August

Christmas is a wonderful season yet a difficult one. Being toward the end of the year, it gives me a chance to reflect on things as a whole. In many ways, its difficult to realize how fast 2009 has gone by but not without its difficulties and heartbreak. This year saw the end of a six year marriage and the challenges of starting over. It has been and still continues to be a period of reflection but also a period of birth and renewal. Hoping each day that I'll get to the place of God's best. I know many of you have experienced these same challenges and some much better and some much worse. But one thing that I've learned though it all is that attitude towards life and circumstances is so important. And when your stuggling it is never easy but with God's help you find the strength to perservere. I know many of you have gotten a wake up call when it comes to your relationship with your wife and children. Some have even realized that there was something in your past that kept you from growing into the mature man that you thought you were and have always wanted to be. But the good news is that your making steps toward that end. After the discovery process comes the opportunity to analyze, improve, and control your future. That's the good news! Whatever that is for you... I wish you success on your journey and certainly the best for your marriage and family. If you've read my story you see that we have some things in common. Maybe not everything but we share in belief that if we do what is right we can win back those we love and cherish the most. We can all be greatful for the men and women who share their own experiences and time and walk beside us offering hope, support, advice, encouragement, and a dose of reality. We can also be thankful to Joel and Kathy for sharing their own private life story and the knowledge they have gained not only in their own lives but also from counseling so many couple through the years. I hope that you will join me in wishing Joel and Kathy a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful loving holiday with their family. Christmas is a season of miracles and I hope you experience one for yourself or maybe you can offer yourself to be a blessing to someone else. Take time to share what Christ has done in your life over this past year with another person and trust God with the rest. Merry Christmas!

I appreciate you C2 and italics for posting again on this thread. Maybe we can help each other out or maybe we can understand one another better. C2 you are correct that I never gave my ex-wife the apology letter. I apologized many times in person for what was on the letter and she said she knew I was sorry and accepted my apology. However, though she was appreciative I believe she saw this as weakness and being overly sensitive. Plus she was not to interested because she was and suppose is in a very unhealthy relationship. I try not to get involved and keep our relationship separate from her other one. All I can do is be the best person I can be to her when I see her and always offer to help when appropriate but I can't be pushy it just turns her away. There are many legal reasons that I didn't give the letter and I realize it may not make sense but please trust me that there is a good reason. And my future and my children are more important that any letter. Don't get me wrong I'm not disputing the importance of the apology letter. If that was so I would not have spent so much time and effort to give my very best honest humble and heartfelt effort to those words. It was the most vulnerable I've ever been. I'm not saying that an opportunity may not present itself sometime in the future and I will always consider this and hope that the right circumstances exist to make that a reality. It's taken me awhile to accept the reality of all of this and I live with it everyday and have taken and accepted responsibility. This really hasn't made much difference in our relationship. My ego died sometime ago as it relates to this part of my life. I have no pride about it and I'm not happy about it. I've taken all the blame privately and publicly. I realize it difficult to see this from your perspective because you have limited information to go by. But I also understand, that somehow my life must have meaning and I have to press forward. I'm not leaving anyone behind or overlooking my mistakes. I've spent a lot of time learning from them and dealing with them so that these are not repeated in the future. I can honestly say that I never want to experience this again. I'm working hard on trying to better understand relationships between a man and a woman/ a husband and wife and my part of making that possible. And value input from people like yourselves. I agree with what each of you have said. There are a lot of programs and advice out there trying to expose the secret to mutually satisfying relationships and though there are some points of good advice there are also may wrong ones that get inconsistent results that further confuse me anyway. I'm trying to learn how to pick up the good and weed out the bad. And in doing so I have often found myself trying to hard and that doesn't get favorable results. I'm not trying to compare programs or say what is best or preferred but simply stating the fact that there is a lot of advice even within the church itself. I couldn't honestly sit here and say that I will ever be reconciled and reunited with my wife and family. I can't predict my future. Even though I've prayed persistently for that very thing. I mean there seems to be a point, based on independent choice, when a person decides a point of no return. I suppose that part self protection and not truly forgiving. Just the other night I visited my ex-wife's grandmother in the hospital where she is recovering from an illness and in our moment alone she told me they always loved me and never felt any other way. We were always good to one another. She said that she still prayed that we would get back together. It was a very sweet thing to hear. But deep inside, as good as it sounded, I didn't want to get my hopes up because I've live with my head down for so long now. As for future relationships, well I'm not sure what to say there. I admit I don't like my life all alone and only being able to see my children on a limited basis I don't think God ever intended for us to be alone. Besides it's unhealthy. I have good Christian friends. So if I've done everything possible with the exception of simply giving a physical letter that re-describes everything we've expressed time and time again. How do you see that? As simple act of closure or making any difference where I am now? Handing a letter over doesn't make me any different than I already am today responsible. I've taken the burden upon my own shoulders. So how do you see things? What would is your advice for what I do in the future and life if my wife never decides to have me back. Should I try to begin a new life with another partner with the knowledge that I've gain from my failures if this in fact my destiny? I'm listening... Thank you again for returning and caring enough to post. God Bless!

Thank you to those that have posted to my thread and for those of you that have taken your precious time to even read any of this. I say this not because I think of myself as special, I am not, but if you weren't reading this you wouldn't see my thanks. We are all here for the same reason because we're trying to solve our most intimate relationship problems and more than that our relationship with God. Please know that I am sincerely sorry that your going through these difficulties. Sometimes it's comforting to know that there are others experiencing the same thing that you are and that you are not alone. But in shock and crisis we often times feel very alone in our personal struggles. I'm glad you've found this site and want to encourage you to learn from your mistakes. I know it's not easy! There are good and caring people here that want to help. Many who are experiencing their own struggles. But most of all be encouraged in your relationship with God. It is in our deepest despair that we cry out to God for help in both solving our troubles and changing our circumstances. We get closer to God through our struggles and pain and it is this pain that helps us eventually get to the other side. I may not know your exact problems but know that I share in your pain with great empathy because I've been through the valley myself. In Psalms 23, a familiar verse to many, David describe this very thing and he offered sound wisdom. Hold on and trust God! It's been sometime since I've posted on the forum and I too was desperately hoping for a miracle that I didn't deserve. But it is through God's divine grace and mercy that He freely blesses us in our trials because He loves us beyond the depths of our understanding. It's been approximately seven months since my divorce and twice that time since my relationship with my now ex-wife was completely severed. I am slowly trying to rebuild my life and chipping away at the huge legal expense that has left me with little to expand on. But with perseverance, I look to the day that my debt is clear. I always hoped that I would have a success story and through that success would be able to help others. But maybe my purpose was slightly different. Do I still think about my wife? You bet! Does it still hurt? It does but in a different way. I know in my heart that I've done everything in my power to save our marriage. Now mind you I didn't say I did everything right. But I did everything I could do and in my heart I have no regret for the money and effort I spent on our relationship. Is my wife's life still a huge mess? Yes it is! The stories that I've heard from my adult daughter who is living on the front-lines it is a nightmare. My wife is in such turmoil. She continues to live and support an abusive and piece of trash of a man. And our kids are having to suffer through it. There is so much I could say here but my point is I feel sorry for her and GREAT concern for the children. But in order to save my children, I need the help of my daughter who out of fear of personal threats is afraid. I've always told my wife that I could not help her until she wanted help. And I will help her. I've heard of physical fights that have gotten so out of hand that my daughters boyfriend thought he would have to jump in to stop it. He has even given her a baseball bat to keep in her room for protection. Does that say something to you? Im not being subjective here. These are from others not myself. The day I save my kids will be the day I can find peace. Until then the work must go on and also my life which God has given me. If I can be of any help, please let me know. God bless you and your efforts to build a stronger marriage through the love of Christ.

