mommynpunkin

Thanks I'm a little late getting your message. Can I call one afternoon this week?

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I have soooooo much to be thankful for that I could write a book! Sadly, the devil is trying to take my joy this holiday season because of some things I have to take care of regarding the divorce. I am rewriting and resending the papers. Every time I have attempted to file something has stopped it. They've been mailed back to me, lost in the shuffle and rejected. Also, J has asked me not to file or made attempts to work things out. This time I am pushing it regardless of what happens. I'm making multiple copies and mailing them in all directions around the globe if I have to to catch up with him. I feel like a "Joel and Kathy dropout" because this has gone on for so long. Would it have been different if I had pushed it earlier. Maybe. Maybe not. I believe God is in the details and through many different circumstances, it has worked out that NOW I feel the push to file. Up until now I have felt a huge NO NO NO. I can't explain this when I know the councel is to not wait. I just know how the details have played out. I have peace about the choices I've made. November 1st I started doing 30 days of prayer while I get my paperwork together and my mind in agreement. I'm praying solely for a miracle. Maybe it's a selfish prayer, but once this month is over, I do not plan to pray along those lines anymore. I am having to force myself to face reality. I have not heard anything from J since a short call in April. Prior to that was the whole "I'm joining the Army so I can take care of you and N" lie that lasted from last fall until April. Well, last week I was told that there is a good possibility that J has a new child. Now I'm left with the thought of which child is he responsible for. Both I guess. But I no longer feel like I can ask God to take him away from another child to be with one who really doesn't even know him. This is the one area I had thought about, but never expected. I'm not sure what J & K's advice is regarding another child as a result of the adultery. I plan to continue my 30 days of prayer until the end of the month, get my paperwork in order and file Dec 1. I have a few days off for Thanksgiving so hopefully I can get it all done. J has betrayed me and N for a long time now, but this most recent turn is probably the hardest to stomach. It is complete betrayal, abandonment and disregard for N. Two weeks ago, N asked me if his daddy loves him. I told him yes, but that he had made some very bad choices which caused him to move away. Then he asked when he would get to see his daddy. I told him I didn't know. N will be 5 next month so I'm careful how much I say to him, but when he asks straight forward questions, I give him honest answers. I figure if he understands enough to ask deep questions then I owe him an answer. I told him that his daddy chose to not love Jesus like we do and because of his bad choices, he lives far away and doesn't come see us. Then N asked if his daddy was going to go to Hell. Wow..... I'm thankful that N understands that process, but I'm sad that his heart is questioning that at such a young age. I just reminded him that when someone doesn't love Jesus then they cannot go to Heaven and we should pray for them to love Jesus. He seemed satisfied with my answers and hasn't asked since, but I know it's something that he thinks about because his teacher told me that when they have their prayer wall every Wednesday, he always asks prayer for his daddy "who lives and works a long way away". My heart is broken. I'm now realizing a big downfall of waiting. Re-experiencing some of those heartbreaks that I have not felt in a long time. God is so good and I know I'm right in His will. The tears are back and they come quickly and unexpectedly. Thank you all for helping me even though I'm a very bad example of the process.

Ok sounds good I will check for it over there!

Hello everyone Sorry it's been so long since I've posted! Time sure does fly by when you are busy! I quit my job as of July 5 and spent an awesome month with N and was able to do some extra ministering and helping with some friend and church situations that came up. God is soooooo good!!!!! This school year I've gone back to teaching at a Christian school. I prayed that when it was time for N to start school that I would be able to go back to teaching and PRAISE THE LORD!!!! I was able! I am teaching a 4 year old Kindergarten class (ABeka) and N started in the same. Plus, he can attend for FREE! Also, a close friend I taught with before lets us carpool with her AND she is N's teacher! God's plan is so perfect! I am loving the job and my kids are great! It's been almost 8 years since I taught 4 year olds so I was a bit nervous, but it's going great. Over Labor Day weekend, N and I were blessed to be able to go to New Mexico to a friend's wedding and then to San Diego for a few days. We went to Sea World which was awesome and then we got to spend a few hours with J's grandparents. I was VERY nervous because I hadn't really even spoken to them over the last 4 years. The last phone call ended on really bad terms and the emails have been few and far between. However, I prayed that if God would work out the details of the trip, then I would make the effort to introduce N to his great grandparents. When I emailed them, they were excited to meet with us! Grandma is not in good health so we were only able to spend a few hours, but they invited us to come back for a week or so and stay WITH THEM! Maybe next summer. I really felt like they were extending a family "arm" if that makes sense and it made me so thankful that I took N to see them. At one point, Grandma turned around and whispered to me that I had raised an amazing little boy. She made several similar comments and I think I smiled for 10 minutes LOL It really meant a lot to me considering that fact that I really didn't think they thought very highly of me. I feel like I mended a bridge and again, I am soooooo thankful God made it happen!!! They also made a few comments that made me think they don't hear much from J either. I kinda assumed they stayed in close contact, but I'm thinking they probably cut off the money supply so he has moved on. It's really sad. They seem to be very loving, caring people. Since we've been home, they have sent N a gift and a very nice note that said they loved BOTH of us (this is a change from before) and asked me to please stay in more frequent contact. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! I'm so glad that bridge has been rebuilt! As for J, I sent him a text picture of N's first day of school. I got a reply of "he's so cute" which was obviously NOT J (which was confirmed by a later text) but the person (still not sure who it was...seemed feminine) said they would pass the picture on to J. I guess I was just fishing.... probably shouldn't have sent it to begin with. Other than that little event, I haven't had any contact with J since the first of April when he said I had made up the story about him joining the Army. I have been getting a little child support. About half what I should get. Arrears are over $7000 so I could probably push a court case, but I've got to work myself up to that LOL I talked to his First Sgt who said there wasn't much he could do. He's only in the National Guard one weekend a month and about the only thing that can be done is taking his rank, but then he won't get paid as much so it's defeating the purpose. He did confirm that J has another full time job, but he couldn't tell me what it was and said he would check with base legal to see if he could tell my local support office. He said he would get back with me in 2 days and that was about a month ago. I called on Monday and was told the First Sgt had been promoted and moved to another station and that things worked really slow with the Army so just give the new guy time. Okie Dokie...... In other news.... satan is hitting my church hard right now and wowzers he's fighting with all he's got to split it up. I've started a Ladies Prayer night and we've got some people praying hard. Satan won't get the victory, but he's not giving up without a fight! God is still on the throne and boy is He faithful!!!

