My Healing Snuck UP On Me..

[KathyandJoel]

It has been a long journey.and it took a while for the "actions" of this healing to take place,but it has and it will in your life as well.

 

 

Your healing will probably be quicker than mine, since you have information that we didn't have before. We struggled through this on our own,and it was hard.

 

 

There was a time in my life when I loved flowers and I always wanted Joel to buy me flowers, and of course, he would, only on His terms, when "HE " wanted to buy them for me. Not when I wanted them or needed them.

 

 

On one occassion while Joel was in the adultery, he decided to buy the "other Woman" some flowers.

 

 

Knowing he could not give them to her directly, he told her, "I have to give these to Kathy, but when you see them, you will know they were really for you." (surprising he is still alive, huh!)

 

 

Joel gave them to me, and I thought "Wow" these are beautiful, and their mine. Joel actually bought me flowers. I was so proud of these flowers, that I put there where everyone could see them. Right between our kitchen and livingroom. When I would pass them, I would stop and smell them.

 

 

After I found out about the adultery, and how he used the good in our relationship for the bad, I wanted nothing more to do with flowers. I wasn't really concious that I didn't like them. It's not like I thought, "I just won't like flowers anymore, " it just kind of happened.

 

 

Up until 2 years ago, I was still telling people (and not knowing really why) that I would rather have "fake" flowers that look real. Saying that, it's just who I am, Some women like real flowers and some don't, and I was one who didn't. I wouldn't plant flowers outside. I didn't have real flowers in my home. I would excuse it with "flowers die, give me something that will last, not realizing I was excusing it away.

 

 

NOW~ I have found myself not only buying flowers and loving them, but also planting flowers and other plants in my yard. Hey, I even went the extra mile and built an Island in my yard, with flowers.

 

 

I didn't even know what was happening. It just sorta happened.

 

 

Joel made a comment during one of our Intensives, that took me by surprise. He addressed the fact that "NOW, I love flowers, and that it was another moment of proof to my healing." When I heard him say that, I realized it was true.

 

 

My healing just snuck up on me, and I didn't even know it.

 

I just bought two more colorful plants (whatever they are, I just liked them) for the front of my house.

 

 

I mentioned to my mom the other day, something about planting flowers, and she said, "but Kathy, you don't like real flowers."

 

 

I replied with "I do now!" Why, because I am healed in that area. Your healing will come as you go down this journey. You will find yourself getting more and more free as you go along.

 

 

Remember this: When God Reveals, He Wants To Heal.

 

 

When a memory of something pops up in your mind, and you find yourself struggling with it, just relax and remember, "When God Reveals, He wants to Heal." It is time for that particular memory to get healed. You may find yourself saying, "oh, so this is why, I don't like this, or I do or don't do this. Now I understand."

 

 

Tell your husband about it, allow him the opportunity to stand in the gap for either what he or someone else did in your life, and pour the healing ointment onto the wound and help it heal.

 

 

My not liking flowers, was Joel's fault. When the memory had come to my mind, I had mentioned it to him, he apologized, and maybe several times, I don't remember right now. But, it was some time later (several years now) that the actual manifestation of the healing really started to reveal itself in my actions. Wow! I love my plants! I love my flowers, and guess what, I am very proud that I, Kathy Davisson, planted them all by myself, and they are LIVING` I do not have any dead flowers or plants in my yard.

 

 

Joel will tell you, plants did not survive in my home, even before the adultery, and when I would try to have a plant in my home after that, it would die.

 

 

My plants are alive and well.

 

 

There will be signs of your healing. You will begin to FEEL free. The weight will begin to come off your shoulder. You will begin to relax and start to enjoy life, enjoy marriage and your family in a much happier way. You will begin to enjoy things you thought you didn't like or enjoy doing.

 

 

God is soooo good and he wants us to be free and to enjoy life and life MORE abundantly!

 

 

Blessings to all, and to all a good night,

 

Kathy of Joel and Kathy

[essandtee]

That's wonderful! Thankyou Kathy.

[quiverof4]

So, I have been asked to post some ongoing emails between myself and Kathy here, regarding some things that her healing post stirred in me. This stuff is hard to share. It was easier with Kathy, but Kathy spent a lot of time ministering to me, and the hope is always that it's not just about me. We are here to help one another as well.

