Purple

I've been off the forum for awhile due to the change and incredible workload with my job. Just saw where you had updated. It is two steps forward and one back for awhile. Not saying that as discouragement. Giving you validation. I still can get so MAD at my husband...and it's what's underneath mostly...not that he has majorly messed up again. It is a process to get it right, not just an event. Know that this is normal. It's difficult, yes, frustrating, yes, but it is normal. It is even more telling for us all that we should never allow our marriages to get to this hurtful place to start with...because it is difficult to get back. I applaud you for listening to her feelings, giving her space within limits, and making decisions for the family to get you all closer while MOm pursues things that are important to her. I am feeling really good that she is engaging with the children again and wanting to be more involved. this is a season of unrest...and you and she seem to be working together to address the needs of each other and even more importantly your children. I pray for you all often still. We all need it. I feel the unrest of the world's time...and know that Satan is enjoying the destruction of families...and truthfully, I recognize that sometimes he does nothing more than plant a thought...and we run with it while he sits and enjoys the show. It is time we all rise up to be the Christians we say we are and follow Christ's principles as individuals, married couples, and parents. Thank you for checking in. Helps us all keep accountable on this journey and be more specific in our prayer requests. I'm so glad your Lovely is giving it a try! I applaud her!

what a courageous WOMAN of God you are. Praying for your family during this time! Lifting you up in Spirit.

I've had your family on my mind last couple of days! Will start prayer coverage! Satan doesn't want to see our families healed and prospering! However, we serve an Awesome God who is our Comfort, Restorer, Healer, & Protector. He delights in the desires of our hearts! Praying your requests are given heed, dear Kay!

Lifting you all up in prayer!! Please remember...it is HUGE that she is risking her heart again. I've held her to high standards...so know that it is serious for me to tell you give her lots of grace. It is horrifyingly scary to dare let our husbands back in after we've hurt so bad.!! With Him, nothing is impossible. Rooting for you all!!!

will be covering you in prayer and holding you in my thoughts. My heart is grieving for you & this situation.

Gentlemen, may I reply as a wife that is in the process of trying to trust her husband again? I hope it might help. The I don't know you anymore.....comes from many places. First, we had one picture in our hearts and minds of who you were and what married life would be when we married. Turns out, that wasn't correct. Now that you're putting forth an effort to be Christlike....we see it, we acknowledge it,....but dare we believe this is real? Dare we believe that if we let our guards down a tenth of an inch...that the old man will creep right back in? We have suffered, we have prayed, we have stood for our man and our marriage, we have cried, we have wanted, we have desired, and we have.....hope deferred. It has made us sick. We can't trust our mind, feelings, or emotions....somedays...we don't know why we feel what we do. The danger of getting your wives, including myself, into this place....is that while we still love you....the hurt is so intensely deep, we've lost sight of our individual selves in Christ and it is beyond FRIGHTENING to consider that you could do this to us again. My husband is doing most everything right. He slipped just an inch this weekend....and honestly, he's human as I am and will fall...it's inevitable....and a furor erupted in me...way more than called for due to his slip. I was disheartened for myself that it upset me so....but it is because of YEARS of bad treatment that went to my very soul....and that doesn't change overnight. Remember, consistency...dying to self. And the stark realization that you are reaping what you have sown.....AND as you continue to sow agape love to your wives, seeking Christ and the man He has called you to be, your wife will soften as she heals. I have softened immensely since we started this path....and I was about as hardened as it could be. Hope this helps. It actually helped me to type it as I am dealing with questions myself on letting down the guard a little bit more.

I'm in too!!!

