becoming a godly ex..?

[Looney_Tunes]

That's good, mkd. You gave her the option and let HER decide what she wanted you to do. I know that sounds like a really small thing, but it's important, because it's years and years of small things that make us wives think you don't care about our feelings or opinions.

 

I personally think it would be good for her to know that you're involved with this ministry. However, you have to approach it right. You have to tell her something like, "They're helping me to understand why I did what I did and how to make sure I never, ever do it again," as opposed to, "They're trying to show me how to win your heart back." If she knew, she MIGHT get curious. She MIGHT read something. She MIGHT decide that it wouldn't be bad to talk to a woman who's been through what she's been through. She should know about it and be able to make the choice to be involved or not. Just make sure you don't put any pressure on her.

[mykidzdad]

I don't think she believes me that I have not been in contact with any of the women I was involved with in the last 7 weeks. I haven't, but I can understand why she has her doubts.

I do not know how to approach it.

She asked me if not being in contact with them and being apart from her is making me lonely. I told her no, that I have come to realize that the false intimacy I had with the other women has lost all of its luster and power over me. But I am kicking myself for not saying the one true thing.. that I totally miss being friends with her. In that way, I am pretty lonely, but ..not alone. (if that makes any sense at all)

 

I have been composing the apology list in my head, but want to know when I should give it to her. Should I wait?

 

Thank you all again for your prayers.

 

 

MKD

[Looney_Tunes]

Well, if I were her, I wouldn't believe you either.

 

Are you being totally transparent with her? Does she have all of your online passwords, your cell phone records, everything? Do you go anywhere alone? Obviously you have to go to work alone, but you should be leaving in just enough time to get there (no stops on the way) and coming straight home after work. She knows how long it takes you to get there. Do your best to cut it close enough that you couldn't possibly have time to do anything else. If you have to go to the store or whatever, take a kid with you.

 

Why don't you write out your apology and post it here first? It's been our experience that the first attempt often needs a little editing.

 

I'm glad you didn't say what you wanted to say . . . that you miss being friends with her. At this stage it would come across as total manipulation. You could say that you are sorry you pushed her to the place where she is unable to trust you, and that you totally understand and don't blame her.

 

OK, from one graveyard shift worker to another - go home and get some sleep, and work on your apology letter when you're rested.

[mykidzdad]

yes.. she checks my mail more than I do.

Even answers some of it. (from people interested in our craigslist items)

I no longer have internet on my phone, which was my major way to keep in touch with the women and still appear busy being a good husband. (just sneak off for 30 seconds to send an email) Oh to have that time back!

What a waste!

 

I am always taking a kid with me. I am not making a big show of it, so I don't know if she even notices, or knows why. But it is more for my sake. I know I feel strong now, but want to have backup if the enemy whispers to me in a weak moment. But I am living for small victories and change of heart. (such as, if there is a choice, pick a male cashier at the store, even if the line is a little longer)

 

I am trying to leave little room for doubt, but I know the doubt will always be there. I left little room for doubt before, but still was able to pull off being unfaithful. I take solace in the fact that God knows I am walking in integrity each day I ask for His strength to guide me. It is Him I need to concentrate getting near to and being in tune to what He wants me to do for His daughter. He knows her needs better than she does.

 

Thank you LT, for pointing out the manipulation aspect of what I wanted to say. I know in my heart it I wouldn't be trying to manipulate, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't be manipulation none the less.

 

I willl attempt to write down the apology letter and get it on here sometime in the next week.

 

MKD

[mykidzdad]

She may also think I am just on here to prey on women whose marriages aren't strong. Which is understandable because that is the type of woman I used to get in relationships with and using my "good husband & father" schtick as a weapon.

 

I want to make it clear that if I EVER give ANY woman on here ANY vibe that is not kosher to publicly call me out on it.

 

I doubt it will be a problem, because of some inner healing I have received and continue to, but I want to be up front about my past.

 

MKD

[mykidzdad]

wife and kids went with Mother in Law to Gatlinburg today..

kinda lonely without them, knowing Im not really welcome.

But trying not to do the self pity thing.

 

Gotta go work on the lawn mower

 

 

MKD

[Abigail]

Dear MKD,

 

As the man and husband (even if you are an ex), you have much, much more power over your situation than any wife has.

 

Besides lawn mower, is there anything else that God might tell you to initiate?

 

Ask Him.

 

Blessings,

Abigail

[Abigail]

Btw, you need to own that you earned not being welcome.....even though it may seem remote to you.

 

God's ways are the opposite of our own knee jerk ways.

 

Abigail

[mykidzdad]

oh yes..I know .. I have absolutely earned the not welcomeness..if..that is a word.

