Less Chris, More Christ...

[In His Steps]

Boundaries

 

 

1. Do NOT show up at the house, for any reason, without prior specific permission.

 

2. Communicate plans for/about kids with LORNA FIRST, then with the children- at which point you also need to confirm again with Lorna. This communication should be thru EMAIL with Lorna, then again after you have spoken with the kids, confirm those plans BY EMAIL with Lorna.

 

3. Do not specifically call Lorna, for any reason, unless absolute emergency (like, on death bed emergency) ALL communication should be thru email. it is ok to ask me how I am doing IF I answer or get on the phone when you call for the kids- but DO NOT CALL ME.

 

4. Do not give me 'pet names'- lovely, beautiful, my love... all those are crossing the line completely.

 

5. On the days you are at the house to watch the children, show up when we agree upon, and leave the house no later than 10:30pm

 

6. On SUNDAYS, you MUST follow the schedule for dinner, chores, and bedtimes for the children. NO EXCEPTIONS ON SUNDAYs.

Fridays you have flexibility within reason-- about 1/2 hour later (1 hour with Jacob ONLY) with bedtime, since we don't have to be up at any particular time on Saturday. However, chores still NEED to be completed before any game or movie time. ALL the kids can help clean up-- yes, even Elizabeth.

 

7. Stay OUT of Lorna's room.

[In His Steps]

Last night, I clearly stated to Lorna that I would not be at the house. When I stopped by to drop off a weekly gift in the mailbox, this was crossing the boundary that we had talked about earlier in the day. I need this help, seeing my abusive nature, and Lorna has truly been a blessing in helping me become more Christlike. I'm sure it was aggrivating to see that gift in the mailbox, and I'm sure she likes getting gifts, and hates that it has to be tainted with those feelings. I would imagine she felt devalued again, about her boundaries being disrespected, she probably felt like she can't count on me to listen again, and like I don't care about her needs and desires as a woman, the mother of our children and a person.

 

Everyone here, and especially Lorna, has been helping me to become a man who can respect boundaries, listens to Lorna and understands how my abuse majes her feel, and knowing in my heart how much I love her, I am truly sorry for the so many times I have created those feelings in her. She deserves respect, admiration and a Christlike man who can be strong for her. Thanks to everyone who is helping me become this kind of man.

 

I'll admit, I have a lot of emotional issues to work through, and living for Christ and loving Lorna is completely worth working through all of this. Our children deserve to grow into Christlike men and women, and the thought of our daughters marrying a man that would treat them the ways I have treated Lorna breaks my heart for them. Thinking of our sons growing into the kind of man that I've been, having to deal with the same emotional issues is just not fair to them. This change is needed, for Him, for Lorna and for the children. Malachi 2:15 "And what does He want? Godly children from your union."

 

Christ is worthy of this, our family is worthy of this. I want to help this turn around because I love them all so much. Sometimes I feel this is impossible. I struggle with the feelings I get of insecurity and honestly want to become a REAL man for my family. Looking forward to the blessings in the lessons, and growth for proving my love, in Jesus name.

 

Today, I talked to David about last night, and about respecting Lorna's boundaries. Being very clear about boundaries, and not crossing them. I talked to Tim about getting business going this coming week, and talked to our oldest son about getting some work done on his truck last night (he's pretty excited). I read in "Wild at Heart", read in the word, emailed Lorna, cleaned in the apartment, rearranged my bedroom, and went over some budget stuff. I also investigated some business ideas for/with Tim, making calls, and listened in on the men's call and the couple's call for a little while.

 

No more backward. Onward and upward, in Him.

 

Have had a pretty productive day. Hope everyone out there is having a good evening. Good night and God bless,

 

Chris

[In His Steps]

I was thinking about the gift in the mailbox last night, and I don't know if I even come close to the feelings Lorna felt. I don't want to trivialize what's happening in her heart, and feel sometimes like I am. I read on someone elses string of their wife's feelings of betrayal and being inconsiderate of how she would have felt, and I would imagine this was how Lorna felt this morning going to the mailbox. I hate making her feel this way, and appreciate her heart in helping me see the ways I DO make her feel. To be honest, there was a feeling in me of hoping no one would see me in front of the house, and this was probably the Holy Spirit speaking to me about what was going on, trying to help me.

 

I want to become the best listener for Lorna that is possible. She deserves this, she deserves someone in her life that cares more about her than himself, and I truly desire to prove that I want to be that man. Thanks again to everyone's help in opening my heart to Lorna's needs, especially Lorna.

 

Good night (again) and God Bless,

 

Chris

Edited January 9, 2011 by In His Steps

[In His Steps]

Today, church was DEAD on. I've been missing the mark in thinking, " I need to get this," and forgetting, "He is GOD!"

 

Things went really well at the house tonight, all in all. I watched the children tonight,I still have a lot of work to do in learning how to schedule my time with the children and getting things done in a timely manner. Even though, it is so rewarding to say "I love you," to any of the children, and it's like the look in their eyes says, " I know you do,". Practice, practice, practice. Tonight I tried a devotional with the middle two oldest children, and it didn't really go over well. They have a hard time believing in God's love because they have prayed for years for change in me to no avail. They don't believe because they haven't seen, and this is one of such huge motivations to get and run with this.

 

Having said this, Lorna has given such appreciated grace in learning how to take care of the children, and be there for the children, and get a few things done also. She always has, and I don't want to abuse this. I just want to get better for our entire family; they all deserve a man with an open and caring heart to care for and love them. I truly want to be this man, and so appreciate every lesson. I'm seeing that Lorna has never needed perfection, just to try and put real effort in without spending my time on myself. I believe in her heart, and believe that God s sowing me how to become a Christlike man through her heart. What better blessing could there be.

 

Hope everything is going well tonight with everyone. You all have helped me so much. Sending blessings and love your way tonight, in Jesus name,

 

God Bless,

 

Chris

[In His Steps]

Today, Lorna helped me become a better parent for our children. She and the children deserve the very best of me, and as David challanged me today, they REALLY deserve me to push for becoming the best I can. I put the baby to bed in a onesie last night. The house was cold and the baby woke up crying not long after Lorna got home because she was cold. Lorna didn't get much sleep because I didn't care for our child in an appropriate way.

