Claire

Thank you, Julie, for your continue thoughts and prayers. Biff did initiate getting on the call this weekend, but I had to get to bed early last night. Miss Jane Bennett and Mr. B. invited us to lunch and than kidnapped me for some time to visit. After picking her brain, I felt encouraged and was able to have her help to clear up some things. She also reminded me of some things to stick to in an effort to encourage Biff in this whole process. Thank you, Biff, for posting. This does my heart good to see you take the time to think and post and stay plugged in. Thanks for going with the boys and your dad on the bike ride and to buy camping stuff. They really had a great time with you. See you early in the a.m. for our walk/ride alone!

Why doesn't a "change" stick? Is it me? I feel like somebody died all over again every time Biff falls off the bus.

Have you heard of Ed Wheat? My mom sent me a small book called, "How to Save Your Marriage Alone." I picked it up this a.m. and it was echoing so much of your teaching...he does have some different teaching. He doesn't believe in divorce, although he does believe in a legal separation if there is abuse involved. There should always be hope for restoration though. Also, a dear blogger friend of mine put this quotage on her blog post today, "The minute you think of giving up, think of the reason why you held on so long." So, God is speaking to me through many directions and I don't believe me pursuing divorce is the right answer. Tonight, is shepherding group. We're in the pastor's small group which is a blessing for the kids and I, but also scary. I am just desparately tired of being alone in this journey as a "family".

Not so good here. Biff and I couldn't communicate over the weekend which is just devastating to me because it usually comes back around to being my fault. Things went even more south when I couldn't get on the calls. I was sick. I can't really get into more details, but things are really difficult. Biff hasn't posted since last week on the forum. He didn't call the children Sunday and Monday. He didn't go to his Bible Study tonight. I really don't think he has the ability or desire to love me or be with me. These ongoing months of separation drive the distance between us further and further. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of feeling like I'm expecting too much from him - love, kindness, and consistency is all I'm asking for and it can't be done. I'm tired of being told I'm negative and he can't understand me. I'm really discouraged. Sorry for sounding negative, but this is where we are.

The meeting went well. There were no angry words thrown around! It was great that the pastor was familiar with the ministry and your story, Miss Jane B! He shared a couple things to be working namely an apology list and working through that list immediately! Biff wasn't straightforward at all about the molestation, porn, etc.; however, when encouraged, he did share. It was good. I didn't get the vibe that pastor really understood how badly these cycles with Biff have been...what it's cost our marriage every time. I think it dawned on Biff that the cycles haven't just been since the day he left. The cycles have been worse the past two years as we have not being committed to a church ministry. Those 2 years we wandered damaged us so much! The 13 years we were in that church damaged us simply because we were keeping the mask on pretty well...nobody really cared how we were living life...we just survived. I'm not sure what the plan is with pastor going forward. We'll see and keep you posted. Thanks for checking!

Things are okay here. I haven't seen much of Biff, but things are progressing in a way. Biff attended the first week of a Bible Study called, "How People Change". We also have an appointment to meet the pastor tomorrow afternoon. Biff asked me for a date after. Historically, meetings with counselors and pastors have resulted in Biff screaming about my problems...namely, my upbringing. This was how all 3 of our premarital counseling sessions went. Ha! Sad, but true! Because of that, I asked Biff if I could just meet him there and just play the date by ear depending on how the meeting went. He agreed. Am personally feeling really "walled up" with him. I don't feel comfortable around him. Tuesday night, we had about 30 minutes to ourselves talking and he didn't do 1 apology. He spent the whole time teaching me about the Bible Study. That was disappointing. At one point he even said, "This study should would help you too." I did sign up for the morning study, but they couldn't accommodate my 2 young homeschooled kids and so I can't participate this year. Our evenings I couldn't commit to because of scouts, sports, etc. I think that it's great for Biff to go alone and work through this himself. Thanks for checking.

