overwhelmed

Ok. Went to attorney. Not just a consult. I told the atty that he will try to stall on producing financial info to avoid paying the correct amount of temporary child support much less final. So I gave him the most current tax return (business and personal) and asked that he file for immediate temporary child support while the rest of the process takes its course. I left the house (kids with me) and I did not give him a heads up. Since the intensive (even during that weekend) I have had to use the truth of, "I interprut that as you are refusing this path, if thats the case, I will make it offical...." he would back down and resentfully pretend to follow the path. After this weekend and his stand, having made the act of "making it offical" spoken at least 6 times, I didnt see the point in opening the door to getting sucked into him sucking me into his verbal no win rounds. So, I took action and will let that speak. Hes texted me a few times, "what should we do for dinner..." and I feel like I am being misleading but i responded honestly without giving him the information "I have not thought about dinner." I could completely ignore him but I didnt want him coming home to see if I was ok if I ignored him (ie to see why I havent responded) until I as gone. So is it appropriate to ignore him from here or rather, inappropriate to not tell him? I sort of thought my action would show him? Plus, I struggle to not get sucked in when speaking and I do not know how it happens, he can confuse everything quickly to the point I don't remember what the point was. So many twists and turns and odd things that I would rather not even "go there" or put me there right now.

Thank you, I get it a little more clearly now (frustration or emotion in a moment block that). For example, pointing out that passive/arrogant men can say that type of thing to throw the first punch... I hadnt really thought of that out of the emotion it creates in me. When he says it, he does so with such an "above that" air that it projects confidence. That air creates emotions in me that feel beneath his confidence because I couldn't imagine saying the kinds of things he does to someone I love with such a haunty flare. So I see now, they serve a purpose. Comments like that he has made, over time, have created an insecurity in me. From this place in me, I hear his words as confident and certain and absolute. I see him as strong and I feel weak. Him above, me beneath and needy. So him saying things like that, over time, grew this place in me. It serves his dysfunction and keeps me emotionally anxious. Its why he can even imply in some veiled way, "if you do that, its over..." and I will not push. Am I stepping out and seeing this more accurate? So the "walk out for hope of reconciliation" means to remove myself from his safety bubble that enables him to stay stuck and immature because it harms me and I can't reach him. Maybe he will at least be motivated to wake up. If he does, I can be open to seeing if hes sincere. If he doesnt, then it was for the best for myself also because as is, is not a life. If he doesnt wake up, it isnt because I walked out and "pushed him too far" or hurt him/us and didnt believe his warning threats. Its bevause he is too stuck and unwilling to conquer or let go of the hold of his dysfunction... his choice. Yes?

I don't think the first two are options. Why would I subject myself to continuing to speak up? Why would I continue to persue change? He should do that, he doesnt. I think its number three but i do not believe he will attempt to restore a thing. Hes told me many times if I am gone, its over.... so I am thinking that'll be that and so be it. I am not going to believe he will see the light or be uncomfortable, he doesnt think he loses anything if I check out, he believes its my loss and hes a victim of me. So how about number three without aany illusions of restoration? I mean thats like setting myself up to believe some day will come that he will decide to choose his family? Haha. I'd rather not hold on to something hes never done.... and even said he wont do that way. Since hes so in love with what he SAYS and since he is so stuck on his words and is convinced hes right and his thoughts are straight, why shouldnt I be? So how about number three without deluding myself?