 

Today, I talked to David about understanding where I act out and why. It became so clear in my heart, finally, that I become angry/abusive/have a fit because I feel a need to recapture my sense of power. And I do this because when I was young that power was taken from me, and I learned how to regain that from ______________. And had I grown in Christ, that sense of power would never have been an issue, because in Christ we are truly loved. BUT that being said, there are no excuses for abuse. It IS wrong and always will be. I read in Wild at Heart today that Christ wants to help us know (as Adam Knows eve, intimately and right to the heart) we are capable of handling what He brings to us. I have never felt capable of being a good parent, a good husband. Had I listened with open ears and an open mind, Lorna has been telling HOW to be a better parent and husband for a long time.

 

I'm learning every day how to appreciate not only how Lorna has been trying to help me all along, but the level of abuse and pain she has been in for so long. And I have the deepest desire to bring healing for those wounds I've caused, to fill up those voids I've left in her heart. And thank God that He never gives up on us, that He continues to teach us and is there for us, helping us become EVERYTHING He designed us to be.

 

Looking forward to being the best man for my bride, the best father for our children, the best follower He has created me to be. In Jesus name,

Amen.

 

Have a good night, and God Bless,

 

Chris

[In His Steps]

I will post in more depth before bed time, but for right now I am sitting here dumbfounded with my abusive nature. I want to cry for how I have made Lorna feel, remembering a specific incident.

 

I was reading in Wild At Heart, how God initiates a man. And in a certain part of the book, John Eldridge talks about how God renames Peter, and Paul, and Abraham and Sarah, and so many others. How God gives us the name He meant us to have, and relates that to giving a white stone. A cleansing, and pure and new name. After reading this book the first time, I NOW remember that Lorna was so excited about my growth in Christ, becoming a husband to her and father to our children. She gave me a stone, and related it to the story in the book.

 

I also remember not connecting the emotional side of the symbol she was trying to recreate for ME. And how that must have felt when it wasn't all that special to me soon after this wonderful gift. I couldn't tell you where that stone is today, I couldn't tell you that I much cared about the stone and what it meant. I probably hurt her very deeply by dismissing that gift. She has ALWAYS cared so much about my growth, about seeing me become who she saw in me from the beginning. I am glad I can see it now, and press on toward that goal. Strength in Him is so relieving, so rewarding. He has given me a new name. A new identity that I am sure I don't fully understand, and am still so proud to be called His son.

 

To be strong for Him, be strong for the ones I love because He calls me to that and loves them also. What a gift. I look forward to walking this out, to His glory.

 

Blessings,

 

Chris

[In His Steps]

Last night I learned an awesome lesson about mine and Lorna's marriage. I wrote the following in an emial to Lorna after:

 

Hope you and the children had a great night together, and you’ve had some time to relax tonight. That was the perfect picture tonight of how God intended us to be I think. I remember so many times we talked about going into business, or working together where you would be the brains behind my muscle! We have always made a really good team when we’re working together the right way. I would imagine that I’ve made you feel very inferior, not allowing you to use your God given gifts, and I ask your forgiveness for those feelings and not allowing our marriage to happen the way it should have. The way God designed it.

 

It started with Lorna asking me come by the house to help move some heavy furniture upstairs for the schoolroom she has been putting together for the children. When I got there she asked me to look at the wifi she had bought, to see if I could get it running. I looked at it, and after I didn't know what to do to get it running, instead of admitting that and letting it go, I kept plugging away and frustrated Lorna where I should have explained that I didn't know what it needed. I'm sure throughout our marriage I treated Lorna like she wasn't smart, like I needed to figure everything out because if I didn't it wouldn't get figured out, and that was completely degrading to her. I KNOW Lorna is smart, that was one of my favorite attractions to her. Her confidence, her intelligence, her charisma. She is a beautiful woman, and she deserves to feel capable. After admittng to myself that I don't need to know everything, that it's o.k. that I didn't figure something out where she did, there was no power left to feel " lousy " about being inadaquate. And that to me was very encouraging. To see the picture of how our relationship was meant to be was awesome.

 

Today I talked to David about this, and got some feedback about becoming Christlike and having strength to know I don't have to control someone because I can't figure everything out. We also talked about keeping on top of learning and stretching and growing, not letting anything slip, but keeping adding to what I need to do to become a Christlike man.

 

I watched a movie for a break in between learning more about business, working on my budget, entering data into a spreadsheet for work, cleaning in the apartment, calling and talking to Tim about business, talking to the children, reading in the word and getting on the calls this evening.

 

Had a pretty productive snow day today. Looking to become a Chrislike man, bringing healing to the hearts of the ones I love the most, and living this life for Him.

 

God bless,

 

Chris

[In His Steps]

Today, I talked to Lorna and the children this morning and this evening. Lorna and I had a talk about our oldest son and his needs as a son, a Child of God, and what he has needed from me all along. Love, affection, strength to draw from. We also talked about taking initiative in helping around the house, not just doing as told but being able to think for myself and take the next step in things that need to be done. We talked about hurts that I've caused in our family, our oldest children and Lorna's heart. I don't like being vague, but a lot of this was pretty sensitive, so those parts I'll leave out.

 

I talked to David about initiating and taming back my mind. I got food for the family after work, and then headed to the plasma center. I read in the word, separated food and packed it up for delivering tomorrow, I took some time and watched a movie, emailed Lorna about Saturday's plans, read on the forum for a little bit and called into the conference calls to talk to David about an email that Lorna sent me tonight.

 

Today I've been reflecting on what it means to be a husband. To love and give love. To accept and listen. To love someone else more than I love myself, and allow real and lasting change to make differences in my heart. To have an open heart, and give of that open heart. To be aware of how your actions (or inactions) would hurt your bride and your children, AND do the best you can to be there for your family (emotionally, spiritually, financially, in every way).