Just signed on tonight from library to see if anyone has posted any wisdom for me but evidently not. I want to still believe that God can heal my marriage. I realize that I made many mistakes but there is nothing that I can do to go back and change anything. I wish I could but surely God knew where I would end up standing in front of a huge mountain. I continue to love my wife but I don't really get much response to my offers at love and reconciliation. I try to have conversations either by text or in person when I can but she just seems non-responsive and distant. I bring her chocolate on occasion especially when I know she's had a bad day. Sometimes I try to just communicate and be open with her thinking that she'll respond to my continuous attempts but usually I fail and am rejected. But for some reason I keep on trying. Maybe it's not meant to be I don't know. I know that our God is capable of opening anyone's heart. I'm not sure how her other relationship is going. There really isn't any discussion. As far as I know she still has plans to marry this other man. She looked very pretty tonight when I saw her. I got one of our son's for the night but she said she had a bad day. I offered a hug and she turned me down. I told her if she would like to talk about it I would gladly listen if not now then later on the phone and invited her to call me. She barely seemed to care and just said she had a lot of things to do. Those are always difficult moments for me because I'm still not immune to the rejection. I've learned to expect it but I haven't hardened my heart where it doesn't sting. There so many things I want to say here but I guess I'm just reflecting to myself. My ex-wife (still not comfortable saying that) told me the other night when I had brought up a concern about a doctor visit for our youngest son that she didn't deserve to suffer and that everything was my fault and I deserved to suffer. Suffer from isolation from her and my kids. I love my kids and her for that matter. I'm an involved father and want to be involved in the childrens lives but it's like she punishing me herself instead of giving it to God. She would prefer to give me life without parole. That seems bitter but I'm not sure. I've asked for forgiveness and done everything I can possibly do. I keep hoping that she'll change her heart. That maybe her other relationship is not going very well but who knows. I don't. I still get lonely especially at night when it gets quiet. I generally can't sleep and it's not unusual for me to stay up until 4am and then get right back up two hours later and get ready for work. I used to sleep when we were still together but ever since our separation a long night sleep is far and few between. I'm still going to church and attending care groups. I'm still trying to learn about relationships and how to love people so that my relationships are strong. I don't know what to do about dating or waiting on my wife. I haven't seen anyone or anything. I want to do what is right and I'm not sure how to approach this. Do I keep on going regardless if she marries? Do I give up if she marries? Do I give up now? What would the woman perspective of this be? What would you do? What would you want your husband or ex-husband to do in this situation? What would show love?[/u]

Teafriend thank you for your prayers. It's been awhile since I've written because I don't have access to the internet. I've been wanting to write and thinking about those of you on this forum. Its hard to believe that it's been almost a year now since I've been with my wife now ex-wife. I remember when one week felt like an eternity at least for me it did. Everyday seemed to drag on and on and I was in such distress and shock. Now a year later, I still don't feel comfortable with it all and in many ways see my situation as worse. Then I was still married and still had hope to somehow breakthrough, with God's help, to my wife in hopes that she would change her heart. As I've done all along, I still ask God to help me sort all this out. I still miss my wife as I ever did and I still feel lonliness and despair many times especially at the end of the day when I can avoid going to my apartment and face the endless silence and emptiness. I've really not seen much progress in her and I relationship. A few weeks ago I had my son for one week this is the longest single amount of continuous time that I've spent with him in a year. It went by so fast and my wife had to be difficult and not let me return him on Monday morning like my usual visitation. Somehow when I get my summer vacation week I have to bring him on Sunday. It's not right. I hardly get to see my son not because I don't want too. Because she makes it difficult. She always tells me that he needs to be with his mother and sibblings. I mean I his dad and he want be a child forever. I just can't for the life of me understand why she wants to limit my time with my own child. I would never do that to her or him. Anyway that night that I met her she stayed longer and talked with me for awhile. I had bought the other boys new shoes and clothes for school. She was supposed to bring them so I could give those items to them but she didn't. I went ahead and gave her the shoes and told her to have them call me when she got home. I wanted to speak with them. She didn't by the way. Then on last Monday their first day of school I check with her to see what they thought about their new shoes. After she took them in that morning, she even called me and we talked for a little while. Her grandmother called and she said that she had to go and I said goodbye and said that I loved her. As I usually do. I've never heard from her since. She just completely cut off communication with me. I've tried to call, text, and send an email. But nothing. The boys never even called me and thanked me for their shoes. It wasn't that I personally need the gradification but it builds character in children to be grateful and appreciative for the things people do for them. I can't believe she took those shoes and never made sure they called. I've still not gotten my things from the house. I attorney had to contact her and she lied saying that she had been trying to get me to get my things for a year. Yeah this is while I was paying a mortgage and all the bills for her and her boyfriend to live together in our home while we were still married. That still hurts my heart. I tried to contact her because I was tring to let her know dates for my next vacation with my son and to arrange to move my things as she told my attorney but she's avoided any contact. Why? Is she just trying to completely cut me out of her life? She even told my attorney in an email that she was getting married soon. What do any of you think about this? I breaks my heart personally because I tried so hard to win her heart back. I don't know when she plans on marrying this wiccan but it will be a dark day for me. What do I do then? Just move on and try to find another woman that will love and respect me and that I can love in return? I'm not sure where to go from here. I always planned to wait on her and to try to win her heart back but when do I accept that I've been given no other choice? I want to do what's right in God's eyes and His will. I want to look at the bigger picture of eternity and I have still been faithful to my wife. I've not had sex since last being with her. Its been hard sometimes more than others and I've been tempted but I've always had my heart turned toward my wife and my committment. So how do I know if God has released me? I don't want to seek another woman but I don't want to live this way either. It is so difficult to understand and discern the difference between my flesh and spirit. It's been so hard to love someone that doesn't love you back but I've realized that Jesus understands. I also have learned that only God will never leave you even though I've not always felt His presence. Last weekend I attended a weekend conference on "Love and Respect". It was such a wonderful experience and I learn so much. The second day I cried a lot because many of the point touched a deep place in my heart. I wish she could have been there and I wish we could have had the chance to learn and practice these biblical principles together. I also wished that I'd been taught these things at a young age and even taught in high school and college. But I guess better late than never. I now understand what it means to love your wife and what it should look like for a woman to respect her husband. I realized that I hadn't been loving and she had not been respectful and one triggered the other and went into an uncontrolable "crazy cycle". But I also learned that their is a reward and even though your wife doesn't give you respect you still love her and look past her to Jesus and love her anyway as loving Him. And the fact that God will bless that. Same for a wife respecting her husband even though he's not being loving. I suppose you have to have goodwill and a commitment as a covenant to God not to give up in your own discouragement. And my wife chose to leave. I still pray that God will restore our marriage and family. I have been working on my relationship with my step daughter who turns 18 in 9 days. She has finally been allowed to contact me. So what do I do my friends and spiritual counselors? Where do I go from here? I love you all in Christ Jesus and thank the Lord for you. I am so grateful for your prayers for my family and me. I pray for you and your family and that God preserves the gift of marriage though each of us.