Why I'm at it, things are flooding my mind and I'm expressing them here. I would go on a nice, fast walk or jog in order to release them but it's pouring outside......our mouth is a vessel, an instrument that expresses our thoughts, our heart, who we are.....just a few days ago, my husband put on his suit for work. He looks down and then said, "Look..." pointing to a soiled looking spot on his pants. It didn't stand out, it was tiny and I'd not have noticed it had he not pointed. I actually had to say, "what?" and squint as he told me there was a spot. So I said, "oh...." I mean what was I supposed to say? All of this exchange is being said in very normal conversing....no tense feelings, a fine moment. Then he asked in all seriousness with a rather exasperated tone, "You hung this up with a spot on the pants?" I replied, not offended in any way, "um....I didn't notice it obviously." he then asked me if I could get something to get it out as he changed into another suit. I did. Then he told me to put it in with his dry cleaning things. I did. Seems harmless. But it's a harmless reflection of his mentality. First of all, I HAPPILY hang up his suits every day. No complaint, no need for a thank you. It's my pleasure to do so. Why? Because it's a show of my care....of being grateful that he provides for me in a way that allows me to stay home with our children. But his mentality is so stuck...... he's so sensitive to blame that he doesn't accept any responsibility. Obviously he dropped something on those pants last time he wore the suit, while at lunch. That happens. He forgot, he set his suit where he sets all of them when he takes off his work clothes, for me to hang up. I did. Then when he goes to wear it again, he thinks, "you hung this up even though there was something on them?" hahaha. His inability is that thick. Now, I wouldn't point that out to him, it would be nit picking. I wouldn't even get all emotional in the moment, just like I didn't. When does it stand out ? When something big happens and all those dots in my memory connect and I face just how unappreciated I am and just how thick his issues are. Seriously, if that were me, I would have thought, "oh, I forgot I dropped something on this and had you hang it up......." But him? He thinks, "YOU hung these up with a spot on them, and I would have walked out the door with them on had I not noticed....." He not only thinks it, he says it. "I hung up his suit with a spot on the pants......" He will say he appreciates everything I do. In a moment. But in reality, he hasn't a clue.

He's so unsafe for me (as in, in my head/emotions/heart/path, that I honestly don't think talking to him at all is good for me at this time with where I am. I can't talk about issues or what I want.....it will suck me in and I will end up in a not so good place. It takes from me. To talk about nothing or his day or just life.....well then I get sucked in because there is the side of me that enjoys and likes and cares and loves and I LIKE LIFE. But to go about it with him, with all this stuff under the surface, is only a false sense of security waiting to hurt me, so that's not good for me. If I look for that balance, live life, go slowly and in the moment bring it up....same thing, ANY slight issue, not good. I think the safest place for me right now is shut him out, no talking, not letting him in at all. Not even "business" subjects. That's what attorneys are for. His business is winning. That isn't safe. I think that is from strength because I'm honoring my weakness, my need for health.