 

There is a lot of walking to do, and I am just so very thankful to be on the path. Trusting God and leaning not on my own understanding (honestly that's still a struggle, I want to understand still, but I'm walking). Believing that He knows whats best for our famly, for Lorna's heart and for my own heart. To give him control of my life, and allow Hm to work in and through me. To believe that His plan is good, for ALL of our family.

 

Longing to bring healing for the so many wounds I've created, emotionally connect with my bride and children, and hoping to become a whole and healed family all to His glory!

 

In Jesus name, amen!

 

God Bless,

 

Chris

[In His Steps]

Today I talked to David about initiating and being a man. Walking through fears to give a chance to happen what I so desire, the restoration of our family. I talked to Tim about stepping up my time in business with him, as I am no longer employed by the food bank. I talked to Lorna about this and felt like this was really going to cause a lot of stress and anxiety, especially with how I've reacted to this kind of loss over the years. Not to mention the loss of income and how this will play out for making weekly payments.

 

Today, I have committed my heart to God. No turning around, no turning back, no giving up. Living this life for Him. I can no longer look myself in the eye and say, " I'm o.k., I got it!" because without Him, I don't have it. I am committed to living for Him, in my family, my employment, in this ministry, for His cause in my life.

 

I don't even want to try to do this without Him anymore, when I ever have it has never lead to anything worth while. Only in Him is this life worth anything.

 

I hope to bring healing to Lorna's heart and restore our marriage. I hope to bring healing to our children's hearts, and never see them go through the pain of living without Him. I hope to become the best friend, neighbor and employee I can possibly be, in Him.

 

Learning to walk in His steps,

 

God Bless,

 

Chris

[In His Steps]

Today has been a day to regroup and refocus. I've spent some time praying and figuring out where I went wrong with this job, and am determined not to let it happen again. I've also spent some time getting things set up for working with Tim, getting a plan together to make sure I can take care of my family, and talking to David about some direction and wisdom for what has recently happened.

 

I've cleaned in the apartment, talked with the children, read the word a little, prayed for our family and my bride, and have been reflecting on some thoughts Lorna has expressed to me lately. Thoughts about protecting my own heart over being honest, about being a Christlike man on the job, about emotionally connecting, about being a provider in it's complete sense, becoming a man who loves his bride and children.

 

I'll be reading in Wild at Heart for just a few minutes, and getting ready for church in the morning. God Bless, everyone. Hope you're havng a good night tonight.

 

Chris.

[In His Steps]

I was requested to post this on here, an email written to Tim:

 

Sorry to hear about the wear and tear, know it can get tiring very quickly. Spoke the truth to Lorna AFTER trying to cover for my ego, and told her that my supervisor told me that my performance was not up to par. I told him I was constantly in touch with my immediate supervisor about my performance, and I was told every time that there were no issues. Then my boss tol me it was due to my down time, and I asked him to explain, to which he didn’t. It was a very involved conversation, to which I did learn that I did a very good job performing my tasks, and yet took too much time away from my job on my brakes. God has been revealing this to me through this whole process.

 

 

 

Anyway, I’ve already filed unemployment through the net, and have the necessary paperwork on it’s way. I found out this morning that the state office will be closed Monday, MLK day. And that might include the Library, not sure, but will find out asap.

 

 

 

I am planning on making calls Monday for work, calling and talking with you about getting a basic script (hopefully this can work out with time and stuff) and start making calls to these law offices. I will be searching for at least part time employment, so that I know I can make my 320/wk payments to Lorna. I’ll also be dong everything I can about getting this list finished up as soon as possible. I have a lot of tme on my hands and will not waste it. I haven’t made any promises about what business will be doing, and am not feeling like it’s just going to take off, although I’m hoping and praying it will. I’m excited about the prospesct, but need to be realistic about the short term goals also (being providing for Lorna and the children also, providing for my rent, making sure something is coming in immediately)

 

 

 

Looking forward to really getting this off the ground really soon. Praying for good things to come, committing my tme and energy to a good cause and good future.

 

 

 

Talk later, God Bless,

 

 

 

Chris

[In His Steps]

I was thinking about this job situation, and realizing today that 1. I've never gotten anywhere until now because I haven't been honest with anyone including myself, and 2. God allows things to happen in life so that we can learn how to become the kind of people He needs us to be, and that I'm very blessed to have a God who loves me enough to correct me.

 

Having said that, I've also been thinking about how this plays into being a better parent for our children. I am the way I am because in my parents arrestedness, they would rather have felt good about being a good parent than deal with my dislke of their correcting me and actually helping me become a better me. My children are the way they are because I've always wanted to feel good about being "good Daddy" and left Lorna feeling like garbage because she had to be the one correcting the children. She has loved them more than I could even imagine, ready to stand and fight for their future. I owe her so much respect and admiration for the parent of our chlildren she has been.

 

Today I talked to David for 8 minutes and 37 seconds about how to talk to a woman, if I'm interested in a woman then I need to show her I'm interested in her. To prove it. I talked to Tim about the ASP test I took back in October, and how I can use those strengths to overcome the weeknesses of my personality. I was blessed with the opportunity to parent our children tonight, spent some time making a yummy treat with out mddle daughter, playing cars with our youngest son, made lunch and dinner for the family, had the opportunity to talk with our oldest children, gave our middle son his first guitar lesson, played Wii with our oldest son for a few, and watched a Garfield cartoon with our oldest daughter. I also did some house cleaning, helped organize the children into getting their chores done so they could get to Bble Quizzing and Youth Group tonight.

 

I'm having a problem dealing with our oldest two children. I understand that my negative behavior with them has caused a lot of hurt in their hearts, and desire so badly to overcome that. Tonight, our oldest daughter told me that " She's not even a Christian, and doesn't believe in God," which broke my heart. I pray for them constantly, and try to live a witness to them. I don't believe that anything is going to turn around over night, and I do believe that she really wants to believe in God, but is finding it hard to see Him with everything that has happened in our family really since she has been born.

