Have Questions; Not Even Sure Where to Post........?

[MaryJane]

I'm sure glad you have Jesus! He's a Shelter in the time of storm!

 

It could be that, in the moment, your husband feels like he has no clue what to say or do when you open up to him about anything. Here is a suggestion, sort of a "scientific" experiment. Write him a note. Make it as concise as possible. That is, with no explanations or complaints of any kind.

 

Example only:

 

Remind him briefly of your "conversation" about your parents. Then write, "This is exactly what would have been a huge relief for me (or benefit, or made me feel loved, or etc.) -- if you had moved a little closer, looked at me the whole time I was talking, and said, "Posyplanter, I'm sorry you have these issues concerning your parents to deal with. What can I do to take some of the load off your mind?"

 

That was just my rough idea of what you would have loved him to do. I think it's important to keep your information simple and specific. He can learn all the why's and wherefore's later.

 

The finish of your note could (briefly) cheerfully mention how you probably would have responded!

 

I like to give my husband a note like that when he has time alone to run through his list of defences in his own mind first, i don't have to hear them (or feel them), and he has time to come up with a reply that works for me!

 

That's the method that works for us. We are, I realize, all different!

 

God bless you! Is the intensive still a go for you two, this month?

[posyplanter]

Hi there!

Believe it or not, we made it to the Intensive!!! I feel like God just turned that storm around, and this part of Florida wasn't hit nearly as hard as most everywhere else. Our son was praying and believing God was going to work it out, even after I had all but given up for this month. He was asking for prayer {as an "unspoken request} at church and I know at his Bible Study too. All I know is that God wanted us here, and turned a hurricane around so we could come!

 

So far, it's been good to be here. Of course, there's the ever present wondering whether hubby will actually go the distance or not........he usually says whatever  he thinks the counselor, or the kids, or myself, [Just fill in the blank] wants to hear, but that doesn't mean he'll follow through.

 

Time for the next session...gotta go! Thanks for your prayers!

[MaryJane]

Wonderful! Wonderful! Wonderful! Just enjoy it. Don't worry about posting here. I can wait!

 

God bless you both with a marvellous breakthrough! ❤️

[posyplanter]

Well, we are back from the Intensive and had to hit the ground running right the next day, so I've had no time to post.

 

Wow, you are all so right, it was AMAZING!

 

I feel like Joel and Kathy had their hands full with those of us who were there; God bless them!

 

I don't know what I would have done without Kathy; she kept me "looking up" during our [very painful] private session. I was hurting deeply, and angry that I "allowed" those feelings to penetrate my heart. At one point, all I wanted to do was just to get out of there, as far away from my husband as possible. I wanted to just leave him there, or ship him away, and go hide from him either forever, or until he got "fixed". He was genuinely repenting, [or so it seemed] but what if he quit midway? What if I trust him and then get hurt more deeply than ever before? What if he's more messed up than he admits or they realize? What if he's HOPELESSLY messed up!? I didn't want "hugs, smiles, and kisses" from a messed up and arrested man! What if he just quits and hurts me again??? The thought of opening my heart felt like jumping out of an airplane......

 

Kathy told me I need to be willing to [begin] opening my heart, that was the only way I could hold him accountable, and really, I knew this from reading the books, but it was sooo hard to think about becoming vulnerable again! For so long, it had been just "Jesus and me". That felt safe; I know how to do that. This process of restoration? I was scared stiff. She said to me, "This is a new path now. God wants to take you to Canaan. You've been in the wilderness long enough!" I knew it was true, but right then, the wilderness looked pretty safe.

 

 

Later that evening, I went outside and had a "meltdown". I told Jesus I had to have a word from him, and wasn't going back inside unless he went with me. He gave me Isaiah 42:16, and for a few moments, Heaven opened up.. "And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known:: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them and not forsake them."

 

Wow, that was the verse he gave me right [days] before my husband's friend gave us a copy of the 1st book, and I was crying out to God for help. I felt at that moment like I was blind, didn't know this way, it looked dark, scary, dangerous, and if ever a path seemed "crooked", this one certainly did.....like I couldn't see around the next bend. God said he would lead us, the blind; [hmmm, my husband???] in a way we haven't known before. He was, even then, making darkness light [Kathy said she'd "hold the flashlight" for me.] And the crooked things? The lies, the deception, the hurts and disappointments? He promised to make them straight. We had a "Joshua", [two of them; Joel and Kathy!] to lead us to Canaan, but we were going to have to trust God and them, just like God's people had to trust Joshua. He promised not to forsake us, so what did I have to lose? Was I going to refuse to follow him, after having come this far?

 

Gradually, I felt calmed by the presence of God and realized he had never left me, and that I would not need to leave the safety of his presence to walk this new way.....he was answering prayer, and now I was afraid to walk through the door he was opening!  We haven't left Egypt to die in the wilderness; he wants to take us to Canaan!!! My husband seemed different from all the other times he had resolved to "improve". This felt "real" like the time God got a hold of him while he was praying in the woods, he came back home completely changed, repented, and started walking this way with nobody explaining it to him. He just obeyed the Lord....

This time we've got someone with experience holding us accountable, so we don't backslide. What a gift from Heaven!

 

I went back inside. It was still painful, but the edge had been taken from the pain, from the sweet balm of the Holy Spirit ministering to me.....