Hi there, Hopeful Wife. Thank you for praying. I did want to respond, but was following the "doc's orders". Whenever Biff goes off the deep end, they usually request that I post on the private thread. Here's Sunday's update: Thank you, J & K, for your encouragement and explaining the normalcy of where we are right now. I get it. It doesn't make it much easier, but I do understand my role. Today's songs and scripture readings at church were all full of this word that I begin to lose when Biff falls off the cliff...hope. I was so comforted and felt God's loving arms wrap around me saying, "You are loved. I give you hope. No man can give you hope. Continue looking at me." The Lord's Supper was served today. I have been struggling with bitterness toward God and anger. I didn't think that partaking would be right in the recent state of mind and heart that I've been in. I felt bad turning down a sweet lunch invite by Miss Jane, but providentially that paved the way for us to talk to the pastor's family. Their little guy was so excited to meet more kids who would be in the same shepherding group which made my kids happy to feel accepted. Just had an encouraging talk with Steve and Julie tonight. Biff wanted to clarify some things that I had observed/felt on the call last night with J & K. Steve and Julie were thrilled those where things Biff wanted to clarify because they were spot on to what they observed on the call last night, also. Biff accepted what they shared gratefully and than thanked me for being his helpmeet. I was thrilled to know that I wasn't "all wet". Everybody came out the winner tonight. That was really nice. Am praying for healing throughout the week although it's jam-packed with activities and so I'm feeling frustration with where the time/energy will come from to deal with Biff/marriage, but I pray that God provides both. Actually, just having a nice conversation on the phone with him would be a good start. Thanks for continued prayers...

I texted Biff stating, " Was hoping you would be on the call Sat and tonight. Missed more opportunities, Biff." His response, "Was busy looking for a place to live."

I don't know if we do or not.

Email sent to J & K on the same day as this post: Please see my post from last night. Biff thinks "he's arrived" for some reason. He's had this air of "I am in control. I am a grown man now. I can handle anything thrown at me." It comes across arrogant and very scary. He was even bragging to me about giving Timothy Paul counsel on the forum. He's put off "til tomorrow" making arrangements for this weekend which historically is typical of him and stressful for me because I get stuck in between him and the other parties involved. I emotionally and physically can't handle that right now. He has been doing much better, but I don't feel like it's been genuine. I think he's been doing better in an attempt to get back home. I don't feel like he's doing better because he's in love with me. Just giving the heads up because I can feel us slipping. It's after 10 a.m. and again he hasn't texted or called. This is step #1 for me to feel like he's engaged and committed to me. Why is that so difficult for him? I don't get it. After all, if we're working toward moving back together that he's going to have to roll over and say "Good morning" to me. If he can't even text me, than how can I trust that I'm going to get a "Good morning". Thank you, Joel, for your counsel on Monday night. Biff had already gotten out of Sunday's call and than he didn't want to call Monday. This would be step #2 for me...him initiating and getting on the call instead of me initiating and him making excuses. Right? Thanks, Claire/Marci

Sunday update. Am spending the afternoon purging and cleaning my kid's rooms. Am getting carpets cleaned this week and am getting "stuff" off the floor. Biff was going to have a couple rooms painted for me the past couple of months. I've decided to go ahead and start working on them. My dad is coming into town so maybe I can rope him for some help although there are filters Biff bought and never replaced, two toilets having malfunctions, ants are back with a vengeance, etc. etc.! It is really difficult keeping things afloat. There was a group of young, single moms with little ones at the pool. My first thought was to judge. My second thought was to approach them and tell them how much I admire them for single parenting it and loving their babies. My third thought is what can I do to reach out to them and share the gospel with them? I didn't do anything for them except pray for them. I don't know their situations, but God has burdened my heart for these ladies. Isn't it crazy that it takes 2 to have a sexual relationship, but yet in a pregnancy it's the girl's responsiblity to either put the baby up for adoption or to keep the baby or even abort. My heart really goes out to them. No word from Biff today. J & K tried to text him and get him on a call Saturday night. It didn't happen. J was kicking butt on the call last night! The words just kept coming, somewhat randomly in response to the new couple on perhaps, but obviously Spirit led. J kept saying, "I'm not sure why I'm getting off track here, but it's obviously for someone listening." I couldn't help wondering if some of the counsel was intended in hopes of Biff and me listening. The remarks about how this separation and divorce effects the children especially ages 10 and under is mind-staggering! My 7 year old son is so emotionally stunted. He seeks to make me comfortable and happy all the time! I keep saying, "You're going to make a good husband some day, E. It's okay. I know you're doing this because you love me, but I'm supposed to be taking care of you." Thanks, J & K, for doing what you are doing. My heart is really hurting wondering why, why, why Biff is holding out responding to your messages and advice. I reread his posts and my heart is so saddened for lost chances. I remember the last go around saying, "Why didn't he even come to the door if he wanted to apologize?" That would have made my heart sing! This hiding business is scary. It continues to show his severe emotionally arrested behavior and his need to lean into God...not any one human person can fix this for Biff or myself. I'm praying for us, Biff.