 

Last week she was having a personal moment, where I was trying to help her organize her room. She was trying to talk over me, as she does many times these days. She broke down at one point crying and said, " Why does this have to happen! Why do you and mommy have to be separated!" and I owned everything with her right then and there. I'm not sure this is what she was trying to talk about, it almost seemed like a slip, but it came out. She's hurting. Sometimes I feel like I don't have what it takes to bring healing to that wound, and so badly want to. Our oldest son, I think, deep down believes in God, and has shut down to that because the ways he has seen Him in me (despicable, uninterested, loathing, mean). And I can't just "take it away", there's so much work to be done to overcome the ways I've treated everyone in our family. I believe God can and is ready to work miracles, I even think He already is.

 

So many issues to work through, praying for wisdom and strength to keep plugging away. Praying for healng and peace in the hearts of those love. In Jesus name.

 

Good night and God Bless,

 

Chris

Edited January 17, 2011 by In His Steps

[TimothyPaul]

Good Morning Chris;

 

Last week she was having a personal moment, where I was trying to help her organize her room. She was trying to talk over me, as she does many times these days. She broke down at one point crying and said, " Why does this have to happen! Why do you and mommy have to be separated!" and I owned everything with her right then and there. I'm not sure this is what she was trying to talk about, it almost seemed like a slip, but it came out. She's hurting. Sometimes I feel like I don't have what it takes to bring healing to that wound, and so badly want to. Our oldest son, I think, deep down believes in God, and has shut down to that because the ways he has seen Him in me (despicable, uninterested, loathing, mean). And I can't just "take it away", there's so much work to be done to overcome the ways I've treated everyone in our family. I believe God can and is ready to work miracles, I even think He already is.

 

The greatest healing you are going to do will take time and your patience.

 

It is by following out this path with actions that your children will see the Holy Spirit at work within you. When they see it within you, it will come through you and you will start to become the example they need to see. It will take a long time before that will start to bring the healing that they need, but it will happen.

 

Become a Christlike man, and just let your children experience that. Do not fret over the past. God has a miraculous way of working the new Chris as a vessel to bring blessings and healing to your children.

 

TP

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

Chris,

 

One thing to be ever mindful of with your older children as you seek to heal their wounds is to make sure that you don't inadvertently give them the impression that YOU have changed and things could be back to normal if only LORNA would accept you back. You do NOT want your children to become resentful toward Lorna. That will be very hurtful to them AND Lorna.

 

Sounds great, though.

 

Also, employers do not rid themselves of good employees. So, if you were doing a great job, they would not have gotten rid of you. So, it is very important to be honest with yourself and really figure out what you were NOT doing that they wanted you to do, and what you were doing that they didn't want you to.

 

My guess is that you were spending too much time during work on your personal life, and not enough time actually working. I know it is a difficult balance to strike right now, because everything with your family seems so urgent, but you will have to figure it out, because work and maintaining a good job is important to Lorna.

 

Take Care,

Julie

[TimothyPaul]

Hey Chris,

 

I just want to support what Julie said...

 

One thing to be ever mindful of with your older children as you seek to heal their wounds is to make sure that you don't inadvertently give them the impression that YOU have changed and things could be back to normal if only LORNA would accept you back. You do NOT want your children to become resentful toward Lorna. That will be very hurtful to them AND Lorna.

 

This is exactly what happened here with C. Julie is 100% dead on. I didn't even realize it until C said he hated Mom. When I asked why, he said, because you are doing everything right and Mom is doing everything wrong. Ahhhh!!!!!

 

My guess is that you were spending too much time during work on your personal life, and not enough time actually working. I know it is a difficult balance to strike right now, because everything with your family seems so urgent, but you will have to figure it out, because work and maintaining a good job is important to Lorna.

Julie gets one of David's DING DING DING's

 

This seems to be a trend for most of the guys I see... and this is exactly what Joel warns about constantly.

 

Take Julie advice to heart, she is right on the money! TP

[In His Steps]

Julie and Tim, Thanks for your encouraging words. Everyone's help through this process has been such a blessing, especially Lorna's. You all are helping me become more like my Father every day, and I truly and deeply appreciate your wisdom and insights.

 

Today, I talked with David about connecting with Lorna. About being a man for such a remarkable woman. I talked to Tim about business, making plans for the near future and communicating them, about my pesonality test and the strengths/ pitfalls to use/ overcome. I worked on business, read for a lttle bit in the word, and talked with the children this morning. I'll be reading in Wild at Heart here in just a few, and most likely end the night in the word. I also had the opportunity to be with one of our children that Lorna dropped of with me on her way to work, seems as though he hasn't been as diligent with his school work as he lead Lorna to believe. And again, Lorna helped me become a better parent this evening, giving me advice as to dealing with P.'s behavior with not wanting to DO the schoolwork he had been assigned.

 

Tomorrow, I'll be looking for work and working on getting temporary assistance. I'll be plugging away with working with Tim, and looking forward to connecting with Lorna and our children. Tim read some interesting things to me about my personality this evening, some really cool, and some that I need to work hard at overcoming. I'll be more specific tomorrow.

 

It's been a pretty good day, the Lord has blessed me with His Spirit. Hoping to become that man that brings healing to my family. I love you guys very much, and pray blessings and peace on every home out there, in Jesus name.

 

Good night and God Bless,

 

Chris

[In His Steps]

P.S.

 

New England Lost, and that so totally STINKS!!

 

But, God I'm certain has a big plan for them!

 

Chris

Edited January 18, 2011 by In His Steps

[In His Steps]

Tonight, I watched a movie that epitomizes God's exact vision for marriage. A young man, unsure of himself, looking to buy the ehart of a beauty he never should have had. On a journey to growing into the man he was meant to become, he discovers the gift of true love. This true love watches from above, longing to gain the only thing in this world that is eternal, love.

 

And when she is feeling loved, she is glowing. When he loves her, he becomes a man. And nothing on EARTH can overcome the powerful team they become.

 

Sometimes the exact thing we long for is right under our noses, and we strive for, fill that desire with fake treasures, and make light of the very gift that God brings to our hearts. The gift that has the power to create in us the US that He designed all along. I miss my bride.

 

If you haven't, and get the chance, every man out there who truly desires to become the MAN God is calling him to become should see the movie "Stardust".

