 6 hours of mom & Dad worship isn't enough(my husband is in arrested development). Should Nevaeh & i go there? My fear is that Dan's stays over there too long, I lose my husband cause he is under their spell & he gets bothered by us spending time together.  (All week this week, I say I wanna ride the motorcycle.  He gets a bad attitude & then I don't wanna go.)

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Just keep it casual.   

"Thank you for offering but we will skip the nephew's birthday party. Nevaeah and I will make a mother daughter date out of it but if (Dan's daughters names) would like to come along with us, I would be happy to make it a mother daughter and stepdaughter(s) date."

 Let's eliminate words words that are attacking words that we don't use in the ministry such as mom and dad worship and that he is under their spell. 

 When my brothers would go to visit my mother, even if they did not tell their wife that they were gonna stop and see her on the way home from work, their wives told me that they could tell immediately when they walked in the door that they had been with their mother. 

 Those things take years to break but they don't get broken by saying things like mom and dad worship and under their spell. They get broken by reminding Dan to focus on you when he is around them.  Saying those type of things are attacking and only irritate the situation without any positive benefit.   

Everyone in the ministry is arrested in their developments and in processes of growth.  Remember that a wife is normally only a few years older than her husband so if Dan is basically an embryo or one or two-year-old, then that would land you out of this would land you at about 5 years old. 

Knowing that, pay attention to knee jerk things that you want to say and ask yourself, is this something that will contribute positively to change or is this simply something that is attacking and irritating with no value.  

Have fun this weekend! It will be a great mother daughter date!  No stress.  

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I don't mean that he is bothered by Nevaeh and I spending time together. I mean that he's gonna stay at his parents and not wanna prioritize our marriage by going on a date. (Wed, i told him i wanted to go for a motorcycle ride. He agreed that he would. He told me during his break that things were bad at work & said that he wasn't gonna bring it home. He said he would be mean to them & not me.  Yet when he came home, he started nitpicking me. I didn't wanna go after that).

 

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9 hours ago, KathyandJoel said:

 

Thanks so much for your quick response. It worked! He apologized after we slept on it. We went on a coffee walk & then he went & pulled out piers at his mom's. Now we are on our way to the county fair as a family. Thank you, Kathy & Joel!

Edited by Bo Peep
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Bo Peep posted: 

Dan calls home this morning. He says that he is gonna take his truck to work this evening & pick up free stuff.(He has been saying for the past 3 days that he was gonna drive truck to work instead he has taken car to work. He even repeated that he was gonna take truck to work last night in front of all of the kids & his parents). I said to him I thought you said you were gonna take truck today? He said I didn't wanna have it sit all day. (More time away from me). I said that I would like for us to spend some time together & that I need him to listen to my heart. I said well can I ride with you? He said yeah. Later I msg him & asked if I could bring truck up & he could load it. He said yes. I went there at his lunch. He loaded it & I asked if I could get some ice. He said No. In his shop, they have ice machines & he would have let me have some before? Weird! As I'm driving on the way home, he calls & offers to take me on a motorcycle ride tonight to Celebrate Recovery. I said that they have youth group at the same time tonight & our girls should go too. We could go on a ride before or after though. It would be nice if he asked what I wanted to do. Here lately, everything has to be on his terms. How is he gonna listen to my heart if we are on a motorcycle? How do you get your husband to want to initiate quality time?

 

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1 hour ago, KathyandJoel said:

Bo Peep posted: 

Dan calls home this morning. He says that he is gonna take his truck to work this evening & pick up free stuff.(He has been saying for the past 3 days that he was gonna drive truck to work instead he has taken car to work. He even repeated that he was gonna take truck to work last night in front of all of the kids & his parents). I said to him I thought you said you were gonna take truck today? He said I didn't wanna have it sit all day. (More time away from me). I said that I would like for us to spend some time together & that I need him to listen to my heart. I said well can I ride with you? He said yeah. Later I msg him & asked if I could bring truck up & he could load it. He said yes. I went there at his lunch. He loaded it & I asked if I could get some ice. He said No. In his shop, they have ice machines & he would have let me have some before? Weird! As I'm driving on the way home, he calls & offers to take me on a motorcycle ride tonight to Celebrate Recovery. I said that they have youth group at the same time tonight & our girls should go too. We could go on a ride before or after though. It would be nice if he asked what I wanted to do. Here lately, everything has to be on his terms. How is he gonna listen to my heart if we are on a motorcycle? How do you get your husband to want to initiate quality time?

