Seeing the SUN

[princess]

Hi,

 

I am new to the boards-though have been reading the books and been on some conference calls though have not gotten to talk on them yet....

 

anyway, we have been married for 16 years-some ups but mostly downs, lots of fighting.... been going to several counseling places and Pastors over the years- to no avail. but this ministry has some huge differences and i feel is our last hope.

 

i have read some posts and articles, and am finally seeing the light... am starting to feel validated for all i have felt over the years...

 

Husband has been reading the books the last few weeks, some some changes immediately but also been major slip ups. This past monday he messed up bad by yelling at our children- to which i reacted and lost it on him. this in the midst of my physical pain and ailments sent me into a panic attack, from which i had another tonight. My pastor is trying to help me work through things- some thoughts he has are that i have held things in for so long, and now can see some hope but don;t want to hope because of it failing again--that i am just so stressed i am bringing on the attacks...

 

my husband listens and hears, but just doesn't get it sometimes- still think he doesn't have a clue that my body has had it- i just can't go through any more emotional turmoil- i am totally spent... and that i need more than one week with no major blowups. need to be talked to and listened to and cared for and help with kids and gentleness etc...

 

anyway-i was suggested to post and get started here...

[dory]

And we are SO glad you DID decide to post. This is a wonderful step in the right direction. Since you are in the WIfe's section, you are free to post ANYTHING that you need input on.

 

--that i am just so stressed i am bringing on the attacks...

 

Are you stressed? ABSOLUTELY. Are YOU bringing it on??? No. Don't even add that guilty thought to your burdens. Hubby does need to GET this. He seems to understand that your marriage is in trouble, he just doesn't realize how dire it is. Women are so strong physically when it comes to having babies, etc, etc. But when it comes to emotional loads, we ARE the weaker vessel. You CAN only take so much and it DOES tend to compound. For men, it seems to just disspiate. So often they just don't understand that we truly are at the END OF OUR ROPE.

 

Well hopefully, with you guys here and at hopefully at an intensive, he WILL GET the education he needs to realize the harm he has brought to his bride and his family. His family IS his ticket to eternity and immortality. As leader and protector, he should be gaurding it, treasuring it and nuturing it as his number one priority - not just using his home as a place to air his immaturity.

 

If he acted like this at work would he still have a job??? If he looked at porn or flew off the handle at some coworkers would they not kick him out the door? And yet he regards his family as more important than work folk? How much sense does that make?

 

Glad you are here. Time to help open your eyes and help strengthen your backbone to let him know enough is enough. He will become a better man for it!

[princess]

what is it?????? i so don't understand why he says one thing and does another? why keep lying to me right to my face? he keeps saying he will leave his electronic toys at work- but then as soon as we haven't had a blow-up in 2 days he thinks everything is fine and he can do what he wants? does not an agreement mean ANYTHING to him? where is any loyalty or integrity to walk as he says he wants to? why say it if you don't mean it? it would be better to just say- i am not going to do this and walk away than this constant barrage of lying. I OBVIOUSLY mean NOTHING when he knows I am so sick physically this week because of him and all he can do is be nice for a few days then go against all agreements we made regarding buying things, bringing laptops home, i-touch thinga ma jigs home- anything to keep on the internet...... and keep buying and keep lying to me......

 

ok- so i didn't bring it on- but what do i do now? i feel like i may end up in a hospital next time and i have 7 kids that i can't have that happen to? i want to be gone- like somewhere warm and happy with just my kids- and get healthy and i can't do it... why when God reveals something- shows that i need to get healthy- that things are not my fault- that i am justified in being so angry- is there not a solution????

[Judy]

This saying one thing and doing another is what the scriptures refer to as a "double-minded man." It's what we call arrested development.

 

He's rebelling against you because someone in his past told him to do something and he's been rebelling against ALL authority, all requests, all responsibility ever since.