Yeah they are saying it started by a lightning strike. Last I heard it was 85% contained and had burned about 40,000 acres. That was a few days ago so I'm not sure if it has changed. Thankfully, it's not bad until late evening into the early mornings. We had VBS last week and one of the nights was extremely smoky out. The wind had shifted and the church is only a few miles from the fire. Today it's pretty smoky out there too, but at least it's breezy. I haven't seen much ash since those first two weeks or so. One morning I got up and my porch was covered in it! And when we would open the car doors, the suction would send the settled ash flying everywhere! Thank you all for your prayers!! As far as I know there have been no deaths or lost homes.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy!! LOL Like I live in a bubble and am dreaming things that aren't really happening.... I guess that would be hallucinating LOL Please say a prayer for us. I'm on the NC coast and we are getting heavy smoke and ash from close wild fires. Kinda scary! We are not in immediate threat of the fire, but it's hard to breathe outside and it's starting to float inside.

Wow time sure does go by quickly! LOL I have some awesome news to share with you all! The marriage is still a thumbs down, but God has been so good in so many other areas! I did apply to the Christian school and am thrilled to say that I am confident that I have the job!!! I will be teaching 4 year old kindergarten and N will be in the class next door. I am just waiting for the principal to call me to come in to sign the contract. She said it would be mid to the end of June so hopefully next week sometime. The salary is very close to what I make now and N can attend for free!!! Well, my next idea was maybe I could stay part time at my current job for extra money. At work we have a Pharmacy manager (my direct boss) and the store manager. It's a private owned pharmacy with an OTC/gift store. So I asked the store manager if she would be willing to work me 2-3 days a week just in the evenings and she said that would be great because she was going to hire someone anyways. We both agreed (as did the lady who is basically the assistant to the owner) that it would be a good idea to wait to tell my direct boss until I knew for sure I had the job and when I would be starting. I think I've mentioned before how difficult my boss it. I've been accused of all kinds of things like stealing narcotics, taking part in a robbery at gun point a year ago, spending too much time in the bathroom and on and on. All the accusations are completely false and ridiculous which is why I've never been written up or carried off to jail LOL However, my boss (and one of the other techs) has a great deal of contempt toward me because I live my Christianity. He has demanded that I lie to customers on several occasions and has thrown a fit when I refused. So I would say 99% of the accusations against me are directed at my Christian character. He and the other tech (strangely she was a ss teacher at my church and the one that got me the job to begin with) have thrown sooooooo many darts, but they seem to bounce off me because they are false. Thankfully so far I have not been set up falsely, but I imagine if I stayed long enough it would happen. I have visions of them slipping pills in my lunch bag or something just to try to get me for stealing. They are that crazy!! They even smashed cupcakes that I had brought for a holiday treat. Smashed them right on top of each other just to be mean. These two are in their mid 40's and act like they're about 12. So about 4 weeks ago, I was on the phone with a customer discussing her meds and she asked me if I knew much about the Christian schools in town. I answered her questions and we were on the phone 13 minutes. About 5 minutes was spend talking about the schools. I know the call was 13 minutes because my boss came flying into the office hollering at me about being on a personal phone call and I had just glanced over at the time log on the phone. He shouted at me in front of everyone and demanded that I get off the phone. The customer heard him and apologized and we hung up. This was just a few minutes before the end of my shift. The next morning the store manager saw me as I was coming in to work and she warned me that my boss was "on the rampage" and had already been to her saying he was going to fire me for being on a "30 minute personal phone call". LIE LIE LIE She had promised me she would not say anything about me quiting for the school job, but she felt like due to the circumstances, she should tell him to hopefully buy me the summer. She figured if he knew I was quitting then he wouldn't fire me. So for 2 weeks, he never mentioned it to me. But I was being told by other employees and also the other pharmacists that he was asking them for info and asking what they thought about my job performance. Everyone knows how difficult he is so we sort of give each other a heads up when we know someone's on the chopping block. He is very quick to talk bad about the employees. Then about 2 weeks ago, it was time to get the new schedule and I mentioned to him about needing to get off early for our evening VBS. He has always worked with me before so I figured he would again this year. However, he got pretty huffy and said we needed to have a meeting with the store manager. At the beginning of the meeting, I noticed the schedule and saw that he had me scheduled for 1 day of work during a 7 day period. When I asked why, he said "don't you think you have something to tell me?" I was confused, but when I asked him what he was talking about, he just kept asking me the same thing about 5 times. Then I realized he must have been talking about the school job. Long story short, he accused me of telling everyone before him and I should be ashamed of myself because he's my SUPERIOR!!!! and that he has ANIMOSITY towards me and didn't give me any hours because he couldn't trust me to not just quit without notice. ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS!!!! School doesn't even start until August!!!! Since when do you have to give a 3 month notice that you're going to quit? I told him that I didn't have any info to give him because I hadn't even signed a contract yet! Then he accused me of gossiping and how I call myself a Christian yet I lie and go behind his back and yada yada yada. The crazy thing is that he said EVERYONE knew before he did, but the fact is that the only reason those people knew is because HE HIMSELF started asking them and then they started coming to me and asking me!!! I'M NOT THE ONE THAT TOLD THEM!!! HE IS!!!!! LOLOLOLOL Any other time when he has blown a gasket accusing me of mess I've always denied, but have been very respectful and didn't say much back to him. However, this time I let him have it! I made him so angry that he finally got up, stomped out and slammed the door. After he walked out, that's when it hit me and I started crying. The store manager was still in there and she apologized to me about telling him. I assured her I was not upset because she felt like she was doing the right thing and I knew that God had a purpose for all that was happening. I felt bad for her ending up in the middle of it. Well, ever since I'd had the original interview in May, I had been praying for God to show me if I should stay on part time, work the summer, or just quit. I still didn't know for sure. So I told the store manager that I felt like God was working and I would let her know the next morning what my decision was. Then I text everyone I could think of and asked them to pray for God to guide me. Side note---The previous Sunday in SS, the teacher was talking about the night the