Initiator

Dear Forum Land, Cherish, Hannah and I have been meeting and talking alot and God has been very faithful to help us move forward....this in spite of me blowing it with one liners and ouchy words several times. I sincerely apologize to you Hannah and Cherish for not shutting my mouth no matter what my messed up head was screaming at me. Last night Cherish was AWESOME and walked in Agape Love to help me "get it". Cherish, thank you for doing that; I know it was VERY HARD and you did it for the children first and then for the thread of hope you are holding onto for our OHM!!! Today was a success, Cherish was able to get some yuchy puss out of the wounds I created recently....I think just one of them because of many interruptions from life and blessings. There was also a big wound that she overcame just now at the end of the day that was overwhelming and she kept her sights on restoration and our OHM! You are so incredible Cherish, I truly want to repay you plus interest FOREVER for all the pain, wounds and sorrow I have caused you and our children. Forum land, I am trying to write in a good way even though my mind says I am meesing it all up and not saying the right thing or focusing on Cherish the right way. Nevertheless, CHERISH AND THE CHILDREN ARE WORTH IT.....SO PLEASE CORRECT ME AND HELP ME (i am thankful for any small kudos along the way as well, if any opportunity lends itself) Thank you Cherish and Hannah for Loving Jesus more than giving into fear and hopelessness. I will continue to grow up "one day at a time"! guf

Dear Hannah, You are right, thank you for standing up and speaking out. I won't do it again. guf

Cherish, YOU are still the girl I fell in Love with so many years ago.....and so much more that I am excited about finding out about! Please believe me; you ARE Beautiful, Desirable, Fun to be with and I want to grow OLD and Wrinkled with you and our Children and their Children's Children! Thank you for Loving me and giving me the chance to win your heart back and be a man. Love, guf

Hannah, Thank you for the fun breakfast. You are so fun to be around. God gave you the middle name Joy on purpose. I am so sorry my choices have clogged up the well spring of Joy Father put in you. YOU are SO BEAUTIFUL!!! Thank you for being patient with the "snowcrew" environment during breadfast. Love Daddy

Dear Hannah, I would like to make breakfast for Mom, you and Bethany tomorrow morning. Please reply with what you want to eat. I Love you and am very sad that my past has more words than action. I believe this time IS for real......words won't prove it, only my Agape actions. Thank you for being bold and speaking from your heart. I know it wasn't easy. CYA in the morning! Love Daddy

Dear Cherish, After hours of counsel over the last 3 days with Joel and Kathy and you, I see once again that you are truly INCREDIBLE and I should be SO THANKFUL every second of every day that you are allowing me to win your Heart back. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be the Man of God Jesus gave his life for me to be to you and our children.....thank you so much! Thank you for allowing me to be back home, to be a Daddy, and for all the awesomeness that you are. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! dg

Dear Cherish, I am so sorry for not dying right and not initiating Agape Love so the homecoming would be fun, not scary. Thank you for letting me come home. I sincerely appreciate it. I will gladly respect and obey ALL of your boundaries posted above and any more that you need in addittion as they come up. I LOVE YOU AND AM LOOKING FORWARD TO OUR OHMF!! Again, THANK YOU so much for "letting" me come home. I agree that I could have and should have died better and provided a safer place up till now. I believe that there are some good things that will help us go forward in our OHM by us being together.....IF I am SAFE and INITIATE AGAPE LOVE TO ALL OF YOU!!! I will sleep on the floor or the couch or wherever you want me to, I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE SCARED!!! rk

Dear Cherish, I am so sorry for all the pain I have caused you by not "manning up" "dying right" and "just doing it". You are absolutely right. I should have posted something. Regardless of the depression, losing my medicine and any paragidgm that is screaming at me....YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! Please forgive me for causing you more pain and challenging your decision to allow me back in your safe place. Although I know it's going to be easier when we are together, for many reasons, it is NOT FAIR that I rejected you by not doing more of the list and not posting. You are once again in a VERY UNSAFE PLACE and I am sure you feel trapped and forced to let me come back because of the timing of the job and the need of the children. I am sorry for not pressing past any thoughts, feelings or depression to reach out to you more than once several days ago to help finish strong at home here with the projects that were left to do before I left; our budget, posting, work project, and proposal to work to keep pay the same for awhile. It is NOT fair for me to take advantage of the schedule and responsibilities you have there, that you have because of my choices. I am trying to focus more on your pain in this post as has been taught by you and other helpers. Hopefully, I am doing ok, please let me know how I can do better. Hannah, Ditto to all of the above for how it has affected you. Thank you for being Mom's faithful friend and for texting me and encouraging me to post. I am so sorry for hurting you and rejecting you as well. road kill

Forum land, I've read the posts since my last post and am sincerely sorry for the pain and wounds that I've caused. I just deleted an entire post because it was not good, and would have dug a deeper hole. I will pray and post again later today, I cannot trust myself now, but wanted you all to know I tried.......and Kimberley, you will most surely say that I am all words and no action, I apologize.

