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Last summer I gave my husband Joel and Kathy's books, he listened to four chapters or less and rejected their ideas.

Recently I asked him to go to an intensive and he refused, I will try again.

We have been married 22 years and anytime I bring up a relationship problem he finds a way to make it all my fault. I have felt guilty for a long time, until eight years ago when I discovered his internet girlfriends. I realized that a man capable of carrying on with other women like that -- lying to his wife while leaving her at home alone many nights with four young children so he could chat on his office computer with his girlfriends-- was probably a big part of the marriage problems.

We went to counseling briefly after his indiscretions were revealed but he refused to go back because he felt the counselor only listened to me.

In the past year I have caught him lying about what he is doing on the computer and he say he has to lie because I am impossible to please.

 

Recently when I told my husband that I was having trouble with our son being disrespectful toward me and that it was probably encouraged by the way he sees his dad treat me. My husband proceeded to give me a lecture on how "unrespectable" I am. In the past I might have argued back but now I just let him go and don't respond. I might also mention that as bad as he says I am he is fine with me home schooling our children and offers little help at times.

 

Last year I was on a mentoring call and was given the advice to get trusted friends to help me approach him about change and going to an intensive. I have talked with a couple that we have been friends with for over 20 years and they are willing to help, but how?

Also there is a couple in our church I might be able to go to for help.

My husband is a pastor as well as his friend that I have asked for help.

I am afraid of causing the church harm in all of this. Yet I see the possibility for so much good to come from positive change in our marriage.

 

I have to admit that at this point I am bitter and disgusted, really the only reason I want to make the marriage work is for our children to have two parents in the same home. My husband has also been saying he has been putting up with my garbage for over 20 years and he doesn't know how much longer he can take it.

 

There is so much more, but these are the basics.

Any good advice?

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Welcome to J&K's marriage boards JJ!

You've come to the right place for help for your marriage.

 

Since you have the books and he will not read them you need to take the next step.

Please do not be afraid of causing the church harm in revealing your pastor/husband's sins!!! He is already causing pain and confusion it just hasn't all been brought to light yet.

 

The thing is that he has to make a choice to apply these biblical principals to your marriage - God's word Deut 30:10 - tells us to choose life so ultimately it's his choice your marriage/life or his girlfriends/death.

 

You owe it to yourself and the church to bring to light your husband's sins and call him into accountability. If he refuses your next step is to file for divorce, ask your attorney to take him to the cleaners and go cold silent with him - making him guess what's going on and hopefully seeing the light!

 

You'll find other women here who have walked this path before you and they will help you along the journey.

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Get him on a call with Joel. Since he is a pastor, Joel can get through to him.

Here is a quote of steps to take. since you already gave him the books then that step would not be needed.

 

 

Welcome to the forum!

 

Your situation needs addressed with a pretty simple pattern that you will find repeated numerous times throughout this section of the forum.

 

Be sure to read a lot of articles in the forum to learn these approaches - a good topic to look at is the Pure In Heart topic.

 

Here are the steps in a nutshell:

 

1. The easy route: Give him the book to read (the first volume, The Man of Her Dreams/The Woman of His!). Get on the group calls and put it on speaker phone or ask him to listen in on an extension phone. (number and times are on the itinerary page at www.GodSaveMyMarriage.com)

 

If he does these things, then we and you continue to nurture him along, one step at a time.

 

2. The hard route: If he refuses to cooperate with the easy route, you take him down the hard road (because he would refuse to read the book and get on calls - or starts to read and then rejects it.

 

WE HOPE that you do NOT have to take him down the hard road. The easy road is much more nice. Do not decide for him. Give him the book and dial the phone and ask him to listen in. You might be VERY surprised.

 

If he does reject the book and calls though, then you make the decision as to whether to take him down the hard road or not.

 

When a man refuses the easy route, a wife has only a couple options:

 

1. Follow the plan of taking him down the hard route, resulting in a changed man and a marriage restoration in most cases, or in some cases, resulting in the marriage ending.

 

2. Live in misery either for the rest of your days or until he decides to divorce you because he has a girlfriend and has moved out.