 

Your role as his helpmeet is to help him grow up - I know not fun or even fulfilling! - by expressing your needs. "Honey when you spend time with the toys you bring home you're not spending time with me and the children and meeting our needs."

 

Only you can decide how long you can continue on this way. If he's in a relationship with Jesus Christ, reading J&K's books and this forum and making the right choices to heal your marriage then you continue being the helpmeet he needs.

 

BUT if he's not doing the above it's your decision time - this ministry is the fork in the road and you are within your rights to ask him to leave and to file for divorce. He is feeding death to your marriage and you and you can't continue on with your health issues living in this situation.

 

So search your own heart, are you responding to what he initiates? If he's not initiating you don't have anything to respond to. Also ask God what He wants you to do? Ask God to reveal what is in darkness and bring it to the light.

 

God's word tells us "I have set before you life and death, choose life so you can live." Deut 30:10. So it's his decision to choose life - for himself, for you, for your marriage, for your children, for your future together.

[Kay]

Hi there, Princess,

 

Welcome to the boards. I have just got myself caught up with your situation, and I was hoping to give you some encouragement.

 

My String is very long. Actually, that's the understatement of the year. Many woman read some of what I am going through, and think that I am crazy for still being here, trying. Some say that I have the patience of a Saint, and others just plain call me, Crazy. But, as hard as this is, I have to honestly say, that it is so worth it. I only wish that I would have found out about this Ministry years ago.

 

Your husband is a step ahead of where mine started out. HE WANTS this. He is more than teachable, he is posting and asking for help. THAT alone shows that he is willing to die to his carnal nature, and become a Man of God. This is one of the hardest parts of this Ministry, to get the guys to "buy into it" So many men, start reading the books and throw it across the room. Mine quit this program way too many times to count, which is why it has taken him so long to "get this" He simply wasn't being teachable. So, kudo's to him, for that.

 

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not trying to downplay your pain. He has a VERY Long way to go, and I will try to help him, along with others the best I can, but in all honesty, I prefer to help the woman. I can relate to So much of the pain that you are going through, because I experienced this for so long. My pain was burying for years. I had no idea just how much he has hurt me, until he started being "nice" and validating me. And, once I started venting, I couldn't stop. That is because one pain is connected to the next and next and next and next, and before you know it, the pain is all pouring out....... OMG I haven't cried this much in all 20 years plus that I have in the past year, but.......

 

Honey, it is coming out of me..... all that buried pain is finally getting released, and that is a good thing..... because for the first time in my life, I am actually starting to smile again. To enjoy life and count the blessings that I have.

 

I was where you are right now, about a year ago. I was so hurt and having anxiety attacks all the time, couldn't function, just wanted to lay in bed and not get up. But, with the help of so many wonderful people on this forum, I was finally able to get stronger, to face my pain, and to begin to be help-meet to that "child" husband of mine. Was it easy ? NO.

Was it tiring ? YES. but.........

 

so well worth it. I am healing a little bit each day. And, when he screws up, I don't fall apart like I used to. Do I get mad ?? YOU BET. but, I still function and I "give it to him" When he really starts backsliding, I pick up the phone, ( like I did the other night ) and I call JOEL or NEMO or someone who is willing to help, and he gets back on track.

 

He is finally starting to treat me good, to love me, honor me, and cherish me............ I am happier now than I have been in such a long long time.

I feel like a brand new person, and he , too, is beginning to smile again.

 

We fought all the time, our family was so dysfunctional. There IS hope for you. We are so glad that you are on the boards. Your marriage is worth it. Trust us, trust God. We won't let you down, because we are all angels working for God's Glory to fix broken Marriages, and to teach each other how to love again.

 

((( hugs )))

Kay

[JoelandKathy]

Husband has been reading the books the last few weeks, some some changes immediately but also been major slip ups. This past monday he messed up bad by yelling at our children- to which i reacted and lost it on him.

 

Woa... first things first.

 

Let's work on getting him to be a good husband, FIRST!

