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Hello,

 

This my first post, and unfortunately its not a happy one. :cry: I am asking for prayer for my husband and me. A week ago today, he confessed to me that he has been unfaithful in our marriage not once or twice, but several times over the past 3 and a half years, and we have been married 5 years. I have suspected him of this for over a year, but he revealed that its been going on longer than that. He has had several one-night stands apparently, although he will not tell me the exact #.

 

I am very hurt, angry, confused, frustrated and don't know how to get these emotions out. We dont have any kids, and after finding this out, I cannot help but think that God was withholding them because of this dark secret my husband has been carrying around. I don't know what I am going to do at this point. I do want my marriage to be saved, but I feel that he needs to prove himself before our marriage can be fully restored. Unfortunately he had to leave the country in the middle of all of this, and thnigs are left in the air right now.

 

Please pray for us. I dont really want to reveal our real names, but you can call him ND and call me Lee.

 

Thanks in advance.

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Hi Lee,

 

It's okay to not reveal your real names. Know that you and your husband are being prayed for. I know the pain that you are experiencing. I"ve been there, and it is horrible.

 

Welcome to the Forum. We would love to help both of you. The first thing that you need to do is to start reading - book one, then book two, and keep reading on the Forum.

 

Does your husband want the Marriage ?? If so, then we need to get the two of you to an Intensive.

 

Your Marriage CAN be saved, and you both can be happier than ever before. We will walk through this with you.

 

Hang in there,

Kay

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Hi Kay,

 

Thanks for responding to my request for prayer. I'm still in an odd, stranger place and don't know how I feel now, or how to articulate it. I'm not at the point where I can say "I forgive you". Scenes from the past 5 years of our marriage, especially the last 3 and a half, since he started this pattern of infidelity, keep playing in my mind. I still cannot understand how he allowed himself to do this over and over, uncontrolled, giving himself to whatever he desired and come home to me as if nothing happened. I also have a hard time with the fact that I gave him several chances to come clean because I suspected what he was doing, but he didn't own up to it and instead continued to lie, and continued cheating.

 

I have read the book, but I will read it again. The funny thing is I tried to get him to read it when I ordered it last year in the summer, long before I found out the truth, and he acted interested, I read two chapters to him, but nothing happened after that.

 

My husband has said that he does want the marriage, and he doesn't want to lose me. I told him we need counseling and need to go to an intensive, but he is currently out of the country. My hope is that when he returns we will go to one, although by the looks of the schedule, Joel and Kathy may not be doing anymore for the remainder of the year. (Do you know if that is true or not?). I will order book 2 and read it and find someway to get copies of them to him as well. Maybe I will have to purchase the mp3s and email them to him.

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Hey Lee,

I'll bet you are confused! Good grief. You have had a lot hit you at once. You already suspected-which is a miserable time. To hear the truth and how bad it really is, is another story all together. It is having your worst suspicians confirmed, and maybe even over the top of that. Like having an atom bomb blow up in your heart? You are in pain, you are grieving, you are trying to reconcile what you felt, with what you now know. Major blow to your self esteem, and your trusting yourself for being able to choose a life partner? You are trying to figure out what to do now. It will mull over and over in your mind. Do you have a good church? Good friends, and good family close for support? I hope you have gotten from the books, how much this whole thing is not your fault. It is his poor character, and arrested developement.

Your husband thought it was a good idea, but as long as you weren't holding him to the wall and saying, 'look I am not going to live like this, either get with the program or get out', he doesn't believe you are going to do anything. He will say anything to have his cake and eat it too. What made him finally decide to confess? I am kind of shocked he would.

It might help you to read some of the other threads, both in this section and the other sections. You are going to have to be the one to decide if you want to hold out and try with this program or not. There is a wealth of information here and in the books to help you make that decision. And then if you do, he is going to have to decide if he really wants to save your marriage and die to himself.

You may have to file for divorce, to make him hit bottom bad enough to want to try to save the marriage.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it is excruitiatingly painful. We are here for you.

In His Love,

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Now that he is open to change, this is the time to draw the lines for change. Have him read the books and schedule an intensive. If he doesn't, he's out the door. Last time he read, he wouldn't keep reading or change becasue he didn't need to. Now you can help him more clearly see the need. Indeed the onus is on HIM to change his walk and to reassure you of this new walk.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My prayers are with you.................big time. This is a very difficult time for you as so many of us here on the forum know.

 

I cried and cried and cried out some more. "Why wasn't I enough???????"

 

How could he do that and play church. Deceive everyone in our church. (We had an in house ministry. ) How could he deceive his family, our children. Everyone thought we had a story book marriage. Includimg me. I mourned so for my marriage.............but what marriage??......the one he pretended we had while he did what ever he wanted behind my back. Then never be a minute late getting home from work and act like nothing happened that day and many others while he combed the streets.

 

That was then..........but now things are headed to that OHM.

 

 

Do try to get to an intensive as soon as he returns........keep posting on the forum for love, prayers, and hugs from your sisters here. We have been there and we will help you thru this time.

 

Love and prayers,

Livia

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Hi there.

 

Just want to let you know that you are certainly not alone, and you are being prayed for.

 

Just as Livia and Jan describe, the pain to a wife's heart who has been betrayed to this level, especially if the husband has been outright abusive throughout the adultery betrayal time, is more than anyone who has never been betrayed can imagine. Kind of like describing child birth to a man, or parenthood to a non-parent.....they just won't get it, unfortunately. It is just devastating.

 

Just like you, now that I know about my husband's very long standing adultery, so many specific abuse events over the past several years make perfect sense. In y case, my adulterous husbands WANTED me to react to their unlove so that he, in his mind, can justify their sinful behavior.

 

Do you have children? Are you financially independent at all?

 

Blessings,

Abigail

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  • 2 months later...

Hello again,

 

I know its been two months since the last reply, but I hope its OK for me to most here and continue the conversation.

 

Its been almost three months, and I'm still very much in a hurting place and I don't know how to get out of it. I feel like my heart has been shattered into a million little pieces. I'm still angry with him because to me he isn't acting in a manner that is reassuring or says that he is sold out and committed to restoring our relationship. I thought I knew what I wanted to say before I started this post, but I'm running out of words. I don't know how to verbally express what I am feeling. I am scared, I know I need to talk to the Lord, but I don't know how to get it out. I don't want this pain to drive a wedge between me and the Lord, but it feels like its starting to. I need some outlet to get this pain out. HELP! :cry: :cry:

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Of course it's ok for you to post here - whenever you want or need to!

Remember that God didn't cause this pain - your clueless, selfish husband did.

Try to imagine yourself climbing up in God's lap, telling him everything on your heart and crying your eyes out until it's all out.

Your husband isn't healing your heart but that's his responsibility to do whatever it takes to make up for what he's done.

Is he reading the books, on the forum? Is he working this program?

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