 

Some women do decide to stay in misery as they are too afraid to take the husband down the hard road.

 

Read the pure in heart post, and many other topics in this forum though to see the wonderful results of a wife taking a resistant hubby down the hard road.

 

The hard road IS FOR THE PURPOSE of restoration. We don't validate a wife just kicking her husband out (or divorcing if need be) for the purpose of being divorced. That is simply a second possible end result. The purpose of all of our advice is for an ultimate RESTORATION.

 

The only thing we cannot determine is this: Will he cooperate with the easy route? It is not fair for anyone to make that decision for him. So, give him the book and dial that phone in his presence. Also, use all of your female instincts and best efforts to lead him gently into reading the book and getting on the calls. This first nice approach should be done with lots of sugar and spice and everything nice.

 

We want to give him EVERY opportunity to participate in the recovery willingly.

 

Yes, if he does not "get" the message at first because you are being nice, you can certainly raise the volume so he knows there is a potential crisis brewing - but DO NOT THREATEN him about calling the police and kicking him out. DON'T threaten divorce.

 

Some women have a hard time kicking a husband out because they refuse to leave.

 

I was a disaster husband and Kathy never had to kick me out. I was WILLING to TRY. I messed up - and those were messy times - but I would repent and start again and assure her that I was not quitting.

 

If hubby reads the book and gets on the calls, that is the road you will walk to - and no, it is not easy. It is EXCRUCIATING for all involved. (Read some of Kay's topic for an example of this.)

 

It is only fair to give hubby that chance first though. if you gave him the nice option and he rejects it, then you are not being mean - you are giving him what HE has chosen.

_________________

Love and Blessings!

 

Joel of Joel and Kathy

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Thanks for your replies.

He will not willingly talk to Joel so how would I arrange that, or should I even try?

Maybe I could try the books again, or maybe see what our friends might be willing to do to talk with him.

I need to do something.

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Judy... "ask your attorney to take him to the cleaners".... Why is this how all the "helpers" respond? I've seen several versions of the same "get as much money as you can and give him as little visitation as you can get away with".... sounds like revenge to me.

 

David,

If you're at all familiar with this ministry you will know that this is what it takes to wake up a man to what he is loosing.

It is not about revenge but about restoration.

It is also against policy for men to post in the women's sections.

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David,

Are you JJ's husband?

 

Did you read the post before, did you see how Joel and Kathy recommend a woman get the books to her husband, and support him if he chooses to read the books and start walking this road of growth and healing?

 

Since you cannot post in the women's section.....would you please post in the men's section and see if we can help?

The people here are not about revenge, we are all for happy, restored marriages.

 

I hope to see a thread from you in the men's section.

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JJ! Boy am I glad you are here...

Please read the stickies 'When it is not God's will to stand for a marriage', 'God brings wife back out on top' and 'why does a wife get so very bitter', above.

I am sorry your h doesn't want to read the books or talk to Joel. He could truly turn thins around if he would choose to and you could both have benefit from an OHM! Please, please follow the advice you get here. No matter if his fellow pastors side with him.

We care about you and are here to walk you through.

In His Love,

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Hi JJ -

 

I don't mind adding a couple steps to the plan for you:

 

Go to hubby and simply say,

 

"We have serious marriage issues. Don't you think we should DO something about this? I have been looking further into The Man of Her Dreams/The Woman of His! - That husband was a Pastor who had serious issues and God brought him out of it. It is not God's plan for us to live in misery - and these people can help us. Let's read their books again and go to an intensive." Use all of your wifely charm and encouragement - again, in a nice approach, but firm.

 

 

Second, if this fails, go to the elders or overseer of the church. Have a private meeting and lay it out. Your husband is having internet affairs. He is not being a good husband. He is not MAYBE having internet affairs - he IS having internet affairs. Explain to them that you found a ministry that helps Pastors like him to recover. (Is your church a "black" church? if so, we can refer them to a "black led" church in Texas who sent their pastor here to live for two and a half months for recovery. He is not back in the pulpit, out of the affairs and doing well in being a husband.)

