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He said that he actually apologized to you, look you in the eyes and prayed with you in the morning before work.  

Is that was an in person apology.

It doesn't mean that you feel better right away and it doesn't mean that he is changing but it does mean that he at least apologized

Instead of saying he didn't apologize you might say something like that you appreciate that he apologized in the morning but that you were so sleepy that you would appreciate him apologizing again when he gets home because you're just not feeling better. 

On these other things like his phone and the porn filter..  There's nothing we can do except deal with it on a phone call if he is on a phone call. We just can't have the 2 of you arguing at each other on the phone calls.  That has been a problem in the past where instead of the 2 of you on the call to get help, the 2 of you would end up just arguing with each other. That is something that you can do on your own. You don't need to do that on the phone call. 

Even your text messages sound like you telling him that he is doing things and him saying that he is not doing them. There is not much value to you in that. 

How about you take his phone to the Geek Squad at Best Buy or something and have them look at it and find out if the p*** filter is turned off and if hes been going to p*** sites. 

That way it is not just you telling him that he has taken his p*** filter off and him ignoring you or claiming that he has it on.  

If they confirm that he has it turned off then you really just want to go ahead and just get a divorce going and get it done and over with. 

My guess is that he might not actually have turned it off.  But only he knows. 

Just find out for sure. Take his phone in and get it checked out.

Have you called the prosecutor's office had to find out if they're going to proceed?  If he was to go to jail I do not think he can take his phone with couple days to have lots of time to get it thoroughly checked.   

 

 

 

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Dan's text to me after I hung up on him for screaming at me: I tried to compromise with you today, but you hung up. I'm not gonna turn my porn filter back on because you can see where I go on the internet. Im not gonna live like that. I can't be private when I text Audrey and Dannysue if I want to keep something secret from you, Melissa. Love is trust & you don't trust me.

My response: Love is transparency because you have been unfaithful to me. I deserve loyalty. I'm not your enemy. You punish me for asking you to be Christlike. I'm their mom too & I care about them too!

He is so abusive!

Edited by Bo Peep
I needed to add something
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Dan has divorced in his heart. ( If he said exactly what you said that he said.)

At this point I would stop trying to get him to apologize, stop trying to get him to turn his p*** filter on and just move toward divorce. 

It is time to start proceeding toward making the divorce a legal divorce. Dan has divorced, it is just not finalized illegally. 

You do not have to move out of the house. Just ignore him as if he does not exist.  No arguing. No fighting. Just do what needs to be done to slow but sure get the divorce done legally and get you and Neveah established on your own. 

You can write up what you would like to get in the divorce and see if he will agree with it easily.  

Don't sell yourself short. You deserve to walk out of the marriage with finances so that you can get yourself and Neveah established. 

You did not answer if you have called the prosecutor to see if they are proceeding forward with prosecuting Dan. 

That would get him out of your hair for a little bit. 

He gets up so early for work that you could actually sleep before he goes to bed or sleep after he leaves for work.  

You could try kicking him out of bed and he sleeps on the couch but he might not cooperate with that. 

 

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Dan doesnt wanna be transparent with me. I havent had to accuse Dan because the porn filter will let him go where he wants to on the web. It just sends me a red alert when he is on a porn site. Dan told me today himself that he turned his porn filter off. He said he turned it off when I called the cops the other night for hitting me. 

I called Prosecutor today & left a voicemail. 

We are in over our heads in debt since coming to the Intensive so I don't know how much I will walk away with in the divorce.

I'm sick of the manipulation & abuse & ready to be free!

 

Thanks so much, Joel & Kathy!

 

Edited by Bo Peep
I needed to add something
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2 hours ago, JoelandKathy said:

I wish he would commit too! Yes, he apologized before work but 3 hours later wondered where we were at as a couple. He went on & on about me calling the cops & wouldn't take responsibility for bullying my daughter. So how is that sorry?

 

 

 

 

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21 hours ago, JoelandKathy said:

 

I have an update & need some advice: prosecutor hasn't gotten report yet. In Indiana, a state board looks into the case & recommends to prosecute or not to our prosecuting atty. Bowen(mental health Dr) called & they are taking him off of his amphetamine(aggression & mood swings)& he is gonna be mad at me because I dispense it to him. I feel like I should text Dan about it & if he has any complaints or questions, have him call the Bowen nurse line & make them the bad guys & not me? Whatcha think?

