Self Gratification and "Maintaining Sexual Integrity"

[Celia]

"Joel and Kathy recommend that a wife be her husband's accountability partner. Please note this when reading the portion of the article that recommends that a man have a "group" or a male accountability partner. If a man is not with his wife, then yes a group or a male accountability partner is the only option." Blessings, Joel

 

 

Myyyyy Preciousssss...

 

The soul warping effects of masturbation... and how to live without it.

 

By Mike GenungNote: this is written from a man's perspective, and I know that women struggle with masturbation as well. The principles shown here apply either way. One of the most fascinating characters in the Lord of the Rings movies is Gollum. Like Frodo, Gollum is a hobbit whose original name was Sm�ol. Hobbits are stout people with elf-like faces who stand half the height of men; they enjoy good company with hearty beer in the local pubs, as did Sm�ol� until he saw "the one ring to rule

 

them all.�

 

In his book �The Two Towers,� Tolkien describes the origin of the ring: �And much of the strength and will of Sauron passed into that One Ring; for the power of the Elven Rings was very great, and that which should govern them must be a thing of surpassing potency; and Sauron forged it in the Mountain of Fire in the Land of Shadow. And while he wore the One Ring he could perceive all the things that were done by means of the lesser rings, and he could see and govern the very thoughts of those that wore them.� Sauron was the evil dark lord who sought to rule all of middle earth, and it was the One Ring that changed Smeagol's life.

 

When �The Return of the King� opens we see Sm�ol as a young adult, river fishing in a boat with his cousin Deagol. A big fish hits Deagol's line and pulls him into the river; he spots the shimmering gold ring at the bottom of the riverbed, grabs it, and quickly surfaces. Sm�ol sees the ring in Deagol's hand, is immediately entranced by it, and asks his cousin to give him the ring �for his birthday present�. But when Deagol refuses, the two friends fight over it, and Sm�ol strangles his cousin to death.

 

Obsessed with the ring, Smeagol leaves everything he knows and retreats alone to the Misty Mountains. His new home is now a dark, cold, damp cave, quite a departure from the warm cottage normal Hobbits live in. But none of this matters now; the ring is Sm�ol�s comfort and friend, his most precious possession.

 

Blinded by obsession, Sm�ol couldn't see how the ring was changing him. In his isolation he turns "outside in" and his personality splits in half; in the movie we see Smeagol talking and fighting with himself as often as he does with Frodo and Sam. He gives up beer, a thing unheard of for a hobbit, and lives on raw fish. He shrivels up physically, losing most of his teeth and all but a few strands of his hair. His voice becomes a raspy hiss and he rarely smiles, except when caressing his "precious.� The warped half of Smeagol's personality overtakes him, and he becomes Gollum, a name earned from the hard swallowing noises he makes.

 

Like Gollum, today there are many who obsess about a different kind of precious. They discover masturbation in their youth, and it's something they must have so they retreat often to isolation to be alone with the precious. They don't see what it's doing to them until later when they sense there's something wrong...In his 1994 book �The Sexual Man�, Dr. Archibald Hart surveyed some 600 Christian men on the subject of masturbation. Of the married men who responded, 61% said they masturbated, with 82% saying they did it once a week. 96% of single men under the age of 20 admitted to a masturbation habit.

 

Since so many Christian men are having sex with themselves you�d think they liked doing it, but in Dr. Hart's survey only 23% gave "enjoyment" as a reason for doing it. The rest said �from habit,� �because of their sex drive,� �they were addicted to it,� or from �lack of an outlet for sex� as the reason they engaged in masturbation.

 

In a weird twist, only 13% said they thought masturbation was a normal act, yet 97% said they didn't feel guilty about it. (Gollum's split personality comes to mind here.) How could this be? From experience I know my conscience is seared when I do something repeatedly that I don�t feel good about. Could it be there are many men who would rather do without self-sex but don�t know how to stop?

 

Yet, if so many normal Christian men are having sex with themselves is it really hurting anything? Is masturbation just a harmless act of physical release?

 

As we know from cigarette smoking and overeating, to know whether something is harmful we must look at how it affects the user and those around him.. Of course, for spiritual guidance we always look to God's word. In this chapter we'll do both, beginning with the effects of masturbation. From my teenage years until I was 36, self sex was a part of my life (I got married at age 26). Like the others who responded to Dr. Hart's survey I don't think I could have said enjoyment was why I did it; the emotional hangover lasts much longer than the pleasure, sometimes for days. When the act was over there was always a strong sense that something was missing.

 

Sex is about connection and communication, spirit-to-spirit communion with the person we love. When I masturbated there was no other person, so an emotional misfire took place. Instead of bonding with another in warmth, intimacy and love, I was haunted by loneliness, isolation and shame.

 

There isn't anything about masturbation that fits. When I tried to disconnect the spiritual from the physical, telling myself I needed masturbation just for physical release, I still felt empty afterwards. The spiritual component of sex can't be separated from the physical.

 

Masturbation messed up my marriage bed. I didn�t struggle with premature ejaculation, but I could have pleased my wife a lot longer than I did (today after not having masturbated since 1998 it's different). It's no accident when sex between husband and wife is a short story; it's what the husband trains himself to do when he masturbates.

 

The man who masturbates robs his wife of himself. She wants emotional and physical intimacy, not just a rush to the finish line. She wants to know him, and for him to hold her, commune with her and cherish her, not use her like a plaything. She wants to enjoy his company, like two best friends having a good meal.

 

Masturbation stunted my emotional growth. Opening up with my wife on a deeper level got harder as time went on, to the point where it felt like I was running from her at times. I'd spent so much time in isolation that I felt trapped inside; yet I was the one holding myself hostage.

 

Like Gollum, I was blind to what my precious was doing to me. I was self and sex obsessed, driven by urges. If I couldn't have my precious I got angry, anxious or depressed. Sex was my god, comfort and love; the source of life.

 

I think the worst part was the separation from the Lord I experienced when I made a few seconds of pleasure my source of life and acceptance. I knew Jesus had living water that could fill my soul, but I �drank from myself� instead (sounds a little sick doesn�t it?) I grieved the Lord with my choice to make self sex my comfort.

 

Of course, the other obvious problem with masturbation is that many men use it with pornography, and/or they run sexual fantasies in their mind during the act. From Jesus� words in Matthew 5:28 we know this is sin, mixing self-sex with lust.

 

Let�s turn our attention to God�s word now and see what He might say about masturbation. What I hear the most from other Christians about masturbation is it's ok �because it�s not in the Bible.� But, if �thou shalt not� is the standard for whether something is sin or not then we can light up a joint because there is no �thou shalt not smoke pot� in the Bible.

 

�Hey wait a minute!� you say. �It�s obvious smoking marijuana is a sin because of the verses in the Bible prohibiting drunkenness, and smoking pot clearly violates this principle in God�s word!�

 

I agree; we need to look at the principles in God�s word as well as the Thou Shalt Nots. Let�s examine a few of those principles.Principle #1: The only time when sex is sanctioned in God's word is in the context of a marriage between one man and one woman. In Genesis 2 we read �For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh�. Note the �two becoming one� emphasis - that connection-communion thing again. In Hebrews 13:4 we read:

 

Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be

 

undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.Here again, the marriage bed is the sole context given for God sanctioned sex.

 

Now, carefully read this verse:Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am (single). However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

 

1 Corinthians 7:7-9 If masturbation was a viable outlet for expressing sexual burning, wouldn�t God have had Paul write something like this: "But if they do not have self-control, let them masturbate or marry; for it is better to have sex with self or marry than to burn with passion?" Masturbation is never mentioned as a legitimate means for fulfilling sexual desire in God's word; marriage is the only outlet given. Or, put another way, masturbation isn't in the Bible. The one man/one woman connection is developed again in the following verses: Food is for the stomach and the stomach is for food, but God will do away with both of them. Yet the body is not for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord is for the body. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? May it never be! Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, "The two shall become one flesh." But the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him. Flee sexual immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral man sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.1 Corinthians 6:13,15-20 Note how �the body� is for the Lord,� �your bodies are member of Christ,� �But the one who join himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him,� and �your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit,� are weaved in with the prohibitions against immoral sex, highlighting the importance of spirit to spirit communion. As God's children we are one spirit with Him and He lives in the temple of our bodies. We'll come back to this.

 

Principle #2: Masturbation is never offered as a way to deal with depression or find comfort. When Elijah fell into depression after Jezebel vowed to kill him we don�t read �and Elijah the prophet of the Lord masturbated to comfort himself.� Sex with self isn�t our comfort, instead - Principle #3: We are to receive our comfort from Christ�Who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

 

2 Corinthians 1:4 Principle #4: We are to be the master of our bodies and their accompanying urges; we don't allow our flesh to rule over us.But I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified.

