Rebuilding Trust

Andrew, you need to call Joel and sign back up for the men's call

LT pretty much said everything that I wanted to say after reading your last post, but let me just point you to my thread. I too struggled with control and I agree with what Looney is saying about learning to control our own actions, instead of trying to control the circumstances. Trust me brother, the circumstances in front of us are not within our control, they are what they are often as a result of your past actions. The opportunity lies in the present, in that moment in time when you choose to not pick up that phone, to not question her motives, to just love her unconditionally. When you do that, when you do it consistently, that is where her healing will come from. Not just for her but for you too. It amazes me how through this walk, the more I bless my wife, the more blessed I feel too! You say you love your wife, but you love her with a conditional love. Don't question me on that, it shows right through in your actions. It is not your fault. No one ever taught us what loving our wives as Christ loved the church looks like. Trust me, I know because I too started out that way. Do you have somewhere better to be, something better to do than to be here right now laying down your life for your bride? You act as if you do. You act as if your just looking for an excuse to end this so you can move on with your life. Keeping control is the only thing keeping you in the relationship, not your unconditional love for your wife - time to change that brother......... You can do this, you just have to choose your actions and your responses based on that choice and not based on your emotions...... Got it?

She still does not feel 100% safe with you yet, that takes time. You need to just love her unconditionally, stop questioning her motives, this is how you will overcome your control issues......

I love Timothy's explanation. The things you shared are things that GOD would have you work on, with or without your wife. Take this opportunity to get your life in order, to become the man the God has called you to be. This is what your wife needs to see - this is who your wife wants to love.

Hang in there William, do not make any rash decisions. What ponyboy3399 said is the truth, read my thread too. My kids left with their mom and ended up living with the other guy but it did not take too long for them to end up back with me. Remember, up to this point this has just been an affair. Once they start living together, true colors will start to come out, so just give this some time. In the meantime, work on YOU becoming a Christlike man. Love your wife with AGAPE love, unconditionally. The rest will work itself out and the great news is that no matter what happens, if you do this, you'll be ok no matter what the outcome and so will your girls......

I know this will be hard to swallow but please listen! What I am sensing here is that you are not walking in AGAPE LOVE. You are doing these acts of kindness looking for some kind of positive response or validation that there is still a glimmer of hope that she may still be available. STOP IT-STOP IT-STOP IT!!!! Agape love is unconditional love. It is a choice we make to love another person whether they love us back or not. It means that you choose to love someone even if they are your enemy! Agape love is not based on emotion at all. In fact, it may be contrary to our every emotion. It is an act of the will. I have been where you are at and I know how hard it is. The thoughts and feelings will come, but you have to MAN UP and not let them consume you. It does get easier when you turn them over to Christ and let HIM be your source of life and strength instead of her.

Both Charles and Timothy said it all - Shine Brightly for Christ to your wife.

Yes and Yes and Yes You should try to figure out what it is you are doing to make her feel this way but you need to do that by being observant, opening up your mind and your heart and by asking God to help you see what your missing - do not go to her and ask - she is already giving you everything you need to figure it out with God's help! Maybe it is easier for her to believe the worst in you to justify her leaving the marriage but remember, even if that is true, it was your actions that pushed her to leave the marriage (she did not make this stuff up)! And yes, if you will walk this out and be consistent, she will eventually notice you are genuinely changing. Just remember, you are not changing to win her heart back, you are changing to become the man that God created you to be. If you make it about winning her back, you will not be able to do this - you have to make it about being Christlike, period.....

I don't have a lot of time but just a couple of quick thoughts William.... Remember, it was you that abandoned her first! Maybe not physically, but emotionally and spiritually.... Watch you thoughts, take them captive, your still making this about you and not her...... I am glad that you picked this up Tim asked me somewhere along my walk if I realized that my wife could be happier with the other guy, could I let her go and be happy for her? I had to really think about it but yeah I said. He explained to me how that is what AGAPE LOVE looks like.... So with that said, your mission is to be the best YOU you can be regardless of what she does or does not do. True AGAPE LOVE will be unconditional and unfailing and will not expect anything back in return.

Just wanted to check in and say HI. S is still in Arkansas until late August early September. I sure am missing her a lot but know she needs this time away from everything here as well as the time helping take care of her granny. Life is good and my trust and faith is in God! She is getting to do a lot of camping and fishing there in Arkansas and seems to be having fun. My daughter is going to visit in late July into August but has to be back for school by Aug 14th. She is really looking forward to it as they have some very fun activities planned which may include a trip into Texas to see her real dad and possibly her brother...