 

 

 

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On 12/15/2022 at 2:45 PM, JoelandKathy said:

 

I have an update & need some advice: prosecutor hasn't gotten report yet. In Indiana, a state board looks into the case & recommends to prosecute or not to our prosecuting atty. Bowen(mental health Dr) called & they are taking him off of his amphetamine(aggression & mood swings)& he is gonna be mad at me because I dispense it to him. I feel like I should text Dan about it & if he has any complaints or questions, have him call the Bowen nurse line & make them the bad guys & not me? Whatcha think?

 

 

 

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Dan has given me the silent treatment since (Sat)yesterday until just a little bit ago. He said come here. I walk into the bedroom & he said should we go after the 1st of the year to file for divorce because we can't keep going on like this. I walked away with blank look on my face. 10 min later, he said come here. I didnt move. A while later, he said it could be so much better if we'd just compromise. I said nothing.  He kissed my lips. I turned away. Do I turn away when he tries to kiss me?

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Yes, for this moment, maybe send him a text message.    

Dan, perhaps I have not been clear. I will not continue to live this way with you. If you want to have access to me, then you need to call Joel and get direction from him and this time, stick to it. If not, we have nothing to talk about. I will not keep livng in this topsy turvy, Jekyll Hyde world of being abused with threats, anger, porn, secrecy and everything else that you seem to want to have in a marriage relationship.

Of course, sending him this text message is your choice. You either end up divorced or end up with him repenting. 

 

 

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Dan called Joel. Joel returned Dan's call. Dan minimized himself to Joel about abusing me & made it about how I talk about his coworkers(I haven't in months). He spun it around & made it about how I know everything about him & he doesn't know what I'm doing all day. I haven't violated him by porn, lying, cheating, secrets, etc...like he has done to me. For instance: He doesn't tell me when his daughter stays home(sick) from school(school called me & wondered where she was at & i didn't know). He keeps secrets about his daughter driving illegally w/a friend. He manipulates & says that I don't communicate with him. Which is a lie! I told him on Mon that my daughter was home from school sick. 

During the call, Joel tells Dan, "Your wife wants you to have a smart phone & that if Joel had his way, he would want Dan to get a dumb phone(no internet)." Dan threw down & said, "I will get a divorce 1st!" Joel said, "Melissa, did you hear that? He would rather keep his phone than be married to you. Divorce him, Melissa!" Dan hangs up. He said, "They don't live here, Melissa. We do." I said, "You gotta lay down your life for me, Dan! Didn't you hear Joel say that your wife wants you to keep your smart phone & as long as the porn filter is turned back on?" He said, "No, I didn't hear that. Dan texted Joel back saying: I'm turning the filter back on. I didn't hear what you said about my wife not wanting me to get a dumb phone. I am sorry I will be transparent.

Dan gave me the phone & I turned the filter back on. He has been sulking since then. I'm overlooking it right now. Him & his daughter left & took cookies to his parents-who hate me(they lent Dan $ to file for divorce against me last May). Before he left, I reminded him that I needed a kiss (he was all lovey dovey when I wouldn't give him the time of day earlier). He kissed me & left. 

Question: if he is pouting after he gets home, should I remind him that I won't feel like having fun later since he is still in a bad mood?

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Weeks ago, Dan spent days looking for a heated jacket that he wanted to buy for me. I never wanted that. It was the gift he wanted for himself. I bought the jacket for him & he told me to cancel it so I canceled it. 

He decided tonight that he was gonna go Xmas shopping for me. He never asked me what I wanted. Usually, he asks what I want & then he fills in with a few surprises. He called home & I was quiet on the phone & he asked if I was mad. I said no & I explained to him that I was stressed. He got home & slung all my presents out on the bed, punishing me for letting him know that I was scared of opening the gifts on Xmas morning & having him punish me for not having a happy reaction to everything he gave me(like he is doing now). He wouldn't listen to my heart. I'm quiet now. He had to break the bond tonight. He won't let me teach him how to be a Christlike husband.

 

Thanks so much!