disciples didn't catch any fish. Then the man from shore yelled and told them to cast on the right side of the ship. Then they pulled in so many the boat couldn't hold them. That's when John said, "That's our Lord!". Then Peter jumped out of the boat and swam to shore. When he got there, Jesus already had a fish dinner prepared for them. As many times as I had heard and read that story, it never really hit me until that moment. Jesus didn't need their fish. He provided their full nets for their benefit. Even though He already had a fish dinner prepared before they knew they needed it. It was like a light bulb went on! I don't need what J might be able to give me through military service. I don't need to stay in a job where I'm treated so badly. Even though so many people had told me and I knew it already, hearing it straight from the Holy Spirit just did it for me!!!!! It's an amazing experience to hear that still small voice. So fast forward back to the Wednesday office meeting. I had my friends praying and I was praying for God to show me the answer before I had to go to work on Thursday at noon. When I woke up Thursday morning I prayed because I still didn't know. I told the Lord how it was 10am and how I needed the answer before noon. I was washing dishes and it popped into my head to call child support just to check in. When the lady looked up my account she said, "Ma'am, you didn't know that you had money in your account?". I immediately started crying and then she told me how much. J has been having his wages garnished since April!!!!!!!! There's enough money in there to cover the 2 paychecks I would miss by quitting now!!!!!!!! I said to the woman, "Praise God!!! I've got to tell you how good He has been to me!!!" and I told her about the SS message and that I was praying about quitting my job and God provided that money for me before I even knew I needed it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She started laughing with me and then she was praising God too!!!!! ---Now I know why J was soooo angry when I talked to him the first of April! His check had been garnished and he was mad! But the funny part is that I didn't even know it then!!!! So I went to work at noon and told the store manager (who reminded me how I'd already said God would provide) that I would work through the pay period ending July 5. I was not going to turn in a formal notice yet, but that way she would go on and hire someone else to fill her empty spot. I've been telling everyone I talk to how good God is!!!!!!! He has given me so much to be thankful for and has definitely given me something to praise Him for!!!!! Since then, I've been second guessing my decision a little, but then I thought, God has been too good and the answer was too perfect for me to go back on my part. I'm going to stick with it on faith. I don't know if J will continue paying. I don't know what the future holds, but I know WHO holds the future!!! Well, things have been tense at work with my boss. Even one of the other pharmacists told me to keep my chin up because the boss is just being spiteful. I was off on Monday, but on Thursday, one of the other techs asked me if I'd heard about what happened Monday night. I hadn't and she told me how the boss had given a woman 180 pills (narcotics) for free. She had already gotten a months supply TWICE in less than two weeks and the boss said it must have been a mistake (even though both 30 day supplies had been paid through insurance and picked up) so he gave her an ADDITIONAL 30 day supply FOR FREE!!!!! Didn't run them through insurance or anything!!! So that drug abusing woman got 540 high strength Percocet (a 90 day supply) within 2 weeks. Well, the boss has been doing a lot of that stuff lately. I didn't know any of that before the tech told me and I said that I remembered him talking to someone on Wednesday about it, but just that he realized he had made a bad judgement call. At that point, I didn't know what he was talking about. Well, yesterday when I got to work, I had been standing at the pharmacy counter for about 3 minutes and I heard him say from behind me, "I have something I need to say and you're just going to listen and not say a word!." He didn't address me so I didn't know who he was talking to. Just that he was yelling at someone. Then he went on to say, "I was told by several people that you had a great time standing at this counter yesterday gossiping about me." At this point, I turned around and he was standing just a few inches from me and I realized he was talking to me!! He continued shouting at me!!!! He said that he was told by several people that I said I didn't like him (LIE LIE LIE) at which point I said to him, "I am NOT going to stand here and get screamed at in front of these customers and my fellow employees. If you have something to say to me then we need to go to the office." I turned and walked to the office and he stood at the counter literally screaming my name and telling me that I better get back to the counter NOW. I walked to the back of the office and finally he came to the office door, but he stood outside of the office so everyone could hear him continue to yell at me. He said how he had been a pharmacist for 26 years (not true to begin with) and how he knew so much more than me and I had no right to question a decision he made and he went on and on and on. He also said, "You call yourself a Christian and yet you're going to stand at the counter and gossip about me?" Funny how he keeps throwing at me that I'm a Christian... The other tech came to me about it and I just commented on how I hope he doesn't get in trouble. Some of that liability falls on us as techs so I certainly don't consider that gossiping. At the end he said, "You are treading on thin ice girl! And you better get back to that counter right now and don't leave it." He started to walk away and then came back and said, "Do you understand me? Do you understand what I've said to you?" He shouted all of it, but I never said a word back except "Yes, sir" at the end. I had a lot I wanted to say, but I know better than to argue with a fool. I walked back to the counter and started filling prescriptions. Within 5 minutes he was acting jolly and joking with me and acting like nothing had happened. However, I felt like I was having an internal anxiety attack. It took everything inside of me to keep it from showing. The only outward show of it was the fact that I was shaking so hard I couldn't even write out the necessary paperwork for a prescription. The shaking lasted about 45 minutes and then I was ok. Some of the people who heard the mess came to me during the day to offer support and encouragement. Everyone knows how he is, but in my two years of working there, I have never seen him act like he did to me yesterday. I'm putting in my notice on Monday. I had already planned on it, but now I'm DEFINITELY doing it. And it seems that someone who was in the pharmacy and heard what when on called a good friend of mine and told her about it. I found out today that she called the owner (who works as a pharmacist at a sister store), told him what happened and that she was taking her business elsewhere. She said the owner assured her that he would take care of the problem. Whatever that means... Don't know how it will all turn out, but I'm soooooo content in knowing that Jesus is taking care of one of His girls!!! I'm thrilled about the teaching position and can't get over how much closer I will be to N and be able to spend more time with him. Wow...this post is REALLLLLY long, but I guess this is the only place I can vent. Thanks again for listening and I'm so glad I can post that good things are happening!!!!!! Even in the midst of some bad LOL