This morning was rough. My husband asked me if I would tell him one more time, why I'm "so miserable." Oh this rubbed all the unresolved hurt wrong. I cannot stand it when he describes me as "so miserable." As if I am a miserable person that he puts up with and has to deal with like he's such a great guy! But, in spite of the fact that this is what that says to me, I put that aside and let myself take the bait. I put it aside and viewed his effort as sincere. Big mistake, as usual. As usual, I'm left experiencing it as I know it to be. His questions are a set up. No matter how I answer it, I'm left on my head, uncared for and with more blame and "poor him....I'm just never happy with anything he does." I told him that whenever I tell him something that has hurt me, I don't do so to put distance between us. I do so, I come to him because I am wanting closeness. A connection. For him to HEAR what he did, how he did it so he can DO IT DIFFERENT in the future....that's all it is. That if he hears me, ONLY me and then understands that something he did caused something negative in me so he can then ASSURE me he won't do that again, then it's better, I feel close. IT'S THAT SIMPLE. Let's look at how simple that is....without any complicated subject matter. Not even something big or long standing. It would look like this: ME: Hey husband, when you made that joke this morning, it hurt my feelings (created a negative feeling) HIM: Oh? It did? Can you tell me what about it hurt your feelings because I had no idea it would ME: Yes, I just felt put down. Put downs aren't funny to me. It didn't feel like a joke, it felt like a put down. Him: I'm sorry. I won't joke that like again. I do not ever want you to feel put down by me. THE END!!! Assuming the person really never does it again. However, in that moment, all better.....I FEEL CLOSE and the negative gone. IT IS THAT SIMPLE. WHAT IS SO BAD ABOUT THAT? But with him? Even in something simple, it goes like this: Me: when you joked like that, it hurt my feelings Him: no it didn't. I would never hurt your feelings. It was a joke and you know it. me: maybe it was but it hurt my feelings, I didn't think it was funny Him: so now you don't even like my sense of humor. I can't even be myself. I have to watch everything I say because you are so touchie. Me: can't you just hear me and care? Him: I do care. I've proven to you I care. It's never good enough. Me: can't you just apologize Him: all I do is apologize. I spend all my time walking on egg shells around you and apologizing. You just want to find something to be unhappy about Me: No, I don't and what you're doing right now isn't helping. you're making it more than it had to be. Can't you just let it be cleared up Him: always has to be your way, you know everything and you are just so miserable with me. you think I'm such a horrible person me: no, I thought you'd care if something hurt my feelings Him: what about me? me: what about you? him: I have to keep how I feel to myself or world war 3 will start. I can never tell you how I feel you won't care but you have to point out the dumbest things. me: I listen to how you feel all the time. I address it. Why do you always bring stuff like this up when I mention that you hurt my feelings Him: because it reminds me of how much I have to keep bottled up because of you. All you care about is yourself. me: that's odd coming from you. It's like you always tell me things about myself that describe you, it's odd Him: LOOK IN THE MIRROR. I'm so sick of you coming to me and expecting something you never do. you're the biggest hypocrite me: ok, let's drop it. Him: now that I brought something up you want to drop it? unbelievable. I'm sick of your accusations and you've pushed me too far That isn't anything that happened this morning but it's a carbon copy of exactly how it goes. Everytime. Put in it's place something that has REALLY hurt me. And it'll be the same only explosive and his blame will be BIGGER and harsher and with awful definitions of who he says I am and what I'm doing. It never leaves start. It actually stays on start with more weight on me. Why did I bother answering his question this morning? I had no hope. I wasn't delusional. Why? Because I'm not dead enough inside. I'm still a woman first. I'm thinking this is supposed to be a good thing. Yet around him, IT'S NOT. What else can I do but remove myself from how unsafe he is? I even told him today as he was doing it, I put my hand up and said, "why don't you pray, ask God.....here's what your prayer would sound like based on what you're expressing to me and doing to me, "Dear God, I asked my wife a question. She thought I was going to care about her answer or at a minimum, she thought I wanted to hear it. She had enough life left in her, enough desire for me to answer it. I told her how wrong she was for it but she doesn't see it. God, could you please show her how wrong she is to take me seriously and answer a question I asked her honestly?" His response to that was, "You exaggerate and don't get it. I cannot understand your venom." My venom? I was calm, I answered him clearly and in three sentences. He started. I put my hand up and said that about praying and that's what his prayer would sound like. venom? That response brought venom up in me though......I held it back however. You know why? Because I'm invisible to him. I would rather poke my eyes out with hot forks than give him the satisfaction of pointing at me and saying, "see how you are." He's a nut job. He's crazy. He doesn't see himself yet that's all he talks about. He really believes he's a good Christian person. He thinks I am his number one priority and that he shows me how important I am to him everyday and I am just ungrateful and can't stand him. He believes I am looking for excuses to not be with him. He is delusional about himself. He thinks all I say is "blame." It is not.....it's just "can you not do this so I can feel as if you love me." If I never hear the word blame come out of his mouth again it'll be too soon!! the words blame and fault I've grown to dislike because of him. It's all he cares about while saying at the same time, "I don't care about blame or fault, it can all be my fault....." He contradicts himself in the same sentence and in the same action. He has conflicting words, actions and beliefs all in the same afternoon and this changes like the wind. I think he's certifiably disturbed. He isn't ever how it is, he is how he says given whatever he's hearing. Regardless of many actions that disprove what he thinks of himself as or any of his very own words....on again, off again. Here, there. Over, under. Up, down. In, out. I never know. I try to believe one way.....BAM, I say, "that hurt my feelings...." and suddenly it's another. He'll give me something only to take it. IT'S CRAZY! I don't even know if I love him, what there is to love. Sure, he's charming and sweet and giving.....or so it'll appear for a limited amount of time. He can even be funny and fun.....for a limited amount of time. When the time is up, who brings out the other side? Well me of course.....why? cuz I thought the good stuff was real. What's real? What isn't? Who is he? Ever not know whose who? It's scary. Ever doubted your own reality? That's scarier. I've wondered if it is me......maybe I am and do do what he says? I've tried to believe that. I do it his way assuming it is but nothing changes. I wish it were me. If it were, it would have been fixed long ago. I think? See, he gets in me....I'm willing to accept it's me. I've always been willing to accept this and have. He hasn't ever been willing to do that. Not for real. He's to weak. He's so arrogant and right and better than and on and on. He thinks that is strength. "Oh look at her, all out of control with her emotions......she's so weak...." and I see the disgust in his face. Yet he isn't disgusted with himself and the foul language that's come out of his mouth to me or the fear in my face when he's screaming and punching walls or shoving me. He's not disgusted by one single thing about himself and the list is endless. But he's disgusted by the my hurt or my emotions. He isn't disgusted by his actions that don't reflect those of a married, Christian man or father. But he's disgusted by my hurt and mistrust those actions of his have brought. He's not disgusted by the way our daughter is uneasy about him and how she doesn't feel safe with him or even trust his "jokes" to be safe.....but he's disgusted by me because he says I did that to her. He's not disgusted with himself that after all he's put us through and all the hurt he's brought me, that he's taken from me over the past five years instead of put into me while I care for our son with a terminal disease. He's not disgusted with himself all the times he's stayed out drinking and entertaining the crowd while our son was fighting a battle but he's disgusted when I leave and he doesn't get to see his son everyday. This is all just so backwards. None of it is right. I don't even care about fair.....I'll settle for less twisted and disturbing. Fair? ha..... I don't even want or need even. JUST LESS DISTURBING. Even that's too much. He's a nut job. I see nothing more in him.