No word from Biff all day today, Saturday. Am really sad about that...really! Uggh! I took my kids to the waterpark today. It was a Living Social deal and so I was going to have to pay $11 for the fifth ticket. As we were in line, a lady turned around and handed me a coupon for a free ticket!! God started our day blessing us and we had a really fun time in the sun enjoying the water slides, lazy river, flow rider, and water playground. My kids hardly stopped for snacks and drink! It was fun to see them all playing so well and making new friends. I couldn't help but feel the loneliness myself...missing Biff. My youngest said, "I know who would have come if we would have asked him. Daddy." I know all of the kids were wishing dad were there too. I'm just praying that Biff responds to J & K reaching out to him. After not posting on the forum or following through with getting on conference calls W and TH, I'm just not feeling like the guy is as "committed" as he says he is. One thing that hit me last Sunday when we were talking was this same topic. I was just overcome with emotion last week. He asked why I was upset. I asked, "What have you been doing the past 8 months when you hide for days?" His response, "Nothing. I just was depressed. Sometimes, I shopped, but that's about it." Anyway, am praying, planning, and playing...the J & K way!

Thank you, Julie. It's good to know that this is "normal". Was hoping that we could be "patched up" enough to at least enjoy some family times this weekend although the trip fell through. In my heart, I knew the trip wasn't a good idea at this time. At this time though since he didn't follow through with getting on the conference calls, I hope that it is okay that I told him now wasn't a good time to talk. He then texted me to arrange a time for him to see the children this weekend. I told him that talking and visiting the children could happen after he talked to J & K first. His reply, "You are controlling." I'd like to think that I am being his helpmeet.

Awwwww! I didn't know about Thursday's communication with Biff. That's why he texted me to let me know "I am not off the wagon. I just was tired and ..." That was in response to you all. I guess that made him feel better. My days are muddled! Sorry for the misunderstanding.

J & K, the days are running into each other, but it was Wednesday when things really started heading south and Biff asked me to get on the conference call. That made me thrilled to think that Biff wanted to get back on track quickly and that we could talk through some things in a "safe" setting.

Biff, your post to Timothy Paul was really good...you might find encouragement to reread it today. It's so sad to see things fall off track so quickly for us.

He doesn't read my heart. I received a text accusing me of posting a negative post on the forum. He's trying to scare me into not being transparent with you all. His text stated he hadn't fallen off the wagon. I don't know what this is called than. He's redefining his actions and choices now that he knows the vocabulary. He continues to state that he doesn't understand me. Thanks for the encouragement.