Minor setback...or roadblock. Think we're thru it...but...man, can he infuriate me...and whether or not I'm justified or have a right to the hard feelings from 10 yrs...THIS IS HARD. IT IS HARD TO STAY AND FIGHT. IT IS HARD AND INFURIATING TO HAVE TO CONTINUE TO ADDRESS THOSE RECURRENCES OF SELFISHNESS AND BASIC STUPIDITY! He's out of town, said something that triggered me, I called him back later when no one was around him there and our daughter was asleep here...and he just continued to play the game. My tone of voice should have been better. I didn't put into practice the things I've learned about not talking longer than 3 min...lowering my voice instead of raising it, silent pauses that work wonders on him figuring out on his own what he's done wrong, etc. I just kept talking. Not screaming. But not pleasant. And when he was playing the teenage adolescent...going, yes, yes, yes, uh-huh, yes ma'am, whatever you say ma'am....I just asked him if he planned on coming home to this house...or where was he choosing to live from now on? That he could change his crappiness...and own up to what he's done...and stop throwing me under the bus....or he could just live elsewhere. He finally changed...and sincerely...I just resent having to resort to that...I feel like I'm made out to be the B*t*h....and have to own up to the fact that I was being one for 50% of it.... In order to sleep tonight...in peace...I need to own that I recognize I failed to use the techniques in communication that work for us...that God has shown me; he did admit he was at fault and could have handled this better; and he has done an awesome job at changing. He really has. I have some forgiveness I need to do....and I'm still really hurt I was ever put in this situation in the first place. I royally resent his family of origin that heap issue upon issue...without wanting help of their own...and the position they put us in of having to set boundaries. I'm exhausted; I've had 2 really bad weeks at work; I've had way, way too much sugar the last 2 weeks; I haven't had a quiet time; I haven't been in prayer as I should. I'm letting my arsenal of spiritual strength and connection with the Lord fall by the wayside...and I see the fruits of efforts in all this chaos. Just purging this in writing...has given me a release. Finally allowed the tears to come...and to let some of this out. Good night friends. Tomorrow is a fresh new beginning. His mercies are new every morning! Praise His Name!

saying a prayer for you! What a lovely woman of God you are!!! I started a Bible study recently by Jennifer Rothschild called Me, Myself, & Lies, A Thought Closet Makeover. It has had a powerful effect on me and my relationship with the Lord. Might be a good option for you as you are surrendering these lies from your thought closet. How blessed we are to know you & benefit from you!!

My heart hurts for you reading your update. I have yearned my entire 10 yr marriage for all the things you listed. It is a soul-ache that you can't describe adequately...it takes having been there...living there to get it. I know that it breaks our Savior's heart that his daughters are treated so poorly. i have had so much poor pitiful me out of my husband...and just trying to appease the little wife...rather than making it right. Going to stop here rather than cuss!!! praying for you!!!

I read your post last night...wasn't able to respond. First thing I wished...is that I could call you...because I could have written that response 5-6 mos ago. When we were new to marriage recovery mode....he would immediately apologize...and very sincerely...without any or very little prompting by me....and I would still be furious, hurt to the core, and just couldn't stand to look at him. One particular incident I remember...he apologized sincerely 4-5 times...and I finally told him...I hear you. I believe you. And I'm still furious. I'm just so hurt from years of this. I feel so insignificant....and even knowing right now that you mean your apology...I'm still mad. So, I'm just going to go in the other room by myself for awhile. Leave me be. I have no interest in shooting you down when you're being sincere...I'm just very hurt. I know sometimes they say to let the husband hear you out....my issue is...I needed to be away from his presence. I didn't want or need him to grovel. I was just soo mad that for me, I needed to be myself until in a better place. We tend to have screaming fights...and I knew I could go there...and I didn't want to...and didn't need to in that he was being sincere. Not saying any of that applies to you...just wanted you to know and feel that someone gets it. This is normal. I needed people to tell me that. God will show you both the way as you continue to walk out the precepts of this ministry. Praying for you...hope your heart receives blessings today!!!

Praise His Holy Name!!! Thank you Father!! Kudos to you U....for walking out this ministry. Even bigger kudos to your Lovely...for looking inside herself...and being willing to let down her walls, and let you in again! I stand in agreement with Firewalker's prayer....More Lord. Standing firm in prayers for your family! Amen!!!!

My husband is the KING of passive agressive...and it is every bit as controlling...and overtly. The first place you need change is with you. I understand completely what you've written. This ministry is a wonderful tool of Christ's to open our eyes to the true definition/description of marriage. In your situation, it is understandable that you may have to have some contact with him due to work arrangement. Please do not feel that you have to perform a certain way to be here. The biggest help to me in the beginning was: reading the books, reading the forums, and pouring out my heart as Christ led me. I needed the prayer support, written encouragement, and written teaching to become a lifter of sorts so I could hold my head up again. You'll see on here people that are helpers. Go read their stories from start to finish. See and read their journey...you'll gain strength and education for yourself seeing where Christ has brought them from. Praying for you today, dear lady. God never brings us to anything that He won't see us thru....