 

I Corinthians 9:27Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly lusts

 

which wage war against the soul.

 

1 Peter 2:11All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything.

 

1 Corinthians 6:12"For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion like the Gentiles who do not know God�

 

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 We are to �discipline our bodies and make them our slaves,� �know how to posses our bodies in sanctification and honor,� and we�re not to be �mastered by anything.� We are to control our fleshly impulses, not be led by them. We are to be men with strong hearts; men of courage who can stand firm in the storms and temptations of life. If we can't say no to pleasure, it reveals a soft, vulnerable spot in our character, which the forces of darkness will exploit until we deal with it.

 

Our culture bombards us with messages like, �if it feels good, do it now,� and, �you deserve a break today.� If you�re sexually aroused, hey just feed the impulse, it won�t hurt anything. Go ahead� have sex with yourself or anyone you want. God�s way and our culture�s message are at war with each other. The world tells us to obey our urges while God tells us to master and control them. It�s Instant Gratification vs. Self Discipline; a passive man weakened from pleasure vs. a strong man of character who can say no; �It�s all about me� vs. �I will have sex with no one but my wife;� Softheart vs. Braveheart.

 

Let�s stack up the scales for and against masturbation and see which one holds the most weight:

 

The bad and the ugly: The good:

 

No connection with another It feels good for a few seconds

 

Loneliness Can have orgasm on demand

 

Shame Can do it alone

 

Robs wife emotionally and physically Don�t need to please your wife

 

Places wedge between God and self No more lack of sex outlet problem

 

Promotes instant gratification mentality Won�t lose hair and teeth like Gollum

 

Promotes �It�s all about me� Can feed sex obsession

 

Violates marriage alone principle

 

Violates comfort from Christ principle

 

Violates mastery of flesh principle

 

Softens the character

 

 

Is used as a counterfeit substitute for loveThe scale�s a little heavy on the left, don�t you think? Maybe you�re reading this and thinking, �OK, I want live without masturbation, but how do I stop? I�ve tried before and the urges always overwhelm me.�

 

1. First, let�s be honest: this won�t be easy, especially if masturbation is an ingrained habit. Dealing with our sexuality doesn�t mean we deny it, stuff it, or put on a phony Good Christian Who Never Gets Horny act. We do have these desires, and it�s not always easy to say no.

 

2. When sexual desire hits, remember that sex is about connection with another; you are one spirit with the Lord and He dwells in your temple, and He waits for you to come to Him. Instead of misfiring with masturbation, boldly approach Abba at the Throne of Grace for His strength and comfort (Hebrews 4:16). Look at His face and expose the struggle in your flesh to Him. Drink deeply of His Living water and soak in His presence.

 

3. The first few months are always the toughest and there will be times when you need help to make it. (You are involved with a group or have at least one accountability partner by now, right?) When you're overwhelmed, get on the phone with a brother as quickly as possible and ask him to pray with you. I�ve been the recipient of many phone calls like this, and the temptations are always cut down to size after we pray together.

 

4. Be aware of situations going on behind the scenes that add to the battle, such as an inordinate amount of stress, unconfessed sin, or an unresolved relationship (perhaps with your spouse.) Do what you need to do now to resolve these issues.

 

5. Don�t let failure get you down; learn from your mistakes and move on. Failure is a teacher; learn from it, make adjustments and keep going. The forces of darkness love to pound us with thoughts of despair and hopelessness; don't buy into it.

 

6. Remember that sex is not life; Jesus is (I am the way, the truth and the life. John 14:6). You don't need sex. Solo ejaculation is a quick shot of pleasure that will leave you miserable, empty and lonelier than you were before. Sex isn�t love, it's the expression of love to your spouse. Put sex in its proper perspective.

 

7. Physical fitness plays a big part in the battle. You should be vigorously exercising several times a week, and I don�t mean walking around the block. Personally I like to work out with weights; it�s a great stress reliever and I sleep better. If I don't work out for a few days I feel like a full can of coke that's been shaken and ready to explode. Eating too many comfort foods (ice cream, sweets, packaged foods) is using food for pleasure and will feed the instant gratification mentality you're trying to silence.

 

8. Your character will grow stronger every time you say no to instant gratification. Be persistent and never say die; in time you will become the master of your body.

 

9. Every marriage goes through an occasional period of time where sex dries up. My wife has been pregnant 3 times since 1999, and after the fifth month of pregnancy she doesn�t want sex. It�s uncomfortable for her and she�s self-conscious about her appearance. Counting her recovery time from three C-sections this means I�ve had about 21 months of celibacy in the past 5 years. I had three choices as to how I could have dealt with this:

 

A. Masturbate. No way, precious.

 

B. I could have pulled out 1st Corinthians 7:5 (that stop depriving one another verse) and hit her with a manipulative guilt trip. We still wouldn�t have had sex and I would have driven us further apart; I would have been stuck in resentment for what I couldn't have, and she would have resented me for not seeing her situation with an understanding heart. We both lose.

 

C. I could have chosen death: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her..."

 

Ephesians 5:25 Jesus is saying we must be willing to die for our wives just as He died for us. In marriage there will be times when we need to allow our right to sex to be crucified for a little while. Just as Jesus approached Jerusalem determined to die, so there are times where we must choose death so our spouses can live.

 

Death is painful, and putting what we want up on the cross is neither easy nor pleasant. To sleep next to the one woman in the universe I could have sex with and hold back for a period of months was a struggle. There were times where I found myself pulling away from her emotionally and I had to remind myself that (1) our marriage wasn�t just about sex, (2) Michelle was my best friend, and (3) she was going through a lot of physical discomfort being pregnant. My clay pot weakness kept me on my knees drawing strength from the Lord, and I shared my struggles with my brothers who would bless me by praying for my wife and me.

 

As all things come to an end so did our period of marital celibacy. When it did end I was able to come back to my wife with confidence, knowing I had not been setting our marriage up for more problems by masturbating (and it would have opened me up to the temptation to use porn to �spice it up�).

 

Understand, I am not saying a wife should purposely withhold sex from her husband, and he should passively say �ok� if she does this. Marriage is the fireplace where the flames of sexual desire should be fanned into a glorious bonfire; they should never be snuffed out. The point is there will be times when your wife will go through emotional hardships, such as grieving a loss or encountering physical difficulties and you will both be blessed if you show her grace, understanding, and love instead of demanding your due. Picture a church filled with an army of powerful men who say no to instant gratification and self-centered pleasure; they are warriors with strong hearts who stand firm in the culture of lust and, through the cracks of their weakness allow God�s grace to shine through them to others. They model strength, transparency and integrity to their families and love their wives as Christ called them to. This is the high standard we are challenged to aspire to. Or, you could hobble around hissing "the precioussss... I needs the preciousss..." Excerpt from The Road to Grace; Finding True Freedom from the Bondage of Sexual Addiction.

 

No commercial reprints without permission, please.

 

Blazing Grace, Colorado Springs, CO 80920 �Copyright 2007 Mike Genung

 

All material in this website may be reprinted for personal, church or ministry use.

[Abigail]

How can one apply this to teenaged boys?

 

Joel has said a few times that you're not going to be able to stop a teen boy from masturbating.

 

This may have been covered on strings elsewhere....sorry for the redundancy, if so.

[Celia]

Joel did address this in the secting "Bringing healing to children...

[JoelandKathy]

The article is written specifically to full grown men.

[Chris]

From experience I can say the writer is exactly right on. Loneliness, shame, isolation, emotional stunting, negative effects on your relationship with your spouse, and knowing you are sinning against God are but some of the ramifications of masturbation.

[dory]

Another good article for Fathers...

 

When Dad Falls: A Family's Ordeal with Pornography

Rebecca Grace

Agape Press

 

What do narcotics and pornography have in common? According to Richard Young, assistant professor at Brigham Young University College of Nursing, "pornography consumption can be as mood altering and as addictive as narcotics."

 

For many, such a claim seems unrealistic. For others, like Sarah Smith (not her real name) and her family, this devastating effect of pornography is much too real.

 

While the effects weigh heavy on Sarah's family, she admits, "I don't know if we have dealt with the reality of this. We have all been trying to process the illness for years now. As far as the divorce, it is still so fresh. We are simply trying to get through it." Sarah speaks of her family's present situation resulting from her father's addiction to pornography.

 

Christian Homes Not Immune

 

Family Safe Media reports that pornography is a $57 billion business worldwide and a $12 billion business nationwide. Thanks to an industry with revenue larger than combined revenues of ABC, CBS, and NBC and larger than combined revenues of all professional baseball, basketball, and football franchises, what was once a "Beaver Cleaver" family is no more.