 

In the chapter on helpmeet, we ask a wife to "help" her husband with two out of three things that he needs to grow and change in, in the beginning.

 

It was three or four YEARS after Life Skills that I realized that I needed to beging to grow and change in relationship to how I dealt with the children.

 

Yes, I was severely arrested in my development - and we did not have any ongoing help, so our struggle was elongated more than what it could have been if we had three weekly calls and a forum etcetera.

 

Kathy and I have had to "rescue" each other through the years with the children. I would yell at the kids and she would say, "Joel, you are jumping to conclusions" - and I would often apologize to the kids.

 

When Kathy would "flip out" at the kids, I would "rescue" her by saying, "Kathy, I will take over from here" - and I would pick up with what she was trying to accomplish.

 

Don't come unglued if your husband yells at the kids. Apologize for that - but tell him that you must be "empowered" to say to him, "Stop yelling NOW" and he MUST be willing to IMMEDIATELY stop. Then you need to be prepared to work with him if the kids do need disciplined - so that they don't get away with murder, simply because dad and mom are toddlers! (smile)

 

Maturing, while at the same time raising children, is a daily process of growth. You two need to work together to help each other.

 

Your prescription: Get hubby and you on the calls - we have one in five minutes - Thanksgiving night.

 

Both of you keep reading.

 

Get scheduled for an intensive.

 

Someone mentioned porn. Is he into porn? We will help you to be sure that is eliminated when you two are working with us on the calls and intensive.

[princess]

Clarification---I am dealing with first things first..... here is another part of the story--i am new to this board/forum thing and replaying stories through typing is not my strong point....

 

He yelled at children- i then got very upset and asked him to stop- to leave them alone, and don't take any frustration on them-- HE THEN TOOK UP FIGHTING WITH ME for like the next hour--- on and on screaming and blaming me for everything--AGAIN>>> his anger was all about me and his words were that it was all (not the kids but anything else he could find to pick me apart on) my fault- it was all no responsibility for him- and all blame for me-- it really had nothing else o do with the children-- other than it was a spark for me and i asked him to stop-- because i asked him to stop- he then lashed at me abot anything and everything he could think of- as usual ....

 

i kept using the 'code' words we had to have him stop the screaming and anger-- but he wouldn't stop..... started the manipulation, would n't let me leave the room to get away from his screaming---on and on and on---

 

i hope this is making things clearer.....

 

BTW- he was on the call thanksgiving night-- he said that he talked to people (Joel and others) about homeschooling.....

 

Also--THANK YOU ALL FOR the encouragement- it really is amazing to know others have walked through this to the other side....

 

 

regarding some things Kay said-- it has opened my eyes immensely to read the books and be on many of the calls--yet has opened up so much MORE pain at the same time-- i can't explain it but.. like being validated and knowing I CAN BE angry for all this TORTURE is an OK thing??? makes me glad but opens up wounds? am i saying it right?

 

i still walk on eggshells- because the pattern here is "he can blow at any time for any thing" so i and the children tread very cautiously--ALL THE TIME> but i am learning that I don't have to and not because he is making it safe for us but because my eyes are opened. like i realize now- we should be having s*x because it is a good thing and we want to and love each other-- not because i am scared to death of him creating an all night fight because it didn't happen exactly and perfectly and demandingly as he played out in his mind--- which leads me to the p*rn.....

 

His battle with p*rn has been less frequent on the computer over the years- it was at one time VERY FREQUENT... but has come down to every 2 months maybe---- but that is what i know of-- who really knows but him... he is a computer guy- works on internet all day-- has a filter on computers at home to block things, has covenant eyes on his laptop to make me think it is all good- but i don't even know all the sites to look for, and i know he knows how to remove the filter on the home computers (because of his computer geeky side) so i assume he knows how to remove covenant eyes also....

 

he also has a side of him though- that although the p*rn viewing is less- is is so engrained in him is other ways-- that he can demand and expect from me things that he has viewed and all without any meeting of my emotional (or physical) needs....

