Self Gratification and "Maintaining Sexual Integrity"

[created4success]

This is some pretty deep stuff on this forum.

 

I've learned firsthand how devastating porn can be to a marriage.

 

In the final tally, I believe it all comes down to choices, really: will I fall for the false intimacy of the enemy (the lie, the delusion, the big deception), or, will I choose true intimacy found only in Christ, and choose to be intimate with my wife according to God's best for my marriage?

 

Now, Father, continue to transform our minds that we may walk in Your Truth, know Your Ways and be filled with Your Spirit in our marriages, and in every aspect of our lives.

[created4success]

I believe that wives can't compete with pornography, for one, because the whole concept of porn is that it is a delusional fantasy perpetuated by the devil, that promises false intimacy, but fails to follow through on its promises.

 

True intimacy and getting our needs met in Christ first by spending time in His presence is true intimacy. And that intimacy leads to a true bond and intimacy with our spouses on every level: emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

[Hispeed3535]

Awesome words from heartsong . . . let this sink deep into your spirit:

 

 

your wife is CRUSHED. i wrote a BOOK on this very issue. three years worth of pouring my heartbreak and angst out....

 

 

marriage to a sex addict (i gather you identify as such, if your wife is at SA-anon? or you committed adultery?)...it KILLS you. like nothing else.

 

 

i have no answers or even wisdom. but what i can offer you is a very honest expression of the heart of a woman who sustains this experience. it would take me a novel's worth to feel i had adequately communicated the depths to which our spirits are thrust under the assaults of adultery from our husbands....

 

 

but i will try, here, more concisely....

 

 

i am literally reaching my hand into the darkest pool of pure horror to try to pull out something that might shed some light for you, help you to see what she is going through. its overwhelming for ME, even though my heart has been beaten so severely, i feel dead to the entire issue....and my tormentor...on many, many levels.

 

 

your wife is DYING. you have attacked her very core. at the heart of a woman, the very deepest, most sensitive fragile sacred delicate PULSE of her life, there is a question. (you may have read john edredge's "wild at heart"....he lays it out there, and when i read it, i fell off my chair, because i'd been saying this my whole life...i could FEEL this from my own soul, saw it in women everywhere....)

 

 

"am i lovely?"

 

 

you have taken a sword and MURDERED her. i dont say this to condemn you. i want you to REALLY get what is in her spirit. she's been SLAIN. she opened her heart, she spread every piece of herself clean apart and presented her entire being to you....

 

 

she was asking, in her holy-of-holy places

 

 

"am i lovely?"

 

 

you told her, in deed, "no."

 

 

for me, it was a lifestyle. my killer (and i'm sorry, i must use that language because that is exactly how i came to view him) would repeatedly tell me, over and over, "you are NOT lovely". all the minutes that made up my life, from birth to present, were slain. the little girl who dressed up in scarves and paraded with her mommy's shoes on....the teenager who nervously shifted in her brand new heels at prom, wearing a new lipstick with curled hair.....the hopeful, earnest heart of a bride walking down the aisle, presenting herself to the one who will love her...

 

 

slain.

 

 

we reflect G-d in this manner. there are parts of Him in you men, and parts of Him in we ladies.

 

 

He waits, He yearns, He is jealous. have you looked up "jealous" in the dictionary? it means, literally, "intolerant of a rival".

 

 

your wife was CREATED to be intolerant of a rival, but you rubbed the harshest surface onto her silken spirit. you shredded her innocent question and longings to the MARROW.

 

 

there are no words to express how this feels. i am trying to condense the experience as best i can, and i find its impossible.

 

 

G-d says to us in james, "you are either FOR me or AGAINST me."

 

 

you have taught your wife that not only is she not lovely to you, but that you are against her.

 

 

G-d says, "choose ME, choose ME", over and over in His word. i cannot tell you how close i have become to my Lover, having experienced His ache and jealousy and heart. it is RAW, passionate, and tender.

 

 

we wives say, "choose me! choose me!"

 

 

but you did not choose her, you chose Other. look through the bible at the many, MANY stories that show the Lord's feelings about choosing Other. your wife is reflecting His heart. she is CRUSHED, broken, and sees you as a horrible messenger to her most vulnerable question.

 

 

"you are not lovely."

 

 

there is some good news....

 

 

there is a part two to the question, and we ladies are as wooed by this as we are by the former portion.

 

 

"am i lovely....WILL YOU FIGHT FOR ME???"

 

 

in your marriage, you taught your wife, you told her heart of hearts, "you are not lovely, i will not choose you, i will NOT fight for you."

 

 

i will not turn from Other, i will choose THEM over YOU. you are not worth my fight, my heart, my love. you are expendable. you are a piece of trash. i can toss you aside and betray you.

 

 

what is worse than ANYTHING, friend?

 

 

the wounds of an enemy? no! TREACHERY. this is the most horrible wound to suffer. to be betrayed by a friend. to know that your heart was not important, you were not cherished, respected, fought for, REMEMBERED.....