Thank you. I will stay connected because unlike him, I am well aware of where I go wrong for myself (and him in the big picture). I end up losing the big picture. I get worn down by his wrong actions and I end up acting from the off balance, self doubt. Then I persue him, I apologize and want our marriage. This only enables him to stay the same and that brings me pain. My challenge walking this out is not giving into the what his immaturity has created in me....that unresolved pain in need of healing. Only, it won't get healed by me taking responsibility for HIS limitations. For now, I can only focus on keeping what its done to me in check and not fear the hurt. I can't rely on him with it as is anyway so I would only be going to the devil to try and stop it so to speak. That isn't healthy is it? Plus, I deserve to have a husband who wants to stop it. Yet I don't. So whats the difference when I give in? It doesn't stop it. Its hard for me when he tells me I hurt him. I'm determined to not accept that though. I mean times I've left before, he says that yet his actions arent those of a hurt man. They are those of an immature, low character 15 year old having his party time. I am just talking out loud right now of how it goes in the past so that a week from now, if I start feeling hurt I can read my own words and remind myself that this is how it has always gone and I can do it different. I can remind myself that this is my part of this journey that I can walk through and that what he does the same as usual, is expected and not anything for me to act upon except to stay stronger in my NEED for better. If he's not on board, I can have better by keeping him out of my world because with him or without him, its the only way to better! Right now, hes showing hes not on board. I have to stay on board from this place. That has to be my focus. Thats the place of strength. And i have to let myself talk about when I feel weak to safe people because that is from a place of strength too. Ok, I can do this!

Oh and its offical in my mind, I do not believe he will persue me or our marriage. I believe he will be one of those that will go out and find a new girl immediately to feel better. I am not going to let myself be hostage to such immaturity. I will let him be hostage to it. I am standing in what is right now. Right now, who he is can be his problem and God bless the girl he seeks to fool.

Hi there! Heres where things are: After the call that night, I took the next day for myself. I caught up on sleep from the previous nights at the hospital with our son, I visited with a good friend, I ate a good dinner and I went and had a pedicure. After that, I emailed him your response on apologies. He responded to that email with, "you're having other people pick apart my communication." I took a deep breath.... I told him that I was under the impression he wanted to understand and learn, so I was bringing a means for him to do such and that it isnt anything I havent tried to convey to him myself, for years every which way known to man. I told him that it seems no matter what I say, hes stuck turning into all its not. I told him that his method needs to be picked apart, that he should join in on picking it apart and rebuilding a new method. I told him I am on board with learning and moving forward with new information and "how to's" because I want a good life, for us. I told him if that isn't possible then that is because of HIS choice to stay stuck but I will not stay stuck with him. I told him he needs to involve himself with the process and that means working with the grown up people in this ministry who have been there, done that. I told him I want him on the callstwice a week at least and I expect him to listen and follow the direction even IF he thinks its wrong.... I told him that it is ok with me that he thinks its wrong information because hes so into his dysfunctional , set way, that he cant know the difference right now. He tried to debate me. I held my hand up and said theres no discussion, its a choice, this way or not but if its not, then i interpret that as hes refusing to give me a safe marriage. He shut up. Here we are today and at dinner he made one of his "jokes" about this ministry. After his "joke" he said, "are you going to take it personally that I dont agree with everything your heros have to say about everything being my fault." I calmly said, "no. What you said hurt me. Because it was degrading to me. THAT i dont take personally, I take as a sign that you will continue to put yourself before the greater good of our family. THAT I do not want or need." He didnt talk. I havent either. Monday, I WILL make ot offical in action not in words. I already told him.... I do NOT have to repeat it, I will show it. The end. The rest is his deal. I did my part. I will NOT suffer over his deal. He can suffer over his deal in whatever form that takes.