Please take some time to read my thread. If you learn nothing else from reading it, learn that what Looney said "The other guy will show his true colors eventually. Your job is to stay friends so that she'll let you catch her when she falls." If you truly AGAPE LOVE your wife, you will allow her to work this out in her way, her timing. Your job is nothing more than to become a Christlike man, period..........

Wow Looney, what a great analogy and example - thanks! I see how in the past I resented my wife or made her feel stupid when she had a need or problem. She may not have even wanted me to ride in on my white horse and slay the dragon or the spider - although there are times when that is appropriate, sometimes, all she needed was for me to listen and be there for her so she could work through it on her own. Instead, I picked it apart or questioned her motives. What a fool I was to not see and understand that she was coming to me, to me ....... Lord help me get this right next time the opportunity presents itself!

In a nut shell, what I'm thinking after reading through these posts for the first time today, is KISS (KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID)! Your wife has made it crystal clear that she does not want to hear about how you have changed, or that you are pursuing her, or any of that. ACTIONS speak so much loader than words (verbally or written). You will be so much more blessed by just saying yes or thank you or I understand than attempting to give a longer response or explanation. It is obvious from reading your thread that you tend to go that. Try the KISS approach and watch what happens. Remember, your words mean nothing but your actions speak volumes...... Above all, my brothers, do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. Let your "Yes" be yes, and your "No," no, or you will be condemned. - Matt 5:37

Great, but why is is taking you so long? Looney said to read through it quickly, like a story. To not analyze and take notes, so it shouldn't take more than a few days. That was on May 25th? We are all patiently waiting for you to get through that step so we can Wow, talk about throwing your wife under the bus! You just tried to convince all of us that your wife is the problem. Your wife did not leave you for no reason nor did she marry you to make your life miserable. She is attempting to communicate to you but you are not listening, instead you are defending and justifying. I remember how I felt after my wife left me. I suddenly became fully aware of how much I loved her and all the things I started doing to show her my love and commitment and thinking why doesn't she notice. Dude, think about it! If you had been doing those things for her before the marriage fell apart, you wouldn't be here. Too little, too late.... What you need to do is dig in deep, through the pain, and figure out what the things in you are that drove her away. Those are the things that you have to fix/resolve. Not to win her back, but to become a Christlike man. Trust me when I tell you that - it took me too long to figure that one out myself. I too felt like my wife was putting thoughts and words in my mouth. How could she feel that way and how could she see that in me? Truth be told, once I allowed my defenses to drop and really internalized what she was saying, she was SPOT ON! You see, God designed our wives to be our helpmeets (remember that from the book). I am amazed just how true that concept is, GOD does not mess around. So please, reread your last post and see how you are not being open to what your wife is saying and pointing out to you. If you look into the mirror (your wife) and see you have a dirty face, do you wipe off the mirror or do you wipe off your face? Brother, you need to go read through all of Micheal's thread like yesterday. Once you have done that come back here and we will continue to help you grow into the Christlike Man that your bride is looking for.

On a men's call a few weeks ago, I shared how I realized that my wife has not fully committed to coming back to me because I have not truly AGAPE loved her. There have been points along the way of this walk that were pivotal moments where S says that she was turning back towards me but then I would get impatient, needy and not trust her words because I was too busy looking at her actions. Looking back, I always told myself that if she would just get rid of COY, then those feelings would go away and we would live happily ever after. I realize now that COY was never the problem. S did not leave me for COY, she left me because I was an abusive, self centered, manipulative jerk that constantly questioned her and made her feel inferior to me. COY was just a guy that made her feel loved and adored. Walking this out and learning to love S has been an incredible walk and I would not change it for anything. I just wish that I had understood sooner in my heart that winning S back was not goal. The goal was and always will be to become a Christlike Man. I have found that when I focus on winning S back instead of being Christlike, that I get impatient when she doesn't respond soon enough or when she doesn't respond the way I think she should respond. That causes me to become a RESPONDER and not an INITIATOR and it never works out. In fact, it does just the opposite of winning her back, it pushes her farther away because she sees right through it. Guys, our job is to be initiators. Our wives are our mirrors and therefore the responders. We cannot wait until we have our wives back to make changes, we have to make changes now. There is always going to be an excuse as to why we can't BUT those are just lies from the devil himself! If we don't change it is because we won't change (choice)! For me, my excuse was always been the other guy. It was so unfair, so wrong, and it hurt so bad - I would justify to myself that it was ok to take a day off, to feel sorry for myself. Yes, I knew that my wife was only in the affair because I pushed her there through my past abuse but I would think to myself, look at me now. I recently heard on one of the conference calls how about 48% of men who go through a separation or divorce end up in ruin. Rather that change, they self focus and go into a tail spin. They end of getting fired from their jobs, getting into affairs and ending up way worst off than they were when they were with their wives. These same men usually have great remorse and regret that they didn't do what it took when they had the chance to save their marriages. What I am trying to say here is that sooner or later, we have to change. So are you going to take the long road or the short road? Me, I'm getting off the long road. I am going to wake up each day with focus and purpose and I am going to become the best me I can be. Do I want to win my wife back? Absolutely, but I don’t want to win her back so I can lose her again because I have not changed the things that pushed her away to begin with. Lord, help me have ears to hear her and the mind to listen to what I hear and the desire to put it into action!