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Subject: "My healing snuck up on me"

 

 

Kathy,

I know you have an intesive coming, I am not sure when you may see this. I was reading what you wrote about your healing on the message boards. I felt like it was speaking to me on so many levels. I have told my husband the same thing. I have never let him get me flowers. I am still sorting out the whys on that, but I am very similar.

You said:

"When a memory of something pops up in your mind, and you find yourself struggling with it, just relax and remember, "When God Reveals, He wants to Heal." It is time for that particular memory to get healed. You may find yourself saying, "oh, so this is why, I don't like this, or I do or don't do this. Now I understand."

Tell your husband about it, allow him the opportunity to stand in the gap for either what he or someone else did in your life, and pour the healing ointment onto the wound and help it heal. "

God is walking me throught a lot of terrible memories and mindsets. They are getting triggered in the strangest ways...you'll recall my horrific rage reaction to some of Joel's words.

Yesterday I had a terrible day of triggered memories and I guess what I am battling is the idea that this stuff has absolutely NOTHING to do with my husband. He didn't do this stuff to me. I am really mad at myself for dwelling here. GET OVER IT, why don't you.

I have come to see that trusting men, because of the abuse, is going to be a long, hard battle for me. At my core, sometimes I HATE MEN.

You read in my email about how I remembered not only the sexual abuse, but how the WOMEN in our family found a way to blame the girls. Stand by the man...hurt the child.

Another huge battle I have in my life is being "soft" "Tender" "vulnerable". I don't let Steve comfort me. Even when things are good. I don't like hugs. If I am hurting, sometimes I will let him hug me briefly, but I NEED him to BACK OFF when I am hurting. I'll handle this. I go in a room, think about it, cry alone if I need to, process, GET OVER IT, and move on.

When I read of women who pursue men for this..."I need a hug, please" "I just need you to hold me" IT MAKES ME FEEL SICK.

So, here's the deal, what God has been revealing.

I have a hatred for showing weakness, especially to men.

I know why, but just am not convinced I can get over it.

My mother is a drunk. A desolate, desperate women. She wanted my dad when she was young, got him. Then she decided she wanted my dad's brother. The fact that they were both married did not stop them. She cheated with my uncle the whole time she was with my dad. Everyone had kids, then the divorces happened because Mother decided she really wanted my Uncle. Not long after my Uncle moved in with us, Mother decided she wanted dad. So, she was going back and forth between them again. My Uncle found out. He got drunk, and at the advice of ANOTHER brother, decided he was going to kill her. If he couldn't have her, no one would. He wasn't sharing.

He came home with a loaded revolver. Broke the door in. Pulled the phone off the hook. My mom's cousin was there with her 3 children, plus my siblings were there. Seven children witnessed him chasing my Mother with the gun, down the street. As he was chasing her, the cousin loaded all of us in a van to get us away. Mother had gotten away by then so he stood in front of the van and fired rounds at my cousin. Thank God she was not hit. She pulled away and he fired rounds into the back of the truck where the children were.

I was stuck. A single bullet went in one side of my left leg, all the way through, and out the other side, then into my right leg.

I was rushed to the hospital, treated for flesh wounds. No broken bones. I later had a skin graft because the wounds were so large they were not healing.

I was five years old and Mother wasn't there at the hospital. My dad wasn't there, he was at work. I was alone and I have remembered AT 5 YEARS OLD. I WOULD NOT CRY. It hurt so much, I still don't know what they were doing but it hurt. I WOULD NOT CRY. NO WAY.

What happens to a child in life that by 5 YEARS OLD, they already understand that. Don't cry. No one is coming. Suck it up. Deal with it. Don't be weak.

My Uncle went to jail, was charged with attempted murder, assault...he went to trial, got 15 years of probation. He walked out of jail......and right back into our home.

My mother is so weak, so DESOLATE, so DESPERATE for any crumb of attention she could get from a man, that she didn't even tell him to get lost. You hurt my baby. Get out.

He raised me. Oh, sure. He was sorry. He hardly ever drank again after that.

But, I never got to talk about it. I remember being really little, I was talking to one of my siblings about it, shoot, we were all there...and I don't know who, but someone, an adult, not in a mean way but a "caring" way..came up to me and said "you really shouldn't talk about this...it hurts your Uncle SO MUCH"

So, I quit. I never spoke of it for fear of hurting HIM.

I look at my Mother and see a pathetic, weak, desolate woman and realize that I am terrified of showing ANY weakness to a man. I will become her. Even put a man in front of her own children.