Thank you for your words Pure. I've read them over and over since you posted and I've just been sort of waiting for April to roll around to see what J was going to do. The thought of "he's still controlling you" hit me like a ton of bricks Saturday night. I'm not sure why. I had thought it before and because of the extra money I was willing to allow that control to continue. So I sent him a text that just said "hey". He did not reply until about 7am Sunday morning and I asked him if he was going to go active duty Army this month. My understanding all along was that he was waiting for a spot to open up for basic training and it would be Mid-April or so. He text me back and then called me and started arguing with me that he never said he was going active duty and how he was working 2 full time jobs and basically that it was none of my business. What a lie! He made it all out like I was making up stories and didn't know what I was talking about. So there goes another 8 months of my time waiting for him to act. Back in September I sent him $50 worth of paperwork so that he could enlist. Some of those were original documents like social security cards that I never got back. (He said he would mail them back.) So now I'm going to have to pay even more to order new cards for myself and for N. Bottom line. The plans I had made for the next several months, based on the money I thought I would be getting, have gone down the drain. Am I surprised? Definitely not! Am I disappointed? Oh yes...once again... So now I can't buy the car I'm looking at and can't move to the house I was looking at. Maybe God will make another way if it's His will. Pure you said, "If YOU do not make him responsible for his wrong.....who will? YOU are his only help-meet." You're absolutely right. It is very clear that no one else is holding him responsible. There is another warrant out for him in NC, but even child support is giving me the run around. He's a member of the National Guard and STILL they can't seem to track him down. N deserves better than this. I deserve better than this. I am also comforted a bit by your agreement that when the Bible talks about widows, God is also talking about divorced women. I've struggled so much with others who treat divorce so flippantly. People who say to me just get on with life or make it out to be no big deal. It is a big deal! Is it so much worse to lose someone through death than it is through complete abandonment? Is it supposed to be easier to deal with because he hates me and left me??? Good grief!!! Sometimes I just want to shake people who have that opinion! Through some recent reading I've been doing, it's very clear that God has reserved certain judgment for those who deal harshly with the fatherless and the widows. Malachi 3 for example. All of that said, I'm also taking another leap of faith. I'm putting in an application to go back teaching at a local Christian school. N will start school in the fall and this way he would be able to attend a Christian school and I will not have to pay upwards of $300 a month for it. He should go free if I'm a teacher. I'm taking my application in tomorrow so please help me pray for God's will. It is probably less pay, but I am desperate to be in full time Christian service. I'm also going to do a few other things tomorrow that I'm terrified about, but that need to be done. They are things having to do with my marriage so I beg you to please lift me up in prayer. I fear posting it on here now in case J is reading (there's about a negative % chance of that, but you never know). When it's over I will fill you in. Thank you so much for your prayers!

Yes he will still have to pay, but it's the difference of $300 and potentially $1000 or maybe more. I don't know until he's at a duty station. I barely make $1000 a month now. Doubling that would make such an unbelievable difference for me. We can have a home that isn't about to come crashing down around us and that doesn't reek with mold that comes back a few days after I scrub it gone. I've looked into other jobs, but nothing seems to pay much more than I make now. Not to mention the amount of hours I have to spend away from N. Plus I'm still fighting the battle about driving. I'm terrified. It's like telling someone who's afraid of hights to go skydiving. People (family/friends) talk about it like it's no big deal and how ridiculous it is that I don't drive. I KNOW it's keeping me back from so much. I KNOW THAT! I've prayed and prayed and I get behind the wheel and I just can't do it. So I divorce him. I collect the $300 a month for child support. Then what? I know I need to trust God for the rest. I have been. I have trusted Him to take care of us for the last 3 years. He has taken care of us. I am so thankful for the little bit we do have. I was talking to a friend a few days ago and they said to me, "It's like you don't think you deserve better than mold and abuse." No one's ever said that to me. I deserve Hell. That's how I've always thought about it. I deserve Hell and it's only by the grace of God that I was put in the position and can understand how to accept Christ's sacrifice and shed blood. Do we really "deserve" more than that? Is it ok to expect God to provide a nice home and a nice car and such things? Why do I feel like I'm sinning by wanting more? Why is it wrong to take the bread that's being offered? I know God can do so much more and I've been trusting Him to do that. I've begged him for literally years for an answer to this. I'm so confused. I don't feel like I've gotten an answer other than now the extra income I've prayed for is being provided. What if I make the wrong choice? I'm not going to be blessed if God is the One providing this help and I reject it. How do I know if it's from Him? Please don't think I'm rejecting what you're saying. I'm just so scared of making the wrong choice. Thank you all for putting up with me this long.

BTW I have received nothing in child support willingly or unwillingly. J said he was going to send money and a gift for N's birthday. I'm still waiting. The lady at child support hollered at me and almost hung up on me because I was so upset that they are not going after him. She said that it was completely up to me to find out where he's working and get the information so they can pursue him. ISN'T THAT WHAT THEY'RE PAID TO DO?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? She made me soooo angry I almost cried. Contact with J has been VERY limited. A text here and there. One minute he says he's trying to get his life together by rejoining the military, but then weeks goes by and he doesn't ask about N. His actions definitely speak for themselves. At least he did give me his work info so I could tell child support. Even though they are STILL not doing anything. Story of my life I guess. At least when he's active duty then I have other avenues to report problems and the support should just come right out of his pay. Sometimes I feel like I'm just standing in a room banging my head against the wall and hoping for a rose garden to pop up through the carpet. Thank You Lord for all of Your blessings! I'm really not trying to be a complainer!