 

ugh and sigh....

 

ok- thats it for now...

[JoelandKathy]

Thank you for the more details.

 

That was a horrid day that you had - and we would have recommended that you kick him out of the home for less!

 

I do recall talking to him - but don't recall his name.

 

Make sure he gets on the calls - all three of them for a while! Bring up the fact that he does these "explosions" - that is unnacceptable. You cannot live in fear of what and how he is going to respond.

 

There is a good article in the "men who are working to win their wife's heart back" section that is titled something like: "All bad husbands read this" - it has a great article on porn.

 

Covenant eyes: If YOU have the password - and HE does NOT know what it is, then it should be fine.

 

IF HE KNOWS THE PASSWORD, then he can call the company; uninstall it, then simply reinstall it later.

 

You can call the company and ask them to look in their customer care log, if they have one, and see if it has been uninstalled.

 

As far as I know, he cannot "get around" covenenant eyes as far as where he goes on the internet.

 

When they send you the reports, you simply visit the sites that they said were "questionable."

 

HOW SOON CAN YOU TWO COME TO AN INTENSIVE????

 

You have what, seven kids? You must, asap, get this marriage to be happy - or you are going to be "sowing" a bunch of messed up kids into the world!

 

This Thursday, someone else will be conducting the call - until about 11:30 pm eastern time - since we are doing an Intensive - but when we get on, speak up, be sure hubby is on, and remind me about this forum conversation - that your husband was the one who yelled at the kids and then, when you objected, he then turned on you, terrorizing you for an hour or longer.

 

We did talk about his need to "listen" to you - so let us know how he does this week. If he yells at the kids, and you think that he is wrong - then tell him to stop again - and let's see if he can stop himself.

 

If he keeps going - then ask, "Didn't Joel tell you to drop it and apologize to the kids if I tell you that you are wrong and should not be yelling?"

 

Something like that.

 

Your husband can change. Right place. Right time. This will be easy - IF we can get you guys to an intensive. If we go just the books and phone call route, your husband will take a lot longer - but he will still change. The problem is that he may drop out and quit if you guys don't get to an intensive asap.

 

How about THIS Thursday?

[Celia]

Hey there, how's it going? If there is something you need clarification on or your husband is not being truthful in anyway please let us know. As the both of you seek help we can guide you and get through to your husband if he is not doing his part.

[princess]

o- he keeps asking why i don't post.

 

I don't have time to keep track of all the garbage i receive from him, let alone post it all.

 

he says- go ahead and vent- i will listen, and then it is manipulation, pouts, justifications and anger from him. ok- so that didn't work.

 

he says he will try to heal me, but only after he lets me know that bringing healing to me means he has to let go of all the things he holds near and dear- friends ministry, computer, facebook, evangelizing, and how much it hurts him--blah blah blah. ok- so that didn't work either.

 

he says how can i fix this situation, and i tell him, but then it is turned around and twisted, and he just says nevermind- to be safe i won't have anything to do with it at all.--well that is just WIMPY, instead of doing what i ask, he just says nevermind- i will avoid the whole situation. THAT IS NOT WHAT I ASKED. ok- so that didn't work either- looks like 3 strikes to me.

 

does he pray -NO! does he tell me anything good about myself-NO! does he work towards resolve-NO! he has gotten better on helping around the house yes-- but he thinks since he is still living here, and there are relations between us at times- that all is good.

 

 

what i want to know is- what is the stupid matter with me to just keep hanging out here? is all this garbage worth me not having to go to work so i can be with my kids? they are a mess anyway so staying together isn't helping them.

 

WHAT THE HECK!!!!!

 

buying tickets to an intensive, being on mens calls reading the books over and over, listening to the books over and over, reading the forums, buying more old conference calls... etc etc etc etc....none of that is any good when he still won't listen to me or do anything PROACTIVE to win me. just thinks, well we haven't had a big fight in a couple weeks, so all must be good. there is no going forward, just being idle and since nothing has explosively hit the fan it must all be good right???????

