ChooseLove
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Thanks TP. Yes I am seeing that more and more. I sometimes feel like I am on a balance beam and fall off, only to get up again and keep doing the best I can as I learn more about how to adjust my technique, that is living out Ephesians 5:25. -
Thank you all for your words today, it has really helped me. I see what a selfish man I am and continue to be. I have not totally given up my own selfish desires and keep seeking them out at her expense. I need to change the direction of my hope in connecting with her in this way as you identified MaryJane - it is not as easy to do as I would like. Each day I get the opportunity to choose life or death, and I choose life in living out as Christlike a life as I can to bless my wife and family, so I know this can be done! Last night my wife slept on the couch for the first time since we shared a bed again without saying good night to me. She went straight downstairs right after putting our son to bed so she would not have to interact with me. It is obvious I am crowding her and not laying down my life down for her. I need to continue backing off physical touch as I initiated snuggling with her the other morning which she did not appreciate, again my own desire coming out. When I came downstairs after snuggling my son in our bed I smiled and brought her water glass to her keeping things positive and light. I read James 5 this morning, particularly verses 7-11 about perseverance and waiting on the Lord which also reinforced what you have shared Tony. I know the Lord will meet my needs and most likely not in the way that I expect! Again, I really appreciate the words shared today.
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Glad you found that helpful. It is something I have come to learn overtime. Also in reading Maximized Manhood it was shared how a wife typically wants the FINE PRINT and not the HEADLINES we men so often offer up. My wife wants meaningful conversation and not idle chit chat - get to the meat of the conversation and don't beat around the bush! I still struggle at times with this. I realize this is an area I can live in better understanding with my wife.
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Thanks Tony. I know you have been there. As I lay down my life seeking this change I am so DRAWN to my wife. It is an incredible feeling, however it is hard when she does not respond as warmly as I would like, I realize I need to check my own expectations. I normally catch myself quickly and make sure to stop as you noted and seek out the Lord. Yes I am digging deeper every day. I do pray about sharing more about my hopes and dreams for us and our family. I want to share as she is my closest friend and confidant. I get excited about connecting with her on a deeper level in due time. I recognize what you are saying about a desperation for validation and that intention really needs to be measured. I truly appreciate your encouraging words, particularly as you are reunited with your own wife.
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Thanks 4evr. I recognize the tendency to dump. Yes I reached out in prayer and read the Word last night and this morning taking it to God. I turned to the forums as well as another positive outlet. This morning I was able to share a bit with my wife, similar to what I wrote last night. I knew she was tired last night and did not have the energy to "work" with me. In her words I am a lot of work after putting the kids to bed. I find that I want to share more with her and that can turn into dumping as in the past I would hardly talk with her about what is going on in my life and what I am thinking about. I did ask that she share any promptings from the Lord as she studies the Word and be open to sharing those insights with me. I don't want to task her with work, but rather encourage her to share what God puts upon her heart to help guide me as a husband and father.
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Thanks Cindy. This is a good reminder for me as well. Yes feelings just are. I know I have read into them way too many times to count instead of just loving her where she is at and providing her the time and space she needed.
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Amen indeed. Praise the Lord for this marriage restoration!
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Life in the Looney Bin!