 

If this gets turned upside down on you - which it might - and if your husband gets things turned around against you - then proceed to the attorney step.

 

DO NOT threaten divorce through any of this. If you have to make that move. simply make it.

 

We also recommend, in most cases, if an elder board or overseers rejects a wife in your shoes - that you begin to expose your husband to the long term members. They need to leave his church.

 

However - this is only if he rejects the first couple "nice" steps. (We consider the second step of approaching the elders or overseers as a nice step still.)

 

We will be happy to get you in contact with the Pastors wife whose husband came here for the two and a half months.

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BTW - always remember, at every step - the purpose is for restoration. Your husband will bust hell wide open if he were to die today (unless he is a "once saved always saved Baptist") - I am being tongue in cheek - not starting a doctrinal debate about salvation.

 

Back to my thought - if you can turn your husband around, using the strategies that we teach - and he finds a place of true repentance, then you will have saved him from hell, if I am reading my bible correctly. (Many will say unto me, "Lord, Lord.. I love you..." - Depart from me, I never knew you.)

 

If someone does not agree with this doctrine, no problem. Something bad will happen if it is not hell! Maybe there is some "level" of heaven where a confessing Christian who stays in outright sin will go that is not hell - but Jesus won't be there? I don't believe that - but if someone wants to believe once saved, always saved, regardless of lifestyle - then I am not going to argue the point. We can agree to disagree on that.. but Jesus meant SOMETHING by his statement to those who serve him but are working iniquity without repentance.

 

Irregardless of the salvation doctrine - you doing this right can be the key to your husband's repentance and restoration to the Lord. If you just "stand and pray" or if you start "threatening" divorce without acting - then he will never change. However, do this right, and you could truly lead him out odf his deception and into repentance - then we can teach him to be a great husband.

 

By the way - do you have access to his e-mail account and cell phone? Do you have any passwords? It would be nice for you to obtain copies of some of the conversatons he is having. Try googling names that you think he might be using in cyberspace and see if you can find him on dating sites, etcetera. It is good to have "proof" for the overseers or elders. You don't need proof for yourself - what you have already presented is fact enough of what is going on. However, for the elders or overseers to come down on him, they will want something in black and white. Do you have access to cell phone records?

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Joel and Kathy

I had to laugh at your "once saved..." comment : )

 

Thank you for the simple, direct steps to take.

I will try the first one tonight and if that doesn't work then go to the next.

 

What difference might it make whether I go to the elders of the church or to our friends for help? I have spoken with our friends (a couple we have known over 20 yrs) and they are very supportive of me and not so surprised at the problem. My thought is to use them to get him to go for help, maybe avoiding going to the church.

 

As far as access to his email, cell phone records and passwords I have none.

Also I am not good with computers. I do have some history that I printed out last year that he says is not his. (He used our home computer one night which is very rare) It isn't strongly condemning and I can't prove it is his. (Although who else would it belong to?)

I don't have any recent solid evidence.

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Here is JJ's original letter to us that adds a few more details:

 

Joel and Kathy

A couple of weeks ago I talked with Joel on the phone about

attending and intensive. I have asked my husband to go and told him

it was all I wanted for Christmas.

 

At this point he has said no but

I am not giving up. Also I know our 19 yr old daughter is telling

him it is a good idea. His excuse so far is that we do not share

your "charismatic" theology and he thinks you two are in this for the

attention it brings.

 

I strongly disagree with the second point, I

sense your passion for helping people. As for the "charismatic" part

that isn't important to me.

 

 

I gave your books to one of our pastor

friends to look over and he said the principles are good and

basically agree with our faith. My husband and the friend are

pastors in the same denomination. The main principles are so logical

and explain things that have never made sense to me in our marriage.

As I reread the books I find so many things that help me understand

and want change more than ever.

 

Last summer I was on one of the conference calls on a Monday or

Tuesday. I was given the advice to go to trusted friends to help get

my husband involved in an intensive and using your principles.

