biff jerquee

Joel & Kathy, Yes it was answer to prayer when the pastor revisted his previous sermon.Claire and I really like the the church and the spirit of the church.We have some really good friends there that have stuck by Claire through thick and thin.The Bible study I am taking is really good and its teaching are dove tailing with things you are asking of me in this ministry.I can not sugar coat it though, it is hard work ,but I understand my spiritual grow is the most important key to this change.For once in my life I feel that am finally starting to grow spiritually. I have not arrived at all, but am walking with God, and I am asking prayerfully that I be consistent.This morning Claire and I were to go walking together at 6:30 in the morning but she texted me at 5 am to tell me she had to cancel our walk because she had a bad dream, not just a bad dream , but one where I had been horrible to her.Claire told me she had woken up sobbing,I texted her right back and told her no worries we could walk another morning and try to go back to sleep and try to get some rest.I texted her I wished I could take the pain away.The hard part was I could not hold her and comfort her and tell her how sorry I was for being so horrible and such a pathetic excuse for a husband.I did go over to the house later in the morning just to hug her and to tell her how much I love and treasure her heart.We did meet up for supper tonight and I took my son to boy scouts before Bible study. I also wanted to let Miss Jane Bennett know that I am going to follow through on the specific action plan that Claire needs me to initiate.Thank you Miss Jane Bennett for kidnapping Claire Sunday afternoon after we had lunch with you and Mr. Bigley.You were a great encouragement to her, and you sensed she needed that.I can not thank you enough and I can not thank your husband enough.During lunches and talks that I had when I meet your husband and talks with Joel and Steve and Julie were the things that got me back on track.Most couple's do not have someone like you and your husband to show them the other side to see what that looks like and how incredible it can be.You both have kept up with my inconsistencies and have not let me slide too far.We joke about how we all meet but I know the Lord had a personal hand in our intervention.Thank you for leading us to the ministry. Hebrews 12: 1-2 Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a clould of witnesses let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of God.

Julie, Thanks for the post,it was a crazy week ,just want you to know I did ask Claire about the phone calls, we both were pretty exhausted but I will make sure we get on this Sunday, and try to Sat. to touch base with Joel.Thanks for reminding me to not get relaxed in the process.I just want you and Steve to know that I am doing what you asked, and will continue to be a blessing to my wife in any way that I can.I have put my emotions on the back burner and I am only concentrating on Claire's.Things are so busy with 4 children and a business.I need to have more dates with my wife.Tomorrow I am going over at 6:30 in the morning so we can talk while we walk.I will be glad to give a hug to my beautiful Bride for you, in fact I might give her twenty.Thank again for yours and Steve's guidance.

Time flies by so quickly.It has been a whirlwind couple of days since I posted last.It was a great weekend spent with Claire and the family.Friday night was our kick off for this fall, we went over to some friends and watched a movie out side, and had a big bond fire with smores and hot dogs.Claire and I had such a good time in fellowship with other Christians,it was good ,and it warmed the soul just like the fire that keep us warm againist the chilly wind.Saturday our family went to a revolutionary reenactment,which we could not have asked for nicer weather.Saturday night we had pizza ,watched a football game, and a family movie.My sons and I were watching the game and during one flub thrown by our team and I yelled out.My daughter ran down stairs with a worried look on her face and asked Claire if any thing was wrong,you see she thought we were arguing.Claire starting crying and I held her and apologized for this because in the past I had let our conversations get heated.I took full responsibility .Claire, my daughter and I hugged together as one.Sunday we went to church and the TOPIC of this week and last week was Ephesians 5. About the husbands role in marriage and the wifes role.Claire and I talked about this last week,she was a little bit disappointed in the way the sermon was presented.We got on the call last week with Steve and Julie and talked about this.There is also a couple who go to church with us and have been in this ministry and have a restored marriage, they were upset when they heard this message .They meet with the Pastor and talked with him about the sermon slant.This week he really revisted the message and brought healing to my claire's heart and Miss Jane Bennett.The Pastor mentioned his wife talking to him directly after the message and he listened and changed some misconceptions spoken during the first sermon.It is good to know our Pastor can listen to his wifes heart also. Claire has been great keeping me on track, we have had some bumps but nothing that we have not been able to talk through.As I have been more consistent, the problem of discipline with our children has come up recently.As everyone knows a father who is not engaged actively in Christlike instruction is doing great harm to his children.Because of my lack of presence in the childrens lives it has been hard for me to come back in and give any kind of correction.I know Claire needs me to be there and help her with guiding their hearts.I have had some talks with my boys about honoring their Mom and not talking back to her.I understand the quandary here because in the past they have not seen me honoring their mother by my actions.I asked for their forgivness the other night, and my sons hearts are starting to warm back up to me.They are very wary as are my daughters but I pray through my consistency that one day I will not see that in their eyes.Claire is also very wary of my actions and she is waiting to see if I will stay the course,and one day I pray she will trust that I will NEVER leave her.This whole process has made me painfully aware of my hypocrisy in my Christain walk in the past.

