Aspiewife and Romans working together now!

[aspiewife]

Yes heartsong, I am OK!

 

H was insufferably selfish and hurtful just as I was posting you before bedtime...

 

Hard to communicate this...

 

after a beautiful time on the phone call with Kim/Josh he had indicated we would ML, then after I waited for about two hours for him to close down the household and finish some personal tasks, he walked in and said,

 

"Uh, I'm really tired so can I go to bed now? I have to get up early tomorrow morning and teach a class at home-school co-op."

 

I was dumbstruck! I immediately had tears coming to my eyes (I am not given to crying very often) because he had left me waiting only to be rejected so cruelly...He actually thought that I was keeping HIM up!

 

Anyway, he spent another 90 minutes or so trying to make it up to me.

 

I am so exhausted with this pattern! Because he immediately repented...no arguing/defending/excuses...I let him turn it around, but it was really hard for me to show this kindness to him.

 

I didn't want to give him any chance at all.

 

How could he so completely DUMP what was promised and looked forward to?

 

And what a train-wreck it turned into. I had been feeling so warmed by the Holy Spirit after the phone call...such a fragrant ennui of joy, the pure fruit of righteousness and amorous anticipation were in my heart as I waited for my beloved to come to me...

 

Then, BAM! The child came out and didn't want to play with me anymore.

 

He walked in and did this just as I was posting the line before my SOS to you.

 

I do appreciate that he apologized instantly...I do see some definite progress...but how many times more must my heart be run over like abandoned garbage in the roadway?

 

I have given much thought to the task of trusting that is assigned those of us who give our H's the opportunity to win our hearts back...

 

NOT a pretty prospect, particularly for those of us who have been through REAL abuse as children in addition to the REAL abuse of our marriages.

 

I don't think that I agape loved him, but I didn't really feel like that life-source was pouring into me either. It was sadly kind of rote.

 

"I want our marriage to get healed. I want my H to mature. I want to be loved. I will be a good helpmeet", etc.,etc.

 

AW

[Looney_Tunes]

I'm sorry, sweetie.

 

Unfortunately he is so entrenched in these patterns that progress is likely to be slow. At least he turned it around right away . . . that IS progress, and is probably the best you can hope for right now.

 

Just to clarify, did you end up ML or not? Because unless you really wanted it, I don't think you should have. ML is a reward for when he's doing well, not a consolation prize because he missed the mark but then got it on the 17th try.

 

You amaze me . . . he continues to drive into trees, and yet you pick yourself up and dust yourself off and get back in the car with him every single time. You are an awesome helpmeet, and I hope he doesn't forget for one second how beautiful you are and how blessed he is to have you.

 

I am well aware that I actually got the easy way out . . . mine just refused to drive, and so the car remains parked. I am in awe of you who continue to speed, mostly out of control, down this road.

 

But it's exhausting, and we get that. It's ok to take a break. It's ok to say you need some space. It's ok to say . . . TODAY . . . I just can't do it. Then he backs off and checks in on you periodically to see if you need anything, and you get recharged and then get back in the car.

 

And don't take this wrong . . . but if you'd had a perfect marriage, I probably wouldn't have met you, so is it OK if I thank Bruce for screwing up? I am blessed to have you as a friend.

[Purple]

I read your post last night...wasn't able to respond.

 

First thing I wished...is that I could call you...because I could have written that response 5-6 mos ago.

 

When we were new to marriage recovery mode....he would immediately apologize...and very sincerely...without any or very little prompting by me....and I would still be furious, hurt to the core, and just couldn't stand to look at him. One particular incident I remember...he apologized sincerely 4-5 times...and I finally told him...I hear you. I believe you. And I'm still furious. I'm just so hurt from years of this. I feel so insignificant....and even knowing right now that you mean your apology...I'm still mad. So, I'm just going to go in the other room by myself for awhile. Leave me be. I have no interest in shooting you down when you're being sincere...I'm just very hurt.