Then, when I realize the YEARS that I sat there and SUBMITTED and PRAYED while Steve verbally abused our son, I am sick. I AM HER. I put a man in front of my baby.

If I continue on this path of being soft and vulnerable, I can't see it as being a good thing. It will destroy me. I cannot be her.

I want to believe that God is exposing this to heal it, but on the other hand, I AM SICK of all of it. My mother is horrible, has completely disowned me and she will never, ever admit to what she has done, much less APOLOGIZE. No part of me believes that my husband has anything to do with my healing. He didn't do this. The things he did to our son? Sure, he can make amends for that, but he didn't DO THIS.

I am back to believing that maybe some healing will not come this side of heaven. BUT, I am healed more than I WAS, so maybe that will have to be good enough. In order to get healed, doesn't MY MOTHER have to fix it, apologize, admit to the hell she put us through? I just don't get how my husband can do anything about it, and it will never, ever come from my mother, she is still a drunk and still a victim of everyone else. I have not seen, nor spoken to my mother in well over 2 years. She has absoltuely made it clear that I am not her daughter. I am really battling how Steve has anything to do with these particular wounds, and how healing can come, when the woman who is responsible will never be held accountable.

Ann

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Hi there, I am very glad that you are emailing.

Your right, Steve has nothing to do with these memories, and neither did Joel. Joel did not sexually molest me. Joel didn't touch me in the park when I was a young child. Joel had absolutely nothing to do with all of that.

Remember the scripture, "Husbands love you wife, just like Christ loves his church. Your husband is called by God to love you the same way Christ loves his church. Christ didn't abuse us, he had NOTHING to do with it.

There is an enemy out there that wants to rob (our life) kill and destroy, but JESUS has come to give us life and life more abundantly(John 10:10)

 

So, how doest this play out in daily life? Steve stands in the gap for what others did to you, just like Christ stood in the gap for what the enemy did to Christs bride.( us)

 

When these memories pop up, you need to allow Steve to "stand in the gap" as Christ stood in the gap. You need to allowe Steve to help bring healing to those memories. God appointed Steve to stand in the gap in your life, because God knew he would be the perfect person to be able to meet these memories head on and bring healing to you. God brings the healing and he uses Steve to stand in the gap to do that.

 

For example....You need healing in your body. What do you do? You go to church and they call for a healing line. That Pastor is "Standing in the gap." He is the conduient to bring healing to you from Heaven. God sends the healing, goes through the person "Standing in the gap" and goes into you, and you get healed.

 

See, Steve is suppose to be the 'hands, feet, and mouth piece of Jesus. How ever Christ loves his church, Steve has this awesome priviledge to stand in the gap and be the hands, feet and mouth piece of Jesus. What an awesome responsibility and a wonderful priviledge.

 

I know you don't NEED a hug. I know you don't NEED sex, but you NEED what that brings, and that his the closeness and healing.

For those of us who have been abused, it's hard for us to understand why people NEED sex and hugs in our "MiINDS AND THINKING, because our minds and thinking was a screwed up with all the abuse and crap we went through.

 

I didn't NEED sex or hugs perse....as much as I NEEDED what the hug and sex brought, which was closeness and the NEED that I was wanted and loved. The healing! Does this make sense to you?

 

Allow yourself to express these memories to Steve, and allow him to be the physical hands, feet and mouth piece of Jesus, but standing in the gap and apologizing for what the enemy wanted to do in your life, which was DESTROY you. The enemy doesn't want you to rise up and be all that you can be (in the army of the LOrd) he would rather beat you down till you decide NOT to get back up.

 

Don't allow that! You and I don't always understand why we think the way we do, I just know that what I am saying is completely true.

 

See Steve at those moments when the memories hit, is the arms, feet and mouth piece of Jesus, providing he is speaking loving, kind, caring, gentle and understanding encouraging words, like Christ would do.

 

Christ wants to give you life and life more abundantly, but to get there, we have to walk through the 'valley of the shadow of death" to get there. But guess what "The word of God continues on to say "I will fear no evil for thou art with me."

 

You have nothing to fear, all is well. God is looking out for you, and wants to see you completely healed and on the otherside of all of this.

 

Your kids need to see Steve being the hands, feet and mouth piece of Jesus, because they get their picture of God from how their daddy treats their mother. If we have a harsh father, children tend to see God as harsh. If we have a loving father, Children tend to see God as a loving father. You play a major role in how your children will see God as well. You have to allow Steve to show you the love of God so your children will SEE the love of God in the home.