Joel & Kathy, Sorry it has been a very busy few days.Yes I have a doctors appointment on the 10th for a full physical so I am going to go over this with the doctor,and I will keep you updated.Claire has been really good at helping me be consistent.I am listening to her and starting to understand the depths of her heart,and most of all I am enjoying it.It is now not painful to listen to Claire's pain. .I am praying for open heart surgery,that God will heal Claire heart and make it whole again.I am doing a Bible study called "How People Change",it is really good.Thank you Claire for giving me the push to be involved in this.They brought up the concept of the Lone Ranger,go figure,sounds familiar doesn't it?It discusses how bad this for true Christian growth.Through "community" change can occur.This community, the forum,the calls,our church, good Christian friends can makes us see things as they are, not the way we think they should be.Christ know we needed one another to lift each other up.I had planted a tree in the desert and wondered why it was not flourishing.I am now planted by the streams of everlasting water,Jesus,and it is now time that Claire and the children drink deep from his Love and Grace. Thank you Claire for spending the last few days with me,I will miss you as I am taking the business trip tomorrow.Know I will be thinking of you ever minute, and can not wait till I can see you again.Claire you are the Best!

Joel & Kathy, Thanks for keeping it real.Thanks for reeling me back in,now if I can just stay safe Claire's heart will stop reeling in pain.No excuses for bailing.Thanks for supporting Claire's heart through out this process.

Steve, Thanks for posting,I understanding.Thanks for the encouragement.It is about Claire not me.

Claire, I am here just wanted to let you know, and I am working on the things that YOU need, apologies for the hurts I have caused you lately.I will keep this brief because you do not need to hear hollow words.I will post every day to show you I am actively working to win your heart back.My arrogance that I thought I had arrived keeps me in this place and worst of all it gains no trust in your heart.I am sorry I have not been able to understand you have to get the pain out.I have been trying to put a band aid over a infected wound and it has only gotten more septic to the point of you wanting to cut that appendage off, and that appendage is me,the poison has got to go.

Claire, sweetheart,I plan to make "deposits and no withdrawals". My sin has made me "bankrupt",and in the past you knew I was "cashing checks that could not be paid".I was not putting in deposits, and expecting my "balance" with you to be OK.Sorry for keeeping you off balance for so long.I will make those "deposits" on my knees,honoring you, and keeping my promises.You are the Banker counting the cost, and asking if this investment is worth the cost.I pray you see the this "investment" will come to fruition.You have invested 15 years in hopes of a solid foundation, in the past I would not have passed the "stress test", but now my strength is not in myself but in the Lord above.I PRAY you will see the return, in our family.I pray you see that balance overflowing with love.I love you Claire. Discloser--we are not going bankrupt in the physical sense,but I let my sin bankrupt me along time ago. Mattew 20:26-28 "Yet it shall not be so amoung you;but whoever desires to become great amoung you, let him be your servant.And whoever desires to be first amoung you, let him be your slave just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and give His life a ranson for many." 1 Peter 2:24 "who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we,having died to sins, might live for righteousness by whose stripes you were healed."