Your last post was Thurs. the 17th. I'm not happy and I am not shocked.... Dear CheRIsh, you are absolutely right, it is extremely selfish and childish for me to not post no matter what the reason!! It is a simple and quick way to show how valuable you are and help heal the bleeding wounds. Please forgive me for not drawing on Father’s strength like I should in order to handle “life” (the bed I made for myself) and therefore not giving you my best death. YOU are awesome and I am so looking forward to never having to leave you and the children again. When we were praying night before last God gave US and New Song….yes, you and I together can make REAL GOOD music!! I know I convinced you that you don’t know how to sing very well, but that was one of many lies that I convinced you of because of my “(you fill in the blank)” everything that is not Agape Love for 28 years (25 married and 3 dating). The song we sang was “All I need to know is YOU Know” talking about only needing to Know that Father Knows and is still “I AM” and “IN CONTROL”. We also have been taught that when the Natural and Supernatural come together there is an explosive force of God’s awesome Love, Provision and Power………Please forgive me for “working against” Father’s Love and Provision for so many years and even lately by not pressing into HIM in order to be able to DIE RIGHT and meet your needs. Now, finally WE get to be together in Transparency and Truth, I so need to INITIATE, instead of responding! Please forgive me for actually agreeing in a “responding”, biting way that I was responding, instead of initiating last night on the phone. Regardless of being out of the add meds, I still need to CONTROL my mouth!! There’s more I need to post but also need to call you about Luke. adg

Dear CHeRIsh, Please post what needs to be said, I will own it and die right. 6 minutes left in the best NBA game 7 I've ever seen, enjoying it with Luke but would SO MUCH RATHER BE WITH YOU ANYWHERE! ash

Dear CHeRIsh, I LONG to be WITH YOU Precious. YOU are so AMAZING, Amazingly BEAUTIFUL, Amazingly SMART, Amazingly FAITHFUL and FUN to be with. (i could go on for a LONG time on this list) I am so SAD that YOU and the CHILDREN are in the MESS I've created. WE will be TOGETHER AGAIN very soon and THIS TIME it will be IN TRANSPARENT TRUTH and HONESTY. Father, your Word says, in 1Th 5:24 Faithful is He Who is calling you [to Himself] and utterly trustworthy, and He will also do it [fulfill His call by hallowing and keeping you]. Wow! YOU ARE SO AMAZING FATHER, after all I've done to spit on your forgiveness and desecrate your Love for me.....THANK YOU FOR FORGIVING me AND BEING FAITHFUL!! CHeRIsh and I are SO LOOKING FORWARD to YOUR OHMF!! We DECLARE that YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF EVERY ASPECT OF OUR LIVES, ESPECIALLY THIS TRANSITION. YOU are in CONTROL of ALL of the things that FEEL out of control. WE TRUST YOU AND REST IN YOU TODAY!! adg

CHeRIsh, i WILL DIE AND DO THE LIST! i Love YOU and we will be together soon and you can REST!! adg

Dear CHeRIsh, YOU ARE SO AWESOME!! Wow, I don't know what I keep hitting on the keyboard that enters the post, that is why the above post says what it does and why this post said I edited it. I know why..... It's because I am SO IN LOVE WITH MY BRIDE!!! Thursday after I had "the talk" with the "J.O.B. Boss" I was emotionally obliterated. I litterally couldn't think or function, and Friday wasn't much better. The reason I am posting "my feeling" (because I don't have any for 6 months) is because I realized what CHeRIsh feels like, maybe just a fraction of what she feels like because of me and my choices, especially since Feburary first since we've been seperated. I am speechless trying to wrap my mind around what CHeRIsh has gone through and is going through to NOT QUIT! She has some awesome competition from all the incredible wives that have not given up on their dg's, BUT CHeRIsh, YOU ARE THE GREATEST, MOST INCREDIBLE WOMAN THAT EVER WALKED IN AGAPE LOVE ON THIS EARTH!!! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you again forever, for LOVING ME AND THE CHILDREN AND MOST IMPORTANTLY FOR NEVER LETTING GO OF YOUR GRIP ON FATHER'S NECK! p.s. Forum Land update on Luke: Luke finally started a forum for Mom, Luke and I to post to each other. Luke is very quiet, a TRUE ARTIST, and a deep thinker, therfore a tough nut to crack open and get talking. He types over 75 wpm, due to his years of piano playing and posting on boards and forums, so it's easier for him to open up on a forum. Please pray with CHeRIsh and I that Luke's heart opens up as I continue to die and attempt to walk in AGAPE Love with him. The forum is of his own choice, a free one not on this forum; we'll keep you posted of the progress. adg

