ChooseLove

Faith Tabernacle http://ft111.com May 8, 2014 SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by MARSHA BURNS: So much has changed that you wonder where you stand, and the enemy will try to exploit this position with an identity crisis and lies. You must find your identity in Me by drawing closer. You are entering a new season in which I will use you and establish you in ways you have not considered. Let Me bring your true, eternal identity to the forefront. Find your security in your unshakable relationship with Me, says the Lord. Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Read this today and it really blessed me. I was trying to explain this process to my wife last night. Each day I see a little bit more of my old self slough off while at the same time see areas that still need to be pruned and stop from re-sprouting. I know it is in God's time that he takes me through this journey and that as I am obedient to Him I will be exactly where he needs me to be. This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!

Read this on the forum today and it reminded me of how I do the same thing... This is a key insight in that just because I have negative feelings with an interaction with my wife, it is not necessarily up to her to address those. It starts with me first in recognizing what causes those. I too have blown things up and caused my own wife to work on the issue that is really mine to fix. It is so helpful to read about other wives experiences as it helps me to further understand how I have hurt my bride and why she is so wounded and tired from carrying me all these years. The good news is I see the change and I am actually changing to bring her healing in this area. For me it started with 20 smiles, changing my attitude, and making a mental decision to no longer continue with my abusive ways.

Thanks Palmer. I not only want change, I am making it happen thanks to God's grace in providing me my wife and family. I recommend reading Erik Matlock's new book as well. Check it out at http://www.amazon.com/21-Days-Save-Family-Ephesians-ebook/dp/B00JCZTMR6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1399481141&sr=8-1&keywords=21+days+to+save+my+family. Each day is a new opportunity to learn about my wife and love her in an understanding way. It is my mission to become a true man of God and cast off my selfish ways, winning my wife's heart back. This year we are coming up on our 9th anniversary. It is my aim to have many, many more and truly have an outrageously happy marriage. I have learned a lot through the books, forums and phone calls and praise God that I can take action accordingly. God is amazing and can accomplish a great many things through his faithful and obedient children.

Amen! Go Jesse.

Thanks MaryJane. I am indeed hopeful. It is good to hear your feedback, particularly the EMOTIONAL EXHAUSTION I have caused. I know that I have caused her to be a person at times she does not like/want to be (e.g., aggressive, yelling, upset, angry). I truly have drained the fun, joy and life out of our marriage, but thankful I see that now and I continue to work to put that back in one day at a time. I am already excited about planning our next date on Saturday afternoon/evening.

HI MaryJane - smiles are the place where I started when I found the ministry and I still do that. She is open to holding hands and some hugs and kisses, but not snuggling or crowding her space. I also need to parse out the compliments better as well. They are easy for me to give because I truly believe them, however she takes it as more rote response. Her primary love language is quality time and gifts. Mine is physical touch and words of affirmation so we are quite different in that way. I believe because that is what I crave and I am not receiving it from her as much that I then push it back on her. I need to do better a reading her and giving her the space she needs to heal and truly loving her where she is at in an understanding way.

Weekend update Friday night started with a family dinner out. My wife craved some salmon so I suggested a local fish place we headed out to. All went pretty well with the exception of our car battery dying. Fortunately we have AAA and got everything taken care of without too much drama. Overall a good evening. We had a nice date for breakfast and local museum on Saturday. Later in the day I watched the kids taking them to the pool and later frozen yogurt for picking up the house including their own rooms. My wife need to rest as she has not felt good for days based on food she ate. Sunday I took the kids to church and my wife came separately. She went to see her Mom and sister for shopping for a few hours after church. I was able to watch the kids again, taking them to lunch and Toys R Us for a little afternoon outing as well as play at home on Star Wars day (May the Fourth). Again when my wife got home I wanted to have her rest as she was still not feeling 100%, so I picked-up dinner for her and also did the grocery shopping that night. The big discussion that came out last evening is that I STILL was not listening to her in the area of physical touch. I recognize that I have pushed her in an effort to initiate hugs and kisses, but I am realizing it is more to meet my need then her's. She is not in a place to take on that much physical attention. I have made a point of kissing or touching her too often and need to back off and do a better job of gauging at where she is at. My pendulum swings too far one way or another as in the past I would pull away completely and don't want to do that. It is up to ME to recognize where she is at. I started to put it back on her last night, which made it even harder on her. I need to pay attention to where she is at and not plow ahead. This is an area of particular focus for me right now. She has stated if I would have listened to her when she first asked I would be in a better place and it is doing more harm then good right now. She does not know how else to explain it to me as she has repeated her self too much. I validated her feelings and know that this something that I will continue to work out here and on the calls. Thanks for your input all.