Thank you. I regained strength hearing from you and your husband tonight. You guys are right, the support is a needed blessing I have to provide myself regardless of the direction my husband goes with the seeds that have been planted. I have used up my energy for years, trying to have a good relationship with him, at the expense of my own well being....just how he likes it, this isolates me from the the right kind of needed support which only enables him to stay the same. I find peace and a calmness surrounding the safety of good, balanced Christian helpers. For the first time in a long time, I have a solid plan that is safe and support from those who have walked the plan, is strength to draw from and stand by. The peace is from knowing that no matter what he does, wont change where I am going/wanting/walking.... thats sanity.... Ive missed my sanity, lol. Its dusty right now but I am shining it up, little by little. For years I have been on the "Grin and bare" plan.... bye bye to that. The most freeing part of this process is closing the door on that and stepping into "I refuse to suffer...." well, that is something I am so grateful for. I thank God for bringing to me such awesome people to learn from. Yay.. good caring people that "get it" without me having to exhaust myself explaining.... Ive spent 11 years trying to explain and explain and explain. Yet without dozens of tiny details to irrelavent things, you guys just "get it" and I am not crazy or demanding or warped or on and on.... I forgot what its like to talk to good, caring people.... this is all so odd.... I am raw at how deprived I have been.... its surreal. I DONT HAVE TO DO THAT ANYMORE!!!! I can lay it to rest.... this is a dream come true even IF my husband stays the same. Thats the best part! What if he doesnt change? Has been such an energy sucker.... now I think, "if he doesnt, thats his deal....and if he doesnt, I am grateful to not be him...." I used to wish I could be in his shoes so I could not care like he does. Or at least be able to not feel anything like he seems to be able to do. Ugh... I dont ever want to be that sick.

Hi everyone. A quick update, we had a private marriage intensive this past weekend. It was rough but I learned a lot. It was good for me even if it doesnt bring my husband any change....and, maybe it will, who knows. I am grateful for what it brought here. Today, i sent my husband regarding why I was upset over something he did last night. I explained how its been ongoing for many years and why I find it hurtful and causes me to lose trust (no not build any). He replied. His reply is typical except it sounds nicer. So i think he believes hes "got this down". In reality, its the exact same, backwards apology that is really blaming....and more. When I was not as reaponsive or as pleased with his response as he seemed to be, Kathy suggested I post his response here and show him others opinions instead of trying to point it out to him myself. He thinks his reaponse is caring, taking full reaponsibility and apologizing. I find it to be dismissive, avoiding, justifying and blaming..... as if I am still standing with my first email to him and his response is, "well heres how it is...and so how it is should change how you feel." Do you guys see this as caring or taking responsibility as my husband sees it? Heres the email: I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. I can promise you it's not my reality. Let's go back to that time. I presented you with a document and was fully ready, willing and excited to get it done. You didn't sign it. We didnt get it done. Fast forward to the past several years. I haven't had more than six months of happy, peaceful bliss in a row without you leaving for quite some time. MY fault.......fine, whatever. I'll claim it. The fact is we've been on again, off again constantly. We've been a total dysfunctional relationship that deserves to be healed and then sealed. I'm really sorry if you're taking this as some sort of excuse but it's just not. It's reality. I've hung in past where I ever thought I could because i love you and yes I would like for our relationship to finally be healthy. Love, ----

Sure thing, will call you guys in next hour when I get home. I am looking forward to it as well!

Hey guys, I submitted the deposit. I tried to purchase two in my cart but after I hit submit, I think it only purchased one based on the confirmation email I got shortly after. I will purchase another if thats the case per my talk with joel regarding deposit. Is there an email address I can email you guys directions/details, etc? Thanks again, I am looking forward to learning.