oops, I hit the enter button....lol

Dear Hannah, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND LOVELY AND REALLY SMART!!! Thank you for being bold and telling the truth about how I hurt you. I apologize again for everything. Thank you for sharing you heart and forgiving me. WOW, I am SO HOLDING THE PICTURE OF MY BRIDE AND ALL OUR CHILDREN RUNNING TO ME WHEN I AM SAFE AND AGAPE. Julie and Kimberly, you two have a new "helper" Hannah, like Mom said Forum land, the sit down talk with Mr. Allen went well....I actually told him the truth, the whole truth and it went very well. The details are not worked out yet but I will not be working from KC according to the conversation today. Please continue to pray for wisdom on the best way to leave, because you always enter the way you leave and CHeRIsh and the children DESERVE and NEED the BEST NEXT....... adg

The meeting was on the phone in an informative manner, no decicions were discussed other than the FACT that I MUST be with my Family regardless of my status with the company. We will meet in person tomorrow to review possible transition scenarios. dg

Forum Land, This is what it feels like to walk in understanding with your wife.....or at least the beginning of what it feels like; it's good, very good. It's sad that I've taken so long to "really" hear CHeRIsh's heart and "see", to the small degree that I have so far, what is MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE. The talk with the owner of the company was done today and now we get to watch Father have fun and do what He Loves to do. CHeRIsh's only request for our 25th Wedding Anniversary was to cut the ties and set in motion Father's will. IT ONLY GETS BETTER FROM HERE ON OUT, right Julie? CHeRIsh, thank you for helping me see the truth of how PRICELESS YOU AND OUR CHILDREN OUR!!! That is why it was easy compared to what I had feared for so long. Now....pressing in and going faster and harder after CHeRIsh's heart, to win Her back and RUN into OHMF land. Hannah, thank you for the Bible verse today. Joshua 1: 5-9 "CHerIsh and dg, no man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life....."I WILL" be with you; "I WILL" not fail you or forsake you. Be strong, confident and of good courage.........be strong and very courageous........be strong, vigorous, and very courageous. Be not afraid, neither be dismayed, for "I AM" with you wherever you go." dg

Dear Hannah, Thank you for being patient in waiting for me to reply to the three areas that need to be addressed as Julie clearly defined. Hannah, all physical interaction with you that makes you feel anything but Cherished and Agape Loved is inappropriate. I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE for NOT respecting the boundaries of YOUR HEART through the years. I instinctively knew it was uncomfortable for you and I knew why, yet I selfishly continued to get MY need of showing you Love the way “I” wanted at YOUR COST! That was very carnal, selfish and childish of me. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR NOT WALKING IN UNDERSTANDING OF YOU HEART AND NOT PROTECTING YOUR HEART! I will Love you how YOU want to be Loved always!!! Please forgive my STUPID, CHILDISH horseplay on the trip while you were driving. I don’t know how to explain it fully, but somehow, my goofing around with you and poking you was mocking your boundaries and saying you were not right and making you feel stupid, vulnerable and lonely. Please forgive me, I WILL guard and protect YOUR HEART! Hannah, you are absolutely right in being anxious about the money and for sweetly trying to ask me about money. This is a need of your heart because I have been SO Financially ABUSIVE over the years. You had EVERY RIGHT to ask me questions above the money and you have EVERY RIGHT to ask ANY QUESTION you want to at ANY TIME!!! YOU ARE LOVELY AND BEAUTIFUL AND WORTH ALL THE CHANGING AND DYING NEEDED TO WIN YOUR HEART BACK AND THEN PROTECT YOUR HEART!! I LOVE YOU and am looking forward to giving you away to a MATURE MAN OF GOD some day……that is one of the strongest motivations driving me to change…..I DO NOT WANT YOU TO MARRY A JERK LIKE ME!!! YOU ARE WORTH THE VERY BEST DAD AND THE VERY BEST HUSBAND!!! DEADDaddy

CHeRIsh, Julie is right, YOU ARE VERY ENCOURAGING AND VERY AWESOME! I don't deserve anything, but am truly grateful for your Love and all that you are doing to help me grow up. Thank you again Julie for posting and guarding CHeRIsh to make sure I don't blind side her. I WILL continue to grow up and I WILL talk to the boss tomorrow and make our 25th Wedding Anniversary something other than disaster and a new wound. Yes, tomorrow is our 25th Anniversary. CHeRIsh asked me to make it all about her and do what SHE wanted......I didn't realize that "cutting" the ties "officially" that have held me to the "mistress" that the job has become was on our 25th Anniversary until tonight. No wonder Tuesday was such an BIG day for me to do this! I need to call CHeRIsh back now, will post more later. dg