Thank you, Hopeful Wife, for your sweet post. You wonder what comes through on the other end of the phone. Being involved in calls since February when I really felt like train wreck, I can't imagine what a mess I sounded like than!! Scary. Even scarier, is the feeling of losing grip again. I don't want to go back there. I do wish to come from a place of strength. I really want to be free of this grip on our family!! You can just feel the toxicity and poison. UPDATE FOR ALL: Received a text from Biff saying, "I couldn't get on the call last night. Am in Atlanta today..." There was no explanation. There was no apology. He stated that my negative post on the forum wasn't appreciated. I was so optimistic ( J & K know) when he initiated getting on the call Tuesday night so it was very upsetting to be on the call for 3 hours and not have him be on at all. This a.m. received more texting demanding to talk and when. I replied "Next week." He said, "I am tired of your games. Make arrangements for me to see the kids this weekend." The same old tone of hate has manifested it's ugly head again! My reply, "After you talk to J & K, Mr. B., and Pastor Brooks (new pastor who he keeps initiating contacting, but not following through)" He replied, "You're controlling". I'm not responding. I can understand why he's saying that. I can understand that I'm saying that "from a source of strength" as I return good for good and bad for bad. I am really not sure how to be this man's helpmeet. I know what Biff defines as being his helpmeet, but it's not all pretty! I could feel things beginning to slip last Sunday. Tuesday things really were derailed. Here we are Friday heading into a holiday weekend. It's good that Biff contacted me today; however, I'm not going to be available to him until the above has been done. I really don't know how to "do for myself" as Heather recommended. I grew up the oldest of 7 kids in a pastors family. Went off to college, work, met B, had 4 kids in 5 years, am homeschooling, am directing a homeschool group...am always...have always done for others. My identity is wrapped up in pleasing others and working for others. I don't know what this looks like. I don't know what to do by myself when I'm finally alone at 10 p.m. except to check email and fall exhausted into bed. I have no family members in town...only B's who feel like they are thousands of miles away. I love my children. They are begging to go see my family. I'm afraid to make B mad by jetting to see them. I'm also afraid of their reaction to me and their strong feelings about who they think I am because of holding out hope for my marriage to be healed. Thanks for letting me have a voice on here and sharing my thoughts, feeling, etc. Thanks for encouragement. Love to all.

When trying to understand part of my anxiety about yesterday, the plans regarding Canada, etc., it finally dawned on me that 1.) trip to Cleveland, OH - the last time we were there was for my grandfather's wedding in which Biff and I were dating. Yes! There was so much tension and stress within my own family that weekend and Biff's goal was to have his way with me... whenever and wherever...2.) trip to Canada - the one and only time we were there was when our first was 8 months old. It was probably one of the worst trips of our marriage. I was responsible for directions, no matter if Biff followed them or not. I was scolded for keeping us lost and not knowing where we were supposed to go. It escalated so much that I got baby and fled. I hid in a bathroom trying to calm down. All I wanted to do was book a flight home and leave him there. The police were called and we were told to get counseling when we got home. Biff says the argument was about Christian contemporary music...not! I was in such a low spot from the abuse of being responsible for everything and for his constant badgering of me that I lost it. When we got home, I discovered that I was prego with #2 child. So, I got pregnant while nursing...didn't really know that could happen, but it did. Trips to my family have been steeped in stress and me constantly making excuses to cover things in our marriage. For 15 years, my family had no idea about the physical and emotional abuse going on. I have only seen my mom and dad twice this year, for short visits. I haven't seen any 6 of my sibs. That shows how interested in supporting me through this marriage thing all of my sibs have been. I have been alone. I remain alone. Biff has me just where he wants me and needs me...with no one. That makes me more dependent on him.

Biff really thinks he's arrived...I'm not feeling it. Today was a difficult day. FIRST, he didn't contact me until after 12 noon again. That started off the day bad for me. Than, everything spiraled ending with him coming over tonight bragging that, "It's okay. I'm a man now. I have broad shoulders. Etc" The problem today wasn't really about Biff...it is about me, but he turned it all around to be about him. My emotions that surfaced today were fear of my being around my family, how Biff would be around me family, Biff not following through when I asked him to deal with my BIL about weekend plans to keep me out of it, to talking so much that we changed plans only to have my sister want to proceed with plans to now we're not going, etc. Overtalking plans about Labor Day made me hit a wall and I don't even want to have any plans or expectations for my 40th birthday. Last weekend, we talked about that which went from 1 week in Boston and the Cape to 2 weeks visiting Biff's dying uncle, my uncle's 60th birthday, etc. etc. I can't handle that. I just would like a simple, quiet, quaint time with my family...our children and Biff. I'm just really tired of talking about things and them not coming to pass. I'd rather not try to make plans. I'd rather not get my kids hopes up about things. I'd rather not get my hope up about things. Biff proudly stated last weekend that he was a dreamer. You know, I'm a dreamer too. The reality though is that my dreams never come true. It's better for me not to dream. It's better for me to not have hopes. It's better for me to just live one day out at a time...keeping simple...

That is good to know. We were on last night (Sunday), but didn't speak up.