 

WRONG!!!!!!!

 

i am getting stronger and yet madder, more validated and more strong in resolve that my life will not be like this for long. i KNOW GOD has more for me and i will get there sooner than later- with or without my husband. actually sooner without him, but how fast can i get out of this total mess??????

[Celia]

buying tickets to an intensive, being on mens calls reading the books over and over, listening to the books over and over, reading the forums, buying more old conference calls... etc etc etc etc....none of that is any good when he still won't listen to me or do anything PROACTIVE to win me. just thinks, well we haven't had a big fight in a couple weeks, so all must be good. there is no going forward, just being idle and since nothing has explosively hit the fan it must all be good right???????

 

Dear princess, thanks so much for taking time to tell us what you were feeling. I know its painful and frustrating to no end. Your right all this stuff is worthless if your HUSBAND IS NOT PROACTIVE. I'm sorry he is putting all of it on you. We can't see what is truly going on unless you tell us. All we know is what he says. Please don't feel like we take his side. He has alot of work to do no doubt. The point of the forum and all is to hear from you. You are his meter to how he is treating you.

[Judy]

o- he keeps asking why i don't post.

I don't have time to keep track of all the garbage i receive from him, let alone post it all.

he says- go ahead and vent- i will listen, and then it is manipulation, pouts, justifications and anger from him. ok- so that didn't work.

he says he will try to heal me, but only after he lets me know that bringing healing to me means he has to let go of all the things he holds near and dear- friends ministry, computer, facebook, evangelizing, and how much it hurts him--blah blah blah. ok- so that didn't work either.

he says how can i fix this situation, and i tell him, but then it is turned around and twisted, and he just says nevermind- to be safe i won't have anything to do with it at all.--well that is just WIMPY, instead of doing what i ask, he just says nevermind- i will avoid the whole situation. THAT IS NOT WHAT I ASKED. ok- so that didn't work either- looks like 3 strikes to me.

does he pray -NO! does he tell me anything good about myself-NO! does he work towards resolve-NO! he has gotten better on helping around the house yes-- but he thinks since he is still living here, and there are relations between us at times- that all is good.

what i want to know is- what is the stupid matter with me to just keep hanging out here? is all this garbage worth me not having to go to work so i can be with my kids? they are a mess anyway so staying together isn't helping them.

WHAT THE HECK!!!!!

buying tickets to an intensive, being on mens calls reading the books over and over, listening to the books over and over, reading the forums, buying more old conference calls... etc etc etc etc....none of that is any good when he still won't listen to me or do anything PROACTIVE to win me. just thinks, well we haven't had a big fight in a couple weeks, so all must be good. there is no going forward, just being idle and since nothing has explosively hit the fan it must all be good right???????

WRONG!!!!!!!

i am getting stronger and yet madder, more validated and more strong in resolve that my life will not be like this for long. i KNOW GOD has more for me and i will get there sooner than later- with or without my husband. actually sooner without him, but how fast can i get out of this total mess??????

 

I haven't been on the forums much lately so I haven't seen this post until now - thanks for sending it.

You did a great job of expressing yourself, maybe jumbled to you but this is typical of a wife who has been beaten down constantly. I feel your pain and frustration!

 

You're scheduled for an Intensive in a few weeks so hang in there until then - either a miracle will happen or you will have direct sign that your husband is incapable of changing - so at least give this a chance.

Let him know this is the last chance, the fork in the road, the turning point or else!

God doesn't want you and your children living in this confusion - His plan for you is abundant life!

You'll know how fast you can get out of the mess after the Intensive.

[dory]

do husbands who walk this road in cycles ever break them? seems like the testimonies I have seen of men who get free and learn to walk out loving their wives and grow up-go forth and do it. and those that have always walked in cycles continue to do so... do those who have walked in cycles ever break free?