Hey everyone We did have a great Christmas and Mickey Mouse birthday party! We had it at church with all of N's friends and our family. He had a blast and is still talking about all of his friends being there. He's turning into such a handsome little man! I thank God that he has stayed sweet and well mannered. He told me yesterday that he loved Jesus, Who lives in his heart and that he thinks he wants to be a preacher when he grows up. Praise God!!! That is such a good thing to hear when our lives have been so up and down for the last few years. It's been so hard to work full time and not get to have much of an influence on him, but I try to make the most out of the time we do have together. I'm praying that God will send me a job with fewer hours and more pay... Everyone's dream right??? LOLOL I still have not finalized the divorce. I'm telling myself it's because of the money we will hopefully start getting in a few months. Once J goes full time active duty Army (in April) then the benefits we will get will almost double my current income. That will allow me to afford a new place to live (renting from my parents is just getting worse and worse) and will open other doors as well. Plus, I really need the medical benefits. Is it horrible for me to stay married for those reasons? No, I don't want to be divorced, but when I think of what J has done, I don't want to be married either. I say it's because I want the money, but maybe I'm just being stubborn and won't let go. I really don't know. I've been begging God to show me another way to achieve a better quality of life for me and N, but it just has not happened yet. I work so much that some days I get to see N for maybe 2-3 hours and that's if I keep him up late at night. The place we live is falling apart and my parents will not help me fix anything. My toilet has been leaking for 2 months and my dad won't even take the time to walk over and see why. I finally figured out where it's coming from, but I'm going to have to find someone to fix it. As if I can even afford someone to fix it. They are my landlords when rent is due, but when something goes wrong they retreat to being my parents who have no money to upkeep the place. I try to be a thankful and contented person, but there's mold growing in the bathroom and the bedroom where we sleep and when the wind blows hard the whole place shakes like it's about to come crashing down! (it's a second floor apartment that is open underneath) It's almost to the point that it's not safe to live in. Right now I can't even afford a vehicle. Hopefully when I get my taxes back I can buy a used car, but I have no clue if I can even afford the insurance. N deserves better than this and it's up to me to figure it out. I feel like I've been at a stand still for 3 years. Do I stay married for the money that will better the situation? Do I divorce him and hope God has something else in mind? It's what I've been praying about for literally YEARS and God has not yet provided me with an alternative. I don't want to be stupid about this. Please please help me pray about this!! I've prayed about going back to teaching, but that's even less money than I make now Something's got to give!!!

Hello I haven't been on here for a while, but logged in and remember that I had posted to you. Somehow when I read your post originally I had a feeling that you may be close to me. Hope things are going ok for you!! Oh and BTW I guess we would consider Topsail the Crystal Coast as well Topsail isn't what it used to be when I was a kid (the hurricanes of '96 and '97 destroyed a lot of the beach) but it's still a nice place to visit.

Oh and by the way, pleeeease go to your local child support enforcement and have them go after him for child support!!! There's no guarantee that you will get it, but your children deserve it!

Hey I'm in NC too and I went to several lawyers who basically told me that I could do the paperwork myself and save a ton of money. One lawyer actually told me that I could buy him a new living room suit if I liked, but that it would be much wiser to just did the papers myself LOL So I went to the local law library and a paralegal showed me a book that had all of the forms already in it. Basically you can retype what's there and it tells you the steps to take and what forms to turn in. My papers were easy because there were no assets to divide. I just requested full custody of our son and a few other requests and it was pretty easy to type up. I got the book on amazon and here is a link http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-North-Carolina-Survival-Guides/dp/1572485086/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1290993069&sr=1-1 Hope this helps! Katie

Thank you both so much! This ministry has been such a blessing to me and I thank God for leading me here! I can do this. WITH GOD, I CAN DO THIS! And I'm going to throw the best Mickey Mouse birthday party this town has ever seen!!!! :) God bless you both for taking the time out of your holiday to post to me!

BTW, I have had no contact with J for several weeks. With the exception of a few texts the other night. I text him and asked if he was planning to send any money for Christmas and N's birthday which is Christmas as well. He replied basically that he didn't have any money and had too much else to deal with. I told him that I didn't need any money, but was just wondering so I could plan. I told him that I had already bought the decorations for the birthday party and he blew up that I wasn't going to spend THE money on "crap". I don't know what money was THE money he was referring too since he has not nor plans to send me any. Who knows... If he thinks that buying some Mickey Mouse decorations for his son's birthday party is "crap" then I guess that tells me all I need to know. N has been talking about a Mickey birthday party since his last birthday party. And I'm not exaggerating LOLOL Anyways, he called for about 2 minutes and said that he was joining the Army National Guard because he could get in quicker and then said bye because he had to iron clothes for the next day. I give up. I've heard nothing since and I'm not texting him again. Child Support is going after him so I guess I'll hear something one way or another.

Hello and Happy Thanksgiving to all!!!!! The other day I was sitting just thinking about the last 3 years and all of the highs/lows and a question popped into my mind. Is there anyone in the Bible who got divorced and remarried to someone else? I could not think of anyone. It's such an important subject and a life changing situation and it seems odd if there are no Bible examples. In the OT, they had so many wives and concubines anyways that I guess it wasn't too important. I'm thinking more about NT church age. I've been rereading some of the applicable texts over and over again and trying to drill the facts into my mind, but it's like I just can't jump that hurdle. I don't want to be divorced. I don't see any other option that "makes sense". I don't want to be alone anymore. I want N to have a "Daddy". I miss the emotional and physical closeness. I want to be loved and taken care of. I want to please God and be a good example. I don't want to willingly commit a "bad" sin. (I know...I know...sin is sin and Scripture makes allowances. It's just so ingrained in me.) I just keep going back and forth and back and forth. IT'S BEEN 3 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like screaming at myself. I've met a few Godly men who I'm getting to know and it's showing me that there are good men out there. Who want to live for the Lord. But now I sort of feel like I'm getting a divorce so I can find someone else. I guess in a way I am. I talked to my pastor's wife last week about one man in particular and she encouraged me to start seeing him on a friend level. I just don't want to take any chances. Is it a sin to casually "date" (and I use that term VERY loosely) when you're in my situation. Am I technically divorced already? Does a judge smacking his gravel cut the tie in God's eyes. "Let no man put them asunder"..... This is soooo hard! I was putting off the divorce just so I could get the financial gain of J's reenlistment, but I feel like it's stupid. Why hold onto some extra money when I could just be getting on with my life??? It seem like I jump from one hard decision to another. AGAIN...IT'S BEEN 3 YEARS!!!!!!!!! Every time I push the envelope, J comes back with promises and I'm so exhausted. Am I horrible to just be done? I feel like screaming at myself, "JUST GET ON WITH IT!" and my family and friends feel the same way. My pastor's wife's exact words to me were, "I cannot think of another person I've known that is more deserving of it than you after all of this time. You have done everything you could possibly do." "It" being finding a Godly man. I feel like my church and those under my example will think I'm a failure or a horrible sinner who is no longer "qualified" or "good enough" to teach their children or be the pianist. Maybe I just feel like that about myself. My whole life has been wrapped around pleasing people and doing everything I could to make my parents proud and not being a disappointment. I feel like I've failed at that for the last 20something years (that's a whole other story) and I'm terrified of disappointing God. It brings tears just typing those words. I so desperately want to please God and do His will. After the holidays, my plan is to pay the rest of the court costs and finalize everything. That's my plan. I'm terrified that I'm making the wrong choice. I guess sometimes we have to jump and let God break the fall. Thank you all for listening.