This morning I had to return my youngest son. I always dread this day. As a matter of fact I woke up around 4:00 am and couldn't go back to sleep I guess because of the anxiety of seeing my xwife and not knowing what to expect. A number of emotions sweap through me as I laid there thinking. I couldn't help but think that there was nothing that I have prayed for more in my life for than my marriage to be healed and restored. But God has not answered my prayers. If anything, it continues to get worse between her and I. Not because I'm not trying but she's not responding. I feel hopeless. If God doesn't help me then no one can and I have no hope no testimony. I'm separated from my family and there is nothing I can do and no help. I prayed again begging God for His help to please show me He was there and working on the situation. I had dreams about my wife for three days in a row. I've never had these repetative dreams before. They were not all the same but it was her and I together and we loved one another. I don't know why I have had these dreams. I guess I'm just thinking about it. I took my son to church yesterday as I alway do on Sunday's when he's with me. They asked that we write down the names of five people that we were believing God for and I put my xwife name and beside it I wrote "My exwife who I still love". I wish it was that easy that if we put our prayers in a jar that God would grant them. I asked my xwife this morning during the child exchange about my step daughter. You may remember reading about her earlier in the posts. I thought we had built a strong relationship. I haven't heard from her in months and months. I keep asking about her and asking if she'll call me but I never hear anything. I've asked my xwife several times and she said that at first she was forbiddened to talk to me. Then she said she would change that. This morning she said something about my stepdaughter being angry with me because I somehow involved her in our divorce. This is not true and I stated that but know one listens. I didn't involve the kids and I sure could have. I could have made her mother look very bad but I choose the high road. I sacrificed myself for my wife and kids. That is why I lost more but now she rejects me because she doesn't know the truth. I told my wife I just needed to know one way or the other if my step daughter wanted a relationship with me. That way I don't have to guess anymore and torture myself wondering why she want talk to me. Maybe she never really loved me at all. Maybe all that she said was not true. That makes me feel more miserable. I'm trying to do the right thing to the best of my knowledge but my life is falling apart around me and those I love reject me. How if makes me so sad and want to cry and die.

I'd like to thank each of you for sharing you thoughts. I can't begin to tell you what it means to me. I keep feeling like I'm sinking and drifting away. Those were some very thoughtful and compassionate things you wrote along with the scriptures. Sometime the scriptures are so deep that you just don't know where in life they're supposed to come into existence. I mean is it during life, after life, or after a trial. The writers of the New Testament anointed by the Holy Spirit were so beyond my abilities to think and see everything they say or mean. It is absolutely amazing how that world seems to touch a core one moment and seem to be silent to the heart the next. I know you said to be a good father to my children and I've been giving it all I have. I'm the only one that takes them to church and being the one with less time they come accustom to not going and some not all will decent when I mention getting up on Sunday morning to attend church. I've also started to hear some language that I don't particularly care for. The youngest seems to be the most interested and loves to pray and talk about God. I understand about being and becoming a great husband but sometimes in all honesty I don't know who I'm preparing for. The more I see and interact with my xwife and the way she completely rejects me and treats me like a casual aquantance(sp?) the more I feel her slipping further and further away. She so far gone and my attempts have fallen without regard. Sometimes I wonder if she's even paying any mind and attention to what I'm doing or trying to do. She's just content in this lifestyle. She is such a different person. She's gone 90 degrees in the other direction. I hesitate on 180 because I don't know everything. Now she's into snakes and has two pet snakes that she call her babies. I'm shocked! She was never into anything like that. Like I said it's like another person. She say's they lay in the bed with her. Not me I don't lay with snakes or spiders or anything else like that. And now I noticed that she had a tattoo on her lower stomach by her waist-line with three snakes and a heart. I couldn't believe it and said please tell me you didn't do this to yourself. She claimed it was fake and said the real one would be different. Now she getting tattooed. She never liked that before. She made it almost 40 years without marking herself and now this tattooed wiccan has her into snakes and getting tattooed. I'm not trying to judge people with tattoos but I don't have too there's plenty of other people that do. There are those that look at women with tattoos as a slightly loose crowd. Again, I'm not judging if you have one my grandfather had several from the military and I have a nephew that has one and they all say the same thing after awhile. It was cool and a good idea when they did it but mostly they regret the decision. So these types of things make me think we're never going to reconcile or be restored. I don't know if I could look at that and not think of this life she's lived and where's she's been. Maybe I'm just over reacting and I hope I haven't isolated myself from anyone that has tattoos. Please don't think I'm condemning you because I'm not it just what I've grown up knowing. I know that there has been wonderful people that have gotten tattoos of there children and other loved ones as a memorial and I completely understand. That's actually a right of anyone and a real testament of love. Anyway I guess you hear my concern and it's not about others just my wife its my reaction to her and what she's doing more than anything. Why is she doing all this? Why is she crossing this line and doing these kind of things. She used to dress nice and go to church. Now she's traded in all her friends, and so much I'm getting overwhelmed with it all as I write this. My point is I feel like she's slipping away and it breaks my heart in the worst way. I just don't understand how you can love someone one minute and threat them like a stranger the next. I can take it from people that never loved me but those you've seen and had a marriage with it's just to much to bare. I'm rambling and probably alienated myself from some of you by my comments and that thought makes me feel worse. I love my wife and I'm committed to staying the course but if she gets married to this guy I don't know what I'm going to do. I read books about saving your marriage alone and there are some real inspirational stories but it gets my hopes up so much and I don't want to be let down. Is this God telling me that it's over? What does all this mean? If you have suggestions or comments. I you want to let me have it because you think I've offended you then I guess let me have it. Please forgive me if I have offended you because it's not my intent. I wish she would come back. I've asked her a few times to come back but sometimes she seems like she thinking and others she just says stop it like she's made up her mind. Will things really workout for her and this other man? Sorry about this post I think I feel worse now. I am open for other ideas by the way in the earlier reply to my post. Could someone please respond? Thank you and God Bless.