Sorry you've had a tough day. Sorry that this road lead where it did instead of an OHM. Glad that you know Jesus. Certain that HE will see you thru it! Certain you will experience blessings unknown to even think. As for your inlaws, let time show them. Obviously, they have some respect for you if they are coming to keep the kids. They will see Christ thru you...just as we do here. They will see you with head held high even while grieving. They will see His light shine thru you as you parent. In time, they will realize. And hey, you weren't wife 1 or 2...so they should know by now that he has some responsibility somewhere. Praying for you! I see so much growth in you just reading what you write. God has done a miraculous work in your life...and He isn't thru yet! love, prayers, and blessings to you!

It is late, & I'm cking this by phone; but, man can I relate to your story. In man many ways. Glad you are here. Will be praying for you! Will post more when I can from computer & not little keyboard.

My heart hurts reading your update. What they don't realize when we are fighting a war within ourselves to just give them a second chance...& then they lie again Praying for you!

Wow. I'm teared up here with the turn in events. Good things are happening. God is moving, U, thru you and it's turning her heart. It isn't just on your wife's part...it is the change in you...the consistent change that she has needed. Okay, now, I'm not one to jump out and talk intimate issues with a man...especially another woman's husband. I want to encourage you here...so I am going to do so in very general terms. There has obviously been a lack of intimacy with your wife mostly on your part...that basically tore at her soul and stacked up with other issues. If she is sleeping with you, this is a good sign...and one for you not to take lightly... I know you don't want to move too fast...and this is good. REMEMBER HOWEVER, you are to be the initiator and she the responder. You need to pray specifically for ways that you pursue her intimately and find what she is needing. As she continues to become more comfortable with you, then she will open up more. I'm not saying tell her you're ready for relations...it is finding what she is ready for...and knowing that she may have to call a halt in the middle of the next step because she's scared or not ready. Holding hands in bed, cuddling, etc are good things to start off with. Ask her what she wants. Tell her you want to love her the right way this time...and that you know now it starts with finding out how she needs to be loved. That you want to take it slow so you get it right, heal what you hurt, and build a solid foundation so what has transpired doesn't happen again. Be prepared that now she may not know how to tell you what she wants. Be prepared that once things start to become more physical she may rebel some and become very ANGRY. This is all normal. As you are, listen to her. VAlidate her feelings. Not being a doormat. But being the man of the home and realizing that EVERYONE's feelings count. She may have wise words of wisdom about taking a 6 month leave. If that's what it takes to save your marriage, it is worth praying over together. I am very encouraged for you, Lovely, and your family. Good work faithful servant. Realize too that honestly, the hard part is on the wife in forgiving the wounds to her soul...AND for trying to trust again. It is very very scary. You know that I have been critical of her past decisions...so in telling you to be easy with her...I mean it from my very spirit. I feel that things are turning. You are following Christ and He will not steer us wrong when we seek Him first. Keep us posted!!

Bless you dear lady. I too resonate very much with this ministry. I found myself in an emotional affair...and I am the last person who anyone would ever vote as a cheater. It doesn't change my choices or my responsibility for what I did...however, my husband did lead me right to this choice (of which I partook) because he just did not want to love me either emotionally or physically. I will be praying for you. Stick around her and read, read, read. You will be blessed beyond measure just reading others' stories...and from whence God has brought them. Know that NO MATTER WHAT...God loves you and will take care of you.

Been praying for you. Had you and your family on my spirit to lift up today in prayer. Hope things are going well.