 

God Bless,

 

Chris.

[In His Steps]

Some email conversation between Lorna and myself last night and today:

 

I called Camden, they said the check made out to greystone is fine, and their address in Lewiston is 110 Canal St., at the corner of Chestnut and Canal. I talked with their rep., and they said you cannot assume the mortgage. I was thinking, maybe we could make it out to where I co-sign and you mortgage, and then after a certain period we could take me of the mortgage.

 

I am not concerned over this. If it takes time, I am in no hurry, and I will not do anything to the mortgage. I love you and want you to be secure in knowing nothing could happen, and that is my only concern, your feeling of security and knowing it's ok.

 

I am totally open to however you would prefer to handle this, in any way.

 

Hope you're having a good day, I'll call in a little while.

 

God Bless,

 

Chris

 

Well, as long as I talk with the town and figure out how to get the deed in just my name, it will be fine. Sorry it's going to take longer. I didn't really think of the fact that they would want a work history. my mistake.

 

Lorna

 

Sounds good. Let me know what you find out. And no need for apologies, you never wanted any of this to happen this way. I should be apologizing to you.

 

God is in control, and He has awesome plans for us! Plans for good! I keep thinking about Jer. 29:11, great scripture. No more letting the enemy have God's blessings!

 

If there's anything you need from me in this, I'm more than willing to help in any way you need. Hope you and the children are enjoying your movie tonight. I remember how much it touched the both of us in the theater, great movie.

 

And you'll always be the best cook I've ever known. God Bless,

 

Chris

 

you have any idea how horribly fake you are?

 

It is so disgusting.

 

I read your last email reply, and was wondering what it is about what I wrote that makes me fake. I have real feeling and cares for you and the children, and you deserve for them to come across that way. I appreciate you pointing that out to me, I don’t want to be fake anymore.

 

This coming Thursday, I’m hopng to make it down to the career center, making some headway with this data entry with Tim, and putting out some applications/ making calls about some jobs. Tim and I have talked about a VERY basic script and I’m hoping to make some calls starting this Thursday.

I’m basically planning on hitting the market until I’ve got a new job going. Would you please pray for me in this, I would love to get a job that would allow time for you and the children, and be making enough money to support us all. I’m expecting good things with Americasgate, and know it’s going to take some time to get off the ground, but I’m dedicated to making this happen and putting in the time I need to make it happen.

 

If there’s anything you need of me, though, I will make a way to help you. I’ll also keep you updated about any changes with getting a job. Hope you and the children had a good night together tonight. I’m sure this storm kept everyone in most of the day, and I’ll bet that Wii has come in really handy to entertain the cabin fever. Anyway, I’ll be in touch in the morning,

 

what makes you fake....hmmmm could it be that never once in our entire marriage have you ever been concerned with "God's plans" for us, what the word said about ANYTHING, what I said about anything that I believed, or what I thought. Never once did you care that GOD had a different plan, no matter what, no matter when.. But NOW, all the sudden, we are divorced, and you are trying to make yourself look awesome to everyone else, and you are being someone completely spiritual, completely 'focused' on what God supposedly wants for US---which in YOUR mind, is now for us to be connected, and one, and TOGETHER...

 

It's NEVER been that before, in fact, you tried for our whole relationship to get away from me, you kept yourself from being spiritually minded. You made the CHOICE to be separate from me, and from God for our whole relationship. And now, now that we are diviorced, now that I am DONE with you, Now, that I don't want to have anything to do with you, now you ACT like God's plan and God's word and God's work is what is most important to you, and I am just supposed to believe your empty words?????

 

You don't try to connect with me.... You don't love ME. You don't care about me... Sure you care about the kids... everyday they get a 'how are you doing today?" EVERYDAY..once, twice, even three times sometimes. How are you? Do you have anything you want to talk about? Are you having any problems? EVERYDAY.. what do I get? I get "here are my plans, I am busy with this this this this this this and this... but IF you need anything, I will change ALL THAT STUFF (which I KNOW is a flat out lie, by the way) and be there for you... NO, you won't. You can't just stop everything and rearrange everything on any given day. I am not that stupid. So, I get a list of everything you need to do... That's so very connecting... that is so caring.. wow... that is not even really all that informative.

 

If I give you a list of all the colors I want of paint for the house in the next year, are you going to automatically KNOW what I am doing with them?? Sure, you could assume, but would you KNOW?? If I am reading a book, do you just automactically KNOW what that book means for me? Or what I see differently about my life or that book and what it says??

 

You give me list upon list upon list upon list. all the things that you are doing- but honestly, what on earth do all these lists mean?

 

You have a focus... working on work. you have a focus. reading a book. posting on the forum... talking to David.... talking to Tim. you certainly are sharing your life with them.. even with Joel. you talk with them, you can talk with them about anything... You automatically assume that I am going to read what you write on the forum. You automatically assume that everything you write there is a direct line to me. You automatically assume that all these lists are meaning something to me. But what are they supposed to mean? that you care? You tell everyone else what you are thinking, what you are learning, what is DIFFERENT.

 

And you still avoid reaching out to me. reaching out.. you know, actually TRYING to connect with me. For crying out loud, you would TRY once a month when we were married, when you wanted sex... so is this really any different? You would tell me before all the THINGS you were doing to try and win me before. And guess what, you would get frustrated and upset when it 'wasn't what i wanted." and ask me why we couldn't just be happy, and what I expected you to do.

 

You completely ignore ME... You are totally focused ON YOU. What you are doing.. Look at me everybody----look at how hard I am trying. look at all I am doing. Surely this will win her back. Surely this will give her what she has been looking for. Certainly she will want me back. thats all it is. plain and simple--- list after list after list-- trying to convince everyone why Lorna should take Chris back... and see, all that does is make ME look like the unreasonable one when I say NO.. this isn't what I am looking for.. I am looking for connection... I am looking for a passion AND compassion.. Empathy. Love. CONSIDERATION. Effort. LOVE. I am looking for someone who thinks of ME, not just himself.