 

 

your wife is in so much pain, i cant even tell you.

 

 

mine became so intense, so deep, i died.

 

 

you are asking your wife to embrace her murderer. i cannot stress with enough emphasis how incredibly huge this is.

 

 

and i dont say it to condemn you. i am trying to help you to understand so that you can minister more effectively.

 

 

she needs to know she is LOVELY. she wont believe you think so. she just wont. she knows that she isnt enough to captivate you. you forgot her, threw everything precious about her aside, and betrayed her heart. she cannot fathom trusting you, and even DEEPER than trusting you wont "do it again", she cant get her needs met through you.

 

 

she cannot BELIEVE your answer to her question.

 

 

she is telling you about her question by relaying her exchanges with mr facebook. she is telling you, "HE thinks i'm lovely. so there. and furthermore, i think he is HOT. how does THAT feel???? how does it feel to not rank FIRST?? how does it feel to be compared? how does it feel to know you wont measure up???"

 

 

the good news is that she is TELLING you this.

 

 

if she had zero life for you, she wouldnt bother. believe me. i've been there. she would simply enjoy the attention and be silent. she wouldnt care to hurt you. she would be GONE.

 

 

she's clearly not.

 

 

you must know all these things. she is not unforgiving. she is DYING inside. she doesnt know how to fix what you broke. you already proved her wrong. you already told her she wasnt lovely.

 

 

its VERY hard to believe that she is, now. at least, to you. it is relieving to her, almost, to ask another man. he might tell her something she can believe, something that brings life to her heart. and she NEEDS that life.

 

 

you must be vigilant, consistent, and so, so sensitive.

 

 

she's ACHING. it WOULD have been easier had you died. that isnt an assault to her question. she could miss you then, grieve your involuntary departure.

 

 

you didnt involuntarily leave. you CHOSE OTHER. this is dEVASTATING!!

 

 

(can i use caps any more??? hahaha!! i hope you're getting how intense this is.)

 

 

friend, know that she is still alive to you. for you. but she is hurting so deeply and she does not KNOW how to get over this. it seems impossible. in order to "get over it" or "forgive you", she needs to detach to a certain degree, from your choices.

 

 

this seems an oxymoron to her heart. you ARE her heart. your DESIRE is her heart. how can she separate from this??

 

 

in song of solomon, the lover sings, "i am my beloved, and his desire is for ME"

 

 

it isnt even about what you did, exactly. it is about your DESIRE. your heart.

 

 

i dont care if my husband bites the bullet and doesnt take a "second look". i dont.

 

 

i care that he WANTS to. THAT kills me. if he WANTS to, i am already slain. so is the Lord. please read james four over and over. G-d is not after white-knuckling it. He wants our DESIRE. that we would be SO in love with Him, that Other would seem repulsive.

 

 

i want my husband to be fixed on me. CAPTIVATED.

 

 

in fact, you might want to go get that book. it is so amazing, actually....i wrote pages and pages about this very question, about longing for my husband's desire, about wanting to be CAPTIVATING...i used that EXACT word.....

 

 

and how this relates to the Lord and His huge passionate romantic love for us....

 

 

and a few months later, a friend emailed me: "have you read "captivating" by john eldredge?? its amazing!!"

 

 

i went out and got it, along with wild at heart.

 

 

and i couldnt believe it. i actually preferred the man's book (wild at heart) to the ladies one, but it was the most ENORMOUS confirmation to my heart. like one big love letter, straight to me. i knew then, without a doubt, that i had heard the Holy Spirit. i was understanding Him...and my own heart. i was in harmony with His love song to me.

 

 

your wife wants your DESIRE.

 

 

let this sink in.

 

 

obedience, yes. this is crucial, and this has its place. there is a time for rote obedience, for acting "as if"....

 

 

but ultimately, what we strive and long for is a relationship SO intimate, SO holy, SO close, our desire are ALIGNED with His. we WANT what He wants....all else looks wretched.

 

 

your wife CANNOT believe this about you. its not a choice. its a FACT. she may, in time, come to believe.

 

 

but she is so broken and hurt. she is clearly trying, she is open, she is struggling to mend, to believe, to hope, to "not take the treachery personally"....

 

 

but her reflection of her Creator is shining in her soul. she is WAILING inside.

 

 

please know that i am writing in a huge fury...i have to run...i have my daughter here, and i must fly....

 

 

but i read your post and i had to speak up. i hope i made SOME sense in my own whirl of emotion. i will clarify if you need, i will answer any questions....i will seek into my own heart and give you anything that will help you FIGHT for your bride and reassure her.

 

 

please believe my heart is for you. i hope this doesnt read as horribly accusatory or mean....i am truly, truly hoping to give you a peek into what is storming in her heart so that you CAN win her, heal her, and be a BALM to what is burning.

 

 

much love, friend.

 

 

draw your sword higher!!!! your beautiful maiden waits in her tower, and YOU can climb up there and free her!!!