Edited by Bo Peep
I meant something else
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Dan dated himself^^^ tonight. The pizza, that Dan offered to bring home, was ready to pick up at 5:30 & he brought it home around 8pm. We were starved!

After slinging what he bought me on the bed, he made sure to tell me how nice he was to buy me presents or else I wouldn't have anything to open under the Xmas tree.

He walks away & uses the excuse that he needed to sit down with his daughters(choosing himself). --Dan decided to be gone for almost 5 hours after work. 

**He said that I(Melissa)can take all my presents back. He bought clothes (I need to try my clothes on before buying them).

Edited by Bo Peep
Nothing...I couldn't share it
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Dan listened for a half hour on the call last night & then put on his headphones. He was a jerk this morning before work. He called around 8 this morning, said he was sorry & cried about how he thought he was doing something good. I told him that I wanted to be considered. I like a few surprises but not everything to be a surprise. I told him that I wanted a date, days & weeks ago. He said that he wants to go with me to return that stuff today. I said idk if I want to get out & wait in lines in this snow storm. *** I did see on a receipt that he spent $125 on a piece of jewelry but he never gave that to me...weird?

I'd rather take the stuff back, that didn't fit, on my own time. The more I think about it: a date is supposed to be fun & that wouldn't be any fun w/long lines & a snowstorm....but it could help him fix it.  We got presents to wrap for the kids!

What should we do? Return stuff today together with him explaining about why he bought me this & that & making it about him. Should I ask him about the jewelry?

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Just assume that the jewelry is for you for Christmas.  Or for the girls.  Assume the best until proven otherwise.    

He is definitely having fun jekyll and hyding you.   If you want to go along with him when hes doing the good things and enjoy the benefit of that but then walk away from him when Mr. Hyde comes out, then go ahead and do that.  

His getting off of the call last night and listening to whatever he was listening to on his headphones would be enough for us to recommend that you just simply have nothing to do with him.  

 

But we know that the 2 of you just keep going around and around this mountain.   

 

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Dan is all over the place! After 4 yrs of being together, Dan wants a $4,000 wood insert for the fireplace & now wants to cut wood. Two of the past 3 nights, he loads wood into the fireplace in the middle of the night, lays on the couch, watches a movie via streaming app on our living room TV w/sex scenes in it(the cover of movie has a girl in panties)- I caught him on the 2nd night, not the 1st. He admitted to it & i told him how i didnt wanna be married to a porn addict. He said sorry & I told him that he has needs to guard his thoughts & not lead himself into temptation by laying on the couch & not coming back to bed in the middle of night. Last night, idk if he did cause I slept hard.

   This morning, out of the blue, Dan says instead of putting heat in the back shop, they are gonna work on his bro-in-law's furnace w/ Dan's alcoholic coworker(which is nice of Dan). Bro-in-law has been using alternative heat methods for 5 years since furnace quit: like elec heaters, fire place, etc. (Orig plan was for coworker to hook up Dan's heat in our back shop so Dan could run heat while he worked on cars & Dan would weld things for him as a barter. DAN HAS TALKED ABOUT IT FOR WEEKS- in fact just last night). 

  After hearing that he was gonna switch it to working on bro- in- law's furnace, I ask Dan what his plans were. He bit my head off for asking what he was doing because he promises that he is gonna do this or that & then gets distracted. He demands that I apologize to him for responding to him being unChristlike to me. I say nope & walk away. Dan tells me to pray about it. I tell him to go dump on God & if God tells me to apologize, I will. He was still being a jerk & told me that I need to take Rudy(my 19 year old dog)with me or he'll leave her outside in the freezing cold. I try to get Rudy in the car so we can go to my mom's. She won't w/out trying to bite me. I go down the road with her following me. He texts me & says if you drive back, I will let her in the house. He calls & calls me as I'm talking to my mom. I see Dan out on road. I back up. There's cars coming. Cars stop & help Dan get Rudy. Dan takes Rudy inside. I leave & call my vet to make an appt to put my dog down because she doesn't deserve the abuse(like me & my daughter don't). Tomorrow, is the appt.

  Dan texts me after I leave," Wow! No thank you to me...you just leave?" I ignore him & head toward my mom's. 