 

You are still so terribly stuck on your SELF. SO when you give this scripture to back up your thoughts, you sound absolutely and totally FAKE- because I KNOW THE TRUTH...that you are still totally focused on YOU

 

you don't need to forward this to David.. I am copying him in...

 

so, if you were really trying to be REAL.. I mean, really REAL, with everyone... why is it that NONE of my emails show up on your string?? Only the ones from you that make you look good?? not one of these emails that would tell everyone where things REALLY are, but only the ones that protect YOUR feelings and make you look like you are trying to turn this great guy that every woman would love.

I read over your email, and at least wanted to aclnowledge that.

 

I'm going to take a little time to read and re-read this. You've spoken so much from your heart, and you deserve a real response. Please don't take this as rejection, I never want to convey that, but I need a little time to process what you've written.

 

I don't want to leave you hanging with this, so I'll reply to your email right after lunch today.

 

Hope you and the kids are having a great day together. I'll call tonight to see how everybody's doing and see how your day went.

 

God Bless,

 

Chris

 

im confused, it IS right after lunch here!

 

what time zone do you live in??

 

I'm out getting my prescription refill and running to Fleet Truck t get a new copy of my W2, it somehow got crossed in the mail.

 

Anyway, i'll be back at the apartment by 1:30ish.

 

God Bless,

 

Chris

 

so you had NO real intention of thinking thru that email and replying to it after lunch at all. just another nail in the coffin being buried in the ground... make it a nice strong nail!

 

You wrote so much to me this morning and it’s so important to me to address those. Yes I have a hard time relying on God, so much of this is new to me, and I’ve never been one to put my faith in Him. I’m now seeing that this would have brought so much connection between us, and I can no longer live in my strength, because when I do I hurt you, I hurt the children and I hurt myself. Everyone in my life has suffered very deeply because of the ways I have treated and neglected the most important relationships in my life.

 

You deserve so much more, and instead of pulling strength and belief from God, I’ve continuously drawn that from you. That hasn’t ever been fair to you, it never will be fair to you. As your husband I was meant to be the source of strength, and I didn’t believe that I weas strong enough to do that.

 

I fix my hope in him. I fix my hope and prayers in His miracles, what He can do. I had every intention to replying to your email, after lunch. I’ve been out of the house since 11:00 this morning, and just got back, and I know that does nothing for the feelings you’ve been going through over whether I am going to reply or not, but that is the truth. I love you and you deserve so much more than just the piddly garbage I’ve given you every year, every moment of our lives together.

 

The truth is that your heart is beautiful, you are beautiful, and to connect wth you is sometimes scary. Not because I don’t want to , but because I feel like I will fail, like I’m not good enough. I get butterflies over talking to you, not because I don’t want to but because you are so important to me and I want to be so much for you. The truth is that I love you with my ENTIRE heart, and am scared to death of losing something I’ve already lost. The beauty of what we should have been is so overwhelming some times that I cry, because you deserve a real life with the man you love. You deserve to give your heart and not have it rejected, not be important. You deserve strength, support, encouragement, a reakl chance to LIVE, and live life to the fullest, the way God created.

 

I was listening on the calls last night, and a woman spoke up saying that God showed her that when her husband loves her th3e way he is called to, she will FEEL God’s love surrounding her. This picture is AWESOME, it’s encouraging, it brings me hope, to know that is who God has created me to be. And not only for you and your heart, but for our children. And even more, is the pcture of love that you have to give. The picture of you being loved. The picture of seeing you shine, just lke in that movie, “Stardust”. You are awesome, and if given the chance to ever take you as my bride again, I would be forever grateful.

 

His strength, His love, His security has all been placed in me to be there for you and the children, and that is EXACTLY who I want to be. To love you, not because I need you to fix me, but because you are an amazing person, you are worthy of loving, you I will trust with my entire heart.

 

I would imagine that your days are so wracked with lonliness and longing for a true husband, one to hold you and be there for you. One to bless your long beautiful socks right off. One who is strong, courageous, comforting, loving and tender. He has made me to be all of these, and I can’t imagine giving this to anyone but you. It would be a tragedy in my mind to ever imagine moving on. I’ve said a lot of things in anger and hurt, and I’ve caused even more hurt, and I will forever be sorry for that. You’ve deserved so much more, the connection, the intimacy, the romance, the love. REAL love.

 

His heart is alive in me, and at times I’m scared of it. I have things need to walk through, and it is scary. BUT YOU are more than worth any amount of fear that the enemy has ever tried to keep me in bondage to. I will fight for you, because you deserve real love.

 

I love you, I always will. In Him,

 

Chris

 

No, the reality is, that you had no intention of working through that email when you wrote that message to me at 1pm already after lunchtime, there already was NO TIME to work thru it "JUST AFTER LUNCH" especially if you were out of the house already, and knew you were not able to do that. So the reality is, it's another one of those, I will tell her something to make her 'feel' like I am doing something good for now, but I really KNOW I can't do it right now. but it will at least hold her off for now.

 

This is assanine. DON'T TELL ME YOU ARE GOING TO DO SOMETHING unless you CAN DO IT.

 

I get things getting in the way... but the reality is, you already KNEW THOSE THINGS were in the way when you wrote the email!! YOU LIED TO ME. And you can't even see it or admit it. YOU HAVE TO DEFEND YOURSELF INSTEAD.

 

You are not going to get anywhere with me. You simply can't see the truth, even when it's right in front of your face...

 

Please, any feedback is very welcome.

 

Thanks, and God Bless,

 

Chris

Edited January 20, 2011 by In His Steps

[desertrose]

Hello, I am not a helper so I have never responded to your thread but when I read your wife's messages I could relate to her heart. Her original message was shouting PERSUE ME!

 

You don't try to connect with me.... You don't love ME. You don't care about me... Sure you care about the kids... everyday they get a 'how are you doing today?" EVERYDAY..once, twice, even three times sometimes. How are you? Do you have anything you want to talk about? Are you having any problems? EVERYDAY.. what do I get? I get "here are my plans, I am busy with this this this this this this and this... but IF you need anything, I will change ALL THAT STUFF (which I KNOW is a flat out lie, by the way) and be there for you... NO, you won't.