 

"We had lots of high standards and values that we were taught and expected to live up to. We always ate dinner together around the table every night no matter what was going on. This is the family time that I grew to love and hope for my own someday," Sarah said of her Christian upbringing.

 

Unfortunately, Christian homes are not immune to the pornography plague. According to Family Safe Media, as of 2003, 47 percent of Christians admit pornography, in the form of adult Internet porn sites, is a significant problem in their homes. In comparison, 47.78 percent of families, in general, identify pornography as a problem in their homes, as evident from a 2003 poll taken by Focus on the Family and reported by the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families (NCPCF).

 

Knowing who can be affected by pornography is almost as shocking as the effects. Surprisingly, the porn addict does not have to be the stereotypical degenerate found in the aisles of a back-alley liquor store.

 

"I wasn't some guy hanging out in bars, or a bum. I wasn't a pervert in the sense that people look at somebody and say, 'I know there's something wrong with him,'" said the late Ted Bundy, infamous serial killer. He made these remarks in an interview with Dr. James C. Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, just hours before his execution.

 

"I was a normal person. I had good friends. I led a normal life, except for this one, small but very potent and destructive segment I kept very secret and close to myself," Bundy said.

 

For Sarah's father, the same potent and destructive segment was well kept from his children, at least for a while.

 

As Sarah grew up, her father was a deacon, businessman, sports coach, and "the fun one of our parents." He served on community and church leadership committees. She always looked to him for coaching tips, fun stories, laughs and adventure. "He seemed to balance my relationship with Mom so well," she said.

 

Unfortunately, the balance began to teeter soon after the computer and Internet entered the Smith home. "I discovered sights that had been visited that had words in them such as photos, bikinis, and many objectionable phrases," Sarah explained.

 

As a deterrent to the inappropriate Internet searches, the family switched to a filtered Christian Internet service. Unfortunately, the Christian filter did not filter everything.

 

In addition to Mr. Smith's accessing porn from the Internet at home and work, the family soon realized the Internet was not his only means of fulfilling his desires.

 

Although Sarah learned of her father's illness about four to five years before her mother asked him to leave, she later realized that her mother had found magazines even in the early years of their marriage.

 

"In the beginning, it fuels this kind of thought process. Then, at a certain time, it is instrumental in crystallizing it, making it into something that is almost a separate entity inside," Bundy explained.

 

Sarah eventually found pornographic videos hidden around the house, but what was most indicative of the problem was her father's changed attitude and personality. "I noticed my dad becoming less and less the fun social person I had always pictured," Sarah said.

 

She also noticed her father's lack of eye contact and interaction with her college friends. Sarah was disappointed. Tension began to build. Father/daughter conversation was silenced. "Things seemed to go unsaid a little more in a household that had always been very open and honest with each other," she said.

Despite their shame, the Smiths decided to have a family meeting.

 

"We confronted Dad with the truth about what we knew about his habits and how it made us feel. He sat and listened and never really responded," Sarah explained. "Once confronted several times, he admitted that he struggled but never to the extent that his addiction really went," Sarah said. "Towards the end, it was amazing what he was willing to risk in order 'just to see a picture.'"

 

"It started with magazines, led to videos, books, and eventually to the Internet and to photographing real women," Sarah said of her father's addiction. But it didn't stop there. "He became very angry, defensive, blaming everyone else ...," she said.

 

He also claimed that all men struggle with it and lied about his actions by covering his steps -- signs of a sexual addiction according to Fires of Darkness, an organization focused on reaching out to pornography addicts and their loved ones.

 

"It was awful to know the truth of what was going on and have to listen to lies and not be able to speak out. I felt that I couldn't because of my role as a daughter to a father," Sarah explained.

 

At that point, the relationship between Sarah and her father deteriorated as she and the rest of her family feared his temper.

 

Since then, her father has received some counseling but not to the extent Sarah would like to see. She desires complete healing and restoration for her family.

 

"This addiction, like alcoholism, has places where people can go and live for weeks. I desire that for him," she said. "I do love him and know that I need to practice this [love] because he will always be my dad, but it is very hard and the relationship is very broken.

 

"I never saw and still have yet to see a desire [in him] to truly change. I have seen a lot of justification, rationalization, and blame," Sarah admitted.

 

Such excuses do not lessen the long-term effect on Sarah and her family. For example, Sarah admits that this particular situation has caused her expectations to falter when considering her own desires for a godly husband.

 

"Trust is a huge thing for me at this point," she admitted. "I think that I will struggle through trusting my [future] husband, wondering if I am good enough physically or better than all the false images that are out there for men to see ... I will always wonder what men, not just my husband, really do when they are behind closed doors."

 

But the evil mystery behind these closed doors does not prevent Sarah from finding comfort in her spiritual Bridegroom. "My heart is broken, but God touches me daily to remind me that even in the brokenness, He completely fills and satisfies," she said.

 

Not Alone

 

Although it is still difficult for Sarah to comprehend the actuality of this happening to her family, she knows they are not the only ones fighting the battle. "I have learned through all of this that pornography affects so many families. Many people have experienced the hurt and shame this causes but are just unwilling to share it," Sarah said.

 

She is also saddened by the realization that "churches don't seem to deal directly with this huge issue that is running rampant in our society."

 

The reality is that it is happening to families nationwide as pornography keeps a tight rein on the hidden hearts of millions of believers and non-believers. However, these reins are not too tight to be loosed through the power of prayer.

 

"No matter where you are in your struggle with pornography addiction or sexual addiction, prayer is the beginning of change ... ," said Tom Buford of Fires of Darkness, a former pornography addict.

 

A steadfast relationship with Christ continues to bring Sarah and her family through the dark days of pornography. "He has blessed us 'with every spiritual blessing,'" Sarah said. "He does always receive the glory and I am seeing this daily, even on the hardest day."

 

Resources for Those Dealing with Sexual Sin

 

www.purelifeministries.org -- Website of Pure Life Ministries, a premier ministry to Christians dealing with sexual sin. Ministry includes an intense 6- to 12-month resident care program.

 

www.firesofdarkness.com -- On-line site of Fires of Darkness, a Christian ministry founded by Tom and Mera Buford. Excellent source of information and resources for those addicted to pornography and for their spouses.

 

www.moralityinmedia.org -- Website of Morality In Media, an interfaith organization that works to combat obscenity and uphold decency standards in the media.

 

www.covenanteyes.com -- An accountability software monitors Internet use and emails reports to people you select. Our Filter Service blocks objectionable websites from your computer.

[Miss Jane Bennett]

blazinggrace.org is another excellent web site for recovering porn addicts and families, etc. Great articles and other helps.

[dory]

http://www.joelandkathy.com/boards/viewtopic.php?p=43123#43123

[gsabas]

very good articles..

[2119]

Dory! I just posted a reply my name is 2119..I would like someone to remove at least part of my post for the reasons explained..if need be the whole thing..I am not ducking..got the books,read the books, listend to what the ladies said..figured this is not the best or most helpful to anyone but me..especially since at some point in time I am hoping my wife will come and look and post...She doesn't need one more added burden from Senior Knucklehead...Thanks! 2119

[dory]

http://www.joelandkathy.com/boards/viewtopic.php?p=71358#71358

[Looney_Tunes]

Awesome words from heartsong . . . let this sink deep into your spirit:

 

your wife is CRUSHED. i wrote a BOOK on this very issue. three years worth of pouring my heartbreak and angst out....

 

marriage to a sex addict (i gather you identify as such, if your wife is at SA-anon? or you committed adultery?)...it KILLS you. like nothing else.

 

i have no answers or even wisdom. but what i can offer you is a very honest expression of the heart of a woman who sustains this experience. it would take me a novel's worth to feel i had adequately communicated the depths to which our spirits are thrust under the assaults of adultery from our husbands....

 

but i will try, here, more concisely....

 

i am literally reaching my hand into the darkest pool of pure horror to try to pull out something that might shed some light for you, help you to see what she is going through. its overwhelming for ME, even though my heart has been beaten so severely, i feel dead to the entire issue....and my tormentor...on many, many levels.

 

your wife is DYING. you have attacked her very core. at the heart of a woman, the very deepest, most sensitive fragile sacred delicate PULSE of her life, there is a question. (you may have read john edredge's "wild at heart"....he lays it out there, and when i read it, i fell off my chair, because i'd been saying this my whole life...i could FEEL this from my own soul, saw it in women everywhere....)

 

"am i lovely?"

 

you have taken a sword and MURDERED her. i dont say this to condemn you. i want you to REALLY get what is in her spirit. she's been SLAIN. she opened her heart, she spread every piece of herself clean apart and presented her entire being to you....

 

she was asking, in her holy-of-holy places

 

"am i lovely?"

 

you told her, in deed, "no."