 

I know sometimes they say to let the husband hear you out....my issue is...I needed to be away from his presence. I didn't want or need him to grovel. I was just soo mad that for me, I needed to be myself until in a better place. We tend to have screaming fights...and I knew I could go there...and I didn't want to...and didn't need to in that he was being sincere.

 

Not saying any of that applies to you...just wanted you to know and feel that someone gets it. This is normal. I needed people to tell me that. God will show you both the way as you continue to walk out the precepts of this ministry.

 

Praying for you...hope your heart receives blessings today!!!

[aspiewife]

Aww Loones...

 

I am so glad I checked in here...I'm late for work/rehearsal but felt that God had something for me.

 

You made my day! Yeah, go ahead and thank him for divertins us over here to J&K land...

 

OY!

 

back later-AW

[aspiewife]

Re: female sexuality in God's design--

 

I agree with all of you ladies...I've just felt for so long that I MUST be some sex-crazed maniac to be longing after my H as much as I have for all these years...

 

I was on a starvation diet, and so I've used other 'substances' to cope with the loss.

 

Food...alcohol..chocolate...binge shopping...tubing out on movies...etc.

 

But the truth is that I've been just needing what God designed me to need...especially since my sexuality was so bent and broken by molestation and abuse.

 

Currently...I am drinking at night again to cope with H being in my face at the house and not doing the basics. He is so NOT showing up for the dance.

 

Anybody looked at his thread lately? He's spiraling downward and out of control and there's no posting in 3-4 days.

 

Help!!!

 

AW

[aspiewife]

Purple wrote:

 

When we were new to marriage recovery mode....he would immediately apologize...and very sincerely...without any or very little prompting by me

 

Thanks sweetie for your post...I'm sure we would have a great time on a phone call together ,,,

 

My Romans has required (rather cruelly, I might add) more than a simple nudge to apologize. The apology technique is always very BASIC. "I'm sorry I didn't do x,y,z, and I didn't want to hurt you."

 

My overriding impression is that he doesn't really think at those times about validating me (like Michael says on Tuesday night calls--deal with your wife in understanding ), but it's more like he just wants to 'get out of trouble'= which is totally self-motivated.

 

Last night at 3:30 am I smacked him in the face with my bed pillow...can you believe he whined about it? He has been keeping me up night after night, going through his childish and pitiful moods and machinations, and I really need to get this to end, NOW!

 

I didn't HIT him, just wanged him with a soft pillow .

 

Anyway, I am not forgiving him right now. I have informed him that the cost of admission has just gone way up!

 

I am in a public wi-fi place, and not one but two guys are seriously trying to pick me up .

 

They are talking about what a beautiful woman I am...I don't want this! I just want my husband to be my lover, my friend, my honored brother in Christ who wants to serve me in love, so that I can serve him as I am desiring to do.

 

Thanks Purple for posting me...you really helped me to not feel so alone out here in OHM rebuilding territory!

 

AW

[Looney_Tunes]

Sweetie, does Bruce still have the apartment?

 

Because you need to do something STRONG here . . . if you are guilty of anything, it's that you love the stupid fool so much that you let him in too far too soon.

 

Repeat after me . . . I will no longer allow Bruce to keep me awake past my normal bedtime. A princess needs her beauty sleep.

 

So here's what you're gonna do . . . he has until - what's reasonable with your schedule, 11pm? - to EARN the honor of spending the night with you. If, at 11pm, he is not in a good place relationally, he gets to (preferably) leave the building. If he no longer has the option of leaving the building, then you get your tea and a good book and whatever else you need, go to your room, and shut the door. He has lost the right to interact with you for the rest of the night. If he wants to apologize, he can save it for morning. There will be no knocking on the door or talking through the door, even if he's trying to be nice. (Well, ok, if the house is on fire he may yell through the door! ) He sleeps on the couch or floor or in his car, but he does NOT get to see you or speak to you again until morning. That means that if you sneak out to go to the bathroom, he cannot interact with you. He is DONE.

 

If he blew it the night before, he may start the next morning with an apology and then earn the right to stay with you for that night.