 

Maybe start more proactively asking those questions of her...if you feel you already are, ask more often.

 

Also, you told her you would respond to her after lunch. Part of her angry response is because she shared her heart and you dismissed her...I don't have time for you right now. The other part is because you made a commitment you couldn't keep. "After lunch" is very vague. Next time pick a time you think you can reply by and then add another hour so you can be sure you follow-through. Then drop EVERYTHING to get it done...nothing is more important that L, right? Part of your maturing process right now seems to making promises and KEEPING them.

 

You seem to really love your wife but are still at the point where you are very focused on how you feel...not always pushing through to meet her needs. It doesn't bless me to know how much I am paining my husband.

 

The truth is that your heart is beautiful, you are beautiful, and to connect wth you is sometimes scary. Not because I don’t want to , but because I feel like I will fail, like I’m not good enough. I get butterflies over talking to you, not because I don’t want to but because you are so important to me and I want to be so much for you.

[dory]

Desert rose makes a good point in the previous post, please reread that one. I don't wish to come along and white-wash that.

 

so you had NO real intention of thinking thru that email and replying to it after lunch at all. just another nail in the coffin being buried in the ground... make it a nice strong nail!

 

Its is very clear that the least little infraction by you is HIGHLY irritating to her at this long last point in time. Her is reply would be a little over the top for someone who was in ministry working towards and OHM (J&K would reel her in a bit), but she is not that wife anymore. She is a free woman refraining from seeing another man at this point ONLY because of her commitment to the Lord. You have not won her heart back.

 

And yet.... SHE STILL POURS ALL THIS OUT TO YOU.

 

And yet ... SHE WAS STILL LOOKING FOR YOUR RESPONSE after lunch as you said you would do.

 

Why? Why would she care? It "seems" to me (because I have not talked with her nor do i wish to put words in her mouth that are not there, but) it SEEMS to me that she is still holding out hope that God will honor her obedience. She is trusting that God will remove her feelings of oppression by hoping to bring about change in you somehow, someway.

 

Maybe there is some change, for I do see some. But its obviously not enough to bring healing to her broken heart.

 

Time to truly understand HER pain rather than hoping for her and others to understand you.

 

IF you could have ANTICIPATED her pain at the non-kept promise, then at the very least you could have sent a quick note ahead of time that might have read: "I know I said I would respond after lunch, but a prescription and a W2 are more important to me right now."

 

And upon typing this note, which would have been the RIGHT thing to do to focus on her first, if as you typed, you felt the Holy Spirit telling you how idiotic these words were, you might just have REALIZED what the right thing to do would have been.

 

YOu see? While the wife isn't exactly the Holy Spirit in the relationship, her presence is the closest manifestation of it. Her presence and YOUR FOCUS on her presence is what allows the Holy Spirit to talk and or convict you. (Similar to how YOUR presence is supposed to be the closest thing to a healing Jesus in the relationship for her.) This is EXACTLY WHY men who no longer have their wives have a harder time hearing from the Holy Spirit. Through that venting note, she gave you a gift. She gave you a chance to hear her, a chance to help her rid herself of that poison, and a chance to apply some healing balm to it. Instead of taking her up on that opportunity, you blew it off for a prescription and a W2 form. What harm would have come to you if you put off the prescription and the W2 for tomorrow? Or after work?

 

Chris, stop, slow down, put your feelings at the foot of the cross and go rescue her heart like you would run towards a child who was just hit by a truck and just needs to be held, and comforted, and reassured that help is on the way. This has got to be what her heart feels like.

 

We DO see changes, and we can pat you on the back that which you choose to share with us. But you've GOT to be open to more changes - the ones that make a difference to HER. We will walk alongside you and offer help, but it is not OUR judgment that can save your family. It is your relationship to HER. Her HEART is your roadmap.

[In His Steps]

More email correspondence between Lorna and I:

 

I hurt you when I gave up on Christ, confessed I didn’t want to be like Him. That was what we had founded our marriage on (Lord Lift Us Up)

 

I hurt you when you were pregnant with Natalie when I didn’t make time for us. I probably made you feel undesirable, unloved, unimportant to me, and I am so sorry.

 

I hurt you when I quit my job just before we got married, and probably made you feel very insecure about our future. I took away your safety in knowing you would be provided for.

 

I’m sorry for taking away the safety of our family, of me being a good father to Jacob when I made light of him having mono.

 

I’m sorry for taking away the closeness and openness in our relationship when I lied about the aloe plant.

 

I’m sorry for causing you to not trust me by not calling you when I was going to be late.

 

I’m sorry for the burden of being a single parent that I’ve placed on you since we were married, and it just getting worse with each passing year, with each child we’ve had.

 

I’m sorry for saying such a hurtful thing as making love with you being “obligatory”, you are a beautiful woman, and deserve to feel so much better about yourself.

 

I’m sorry for taking away you financial security when I quit my jobs, over spent money, didn’t budget, wouldn’t check the account before spending, didn’t tithe, hiding spending, letting overdrafts happen.

 

I’m sorry for making my jobs, the cars, the houses, my own time, the computers, our furniture, video games, my guitars, so many things, more important than you getting dressed up and us going out together.

 

I’m sorry for not being responsible with any house we’ve had, and abusing you by making you responsible for everything.

 

I’m sorry for emotionally shutting down on you, leaving your heart stranded emotionally when work wasn’t good, finances weren’t good, church wasn’t good, and especially when our relationship wasn’t good. In those times, I should have held you, and made our relationship even stronger than ever before, so that we would both know that with God nothing can overcome our love.

 

I’m sorry for making you feel like you were the problem for so many years in our relationship, instead of listening to and trusting your heart.

 

I’m sorry for belittling you, devaluing you and making you feel unimportant every time I’ve argued, defended myself, forgot special days, didn’t treat you beautiful, didn’t listen to your heart, looked at por nography, self gratified, lied to you, laughed at you, yelled at you or broke anything.

 

I’m sorry for not being connected with you, and causing you such deep hurt in your heart by trying to stay emotionally, mentally, spiritually or physically distant.