I am having a struggle. Today I defended myself, trying to explain and justifying myself when my wife pointed out to me that I questioned her. I so thought I could get past doing that by now. My wife then ended the conversation and I went on to send more texts apologizing at which point she pointed out to me that when she said she told me she was done talking, I should have just told her that I loved her and would talk to her again when she was ready. At that point, I stopped, told her that I loved her and that I would talk to her again when she was ready. She sent back a kiss and I sent one back but I left her stressed... Why am I so quick to question my wife? It is obvious to me now that I did this to S our whole marriage. In the beginning, she was just gracious enough to ignore it. Then, she got to the point where she just didn't want to argue and shut down. Eventually, she couldn't take it no more and she ultimately left me. My wife is so hurt and wounded by all those years of abuse, that everything hits her like a ton of bricks. I caused that, I put her in that place. I know that in time, we can work through this. My wife deserves to have a man that loves and cherishes her and trusts her with all of his heart. When she says that the wall is PINK and I see BLUE, the wall is PINK darn it - who cares. I know at the end of the day being right does not matter to me, my wife being happy is what makes me happiest.....

Joel, I don't want it too seem like I am being argumentative, I am with you on this, I decided that moving is the best thing and I have been trying to convince S that we should move. Perfect timing in between my daughters 8th grade year and 9th grade year, besides the fact that we home school. Yes, grandma and the kids really do not want to move either, but S insists that she does not want to move to Arkansas permanently (just visit). I told her to tell me a place she would move to and she said no, she does not want to move and told me to drop it.....

I will talk to you about it on the MENS CALL or HELPERS CALL tonight....... I understand that the J&K 101 teaches to move the 500 miles away, but if my wife is not in the ministry and she refuses to move. Yes, in a perfect world moving would be the best thing, I totally agree and I am ready, able and willing......... But if she is not willing, seems like I only have two options. 1) Continue to pursue her and love her unconditionally and trust that with God "ALL THINGS" are possible or 2) Give her an ultimatum and be prepared to walk away if she refuses to move The choice sounds pretty obvious to me? Yes, in a perfect world moving would be the best thing, I totally agree and I am ready, able and willing.........

JOEL There is a chance that COY is moving to Alaska. I guess his real dad is a commercial fisherman up there and has offered him a job. Michelle says that he is talking about moving but I won't believe it until I see it. I haven't wanted to say anything because I didn't want to jinx it (not that I believe in that). But that would be such a blessing if he would move and be gone before S gets back in August. I am also looking at possibilities of me transferring to another center. The kids and S's mom, that lives with us, DO NOT want to move. So if COY where to move, that would be an awesome answer to prayer.....

Hey Tim, I will graduate in early Sept with my Bachelors Degree (Sept 6th I believe), starting my last two classes next week then no more homework/school after that (yipee)! So, ClearSky for project after that!

This last week has been awesome. S and I are really getting along well and spending some great quality time together, healing and growing I believe - BUT........ My wife is going back to Arkansas for the summer. She is leaving on Monday, June 3rd and will return in late August. Her main reason for going back for the summer is so that she can spend some quality time with her grandma and help take care of her. Grandma is getting worst by the day with alzheimers and has had three strokes and may not be around much longer. Today, S is one of the only people that grandma remembers and she responds to her so well. But she also admits that she needs some time away to heal. The relationship with Coy came to an end in a very bad way. It looks like he is going to get evicted and end up homeless again. She wants to be as far away as possible when that happens and I think I agree that is a good thing! In my heart of hearts, I want S to go and be with her grandma and family in Arkansas because I totally know how important it is too her. When we were married, the was never enough money for her to go visit and she resents me for that today. I also know, from what I have learned from this ministry that S has not really had time to heal from our seperation and from all that has happened. When she left me, she was already in an affair with someone. Then, she got into the relationship with Coy right away. She has never really had any time on just her own to really heal and figure this all out. I'm hoping that her taking this time will allow her to heal and find herself again. It is going to be a very very long two and half months without her. That is very hard to swallow as I was convinced that once COY was out of the picture that we would be back together and on our way to an OHM almost instantly! If you read through my thread, we always seemed to be right on the cusp of complete reconciliation. I am choosing to believe this is not the end but just the beginning. Two and a half months in nothing compared to the last two and a half years (see the connection there, twenty two and a half years of marriage, two and a half years of seperation and now two and a half months of healing) - do you see GOD there! I'm believing God will draw her back to me, heal her heart and ultimately bring us into an OHM. I am just going to need to be patient and let God do it in Him timing, not my timing. I think that for the very first time in this walk I started two and half years ago, I am truly ready to place my my marriage in God's hands once and for all. I tried in the past to give it over to God, but I would reach in and take it back. Now that S is out of adultry, I have to lay down my life for her no matter what, there are no more excuses...... Praise be to God!