I've been seriously struggling lately. I sit all alone in my apartment and its like there is no one in the world except me. Now I certainly know this isn't true but my life is completely empty and it seems that no other person cares if I'm dead or alive. I miss my wife and kids but apparently they must not miss me. Everyday I miss the time with my kids. They are growing up and before I know it their childhood will be gone and I will have missed it all. Every day without them is one less day I have. It eats me up inside. I just find it hard to explain how much it hurts and how overwhelming it is. I try to contact my wife to speak with them but she doesn't respond unless its my visitation. She doesn't care about me anymore and that hurts beyond explanation. My kids are with another man and my wife is engaged. I can't began to say how much my heart aches over this. I struggle with what to do with my life. Do I just sit still waiting and hoping things will change? I don't know. I don't know what to do? What is the right thing to do? I thought that it was to be true to my wife and to love her as my wife but I don't see anything happening or changing. If nothing else it seems worse and I'm further alienated. How do I get out of this? Should I just give up? I never remember ever reading the scripture and hearing God tell me to give up. I'm so confused so very confused. I wish someone could help me. I ask God everyday to help me to please help me. But it seems silent and why would God do this? I continue to be faithful to my wife and have not gone out with or touched another woman. The though of what she is doing just eats me alive. It's though I do not exist. I'm so miserable. I wish someone could help me. This has gone on for so long now and I wonder if it will ever pass. Sometimes I think that I'll just die this way and never receive the love I so desperately need. I just can't comprehend it? Maybe I'm forever punished. Maybe God is not wanting to help me but that can't be so. I look at my x wife's pictures that I have on a shelf beside a cross and it makes me so sad and hopeless. I just want to hold her and tell her how much I love her. No one seems to have the answers. Even one of my Christian friends whom is very faithful to God someone who prayed with me over and over who encouraged me to continue pursuing my wife. Who prayed for me and with me time and time again now says maybe God will bring me someone better for what I've lost in the divorce. Is this true? Is this how it works? Does God just stop working in this? Are my prayer without ceasing null and void? Am I just a dreamer? In Isaiah 41 God promised to help Israel. Is this not a promise for me also? I guess we're all looking for a happy ending. What choice do I make now? What do I do in my situation? What is the right thing for me to do? Where do I go from here? How much longer? Will God help me? Do I continue to pray for my wife and restoration? Do I hang my head and walk away defeated a looser and complete failure? There seemed to be so much advice when I was still married and now there's not so much. There's not so much hope exchanged anymore. Does love leave an open door? Can someone please help me? I hate my life.

I suppose I would expect being civil and cooperative. We never get to talk about things concerning the kids or other things that parents should make a priority. I've been punished many years now for things I did years ago. She just seems to be so intentional and lashes out and treats me below anyone else in her life. I understand the reasoning for some of this but the question is when is long enough and where does it end. Maybe there really is no definitive answer to this question. It is what it is not matter what. Yesterday I picked up our youngest child and she now has an engagement ring on her finger. I can't begin to tell you how that made me feel. It's only been 60 days since our divorce. I guess we all would like to think we mean more to others than we do. She seemed a little disturbed when I asked and she said. I had to use the moment that God gave me to say my piece. I turned and walked away with a similar pain in my heart that I had that first day she took my house key and told me she was seeing someone else. It's like turning your face away from death you just can bare to look at it. I'm not quite sure how many times a heart can break but mine must look shattered. It just keeps breaking over and over again. So what can I expect? I wish I knew the answer and if I did I'm sure I would protect myself from it. I still love the girl and my heart keeps echoing this unending truth without regard for its own protection. I hesitated but had an overcoming spirit to say words that must have come deep within my soul because I barely remember them myself. I couldn't let her leave without reaching out to her as if to save her and to stand unshaken and let her know my heart. I remember saying that I glad I had never done this to her and I would never have done this to her. I told her it was a mistake and that I still loved her and that I was the one that truly loved her and I've proven it time and time again. I told her that I had still to that moment been faithful to her and how hard it was to live that way without her. What do I have to do for her to know he can't love her like me? I told her that I was still here and it wasn't to late yet and she knows where to find me. He can never love you like I do and my love has been through the fire. I called her later and said that I meant everything I said and I am better for her than he is and I guaranteed that he would fail her to just wait and see. I asked for her to come and see me soon and she said she would. I said I pray for you everyday without ceasing and I have her pictures by my cross. I couldn't let her go without a fight and can't just let it happen. Either God will bless me or He will not but try I must. She was my bride before him and he is taking her from me so turnabout is fair play. God this hurts. It's a nightmare I can seem to wake up from. Thank you for responding...

My wife recently went on a vacation trip with our children. It's the furthest they've been away from me and a vacation that we were never able to make with the family together. The day before the trip I keep our middle son after I haven't seen him for awhile. I try to spend quality time with each so they don't have to fight for my attention. So it was him and I but he seemed distant and maybe bored even though I took him out to eat, a movie, swimming, feeding ducks, etc. It really bothered me because I've not faced this reaction before with any of the kids. I know I've mentioned this before but I haven't been able to come to peace with it in my mind. The next day my x wife was five hours late picking him up and all she did was fuss at me and belittle me in front of a car of children. She made me look insignificant in front of the children and that was not fair. I had done all that I could to help her and made sure the child I was responsibile for was taken care of. She seemed to blame me for everything that was going wrong. That day she left she told me that she would call when they arrived at their destination but she did not. This was a very long drive they were on and most of it was in the night hours. I didn't think there was anything wrong with me wanting to know they were safe and made it. The next day she left a message but never let me speak with the children the whole time they were gone. I have a court order that allows me to speak to the children at least once a day. That has yet to be honored. She said the fiance' wasn't going but I have my doubts. I believe she said that to cover up this truth. But honestly I do not know. After a few day, I sent a text asking how they were and she sent back a note saying "we're on vacation". As to say leave "us" alone and your not one of "us". It's those thoughtless comments and purposeful alienation that push aside responsible and loving father's. I realize that some fathers do choose to walk away from their children. However, I feel often by her action that she pushes me away from them but only changes her attitude when it is convenient or to her advantage. In my time away, especially over the last 60 day since our divorce, what a mean and angry person she really is and that draws me to the conclusion temporary or otherwise that she must be very miserable. Why else would someone do these things and say these things. I continue to pray for her daily. I continue to look at myself and work on myself. I continue to honor our marriage and my faithfulness to her as though we were still married. But sometimes I ask the question "why?" especially after those condicending remarks. A friend of mine answered the question the other day say "because your honoring Christ". That did make me feel good to hear such a comment. Yet another Christian friend expressed that God would bring me something better that what I lost in the divorce. That God would restore us after our suffering was completed. I have to admit in my human nature that I count the days. There have been times that I've been able to speak with another person whose marriage was in not so good of shape but I also recognized how careful one must be when they trust a stranger to their vurneralbilities (sp?). Especially women who are starved for attention from their husbands. People just say the right things and before you know it another marriage and family is in crisis. I however didn't take advantage of the situation but only the opportunity to encourage and speak from my heart of what it is like to be a blinded husband. I asked the person a simple question after I was told all the many faults of her husband and confirmed she was a Christian. I asked if she prayed for her husband and the surprising answer was "No". I asked her to do that everyday and then to not be afraid of looking for help. After I left, I wish I had also said be careful who you confide in becasue there are hunters and wolves among us. My x-wife contact me a few days ago out of the blue telling me she was having problems with the neighbors and she would press charges etc. I didn't quite understand but again it must be a miserable situation when you get to that point with your neighbors. Almost a reflection of the life she living. But I try not to judge because really who am I. But during that two hour text conversation she actually included me in "we" and "our" as she described the situation. I also thought it was interesting that she would contact me and share these things with me. For so long any time I said the word "our" she would say there is no "our". I don't know what it means but it was nice however so briefly to be included instead of excluded. I told her that I wish we could start all over again and then she went silent. Why? Why did she go silent after that statement?