 

for me, it was a lifestyle. my killer (and i'm sorry, i must use that language because that is exactly how i came to view him) would repeatedly tell me, over and over, "you are NOT lovely". all the minutes that made up my life, from birth to present, were slain. the little girl who dressed up in scarves and paraded with her mommy's shoes on....the teenager who nervously shifted in her brand new heels at prom, wearing a new lipstick with curled hair.....the hopeful, earnest heart of a bride walking down the aisle, presenting herself to the one who will love her...

 

slain.

 

we reflect G-d in this manner. there are parts of Him in you men, and parts of Him in we ladies.

 

He waits, He yearns, He is jealous. have you looked up "jealous" in the dictionary? it means, literally, "intolerant of a rival".

 

your wife was CREATED to be intolerant of a rival, but you rubbed the harshest surface onto her silken spirit. you shredded her innocent question and longings to the MARROW.

 

there are no words to express how this feels. i am trying to condense the experience as best i can, and i find its impossible.

 

G-d says to us in james, "you are either FOR me or AGAINST me."

 

you have taught your wife that not only is she not lovely to you, but that you are against her.

 

G-d says, "choose ME, choose ME", over and over in His word. i cannot tell you how close i have become to my Lover, having experienced His ache and jealousy and heart. it is RAW, passionate, and tender.

 

we wives say, "choose me! choose me!"

 

but you did not choose her, you chose Other. look through the bible at the many, MANY stories that show the Lord's feelings about choosing Other. your wife is reflecting His heart. she is CRUSHED, broken, and sees you as a horrible messenger to her most vulnerable question.

 

"you are not lovely."

 

there is some good news....

 

there is a part two to the question, and we ladies are as wooed by this as we are by the former portion.

 

"am i lovely....WILL YOU FIGHT FOR ME???"

 

in your marriage, you taught your wife, you told her heart of hearts, "you are not lovely, i will not choose you, i will NOT fight for you."

 

i will not turn from Other, i will choose THEM over YOU. you are not worth my fight, my heart, my love. you are expendable. you are a piece of trash. i can toss you aside and betray you.

 

what is worse than ANYTHING, friend?

 

the wounds of an enemy? no! TREACHERY. this is the most horrible wound to suffer. to be betrayed by a friend. to know that your heart was not important, you were not cherished, respected, fought for, REMEMBERED.....

 

your wife is in so much pain, i cant even tell you.

 

mine became so intense, so deep, i died.

 

you are asking your wife to embrace her murderer. i cannot stress with enough emphasis how incredibly huge this is.

 

and i dont say it to condemn you. i am trying to help you to understand so that you can minister more effectively.

 

she needs to know she is LOVELY. she wont believe you think so. she just wont. she knows that she isnt enough to captivate you. you forgot her, threw everything precious about her aside, and betrayed her heart. she cannot fathom trusting you, and even DEEPER than trusting you wont "do it again", she cant get her needs met through you.

 

she cannot BELIEVE your answer to her question.

 

she is telling you about her question by relaying her exchanges with mr facebook. she is telling you, "HE thinks i'm lovely. so there. and furthermore, i think he is HOT. how does THAT feel???? how does it feel to not rank FIRST?? how does it feel to be compared? how does it feel to know you wont measure up???"

 

the good news is that she is TELLING you this.

 

if she had zero life for you, she wouldnt bother. believe me. i've been there. she would simply enjoy the attention and be silent. she wouldnt care to hurt you. she would be GONE.

 

she's clearly not.

 

you must know all these things. she is not unforgiving. she is DYING inside. she doesnt know how to fix what you broke. you already proved her wrong. you already told her she wasnt lovely.

 

its VERY hard to believe that she is, now. at least, to you. it is relieving to her, almost, to ask another man. he might tell her something she can believe, something that brings life to her heart. and she NEEDS that life.

 

you must be vigilant, consistent, and so, so sensitive.

 

she's ACHING. it WOULD have been easier had you died. that isnt an assault to her question. she could miss you then, grieve your involuntary departure.

 

you didnt involuntarily leave. you CHOSE OTHER. this is dEVASTATING!!

 

(can i use caps any more??? hahaha!! i hope you're getting how intense this is.)

 

friend, know that she is still alive to you. for you. but she is hurting so deeply and she does not KNOW how to get over this. it seems impossible. in order to "get over it" or "forgive you", she needs to detach to a certain degree, from your choices.

 

this seems an oxymoron to her heart. you ARE her heart. your DESIRE is her heart. how can she separate from this??

 

in song of solomon, the lover sings, "i am my beloved, and his desire is for ME"

 

it isnt even about what you did, exactly. it is about your DESIRE. your heart.

 

i dont care if my husband bites the bullet and doesnt take a "second look". i dont.

 

i care that he WANTS to. THAT kills me. if he WANTS to, i am already slain. so is the Lord. please read james four over and over. G-d is not after white-knuckling it. He wants our DESIRE. that we would be SO in love with Him, that Other would seem repulsive.

 

i want my husband to be fixed on me. CAPTIVATED.

 

in fact, you might want to go get that book. it is so amazing, actually....i wrote pages and pages about this very question, about longing for my husband's desire, about wanting to be CAPTIVATING...i used that EXACT word.....

 

and how this relates to the Lord and His huge passionate romantic love for us....

 

and a few months later, a friend emailed me: "have you read "captivating" by john eldredge?? its amazing!!"

 

i went out and got it, along with wild at heart.

 

and i couldnt believe it. i actually preferred the man's book (wild at heart) to the ladies one, but it was the most ENORMOUS confirmation to my heart. like one big love letter, straight to me. i knew then, without a doubt, that i had heard the Holy Spirit. i was understanding Him...and my own heart. i was in harmony with His love song to me.

 

your wife wants your DESIRE.

 

let this sink in.

 

obedience, yes. this is crucial, and this has its place. there is a time for rote obedience, for acting "as if"....

 

but ultimately, what we strive and long for is a relationship SO intimate, SO holy, SO close, our desire are ALIGNED with His. we WANT what He wants....all else looks wretched.

 

your wife CANNOT believe this about you. its not a choice. its a FACT. she may, in time, come to believe.

 

but she is so broken and hurt. she is clearly trying, she is open, she is struggling to mend, to believe, to hope, to "not take the treachery personally"....

 

but her reflection of her Creator is shining in her soul. she is WAILING inside.

 

please know that i am writing in a huge fury...i have to run...i have my daughter here, and i must fly....

 

but i read your post and i had to speak up. i hope i made SOME sense in my own whirl of emotion. i will clarify if you need, i will answer any questions....i will seek into my own heart and give you anything that will help you FIGHT for your bride and reassure her.

 

please believe my heart is for you. i hope this doesnt read as horribly accusatory or mean....i am truly, truly hoping to give you a peek into what is storming in her heart so that you CAN win her, heal her, and be a BALM to what is burning.

 

much love, friend.

 

draw your sword higher!!!! your beautiful maiden waits in her tower, and YOU can climb up there and free her!!!

[heartsong]

i read somewhere on this board that a husband had apologized....or tried to express an amends...for the pain he had caused his wife.

 

he wrote a letter and filled it with declarations of his love and desire. he said he had ALWAYS desired his wife, always found her lovely.

 

and yet, she felt...incomplete.....unresolved...when she read it. still sad. maybe empty, or confused. the words "should" make her "feel better"...and yet, they didnt.

 

i see exactly why. when i read it, i was buzzing inside.

 

my ex husband used to say stuff like this to me. and he couldnt figure out why it didnt heal me. he blamed me for being unforgiving (so not true) and got angry that i was "taking so long" to "get over it".

 

the problem was that he wasnt hearing me.

 

(pardon)

[heartsong]

imagine if a mother abandoned her child. for years, the child lives with an ache. "why did she leave me? why didnt she love me? why didnt she want me??"

 

and finally, years later in adulthood, the mother and grown child reunite. the mother says to her abandoned child, "i'm so sorry. i DID love you. i always have loved you. you are so amazing."

 

???

 

i remember a fury in my heart when my husband would betray me. i would be screaming inside, SO hurt, SO offended. i wanted to shake him "i am offering you fine wine, and you toss me aside and break my finely crafted vessel, spilling what took YEARS to create on the dirt.....and you wanted gutter water instead!"

 

it doesnt make sense to hear "oh, no, you are lovely. i have always thought you were lovely" in such cases. a woman's heart will agonize, cry, "well....if i was so lovely, WHY DID YOU NOT CHOOSE ME???"

 

we cannot use this line of thinking with the Lord, either. He doesnt accept it when we say "oh, Lord, you are so lovely. you are more beautiful than the morning star. i adore you." and then go willfully sin. He calls that lukewarm. He is greatly offended. His love is greater than any love, EVER, and yet, to these He says, "i will spit you from my mouth!"