Amen!

Have you checked out Temperament Testing at http://www.ephesians525.org/temperaments/? Also, if you really suspect mental health is a real issue I would get checked out by a psychiatrist for a proper assessment. There are times we all need help, and depending on the severity it may involve some type of medication. Don't try and figure it out all on your own, get professional help.

Awesome! Yes, thinking about WHY is important. I just read a passage from Super Brain The Handbook on being loving and lovable that really struck me... "All retraining requires that you stop doing what doesn't work. If you simply stop, that is a step forward,. But also add to the new pathway. Be someone who is worth of love [i am in Christ]. A smile, a kind word, any act of bonding - these small daily things tell other people that you care. Most of love isn't romantic. It's an expression of a warm heart, and the one thing that every warm-hearted person does is care. Instead of worrying if you will ever find the right one to love you be the right one. The more you express love, the more your higher brain will automatically react in loving ways." I believe why I am feeling this way is a response to the affairs, but in reality whether my wife chooses to love me or not, I have been chosen by God and he is the true light unto my path as your verses reinforced. It is God who defines me and I believe I sometimes get caught up in believing relationships define me, in particular my wife and children. My identity is in Christ and that is where I need to abide, not leaning on my own understanding. I am grateful that I get to share God's love with the world and learn more about His deep abiding love for me.

You are very perceptive. I would agree with you that fear does start to creep in and I need to combat it and not give in as I did in the past. I need to rely on God for my confidence. In the past my moods would be greatly subjective to how my wife responded to me. Now I know that she is reflective of what I put out and I seek to remain positive and encouraging. It is helpful as you as you put it to ask questions of her - "How is this working against you?" It sounds like my wife is similar to you in how it grates on her, me trying to not to make a mistake/being fearful. Changing my ways and becoming a new man through this ministry has challenged me and I am still adjusting to becoming comfortable with this new found self - that is what I am working on. Yes that is between me and God. I have found the Men's calls helpful and really calling on my band of brothers to sharpen each other. Again I am very thankful for your insights.

Proverbs 26:12 People who think they are wise when they are not are worse than fools. Yes that has been me and I still see at times I think more highly of myself. Last night my wife called me out as "needing" to connect while we were in the bedroom reading. I did acknowledge that I liked connecting with her, hence being in the same room reading together and being quiet (something I am still working on), however I acknowledged that she just wanted to read and be quiet. At one point she looked over at the clock and I mistakenly assumed she wanted to go to bed, of which I corrected myself. I believe she was fustrated with me about not being honesty with her or myself in wanting to connect. I did not want to push her to specifically talk with me. I made a few observations, such as praying with the kids, to which she noted my wanting to connect with her. While I would like to connect with her I was OK and not needy, which I confirmed with her, I left her to read for a bit while I tended to clean-up some items in the garage. I gave her a kiss on the forehead goodnight as she finished her reading and I went to bed. Unfortunately she has not been feeling well yesterday and is still on the mend today. I so want to bring her comfort as best I can and sometimes that just means space and time, not crowding her. I do long for deeper connection with her both spiritually (e.g., praying intently together), building on our friendship/companionship and of course physically. Through all this I know Christ will meet my needs and I should not be anxious about anything, rather respond to HIs direction in my life - love my wife and family to the utmost! Tomorrow I have a breakfast date lined-up for a new place to check out. It will be a great morning. Peace be with you all.

Great to hear about the date. I will not likely be on Saturday as we have a breakfast date lined-up. I look forward to hearing about how your date does on Saturday - make it great!

God bless you MaryJane. Yes we can do all things through Christ our Lord. Let's us not lean on our own understanding but return to the Lord for He is our rock!

Glad to hear it. Keep sharing what you have learned and how God is working in your life. I for one appreciate learning from others as I go through this journey.

Cindy I will be praying for your son that this gets addressed so he can be healed. God bless you and your family. Peace of the Lord be with you all.