Dear God we need a break through.I pray I am a blessing to Claire today as we meet the Pastor.I pray I will honor my wife and children by taking responsibility for our marriage and the condition it is in.I am weak, but through you, our marriage will be restored.Please shelter us under your wisdom, and my words will be words of wisdom, and not foolish words.You are a awesome God whose ways we can not fathom, please give me faith, a faith that is unshakeable. Claire I understand your reluctance with me going to talk to the Pastor today.In the past I blamed you for our marriage problems.I am sorry for this ,and it will take time for this to heal which I understand. I pray I will honor you as we meet with the Pastor.

Joel&Kathy Yes we are starting some good forward movement.Claire's heart is guarded, as it should be.I have to show myself to be reliable and trust worthy.We had a great conversation tonight after my Bible study, and picking up my son up from boy scouts.It was great just siting by her on the couch as we talked.Claire even let me stroke her beautiful hair tonight.I have to be so much more than I have given to her in the past,I know that and understand the hard work that needs to be done.I love her so much, and the proof is in the pudding so to speak.So I will initiate with out being pushy, and love her in the ways she needs, so she knows I truly love her.I will listen without defending, so the boy can grow up and be a man.Claire I am a blessed man,I will prove that I am worth waiting for.Thank you Claire. We are planning a family weekend,maybe a ride together, maybe a walk together, as long as I can be next to Claire is all I need.The key word is together,together we will overcome.

"I need to tame my Amygdala, not my wife." "For a tiny sac of neurons,it zaps an ordinary day into havoc-like lighting strikes an iron rod, long before you're aware it hit.Whenever your day jolts you off reliable tracks,it's likely the seething culprit, and in some brains it burns like fury just below the surface. On the other hand recent research shows your amygdala is also key to socializing, and a larger amygdala means more friends and family involvement. Want to tackle hot topics without shout outs?Perhaps you've heard of the Amygdala,or seen current research abouts its role in creating and storing emotional reactions to frightening situations.But have you heard how its turns ordinary days into train wrecks? At times it's a matter of learning to let go, yet once its power over your day is discovered,you can guide your amygdala to work more in your favor.It even helps you move from fear to freedom. Located deep, within your brain's temporal lobes, this almond shaped mood bender, helps to shape and store reactions to unexpected shockers in your day.Will you shout or smile?Will you freeze in fear or risk with courage?The little neuron group pretty much decides for you. Sit through an upsetting meeting, and this tiny arousal center may well incite negative emotions in response. Have you seen it happen? There's more too.This agitated control center engages brain stem circuits that impact facial expressions and body language. It also triggers release of chemicals such as serotonin or cortisol into the blood, to trigger often unwanted emotional response.It's even activated by nasty odors on occasion. So why does the human brain come with such a pesky part? It's quite straight forward. Without your amygdala, you'd have no response to screams, cries for help, shocking movies, or other horrific encounters.It can even help you to bypass bullies and cynics at work. Unfortunately though,it tends to toss you into turmoil without much notice. Can you see why people develop skills to tame dysfunctioal thinking and modify behaviors that follow their amygdala trigger? You've likely experienced how reactions impact and shape the human brain, in almost in knee-jerk responses.Unwanted panic reactions pop up when you encounter sudden or startling situations,for intance. It doesn't need to be that way. Your amygadala can be tweaked to transform panic reactions into calm in the face of fear,anxiety,stress,or frustration encounters. Simply act deliberately in the opposite direction of any volatile,negative,or moody feelings.If feeling fearful or if you are embarrassed,for,instance, try disagreeing more with the brain in mind.In this way, the very act of using a skill to disagree well,begins to rewire your brain for healthier responses in similar situations. Simply put, you can learn to bypass your amygdala's automatic default operations, in much the same way you choose to tap different buttons on a computer, to enter a different screen. React in the default mode and your amygdala can heat up a situation by placing you in far too sensitive a mood, flooding your brain with cortisol chemicals, and causing you to overract.Caught under attach you'll respond accordingly, whether the attach is real or perceived, unless you intervene to help out your brain. Because of your amygdala, you can develop and use different strategies to add calm under pressure, and as you build emotional patterns for dealing with stressors , you begin to see their practical usefulness. Brain tactics help you to deal more calmly with lif's difficult situations, simply by doing what you'd like others to see in you." Practical Tatics from Neuro Discoveries with Dr. Ellen Weber