I've got a bad problem with my wife disrespecting me in front of the kids. She takes opportunities to belittle me and even challenge my masculinity. Also, she doesn't give me the respect as the other parent. I'll asked to be notified of something and she'll say she's going to but never does. For instance, she decided to go on her trip. I asked that she let me know they made it safely but she never called. This was not a slip it was intentional. I've known her long enough. She still defends the jerk boyfriend or finance' about him say things to me over the phone at my job. She actually defends both of their behavior and tries to turn it around on me. I was at my job and didn't phone her she call me. This is the kind of thing that I just can stand anymore. She continues to be uncooperative with me getting my belongs. So now another weekend goes by that I have to live through this hell once again. She's left me with several bills in my name that I'm not responsible for like the utilities and other services that the boyfriend is using right now. I pay my child support and still she doesn't care. That's the truth I must accept as difficult as it is "She doesn't care!" I've put to much of my heart and life into this and now I'm flooded with disappointment. I kept one of the children the night before last and he didn't hardly speak to me. I did everything for him. It's like he too doesn't care about me anymore. This is the child I worked so hard to get through 2nd grade when he was failing otherwise. Rejection from her and these kids are taking a toll on me. I keep crying out to God and I see nothing. It makes me feel like He doesn't care either. Why am I feeling this way? Why do I continue to be tortured by rejection and indifference? Last night was the first time since all this started almost a year ago that I did not pray for my wife sorry x-wife. I took her pictures from my shelf by a cross and threw them to the ground where they still lay and cried out in anger. I wanted to tear them into pieces and throw them in the trash because it appears our relationship is gone forever and I don't want to be haunted by this unrealistic fantasy. I'm just kidding myself thinking that my kindness and love would ever bring her back. Like a friend of mine said many months ago "She's too far gone." I just didn't want to believe it was true. I felt that God would fix everything if I just kept on believing and praying. And the thought of this jerk stealing my family away. But the true is this is her choice she's the one giving it to him. And she rejoices in it. Today marks the third anniversary of all this nightmare. Back in 2006, on this day it all started and I was served with papers several days later. I've been holding on and fighting for my life and marriage for that long. It's consumed my life and now I have nothing but to dwell on all this and pay the mountain of debt in the aftermath. When do I finally give up? How much longer do I have to go through this? I wish God would just take my life at this very moment. All she does is defend this jerk and trash me.

Thank you Celia.

Thank you Brian. You've always been an amazing supporter, encourager, and Christian counsoler to me during this time and season of my life. I appreciate your prayer so very much. You are also in my prayers. I keep trusting God and being obedient to Him. I keep loving my wife uncondionally as well as my kids. God Bless

I'll try to do that. My attorney told me to just keep a journal on the computer and then send him an electronic copy every once in awhile for the file. I thought it was about time for the baby to be born. As a matter of fact, after I answered last time I thought about asking you if you had given birth yet. I so excited for your family. I also realize not being a woman mind you that it is not equally exciting for you during the birthing process but I can imagine you will be relieved after the baby is born. It looks mighty uncomfortable during those last several weeks. I love little babies even though they require some extra care they're just so cute. Plus the clean up on the newborn isn't too bad. But you have many others to care for. It is amazing how each child is uniquely different. Wonder what personality and gifts this one will have? Thanks for keeping an eye on me especially during this time in you life when so much is required of your time. You are a wonderful blessing and I appreciate you so very much. This might be the first post that I don't mention my wife a.k.a. xwife. Woops! I just did. So while I'm at it, last night I had a dream about her. Apparently, she was staying with me or was supposed to come and spend the night. She had decided to go out and in my dream I woke up and she was not there. I distinctly remember looking at the clock in my dream and it read 7:19 am. Isn't that strange why 7:19. Rarely do I remember or even see detail like that. I just remember having this sinking feeling that she had once again left me for someone else and I hurt all over again. I even woke up asking God "Lord what did that mean?" "Did that mean something Lord?" "What was the significance of the time?" Was it meant to be time or a date. Our anniversary date is 7/22. Or is it related to a verse in the Bible? Was this a message from God or just stress. Maybe in my desire to reconcile with her I hold the fear of her doing this again. How could I ever trust her if it were possible. Although right now the idea seems impossible. Maybe this will never happen and I'm just torturing myself by entertaining the thought within my own mind. I just keep praying that she really won't marry this guy and now the date is less than two weeks away. It is absolutely devistating to me that she would even do such a thing. Guess I didn't really mean much to her at all. I just have to accept this I suppose. God Bless