ChooseLove replied to Looney_Tunes's topic in The Other Side of the Fork in the Road
Just prayed Cindy. Peace of the Lord be with you and Jesse. -
Feeling lonely/disconnected from my wife tonight. Earlier today she hurt her knee and has been in some pain. I wanted to share with my wife more about my day, but she was visibly frustrated by me and did NOT want to talk or answer any of my questions, which I realize is an indirect way I seek attention. I reiterated she did not have to talk with me and to rest just before bed and kissed her arm good night wishing her well before going downstairs to read. It is hard to see her hurting this way and expressing how uncomfortable she is around me. I want her to be relaxed and at ease around me and in our home. Today I found out my niece is sick which may affect my sister from visiting us next week whom I have not seen since August 2012. I talked with my sister today which is good and I prayed with her and later just with the kids at bedtime tonight. Additionally I have a number of pressures at work I wanted my wife's input on. I am praying about all the responsibilities I am currently facing at work. I believe that stress of work is something she is picking-up on even though I have sought to hold it back from affecting her and the kids. I miss doing devotions just with her and praying together. I really long for that time and intimacy sharing in fellowship together, just my wife and I. I am also praying about a weekly family dinner, which I would like to prepare and have us all together. We don't normally eat dinner together as a family as I get home later from work around 6 or 6:30. I don't want to go overboard with a detailed family meeting, but I do feel it may be good to set-up regular weekly meal time. I have come to really look forward to our weekly dates and want to create something similar for the entire family. I welcome your input on these ideas. Good news is I was able to spend some good quality time with our kids (teaching them how to ride and bike and scooter) and put them both to bed tonight when I got home from work. My daughter even helped me put her bed together! As I write this tonight I realize that Christ has only just begun to mold me into a new man. I am committed to continuing on the journey and know that as I become more Christlike and embrace manhood I will be in a better place. Even as I acknowledge my loneliness, I realize that it is an opportunity to come to God and be in a deeper relationship with Him as I need to fully rely on Him to meet my needs.
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Under the Shadow of the Almighty
ChooseLove replied to 4evrHZdtr3's topic in The Other Side of the Fork in the Road
Congratulations 4evr. It is indeed encouraging to see what you can accomplish when you are obedient to God. Keep up the great week. May the peace of the Lord be with you. -
This blessed me today as well. Thanks 4evr.
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Under the Shadow of the Almighty
ChooseLove replied to 4evrHZdtr3's topic in The Other Side of the Fork in the Road
You both have blessed me. I am thankful for all you do here. My wife even shared with me last night she appreciates what the helpers are sharing with me. -
Happy Friday all. I had a good evening with the kids last night taking them out to eat and ended up getting them both new shoes as well. My wife was able to get out with a girlfriend for the evening. We talked briefly last night about the forums and at one point she did not want me sharing anything more about her, but she did note she thought the responses I was receiving from the helpers was good and she is OK with me continuing to post. I am thankful she has visit the forums from time to time and hopeful one day she may start her own thread, but I did not push that. We also talked about our date for tomorrow. There is a nice steak restaurant we have not been to in awhile and planning a game of bowling as well. It was good getting on both men's calls this week and I see as I stay engaged, reading, interacting on the forums and calls I continue to change, feeling more confident about my walk with the Lord and where our marriage is headed. Thanks again helpers for all your guidance. Have a wonderful weekend.
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Yes I am so glad to have met Erik here. Be sure to pick-up his new book at http://www.amazon.com/21-Days-Save-Family-Ephesians-ebook/dp/B00JCZTMR6/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1400259598&sr=8-3&keywords=erik+matlock. It is a very good read - one I plan on revisiting.
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Yes I stand convicted here as well. I am learning to love my wife in the way SHE appreciates and letting those selfish tendencies die in myself.
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Yes Cindy - I have definitely been guilty of that. It has driven my wife crazy! I now put myself in a place of understanding her (1 Peter 3:7) and not reacting, taking the hit so to speak, for my wife. It was harder at first but the more often I do it and stay engaged the easier it gets. I have found it invigorating to man-up if you will and not go to the mopey, passive guy place of the past. Furthermore fear and bitterness evaporate as well, as the love of Christ fills my heart and I pursue my wife as lovingly and completely as I can without waiting for her to respond.
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Good reminder from another thread. Thanks MaryJane. You really need to get that LOVER apology down pat. L -- Listen to your wife O -- Offer an apology V -- Validate her feelings E -- Embrace her if she will allow it R -- Repent That's it in brief.