Last week was a very hard week for my wife. This week I am trying to repair the damage I inflicted on Claire's heart when I decided to shut down ,Claire has been more than a little Graceful as she has been a great help meet to me over the last few days. With my Claire's help she has enabled me to walk through what I thought I was understanding vs. the true reality of the situation.Thank you Claire for your patience with me today, as we talked you helped me see what was the correct path regarding "A's" Boy Scouts and The Bible study I am going be starting tomorrow."A's" boy scouts is important but he needs to see me commited to getting plugged into this and following through with being there consistently,growing in Christ,and becoming a strong warrior for Christ.I pray that it works out that I can still help him in the scouts but the greater importance is change, and both you and he needs to see this most.I can feel the my Amygdala being rewired.For so long my disfunctional thinking has thrown me into the fight or flight syndrome.I have not understoods the triggers that made me such a bad communicator.This process is incredible , why we as men don't see the good in this is beyond me.This need to defend ,deflect is only a programed response to data comimg in because of all of our disfunctional thinking. Thank you Steve and Julie, for walking us through my deflection/defending stance on the call the other night.I totally understand Steve why you said your feelings don't count right now.You did not say my feelings did not matter.I am finally understanding for a season ,just shut up,soak it in, and let my neurons change my responses. That statement just "letting go" is what I have to do to allow my brain to change and my patterns to change also. My Amygdala needs to be tamed not my wife. This is the core of what Christ ask of us , to change, to become a new creature.Why , because Christ knows us so intimately that without that change we are stuck in the same patterns of sin which ultimately leads to seperation from the ones we love,lack of fellowship,and ultimately failure. Yes Julie, we guys are pretty clueless.

have fallen off the wagon so many times.I am sorry the focus get changed to my hurts, VS your hurts.I know what to do, but this rewiring of my thick skull is so painful to you.For this I am so very sorry.I was listening to christian song today and one verse and it loud and clear to me. "Be courageous enough to experience the pain so you can get the long time of gain" So so far I have not been courageous enough to let you experience your pain.I am praying that you will believe that I can show you it is ok to express that pain.

Claire thank you for going to church with me today.I want you to know ,I realize how hard it is for you to have to get all the children ready every sunday like you have done for the last nine months.As well as run the house hold while I have been absent.I just want to tell you what a incredible Mom you are and what a great job you are doing.You are also such a incredible wife , I know it has been incredible painful as I

That saying "GIGO" is really hitting home right now.Garbage in ,Garbage out. Because of me faling off the tracks and train wrecking the process, I am going to get the stone wall.I understand that is what I deserve.Its like the boy who cried wolf to long, soon no one would believe what he said, and in the end disater did come.It is a sobering thought, my inconsistencies are my misconceptions revealed.All the good I did for the last few weeks means nothing.Well its time for this cowboy to dust his hat off and go hunting after that "wolf" Satan who won a victory over our family ,and I let him win. Claire I take full responsibility for this wagon wreck we had this past week.I could have made it so simple, yet I made it so,so hard.I could have called and got help but I choose not to.You trusted me,and open up your heart, and I failed you,again.For this I am truly sorry.I will not act like everything is ok, when I know it is not.Your heart is dying now, your spirit is raging. Thank your for talking to me tonight on the phone,I deserved all you said.I reap what I sow.