 

That is why I have talked to and given your books to our friend. My

question for you is how can I involve our friend and his wife most

effectively without it looking like an attack? ( Ha! funny me,

anything I do or say looks like an attack.) What I am most concerned

about is not harming the relationship that the men have and at the

same time being direct and to the point. Any good ideas? You're the

pros.

 

Also there is a couple in our church that I think I am willing to go

to if need be although that scares me a little more because I want to

protect his reputation or not cause any waves, I guess that is why

this has gone on so long (22 yrs.)

 

For years I believed him when he said our problems were because of

me. When I discovered his internet girlfriends eight years ago I

came to understand that a man who can carry on relationships with

women like that and lie to his wife is probably a large part of the

marriage problems. He continues to say that if I would change our

marriage would be so much better. He continues to lie to me when it

serves his purpose because he says I am too demanding and difficult

to please. For instance last year I caught him messaging a female

name on myyearbook.com, he said he had to lie to me because he knew

 

I would overreact. You bet I overreacted when I realized he lied.

Just told him that I can't trust him at all if he lies once, it is

his job to prove to me that he is trustworthy. He said that I am

impossible to satisfy as far as his internet activity. Hmmm wonder

why, could it be that it's because he is a liar!

 

At this point I am very bitter and disgusted, really the only

reason I want the relationship to work is for our four children. He

has stated that he has just about taken all of me that he can so he

sounds like he is near the breaking point too. Our oldest daughter

told him he has four good reasons to make the marriage work. He has

committed to be nicer.

 

What advice do you have for me --other than resorting to filing for

divorce-- especially concerning using our friends to get the message

across?

 

Thank you for taking time to read this. Writing out all of this has

helped see some things a little more clearly.

 

In Christ,

JJ

 

P.S. I have been praying for your family each day since the passing

of your daughter, Shekinah. I pray in the name of Jesus that the

lies and deception of Satan would be bound from your family and that

God would reveal his will and way to each of you- Joel, Kathy, Chris,

Jenifer and Josiah.

 

 

You would not have been overreacting about him communicating privately with females even if he had NOT lied! It is completely unnacceptable for a married man or woman to have private communications with someone of the opposite sex. Period.

 

Affairs ONLY can happen ONE way - private communications by a married person to someone of the opposite sex whom they are not married to.

 

No private communications? No affairs. Period. It is impossible.

 

Yes, a person can hire a prostitute for a one night stand - but an emotional affair/leading to sex can ONLY happen with private communications.

 

We don't accept ANY excuses, from men OR women: If a married man or woman is conducting private communications with someone of the opposite sex under ANY guise - it is unnacceptable. It does not matter if it is a boss, an employee, a customer, an old high school "friend" - nothing. There is to be NO private conversations, texts, e-mails etcetera. (Yes, there are certain BUSINESS ONLY communications that must take place in some circumstances - but the spouse had better have FULL access to monitoring these and the conversations had better NEVER get on a personal level. Period.

 

Sadly, men understand this better than women. Men KNOW that they are conducting these "friendships" to get the woman into bed ultimately. Women get deceived into actually believing that it is "just" a friendship - until she falls in love and then it is too late.

 

Okay... off of the soapbox now.

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Precious Sister in Christ,

 

Hang in there and take the step by step process Joel and Kathy have counseled here. Whether or NOT your husband will come around to God's truth about marriage is yet to be seen but doing nothing at all will lead exactly to a place called NOWHERE in your marriage and family. I know b/c I stood waiting for God to heal my marriage without confronting him on his clearly, abusive and egregious behavior. I was taught and believed, like you that is was NOT RESPECTABLE to confront one's supposed Christian husband. Respect is earned. Even a perfect, sinless Savior died in our place to PROVE His RESPECTABILITY and that we could TRUST Him and love Him. How much more a sinful man?