 

in James we see an amazing peek at G-d's heart. i love this...mine reflects this so deeply. i have never been more validated by anyone than learning the heart of G-d. when i saw HIS, i had peace. i'm not crazy. i am justified. i am created in the image of the Lord.

 

He says, "if you SAY YOU LOVE ME, but desire things of this world, YOU MAKE YOURSELF my ENEMY."

 

thats heavy, friends. ENEMY.

 

what betrayed wife does not relate to this??? when i read this passage, i wept from relief and joy and love. He sees. He knows. HE feels the SAME!!

 

(pardon)

[heartsong]

is G-d, the ruler of the universe, insecure??

 

does He have self-esteem issues?

 

no. He surely does not. whether we choose Him or not has no bearing on His loveliness. He IS more beautiful than the morning star, more overwhelmingly captivating than ALL the stars.

 

our recognizing this and choosing Him has nothing to do with the truth. He is LOVELY. its a fact. fine wine IS superior to gutter water. this is a FACT. choosing trash over what is pure and lovely is NOT a reflection on the menu items, but a VERY clear reflection of the one doing the ordering.

 

we ladies can rest in this. we can be free of that horrible poking knife saying "you werent lovely". G-D, HIMSELF, gets left. He suffers the pain of being not chosen. He does! and look at HIM and what HE offers!!!

 

i, myself, have broken His heart. i can look back to so many times in my life and see where i chose trash over His unparalleled beauty. was that a result of what He offered?? no. it was my own foolishness, deception, brokenness, and flat out bad taste.

 

(pardon)

[heartsong]

G-d does not have "issues". He is JUSTIFIED in His jealousy. He does not tolerate a rival. doesnt TOLERATE.

 

He says, "what in the WORLD are you thinking??? i am UNRIVALED in my loveliness. i am offering you LIFE and EVERYTHING you could EVER possibly dream of.....and if you say you realize this, but still choose trash?? even DESIRE the trash?? i will spit you from my mouth. you are my enemy."

 

He isnt a basket case or messed up or needing self-help classes to work on His self esteem. He is justified and holy.

 

i took a long time to see this. i couldnt make sense of what i was going through. i did not have bad self esteem. i had a great sense of self confidence when i got married. i truly did. and yet, there i was, in utter agony, my heart exploding in so many directions, not sure which feeling was worse....and even deeper, so confused by what was racing through my soul. where did this come from? how did i get here? why am i taking this on, and why cant i stop it?

 

and so is the wife who rages....who paces the floor with an explosion of pain AND anger.....angst AND disgust......

 

she doesnt know WHAT to do, its so confusing. misery PLUS absolute fury.

 

and she is JUST like her Father. minus the "being G-d" part. so there IS a flood of lies that come to strike her core. she is under the barrage of fiery arrows that each carry a lie. "you arent lovely. no one will fight for you."

 

saying "i'm sorry. i always did know you were lovely." doesnt cut it. not with us ladies, and not with the Lord, either.

 

He says "how can you say you love me if you do not do what i say?"

 

so do we ladies. "how can you say you love me if you chase trash?"

 

it just doesnt make sense.

 

(pardon)

[heartsong]

what i imagine would feel better, what would have brought healing to my heart where my ex husband was concerned, would have sounded more like this.:

 

"i was a fool. i am so embarrassed, so full of remorse. i had horrible taste. i had the finest wine set before me, which i truly did not deserve. i dont know how i won you, honestly. clearly, i wasnt worthy of such a lovely offering. you came to me pure and true....the loveliest, finest maiden in all the land....and i gave you MY trash.

 

i was blind, uncultured, base, lost, and sleeping with pigs. i was like that camel in heat, sniffing in the wind like a traitor, trying to find a way to fill my emptiness up on women. i used innocent people. i took and took and took. i was a predator. i wanted to feel like a man without BEING a man. i didnt see, in my deception and blindness, how horribly off i was.

 

but my soul knew. i was sick inside. it never filled. in fact, the hole got bigger, deeper, more bottomless. i ravaged you in my insatiable hunger for what was not holy. i forgot you. in truth, i NEVER REALLY SAW YOU, for if i HAD, i would have fought harder. i would have spent my time chasing your heart and all of the loveliness that is sewn there.

 

but the small glimpse of you that i DID see scared me. i knew i was not worthy. i knew you'd find me out, realize you'd married a fraud. and so i ran from you. i chased whores and rolled in the dirt, because i could feel like some kind of king there. it was so, so stupid. plain and simple. i shut you out because i didnt know how to stand strong for you. i was afraid i'd fail, so i tried to trick you.

 

of course, you knew i was lying. of course you did, my bride, because you are wise and sensitive and full of the gifts of the Holy Spirit. you reflect His image. you are everything sweet and beautiful.

 

the more i lied, the more i ran from your loveliness. my guilt built a great wall of pride in me. i was too cowardly to fight for truth. i tried to feed you the same trash that i fed on: lies. i tried to force you to swallow filth. i made you sick.

 

i dont blame you for feeling disgusted. it IS disgusting. my choices were disgusting and repulsive to your spirit. such a royal princess could never find peace in such a horrible atmosphere. you were created for the best....i thrust my mud at you and tried to make you like it.

 

(pardon)

[heartsong]

i was afraid that i wasnt enough. so i went places where i paid people to lie to me, to tell me that i WAS enough. i preyed on people less intuitive than you, victims who didnt have your discernment and wisdom. i used them to help me hide.

 

its pathetic. i see that now. i just wanted to hear what i wanted to hear and tried to shut out the screaming in my OWN heart, the fear that i'd never be enough for you.

 

i spent so much time in my lies, i became ensnared. i wanted to get free, but i had never learned, never trained, to be a man. i was weak. it was so much easier to pretend you didnt see this.....but actually, i resented that you did. how could you not, dearest princess? you were created for splendor. you were created to manifest His glory, and you live for what is true.

 

i was too afraid. i was a child. an absolute fool.

 

i see this now. i see how blind i was. i am so sick of junk food. i am SO disgusted with filth. i have had MORE than enough sickness to wake me out of my stupor.

 

i see how looking anywhere else was such a repulsive choice. i dont blame you for your rage, your fears, your horror. i dont blame you for wanting to spit me out of your mouth. you reflect your Creator. i was double minded, seeing what was lovely and STILL rolling with pigs. disgusting.

 

but your Creator is also MY Creator, praise be to G-d. and He has let me sleep with swine long enough to become ill. i have squandered our wealth. i am broken. i have spilled your wine and carelessly broken you.

 

my heart is wailing for you. i am looking at the pieces of you and i am filled with dread and pain. pain for what i did....and dread that i cannot find a way to piece you back together. i smashed you. i didnt want to be reminded, so i broke you. i poured you out. i see you dripping and ache at the sharp shards.

 

(pardon)

[heartsong]

i left you, turned my face from your loveliness and tried to forget about you. it is treacherous. i am on my face in repentance. i am sliced to the quick to think of how i threw you aside, just to run from my own fear.

 

i always knew you were royalty. but i didnt realize that i am, too. i couldnt believe you thought so....and i ran....but now my Father has shown me. i am created for splendor and glory, too. i cannot believe how long it took me to come home.

 

but He has told me, i am destined for wild beauty, for holy adventures, for noble fights that call for courage, integrity, and REAL MEN.

 

G-d has shown me His army. He has welcomed me back, and i am weeping from sorrow AND joy. He has given me a ring and showed me my path. we are training, together, my Father and i. i am learning to be a knight. He has whispered plans for me....told me there is a future filled with prosperity.....a destiny of wonder and reckless love.

 

i want you to ride beside me. i am not worthy to ask you of this. i know you are beyond what i deserve. but now i refuse to settle for less. if i cannot have the best, i will adventure with the Lord, alone. for no one will ever compare to you, and i have tasted your beauty. i cannot believe i did not delve DEEPLY into you back in my blindness...

 

but its too late for me, now, because of those small samples that i DID experience. they are so overwhelming, SO unlike anything i've ever heard of or seen or felt....i cannot ever go back. i will die fighting for you. i have vomited all of the vile poison and wretched filth out...and i cannot ever go back. i have turned. i am new.

 

please forgive me. please know my sniffing around was my OWN bad taste, my own blindness. it destroyed your soul, and for that i will be ever grieved, but it did not put a dent in your loveliness. nothing could.

 

i will never rest until i have finished what He has started. i will seek my Father, the King, all of my days. i pray i will have a chance to know, someday, the depth of your beauty....although, to be honest, i am still sometimes intimidated. i have never known greater beauty, and i realize there is so much more to discover. i was never brave enough before.

 

i am now.

 

i will fight for you forever. if you ask me to leave you, i will go where you have peace and dream of you until i die.