Thank you for the last few posts. Celia and HFS. I'm so glad to see you checking on me my friend HFS. I've missed your encouragement but I value your prayers. Celia to try and answer your question I tried to protect the children by putting a clause in our agreement that didn't allow members of the opposite sex to stay overnight. She got really upset and tried to get me to leave this out but I couldn't comprimise on that. Even though I know she would break it and be in contempt I could live with myself not doing the best that I could. There were things I could have done initially to make her look bad with all the evidence but I would have had to divorce her and that I didn't feel God was calling me to do. This was her war not mine. I didn't go on the offensive but simply defended myself. I attempted to get equal time with children but she wouldn't agree. That would mean I was paying less to her and the courts here favor mothers as the primary parent. I managed to get others like equal rights in the decisions regarding education, health, etc. I could have made her look bad and have gotten more favor from the courts but I would have had to sacrifice her and I didn't think that was my objective and it certainly wouldn't have show unconditional love in my opinion of course. My strategy was to be as fair and loving as possible but with boundries. If these boundries are crossed then I would have a case to return to the courts for a new ruling. I've still been hoping that I wouldn't have to take these messures and would be able to deal with her directly hoping she would come to her senses. Thing is I see her falling away. I think this is why she's wanting to marry this idiot so she can legally bipass the clause. I just see she's far more concerned with her own life than theirs. I ran into her grandmother and she told me some of them were spending the night with her now. We still get along like aways and her grandmother and mother hugged me when we saw each other. My xwife is just about what pleases her right now. I remember hearing that she was aware this guy was a wiccan and didn't believe in God as the supreme being. She said a statement like she would convert him. However, I think it's been the other way around. She's moved away from God in a big way. I mention prayer to her the other night when seeing the kids for fathers day and she was like indifferent in a way she was never like when we were together. I found that to be very sad. It's kind of difficult to describe you would have to have been there to see what I mean. When I told her how I felt this time she said she was confused. Before she always said she didn't believe me. This time she simply said she would challenge me on my honesty but was confused. Don't think that's good or bad really. I just wish she would wake up to what she's doing. So now I'm preparing for whatever comes next. If things go south, then I will do what I have to do for the kids. I will have a better time maybe even convence her with what's in there best interest for now. She knows I love her unconditionally regardless. She knows she's welcome at my place anytime and certainly for safety purposes. It is both my opinion and others that this guy is going to show himself very shortly especially if they get married. He's already showing an agressive and posessive side of himself. If he touches these kids it will be the last time and I'll finally be able to protect them. I'm not afraid of him whatsoever. Maybe someday soon my xwife will also come to realize the truth for herself. Now is the time for patience and being attentive to what the kids are feeling and saying. To listen to them and support them. To trust God will help me to help and protect them, if necessary. I just pray God will help me be the father he wants me to be while I wait.

Thank you Pure in Heart that was a beautiful and wonderfully written message. I greatly value what you have written here. I also sense not only from your words but also the tone that you can more than relate to my feelings. You have waited a long time for your miracle. Yes, my feeling are real and I can't help but ache inside when certain thoughts impress upon my mind at any given moment without notice. I have a really good Christian friend well actually I have many but one in particular keeps me grounded. I often speak with him daily and share my struggles and pain and daily events. He tries to remind me to constantly renew my mind and to reconize the lies that satan tries to use to break my spirit and give up. I would like to share an experience that I had yesterday that was really difficult to deal with and extremely hurtful and cruel. As you may know, I been having difficulty getting my personal things from our house after the divorce. I still have not gotten one single item. This is after almost 11 months. I recently got a new place to live and do not have much furniture to speak of. I sleep on an air mattress and it works well. I have one chair to sit on and a TV that my family pitched in to get me. It just goes to show me that I don't need that much; however, I do have many special items that I could never replace. Anyway, to make sure that I complied with the law, I had to request my attorney ask for an extention of the deadline date because I was having difficulties getting cooperation from my wife. This was last week and I never heard anything from him. So I just thought nothing had been done. Over the last several days, I've had some short conversations and interactions with my x. I've had to be the one to draw boundries which I've found to be extremely difficult. Anyway, during a meeting at work yesterday I get a call in the afternoon. It's her and I hesitated to answer but thought that I would pick up and just let her know I couldn't talk and was in a meeting and would talk to her later. I thought this would be better than not answering at all. Well maybe the latter would have been a better decision. When I answered and briefly explained I was in a meeting she responded in a strange way and with a condesending tone to her voice. I asked why are you talking to me this way. She made a few more rude comments and then mentioned she got a letter from my attorney regarding my personal belongs. I wasn't aware as stated before that anything had been done. I really was not in a place or position to talk since I was in a meeting. She told me that she was going to counter sue me. For what I have no idea. She then began to act even more agressive and asked if I'd taken off for the week that she is suppose to get married. I asked her what was she doing that week and she said none of my business. I said okay... Anyway out of the blue a male voice was on the phone and told me that I better watch my f***ing mouth. I said what was that? What did he say? It was the boyfriend. She told me to stop yelling. I was not yelling I was in a meeting with many people and it would have created a disturbance if I'd yelled. I told her I was not yelling but she countinue to insist that I was making it sound that way to the person listening. Once again he said " I said he better watch if f***ing mouth!" This time louder and more agressive. Then I stopped and said this is none of his business and my wife told me that it is his business I'm his fiancee and I better quit talking to her this way. Honestly I wasn't doing anything. I was trying to get back to my meeting before I got into trouble. He said it once again louder and I said this conversation is over and I was at work then hung up. Now this is the kind of thing I have to go through. Not only do I get threats but now I'm getting verbal threats while at my job. This guy is one of satans demons and he's not a believer as a matter of fact he's a wiccan. I've described him before in earlier posts. You know the business and conversations including our children are never his business. He doesn't need to ever make it his business. But she is suposively getting married to this fool. I mean what is this guy going to end up doing beating her. What kind of person does she think he is to say those things to me? Does she think this is the kind of person that's going to treat her with respect when he drinks and goes out all night. He's been with a married woman for almost a year. I'm concerned for my children. Does she not see this is a disaster waiting to happen. If he's this way now it's going to get much worse. I've seen where she has written about him be drunk and mean and keeping her up all night long fighting. I'm convencied that she gone mad and has been taken over spiritually. I had to call my attorney because this is absolutely ridiculas getting calls like this at my job. Especially since I'm the only one that works. This guy doesn't even have a job and lives off my wife who doesn't have a job. Therefore the money he's getting is from myself and her grandparents. This has gotten completely out of control. My attorney told me to document everything and if he made any such statements or threats to me in person that I was to call the police immediately. Again, I very concern about my kids being in this environment these people. I just had to get that out. Please let me know your thoughts. She done everything and more to hurt me. She knows how much I love her and she continues to put this in my face. Why do I continue to love her like I do?