 

I too have been married for 22 years and from the sounds of it your husband seems as mine to be a very controlling and spiritually abusive man. My husband is not a Pastor but he is Bible College educated and educated in wrong concepts about marriage. Yes, we may plead some ignorance to proper Scriptural teaching on marriage but at the end of the day it is still right there in black and white in Ephesians 5. Even my husband later on admitted that when he read this passage again AFTER God woke him up, he saw the clear directive to men to "lay his life down for the wife" instead of the other way around. Women are naturally inclined by our Creator to connect in relationship with our husbands and also in most relationships. We are "an epistle of relationships" to be read by our husbands. Men our to lead us spiritually to a GOOD AND SAFE PLACE OF BEING LOVED. When a woman is loved she will in God's perfect and beautiful design most often respond in ways that husband never dreamed of were possible. His love for her just as Christ's love for His bride naturally evokes this response from her heart. You would think men would understand the great and overwhelming capacity God has put within a woman's heart. After all look at the behavior and utter selfishness we put up with for YEARS. Most men are so filled with PRIDE however that this is difficult to see.

 

I pray for that God would help and strengthen you in the coming weeks as you see how much He loves you, how much He has heard your every cry for your marriage. At just the right time God has sent you here. I know with all my heart He put these saints in my path. I am grateful to God as He recovered my marriage after 6 years of separation. I filed for divorce back in April of 2008 for the very purpose of restoration. I knew that my husband still had free will and could put his fist in God's face concerning his covenant of a marriage but years of standing idly by doing nothing but ALLOWING his abuse proved disastrous for both me and my 2 sons. He kept on in his willful rebellion b/c I kept on taking it from him instead of standing up for TRUTH. Yes, I was in all honesty terrified and scared to file for divorce. I was taught that divorce was wrong for any reason. Yet, forgiving and forgiving and praying and fasting and SUBMITTING to him only made our problems grow worse. He never changed. He became more controlling and demanding. I lost myself in this destructive process. I landed in a place of feeling so unwanted and unloved by God. I had convinced myself that God was angry at me for my "REBELLIOUS ATTITUDE" toward my husband. When I read Joel and Kathy's book it was like the first day of Creation and God spoke over my life, "Let there be light." I had put my gifts on shelf for surely I was bad and unworthy to dare to love others. My gifts and callings lay dormant and buried under the ash heap of my marriage. I blamed Kimberly for ALL of it. I knew I had to do something by faith with God's hand holding mine that would so upset the balance of his life, that would create such a crisis for him that God could have my permission to move. I let go and let God have His way not all my TRYING. I had no guarantees, only that with or without my husband (whom I loved desperately), I would somehow, someday serve the God I so love. God kindly in His goodness got a hold of my husband. After 7 months and my divorce nearly finalized, God broke through the hardness of his heart. How? I do not know these mysteries. I know it shook him up. I know God sent laborers I knew nothing about into his "field" to speak to him. Even the thought of losing his family made him stand up and take notice. It was Ken Nair's book, "Discovering The Mind of a Woman" God got his attention with. Who knew? Yet, God needed little ole me, in all my fear and brokenness to work His miracle. I am grateful and grateful for this ministry. I do pray God will give you the same courage He somehow put within my heart. I pray He would help you to trust Him and let Him hold you close. I pray your answer comes for your marriage, for God's anointing upon your lives and for your children. I pray He moves all of heaven and earth to reach this man's heart and mind. I pray you would know God's love and acceptance again in the recesses of your heart AND truly BELIEVE God cherishes you and DOES NOT blame you. I pray new life and validation for who you are to the Father comes to you and you are revived once again.

 

Blessings Sister,

Kimberly

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Kimberly

Your words of encouragement offer strength and support that I desperately need right now. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience, encouragement and kindness with me.

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Tonight we read the first chapter of Nair's dtmoaw and briefly discussed it. That was calm and agreeable-which is a big step in the right direction.

 

Then I asked when we could plan to go to a marriage intensive. That didn't go so well. My h said he had no interest in that because he doesn't "trust those people." I said we can't prove whether or not those people can be trusted but the principles they teach are very good and would be helpful to us. He wanted to know what those principles are. When I didn't answer quickly he said "Surely you have them memorized if they are so important."

He has often harassed me about my poor choice of words,not saying things right, not communicating properly with him etc.