So glad to read this thread today. What a testimony to this ministry. I am glad I have gotten the chance to talk with John and Susan on the Couple's Call. What a blessing!

I just wanted to take a moment to thank all the Helpers out there. I am so thankful that you would respond to God's calling in your life. I have been blessed and continue to be through this ministry. From the forums to the phone calls I have meet so many great people after God's heart. If your marriage has been restored through this ministry I would ask that you prayerfully consider being a helper and encouraging others. God bless you dear friends in Christ.

Bill we had a call last night. It would be great to have you join us. You are going in the right direction. This will take time, but if you are willing God will see you through it.

Glad to talk with you on the Men's call last night. You can check out my thread at http://joelandkathy.com/boards/index.php?/topic/7598-new-here-my-story-of-a-broken-marriage/. Bless your wife's socks off today!

Hi Palmer. Glad you were on the men's call last night. Yes I got on later and then talked with HisSon for a bit as well. Keep posting. You are getting some great feedback from the helpers. Listen up and then take the appropriate action. Be that Christlike man for your wife.

"I don't get you" says my wife to me this weekend. We were out on our weekly date and a few items precipitated out in which I am working to gain better perspective. Why do I stay in contact with so many people? Why would I reach out to those that appear to show indifference to me/us at best? Why send so many friend requests to her on a social media site? My ex-wife in the past? She thought a couple times about snuggling me, but did not because she is afraid I would take that as some kind of sign to overly invade her space. She has a personal space bubble that I have continued to violate (e.g., kiss at night before bed). She is unfriending others FB who don't interact or respond to her. We had our date time set-up for a week, however I did not remind her when she texted me she wanted to take our daughter to lunch after church. She was upset for a bit the rest of the day as she had "used" most of he calories already for the day. Emotional changes moment by moment and day by day. My thoughts are listed below: This is something that has always been a part of me for as long as I can remember. I am an extrovert by nature, so I believe that plays a part of it. Spiritual gifts of mine have been identified as administration and pastoring. I have a heart to reach out to people, but I realize it may be more in meeting my needs then theirs. In the particular case I mentioned sending a FB message to a couple we used to have Bible Study with in which I was reminded of their anniversary. Come to find out my wife unfriended both of them on FB awhile ago after one of them ignored the invitation to my son's birthday part (left the FB conversation). So as I reflect on this I believe by me reaching out to so many, seeking connection, I should be still and go to God first and see where he leads me. This one caught me a bit off guard, but I do admit I did send/click multiple requests. I don't remember sending them to my ex-wife previously, but obviously that came up in their discussion when they met-up. So what is the insecurity in me that caused that compulsion? Affirmation of a loved one? Me being controlling wanting a response? I would say probably the latter. More and more I am seeing my controlling behaviors and how they have harmed me and in turn my wife and family. I need to love her where she is at and let her respond in her own time and ways. I need to listen and take the appropriate action. Respond to her where she is at and not what I want from her. I encouraged her in that and told her that her FB wall is her own. It was good to validate and encourage her. I planned all the details although in the midst of being upset I had asked/verified with her 3 times different options to which she replied each time you decide! We ended up still going out and had a nice meal and saw God's Not Dead. I enjoyed holding her hand and being with just her for that time together yesterday evening. I believe I remember Looney_Tunes writing about this on the forum about how women's emotions can really shift. I acknowledged that with her and she appreciated that. I understand it is my job to love her where she is at. This is an area I have grown in quite a bit as in the past I would have shutdown or been deeply hurt by her response or lack there of to my actions.Today I got up earlier for work but was able to give a hug as a send off with some tea. Kids were all set as well as I headed off to work. I am glad that I can leave the home and know all were safely set-up for the day. I love my family so much.

Where are you today brother?

I am glad you are staying engaged here Mrs. E. I recommend starting your own thread in the women's forum. My wife tried to agape love me and when I was abusive and it did not work. I thought I was a pretty good guy, life long Christian, well-read, however I was a knucklehead just like Erik. It was not till I first read Ken Nair's book and found this ministry how selfish I truly was and still am in different ways (dying to self in process).

Amen brother. Heavenly father I pray that S will be safely home with Tony soon. Guard them both. In Jesus name I pray.