 

Dan has been a workaholic lately. I want to go on a ride. I am dressed up today & look hot most days & I praise him & we had a quickie yesterday so....how can we have a conversation on a loud motorcycle? 

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You don't have to have huge heart-to-heart conversations like everyday. Enjoy life. Enjoy each day.  If you're feeling like he is working too much then just say something simple to the effect of,  " Hey Dan, I really appreciate all the stuff you're doing around the house with fixing floors and doing all of the repairs and things.

 

What I'd really like to do tonight or tomorrow is just you and I go out on a date by ourself and just relax and have some time to visit by ourselves."

 Keep it simple.  

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What you don't want to say is open ended things like we never spend time together peri'm together. Be very specific and suggest a time that you can spend together. 

 

What you don't want to say, is "we never go out on dates together just by ourselves. "

 Instead you can say, "we have been so busy lately how about you set us up a date for Friday night for dinner and a movie?"

  You can add on that Joel and Kathy tell everybody that they definitely need to have a date once a week which is just them by therselves.  

 If you want to have a heart-to-heart type deep conversation on that date then you might want to plan on having 2 dates per week; one just for fun and 1 for communication about heart issues. 

 There is a lot of good information in the section about women responding warmly.  One of the writers talks about the Arrested Development.   She did a really good job with that.   

 

 

 

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Dan calls me from my daughter's phone when I'm on my drive home yesterday from work saying that she is out of control. My daughter speaks up in the background & then Dan lies to her & says that he is on the phone with her real dad. I said that I would handle it when I got home. I approach our house 3 min later & see my daughter walking down the road crying. She proceeds to tell me that Dan took her phone, disconnected the home phone, & told her that I was in a wreck(lie) & left my daughter at home by herself while Dan & his daughter drove off. Just before he left, my daughter tried to get her phone back from Dan & that's when he elbowed her in the face. His daughter got in the car & they left. 

  Dan & his daughter pull up in his car beside mine as i am talking to my daughter at the side of the road. I asked him why he left. He said that he needed to cool off cause she was out of control. I drove to our garage. Dan came back & as I was talking to my daughter in my car in the garage, he was coming in & out of the garage(pacing the floor). 

   Nevaeh & I left after I got the phone back from Dan. Dan claimed that he tried to calm her down before taking her phone. He yelled what are you gonna reward her? I said you lied & said I was in a wreck & then abandoned her &  then i walked away with my hand up.

  My daughter & I get back from my mom's. We head up to her room. Dan comes up there. He said where's my medicine? I don't wanna have to beg for it in the morning! (I have to dispense his stimulant cause he abuses his meds. Yet he doesn't take his mood stabilizers). I said wake me up & I will take care of it. 

  This morning, I wake up on my own & get him his pill. He wanted to accuse & argue. I said why don't you take something nutritious to work. He smashes his 5 bags of chips & cookies then dumps them in the trash. 

  All this- after we had a good time together this weekend with him & i & his daughters (my daughter wasnt there cause she was at her dads for the weekend). After her 1st day back, Dan took it too far!

  Dan has given me the silent treatment & avoided me all day. I overheard his daughters saying that he was gonna make us pack our sh*t & go

 

Any suggestions? 

Edited by Bo Peep
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I have not read the post above. Kathy will. Mens call in 5 minutes. 

 

Melissa texted a couple texts from Dan. The forum does not work to paste a screen shot of texts. 

In all fairness, if you are going to be gone in the evening, sending him a text message as a courtesy to let him know where you will be is a nice thing to do.  He should know your schedule though if the meeting is every week.  You might just text back, "I am at Alanon and you are being a jerk. You need to apologise."

Melissa, you can type out his texts for reference for others if you want. 

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I haven't heard from Dan since early this morning. Now as I am at an Alanon meeting, Dan texts me: You coming back tonight or not? Just wondering, if I hear someone comin in...I know it's you.....then he texts: Or are you staying at his place so you can warm up with him? (Accusing me of cheating on him with bus mechanic at work). 

Maybe that's him projecting on me what he is doing?

 

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After i texted him that I am at an Alanon meeting..tell him he is being a jerk.. & he needs to apologize.   He texts back: are you gonna answer my question if I'm coming home or not? He texted me back: what should I say sorry for? My crappy texts?

 

How should I respond?

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