Thank you ladies for your confirming words!! I just so desperately want to live a Godly life and I'm so afraid of making the wrong choices! Thanks also for your prayers! I will give an update if anything changes

Thank you Pure! I just now saw your post to me. I love the way you can just spell it out so matter of fact. You are right on. I'm so tired of fighting this battle. A friend asked me recently if the potential benefits are worth the sacrifice. I don't know how to answer that. I have prayed for so so so long for God to meet certain financial/medical needs and it seemed like He had done so. But I was also presented with the question of maybe God was pushing me to just trust Him even more. He was providing what I thought I needed, but maybe He has a higher purpose. Like maybe He wants me to turn down the "good" so that I can move on from the "bad". What do you all think about that? I'm still not really sure how I feel about it, but it was definitely a thought provoking question. So here is the update... He called me on Oct 13 asking for me to fax my ID to the recruiter because he was there filling out the rest of the paperwork. That afternoon, I went and had 5 teeth pulled (hopefully they didn't take what little wisdom I had LOL) so I didn't get to touch base with him again until the next evening. He said that the recruiter told him the next available ship date was sometime in April/May. Guess he hadn't been told that previously. I have since verified this info with the recruiter myself. So this means that I dropped the warrant for him to join and I will STILL not get any money until he ships. I was soooooo counting on that money for a nice Christmas and birthday for N. I'm not too concerned because God will provide and I always go overboard anyways, but it's just the principle. After he told me that, he didn't say anything about his plans for getting a job until April, nor did he say anything about working on our relationship. REMEMBER that he just couldn't start working on fixing things because he was leaving for boot camp. What's the excuse now??? Now he has PLENTY OF TIME!!! I guess this is part of that "I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON THIS!" that he was talking about. So I text him about 8 days after his meeting with the recruiter and I asked him what his plans were. He immediately became defensive and started badgering me about why I wanted to know and was very nasty to me. After a few minutes of absolutely ridiculous texting, I just stopped and ignored his other texts. Now it's been 18 days since his meeting with the recruiter and I've heard nothing about a job or anything else. So I called Child Support and asked them to pursue the warrant again. She told me that the warrant doesn't cross state lines (I'm in NC, he's in WA) but it will prevent him from leaving for boot camp and it will also prevent him from coming here and fighting me in court over the divorce and custody. So they may not be able to arrest him in WA, but the consequences will be far reaching. I feel so mean. I almost can't stand it. It's like we are right there on the cliff of something good and he just won't take the plunge. I can't do it for him and these consequences are a direct result of his actions. All I asked for was communication. DECENT communication. Not idle threats and name calling. A few days ago I cried like I haven't done in a VERY loooong time. Even after 3 years the pain still runs so deep. It's not a pain that is touched often anymore, but the last few weeks have just brought so much of it back out. God is definitely showing me that there really are men who are willing to put Him first and who desire to have a strong Christian family. It's giving me hope that Noah and I can find happiness in another relationship. I see some of my friend's husbands who are so good to them and who love the Lord and it just makes my desire so much stronger to have that myself. The timing is still not right, but I know that God is in control and He is planning a future for us. I'm just trying to trust Him each day and let Him guide me. Thanks again for all of your prayers! Please also remember a friend of mine who contacted me asking me to pray for her marriage. I'm not sure of the details, but I directed her here. I pray that God will work a miracle in their lives.