 

Mine broke free, Kay's is still cycling. Some never even come to the table to eat. Nemo cycled a little bit, but I had to stay strong and call him on the carpet. this will happen at first - as we are all human. And YES it hurts like the dickens! But as time wears on, the new "habits" of servanthood take over the old bad habits inside your new man and he becomes real (I.e. grown up).

 

It all depends on how teachable they are. And many need a bonifide crisis to bring them to that teachable place. This is how arrested development works... and is conquered.

[princess]

ok- so an apology is supposed to go like this????

 

" For 40 years my brain chemicals have been altered because of the sin I have been involved in and now ALL OF A SUDDEN I have to stop?! This dying to self is SOOOOOO HARD" whine pout, etc etc....

 

then "I am sorry for trying to make amends!!!!" with harsh tone added...

 

tell me--WHEN DO THEY GET ANYTHING????? and more so..

 

WHEN DO I WAKE UP THAT THIS WON"T CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

cuz then i fly off the handle like a raging lunatic- ask my kids they all ran.......

[Celia]

I'm soo sorry his actions continue to stomp on your heart. Is there anything he is doing right?

 

Just tell him not to speak if can't do it in a loving way. I know you can't help yourself when he pushes you over the edge. Don't feel guilty. When you and him talk do it where the kids are not present.

[Celia]

I hope the info in this link helps you in anyway.

 

http://www.joelandkathy.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=1423

[princess]

ok- how do we define working to win wife's heart? seems that the definition over here is" reading the books, going to intensive, being on calls, etc" is enough- even if the principles are not anything close to consistent. one good day makes him think everything is OK!!

 

is not being together every night--- an excuse for him to sleep somewhere else? or get separated? he says if he can't be with me then he needs to leave and go somewhere else. how is that making me first? i KNOW the books say to meet wife's emotional needs first, then relations. WHY IS IT ALWAYS ABOUT THE S*X!!!! if he has it he is fine for a day- then all stuff hits the fan again if HIS WANTS not fulfilled....

 

i know this is textbook per J/K books and arrested devolpment- i know i am just venting-- i know there are no quick answers here.....

 

now have a 15 year old acting just like his dad----

 

WHY AM I SOOO STUPID?????

 

 

sooooo had it----- intensive this weekend- all i am looking forward to is some warmer weather!!! (10 degrees here and all ice and snow).

 

 

SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Kay]

Princess,

 

Try to handle him with kid gloves until he gets to the Intensive. Joel and Kathy will knock that sense into him. The warmth IS something to look forward to, but getting your Miracle is going to happen, too.

 

Don't beat yourself up. Just turn him over to God !

 

Hang in there,

praying for you,

Kay

[princess]

GREAT INTENSIVE!!

 

wow and WOW- so enlightening and hopeful- and empowering! I am in AWE of Joel and Kathy and their wisdom and openness to share.

 

It was a good weekend, and we have had a good day yesterday. Can't wait to see what the fruit will be as this walks out!

 

(that one good day has made my husband decide we should move to the "couples working together page"-GO FIGURE!)

 

Amazing that the hope alone can carry you through a day. I thank GOD for this ministry and CAN'T WAIT till I can tell everyone what a powerful tool it has been for us to be who, what, and where God wants us and wants for us and our family!

 

Now to walk out and heal from the pain -- even yesterday though i was fine with my husband- i was just so angry all day-must be residual huh? Like every child that did something wrong, was I just steaming!!

 

can i change the subject of my thread somehow?

 

Thanks everyone!

 

princess

[Celia]

Hey princess, so glad to hear from you. It brings joy to my heart to hear how you were blessed. Let us know what you want to change the title to and we can do that.

 

Excited to see what's to come as your husband steps up to the plate more and more.

[Judy]

how do we know when to move our thread to the couples working together area? How do i know the difference between i am having a good day, and he is healing my heart, and he has healed my heart.?

thanks!

