Bo Peeps Journey

[Bo Peep]

 Dan hasn't went to a AA or CR meeting in a month now. Dan told me i could get out his morning med now.(Dr asked me to dispense his amphetamine cause he has abused it recently). I told him that I would give him his morning med in the morning & asked him if he took his anxiety medicine. He said No. I told him I would have to let them know that he refused to take those.

After I got off the couples call, Dan comes out of the bedroom & asked if I heard him tell me this morning that he said sorry. I said NO. You made excuses & said I'm with my boss. I will call you back & then never did. He said well I'm sorry for getting caught up in the moment with Nevaeh (seems like a half-a**** apology after lying to her saying I was in a wreck, took her phone, cut off home phone, drove off after elbowing her in the face as she tried to get her phone back). 

[KathyandJoel]

If he elbowed her in the face then that would be the time to call the police. 

At the same time, previous to that, he is the adult and she is the child.

If he tells her to give him her phone for whatever reason then she is supposed to do that.   

It sounds like the thing escalated escalated because Dan has no mature control of himself and Nevada was completely disobedient. She probably was indeed getting out of hand and demanding that he not take her phone.  

You definitely will need to deal with Neveah about being obedient  in that type of situation. 

 You can tell her that if she thinks that he is wrong that she can have have the floor to completely explain her side of the story to you later and if Dan is wrong, you will have him apologize.   

 It is not like she gets to choose whether to obey him or not if he gives her an order when you are not home.  

Perhaps the day will come when he will be mature enough that Neveah can say to him that she does not think that he is being fair and he will calmly and patiently let her explain herself.   

  Again, as for him elbowing her in the face, if that is a reality, then the police should be called.   It sounds more to me though like he took the phone and she decided that she was not going to be obedient and she started a fight to try to get the phone back and she lost the fight.  

Him telling her that you got into a wreck?  That is simply unacceptable and he needs to apologize to Neveah and to you and he needs to quit lying.   Liars go to h***. 

 This is certainly a moment in time that you would have every right to simply  lower the boom and call it quits and file divorce because of him  being so abusive.  

You probably are not going to choose to do that right now which is fine so I suggest that you have him read this response and Dan, you need to take responsibility and straighten yourself out in these areas.  Quit being so immature and quit lying and quit being abusive. 

At the same time Melissa, you definitely need to talk with Neveah that she does have to be obedient to Dan whether she agrees or not.

She does not get to choose whether to be obedient. 

We gave our children permission to speak up and state their case and quite often they were right and I, Joel, was wrong.  That took maturity on my part to allow them to do that.  

 Dan, if you are going to take a step toward maturity then you are going to need going to need to allow Melissa to determine between the 2 of you if you and Neveah get into a childish 5 year old argument again.  

 

[Bo Peep]

Dan did apologize to both Nevaeh & I. I had a couple of conversations with Nevaeh about Dan being in charge when I'm not home. I thought I made it clear before. She needed a reminder. She apologized to Dan. Things were alot better yesterday because Dan listened to my heart. We sorted out the other day & talked about coping skills to use if it happens again. We watched the Intensive video last night & also read Ken Nair's book(...man's heart). Today has been great also with Dan reaching out during the day with thoughtful calls & texts & I have been responding positively. Thanks Joel & Kathy! I appreciate you letting me know that the steps are still the same whether I'm dealing with addiction or sobriety when it comes to my husband. Good for good & bad for bad!

[KathyandJoel]

Glad yall got over the hump and had good conversations.  

Let's keep it rolling.  