WOW TIM, thanks for sharing that - there is no fear in that affirmation, just faith!

WOW- that was so well said and so true - dying to yourself is a balance! We must first understand who we are in Christ and allow let Him be our source of life and strength so that in return, we can then be that source for our wives. If we try to die in our own strength, we will surely fail, but through Christ, we can do all things...... Every time in my journey that I would step out of God's strength and back into my own, I would stumble, sometimes pretty darn hard.......

So the last few days have been pretty awesome, not perfect, but pretty awesome! It is so good to have S home and engaged in our family again. Her emotions are sometimes up and down but I'm thankful that they are coming back up more quickly these days and they are not keeping her down. I am also finding that if I'm patient with her, if I don't take things personally, if I die to my own expectations/needs and just keep on loving her unconditionally that eventually when she is ready, she pulls a little bit closer it seems! What I am afraid has happened several times over this journey is that when she starts feeling safe, I do something that scares her back into her protection mode which up until recently was Coy's arms. What I mean is that as she would start feelings safe and I would sense us getting closer and my expectations would rise up and I would get needy and suck that trust right out of her (ie: asking her take Coy off her facebook, asking her to be home more, putting a GPS device on her car, getting upset if she didn't want sex) - . She doesn't need a needy man, she needs a man that is full of Christ's love, full of life and full of strength. Don't get me wrong, I have done just that for periods of time during this journey very successfully. But in looking back now, I also see now how I would gradually change my focus from her back to me. Self focus is not what Christ did when he went to the cross for His bride, in the garden His prayer was not my will, but your will be done. Lord, help me have that heart! Last night was my daughter's 8th grade graduation. Let me tell you that the last two years of junior high have been a challenge and I am so thankful that we made it to graduation. My wife home schooled (via a home school charter program) my son all the way through high school and my daughter all the way through 6th grade. When we split up and the kids ended back with me, I took on the home school dad roll with my daughter. As I said, that was a challenge as I worked full time and for a good portion of that two plus years of separation, I also helped S with her newspaper job each night so that she could support herself. I do not tell you this to toot my own horn, I just tell you this because I want all the other guys out there that are struggling through those times to understand that it is soooooo worth it! So last night, at graduation, they asked all the parents that where responsible for their child's education to stand up and be recognized. I didn't stand up, guess I was expecting S too or maybe both of us too. S whispered in my ear and told me to stand up and be proud, that these last two years was all me. I later reminded her that the first 6 years for her and all the years for B where all her. It was a very intimate moment.... Lots more to tell, but gotta get back to work for now - God bless!

S is at the airport getting ready to head home, I am so excited. She is still an emotional bomb, up and down up and down but I am excited that she is one her way home. She says she is afraid of trusting me 100% still and I understand how hard that must be for her. Coy was her backup plan, a place to fall back to if my old self comes back, and now she is feeling a little trapped I'm afraid. All I know to do for her at this point is just be there for her. Be a safe place and a source of life. I'm the responsible one, the tasker, the fixer! I jump through hoops to get her what she needs, to make sure the bills are paid, the house has what it needs, to bail her out of things and I jumped through hoops to get her to Arkansas because I knew how important this was for her. Coy was the one meeting her emotional needs. There is no doubt that he was a bum, a user and a druggy but the guy was so much fun for S to be around and that was what she was craving. I have to do my best from this point forward to be FUN for her. To not be heavy/serious in my natural melancholy tendencies. Right now I need to make sure that she is stress free, relaxed and not missing those things from him. Ladies, I'm open to suggestions on way to be that guy for her????? As of right now, we have a great date planned for this coming Saturday night - she says she can not wait.......