 

You can say a couple who is working together when the husband understands these teachings and is daily trying to apply them to his marriage and heal his wife's heart in all areas. When he is becoming Christ-like in his actions and attitudes to his wife, his family, his church family and his job. When he is daily spending time in God's Word and applying it by becoming the man that God has called him to be.

 

Ultimately it's your decision as a wife when he's getting it (or not). You won't feel wonderful 100% of the time all day long - but when the good feelings out weigh the bad times you're well on your way.

 

The difference between he IS healing and he HAS healed is totally up to you and how much love you're receiving from him on a daily consistent basis.

It sounds like you're beginning to receive healing but you recall that it takes about 3 years to complete the entire process and then it has to be lived out the rest of your lives...

But you can begin living outrageiously, excessively happy right now!

 

We can move your topic to the couples working together section just as soon as you like! Just let me know...

And congratulations!

[princess]

Things have been going really well since the intensive. There is so much paradigm shifting that needs to take place, for both of us, since the whole "homeschooling" movement has taught us such heresy... (wow-great fruit that teaching has produced --TOTAL sarcasm there)...BUT>>>>

 

I am getting it- because I knew all along in my mind that there must be something wrong with all that teaching... AND>>>

 

He is getting it!!! Though he admits he is not there theologically yet-- he is seeing the fruit of walking out these new principles. How can you argue with that now eh?

 

When I read the books in October/November- it was just HUGE for me. The validation was just ENORMOUS and I cried for weeks.... the whole knowing that I wasn't a mental case- that what i knew all along inside was really truth... was so life-changing. All I could do was cry and vent and yell for weeks.... and most of the time he took it very well...

 

He wasn't getting it yet though- or maybe he was but it was too slow for me- or I was in SOOO Much pain that i couldn't see it....

 

even 1 week before the intensive i had in my mind that since he had read ALL the books (J/K, Nair, Hegstrom), been on the mens calls for 1 or 2 months, been on the evening calls, and the forum- and wasn't getting it yet... that there was NO hope!!!

 

When I got validated, i needed him to change NOW!!! I have seven children that I homeschool, and I was done- he was with the program or NOT. I did not (in my mind) and honestly DO NOT, have time for years of a snails pace of walking this out. IT is ALL or NOTHING!! And I can legitimately say that because I know HE CAN DO THIS!!

 

The INTENSIVE WAS THE BEST THING EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Though I think I got it before then, it was JUST WHAT HE NEEDED. I honestly don't understand why- why I can read a book and get it, and it takes him MONTHS of reading listening, men pouring into him on the calls and boards (thank you MEN!!) and then finally an INTENSIVE weekend for him to see things the way they really are- i don't understand but we are on THIS SIDE NOW!!!

 

We live in upstate New York- it has been cloudy and gloomy and a just awful winter-- I have been depressed allllllll winter... but I am seeing the SUN!!!!

 

I cannot believe how easy it is to RESPOND when he INITIATES!!!!! I can't believe I have feelings and eagerness for this man that a week ago I was done with. and ladies--this is where you can tell me if I am just being too vulnerable, because boy- I do not want that now do i!!! get too much hope and crash again!!!

 

We both feel that maybe God is leading us to move-- that we need a tearing to make all things new. One woman at the intensive who renewed her vows, got new rings and i was a bit surprised and she said "that old man is gone, this is new and I don't want any of the old anymore" I SO GET THAT!!! It was a life changing moment for me!!! I have always relied on friends and family to help me through life- since I never had him, not only that but now I understand he was my source of DEATH- and everyone around me had to carry me!! So moving scares me- but I really have HOPE that this is GOD, and we can finally be our own family!! and have FUN!!!!!! that is huge for us, we have never had fun,and I am ready to have FUN!!! I cannot get back my youth, and have felt- well now i am close to 40 , i am getting old- better start acting old... but i saw the FUN in Joel and Kathy and I WANT that!!