 

I proceeded say:

Submit to one another. ( he would probably agree with this in word)

Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church.

A husband is a leader in his family.

 

Discussion followed the third one which included me telling him that when he tells me to change first and then our marriage will be better he is asking me to be the leader.

He accused me of not being a good follower.

Which eventually led to me bringing up is lies and deceptions and he became very angry, stomped off to the bedroom, slammed the door and locked it!

 

Maybe five minutes later he came out to the kitchen and asked if there was anything he could help with.

I was shocked, I don't believe he has ever offered help in the kitchen before.

I didn't know what to say.....then I told him what I needed from him was to do what it took to bring healing to his family and wife. Which he responded that this was not his responsibility. This led to a discussion/argument about many things of the past which he said should be forgotten and just start working on today. Our 19 yodaughter was listening and he said he didn't want to bring the children in to it.

 

I said the past needed to be dealt with so we could find healing and be able to work on the present and that our children and church are already negatively affected by his lies and deception so they were already

involved.

In the end he quit blaming me and accepted what I said perhaps with some resignation-- but this is huge progress.

 

Perhaps it was related to a third party being present. I have never had the strength to be that direct with him in front of anyone before now, but I have had it and I'm not hiding it any more!

 

I appreciate the help and encouragement that has been given to me here. Even small comments have given me insight and helped me have the confidence and strength to speak up and speak truth. It is exhausting but I feel stronger and not so helpless anymore. I'm beginning to understand how this can be a long hard road, but am beginning to believe God will find a way. Today there is a glimmer of hope!

Thank you Jesus.

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Amen!

 

Isn't it amazing that stirring up the pot can actually bring about good results? You've experienced a vivid demonstration tonight of a wife "helping" her husband -- just like J & K (and God) encourage!

 

I'm very glad your relationship with your husband is on the move! Praise the Lord!

 

Here's a verse that has helped me when I felt I might have to say something somewhat confrontational to my husband: (I NEVER wanted to, was scared stiff to, nor had I the words to confront my husband with anything!)

 

Isa. 51:16 And I have put My words in your mouth and have covered you in the shadow of My hand...

 

To me this meant the Lord would use even my hesitant, fumbling words. He also would protect me at the same time. The thought was amazing to me!

 

God bless you.

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JJ,

 

I know the feeling of being told I do not talk right or I communicate poorly. I was so afraid to speak anything to him in the past as I knew I would stumble over my words and my thoughts always seemed to come out sideways no matter how I tried to be articulate. I remember God saying to me one day, "Why is it Kimberly that not one other person has ever mentioned to you that you are a poor communicator?" That one thought provoked me to ask my husband the same question. I told him perhaps it was not really my wording but I felt it was the truth he did not want to hear. I found out that is exactly what the crux of the issue is with husbands. It is not poor communication my dear it is because you ARE HITTING A NERVE in him and he has to put the walls of pride up so quickly it makes your head spin. Once I would get off balance emotionally it would escalate into fighting and arguing with absolutely no change. All that was left was another wound in my heart to deal with.

 

It is not bad communication, it is a bad husband issue. God created our hearts to detect the slightest disconnect in our husbands.We are so in tune to the relational aspect that we are literally designed by God to respond negatively to our husbands. Ken Nair has written that men need to be challenged. It is our nature NOT to do this. We "reach out" as Genesis 3, says we would according to the very "desire" for our husbands God wired us with. It is "ruling" over us in our emotions that is cursed b/c your husband pushing you away time after time creates havoc in a woman's heart emotionally (it can feel like he is in charge of our very well-being instead of God or ourselves.)