Just popped in to get up to speed. My husband did the not talk to anyone routine. Let me tell you something: when you do not let on that you notice or that the no-talking, no contact bothers you....it loses it's power for him. You and your children walk as though that is normal and does not affect you...and you'll notice a change. (Not criticizing you. I learned this firsthand when I was actually glad for a change that he wasn't talking to me ) Going back to school: let me encourage you to check into the medical coding thing a bit more. My sister in law invested money & time into this...thinking it would be a great move...and she could not get hired. The schools around here and TV were toting it as the next big job move...and she never used it. Eventually went back for something else, and used it. I was very stunned when she couldn't get a job...and it wasn't for lack of skills, references, or her interview. When we talked to medical office personnel, all the billing is done by computer, DRs code the appts either on the patient sheet or a computer now in exam room....and then it's secretarial duties to push buttons to electronically file. You might be better off asking to talk to people that have graduated this program and are working...to see if they can actually produce lists of people that have found employment with this skill...and what companies employ the people thru this program. I don't say this to be a bummer....we support and encourage our sisters here...and even not knowing you...I want you to succeed...and this may be great...just want you to do some more checking in case you need to look into different area. I am so encouraged that you are getting to make a trip and visit your daughter. Women can be very creative in getting things together when we need to....you have survived this marriage, so I know you have it in you to survive the next stage. If he puts the house on the market, so be it. Let's pray in agreement about it...and we'll leave the rest to God. If your husband wants out, let him out. Don't show any resistance...BUT you start making your plans now. Look at your finances. Start thinking where you and the kids might live. VERY DISCREETLy, talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row...so if/when need be, you are ready and not a deer in headlights. Do not be scared that he could take a low-paying job. He'll have equity money (his share) that you can get too if he's not working at the same way at time of divorce. Usually, if you file, everything is frozen anyway. Get yourself a separate bank account at a different bank that he does not know of. Do not get anything mailed to your home. Be ready to have your money put somewhere if you get any (considering if the house sells.) Just throwing out future ideas. Lastly, his threats and behavior are his attempt to manipulate you into being scared that he's going to leave. Well, I had to finally get to a place that I told my husband...if you want to leave, there is the door. You leave. You tell your child that you don't want to be here. Be a man. Don't wait for me to throw you out. Walk out because you want to...not in using an excuse that it's me. He's trying to scare you into not going to Boston...who cares? If he decides to get out, OK. He's putting you on the defensive because in a way...we buy into their manipulation. We believe that I guess at least they're trying...when they're not. as he sees you take back the control of your life, his manipulations (and his fear) will increase...and he'll go into overdrive. Don't react if you can. It's almost like an animal...they can smell our fear. Truth is, when they act this way, they are being animals! I just purged every thought I had. Take what you need, and throw the rest!! I pray for each woman that I post. I will be keeping you in my prayers. THIS CAN GET BETTER. One way or the other. I needed to hear that...and I was able to relax in my own life when I realized I would be okay...whether we divorced or not. I have enough self-esteem that if someone doesn't want to be with me...then say it, and get out. But they are not going to take me down because they hate themselves deep down. I may not perfect...but I am God's daughter. I was made in His image....and I do not deserve or have to take abuse any longer!!! Love, blessings, and prayers to you today!

Thx!! Things are better daily. My heart is still in search & recovery. I say this to be honest and document progress. I do see the changes. We are able to calmly discuss those issues of selfishness that creep up occasionally. His mental state is good. His desire for a happy home is burning. We are blessed that he is heading this home. I choose commitment today to this marriage. Not a commitment to mediocre or abuse. i choose to acknowledge improvement and begin releasing wrong ideas and attitudes of defeat! Praise the Lord.

Saw your post. Welcome sister-friend! You will find a kinship here of women that love the Lord & have endured countless abuses at the hands of the men we betrothed our very lives to. There is comfort, guidance, and strength here. Read around as much as you can. That was the best learning experience for me outside of the books. Post when you can...and read, read, read. Will be lifting you in prayer!

Dear sweet sister, My heart aches in full pain reading the abuse, neglect, and dictatorship you have been subjected to...for your children as well. I have said a prayer for you as I was typing this. That for today, you will find kinship among this forum and in this ministry. For many of us, can always have written some part of the other woman's story. There is hope here...for in this ministry we are centered around Jesus...and in telling our stories...and in supporting one another with the most painful, horrible stories...and in getting Christian help. This place was a thirst of wonderful water in a dry, desolate land I was in when I found it. I will spend time in prayer today about your situation and let you know my thoughts at a later time. (Please don't take that to read that I saw many things you should do different...I just don't like to type anything specific to someone before I feel that I've spent time contemplating and in prayer about it ) God bless you today. I pray for peace for your heart, mind, and home. I pray that you will feel the arms of Christ Jesus around you today guiding your footsteps in this minefield. I pray protection over the hearts and minds of your children. I pray self-esteem, reflection, and guidance for them. Praise God you are on your way to healing your family. Glad you found us!

God bless you dear, lady. This place will be good for you as it has all of the ladies, including myself, who spend time here. Read, read, read. You will find a kinship you've never known here...all serving the Lord and repenting of our sin. Said a prayer for you today!

Been soo very busy at work with new responsibilities on top of existing ones. Together with the January blues...I find my mind wandering. I am, however, starting to feel very comfortable in my own skin. Honestly, some of that I think is from the work I've gone thru in my spiritual life, the weight loss several years back, and approaching 40 I don't feel so nervous about life and what others think. (There's alot of that still there...but a God-given confidence is coming thru that I didn't feel before.) Still doing very well on the home front. I am encouraged....God has wonderful things in store for us in 2010!!