 

So now I feel ....drained??? I am not sure how to describe it. I am sensing peace and comfort when he is around, and maybe that means I am starting to really let down?? but, or because when he is gone, i am frustrated and exhausted- especially with the children. I now feel so emotionally drained- like the adrenaline that i have been running on to fight with him, is gone.. which i am guessing is a good thing for him and I, but when he leaves for work for the day, I have NOTHING to give my children, so I end up being short and frustrated..... does this make any sense?????

 

ok ladies--feel free to straighten me out here!!

 

 

 

 

Blessings to you ALLLLLLL who help straighten out the rest of us!!!

 

OH- and I can't wait to shout about this ministry from the ROOFTOPS!!! ::clap

 

 

~~princess

[Celia]

Hey princess, I'm so happy for you. What you are feeling is completely normal. When your husband is around he needs to help you with the kids so your frustration doesn't come out on them. Find ways to lighten your load. Meals that all you have to do is throw in the oven or microwave. Take time for yourself ect... Here is quote I found from Joel.

 

The feeling exhausted: For your wife; Picture this: You get an offer to earn one million dollars if you accomplish something alone, and in thirty days, that is virtually impossible for one person to do alone. However, you WANT that million dollars. So, for thirty days, you are living on adrenaline. Virtually getting no sleep. Living on caffeine and herbal stimulants, pushing yourself to exhaustion.

 

At the end of the thirty days, you are STILL pumping, up until the last minute. Everyone comments about how much energy you have and how they are amazed that you are getting the project done. You are indeed flooded with adrenaline because you MUST get this done.

 

However, on day 31, you cannot move. The requirement is over. You are a basket case. Sheer exhaustion overtakes you. You get physically sick and lay in bed for days with others having to do simple things for you like just bringing food to you. You are too tired to even go to the bathroom, but you force yourself to do that bare minimum. Outside of that, you cannot do anything but close your eyes, maybe watch TV, and in essence, hide from everyone and anyone. You need to be taken care of until you recover your strength. That strength comes back, slow but sure - as you RECOVER.

 

This is why a wife collapses emotionally when her husband finally starts to GET this message. She has been living on adrenaline, defending herself against the onslaught of the "death" that a husband has been forcing upon her and the marriage for years.

 

The church has told her to do nothing but pray, submit and respect; and she has had to live on adrenaline; just to survive.

 

When she feels safe, boom. She is a basket case. Why? For exactly the same reason we described in the illustration. She melts down emotionally (often) and a husband must take care of her until she RECOVERS.

 

How long this process takes depends on a number of factors.

 

1. How safe is the husband really? If he is faltering, then she is in limbo; stuck in a very unsafe world of needing to crash, but having to keep on living on adrenaline half the time to protect herself.

 

2. How does the husband handle this period of time when she crashes? If he handles it well, the time passes quickly.

 

3. If a husband does his job well, then some wives are stuck with residual anger, bitterness etc. (this can be very deep, depending on how many years she was mistreated.) This wife has to face these things on her own and work through them as she recovers. She deals with these things by forcing herself to begin responding positively to her husband as we describe in the books.

 

4. If a husband says, "my wife has been on a crash for two weeks; isn't SHE supposed to get healed faster?" then, well, you just sent her back to square one!

 

We DO NOT WANT A WIFE to hold onto anger, bitterness, unforgiveness. However, we cannot determine the amount of time it takes for her to feel safe enough to be able to drop the gaurd. We don't know how safe her husband truly is.

 

In three and a half years, we have only found ONE wife, who CLAIMED to want a healing in the marriage; and who did not do her part in the process.

 

Your wife wants the marriage. She wants the healing. She will be fine, if you continue to PROVE to her that you are safe.

_________________

[princess]

ok- bad gone to worse last few days.....

 

can you just delete my above post that anything good would come?

 

Thanks.

[Eeyore]

We have not been to an Intensive yet, but I have read that there is often a "back-slide" once things are going well. I am expecting that it will happen to us, too, and am not sure how I will handle it.

But don't give up, okay?

Do you want to share any details about what is going on?