 

I’m sorry for belittling you, devaluing you and making you feel unimportant every time I’ve argued, defended myself, forgot special days, didn’t treat you beautiful, didn’t listen to your heart, looked at por nography, self gratified, lied to you, laughed at you, yelled at you or broke anything.

 

This could have been a great start... could have been.. But then, you had to go, and take the BIGGEST wounds to my heart, and clump them all together in this one little blurb, totally minimizing it all... all these HUGE things, made itty bitty tiny in your mind... how great. why bother...............

 

too bad I checked my email before going to bed... I could have slept better without this one.

 

It was huge that you exposed the pain you’ve been through in our marriage. You were right about this ministry, you knew in your heart how our relationship was meant to be. When I argued about that with you, it must have felt awful. I would imagine it felt like I didn’t care about you, like all I wanted was to be away from you. I honestly thought if we could get on my page about marriage everything would be great. The truth is my page caused distance and pain, disconnection and broken trust. I’m sorry that I argued about this ministry.

 

And it wasn’t just this ministry. I argued about sex, about dates and time together. It always felt like I was being told to, being forced. In your heart you were looking for intimate love, connection and romance. Instead of trying to control me, emasculate me, you were trying to help me become more of a man. And you were right, because what you were looking for were the very things that would bring us closer together.

 

I argued about spending money, which I’m sure made you feel like I didn’t care about how I was hurting you, or giving you security in your heart. I argued about raising our children, and that probably made you feel like your love for our children didn’t matter. I argued about my time, and I was inconsiderate of how that made you feel, and how important my accountability was to you. How that affected you feeling safe in our relationship and loved, knowing that I would care about you.

 

I didn’t believe in your heart and guidance for my growth as a Christ like man. I never could believe in anyone (as much as I wanted to). You gave your all; you gave your love and opened yourself completely. There was no reason not to believe in you, and I am so sorry for the pain I caused you every time I argued with you. I never want to hurt you this way again. I will believe in your heart from now on, and trust in the truth you speak. When I don’t understand, I will ask, because becoming a Christ like man is so important to me. Your heart is a treasure and you deserve to feel valued, safe, loved and cherished. You deserve to feel connected and have a deeply intimate relationship.

 

I am sorry for the pain I’ve caused you, and ask your forgiveness for every time I’ve argued with you. I love you, and believe in you, and I will never argue with you again, if you feel I am arguing with you, I will listen to you and appreciate the beauty in your help.

 

God Bless you, and your heart this night. In Jesus name,

 

Chris

Edited January 21, 2011 by In His Steps

[In His Steps]

Dory and DesertRose, thank you.

 

I see how idiotic my words were, and how telling the truth is what Lorna deserved. To discover the truth after must be very painful, I would imagine it would tell her heart, right after she opened up again, that she again is not important and that I don't care about seeking after her heart. That I am still more important than her, after all this time.

 

Lorna deserves so much better. She deserves to feel important, loved and appreciated. She deserves to know that in my eyes, she is beautiful, the very presence of the Holy Spirt in my life.

 

To tell the truth, as I was writing that email, I didn't want to tell her I would answer it by 3:00. I was feeling like that was too late in the day, like again what she had to say didn't matter enough to let her know I was thinking about it. But that would have been more truthful than what I told her.

 

She deserves the truth, and more so, she deserves a man who would care about her heart first. A man who would do what's right before he felt like he had to cover for himself. I apologize for not being honest, and I apologize for not being open. The truth you speak is helping me to see the changes I need to make, and I appreciate your advice so much. I appreciate Lorna's heart so much.

 

Not there, but walking it out.

 

In Him,

 

Chris

Edited January 21, 2011 by In His Steps

[J_W]

Hey Chris,

How's the job search going? Are you trying side jobs (shoveling snow -- is it snowing there?) while also hoping to get employment full-time?

 

knowing that you are unemployed, with bringing in no $, is probably very stressful on Lorna right now -- not only her, but also the children -- so, what are you doing to alleviate this?

 

Have been reading your postings -- admittance of wrongdoings, including the continuation of lying (even though you really want? Lorna to believe that you are trying to win back her heart?) etc -- and realize that you still have very little idea of how to make a proper LOVER apology -- and this you must do if you ever want to show that you are gaining understanding of the hurts you have heaped and are STILL doing to Lorna.

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/244-great-verbal-apology-written-apology-is-also-here/

re-read it as often as it takes to "get it" because you are STILL not understanding what SHE is feeling (well perhaps you are just barely) -- you are still encompassed in your own feelings of shame - and that is just where satan wants to keep you. SO, are you going to be "more than a conqueror through Jesus Christ our Lord?"

 

Romans 8 (NIV)

31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;

we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[j]

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

Praying that a great well-paying job will come your way soon so that Lorna and the children can be blessed. They deserve it. You will deserve it, too, when you live "with understanding" of Lorna.

 

my .02

June of

[dory]

To tell the truth, as I was writing that email, I didn't want to tell her I would answer it by 3:00.

 

TO be honest right back, this is somehting I could envision Nemo doing.... (sigh)

 

We wives can handle 3pm because what we want more than anything is a "proactive man of his word"! To do that you really DO need to LOVE God more than anything so that you want to become a proactive man of your word FOR HIM. THen she may rest more assured that you will also do this FOR HER.

 

I can handle this mistake a little better than L because 14 years of pain have not passed; Nemo did start trying 4 years ago even though he still makes mistakes. I too still get into fits of anger from wounds gone by re-opened by carelessness or even "perceived" carelessness; detachment, or perceived detachment. Its REALLY hard from the woman's point of view.

 

She is in so much pain she probably can't even see straight. She can't even give you an ounce of credit where an ounce might be deserved. This is really painful to watch from the sidelines as well. As spectator it is almost like watching a race to see who is gonna die first. Its really sad and hard to watch. You need to beat her at this race to save her. Die to your self-focus, your self-protection. Open yourself up. She won't kill you. You are killing you.

 

It is NOT good for man to be alone. Eve was GOOD for Adam. Everything she wants FOR YOU IS GOOD and would PROSPER you.