  Yesterday, we did all what he wanted to do: look & price inserts & I didn't put Xmas stuff away, like I wanted to, but we had fun! He has to break the bond after 2 days. Nevaeh is at her dad's so he can't pick on her. He gets irritable w/his daughters giggling while he is watching TV last night. After we have sex, he wants to blow his nose to avoid bonding with me during oxy rush. 

Both Dan & I have off the same time during  xmas shut down from work. Dan promised he was gonna do side jobs to make money because he isn't getting paid. He wants to do this & that & doesn't follow through & now he wants to cut wood & he can do that in his off time. To me, he is just making  a new excuse why he doesn't earn extra on the side to provide for us, like he promised. HE IS ALL OVER THE PLACE & DOESNT WANT TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE

After ignoring Dan & leaving to enjoy my mom & dad, what's my next course of action?

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**Dan has been cycling with hypersexuality & manic episodes & now he is depressed & taking it out on me- possibly undiagnosed bipolar disorder. We both took the bipolar test but i heard him lie on some questions. His sister-w/bad furnace(who Dan does CBD edibles with) has bipolar disorder. Schizophrenia runs in their family too. Dan refuses to take his anxiety meds so his moods don't fluctuate as much.

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In reality, it is good that you can share some things and have an outlet here to express your frustration. 

 

 If these things are accurately being describe then it is crazy land that you continue in the marriage.  

We really don't have any advice except to ignore him when he is being an a** and go with it m/enjoy it when hes treating you nice. 

The only way to get a hard stop to this is to divorce him but in the meantime, Just protect yourself by walking away when he is acting badly and enjoy the peace when hes acting good. 

 

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Wed night, Dan almost drives into the ditch on my side of the car & scared me. I ask him to drive like he cares about me. He said sorry. Then later, i remind him that he needs to get ahold of his employer because they are the ones that are holding up his unemployment(Xmas shutdown). He argues with me about it. I start feeling sick & go to bed. He bothers me all night long in bed wanting sex from me. I say no & that i need my rest. He gets up & goes to work. Later, he says sorry & we go about our day. We listen to your couples call after going to bed also on Thursday. Last night(Fri), Dan stays up late to watch for lottery numbers & messages the coke head, alcoholic guy from his work to see if he won anything on the lotto. Dan is really obsessed with that guy! I don't think he slept well because Dan was up all night loading wood into fireplace & tinkering around the house. We both eventually fell asleep on couch. This morning, he initiated reading the Bible (Luke 11) & Ken Nair book(we never got to it). He punished me for explaining Bible truths to him about letting demons back in if he goes back to addictions. I let him know that it was unChristlike not to let me talk. He said sorry & continued to punish me. My daughter & I leave to go to store. I get a notification about Dan taking his porn filter off his phone. I text him & ask about it, he says that we will get our taxes back & get a divorce. Nevaeh & I come back later. Dan is out in shop working on the cars(that he promised to have done 3 weeks ago). I let him know that I assume he is into porn if he takes it off his phone. Then, he repeatedly smacks his own head on the tire of the car that he was was working on. (He is very unstable mentally today). I said why are you ramming your head into the tire? He said you can put the porn filter back on my phone. (I couldn't cause i have no reception out there to put porn filter back on his phone in the shop.) He then wants to leave right away before i can put it on his phone. Dan says that he needs to take car back to a guy from AA so he can get paid & that he was taking Audrey(his daughter) out to dinner. Last night, he told me that he was gonna take me on a date tonight....nothing about dinner w/Audrey. He then says I will tell Audrey that I will take her after church tomorrow instead. I follow Dan to drop car off so he can get paid. I pick him up & head toward bank. He asks what are you doing? I said heading toward bank to deposit money so we can pay our bills(with his side jobs). 

Dan said take me home because I'm taking Audrey to dinner(he told me right before we left that he was taking me out). I said I wouldn't have followed you over there to pick you up if I knew you lied to me. I shut up & drove home.

As he is at dinner now w/Audrey, he texts me: You erased all your texts that you sent me? And my private provocative pics of you, Melissa? I don't answer him.

Question: I don't talk or text him at all because he took his porn filter off his phone, threatened me with divorce, lied, & punished me for telling him the truth(bible), right? If & when do I talk to him?

Thanks,

Melissa

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