 

I don't know. I made her a batch of cookies yesterday and cooked dinner. Not sure when they will be home tonight.

 

Anyway, going for some much needed healing prayer tomorrow.

 

back to the lawn...had to gas up..

 

MKD

[Bridget]

I forget, do you access to the house?

 

Would she be okay with you washing the sheets and making the bed or completing whatever laundry is around?

 

That may be completely TOO MUCH, so don't do it at all if you aren't allowed in the house.

 

Maybe if she decorates for halloween, buy the pumpkins for her and the kids?

 

Bridget

[Bridget]

I don't know where you live, but where I live, CLEAN UP of the pumpkins is the worst part! (They rot in no time, here...and are a goopy mess!). So if she has pumpkins, clean them up for her, too!

 

Blessings to your wife and kids (and therefore, you, too!)

Bridget

[mykidzdad]

No pumpkins here.

 

I live at the house, but am bunking with my 14yr old son.

Still doing my normal chores around the house, just not sleeping with my wife.

We have purchased a new house that is larger and we will be converting part of it into an apartment, where the non custodial parent will live when the other has custody. This is so the kids will never have to move and we really only have to pay one set of utilities. If money were no issue, I think she would want me living elsewhere. But I also think she wants the benefit of being nearby the kids when I have custody.

I feel this arrangement will give me the most opportunity to bless her as much as possible. (ie. baking cookies with daughter and having her deliver them to mommy in the apartment, etc)

 

She told me she doesn't want me to buy her a Christmas present.

I told her no problem. I don't want to manipulate the situation by buying a nice gift from "the kids" either. But also don't want to miss any opportunity to bless her. So I've got 2 months to come up with a solution for that one. Any help?

 

MKD

[Looney_Tunes]

I don't want to manipulate the situation by buying a nice gift from "the kids" either.

 

I get that, but you can still bless her through the kids. Just make sure to take them shopping and help them get something for her. I think you'll only run into trouble if you give something "from the kids" that they obviously wouldn't have picked out. Your 14 yo probably wouldn't buy his mom the diamond tennis bracelet . . . Just make sure the gift is something that the kids logically would give her.

[mykidzdad]

Thanks LT, good advice and something that is reasonably within their budgets so she knows Im not footing the whole bill on it. Though I will help them.

 

Now, if she says she doesn't want a Christmas gift, where does that put me on the buying her one small gift a week plan on here?

 

Oh, once we close on the new house, I will remain living at the old house until it sells making sure of the upkeep, and giving her a break from me I am sure. I told her I don't need internet at the house when I'm there by myself. Can't think of anything essential reason I would need it.

 

Had a good inner healing prayer session with a counselor today. Though the enemy tried to keep me away with car troubles.

 

MKD

[Bridget]

Are you on the mens calls? That would be a great question to ask them.

 

How is she receiving the weekly gifts now? I would think if you stopped at Christmas, that would upset her, as long as she's not uncomfortable with them now.

 

No internet at the new house is hard for you, but great for her. She won't have to spend time wondering what you are doing with your idle hours.

 

Christmas? SIlly me asking, but do you do a tree? Assuming no, pumpkins then maybe no chrismtas tree? If you do a tree, offer to help her with it, and with getting out the assorted decorating items. When I was single and on my own, that was SO HARD...to get a tree, put it up, get the ornaments out of the attic and decorate the tree all by myself...it kind of made the holidays feel horribly lonely.

 

That is a gift!

 

Shopping with the kids is great.

 

Taking them to one of those pottery shops where they can paint items just for her is awesome. All moms love that.

 

If my husband were to ever receive a lobotomy (sp?) and decide to be Christlike, someone please direct him to this string...because ALL of these things would work on me!

 

Take Care,

B

[mykidzdad]

You can get him a gift card from "Bed, Bath, and Lobotomies"

 

I am usually the one who does the decorating. My 8 year old daughter usually starts bugging me the week of Thanksgiving to do it. We usually buy a live tree with a bundle..and plant it in the yard.

 

MKD

[mykidzdad]

continuing the laundry theme here instead of flyboy's thread.

 

I am a multitasker.. it is hard for me to see the washer idle while the dryer is going and a 3 loads of laundry sit in the hamper. I had all 7 or 8 loads folded, they just weren't put away yet. .. why make 8 different trips putting laundry away ..I thought... never again! just like I will never dry her knit sweaters again..learned that in year 1.

 

got a little bit of her ire today..but it wasn't too bad.

 

 

MKD

[Looney_Tunes]

it is hard for me to see the washer idle while the dryer is going and a 3 loads of laundry sit in the hamper.

MKD

 

I can think of several families who would like to rent you for a weekend.