[Bo Peep]

Dan had been decent over the past couple days. We had our grandsons over Fri, went shopping & dancing on Sat, got up Sun- read your book, had sex, went to church. During service, he made a comment about the missionaries always wanting money(past 2 Sundays). We went to Arby's. Dan reluctantly went along w/ coupons(made it seem like it was beneath his girls). Headed to Walmart for mouthwash. Dan didn't wanna stay together as a couple in Walmart. His girls made it back to car before we did. Then Dan, 3 girls, & I went to Menards. Nevaeh went w/Dan & I. His girls went off together to browse. We picked out toilet & went to look for trim. Nevaeh & I were walking ahead as Dan was pulling cart. I look back & Dan stopped to look at stove way back & didnt say anything. He didnt seem to wanna stay together as a couple like at Walmart. I let Dan know that Nev & I had to go bathroom. After leaving bathroom,  we looked for Dan in trim section & then bldg materials. He wasn't to be found. We headed back toward stoves, Dan comes out of that area. I said we were looking for you. He said he was waiting for me on the beds(by stoves). Dan prices trim. He said he will look at work for discontinued trim this week. I distanced myself cause he kept splitting off into different places like his old pattern(before Intensive when we went to stores). Nevaeh said, "Mom look at these phone accessories." He got snotty with her & says we are going home now. We check out. He loads up toilet. I said let me put the seat down for you (i saw him tearing up my car's plastic trim). He said No. Nevaeh suggested Dan's daughter sit in the 2nd row so he could lay the back seat completely down. I said that's a great idea! Dan said no & tried to do it his way. His daughter offered to go sit between her sisters & Dan said no again. He couldn't get it to fit. I agreed with our girls that she needed to move up a seat.  He laid down seat & it slid right in. We had a quiet ride home until Dan kept going off the road, falling asleep. I asked him if he was OK to drive. He said yes. I said we need to get the pool put away cause of snow coming Tues. He gave me more silent treatment & as soon as we got home, he headed for his nap on couch-didnt get toilet out of my car. After I talked about putting pool & filter away on the way home. He heads for his nap. Such an abuser! When I want him to relax, he is busy. When I need him to do something, he naps. 

  I relax & sit in massage chair for 15 min. Then, I go outside & notice that pool is not drained from pulling drains on Sat. As I'm putting yard stuff away for winter, I see garage light swinging from a wire. 90 min into Dan's nap, I let him know about garage light needing fixed & how he said he would fix back door so I could open it. He was snotty & told me he was napping. I said I waited an hr & half before I woke you up. I reminded him that the visiting Missionary Pastor said today that we can't play games with God. I said when are you gonna put me 1st today? I walked away cause he was still rude. 20 min later, (w/Dan laying in living room still napping), I whisper to Nevaeh- wanna go to Starbucks? She says yes. I told her to head out to car. Dan suddenly wakes up & comes out to car wondering where I'm going. I said what's it matter, you're being a jerk! He whined that I rushed him through Walmart & did not hang with him at Menards, & did not sit down with him for a nap.

He texts me whining: that I didn't wanna be 1 with him today(whatever he is accusing me of is usually what he is doing to me). EXTREMELY ABUSIVE!

I text him that I need an apology. He texts sorry & that he fixed door & light. 

Nev & I get home after having a good time. Dan was on couch watching a movie w/his girls ignoring me(punishing me-not sorry at all). 20 min later, I get on couples call. Dan overheard me telling Brian & Charlotte what happened today, his sorry text msg to me, & Dan's silent treatment after I got back home. Dan spoke up & said that I should've told him I was home. Things get heated between us. Brian warns Dan that he will mute us. Dan hangs up the phone. I walk out of bedroom & call back. Dan comes into kitchen to get coffee & goes back to bedroom. They coach, instruct, & pray with me & we hang up. Dan later meets me in bathroom & asks if they validated me. I didnt say 1 word to him!

A few weeks ago: Dan got up to 5 good days in a row. Since then, he has backslidden to 2-3 good days max. He claims that he doesnt wanna pursue me sexually cause i throw it in his face that he abuses me shortly after sex. The porn filter is still on his phone. He sometimes randomly shows me the video he has of us having sex together. We used to have sex 3x/day. We have sex twice a week & he doesn't climax sometimes. He says it can be a side effect of his meds.