Great. She goes to college out ofstate and is coming here for it with her team. My husband has asked her to let him know today what time she races. She cant leave the event but he only stays for her races, not all of them. So i will post back with that info and we can go from there whether or not there is any need to change the weekend. I am thinking there May not be any need to do so now that you guys said it may not be any issue for any thing.

The only time he will be able to see her, is during the event (she rows/crew) which takes place on the saturday about 45 min away. If this sounds good, then great, we can keep the weekend the same! You guys sure put it in perspective, how simple! This sounds very easy and workable. Great then, all stays the same as planned, I am looking forward to it!

Hi kathy and Joel, After getting with my husband, the weekend we discussed doesn't work for one reason that is actually, excuseable... his oldest daughter, from a previous marriage, will be in the area from college for a sporting event for which she is involved. He was even apologetic to me, because he knows this is important to me and he is, at least acting, as if it is to him as well. He has started apologizing as described in the book. He has the words down at times but the music isn't in his heart yet.... if that makes sense. I respond warmly at his attempts as it was said I should. I will still put down the deposit.... can we find another equally workable date to set and look forward to? That was the only weekend in feb that had something for us. Let me know and we can plan from there. I am greatly looking forward to this step. Thank you very much.

He hates when I leave. Why do I leave instead of making him leave? Because he would like it, have less responsibility and come and go as he pleased while feeling as though he was "taking care of us." He would love for me to be in the home, he wants to know where I am and that I am still under his thumb. Am i ready for him to walk away? I guess not. What I am ready for is him to actively work with someone to help him get himself grown up. He said he would like to work on it for us and be willing to work with whoever I choose (i wont let him choose, he will fool a counselor, have done that before and it makes it worse). I think i am willing to try if i thought we had the right help. Otherwise, I will walk away. Hes abusive and i am just ready for a change of how its worked on.

Hi, Unfortunately, three minutes before the call, my son had a seziure. I spent the night in the hospital. I will call in tonight. I have called Kathy, twice last week and no call back, I am sure you guys are very busy. I was hoping to do a weekend with you guys in our area as I read about on the page regarding services. Our son is medically fragile, he is with me at all times (at least within distance I am available at all times) during this chapter of his life/our life. I understand the alcohol issue, he has done treatments before when trying to convince me he is trying. Narcissism is a good word for what controls it. He can stay away and clear from alcohol until his narcissim gets in the way of that. That isnt limited to just alcohol related situations. I will keep reading, learning, trying, praying and ignore him as best i can through the process.

Good idea! I will. His problem, made me kinda giggle.... at myself, this is good yes? He is perfect and its me. So I should say my problem with his perfection. Thanks again, I will call tonight.

I assure you guys he has no need to address alcohol issues. He has a big problem with his character and the disconnect is in his thoughts of who he thinks he is vs actions repeated that show otherwise. Why does he end up having drank too much? His need to impress far exceeds his need to drink. No joke. This isnt denial on my part. Viewing it as an alcohol problem first sure would be.

I have no problem laying them, I am lost on how to handle what will happen next. He will refuse and say he will work on it if I am home but if I am not, there isn't anything to work on. He will insist I am misleading him blah blah... telling me I just dont want to be there and am to dishonest to say it.... throw in more... hes convinced its true.