 

We can tell them "God is good and loving all we want, but ACTIONS speak much louder than words.

 

See the picture of Christ dying on the cross for the bride, is a picture of marriage.

 

You went through so much. I was really only able to glance over your letter since today I am getting ready for the Intensive, but I wanted to address what caught my eye for right this minute.

 

I hope this puts some perspective on this for you.

 

Your children NEED to see Steve hugging on you, so they can learn that "hugging, kissing," is normal in a marriage.

 

You went throught so much more than I did and your an amazing person to not be in the mental ward. Your a SURVIVOR!

 

You can do this! You can overcome and allow yourself to get healed. Steve is not out to hurt you, his new goal is to do his best to bring healing to you. I trust he is taking this as seriously as it is.

 

Blessings to you for now. Give me a quick email back, and let me know if this spoke to you this morning. I will check my email later today

 

Kathy of Joel and Kathy

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Thanks for the email. I know you are super busy, I will keep this short. I don't want you to think I am resisting what you are saying...but the arguments come to my mind immediately. The good thing, though, is that the arguments are continuing to reveal mindsets.

The big arguments I have with what you say are mostly around trusting my husband, any man, to that level. What a horrifying, sickening thought.

The other is the balance in being hard and being soft. I have had to be so strong all my life.

Now that I am being asked to step away from that, I don't see it in a balanced way.

I get that there could be a balance. I believe there are women out there who are strong, and brave and POWEFUL--and still need tenderness and affection and still have weak moments where they may even need to rely on the strength of a man.

But, RIGHT now, for me to step ONE CENTIMETER away from the hard, tough woman life has made me-----in my mind-----I don't step into the middle, I step into being my mother. Weak, desperate, desolate...like a puppy who will take scraps of food, or take a good kick in the ribs...."just love me".

I get that is out of balance.

So, yeah, I hear what you are saying, it makes sense in my mind but everything in me is crying out.."Don't do it! When you let him in, he's going to destroy you!"

I have some digesting to do, and lots of praying.

Thanks again.

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Hi there,

 

at least you are not resisting the information, you are just saying you are not there yet.

 

I know, I have had to be strong all my life too. We both are survivors. At some point though, as Steve is doing "right", you need to take a centimeter step towards him and give it a 'test" try. If he blows it, you back off, if not, you are one step closer to your healing. The goal is to be HEALED right? To be a completely WHOLE person. Not bound up by anything. I am not saying this is easy, it's not, but necessary.

 

Senario:

 

Someone runs a red light and we get hit. We end up in the hospital and have therapy for years to come. Unfair and unjust, but here we sit. So, do we stay where we are and accept our disfuntion or do we take centimeter steps to get out. What would you tell your daughters? Stay in your disfunction and accept it because you are afraid to take a step, or take centimeter steps to get out of the disfunction. Yes, when you are ready! But, if you are not careful, you may NEVER be ready~

 

At some point you have to "Test" the situation. Will you be ready next week, next month, next year, maybe 10 years from now? How many precious years do you really want to waste not being truely happy?

 

(remember senerio) You have been in therapy from the car accident for years now, it may be time to get out of the wheel chair and take a step.

 

But, I don't want to, it's gonna hurt. Yes, it's gonna hurt, but you need to start some place.

 

so, those are some thoughts to ponder. Ask the Lord to GIVE YOU A WILLING HEART, and go from there.

 

Blessings, Kathy of Joel and Kathy

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I am taking it in and praying about what you say.

The problem with the car accident scenario is that with this whole process, I have to get up and step into the arms of a man and trust that he won't drop and kick me. If this was about me, my strength, my ability to overcome I would have been up and moving already...but now I have to learn a new way.

I know I can still choose to get out of the chair on my own strength, tell my husband where to go, get lost, I can do this, leave me alone...(pretty tempting...)

Or I can trust him, and I don't know that mentally, and spiritually, I have ever been in a bigger battle, ever.

The crazy thing is, my husband HAS THIS FIGURED OUT--He is not resisting, he is living this!