 

The next day's sessions were eye opening for us, and yes, I understood the "reasons for the craziness" better than before, along with the way out. I saw that we couldn't possibly go through this Process without me being willing to open up. We watched Kathy's skydiving video, while I cried through most of it. Jesus told me I was jumping with him and he wasn't going to let me perish.

 

The trip home was actually a blessing. We listened to a few dvd's, and for the first time in years, I felt like it was a sweet blessing to be with my husband. He ministered life, not death. I didn't feel the ever present knot in my stomach. [ I used to hate going on long trips with him, because I'd usually have a headache and a stiff neck, along with the knot in my stomach.]  He even drove differently....well, most of the time, lol. I had to remind him a few times.

 

This oxytocin thing.....well it's true. It actually works! I feel like I am being healed. Please Jesus, don't let him stop! Oh sorry, I forgot. Some of that is my job.

 

Btw, Kathy showed me your picture Mary Jane, so now I know what you look like!  
I'd love to meet you in person! Thanks a whole bunch for your prayers and support, and especially for praying that hurricane the other way!

 

We still have a long journey ahead of us, but what a difference I have felt already. Praise God! I feel like the parachute has opened now.

[MaryJane]

Oh wow! I absolutely LOVE this!! God is SO good! A person can never say that enough!

 

I love those last few words of the scripture the Lord gave you -- "These things WILL I do unto them and not forsake them." It feels so good to know that He is absolutely trustworthy! The parachute has opened.

 

I think it's interesting that we who have been so sorely hurt ALSO have our part to play in healing the marriage. That's what scared me the most, having to do my part. But God always comes to our rescue before it's too late. He ALWAYS comes through!

 

God bless you my dear. Be strong. Stay strong. In Him and because of Him!

 

So Kathy showed you a picture of me, eh? I certainly hope it was from my "best side."

[posyplanter]

Just a quick hello, before I'm off and running again!

Thanks so much for your prayers and encouragement, MaryJane! You probably know more about me, than most of the folks I see every day.......my sweet friend from afar who loves Jesus, has stood with me and prayed a hurricane the other way.....it was great "meeting" you the other evening on the conference call! You look sweet, yet sophisticated in your picture! )

 

It's definitely been a lot different since we're back, slow going at times, yet at least forward and not backward. My husband says he has a greater understanding than he ever had before, and even though he doesn't always "get it", he doesn't fight me when I remind him. Yes, we definitely have challenges, one being that we are much too busy! We are working on scaling that back, as we don't want an inferior experience. We can't afford to backslide!!!

 

Our children are noticing a difference as well. Our family just got done processing 6 bushels of apples [together!] which was a miracle in itself; not so much that Dad didn't get called in to work, but that none of us was wishing for him to!

 

Gotta run; I'll post more later!

[MaryJane]

Hi Posyplanter,

 

I'm on the call listening to you right now.  Sounds good!  

 

It was good to hear the advice Brian and Charlotte gave to your husband to encourage you to tell him what is on your heart.  

 

'Later!

[posyplanter]

Hello again,

Wow, I sure haven't had much time to post lately. Extra time is usually taken up with homework; conference calls, watching dvds, communicating, etc., family meetings with our kiddos, and just life!

 

We're definitely still moving forward!!! Even though it seems hubby loses his focus sometimes, we usually get it turned around. We certainly haven't arrived yet, but so far, I've seen some pretty notable changes. Possibly the biggest one being that of not fighting the role he is to play. He may not always "get it" right away, but when it's pointed out, instead of resenting me and sulking for days or weeks, he is quick to make it right. He told me a few days ago that he can't bear the thought of going back to the old life, so I think he likes himself better too!

 

It's been astonishing to me how the breakthrough began at the Intensive, after years of touch and go, without a genuine heart change. Nothing else ever worked! [at least not long term.] .A few nights ago during a conference call, we concluded that more solid, life changing advice and counsel had been given there in ninety minutes, than we had received in a year of conventional Christian counseling. Not that the counseling was totally bad.....they really had a heart to help the hurting. They were just missing the most powerful, life changing, Biblical truths! They did a great job teaching us how to manage the symptoms of dysfunction. Joel and Kathy showed us how to heal the disease, because they know the cure, for those willing to take the medicine!

 

It has been soooo worth going; I definitely recommend it! The books are great, but the Intensive was so much more powerful. Exactly what my passive guy needed......and me too!

 

It's amazing what a weight has come off of me already. Our family is facing some major changes, [mostly because of our parents' health issues] so the  reduction in cortisol has been a real blessing!

 

Although I do get tired of reminding hubby and keeping him on track, [i feel like such a nag sometimes!] it has helped tremendously to understand the true Biblical pattern outlined in Scripture, and realize that as helpmeet, that is indeed what I am to do.

 

I've gotta run, once again......

God bless!

 

 

[MaryJane]

Ah, I missed you! Sometimes I forget to check. Then I was without Internet access OR cell phone for three days. Felt very odd!

 

I love your post! I do understand how it can get tiring reminding. At times it feels like this is going to be an endless job. But when our husbands "get" some part of this new life, the rewards feel so good! (Something like having a baby -- the rewards for all that labour, etc. are great!)

 

I heard the last half hour or so of your part of the call tonight. Wow, pretty thorough advice and back and forth conversation! I liked the advice for your husband to compartmentalize the negative part of life that he has to think about and be "all there" for you and the children.

 

God's blessings to you dear lady! Thank you for updating!