 

i did not allow myself to love you fully before. i knew i was not a man. but i am becoming one now. and i will love you forever."

[heartsong]

hello, dear family...

 

i just got a chance to re-read the above....yesterday, i was banging away at the keyboard to the LOUD sounds of sade in starbucks....

 

not the greatest for keeping a clear mind! i also lost some posts and didnt have time to go back and rewrite the missing parts completely...

 

so i just wanted to say, gentlemen, that what i've written most recently is missing the validation parts of a repentance. i'm hoping that what i initially described would help shed some understanding on what we ladies feel, so if you can acknowledge that when communicating to your wife, it will be a huge healing and blessing to her.

 

what is written above is more of what i, MYSELF, needed to hear regarding my ex husband's choices. i realize there are a lot of "i" statements, and while the focus should be primarily on empathizing with the wife's heart, i, personally, needed to understand what in the world was behind the choices my own spouse made.

 

that might be just me. i might suggest asking your wives if they are interested in knowing why you did what you did.....some may not want to hear it.

 

i'm the type that needs to dig into every little nook and cranny in order to process. for ME, it was hugely important to hear the back story. not that i wanted this to be the FOCAL point (YUCK), but i needed to hear it. my heart was crying, "how could you have done that???!!"

 

(pardon)

[heartsong]

without understanding how my ex husband could have possibly threw me away, i wouldnt have been able to move past the agony of him doing it. i needed to realize where it was coming from in order to separate myself...

 

as i'd mentioned, he didnt ever articulate these things to me. i dug around, myself, reading up on adultery, sex addiction, and porn use. i spoke with therapists and listened closely when they spoke with him. and this is what i gleaned.

 

i DID move past the pain. for any crumbling wife out there, let me tell you, i was buried deep in the biggest pit of despair....and i AM now free. i dont feel unlovely, which in itself, is the hugest gift EVER. any lady who has been tormented in this way will understand how i could say that.

 

also, in the above "sample" explanation, i wrote some things that now seem to read as entitled. saying "i must have the best" to your wife might be better expressed, "i could never find anyone who could hold a candle to your loveliness. it would be my honor to sweep your path, to live my life casting roses beneath your feet. i could never love another, having tasted your beauty. i am haunted by you. i am filled with longing to know you. i could never be satisfied with anything other."

 

this is, to me, what the Lord longs to see in our hearts for Him, too.

 

and i must say, i DO feel this way for Him. when i look back to the times when i picked something cheap and tawdry instead of His glory, i am sickened.

 

(excuse me)

[heartsong]

ok...

 

i've been thinking about all this....

 

and i need to add:

 

i HAD to hear, had to find the REASON why my husband would have done all this, not just to "hear the backstory" for the sake of knowledge or curiosity...

 

but i had to satisfy the scream in MY heart: "if i am so lovely, HOW COULD HE NOT HAVE CHOSEN ME???"

 

THIS is why i needed an explanation. THIS is why i had to know how and why. i'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that my heart is very much like every other gals, with small personality differences....

 

so i'm assuming most wives will have this same scream that lasts, even despite a heartfelt apology. because at the very heart of our wound, beyond the treachery and the betrayal, is an assault to our question. we NEED to know that there is a way we ARE lovely....and STILL we were not chosen.

 

it needs to add up. the truth needs to set us free. it had nothing to do with our loveliness. just saying this, "it had nothing to do with you" seems to dig the knife in further.

 

our hearts amp UP, "WHAAT???? it has EVERYTHING to do with me!!! i was lying there, WAITING FOR YOU, and you didnt WANT ME!!!!!"

 

we need to know how that is possible, and that it IS possible, despite our being VERY lovely. the fear is, the wound is the lie that we are not. satan is right there to slip from the adulterous actions to our hearts.....

 

he loves it. he gets to take two down with one stone. its a two-fer deal, that porn and adultery and even just plain old pride.

 

i needed to hear it, to tackle it and prove to myself, "this DID happen, and you ARE lovely. you always were. it KILLED you...but it wasnt ABOUT you. you were a victim."

 

just more thoughts....

[SSGVinyard]

what i imagine would feel better, what would have brought healing to my heart where my ex husband was concerned, would have sounded more like this.:

 

"i was a fool. i am so embarrassed, so full of remorse. i had horrible taste. i had the finest wine set before me, which i truly did not deserve. i dont know how i won you, honestly. clearly, i wasnt worthy of such a lovely offering. you came to me pure and true....the loveliest, finest maiden in all the land....and i gave you MY trash.

 

i was blind, uncultured, base, lost, and sleeping with pigs. i was like that camel in heat, sniffing in the wind like a traitor, trying to find a way to fill my emptiness up on women. i used innocent people. i took and took and took. i was a predator. i wanted to feel like a man without BEING a man. i didnt see, in my deception and blindness, how horribly off i was.

 

but my soul knew. i was sick inside. it never filled. in fact, the hole got bigger, deeper, more bottomless. i ravaged you in my insatiable hunger for what was not holy. i forgot you. in truth, i NEVER REALLY SAW YOU, for if i HAD, i would have fought harder. i would have spent my time chasing your heart and all of the loveliness that is sewn there.

 

but the small glimpse of you that i DID see scared me. i knew i was not worthy. i knew you'd find me out, realize you'd married a fraud. and so i ran from you. i chased whores and rolled in the dirt, because i could feel like some kind of king there. it was so, so stupid. plain and simple. i shut you out because i didnt know how to stand strong for you. i was afraid i'd fail, so i tried to trick you.

 

of course, you knew i was lying. of course you did, my bride, because you are wise and sensitive and full of the gifts of the Holy Spirit. you reflect His image. you are everything sweet and beautiful.

 

the more i lied, the more i ran from your loveliness. my guilt built a great wall of pride in me. i was too cowardly to fight for truth. i tried to feed you the same trash that i fed on: lies. i tried to force you to swallow filth. i made you sick.

 

i dont blame you for feeling disgusted. it IS disgusting. my choices were disgusting and repulsive to your spirit. such a royal princess could never find peace in such a horrible atmosphere. you were created for the best....i thrust my mud at you and tried to make you like it.

 

(pardon)

[Miss Elizabeth]

Being heavily involved in the Christian Marriage blogosphere, Michael and I often come across some really great posts that we like to share with our forum family and this is one of those times.

 

 

The following post from another blog is one of the best tellings of what porn does to a man/husband, how it affects a marriage, and how it hurts a wife.

 

 

I realize that some of the language may be a bit shocking to some (especially the wives) and I apologize in advance. I've left it in, however because it's real. Just a head's up.

 

 

Really powerful and important insight!

 

 

Miss Elizabeth

 

 

-------------------------------

 

 

The following series about pornography was done on the Generous Husband tips over an eight day period.

 

 

Which one are you?

 

 

The good news is that I am sending a full week of tips about sex - the "bad" news is they are about pornography.

 

 

I think men fall into 4 categories with regards to porn:

 

 

1) Those who are not even trying to avoid it.

 

 

2) Those who are trying/wanting to stop.

 

 

3) Those who have won the battle.

 

 

4) Those who made a decision not to indulge and have stuck to it.

 

 

Unless you are one of the very few in the last group, pornography has had some affect on your marriage - and that affect is probably greater than you realize. Statistically speaking, more than half of the 700 men receiving this are in one of the first two groups.

 

 

Let me start by telling you my story. I want you to know where I'm coming from, and I want you to know I do not speak as one of those in the fourth group who don't know enough about it to really understand.

 

 

My introduction to porn came in 1968, at the age of 7, when I found some Playboy and Penthouse magazines in the guest room closet.

 

By the age of 10, well before puberty, I was masturbating to orgasm. Porn was the primary reason I started masturbating as such a young age, and porn was a part of my masturbation from the very start.

 

At the age of 13 I was spending at least 30 minutes a day looking at porn. This was before VCRs or the Internet, so my source was magazines and paperback books that described the sexual "adventures" of fictitious characters in vivid, lusty detail. I swapped porn with several friends to increase what I could see. I found my porn in illegal dumping spots in the woods near my house, another fellow stole his, and one guy found a huge stash in the attic of their new home. By 13 I was into the real fringe stuff, some of which was probably illegal.

 

 

Just before my 15th birthday, at a time I was becoming serious about my Christian faith, I realized my porn use was not acceptable to God. It may sound strange that this came as a revelation, but back then porn was not discussed, and it certainly was not discussed in church!

 

 

I threw away a 33 gallon bag of porn, and never looked at it again. And I do know it's not that easy for most guys. I had some things going for me - first I was young and idealistic, and just knowing it was wrong with Jesus caused me to not want to have anything to do with it. I was also not hit in the face with porn a dozen times a day like we all are today. Sure I was tempted to go get some, but by the grace of God I never did. Of course I still had the mental effects of the porn, and that took me another ten years to rid myself of.