I appreciate you responses and perspective. It's not that I'm not looking forword to spending time with my kids. It's more the change in my circumstances that I regret. I love my kids and do everything I can for them. I'm interested in their education both academically and spiritually. I try to very much be an encourager to help them have more self-confidence. This is something I didn't have with my father. I try to spend time with each of them independently as well as together so each can get my complete attention. I try to understand and appreciate their individual personalities and strengths and weaknesses. I also try to sit down and teach them age apporpriately male responsibilities. I realize that my boys will one day be responsible not only for caring for themselves but also someone elses daughter and their own children. I want them to be responsible and respectable citizens and Godly men. I don't want them to experience what I've experienced. I want to teach them one day that they need to be wise in picking a mate and what marriage really means in the eyes of God. These are many things that I've learned though the difficulties in my own life and not from my parents. Since I'm not always with them it's difficult to provide consistant guidence bucause they are influence by many other people as they get older. I think as a single father it is difficult to disipline them because I don't get much time with them and I don't want them to relate a negative experience with me. That's just something that I'll have to adjust too as time goes along because they do need disipline and discernment. I hear a lot of fathers and parent experience this in divorce. I realize that God has given me the responsiblity and honor to father these children on earth but I also realize that He is the one they are ultimately accountable too. I'm blessed to have children because I remember my life without them. Things were simplier then but also more selfish. They teach me as well. They remind me of my own childhood or being a specific age. That sometimes keeps you aware of their perspective. My desire as a child was to know my dad was proud of me and approved of me. I valued my fathers time more than his money. I rarely got his time. Thank you for your persectives and helping me to see things in a different light. Thanks also to JJ for the comments on the txt to my wife earlier. I really appreciate that also. You made some very valuable and well evaluated points. That's what I'm trying to learn so please continue if you would be so kind to share your thoughts. Thanks to each of you that read about my journey and help me along the way. I hope you somehow are able to learn what not to do or what to do whatever may be the case. God Bless each of you...

I'm trying to do the best I can right now. I'm trying to be patient with her during this transition but she's not always cooperating. Father's Day is coming up and I don't know what to expect. I always saw Fathers Day as a special day for Dad to get to relax and get special treatment from his family. Being a single Father is more like having the kids dropped off so Mom can relax. There's no fun in that. I mean what's the point. No one cares and no one tries to make the day special. Dad ends up doing all the work and taking all the responsibility. I get that everyday! Who needs a Hallmark card for that? Anyway, this is my first Father's day like this and I'm not really looking forward too it. Can you tell? I'm really struggling this week for some reason. I find myself alone alot and I'm starting to feel as though I don't matter to anyone anymore. No one calls and if my (x)wife contacts me it's very impersonal over text msg. When I reply she either doesn't reply back or she ignors what I ask her. Either way it makes me feel more and more insignificant. God place use here together for relationships. I mean that's ultimately what marriage is all about. I'm kind of getting bored just being with myself. It's okay for a little while but then I feel like I'm on a deserted island. It's been almost a year since me and my wife have separated. I haven't had a kiss or hug in along time. You know the kind that makes you feel loved. No ones wanting to hold my hand etc. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself or have a pity party here. I'm just saying as an adult that's experienced those things you miss them when they're gone. I'm not sure where God is taking this. I've done some many things to grow and change but I'm just not seeing the fruits yet. I know God is blessing me because I woke up today and he's allowed me to have a job and a good place to live. I'm thankful for all that God has done for me in my life. I keep looking around for signs that God is either working in my relationship with my xwife or with my xwife for her salvation. I even look for the signs that he wants me to move on. I don't know what's going on between my wife and the boyfriend. I hear nothing anymore and the kids don't say anything. Sometimes I'm afaid to know. Sometimes the thoughts of her with someone else torture me but then I know it's not God giving me those thoughts. I really miss her but I'm beginning to have doubt that the pieces are ever going to fall into place again. Maybe I'm just a dreamer that doesn't want to face reality that it really over. That's she's really left me and has been with someone else ever since. Does she ever think about me? Does she ever miss me? Does she feel guilt or shame? Does she still love me? Does she still care? Do I even matter? It all goes through my head. The wonder of it all! Thank you for being with me. I wish I could thank you in person but this will have to do. I appreciate any comments or communication you're willing to provide. I alway look forward to seeing if someone has responded. It helps to communicate with someone that understands. God Bless

Purple thank you so much. Your perseption was very helpful for me to re-evaluate my own responses. I think I was trying to say the right things but in the wrong ways. And in some cases, I was saying too much. I can see what your talking about and I can continue to reel in and better control what and how I communicate. It was difficult that morning when that txt conversation was happening. Things were going fast and my emotions were sturred in the fact that I though I was showing her love but she was responding negatively. It started to make be nervous because I was trying to be sincere and non-confrontational. It really become difficult in those situation because things are so fragile and I don't want to make the wrong move or say the wrong things. Celia thanks for the link I did get a chance to read it through and it was very helpful. This statement seemed to express what I'm attempting to do whether or not I'm doing this correctly is still up for debate. I finally spoke to her last night the first time in almost a week over the phone. She started the converstion defensive and somewhat confrontational and it automatically put me on gaurd. She got upset fairly quickly and hung up on me. I called her back and tried to get her to relax and talk with me about the issues and not see things as us battling each other but the problem instead. I went on to try and discuss my oldest son's birthday and she wanted to go back in to arguing about the deadlines that her and her attorney enforced. I'm more than willing to work this out peacfully but when a judge has signed papers that says I'm suppose to do something by a certain date and I'm unable to get it done then I have no other choice but go by the law and request more time. At first she didn't want to get attorneys involved, which is fine by me as long as it doesn't mean trouble. However, I'm trying to abide by the rules that she set. I just don't want to get into trouble or loose my personal belongings. If we can do this casually great but I have to make sure I'm playing it safe legally. I even told her that I hoped for restoration and she knew how I felt about her and the children and nothing had changed about what I had been expressing for almost a year of separation. She told me she believed I loved the kids but not her. I said that was the furthest thing from the truth. I know how I feel in my heart. She said she didn't know if it could be possible to reconcile. I told her to trust in the power of God and everything would workout just fine and even better. She then got defensive all of a sudden and started talking about attorneys again and saying I was trying to start trouble. This is not true. I'm only trying to follow the requirements of the divorce papers otherwise I wouldn't be concerned. But she ended up saying that from now on she would not talk to me ever again about anything and she would go through her attorney for everything. I told her that I didn't want that either. Then she hung up. I tried to call twice and then sent a txt asking her to please reconsider and work with me. I also left a voice message. But that was it for the night. However, I did ask her to tell the kids I missed and loved them very much. This morning I woke up and prayed again then I sent this to her on behalf of my son: Please show to (son): H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y !!!! Today your now 10 years old. How exciting! Mom and I love you very much and we're so proud of you. I miss you and look forward to celebrating this birthday with you. Please know I'm thinking about you today and everyday. I pray God will give you a wonderful Day. I love you... I will pass ur msgs on 2 (son). I do NOT have an atty as of TODAY, So who I am supposed 2 discuss ur things with? It will b a few weeks b4 I hire a new one. -------------------------- This was strange about her attorney. I'm not sure what's happened there and what that means. I replied with this later in the day: I haven't forgot you just because I haven't replied. I do hope that we can work this out like you said. I just have to understand that's all. This is not me against you. I'm not against you in my heart. I hope that I can speak with (son) later. I wish we could all celebrate together as a family. I remember 10 being a fun age. Can't believe (son) is already 10. Maybe we could try and talk again when u feel like it. I'm not really sure what to do next. Thank you for the great advise and your perspective. It's extremely helpful to me and it mean a great deal to have the input. It would be a blessing to hear you thoughts.