 

God's principles and truth often are very simple to understand and NOT so EASY to apply. The basic truth of Ephesians 5 is that a husband agape loves his wife as Christ loved (agape) loves His Church(bride) What does that look like? How can we take this spiritual principle and put practical application to it? How does Christ Love your husband? What did Christ do for him? Christ died while he was yet a sinner. He did NOT DIE for God first, God died for Him FIRST. Christ initiated the Father's will. In Him we move and live and have our very being. Did your husband initiate his own salvation? Did he reach God on his own or did God reach out for him? So when God clearly tells a husband to be like Christ in this same attitude of LOVE, does God ask anything less from a husband than He did from His son Jesus? Jesus was the FIRST among many brethren. First in love, first in forgiveness, first in healing, first in deliverance, first in mercy, first in grace and, and, and.....He either really wants to be Christ-like or he doesn't. It is his choice alone to make. God will not force him nor can his wife. It is his free will to choose LIFE or choose DEATH. Free to obey Ephesians 5 or NOT. He says you need to change first? Yet, he claims to be the leader? Leading what, leading where? If we follow someone are we not to first see their example and then know what to do? Is Christ not our example? If not, then he in essence forfeits his own leadership and conveniently blames you. Blame shifting is PRIDE. Putting the husband's responsibility on the wife is PRIDE. The form of pride is specifically SELF Righteousness. I am right and you are wrong thinking.

 

Women are called to philandros love according to 1 Timothy. It is a responsive love that responds to whatever a husband initiates. This is true, Scriptural, Biblical Headship. The husband is the HEAD. He is the source of all things good OR bad in his marriage, family, Church, and all relationships. In marriage, this is the foundational principle of J&K's ministry. Whatever a husband does in thought, word, deed, behavior and attitude toward God, others, his children and most especially his wife will either result in bringing LIFE to her or DEATH. If a man sows to the flesh from the flesh he WILL REAP destruction (death). If he sows to the Spirit from the Spirit he WILL REAP LIFE (Life in Christ). It is his responsibility and the wife's to "purge ourselves" from the flesh and sin. Men lay down their lives and women are a help-meet to their husbands by challenging them to live in Christ like ways. One is not natural to him, the other is not natural for her. Therefore, both die to themselves and become filled up with Christ to His fullest measure.

 

JJ, you are responding negatively to your husband ONLY b/c of what he has initiated in your heart. You are right on, perfectly walking in God's beautiful design of a woman's heart. The reason you feel you fumble your words or anything for that matter is b/c YOUR HUSBAND has done nothing but put a fear in your heart that no matter what you feel, think, hear from God, move in your incredible calling, gift, talents that you will always fall short in hubby's eyes. He has initiated confusion, disregard, neglect of your heart, he has neglected to cherish, love, wash you gently and tenderly with God's Word. He wants CONTROL and PERFECTIONISM from you while he gets a pass. You are SUPPOSED to respond the way you are so hopefully, as you begin to confront these failures in him to truly love as Christ, he will wake up and thank God you are his instruction and guideline book for living. It will take humility on his part. It will take God to give him a revelation. To this end I am praying. You are your husband's wake-up call. You are the trumpet blast in his ear to awaken him from his slumber.

 

Praying..

Kimberly

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We have had two reading/discussion sessions that have been calm and perhaps easy. I have been able to say anything that I think or feel without being told how wrong I am. My h admits he has been part of the problem and is willing to change. This is all a huge change and relief.

 

I guess the thing that bothers me right now is that he seems to agree with most things we have been reading but there is little emotion and no real apology at this point.

 

He has agreed to consider going to an intensive.

 

Today he did tell me about his day without any prompting.

Also he agrees to come home at a regular time and call if he will be late. That will be a big improvement. Last spring he told my counselor that for the past two years we had not had any problems with the time he comes home because he simply didn't commit to a time so I couldn't be upset if he was late. I couldn't believe he could admit that to her and not hear what he was saying.

 

I'm not sure what to do at this point except keep reading, discussing and enjoying the lack of conflict.

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Hey there, so glad he is being open. Keep doing what you are doing. The biggest thing is getting to an intenvise before dealing with major issues. Right now he is soaking it in. In the beginning efforts won't seem heart felt to most men. He is having to push himself because it does not come naturally. Hang in there. I know many are praying and cheering you on. If you can, get on the conf call tonight with Joel and Kathy. They we be on late.

 

Make sure he signs up officially so he doesn't back out. As he takes small steps, thank him and show him how much it means to you. Hoping it will encourage him to continue.

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