Last Tuesday, he accuses me of cheating. Thursday, he tells his daughter at dinner that he has been working with a woman engineer on a project for weeks. He says her husband is an MMA fighter & in the evenings after work, she is a reserve cop. After dinner, I told him I felt his  distance when he didnt value what I had to say since i got home from work & I needed more HSKC. He argued that he gives me enough affection. I asked why working w/a lady engineer was a secret until now? I threw up my hand & left room when he made excuses.

   -Over the past few weeks, he has      taken extra food & snacks to work

    -Been extra distant & abusive

 

Fri morning, he apologizes cause he doesn't wanna have a bad weekend.....it was good until today(Sun).

I wanna have a happy marriage! Im staying close to God. Any advice to guide us along?

 

[JoelandKathy]

A few things.... 

1.  You could check out online if the medications that Dan is taking might affect libido. 

2.  When you are at the stores and Dan was separating from you...  if I did that,  Kathy would say to me something to the effect of, "Hey Joel, you are going off by yourself. Let's hang together, so it is like a date."     You decided to distance yourself. That would fall in the category of a "hint.."    Remember, no hints allowed. 

3.  It would be quite normal for somebody to be sleepy after getting up in the morning for church and going to church and going to a store and buying a toilet and working/being busy all week.   There is a cold front coming in that is of concern for your area on Tuesday, so this would have been great: " Hey Dan, I know you wanna take a nap and that is totally cool. We have that cold front coming in on Tuesday. I don't want to work on the pool anymore than you do but let me know  when you would like to do that together."

4.  You did great going to Starbucks and relaxing and having a nice time. 

5.  When you got back, you said that Dan ignored you. When Dan heard you on the phone, he said that he did not know that you had gotten home.  When you got home and he was watching the TV with the girls, the girl's, that would have been a nice thing to do, to have gone in and said hello or even sit with him for a few minutes. 

6.  Yes there are things that Dan is doing that we can address with him on the call.   If there is something going on with a woman who is married to an MMA fighter  then well, that is just pretty stupid and he will pay the price for that! Lol   For this moment though, he is doing some things right such as tge apologies and fixing the light and door. 

 He of course,

1.  Should have invited you to sit down or lay down with him for a nap if that is what he wanted. 

2.  Should thank you for reminding him to give more HSKC. 

3.  Definitely has some explaining to do that he did not tell you about his new co-worker. 

4.  Should have initiated staying with you more in the stores.  But that is something that You would be more sensitive to so that was definitely a time for you to step up and point that out to him in the stored. 

5.  When you mentioned the pool, instead of saying nothing, he should have suggested that he is getting sleepy and wants to take a nap and should have suggested a good time for the 2 of you to work on that.

6.  He should have not been snotty when he realized you were home and on the phone with Brian and Charlotte.   We are assuming that he honestly did not know that you were home and if that is the case, we do not know why you did not let know that you were home.   If he did know that you were home then he should have paused the movie and gotten up and given you a hug and welcomed you home...  and then finished watching the movie with the girls (of course asking if you and Neveah would like to watch it with them.)   

Catching the 2nd half of a movie might not have been enjoyable but at least he could have asked. It could still have been time together.  We would not expect him to stop watching the movie with his daughters to get on the call unless the 2 of you had agreed that you were going to get on the phone call at a certain time.   It looks like he was simply at home with his daughters and they decided to watch a movie together. 

Hopefully the 2 of you can get the pool taken care of after work today? 

[Bo Peep]

I wake him up this morning cause he didn't hear his alarm(not like him). Give him meds & lay back down on the couch. He complained that I didn't help him get around for work. His lunch was packed. Everything was done except for shaving his face. I was quiet & went to sleep. I feel him kiss me & pray over me. He tells me he loves me & tell him i love him & how he hurt me. He twists it around on me & says he will be busy because RV lines will be running today (insinuating that he will have lots of lady friends to entertain him). An hr later, he calls to make sure I'm awake. Tells me about how his morning is going. He says sorry & made it about how I didn't do this or that. I hung up the phone when he shifted the blame to me. 