 

Is this something you think you can do? Bruce needs to see a dramatic difference in his world when he is doing well vs. when he is not, and it needs to be on a daily basis.

 

OK, I am off to whomp him on his thread with something harder than a pillow . . .

 

Love you, girlfriend (and those guys are right, you ARE beautiful, but I get that it's not their attention you want).

[Purple]

My heart hurts for you reading your update. I have yearned my entire 10 yr marriage for all the things you listed. It is a soul-ache that you can't describe adequately...it takes having been there...living there to get it. I know that it breaks our Savior's heart that his daughters are treated so poorly.

 

i have had so much poor pitiful me out of my husband...and just trying to appease the little wife...rather than making it right. Going to stop here rather than cuss!!!

 

praying for you!!!

[Looney_Tunes]

Fell off the horse again, huh? And your foot is caught in the stirrup and you're being dragged . . . are you ever gonna learn to wear boots with heels?

 

To put it in non-horsey terms, when are you gonna learn to prevent this stuff? EVERY time things are going well with Sharon, you relax and get dumped out of the saddle! When are you gonna learn to be diligent and watchful and pay attention?

 

Do me a favor. Go stick your finger in a light socket and give yourself a good zap. That's probably the closest thing you have to a cattle prod. That was from me. WHAT are we gonna do with you?

 

OK. Deep breath.

 

Class is now in session. Please get out your notebook and pencil. You will be expected to take notes and study them diligently. Yes, this WILL be on the test.

 

Your sweet wife posted:

 

My Romans has required (rather cruelly, I might add) more than a simple nudge to apologize. The apology technique is always very BASIC. "I'm sorry I didn't do x,y,z, and I didn't want to hurt you."

 

My overriding impression is that he doesn't really think at those times about validating me (like Michael says on Tuesday night calls--deal with your wife in understanding ), but it's more like he just wants to 'get out of trouble'= which is totally self-motivated.

 

This class is entitled Apology 101. You must pass this class with an A, or you will have to repeat it until you do.

 

L = listen. I am getting the impression that you are doing fairly well with this one. Sharon tells you what's bothering her, and you do not run screaming from the room. I think that most of the time you are actually paying attention to what she is saying. Good.

 

O = offer an apology. I think you are getting a D on this one, and the only reason it's not an F is that you actually say the words, "I'm sorry." Your apology sounds like you are sorry you got caught, not that you are really sorry you did whatever you did. Maybe that's not what's going on inside your head, but that's how it sounds to Sharon. You need to work on that, and the way you work on that is . . .

 

V = validate her feelings. It doesn't sound like you're doing this at all. "I didn't mean to hurt you,' is a generic statement that has no thought behind it. HOW did you hurt her? You need to come up with another word besides "hurt," and that word will change depending on the situation. Some words might be angry, disappointed, worthless, afraid . . . I'm sure Sharon can help you with that.

 

E = embrace . . . that one's easy, if she will let you.

 

So an apology for screwing up your last date night is not, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you." It might sound like, "Honey, I am so sorry. I completely dropped the ball, even after you did everything you could do to help me. I must have made you feel like you weren't worth the effort to make any kind of plans. You probably feel like I don't love you at all. I promise I DO love you, and I am committed to changing into the husband you need me to be. I'd like to have another chance. Can we go out on Tuesday?"

 

Do you see the difference? The first apology sounds like a little boy who scuffs his toe in the dirt, doesn't make eye contact, and says, "Sorry," because his mommy is making him apologize. The second one is a healing apology that will make your wife feel like you actually do understand how she feels.

 

Please spend the next 24 hours practicing the above technique. I will ask your wife how you're doing.

 

Class dismissed.

[aspiewife]

Thanks again Purple...your validation means so much to me ...

 

The soul ache? Yes, I know this all too well. It was for so long, an indescribable icy grip on my heart, something gnawing inside that I could never address or satiate.

 

At least now I know what it is. I know what's wrong...but, I don't have the power to fix it. Only my H can, if he will.