 

Have you started writing an apology letter yet?

[Xena]

Hey MKD,

 

You said:

 

I live at the house, but am bunking with my 14yr old son.

 

Do your kids know the exact reason why their mom is "done" with you? (The answer is adultery - correct?)

 

What, when, and how did you explain the situation to them?

 

How did they react? (How many kids? Ages? Genders? I know you have a 14 yo son and a younger daughter.)

 

Do you explain to them that it is entirely your fault? How do you do that without explaining the adultery?

 

How much church do your kids attend? You? (I know you're doing deep healing therapy.) Your ex-wife? Do you all go together, or separately?

 

Why do you think you became an adulterer? (Forgive me if you have already addressed this one earlier in your string.)

[mykidzdad]

I live at the house, but am bunking with my 14yr old son.

 

Do your kids know the exact reason why their mom is "done" with you? (The answer is adultery - correct?)

 

We explained that I was living a sinful lifestyle and I could not allow

her to abide with that and that I needed to get myself right with God,

and could not expect her to wait for me to do that. We did not mention divorce yet (that right now is on hold until she gets a job with insurance)

and we did not go into details

 

What, when, and how did you explain the situation to them?

 

How did they react? (How many kids? Ages? Genders? I know you have a 14 yo son and a younger daughter.)

 

Son 15 - said he was sad about the marriage, but glad I am working to

get right with God.

Son 14 - is adopted and has reactive attachment disorder, is taking it the hardest, and is most likely to try and pit us against each other, but I will not have any of that.

Son 12 & Daughter 8 are both taking it quite well, but since I haven't left the house, probably havent grasped the gravity of the situation.

 

Do you explain to them that it is entirely your fault? How do you do that without explaining the adultery?

 

I did explain that it was all my fault and that I love their mother so much

that I couldn't allow her to have to go through the healing process because it may take a long time.

 

How much church do your kids attend? You? (I know you're doing deep healing therapy.) Your ex-wife? Do you all go together, or separately?

 

We usually go every week. But haven't gone together in the last 6 weeks.

My work schedule is precluding me from going on Sunday mornings for the next 10 weeks or so.

 

I used to be on the worship team, but hadnt been on for almost 2 years,

and my heart began to grow less passionate for worship as I felt I was no longer wanted. I now realize that I was just worried that "I" wouldn't get enough glory from worship instead of God. So sad.. I am so sorry Lord.

 

Why do you think you became an adulterer? (Forgive me if you have already addressed this one earlier in your string.)

 

I am learning that I have had rejection issues in my life that I have not addressed. I allowed things my wife said or did to fester and held them against her without even letting her know. They then grew into lies and used them as excuses to feed my lusts that grew from reading pornography as a teen. And as any addiction goes, I started with flirting on the internet, but it took more and more to get the thrill and eventually met a friend of a friend on Facebook. I used my "good husband and father" schtick to get in the door, and the enemy used me to speak lies into her life and marriage as well. At one time I had 3 different disgruntled wives on the line (not all evolved into sex) .. what power I thought I had. It disgusts me now, but I was in the throes of self pity and feeding my addiction. Not excuses.. just where I was.. choosing sin and lies instead of light and truth.

 

If you have any more questions, I am willing to answer all.

[mykidzdad]

is there anything I can say or do when I feel she is taking out her frustrations with me out on the kids?

[Bridget]

is there anything I can say or do when I feel she is taking out her frustrations with me out on the kids?

 

I would like to see a helper weigh in on this, but I will give you my honest opinion...

 

Unfortunately, NO.

 

You can't say anything without upsetting her or angering her. It is all going to sound to her like you feel like you are better than her, and that after your adultery and all of the time that you couldn't have cared less about your family NOW you are Mr. Superdad, and you want to tell her how to raise the kids.

 

I'm sorry if this stings a little, but honestly, that's EXACTLY how I felt when my husband "embraced" the J&K message and suddenly became a great dad in his own mind. He would give advice and it just set me off...bringing up old wounds related to doing it myself (raising kids) all alone with no help.

 

I'm certain that there is A LOT of bitterness there for her.

 

If I were your wife, I would feel a lot of grace for you if you just didn't say anything, and loved her even though she has faults as a parent (but don't say that to her!). Mothers WILL self correct and she'll probably feel terrible about it and go apologize to her children and make it right. I know I would.

 

Hang in there. Just realize also how many times you might have done the SAME THING to your children and just love them as much as you can.

 

What your wife is going through now is just SO DIFFICULT. But also remember that bringing healing to your kids is done by healing their mom.