When he started blameshifting, I hung up phone. He has texted me: he loves me & asks if I will forgive him &  then how we going to have a good day when only one is trying? It's a new day.

I hear my phone ring 4 times as I'm at work(school bus). It puts me on edge(poss home emergency?). I cant answer. I check it when i get to school. He texts back: hello, I'm calling you. Come on, Melissa, really, no good. He knows what time I go to work. 

[KathyandJoel]

"Dan, I have been at work, driving the bus. You don't need to call me 4 times. If you need something, just send me a text."

[KathyandJoel]

You could turn your phone Ringer off completely when you are driving the bus.  In the last year have there ever been any emergencies at home that absolutely required that you answer the phone while you are driving the bus?   Probably not.   Or if you see that a phone call comes in from the girl's school or the girl's phone while they are at school then perhaps you could answer that as it might be an emergency.   But as far as Dan goes?  Can you remember the last time that he called you because there was an actual  emergency?    So you could leave the Ringer off and take a look at incoming calls when you're at a stop picking some kids up to see if there might have been a phone call from the school or from any of the girls. 

 Or, just assume that there's probably not going to be any emergency that cannot wait until you're done with the bus trip?   That way you could just leave the phone off completely. 

[Bo Peep]

When I bring up the pool this morning. He said that he did get the filter inside & then made it seem like i should've known(manipulation like- it was 2:47...no Melissa it was 2:43).  It was dark last night when i got home & he ignored me. He thought sending an I'm sorry text was good enough & I was supposed to forget all about it. I was glad he finished movie with them. He knew i was home. I turned the light on & spoke to Nevaeh 30ft away from him. I got on couples call after movie was over & he was getting ready for bed

[KathyandJoel]

 OK. Thanks. That gives us something else to talk to him about. On the bright side, he definitely accomplished a lot yesterday. Kudos for that. 

[Bo Peep]

After dealing with Dan's back & forth abuse for 2 days(a real sorry is changed behavior). I chose to have a good day hiking & enjoying God's creation. He was being an insensitive jerk pointing out my(parenting) flaws at church instead of looking at his own flaws. I walked out. Waited on him & then rode home with him. He was busy trying to control me. Saying stay outside when we get home cause he wants to talk to me. I went inside. He followed me to reorder(twist) how I hurt him. I left cause I wasn't gonna put up with his abuse: empty sorries ->being a jerk shortly thereafter->grieving process-> empty sorry& so on & so on. I gotta starve the monster of all attention or he just gets worse. He thinks all he needs to do is acts of service & he should get a pass on everything else abusive that he does. He is so miserable, empty & full of himself instead of full of Christ. It's so hard to deal with this grown boy!

 

 

[KathyandJoel]

Perfect!  Your doing good.  

You did the right thing.  🙂👍❤️

 

 

[Bo Peep]

After 3 days of doing well with staying connected. My daughter had a bad day at school. We don't have internet so she can do her homework. On the phone, he can overhear her tell me about it when I'm on my way home from p/t conferences at her school. She takes Dan's bait. He tells her to give him her phone & she does. Dan disconnected from me. We sort it out when I got home. Nevaeh apologizes. We get ready to leave for some family fun & Dan carries on saying he is driving separate.(i told him that morning that i'm exhausted because i didnt sleep much the night before). I point out to Dan that Nevaeh was settled down using her coping skills. He chose himself & drove separate. I dont argue & leave with Nevaeh. She falls asleep. Dan follows & calls me on the way saying I can't keep up w/you. Him & his daughter were following us in the Jeep. I could see him...he manipulates alot. 