 

I am buried in schoolwork, but will find your thread soon so I know your story and your life experience better, Purple.

 

Hugs and thanks!

 

AW/Sharon

[aspiewife]

Looney wisely asked:

 

Sweetie, does Bruce still have the apartment?

 

Yes. I told him he had to keep it for at least some time--maybe 2-6 months, maybe until after our intensive...

 

So here's what you're gonna do . . . he has until - what's reasonable with your schedule, 11pm? - to EARN the honor of spending the night with you.

 

Awesome idea! 10-4. Git 'r done. I will do this.

 

Is this something you think you can do?

 

Yes I can, and I am willing and had already started doing this. After I threw him out of the bedroom last night, I sent him home to his place.

 

I so did not care where he went that I don't know if he went home to his apt. or slept on the couch at the house . Just didn't care...needed to have my safe space to SLEEP!

 

I have spent almost no time with him...stayed away from church so I didn't have to be with him. No unnecessary visiting on the phone today, just the facts re: family business and necessities.

 

It's so sad that I need such a substantial break again from him. I cannot believe this .

 

(and those guys are right, you ARE beautiful, but I get that it's not their attention you want).

 

Amen! I don't want their interest or attention--the enemy sent them to trouble or tempt me...sorry satan it didn't work.

 

I left them a handwritten note regarding my having heard their unwanted compliments and that the only esteem I want is the righteous satisfaction as a believer in Christ who is pursuing a blessed marriage with her husband of 19 years.

 

I also encouraged them both to pursue true manhood by loving the woman in their life (or in their future) by going to bestmarriage.com to find out the truth of how to be a real man.

 

Handed the message to them as I walked out the door...didn't look back. God knows if He read their mail tonight through my testimony.

 

Love you Looney...thanks for the input.

 

AW

[Looney_Tunes]

I left them a handwritten note regarding my having heard their unwanted compliments and that the only esteem I want is the righteous satisfaction as a believer in Christ who is pursuing a blessed marriage with her husband of 19 years.

 

I also encouraged them both to pursue true manhood by loving the woman in their life (or in their future) by going to bestmarriage.com to find out the truth of how to be a real man.

 

Awesome . . . I don't know that I would have had the presence of mind to do that.

 

You ROCK!

 

Love ya, girl.

[aspiewife]

Romans (6 days ago) wrote:

 

It caught me off guard, how much "old me" with the passivity and the manipulation came into play that I wasn't aware of.

 

I guess he's so 'off guard' that it's too difficult to post here.

 

I need to stay vigilant, and keep working.

 

Like getting on the forum and posting every day?

 

I came here, once again looking for the most elementary sign that you were making an effort.

 

You were apparently able enough this morning to log on and get to the google news site (certainly our 16 yr old didn't do that before school, did he? )

 

Basic, outward, measurable actions. Love is a VERB.

 

Oh! I forgot...you are very involved, even consumed, with how YOU feel, right now. Sounds like self-gratification to me.

 

Thanks for the reminder.

[romans12:2]

Dear Aspie -

 

You're right to bust me on my lack of posting.

 

Looney posted six days ago in response to me and said:

 

Remember that "old you" is gonna go down kicking and screaming.

 

You have to stay "on" all the time . . . keep focusing on Sharon. Don't focus on "trying to die to self," because that's still focusing on you.

 

She's right about the old me. And she's right that I have to stay on all the time.

 

I will offer no excuses for not posting. This is at least the bare minimum I can do. It is one sure place I can validate you for your feelings of pain, hurt and betrayal, even during a time where I've caused a huge bump and compelled you to take a break from me and get some space.

 

You've really been hurt again by me, and I've put you through whiplash again. I imagine you may also have come through some "crash". You've told me you had to really set your feelings aside after the "I'm-tired-and-need-to-go-to-sleep" incident I foisted on you Sunday night after we got off the phone call with Kimberly and Joshua, and you were so full of hope. This was so thoughtless of me.