Biff, looking forward to your belated birthday present tomorrow...white water rafting with the family! Thank you for tracking down the cutest pair of end of the season water shoes for moi! Loved sitting at the table chatting while you ate dinner.

LIKE IT ALL! I'm so blessed to see you staying on track and living this thing out! Am praying for you, us, the family!!

Thank you, Biff. I posted last night on my thread about the day too. Don't know if you read it, but the date last night was awesome. It was fun to tell the kids. They assumed I asked to get the make-up. To hear that you planned it, took me, and than bought me so much goodness made them grin from ear to ear!

Biff keeps blessing and wow is it ever nice!! Tuesday p.m. and Wednesday a.m. we jumped through some potentially hazardous, previous cliff jumping moments. Last night, it was simply over something small, but to me huge. We went around to bless and share with our birthday girl things we love about her. It's a tradition that I like to do with the family. We went around to the each child and than Biff said, "I'll go next. Mom can go last since she gave birth to Olivia." What? That mixed up thinking is something else! I gave a twitch and look. He immediately said, "What? I thought I was being nice." I replied that a man always puts the woman first to show his love for her. He kind of apologized, but he really believed his way was right. Today, he told me that he understood. Wednesday a.m. there was confusion about his parents again. I had arranged last week for the boys to go biking with their Pop. E just received his new bike and it was a gift representing a unified effort between Biff and myself. Biff really wanted to have the first family bike ride with E on his new bike and we had planned to do that last week. However, Biff kept forgetting to get his bike fixed. This a.m. I made a comment about the kids going on the bike ride and he said, "No. I changed that. They aren't going with Pop until we have our family ride." I was really shocked that he had cancelled and we had some conversation about that. Than, he said, "Hey. I'm not supposed to get in the middle of this. Joel told me not to." I had an internal struggle going on than because in my heart I felt like it wasn't anybody else's fault that Biff forgot to get his bike fixed over a few day period. It wasn't his dad's fault and his dad was trying to initiate. It wasn't my fault and how was I going to go on a date with him tonight IF the kids, who were supposed to be with grandparents, were now to stay at home alone while we went on the date. It just didn't make sense to me. I said, "That's it. I have to call and work this out." My daughter said, "No, mom. I don't want dad to get mad at you." I said, "Well, honey. This is that hard part of my role. I have to help dad understand that this isn't right. I feel like everybody is getting punished and than we get to go on a date! How am I supposed to enjoy my date? " I prayed and called. Biff listened to me and he understood. He called his dad and apologized for confusing the plans and asked his dad to please follow through with the activities with the children. Everything worked out tonight so that the girls had a nice time making jewelry with Nana and the boys went on a bike ride with Pop. They had a blast. My MIL came into the house. She seemed to be hiding behind my FIL. Than she walked in and just hugged me tight. It's been almost 9 months since I've seen her or talked to her and they lived 15 minutes away! She was going to support Biff until the bitter end because I guess in her mind we were over. If she really believed and prayed for our marriage to be restored, why did she alienate me? I'm still struggling with that. But, it was good. She wanted a tour of the house as I've changed a lot of things over the months. I've painted, made curtains, moved furniture, painted furniture, hung vintage maps in my guest bath, etc. She was blown away by everything and very sweet. It was a start to healing and that was a blessing. Later, Biff and I enjoyed a relaxing, delicious sushi dinner. Sushi was 40% off tonight (who knew?) and it was great! While we ate, Biff told me we were going to the mall so I could get a Bobbi Brown makeover! Oh my! I started crying. I've had this rosacea on my face that I've been self conscious about. I've been really tired looking and feeling just old and unattractive! Biff sat patiently next to me while the sweetest lady did my makeup. She did it beautifully! I can't help looking at myself because my skin tone is evened out and dewey looking. I really feel nice and I haven't felt that way in a long time! I was talking myself out of this and that because ... Biff asked the lady to wrap all of her choices up! I can't believe it! Biff, you spoiled me tonight like I don't ever really remember! You sat there and watched, made funny, sweet comments, agreed with choices, gave your input ("the smokey eyes"), etc. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You really made me feel a few years younger! The kids can't get over the transformation too. Now I have to figure out how to apply everything correctly tomorrow. That may be scary...I better wake up earlier to get ready!