We get to the Fall party & walk around. He follows us around & gives us the cold shoulder. We head to Dairy Queen & they follow us there. I can't eat. When I'm exhausted, I wanna throw up. Dan gets me a kind of pop, that he knows I hate before we leave. Nevaeh & I head home to get her computer. I hit a deer. I get home telling Dan again that I wasn't safe to drive. 

7:30pm, Nevaeh & I leave to go to my parents so she can do her homework. We get home at 9. Dan & our cat are in bed. After couples call, I sleep w/Nevaeh. I wake up this morning & lay out his medicine, not saying a word. He texts me later asking me how I know how much housing costs. (Yesterday, he told me that he pep talks his adopted son who works w/him- telling him that he pays his girlfriend too much to stay at her place & how his son shouldn't make the payments on the truck that he drives. I made a comment on how cheap it was(the amt he pays his gf)- saying Apts are expensive, when Dan told me about the conversation).

Master manipulator. I didnt answer his text about apt. He calls me & asks me why I don't answer his ? I hang up phone. I message him. Telling him I'm not arguing with him today. I let him know we don't need 2 wives in our relationship. He  eventually texted me: saying ok, you're right. I expect a phone call at lunch to say he is sorry. Nothing.

3 hours later after texting me that i was right, he has been blowing up my phone with calls & texts. I ignore him. He thinks I should be waiting around for him to do the right thing. Delayed obedience is disobedience. The Jeckyl/Hyde narc has been rearing his ugly head in Dan for the past 3 weekends. He has to be in control! I get so tired of his abuse!

He knows I'm ignoring him now....When do I reach out to him? Or answer his calls? 

Thanks Joel & Kathy 

 

[JoelandKathy]

Just tell him that you are too tired to talk to him.   Is he apologising via text? 

[Bo Peep]

No he isn't apologizing by text.  At 10am he said ok, youre right (prob sarcastically). After work, he called me 35 times & commanded me to answer by text.

[JoelandKathy]

Just ignore him. Sounds like you're going to have a Friday night fun night without him.

Calling you 35 times is abuse.  

[Bo Peep]

Tonight, he apologized by text. I said I deserve an apology over the phone.....he did this earlier this week. He texted sorry on Sunday & never apologized when I got home in the afternoon. He texted me Monday morning saying that he wanted to have a good day. I texted him back saying that he needed to apologize for being an [edit] all weekend & he called me a half hour later apologizing

[KathyandJoel]

So Bo Peep, 

Yes, try and find a place.  We know that your finances are tight AND we always recommend the husband leaves, not the wife.  Strategic move.....but we know he won't, so you may need to.  He may turn around. 

There are abuse shelters. Not home but a place for you and Nevaeh for the time being.  We've mentioned this before and you were not in favor of this suggestion. 

 

[Bo Peep]

Shelters in our area want me to get a restraining order before we can stay there. The other 1s are full. Things are way tighter financially now than before the Intensive. 

[Bo Peep]

I was washing dishes & Dan was helping. Nevaeh was giggling loudly with Sam(grandson) playing around.  Dan overreacted screaming at Nevaeh. I called him a bully & threw my dish scrubbie at him. He grabbed a plate & slammed it in my dish water, hitting me in the lip. In defense,  I swung my collander at him because I had soap in my eyes. I called Kathy & Joel & they advised me to call the cops & then I did! 

Nevaeh, my 3 grandsons, & I went down to basement to get away from him. He came down to taunt me & asked if I was gonna help him clean up the water mess BECAUSE ALL HE DID WAS SPLASH ME. I ignored him. 

This morning, I was sleepy when Dan said sorry before he left for work.  An hr later, he called to make sure I was up & told me that he was gonna have a shop meeting & that he would share w/me about it after my am bus route. Later, he called & Jeckyl Hyde was back! He wanted to know where we were as a couple. I told him that in order for me to have closure, I needed a face-to-face heartfelt apology from him.(like Kathy said to). He minimized verbally abusing us & assaulting me. Then blamed me for calling the cops. Click! I hung up on him. He is crazy & trying to make me that way! I ignored all calls & texts from him since then. The last thing he texted me was: Really? Whatever, I've been trying all day.