 

Take Care,

B

[HerDestiny]

MKD - I have to really catch up on your thread, so that I completely understand your scenario and where you are in the "dying to self" spectrum, but I wanted to try to pop in and offer some advice on your latest question...

 

Bridget is right - there isn't going to be anything that you can do. You do NOT want to "fly in" like you're a superhero, and going to suddenly put everything right. Even if that's not your intention, it's going to come across that way. You have to look at things from your wife's perspective - you weren't there for her for so many years, did hurtful things to her, and while you might be beginning to change, she is leery and scared. Everything you do that is positive is going to bring about a negative reaction for a season. That's the bed we guys make, and that's where we need to sleep while we die to self and work to make our wives a safer place.

 

I agree with Bridget's statement that a Mom will self-correct. Women have an intuition that we men cannot BEGIN to fathom, so all of these issues will balance themselves out. You have your wife VERY off-balance right now, and so she is probably reacting out of a lot of hurt - your job is to let her process those hurts, find ways to bless her, and then PRAY FOR HER.

 

Let God minister to her through your prayers, and you just focus on finding ways to bless her and always, ALWAYS be available for her to "let out the poison" when she needs to. DO NOT BECOME defensive, DO NOT deflect or twist words, and let her know that YOU TAKE responsibility for her hurt.

 

Let me ask you a few questions:

- How much time does your wife get to be alone without you?

Or alone with just the kids?

- How often are you reading the J&K books?

- Are you on any mentoring calls? Are you on the Men's Call?

- Is your wife on the forums? What are her feelings about the J&K ministry?

 

I apologize if all of these things are in your thread - if they are, let me know. I will read up on your situation and come up with facts...

 

HerDensity

[mykidzdad]

Let me ask you a few questions:

- How much time does your wife get to be alone without you?

Or alone with just the kids?

 

I work 40 hours a week + times taking kids to school and running errands. I really have no other outside activities.

 

- How often are you reading the J&K books?

 

I have yet to purchase the books, I am afraid that if she sees them

she will think I am trying to manipulate her into getting back with me, or worse yet, that I have found someone else I am trying to pursue.

 

Last night I told her I spent about an hour on the phone with an older man who is mentoring me and how encouraging he was. Her reply was, "I hope he isn't trying to encourage you to get back with me." and "you must not have been honest about what you've done if he is that encouraging"

 

So, I have to be somewhat stealth at this point about my intentions of becoming reconciled.

 

- Are you on any mentoring calls? Are you on the Men's Call?

 

not yet. But would like to be when we are living in separate quarters. She would consider it a foolish expense at this point since we will never reconcile.

 

 

- Is your wife on the forums? What are her feelings about the J&K ministry?

 

See Above. I can't say I blame her at this point, but we are only 2 months into this thing. I need to allow Christ to permeate my being and continue to perfect the work He has begun in me and trust that she is attuned to His Spirit, that the changes wrought in me will be seen as genuine and not the pious show I had perfected in the past. This is the only way true reconciliation is possible.

[Bridget]

MKD,

 

I really think you should pray about getting two sets of the books. I really think your wife would be MORE LIKELY to accept that you are truly working toward change if she really understood where you were coming from.

 

Let me illustrate. If she doesn't know about the books, etc. Right now she thinks you are on your "best behavior" and eventually you are going to blow, and you are going to find another woman to pursue, etc. She is just biding her time until your focus is off of her and onto someone else. She is waiting for that so that she can say to herself, "see, I was right about him."

 

If she has the books, she will start to see that you are beginning a transformation of your heart that is not done by you alone, but by God. She is a Christian woman, she knows that the only way for a man to TRULY change (and this is true of women, too) is through the work of the Holy Spirit. If she has access to the books, she may begin to believe that there is something to this thing, instead of it being just a lot of "good behavior."

 

Plus, it may bring her to the forum where she can begin to pour out her hurts and frustrations in a safe place where people love and support her. Once she finds out about the ministry, you can assure her that she can still get her divorce, and she doesn't ever have to reconcile with you or trust you again...because it's not about that. It's about the fact that it's your job to lay your life down for her, NO MATTER WHAT. This side of divorce, the other side of divorce, it doesn't matter. You are there to heal her from the hurts that YOU CAUSED.

 

I would think if she were able to give the books a fair chance, she would feel validated and she would RUN not walk to these boards. At least you should read the books, because then you would understand why she would be so open to them.

 

Many women read the books and for the FIRST TIME in their married lives, they feel like someone is listening to them, and that they are really NOT CRAZY like their spouses made them feel. Reading the books is a very freeing experience for an abused wife.

 

I speak to you as a woman who has been in your wifes shoes. I was the victim of an abusive and aldulterous husband...so I know how it feels to be in her shoes.

 

Take Care,

B