 

I do not want to be this way forever, and I have been and will work on changing. Heather and Jeff were encouraging us that they have seen change. It doesn't look like it this morning, certainly not to you, and not to me either. I do not want to keep perpetuating a sick cycle, and I am telling you now that I am getting back "on the horse" (Looney's words) and will work harder than before.

 

I believe it was Jeff on the call last night who said that you may not be ready to accept apologies for a while, but I need to keep initiating in spite of it because that is part of the healing process. I take this seriously, and I will continue to initiate, and to work hard to approach you and not pull away (remembering what they told us about the bonding and arrested development).

 

I love you, and I will not give up. Nor will I be satisfied with a half-assed effort from myself.

 

(Helpers, feel free to rebuke me if this language is not appropriate for a Christ-centered forum. It just seems to really hit it.)

 

My life has been characterized by halfway efforts, pulling back when it gets uncomfortable after sticking my toe in the water. I am learning to plunge in, even when it's not comfortable.

 

I truly appreciate your post pointing out that it had been six days. And I know also that you want this to work. But it's up to me.

 

Love,

B-man/R12:2

[romans12:2]

Looney and Kimberly -

 

Thanks for your input, sisters.

 

One at a time here.

 

Looney - I appreciate your breakdown of the L.O.V.E. process, and your grading system. A big part of what you are pointing out is that where I think I am giving a meaningful validation, what it sounds like to Sharon is simple, childish, am-I-off-the-hook-yet language.

 

I'll look forward to a 101 exam later.

 

The "randomly checking out" is one of my biggest pitfalls. If Sharon weren't pointing it out to me, I'd say that I wouldn't be aware of it 99% of the time. What I need to deal with on this s my response, which has typically been to feel fear and panic.

 

Kimberly - thank you for your insights. I will be coming back to this post (and others of yours) when things are not going well. There's a lot about my flesh that I'm learning here. I need these reminders about the flesh man. He is not going without a fight, and this is where the battle is.

 

So - I choose to confess right now in Jesus' name that the flesh man will not continue to rule over me. I will not feed him, but I will let him die. I will beat my body and make it my slave (1 Cor. 9:27). I will discipline myself to lay down my life for my beautiful wife, and where I stray, I will humble myself, confess my fault immediately and right the wrong.

 

Thanks again, ladies.

 

R12:2

[Looney_Tunes]

A big part of what you are pointing out is that where I think I am giving a meaningful validation, what it sounds like to Sharon is simple, childish, am-I-off-the-hook-yet language.

 

OK.

 

You've admitted that you don't realize it when you're checking out, and you've admitted that you think you're giving Sharon a meaningful validation when you're really not.

 

So what do you think you can do?

 

We love you, Bruce, and we want you to get this, but it's time for you to start coming up with some solutions yourself. If we are constantly telling you what to do, you are simply exchanging one mommy for another . . . Sharon gets a bit of a break, but you are still not being proactive about healing her heart.

 

You need to come on here and say this is what I think I can do, and see if we have any suggestions. We will fine tune it with you, we will offer things you may not have thought of, we will tell you if what you're thinking is way off base, but you have to start bringing something to the table. You have been around long enough now that you understand the basics of this ministry.

 

So back to the above question . . . what can you do? If it's easier, think of what you might tell another man to do in your situation. I know I sometimes find that my thinking is clearer if I take myself out of the picture.

 

I'll be waiting for your response.

[aspiewife]

GOD rocks Looney...He just gave me the idea to respond in that way.

 

Speaking of responding...I'm not getting much opportunity to do that here these days.

 

Does anybody remember that I was pretty badly mangled in a recent car wreck? (BTW, it's official my new car was totalled ).

 

Well, my H apparently has completely forgotten about my injuries or just isn't interested anymore.

 

By the afternoon on most days, I can hardly stand the pain in my knees...they were both injured and now that the swelling has gone down, they are grinding and misaligned,etc. Just MISERABLE for the moment.

 

Tonight, H was so anxious to get on the men's phone call, he completely ignored my need for help with gathering some books, medicine, helping the boys...