Celia and Purple thank you for your posts. It is very helpful to me at this point to get others to communicate with me in this forum. It helps me to stay on track and do what I need to do to get myself and my life in order. And I certainly do hope for restoration. That has always been my desire even at this pivital point. I say pivital because things have changed meaning pre/post divorce. Its just different on the otherside but I've not lost my desire for the salvation of my wife and the restoration of our marriage and family. Celia, you asked some interesting questions about the silent treatment and I'm so glad you did. You made some good points and I tried to absorb everything you were trying to communicate. So here's my first attempt. Yes, I have tried not to take it personal but it is very hurtful. I could understand if a wife or someone is trying to share something meaningful about their feelings or life that it could cause a person to temporarily withdraw but honestly from the facts as I understand them that was not the case here. Our communication was only in txt msgs and I'll even share the string with you so you can evaluate it to see if I'm missing something. It was regarding the insurance and I made a payment without arguement even though I didn't have too. After this she went silent after days of me attempting communication. I forgot 2 ask u about my car insurance, if u have pd it or not? I did you a big favor by paying u out until (future date) even though I didn't have too. It was not due until July and covers future periods not past. I did it because I love you maybe one day you'll realize that. Its NEVER been due in (month), always (month) & (month). Nevermind i will just tell (attorney). If u don't believe me call them yourself. It changed because ur name change. Thanks for being grateful for me paying. It changed when U called them 2 change the address from UR p.o. Box 2 my address & from both our names 2 just my name. So try again & get UR facts straight. Pay it or i will c u in court over it. By the way, u werent doing ME any favors, u were court ordered w an injunction that stated u had 2 keep paying all that till after judge ruled on it. That was filed in (date) (Name) I just once again spoke with them. The policy is (month/day). When u changed ur name they extended the payment period until (future month) to give more time. You are currently paid from (month/day until (future future month/day)like I said before. Why r u being this way? -------------------------- Then everything ended. Maybe you can help me understand. To my knowledge, I was trying to be helpful and loving by doing this. Maybe I missed something. I believe there has been a desire to hurt. It's in many things maybe because she knows my heart and what hurts me. Maybe its because she has the boyfriend that falsely elevates her pride. I don't know. I'd mentioned this subject because I was trying to understand and see where I've gone wrong. I am still trying to learn what if anything I'm doing wrong. All of this has stressed me out so much, it makes me just want to pull away from her. Even though I do love her and don't really want that distance between us. I'd even offered an invitation to visit with me at my new place to see if she was curious but nothing. Its like I'm on pins and neddles when being around her. I never know what's going to happen. She knows my heart and how I feel about her and our family. She knows my desire and that I'm open to restoration. However, I think she takes advantage of me because of this because she can get away with it. Please comment again and share with me. Thank you so much for contributing it means so much. I have to learn where I'm falling short and what's me and what's her. I'm committed to growing in this pain. Thank you for your encouragement. Purple I'm working to try and make things as good as I possibly can for these children. Sometimes it gets to me and breaks me down especially when I'm alone and thinking of them and praying for them. I pray for all of them and my (x)wife daily and often multiple times a day. I do still love them all very much.

My wife continues not to cooperate. She's yet to change the utilities and other services over to her name. I'm not responsible anymore and do and have paid my child support. I don't want to shut things off but I can get her to do anything. She doesn't even communicate unless she wants something. I can't maintain two homes and pay support and all my legal bills at the same time. I've had to get my attorney involved again. I really didn't want to go that route but now I have to play by the courts rules and this was not my decision. I keep praying for her and hoping things will change. I requested a birthday wish list from one of the kids who's birthday is later this week. I've got nothing. I had even requested time to spend with him so only God knows the outcome. So the challenges continue and I have to say that some of these have really tested my faith. I'm just wondering when it's going to stop. She moved some of my things into storage without my knowledge. She wouldn't let me move my things from the house. Told me to get my things out of storage and to stop bugging her. So, Saturday I borrowed a truck and went to the storage facility and when keying the code got "Access Denied". Tried again and same message. I went into the office to get help and this lady told me that the bill had not been paid. Both of us tried to contact my (x)wife but again she would not answer or return the voice messages. When I asked about some information, especially since it was my belonging, the woman got rude. She asked if I was (name) "the boyfriend". The she said sorry your not on the list and it's 3:01 and we close at 3:00. How rude! I asked her to please show some desentency and all I was trying to do was get my things. So she strikes yet again. Now we will have to file something in court. This is all so ridiculas. Why all this? I don't understand. Why be so hateful? I've paid everything I'm suppose too and also her car insurance. Why is she doing this with her life? Why does she insist on being this way? I've continued to try and show love toward her the best I can under these circumstances. I've stayed faithful even though we are no longer married I've continued to honor our marriage. This is so stressful and unnecessary. One day at a time...

"Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak" (Psalm 31:9-10). What more can I say...

As I've mentioned earlier I have to have all my things out of our marriage home by the 15th of the month. I can't begin to tell you the emotional toll this takes. I've been trying to make arrangements with my wife. She's been giving me the silent treatment "cold shoulder" since Tuesday morning when she insisted on arguing over me paying her car insurance. I'm not responsible anymore but I did it because I love her. So ever since its been silence for days. I've tried to send a message or two a day and make one call attempt but nothing. The reason I bring this up is to make people aware of how cruel and emotionally abusive the silent treatment is. Both men and women use this and they both react differently. It's very hurtful. If your doing this to your spouse or have ever done this, please don't do it again. Just as harsh words can cut so can silence. If you want to fill insignificant just let someone treat you like you don't exist. Sure sometime people use silence to "cool" off and that's okay for a short time but you should also communicate that to the other person so there not left wondering. This I understand after doing some research especially hurts a woman and it will eventually break their spirit. Please learn something here and don't use the silent treatment. It may have been you way of controlling things as a child but it is not good for relationships. If you here to fix something then take this along. Having been on the recieving end of this it makes me wonder what if any relationship we really have. I don't think she wants a relationship with me anymore. She's being as ugly as possible in this and I don't see how we could ever have a loving relationship again. She just called and said I couldn't move and want give me another time. It's just the worst mess I've ever experienced. She just wants to make this difficult. You would think that she would want me out as soon as possible but it's more suffering. I really don't know where God is in all this. I keep looking for signs but I'm not seeing anything. Realistically I don't know how this could ever be revived. She just doesn't care anymore that's it. I so wish and pray things were different. It just kills me everyday to the point of overkill. She's done and is doing everything possible to make sure our relationship is dead forever. She's almost made it impossible if not completely impossible. Surely God has a plan for me? I will keep praying and maybe God will answer. As much as I find it hard to believe, maybe this is His answer?