Hopefully I picked the right forum... I dont know if my husband is resisting, refusing, agreeing or faking. I dont know if I am coming or going or where I am on the map. I am trying to sort this out because I do not want to cave in from anxiety or manipulation or emotional fatigue. I am emotionally worn down. My husband and I have been married 11 years. They have all been difficult, the past 4 more difficult. I have left a few times these last few years. The last time, I was gone for over 7 months.... I returned after the blame wore me down. I was back home, giving it my best shot. As it usually goes, all is fantastic, unless I notice, out loud, when my husband breaks his word. The second I say anything, the struggle begins (much like I read about in the first book). The battle ends with it all on me. Then, hes this great guy he believes himself to be until next time. Repeat, endlessly. Here is the behavior he repeats over and over, that I speak out about (there are probably others just as "not ok" but this is the one that he hasnt gotten me to overlook). It will go something like this: he will have plans to golf, he will be home around 1. He doesnt come home at 1, or 2 or 3 or 4. I will call to make sure all is ok. He wont answer. Or call (only times he wont call or answer are these). He will come home around 10, drunk... loud. Sometimes mad, if he thinks I may be. Or it could look like this: he will have a dinner for work at 7 with clients. He will be home arond 10. Hes not. Come midnight, no call, no answer. He will come home at 3 am, drunk, loud and obnoxious, cant talk or walk. But creates chaos because he wont just pass out either. Or it looks like this: hes out of town for a conference. He will have a dinner and will call me afterward. He doesnt. Nor will he answer. He may call finally, at 4 am, drunk, cant understand him and will become mean because i have to say "what..." over and over because I cannot understand him. Not to mention, he will have told me he will not be going out after dinner. For 11 years, this is what I have asked him to STOP. It isnt weekly, or monthly. It is consistently though. It is more often than not, in town or out of town for work, when he makes plans (golf, a quick drink with friends or out of town...). It would look like an affair but, it isnt. Its that he is so into himself, impressing whoever is around and alcohol is involved, and he does not care about anything else. He isnt accountable to anything and doesnt care to deal with anything that could say, "you cNt do this..." so he figures, "oh iwill deal with her tomorrow" which means "make it all her fault later." When i say "not an affair, I mean he does not have any on going relationship. Does he flirt? Yes. Misrepresent who he is? Yes (to me and those around when hes pulling one of these stunts) and do i put it past him to have a one night stand when out of town? Nope. He will say otherwise of course. I do not have proof of a one night stand but i know just the same. When hes really pushed it, (caught in a lie) he will admit to a lessor crime and stick to it. But now a days, its all in my head, he doesnt do that, i am just crazy. Over the years I have told him what this behavior says to me.... so why he would want to put himself in a position tl say that to me, is sick. He used to promise to not do it again... until he would. Now he wont even do that. He will "try" not to after i go on and on. He cant promise because he isnt perfect, he says (takes percection to not do something?) Which to me, is just him not commiting because he knows he will. 3 weeks ago, he did the first one (golf, home at 1...). I had been back home for 4 months and it was his 3rd time doing it. Upon getting home, he fell. Broke his collar bone requiring surgery. Two days after his surgery I left. The struggle he put up, I was exhausted with (like in the book... he does this "thing" any time he hurt me. A need? "I need you to be who you say you are?" He doesnt think hes the type of person who does the same thing over and over for 11 years. "I need you to come home and not go out to bars" this is crazy... as if this is an abnormal, huge need? In my eyes, its a given. Since I left three weeks ago, hes promised to care about my feelings because i am important... he will work on not doing thos but if he does, he will "take responsibility" and care about my feelings. This is his insincere promise to me. But at the same time as that very mediocre and odd promise, he has yelled, blamed, turned around on me, justified, minimized, debated, resisted and made implied threats. Is vague, continually says "forget it, I'm done" and other things he knows have created a lot of insecurity for me. I found the book "man of her dreMs/woman of his" a week ago. I read it and was overwhelmed. EXACTLY what i have tried to tell him, over and over and over. But he is always right and i am wrong (only about my needs and feelings). I asked him to read it. He did. I prayed it aould reach him... i prayed it would get in him just enough to sound sincere. To be sincere. He said he liked it, he was vague... so i asked, "well what about an intensive, i think it might be good for us. Wouldnt hurt, what do you think?" He said "ok, I'm in..." i couldnt believe it! Really? Hes in? Yes, hes in. (This was in text). An hour later, i called him to hear him say hes in. No answer. He called back at 11. Clear he had been drinking. I told him i thought he was at home? That ONE question unleashed the beast. I had no right to ask him where hes been (just an hour ago, he was "in" for three weeks, he will care about my feelings, taken back... 24 hours prior, he finished book....). On and on came his blame and turn around which is opposite message of "im in" Today? He will work on it however i want if i go home. Now. If not, hes done waiting. (Hes been waiting?) And i have to not leave. He puts it that i leave as if that means I am a bad person. He cant see that his behavior INVITES me to leave. Hes more stuck on what my leaving does to himand says about me to him. Its exhausting. Living with the changing ways is exhausting. He wants us home, forget it. He cares about my feelings, except when it matters most. He will try, he wont unless i am home. He wants to show me I am important to him...he cant unless I am home. Right when I soften, ok... "its this way...." wham, he takes it all back. Of course in his mind, i do this to him. Ive no idea where to start... or is it stop? Step off? Or on? Head spinning!!