 

So, I told him what a jerk he was being...he got mad. Resentful. Acted out...slammed the cell phone around, growled audibly at me.

 

Apologies came quickly after I e-x-p-l-a-i-n-e-d it a-l-l o-u-t to him.

 

I'm am weary of apologies. I need and deserve actual action steps and initiative.

 

I don't need a wife (responder) or a child. I AM the wife, and I have six children.

 

Figure it out Romans. You are NOT doing the job here.

 

Does anybody out there get what I am talking about?

 

Thanks friends...love y'all.

 

AW

[Looney_Tunes]

Gotcha.

 

Sweetie, you have to stop explaining. You're wearing yourself out. Let him figure it out, and then ASK YOU if he has it right. If he's totally clueless, he can get help here . . . the mens call would have been the perfect place for him to say, "Hey, this is what I said and she's totally ticked off and I don't get why."

 

Did he even read the last thing I posted on his thread?

 

I'm sorry, hon . . .

[Abigail]

Oh Aspie.

 

I'm so sorry for your aching body. It's just terrible to be injured and still be expected to be the mule or the machine, while your husband stays inside his own head or chases his own desires.

 

Just want to pop in and let you know that I care too.

 

Abigail

[aspiewife]

Thank you Abigail!

 

It means so much not to be alone tonight--

 

You are so kind and loving to check in...thanks so much for your compassion.

 

AW

[aspiewife]

Looney wrote:

 

We love you, Bruce, and we want you to get this, but it's time for you to start coming up with some solutions yourself. If we are constantly telling you what to do, you are simply exchanging one mommy for another . . . Sharon gets a bit of a break, but you are still not being proactive about healing her heart.

 

Thank you sister for this statement.

 

This is so true. I don't know what it will take for him to actually strive for his own solutions...

 

Meanwhile, his children, his wife, his family finances, his friends who have wanted to see him succeed, all of us suffer because he is obsessed with failing to do anything other than put himself first in his heart, and his life.

 

I dare not say more. I'm about to get really angry and snide.

 

AW

[neverdefeated2]

Checking in to see how your doing. The Lord has everything under control whether you see it or not. Will continue praying for your marriage and for husband to start and stay dedicated to being Christ-like. Don't give in God has better plans for you. Stay strong do what you feel is necessary for your spiritual, emotional, and physical healing.

 

Was at the lawyers today and was not sure to sign papers he wanted me to sign. Asked God for an answer. He gave me Is 43:18 & 19. Read it to my lawyer and he had secretary copy it. Wanted to give it to another client. Praise the Lord!!!

 

"Look at the new thing I am going to do. It is already happening. Don't you see it?. I will make a road in the desert and rivers in the dry land."

 

My lawyer gave me gas money for coming over. Made joke is this added to my bill. Scaring my h with civil case (injuries-physical and emotional) telling his lawyer either I get spousal support or the papers will be filled against him and his business. Civil suit against church for harassment (the letter they wrote me) Tough lawyer who is working for me and not against me. Really does want to take H to the mat.

 

Court case--H lost but judge gave him 3 more months to keep me away. Still saying I'm crazy and a threat to him. I just want this to be over and get some financial support. Would be nice just to stop and get a cheeseburger when I want to instead of driving past. Never went before judge. Lawyers talked and made decision. No jail time, no fine to pay, don't have to pay h's court costs. Never even seen my husband and doubt if he saw me. Had his sister (deaconess-church and his friend that is a girl-stalking testimony) Our God is an awesome God.

 

Should be posting this on my thread but don't want just anybody reading it. Never know if h will register or have a friend register. The helpers who read this can respond on mine if they want too. Will take a while for a new comer to figure out where to find me. I must be careful not to incriminate myself No signature or names.

[neverdefeated2]

Could a helper/administrator delete the above post after 5 days.

[Pure in Heart]

Bruce,

 

Let's get the big picture...it helps you get the PRINCIPLES....to understand what is required of you to SUCCEED.