After I found the porn in April, it was the end of the road for us. We have been living as barely civil roomates. Steve knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he had totally blown it. Lost everything. He was in this home because I just didn't know what to tell the kids. We slept in the same bed but rarely were intimate, like 3 times in 8 months? I couldn't bear it, I felt so dirty after seeing the porn. Outside of sex, there was no other kinds of intimacy, either. We didn't talk unless it was something important about the kids. We lived together, that was it. He knew all was lost. He didn't know what to do. When he read the book he said it was like a light came on. He had already come to the place of being completely broken and acceping that his actions had caused a LOT of damage, but he did not know how to fix it. The book was the answer for him.

He has absolutely lived this from day one. Let me vent, apologized, never pushed, accepted responsibility, has not really slipped up big time, NOT ONCE. Little ones, but he shifts into the right gear right away.

I am the one holding this up because most days, I am just too darn afraid to trust him. Any man.

Okay, but all is not lost. God is talking to me, and at His direction I am taking baby steps.

God helped me write a letter to my husband that spoke of some very intimate issues, I made requests of my husband and he has acted on all of them and God has begun a real healing work in the area of intimacy for us, and in the area of healing my body image issues, the porn was a HUGE blow to what little self-confidence I had. The letter was God inspired. After I wrote it I was not quite sure all of that came from me, it expressed needs I did not know that I had, but I believe God knows, so He helped me. He also prompted me VERY STONGLY to GIVE the letter to Steve. I had written it, that was all good, but then I wasn't going to give it to him. "Lord, you had me write this for me, right?" Yeah, right. GIVE IT TO YOUR HUSBAND! Just giving that letter to Steve was HUGE. HUGE. This area is healing tremendously.

The biggest area I battle is when he slips up with our oldest son, I spiral down very quickly when things don't go well there. I have a lot of guilt over what my son has had to live through, but again, Steve is working very hard on that relationship, and when I address behavior that isn't Christlike, he takes it all in and makes changes. Before, we would have literally fought for DAYS if I addressed unChristlike behavior. He would have twisted, turned, lied, justified, blamed, and we would have fought, then lived silently for the next few weeks because it was never resolved. That has not happened once since he read the book. I tell him a behavior or some words were too harsh, or whatever, he apologizes and tries not to do that again.

So, there is improvement, for sure.

It took me many, many years to learn to distrust for men to this level. I hope it doesn't take me as many to reverse it.

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The crazy thing is, my husband HAS THIS FIGURED OUT--He is not resisting, he is living this! He has absolutely lived this from day one.

I am very glad there is progress. The more you vent at him, the more he listens, and the more you are able to respond, even with the baby steps, the quicker the healing will come. You can do this. You can trust again, and be a beacon light to the other ladies who have such distrust with their husbands as well.

God is talking to me, and at His direction I am taking baby steps.

 

God has begun a real healing work in the area of intimacy for us, and in the area of healing my body image issues.

Excellent` Keep up the good work. The Word says, "tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil....my point here being, "Walking." Keep walking....keep moving....don't stop the healing process, for when you do, the temptation will be to turnaround and go back to Egypt. On the otherside of this valley is one great life.

 

Blessings, Kathy of Joel and Kathy

[7xgreater]

What a awesome healing.

Thank you for caring enough to share. In that we can look forward to and be ready for the hard moments, that will need to be addressed even years down the road. But as you said what freedom, love and joy await us.

[CHeRIsh]

"When God Reveals, He wants to Heal." That IS awesome! I'm gonna print that a put it on our bathroom mirror.

 

Thank you!!

 

In HIS grip,

CHeRIsh

[KathyandJoel]

"When God Reveals, He wants to Heal." That IS awesome! I'm gonna print that a put it on our bathroom mirror.

 

you are welcome~

 

I think I may have heard that from Paul Hegstrom at one point and time in our life.

 

It has helped me very much and now I love to pass it on to help others.

 

Isn't that what we do? We learn stuff, we get healed, and instead of hording the information, we pass it on, to help others.

 

We love you guys and are very glad you are apart of our lives.

 

Blessings, Kathy of Joel and Kathy

[JoelandKathy]

bump

[ChooseLove]

Great story Kathy.  I pray this type of healing comes to my wife as well after all the hurt I heaped on her for years.  We are just starting down the road to recovery but our lives look better than ever at this point.  Praise be to God!

[KathyandJoel]

Thank you. What God did for me he can do for her and what God did for US, he can do for ya'll.

 

Remember this: Forgive and Forget.

 

She can forgive IF you change your actions. The FORGETTING is the "no pain" connected to the memory once the actions are changed and she gets the closure and healing she needs.

 

Great place to live.