 

 

Which brings us to tomorrows topic - the platypus in the green T-shirt.

 

 

Platypus in a green T-shirt??

 

 

I want to try and explain how pornography affects our minds and bodies. Stay with me, it will all come together eventually.

 

 

In a recent study, people who did not know the purpose of the study were shown an abstract image at the same time they were exposed to a distinctive food smell. With repeated exposures their brains became conditioned to associate the image with the smell. Eventually the sight of the abstract image caused them to hunger for the food that had been associated with that image, even when the smell was not present.

 

What we see, hear or smell when we are sexually aroused has a similar affect, and the affect is particularly strong when an orgasm occurs. This is how God made us, and when we limit our sexuality to our wife this is a good thing - it causes us to sexually desire her more strongly, and it makes sex with her better.

 

 

Imagine for a moment that most of the world's pornographers decided to start putting all their female "models" and "actresses" in green T-shirts. And not just to start with, the T-shirt is either worn or held or some how used in every picture or scene. After repeated exposure to this, men would start to be aroused by green T-shirts. Men would even get aroused seeing a display rack of green T-shirts.

 

 

Let us further imagine that these same pornographers started using the word "platypus" in all their porn. Men say platypus as they pull women's clothing off, and women say it loudly during sex. Soon that word would have a sexual force behind it for the men watching that porn.

 

 

But the affects would not stop with men being aroused by green T-shirts and the word platypus. Men would want and crave those things to be a part of their sex life. Men would buy their wives green T-shirts and beg them to wear them for sex. Men would say platypus during sex, and want their wife to do the same.

 

 

Know where I'm going here? Think about it, and tomorrow we will move from the hypothetical green shirted Australian oddity to something things that are totally unreal.

 

 

Bambi in fantasy land ...

 

 

Okay, no one says platypus, or wears green T-shirts, in porn. But porn has about as much to do with reality as a bad 60's science fiction movie; except that the special affects are much better in the porn. Pornographers are experts at using camera angles, lighting, and even body make up to make things look bigger than they really are. And of course the men pop Viagra like candy, and the women use large quantities of artificial lubricants. It's not sex, it's a gross caricature of sex.

 

 

Admittedly my exposure to porn is somewhat dated, but I've heard enough to know that the game is the same, only the props have changed. In the mid 70's "the look" was breasts so large they seems likely to explode; today "the look" is piercing and tattoos in sensitive places and shaved off pubic hair. Back then oral sex was THE sex act - if you had sex with a woman and it did not include oral sex you were being cheated, you were missing out. Today the must experience, don't let her cheat you out of it thing, is anal sex.

 

 

I do not mean to say that any of these looks or activities are inherently wrong - that is not the issue. But like the green T-shirts in my example, the constant exposure to these looks and acts affects a man. He starts to want his wife to look a way she does not want to look, and to do things she is not interested in doing. The man starts to feel neglected and cheated because his wife won't engage in some act he has seen repeatedly in porn. She could be willing to have sex with him twice a day, but if she won't do those things he has come to see as important, he is upset and unsatisfied. The false reality of porn is invading his marriage bed, it's hurting his wife, and destroying their sex life.

 

 

And wanting her to shave or to try anal sex is only the tip of the iceberg - the real damage to his mind, and to their sex life, is deeper and less obvious. But that's for tomorrow.

 

 

Are any real women like that?

 

 

Yesterday I discussed some of the unreality of porn. Today I want to look at some subtler, and therefore more damaging lies porn tells about women.

 

 

In porn most women are ready and eager for sex 24/7. In fact, most of them are so eager they will have sex with anyone, or anything they can get their hands on. And the women who are not "always on" can be made ready and willing with a few dirty words and 30 seconds of fondling.

 

 

The women of porn orgasm easily, quickly, and often. Even in the most bizarre, contorted intercourse positions, they orgasm over and over, without any foreplay needed. And if there is foreplay, they orgasm at least once during that.

 

 

The women of porn like sex hard and rough. A slap on the butt that will hurt for hours is a turn on, so is having a nipple half removed. Sex that will leave marks is fun, and prolonged intercourse that would leave a real woman raw is how they like it.

 

 

And of course the women of porn make sure you know when they orgasm. They wake the neighbors and threaten to buck the man off of the bed.

 

 

I could give many other examples of how the "women of porn" have no similarity to real women, but I'll do just one more. I've saved the worst, the most destructive, for last. The women of porn have no need for a relationship with their sex partner. Anyone, anytime, anyplace, relationship not needed. The women of porn don't need to feel loved or cherished in order to feel sexual, they do not need romance in order to want sex, they don't need a committed relationship in order to want, much less have, an orgasm. For the women of porn sex is an entity unto it's self, and the rest of their lives don't intrude into their sex lives.

 

 

Are there any real women who are like that? Is your wife like that?

 

 

Time for the big question.

 

 

I've spent four days laying the foundation for this question:How has your exposure to porn altered your sexual desires and expectations?

 

 

Please don't think you can ignore the question if you no longer view porn. I gave it up at age 15, but I found some of its influence was still with me when I married at 24. Just like those folks I discussed on Sunday who got hungry for a certain food when they saw a certain abstract image, if you have viewed porn you have been affected.

 

 

Have you asked your wife to shave her pubic hair? Were you upset when she said no? Did you think she was being uptight for not wanting you to ejaculate on her face, or did you not believe she was telling the truth when she said anal sex was not enjoyable for her? Do you get mad that she won't scream when she orgasms, or are you frustrated that she won't even try to have more than one orgasm? Have you ever "surprised her" with a sex toy or some extreme lingerie or tried to sneak a finger in her anus because you knew she would say no if you asked, but thought she might like it if she tried it?

 

 

Are you unhappy with a sex life that should satisfy you? Do you feel sexually cheated, but can't give a good reason for feeling that way? Has your frustration pushed your wife away? Or has your pushiness forced her away? Has she said in exasperation "No matter what I do you will never be satisfied" or "Why can't we just have normal sex for once?"

 

 

If your desires, attitudes, and expectations have been coloured by porn, you are hurting your wife, and cheating both of you out of what God wants you to share sexually. Pray about it, be brutally honest with yourself.

 

 

That other thing

 

 

This idea speaks to the "Physical Touch" language.

 

 

We can't talk about pornography without discussing masturbation.

 

 

After a great deal of study and prayer I am convinced that masturbation, in and of itself, is not inherently sinful. I mention this only because some of you know my stand on this and I don't want to confuse anyone; however, it's not relevant to our current discussion. If you are married, it now belongs to her, not you (1 Cor 7:4) and you have no business playing with it on your own!

 

 

While there are a few guys who vent their porn-inspired lust on their wife (how nice for the wife) the majority of men with a serious porn habit are also masturbating - some guys more than once a day. Porn is intentionally designed to get a guy to masturbate - if he has an orgasm while watching a video or viewing a web site, it greatly increases the chances that he will come back ... and spend money.

 

 

Masturbation does not fulfill all the sexual urges God gave us as men, but it does drain off that very strong physical drive. Did you know God gave you that very strong drive for a reason? He wants you to have a lot of sex with your wife! God created us to need sex for a variety of things, including a healthy marriage, a healthy body, and a healthy mind. When you masturbate you reduce the push to have sex with your wife. This reduces the amount of sex you have with her, and that in turn hurts the health of your marriage as well as the health of both you and your wife.

 

If you're married, masturbation is like only eating junk food each time you feel hunger. It takes the hunger away, but it does not give you what and need, and you have not done what God intended the drive to cause you to do.

 

 

I know that many of you struggle because your wife is not as interested in sex as you are. I understand that taking care of it in the shower is easier, and safer, than risking rejection. I also know masturbation is the wrong way to deal with the situation. When a man starts masturbating it inevitably results in less and less sex with his wife. It's usually gradual, but it happens, and that is a very bad thing.

 

Masturbation can also become a habit a man won't give up. Many women start to want more sex as they pass the mid thirties (there are hormonal reasons for this, along with less stress from child raising). A growing number of these women are finding that their husband is unwilling to have more sex. There are many reasons for this, but masturbation is a major factor. How sad that a man looking for a temporary fix ultimately cheats himself, and his wife, out of what he really wants.

 

 

We also need to realize that most women do not see masturbation as a minor issue. Most are deeply hurt and offended when they discover that their husband is doing it, and some even see it as a form of adultery. Throw in porn, and some women will start talking about divorce. When a woman finds out her husband is engaged in porn and/or masturbation it hurts her deeply, and does significant harm to the couple's marriage.

 

 

Tomorrow - what to do about it, and where to get help.