 

Before J&K:

 

Wrong thinking wrong choices wrong behavior

 

WHY???? wrong teaching wrong truth led to acting out wrongly in your marriage producing wrong fruit

 

NOW: WHAT ARE YOU LEARNING?

 

You have Arrested Development(emotional immaturity).......Mother/Son issues.....you are STUCK.(SIN)...understand this is WHY you do what you do and what it is called so you now have knowledge...then you will not perish...this is what KEEPS you in IMMATURITY.....also known as the FLESH.

 

This is NOT an excuse to stay stuck.

 

Your FLESH (or actions,acting out or behavior)... keeps doing over and over again the same unhealthy and hurtful ways you learned to deal in relationships...YOU HURT YOUR WIFE....

 

Again, WHY??.... AD/MOTHER/SON ISSUES/SIN/FLESH.

 

WHAT DO YOU DO?? WHAT IS GOD'S PLAN?? HOW DO YOU GET UNSTUCK?

 

GOD'S PERSPECTIVE:

 

Ephesians 5:25...."husbands lay down (or give) your life FOR your wife."

 

WHY?? PURPOSE....GOAL To love and become MATURE=Christ-likeness.

 

HOW do I lay my life down? OR give my life for her?

 

A wife is created by God specifically to have NEEDS. NEEDS to be LOVED only with SACRIFICIAL LOVE(agape).

 

When YOU meet those NEEDS you grow up(mature)....the ACT of meeting needs IS INITIATING, GIVING, being a SOURCE.

 

These VERY ACTION(S) are called agape LOVE. When a man loves unconditionally, he is transformed and renewed and grows up and leaves behind his flesh and Arrested Development.

 

Why unconditional love?

 

Because you MEET HER NEEDS whether you FEEL like it or NOT. You meet needs because that is what you were created to DO to be a MAN/MASCULINE. Because your FLESH WILL TELL YOU NOT TO.

 

Each woman is created by God with a unique set of needs...no two women are alike..YOUR wife has wants, dreams, desires, spiritual needs, personality, gifts, talents and calling. Her husband "dwells with her with understanding" (1 Peter 3) and seeks to meet the needs of her heart in all these areas. His love is not conditioned upon what she does or does not give him. He only lays down his life to give to her to produce a response.

 

Because God commands it.

 

GOAL:

 

To become the man God created you to BE.

 

Why Does God ask the man for a season make it ALL about her?? Before he gets anything

 

A husband learns to put a death blow to his flesh from the beginning of this process.

 

Making it all about her, hearing her heart, her marriage manual, her wishes, her desires, her wants, her needs, etc.

 

He needs to restore the foundations of marriage since he destroyed them. To make a safe environment for her to heal.

 

The man has mind-sets of control and pride which strives against Christ-likeness. His wife is the ONLY one who is in the unique position to point that out to him and help him.

 

He demolished her in every way and is responsible to bring healing and restoration to her heart.

 

What happens when I don't meet needs?

 

She is UNLOVED. SHE is NOT cherished and adored. SHE FEELS crushed and left unfulfilled in her DESIRE to CONNECT TO HER HUSBAND.

 

When she feels unloved she is empty because her needs are NOT met. Therefore, she has NOTHING to GIVE BACK to her husband or RESPOND to.

 

That is what a woman was created to BE. TO BE A RESPONDER. Responses come from whatever she RECEIVES from her SOURCE. It is also HOW he delivers the GOODS TO HER...that also matters. Is the SOURCE joyful, cheerful, sacrificing, resentful, mean, whiny??

 

Whatever the SOURCE is GIVING...blessings or cursing...good and bad goes directly into the wife. She is the receiver...the containerHer corresponding response(emotional reactions) will perfectly match what came from the SOURCE. If he sowed seeds of love then he will reap love. He sowed seeds of destruction(fleshly attitudes and actions) then he reaps that from her(crying, distress, fear, mistrust, etc.)

 

What can SHE DO? WHAT IS HER PART? HER ROLE?