Do I respond at all? If I did what should I say? (He always reorders history so he is the victim.)

 

 

[JoelandKathy]

Just hold firm and wait to see if he apologizes sincerely. 

 

Our guess is that the prosecutor will probably press charges and he will probably end up spending some time in jail.  

You definitely don't want to engage with him until he is humble.  You would think that he would be humble after the police showed up and gave out the domestic disturbance warnings. 

Where are you as a couple?  The question is, "are you Dan going to give up the right to throw a temper tantrum?"  

[Bo Peep]

Dan & his daughter were fixing dinner when I got home. He gave me a blank stare & said nothing when Nevaeh & I left to go have fun. No face-to-face sincere apology from yelling & hitting me/us from the night before. 

Later, when we came home. He was in bed (fully dressed to go to work). He had a smirk on his face. I laid down beside him & went to sleep. I remember waking up to him messing w/my feet(fetish). I said no. He murmered something & I went back to sleep. He woke up 10 min before he had to leave & rushed to work. He turned off his porn filter when the cops came the other night. I'm in a deep depression & can't stop crying. How do I enjoy my time w/my daughter & stop grieving? If he tries to reach out, do I mention turning on the porn filter?

[JoelandKathy]

How do you know he turned off the porn filter? 

Ignore him. 

Call the prosecutor and ask what they are going to do. 

I don't think hes stupid but just in case, you could send him a text message that simply says:

" You have not apologized face-to-face, the last I knew you turned your porn filter off, you have not reached out to Joel and Kathy for help, the prosecutor might still press charges which might get you time in jail. 

I think that you should start a process of change by apologizing to me face-to-face and turning your porn filter back on."

I don't see a reason to call the feet thing a fetish. The timing is wrong because he had not apologized to you but you don't want to take something that can be nice and put it in a negative light.

[Bo Peep]

I send this text to Dan: 

You have not given me a sincere face-to-face sorry. The last I knew you turned your porn filter off.  You have not reached out to Joel and Kathy for help. The prosecutor might still press charges which might get you time in jail. 

I think that you should start a process of change by apologizing to me face-to-face and turning your porn filter back on.

Dan's text response:

I did apologize the next morning(while Melissa was sleepy) & looked you in the eyes and said sorry & I prayed with you. Joel & Kathy will just tell me the same old thing that they always say grow up! It is all Dan's fault!

I don't see all your texts all day what you say to who.. who you call... it is all fine for me to have to do it but I have to trust you... you don't trust me? I don't want you controlling me. Reading my text whenever you want & jumping to conclusions without knowing what is really going in on.

(I held Dan accountable the other day. I saw on his porn filter when Audrey asked him if she could take her friend to town & Dan said yes. We already talked about this & Dan didn't wanna tell me where Audrey was. In Indiana, she could lose her license driving with friends until her probationary period was over).

I have not done the things I used to do in the past & I am not going to pick them back up. Life is better for me where I am at right now not drinking and not looking at porn..I don't want to mess that up... God knows. You said nothing about what you need to do, Melissa. I said nothing I can recall about what you need to do. We tried talking on the phone & you hung up on me what 2 times... that is not a marriage..no laughter, nothing but my faults. 

God loves me ...just the way I am... I know I need to really improve in a lot of areas in my life. Free will..God knows I am trying and he knows my heart and soul... most wives can see it and know this about their husband as well. 

Whenever Dan & I have a conversation. He blames Nevaeh for everything. He is overbearing & cruel to her. Only his daughters are allowed to giggle & have joy. He complains that we never have fun & fight all the time. You're right, Dan! God doesn't want us to fight. HE wants us to get naked & have fun. Initiate good(like Jesus...laying HIS life down 1st) so I can give good back. 

What do I do? I can feel him slipping back into addiction...porn, liquor, etc?