 

 

Addendum to yesterday's message:

 

I was asked if I was saying that all the things I mentioned yesterday are sinful. As I said earlier this week, I am not calling oral sex or shaving off pubic hair, or anything else sin. The issue is not the act or the look, but the unusually strong desire for it that porn causes. If a man and his wife both like her shaved, that's fine; if his obsessive desire for her to shave is hurting their marriage, it's a problem. Same for any of the other things mentioned.

 

 

What to do about it

 

 

But what to do? First let me suggest you not hang the word "addict" around your neck. Depending on how you define addiction, porn qualifies, but the word too often is used to relieve someone of responsibility or say they are powerless. Let me ask you - if your wife said "The next time you use porn I will divorce you" and you knew she meant it - do you think you could stop "cold turkey"? If so then the issue is about how motivated you are to stop!

 

And that is what the words above were all about. It is my prayer that some who thought their porn use was "no big deal" now see it for the problem it is. I also pray that those who already knew porn was a problem are now motivated to do something about it.

 

 

The first thing to do is to pray and commit yourself to ending your use of porn. Then, get rid of every bit of porn you have, as well as how you get it. Don't save a few pictures in a hidden folder on your hard drive, don't "forget" to throw out a video you have stashed some place, don't save a few URLs of porn web sites. Get rid of everything! Clear your e-mail addresses and your browser history and destroy any other record that would give you a quick way back.

 

 

Next you need to make changes to reduce your temptations. If your drive to work takes you by the X-rated video store you shop, then find another way to drive. Move the computer to a place where you can't hide, and choose not to be on it when you are alone. Change whatever you need to. When I gave up porn it cost me my best friend, the best friend I'd ever had up to that point - but it was worth it.

 

 

Also be aware of things that cause you to go after porn - if you use porn to deal with stress or anger, find better ways of dealing with these things. If watching certain shows cause you to want to view porn, then stop watching them. If going to the park for lunch and looking at the women walking by causes you temptation, then find some place else to eat.

 

 

Now it's time to confess to your wife. You have sinned against her, and you can't repent, or seek her forgiveness, without confessing. And yes, she will be mad - and she has good reason to be. It's going to hurt her, maybe deeply, and it's going to strain your marriage; sin hurts people and relationships. I know some will not confess, claiming they don't want to hurt their wife, or fearing she might leave them, but confessing and working to rebuild is the right thing to do - so be a man and do it!

 

 

Beyond being the right thing to do, telling your wife significantly improves your chances of freeing yourself for good. In part this is because being willing to confess is a sign that a man is serious (if a guy isn't serious, he is NOT going to tell his wife). Additionally your wife can be a help to you. Ask her to regularly ask you how your doing - knowing that SHE will be asking you can really help when you are tempted.

 

 

A further reason to talk to your wife is so that she will understand if you experience sexual changes as you remove yourself from porn. If you have been masturbating a lot your drive may go way up. You could also have a short term problem with rapid ejaculation. On the other hand, if porn has been adding to your sex drive you may feel a decrease in desire, and some men have erection problems. Your wife may suddenly seem sexually boring, or you may get upset about sex for no explainable reason.

 

 

I'm all for getting help with ending a porn habit, but be careful. In a recent survey more than half of all self-described "Evangelical pastors" admitted to an ongoing problem with porn - and the situation with the men in the pews is no better. The last thing you want is a case of the blind leading the blind.

 

 

Follow ups

 

 

This last week of posts has brought me more feed back than any previous month of posts. Several points made to me seem like they should be addressed here. Also, at the end of this post, a couple of great, free, porn/spam fighting tools I did not know about.

 

 

What about "soft porn" - those things that are sexual but not in the category many would call porn. In days gone by teen age boys would use the lingerie section of the Sears and Roebuck catalog or pictures of naked natives from National Geographic in the way guys today use porn. Lust, other than lust for one's wife, is sin. Jesus said it's like adultery in your heart. Each of us has a different level of what we can ignore and what causes us to lust, and each of us must avoid anything that causes us to lust.

 

 

I also think that the sex one sees in movies rated R, PG-13 and even PG can be a big problem. There is not as much nudity as with porn, but the wrong attitudes and desires and many of the other unreal aspects I talked about are there. Is a man who thinks women don't need foreplay because of R rated movies any better off than a man who thinks this because of porn?

 

 

I know some of you have a dug yourself into a hole by not being honest with your wife about your sexual needs. You told her you wanted/needed less than you really did out of fear that she would think you were being selfish or saying you were over sexed. Our society has called the sex drive God gave men wrong, and many of us fear exposing what is really there. Increasingly men are questioning their very normal, God given sex drive, thinking there is something wrong with them. How very sad this is! God made you to have a strong drive, a much stronger drive than your wife, and He called it good. It is not unreasonable or selfish for a man to desire sex as much as everyday. It's natural for a man to feel frustrated, and even angry, when sex occurs significantly less often than he wants.

 

 

You are responsible for your actions and how you deal with your sex drive, but you are not "to blame" for it nor does God want you to apologize for it, down play it, or ignore it. Do not call what God made bad, and don't let your wife think it's bad. You need to be honest, and you need to educate your wife. Ask her to forgive you if you have lied or mislead her, and work to help her understand what God put in you.

 

 

I was asked if it's wrong for a man to masturbate if his wife refuses him sex. First I think we need to be clear about what refusing is. Your wife is responsible for taking care of your sexual needs, but she has to have a clear understanding of what they are in order to do that. Don't assume she knows; she may have different desires than you but she can't know how you feel, what you want, or how you think unless you tell her.

 

 

If you hint you want sex and your wife does not make herself available, that is not refusing. If you ask her if she wants to have sex and she says no, that is not refusing. If you come to bed after her and she is asleep, or all but asleep, she is not refusing. If you ask to have sex and she says no, that is refusing. If this happens regularly you need to sit down with her and tell her that this hurts you emotionally and causes you to struggle with temptation. If she still won't meet your sexual needs, then and only then can you really say your wife is refusing you.

[heartsong]

I've been reading some of the mens threads again tonight....

 

I'm not sure why, honestly. I'm not sure why I'm drawn to the stories of these marriages between people I've never met, why the hearts involved seem to be sewn into my own...

 

but here I am, and more thoughts are bubbling within me.

 

there is a gentleman who is losing enthusiasm...hope....vigor. he's watching the effects of his gardening and not enjoying the fruit. his wife is estranged, detached, living a life he cannot seem to penetrate in a soulful way...

 

he helps her with outward issues and even shares a home, a bed....but she's gone, she's far, far away, down the road and around the corner in her mind, looking at what other possibilities lie in wait, what rescue may be ahead for her lonely and tired heart.

 

he aches, and he wonders what to do. he can't touch her anymore. her vacant stares leave him cold and isolated. he looks for signs of a spark, a memory, a bond, anything....

 

but she's even given back his name, so through with that label of failure she's been staring at for years everywhere, her checks, her license, her mail....it all reminds her of a promise, of her surrender, and the ensuing death. the name was supposed to mean "I am his" but instead it came to mean "I am unloved, unwanted, unchosen".

 

she's eager to reclaim herself, to see if it's possible to feel her own worth separate of the filter she's been looking through as his bride. if she isn't "his" anymore, she can end the agony of the heartbreak.

 

she can't believe him anymore. his lie has calloused her cuts over and they are now numb, hardened, and dulled.

 

he says she spends hours each day online, looking for Other.

 

he sees no future in this, can't squeeze even the tiniest drop of juice to wet his thirst for security, reassurance, the chance of a chance that she will return.

 

I wonder as I read this how long this lovely, broken maiden lived in precisely this dark well of lonliness. how many years she waited while he sat online, searching for Other. did she seek his heart, look for clues in his eyes that he might return to her? did she whisper questions in her spirit and with her voice, wondering if there was a chance of a chance he might remember, might see something in her worth fighting for?

 

how long did she wait? how long did she starve?

 

she needs to take back the promises and regain a sense of purpose and hope. she cannot any longer leave the answers, her life, in his hands. her survival cannot be left to such circumstance, as the sentence she's served all these years is buried in her heart....the branding of love lost throbs far beneath the layers of dead scars and defensive closures.

 

he must not look to be answered now, but must seek to do what he has never done. he must give with no promises exchanged, offer freely his life, his self, while he waits with no guarantees.

 

to conquer death he has to die.

 

and she cannot bring his hope. she must find safety and new life, a place of strength and ressurection to nurse her spirit back to breathing.

 

he must watch from a distance, lose himself in loving her. he must find joy in a different sort of love, the kind that only gives, and gives, and gives. he must become a man who revels in silent offerings, in anonymous blessings, a man who lives to see her smile from afar....possibly only in his mind...

 

he must dig deep into the living well to find his source, and he must not give up.

 

if he does, he will prove what she believes to be true.

 

and he will lose.