So I sent him a message this morning giving him the link to this website and I told him that I no longer wanted him to contact me. I also asked him to please have the recruiter contact me when it was time for N and I to sign up as dependants. I said my piece and then logged off because I needed to go to work. He must have been online because he replied with a bunch of offline messages. I'm gonna put some of them up here just to continue solidifying the fact, at least in my mind, as to why I'm going dark. you are being so pathetic, selfish, stubbern and you wont listen to reason, I AM LEAVING FOR TRAING IN LESS THAN 7 DAYS! what good will starting anything now do? you truly dont want me to do anything thats why you are being so selfish I just now started to get to know N*** and now you are taking that away, THAT IS SELFISH! what is happening between you and me have nothing to do with n*** and you have no right to take that away, keeping me away from you and n*** wont do any good it will only PUSH MW AWAY FARTHER! that must be what you really want to begin with YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A SPOILD BRAT OF A CHILD DEMANDING TO HAVE YOUR WAY. you will never truly be happy if all you do is show hate, disrespect, unwilling to listen to reason, not going to let me do anything because you keep telling im wrong even when I know I am right you say you have no fight in you anymore then why the hell do you continuesly pick a fight with me and refuse to even list so what im saying, why dont you just tell me the truth and tell me you dont want me, why dont you just tell me what it you want me to do it stead of shoving this other crap in my face, telling me to go talk to someone else, I DONT WANT TALK TO ANYONE BUT, but you are not even willing to do that, you dont have the guts to even say EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT! you would rather hide behind your religion and not acknowlege the fact that i am want our marrige back and our family to be one again but in stead you rather tell me to just go talk to someone else. do you not understand the fact that I will be going to training soon and I wont be able to realy start doing what you supposedly need until I am done with it? some time you can be real dence, you are not willing to list or understand the facts that i have put out there, the honesty I have gien you with all of what I am doing and the information I have willingly given you about where I am, where I am going and what I am doing. Why do think starting something now is going to accomplish anything? I will be going into the military again weather you like it or not and it doesnt happen over night. I realy dont understad you are why you have to push me away every time i open my heart. do you know that every time I do you just make it colder and harder. d you not understand that I want to work things out but when i try all you do is run off again you keep saying i am only doing this my way, you are wrong, I have beeing tring to show you that I am trust worthy again and I am doing that because YOU told me YOU needed to see that BEFORE YOU would even consider speaking to me again, LOOK, this is what I am doing, trying to show you I am able to be trusted and all I getr is "I dont want to talk to, you have to go talk to someone else" thats crap and you know it I open my heart, tell you I want our marriage back and all you do is shut me out. I go to traing in 7 days, if you dont show any intrest before then, then you wont hear from me again EVER! do you realy want that? my training does not allow me to get on the phone anytime I want because its basicly boot camp, are you not getting that? whay on earth would i being going into the military again if i didnt want to start showing that i am trust worthy again or want to provide for my family? if I didnt want to do this you know I could just as easily just stayed hidden like a coward, you are supposed to be a christain yet you act more like hypocrit do you even, honestly want me to show you that I want our marriage back? you can even tell me that, thats our bump in the road, you cant even say a YES or NO without going into a long winded story about how eveil I am, or without hidding. come out of that little hole and just say it. YOU DONT WANT ME! you cant because you want this to work just as much as I do now that you know I am wanting to do good in my like and want to provide for my family i will not stop trying to talk to you and i will not stop trying to fix this, you can ignore me, you can try to block me but I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON THIS! so why dont you just stop pushing me away every time I open my heart to you. If i get orders to go over seas and get hurt or die before u acnknowlege the fact that i want my family back then thats on u I will not stop showing u or telling u how much i want our marriage back I refuse to let u shut me out again when we were just starting to be friendly again. I refuse to give up or let u give up because u and n*** are all i have" So I didn't respond to any of that. He makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside...

Thanks Firewalker I'm fighting such a losing battle when it comes to trying to combat the words that he says. To him I'M the one being selfish and argumentative and so on... If he could just for ONE second step back and realize that after 3 years of fighting for him, I have no fight left. The "argumentative" things I say are simply me telling him my heart. And then he further verbally abuses me by telling me that I'm STILL the problem and he would know what he's supposed to do if I would just TELL HIM MY HEART!!! He can't get over himself long enough to realize that is EXACTLY what I'm doing and he's rejecting it. Not just rejecting it, but causing further damage by saying what he's saying. I have no problem giving him time. I know this takes time. But I'm not willing to continue to give away YEARS of my life to someone who is not showing any growth. Joining the military is just as much for his own paycheck as it is for me and N. He is pennyless and his sister is about to kick him out so I don't feel an ounce of thankfulness to him that he's going out of his way to try to provide for me and N. He's doing this for himself. I think his above statement about "I COULD HAVE JUST JOINED THE MILITARY AND JUST DISAPERED AND YOU WOULD NEVER SEE OR HEAR FROM ME EVER AGAIN" proves just that. I believe that the ONLY reason he is joining is because he sees no other option for HIMSELF. He has told me that exact thing HIMSELF. The fact that he is "volunteering" money to me and N is because HE HAS TO DO IT!!! Those were his EXACT words to me on the phone. He said that THE LAW required him to give us part of his paycheck since we were still married. Golly....that sounds sooooooooooooooooo loving..... Is that supposed to make me feel all warm and fuzzy??? With that said, I am VERY thankful to God for bringing in this monetary help for me and N. I AM thankful for the help. I AM NOT thankful, nor do I feel like I should be indebted to J because he is doing this out of the kindness of his heart as he is portraying. I'm REALLY not trying to be difficult. I promised God a looooong time ago that if J honestly and truly made a REAL attempt at fixing this then I would give it all my heart. I just don't see that happening. He has given me the slightest little TINY glimmer of hope, but at the same time, he is continuing to do further damage with his words and actions. I'm so tired of being alone. I just want someone whom I can serve the Lord with. Who wants to be there for us and be a Godly family. I'm going to give him some phone numbers and info about this site AGAIN and then I'm going dark AGAIN. This is my favorite time of year and we're going 100mph into the holidays and family things. We are probably going to New York for Thanksgiving and Disney for Christmas and I cannot allow him to put a damper on these festivities. I can already feel myself sliding back into that "sad" slump. I have to go dark for my own sanity. I feel like if someone could just explain things to him then maybe he would get it...maybe coming from another man who can explain it from a man's point of view. He IS NOT going to listen to me. He's proven that. He refuses to call or get on this forum. I don't think there is anything else I can do.