 

She is a HELP-MEET. God gives her a perfect, corresponding role to her husband. God gives YOU a MIRROR. She has a response mechanism...a knower....a gauge...a barometer...a pulse..an insight into what constitutes unChrist-like behavior(NOT LOVE) and what is good and pleasant(agape LOVE).

 

How does she know???

 

Because the accumulated abuses her husband has given to her. She KNOWS HIM.

 

She is also A MIRROR...that reflects what something looks like. When a wife looks weary...talks weary...acts weary...then the husband is WEARING HER DOWN BY NOT LOVING. If she is happy, upbeat, energy, loving him back..responding... then the SOURCE is life-giving(agape loving).

 

WHAT can she do if he does not stop abusing her?

 

Give consequences for abusive behavior. Allow him to reap the consequences of his choices. She does not take it and call it good or truth. She stands in opposition to ungodliness and unloving treatment.

 

How does this cause him to grow-up then??

 

Agape loving a wife causes a man to grow up and become a healthy, strong, mature man who relates well and represents Christ to his wife. He has to push against his flesh that tells him to NOT meet his wife's needs and treat her badly because he wants to be selfish and in control. He wants to hold love to himSELF instead of GIVE it to his wife.

 

When the HELP-MEET...points out all the behaviors and times he is being selfish and abusive...he has to die to his own flesh and listen to what she is telling him about WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO TO LOVE(loving actions) and WHAT HE MUST STOP DOING THAT IS ABUSIVE

 

(whatever abuse she points out...resentment, lying, anger, rage, porn, lust, second-looks, whining, self-pity, detaching, refusing intimacy, etc.)

 

You can not have LOVE with the FLESH in the way. The two are polar opposites.

 

TWO WAYS to AGAPE LOVE:

 

FIRST...he blesses her by INITIATING everything he can think of to LOVE her(laying down his life)....he makes sure the FIRST thing he does is love his wife. He eats, sleeps, breathes, and acts out love(20/20/20), gifts, words, sex, chores and tasks.

 

SECOND...You NEED your wife and give her total,complete, unabashed permission to point out what is in the way of connecting in relationship. Getting rid of ALL control.

 

So HOW do you know what is blocking love or what is the flesh?

 

Whatever is preventing you from MEETING NEEDS and therefore, not dying to self...therefore, wounding her. It is YOU not wanting to do this...it is the FLESH/AD/mother/son issues that MUST be pointed out and STOP having a "hissy" fit if she tells you....that is called control/resistance/stubbornness/passivity.

 

When she tells YOU. Telling means there is a listener on the other end of the conversation. You listen and let her, without a peep, without an argument tell you what to do and what not to do. If you do not listen then you are fleshy and STUCK. She gets you UNSTUCK. You are BLIND and she SEES.

 

Is that manipulation and her controlling me??

 

NO!!!!! It is STOPPING YOU...putting the brakes on ABUSE, your AD, your flesh, your M/S issues, your ungodly behavior and actions that STOP you from growing up and being an adult. From being CHRIST-LIKE.

 

What do I do if I mess up and hurt her again?

 

When you MISS the MARK....APOLOGIZE(L.O.V.E.) and get back on the horse.

 

Ride off into the sunset toward an OHM!!! Amen.

 

Kimberly

[aspiewife]

Dear ND,

 

So glad to hear from you...thanks for posting here. Will talk to helpers about your need to see about helping you with the privacy issue.

 

I was praying...checked for post from you again last night.

 

Praise God! He is moving on your behalf...especially that your lawyer went before judge so you didn't have to! Glory to God...His faithfulness endures to all generations.

 

Thank you for praying for my marriage--dealing with my H's behavior right now is frustrating but I can get through this.

 

God continues to open my eyes to the level of manipulation and control I was living in for so many years. No wonder I was so depressed and angry!

 

Love you ND...hugs to you and keep coming back here as you need to. I don't mind sharing my thread temporarily while we get ahold of helpers regarding your issue for privacy!

 

AW