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Today I wanted to share a couple more resources I have been reading or have been recommended to me by Joel or helpers on the forum... The Art of Manliness blog at http://www.artofmanliness.com/. Great articles on many different areas where we can embrace our manhood.Maximized Manhood by Cole Edwin - on Amazon.com here. Please note he uses the term Spiritual Leader and that is something not used in this ministry, however it is spoken of similarity as source of life to our wives and family here. Do Yourself a Favor: Love Your Wife by Dr. H. Page Williams- on Amazon.com here. Similar to Cole Edwin above he uses some similar language regarding leadership, but if you truly view that in the context in which this ministry teaches it should further bless you as you lovingly pursue your wife.The Gospel According to Matthew DVD aka "The Laughing Jesus" starring Bruce Marchiano. This DVD portrays Jesus in an amazing light that we as men can seek to emulate.
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Thank you ladies. You a blessing me as well. These are both great reminders.
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Thanks MaryJane. Yes I am all in. This is where God needs me to be for sure. Real men persevere. Reading Mansfield's Book of Manly Men really inspired me of late as well. More than ever I have a desire to be a Christlike man, getting over myself and living for my wife and children. I am not giving up!
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Yes I did acknowledge her in an understanding way and yes I will be certain to read ahead next time. Thank you MaryJane.
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Needing to start again!
ChooseLove replied to sf16's topic in Ministry to men who are working to win their wife's heart back.
If you were a soldier on the battlefield and saw your brothers in battle would you sit by and not give it your all to fight side by side with them? I have seen men do great things despite their limitations. Read the book of Job and seek to have a faith like him. Those on this forum ARE encouraging you to man up! This is a time to you need to grab hold of God's supernatural strength. God WILL provide. He already has the victory. I just finished reading Mansfield's Book of Manly Men which I highly recommend if you are looking for further inspiration on being a Christlike man. I will leave you this quote... "Adversity toughens manhood, and the characteristics of the good or the great man is not that he has been exempt from the evils of life, but that he has surmounted them." - Patrick Henry (1891) -
I wanted to start a thread on sharing resources for men, particularly passive men, who did not have a strong upbringing as to how to live as a man, husband and father. I just finished Mansfield's Book of Manly Men and it really spoke to me as a 40 year old husband and father. It really reinforced many of the principles that are discussed here in this forum and in fact has a portion of the book that directly references Ephesians 5:25. In the book it also lists some recommend books, movies and quotes for manly men. I would be interested in hearing from other men whose marriages have been restored and how they have grown as Christlike men. I want to be a father who truly instills Christlike manhood in my own son. Thanks for sharing guys!
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Tough morning today. As part of the regular devotion I lead with the kids, currently doing Kids Can P.R.A.Y. on YouVersion Bible app, it covered John 8, the woman caught in sin who was to be stoned but was left untouched. There was a short video (reenactment) we watched on my phone and then read John *:4-11. We are on the 7th day of the study. I did not know the specific content of the devotion before we began, but it obviously bothered my wife. She was very short with me after we finished and left the room with a "bye" before I went to work. She did NOT want to be around me this morning. She appears to be hurt/upset based on the devotion content and it's message. I focused on me and talked with our kids about how I have hurt others and that I did not want to do that anymore (repenting) because we have a new life in Christ. I did not linger on the adultery side of the text as I knew that would only exacerbate the wound. I would welcome insight from the helpers on this turn of events. I have been intentionally backing off on the hugs and kisses per her instructions and staying positive with smiles and I see how that affects me in a good way as well. Right now I sense deep anger, bitterness and resentment from her. I know not to respond in kind and continue to bear that all in love. It is much easier to catch myself now and make a conscious choice to behave differently. I want her to know she has a strong, safe man who will see her through anything. It hurts to see her so distant, but my previous fears are subsiding. I will continue to love her where she is at and show her love. Please pray for us today. Thank you dear friends in Christ.
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Another good response on the forums from Rebuilding Trust. I see that is where I am headed more and more each day. I am in the process of being that man.