So I've been trying to get him to talk through some things(through online messaging), but I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall. If he doesn't want to discuss something then he accuses me of being argumentative and then he just logs offline and that's that. Without a "good night" or anything. Just logs off and then ignores me. I don't respond when he does this. He's done it the last 2 nights and tonight I asked him why. He said it was because I wasn't listening to him. ....I'm actually rolling my eyes now.... So tonight he became very argumentative and I told him that I was not going to play these games and to stop contacting me. So then I went offline and got the kiddo to bed and myself ready for bed. Then I came back and this is what he had said... I PUT FORTH EFFORT AND YOU JUST RUN AWAY LIKE A COWARD LIKE YOU JUST DID THIS TIME IT YOUR FAULT NOT MINE SO DONT EVEN TRY TO PUT THIS ON ME I WANT TO FIX THIS BUT YOU WANT TO EVEN LET ME SO WHATS THE POINT OH AND IF I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, THEN WHY NOT JAST TELL ME? HUH? YOU ARE THE ONE THAT STARTED THIS ARGUEMENT TONIGHT, AND YES I WALKED AWAY LSTNIGHT BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO ARGUE WITH YOU, EVERY TIME WE GET TO TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING YOU PICK A FIGHT, THATS NOT EVEN FAIR I PUT EFFORT INTO TRYING TO SHOW THAT I AM TRUST WORTHY AGAIN AND ALL I GET IS ADDITUDE AND HATE AND VAIGE STATMENT OF WHAT I "NEED" TO BE DOING BUT ALL I WANT IS TO HERE FROM YOUR MOUTH WHAT YOU WANT, AND NOT HAVE TO GOT TO SOME FREAK SHRINK TO ASK WHAT SHOULD BE COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND NOT THERES ALL THE STUFF I HAVE READ ONLINE SAY I NEED TO BUILD TRUTS WITH YOU FIRST AND SHOW MY WORTH WITH ACTIONS, SO THE WORDS "IM SORRY" OR "I LOVE YOU" WILL MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU AGAIN ONE DAY. BUT NO, YOU DONT REALY EVEN WANT ME IF YOU DID YOU WOULD ALLOW ME TO SHOW YOU WITH ACTIONS THAT I AM WORTHY. ALL I NEED IS TIME BUT YOU ARE BEING A SPOILED ROTTEN BRAT BEING SELFISH, HATFUL AND IMPATIENT, IT NOT GOING TO WORK OVER NIGHT AND YOU KNOW THAT SO WHY ARE YOU HARPING ON ME ANYWAY? YOU MAKE NO SENSE, IF I DIDNT WANT TO MAKE THIS WORK DO YOU TINK I WOULD LAY THINGS DOWN FROM MY HEART? DO YOU THINK I WOULD BE MAKING ANEFFORT TO GET TO KNOW N***, DO YOU THINK I WOULD BE WILLING REJOIN THE MILITARY AND PROVIDE SUPPORT FOR MY WIFE AND SON? DO YOU THINK I WOULD BE WILLING TO RISK MY LIFE FOR YOU AGAIN BY GOING BACK IN IF I DIDNT CARE FOR YOU BOTH? IF I DIDNT CARE WHY WOULD I BE TELLING YOU EVERY STEP OF THIS PROCESS AND GIVING YOU ALL THE INFORMATION? I COULD HAVE JUST JOINED THE MILITARY AND JUST DISAPERED AND YOU WOULD NEVER SEE OR HEAR FROM ME EVER AGAIN BUT THAT NOT WHAT I DOING NOW IS IT, I WILL NOT LET YOU PUSH ME AWAY AGAIN K****, I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE UP ON THIS OR US DO YOU UNDERSTAND? BUT TO DO THIS I NEED YOU TIME GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO SHOW WITH ACTIONS THAT YOU CAN TRUST ME AGAIN. IF YOU WONT LET ME DO THIS THEN YOU WILL BE THE ONE THAT MADE THIS FAIL THIS TIME NOT ME. I HAVE ALREADY ADDITTED TO YOU THAT I WAS THE CAUSE TO OUR DISFUCTIOAL MARRAIGE IN THE BEGINING BUT NOW I WANT TO FIX MY MISTAKES AND FIX OUR MARRIAGE BUT TO DO THAT YOU HAVE TO LET ME GET A JOB, AND START TO PROVIDE FOR MY FAMILY AND SHOW MY ACTIONS ARE HONORABLE ACTIONS THAT WILL SHOW YOU THAT YOU CAN TRUST ME AGAIN I don't even have the brain power to rip that to shreds how I'd like to.... You guys get the point. Now what?

So late last night we had a long conversation about the possibility of us trying to work things out. Basically what it came down to was me telling him ways he could begin healing me and him telling me that I was bashing him and digging up things from the past to use against him. And that if I couldn't forgive him then there was no use in him trying. You know the drill...him putting everything back onto me. Then I tried to explain to him that he had to heal me like I need to be healed. Not how he feels like healing me or how he thinks I need to be healed. He couldn't understand the concept. So I gave him the example of a man going into the ER with a bullet wound. The MD could just stitch up the wound because it would be easy and let painful, but then there is no true healing and the man would die. Instead, the MD has to prepare for surgery, give the man some pain meds, take out the bullet, clean out the wound and THEN stitch up the hole. That's the way the injured man needs to be healed. Then he thought I meant inside healing versus outside. He's just not getting it.... I think he finally started to understand, but OF COURSE, he is not satisfied with using this ministry or even Life Partners. He wants to choose someone who does not already know the situation. Basically someone I have not already "warped" into being on my side of things. Typical.... So this is what he said: "u dont want hear what i have to say. all im saying is, is that i want to get REAL help for us, and its like you said, it aint supposed to be comfortable, so why are you trying to play that card at me? you want to talk to some one that knows you and you are comfortable with. whats the point if you are jsut gunna do that k****? thats not realy helping us or you a marriage counceler is a person that doesnt know us or our situation a person that can take all the info and put it together by logic not by a bias view" So again, the problem is that I'M not listening to HIM. And I guess he has an opinion of what a REAL counselor is. I know you all have seen this time and time again. Then I told him that I no longer wanted to talk to him unless it had something to do with child support or his military enlistment. I also gave him the contact info for this forum (as if I haven't given it to him countless times before) and also for Life Partners. I told him to make some arrangements regarding counseling and then I would talk to him. Maybe he'll show up here. I'm not holding my breath. Oh, also he's putting the pressure onto me and my "forgiveness" as being the key to fixing this. I had commented how his unwillingness was starting to show me that this was a huge waste of time. He responded that it was a waste of time if I wouldn't forgive him. I tried to explain that I have forgiven him long ago, but that healing the hurt of "US" is a long process that is not easy and really depends on if he is willing to be a Christlike man. He didn't want to accept that. Hi Ho Hi Ho....it's off to work I go Thanks for listening!

Oh and BTW...I did not respond to any of these messages. I just came here and vented what I wanted to say to him LOLOL