CHeRIsh, absolutely, we will plan and pray and have fun doing it, lol. Hannah, the meeting with Mom tonight was just getting started when our friend Kurt called for me to come over and help him with his son who went off the deep end and would have hurt his sister if Kurt wouldn't have stopped him and then the son threatened to stab him in his sleep. I truly was sad to help him because I was really looking forward to the meeting with Mom tonight. I tottally left it in Mom's hands whether I would go over there or not and said I would rather not, but she wanted me to go and I just got back. I Love you and will address the deeper issues of your heart (that I caused) after talking to Mom tomorrow evening. Thank you for having patience with me, I LOVE YOU!!! dg Daddy

Dear Hannah, You are absolutely right; please don’t stop telling me that I need to be there. The truth of what you all are going through is what will give me the boldness to talk to Mr. Allen (the owner of the company I am a director at, for the helpers reading this) this week or next week; whichever Mom decides is best based on the scenario at work. She believes Father showed her I was supposed to talk to him this Tuesday. Please pray for wisdom for Mom, me and Mr. Allen, that we will do Father’s will, period! I’ve told you this so many times, but am saying it again; YOU are THE REASON this family is still together. I know you may not see that or believe it, but your prayers, every one of them have been heard and answered by Father over the last 3 years. You are Mommy’s BEST FRIEND and you VALIDATE her; I haven’t. You are HOPE! When Mommy looks at your purity, your first kiss being held for your husband, your devotion to keeping your promises, your abandonment to Father, even though He seems so far away and doesn’t want to talk to you, her HOPE is renewed because she SEES what SHOULD BE FOR ALL THE CHILDREN. She sees the DREAM that she had as a little girl and when she got married. You hold SO MUCH POWER AND INFLUENCE over me, the GOOD, GOD Kind. i.e. You’re encouraging me endlessly to listen to the “Father Heat of God” teaching, your encouraging me to go down for prayer Saturday before last at the Awakening. I could go on and on. Please DON’T STOP!!! Julie, thank you for your reminder above. CHeRIsh asked me to post a quick reply in order to keep me word and reply again when I had more time to reply in depth. Hannah, I will reply to these today, but I need to talk to Mommy first to make sure I am replying the best way. I need to go fix the car now so I have a ride to work in the morning; Luke and I have been working on it and we think we have it figured out. Please pray that Father supernaturally works with the head sealant stuff we are going to put in it because it has a cracked head and if it doesn’t work, we will have to have a funeral for “Joe” (we name our vehicles, the family van’s name is Abby) Hannah, I’m coming home soon, very soon, even if I have to quit my job, and I MEAN THAT!!! Thank you again for being bold to tell me how bad it is at home and how we need to be together (and yes to CHeRIsh and the helpers, I know that being home again will not allow me to back off one millimeter from pressing in and dying, in fact it will require more death….and I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO IT!!) Your Daddy that Loves you is dying in order to be able to be the HERO that you and all the children need! dg

New Poster Luke and I will make today to put on the wall. Thanks again Julie for being led by Holy Spirit....you and CHeRIsh are obviously part of the same club because you BOTH ROCK!! Kimberly, Woudl it be possible for Josh to post the scriptures he recently gave on the phone call concering dying to self? I have many of them memorized over the years and read them all countless times, but obviously.........need them again. dg

CHeRIsh, I just talked to you on the phone during your yard sale. I am so sorry my financial abuse and irresponsibility is the cause of you spending your time at a yard sale when there are so many more important things you want to do. Yard sales are great and fun sometimes, but not when you do them because you have no clue what the budget is. I promise I will get the budget straight today and then have a GoTo Meeting to show you where we are and give you full ability to ASK AS MANY QUESTIONS AS YOU WANT, EVEN THE SAME ONES AS MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT!!! I LOVE YOU! P.S. Forum land, I hope this is the kind of post I am supposed to be doing, I am not going to try to figure it out because Joel said to JDI and I would "find out" lol, where I went wrong. Thank you again for taking the time to help us reach OHMF land. dg (aka digging guy......digging out of the hole i've dug, reaching for "being a safe place for CHeRIsh, and a Mature Man of God") P.S.S. I will reply to Hannah's post today before lights out.

Julie, Thank you for your encouragement about everything falling into place when I walk in understanding with CHeRIsh, I needed that. Thank you also for calling me on not responding to Hannah as well; just following orders. CHeRIsh, I LOVE YOU AND NOW I "GET" TO PROVE IT. dg (after Pastor's left hook, hard right to get back on the right track, thanks for the tough Love Joel!)