Less Chris, More Christ...

[In His Steps]

Almost forgot,

 

I am on nearly ever conference call, including the men's calls. This week I've been on every conference call at some point ( except the thursday night call, I was on the men's call until I went to bed ). I'll be on the calls tonight listening in, and learning to become the Christlike man my family needs.

 

Chris

Edited November 7, 2010 by homeschoolinhogans

[J_W]

These are the boundaries Lorna has given me that I can think of right now.

 

 

When I'm at the house picking up or dropping off, don't just come into the house.

 

Talk to Lorna via the forum only.

 

Make plans for the children through e-mail with 3 days advance notice.

 

Do NOT text.

 

Don't share personal things or requests with the children in ANY way.

 

She said she didn't want anything from me for her birthday.

 

Do not just stop by the house at all.

 

 

As for who I am talking to and what I'm reading:

 

I talk to David once a day for 20 min., I talk to Joel a couple times a week through phone calls or texting, I call Timothy Paul regularly for advice and feedback. I have been reading through Kevin Leeman's " Making Children Mind...", The Bible every day, staying in the J&K books regularly, either through the cd's or actually reading the books.

 

I've also been researching homeschooling ideas for classes the children need to take ( Maine Studies, social studies, economics, etc. ) and I've been looking for supplimental income to help provide for the family better.

 

As for the conversation we had today, Lorna, you are right. I have been justifying instead of listening. Every time I justify and not listen it creates more problems within our family.

 

I will be on the forum as often as possible. Joel, thanks for sharing this information with me. Thank you Lorna for taking the time to put this out there. This took a lot for you to go back through and think about. I really appreciate it, and will be reading this over regularly.

 

Chris

 

Glad to see you are plugged in to the "ministry" --

 

 

 

I am totally fascinated by the fact that you do not even include the mention of you were supposed to bring your four youngest children to the church where Lorna is now attending, and you did not show up -- waited until you were 50 minutes late to tell her you were lost.

THIS is the type of thing that is irresponsible behavior and "shows" Lorna that she is not a priority in your life.

 

Do you spend time figuring out what specifically would be a blessing? or do you just allow time to continue and what happens happens? Somewhere - sometime you really need to learn how to be PRO-active -- and what exactly that means. Do you have a notebook and a calendar that you can keep these things together? A list of specifics that would be blessings, things that totally would not bless? Important event dates/times/addresses and scheduling on an easy to use, accessible calendar? If not, then you really need to get these. Without this, you are continuing in "responsibility abuse" and putting even more pressure on Lorna's care of the six children.

 

DOing and BEing are both important == not talking about how you are changed and GOing to DO and BE.

 

Am not trying to be harsh with you at all -- but really need you take careful attention to these points, especially if you are still interested in ever trying to win back Lorna's heart.

 

 

prayerfully,

June of

[In His Steps]

Thanks June. You are absolutely right, and I appreciate everyone holding me accountable to my responsibilities as a parent. I want to be the best parent I can for our children, and it takes a lot more than I've ever put into it.

 

Again, I need to pre-plan out what I'm doing with the children, how I'm going to spend time with them, be thinking about what they need and how I can be meeting those needs.

 

I'm not quite sure what I'm doing with the children this weekend, but I'm spending some time tonight putting together some thoughts about how we can have a good time together.

 

Again, thank you. I desire to do the right thing. When I'm not, it's important to me to see that, so I can change it.

 

Have a good night and God bless,

 

Chris

[In His Steps]

So many birthdays are here!!

 

I'm excited to be celebrating and remembering treasured times. B., N. and Lorna, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

 

Can't wait to have the children his weekend and have some good time together!

 

Hope your day has been good. Good night and God bless.

 

Chris

[J_W]

Hi Chris,

I know that things are changing for you financially, but wanted to encourage you that it does not take expensive gifts to make a birthday special -- specialty poems (written on special paper and placed in picture frame, inexpensively from Goodwill even) - perhaps a recorded song that you wrote specifically for them are just a couple of things that come to my mind - if it's for a small child, you could even make a playhouse out of a FREE giant box from an appliance store -- just some ideas. or gift of a "service" certificate or "special time with dad and a movie" type of thing. (or take the young ones for puppy-hugging at a local pet store)

 

re: posting on this thread -- if you are hoping to SHOW Lorna that you have indeed changed and are honoring her then you NEED to be posting here -- not the emotional stuff, but the daily actions:

 

You could post simple statements about what you are IS DOING to stay engaged..

things like:

*(read book 2 ten minutes, ch 3.

*took Paul home on time, called when we were on the way.

*(was on conference call last night.

 

And, communicate anything you NEED:

*Got truck for parents. please let me know the date when you know.

*Paul from Com. Con. called & needs to set up time to start working on insulation.

*Have been asked to move by Dec. 3rd. will keep updating as I find a place to live.

 

You do not NEED to talk to Lorna on the phone or in person to tell her these things.

 

You wrote:

I am on nearly ever conference call, including the men's calls. This week I've been on every conference call at some point ( except the thursday night call, I was on the men's call until I went to bed ). I'll be on the calls tonight listening in, and learning to become the Christlike man my family needs.

Chris

so you do know how to do this.

 

You are still allowed to be texting her OUTSIDE of office hours to let Lorna know you are thinking of her and of how special she is -- (at least I think this is what Joel has said you should be doing - check w/David on that)

 

These are the boundaries Lorna has given me that I can think of right now.

When I'm at the house picking up or dropping off, don't just come into the house.

Talk to Lorna via the forum only.

Make plans for the children through e-mail with 3 days advance notice.

Do NOT text.

Don't share personal things or requests with the children in ANY way.

She said she didn't want anything from me for her birthday.

Do not just stop by the house at all.

So, you DO KNOW the boundaries (except the texting one might be changed for outside of Lorna's ever-changing office hours) == are you observing them?

 

Lorna has also said she requires a 3-day email advance note from you re: plans with children -- have you done that? Today is Thursday.

 

These can be truly special times of growth or sheer drudgery for all involved. It is hoped you will choose the "special" opportunities you have.

 

Praying you find just the right place to live. Have you considered trying to find a place where you could "house-sit?" for folks who have gone south for the winter? google "house-sitting" in Maine or post on Craig's List. just a suggestion.

 

prayerfully,

June of

Edited November 11, 2010 by Ward & June

[In His Steps]

I just sent this e-mail to Lorna:

 

family hogan to Lorna

show details 8:52 PM (0 minutes ago)

 

I know this e-mail is not within three days notice. I apologize and starting next week, I will be sending this on Tuesday.

 

I assumed that having Natalie back by 7:00 would be the standard, and I should not have. Thanks for pointing that out to me. I will clearly communicate every week with you plans and ideas that I have for the children and when they will/should be returning home.

 

Also, this Friday I'm pretty sure I heard you talking about getting the truck home. If you need any help with that, I will make myself available.

 

So the children this weekend. I should not have assumed I would be picking them up Friday. If that is o.k., I would still like to. And if so, will I be able to take them the whole weekend and to church this weekend? The man running the crew for the repairs to the insulation told me that they are starting work on the house this Monday, and if you would like help cleaning the basement I would be happy to.

 

Another thought, I have an opportunity to work a second job at night, and the manager would like to set up an interview, but she needs me to be able to work one weekend shift every week either Saturday or Sunday, nights or days. Time with the children would be compromised, how would you like me to handle this? I would be looking at working Tuesday nights, Thursday nights, and a weekend shift every week. To go along with that, I've been looking for a place to move to, and haven't found one that would be children friendly. I'm still open and looking, just not sure what's going to work out just yet, so as soon as I know what is going on in that area, I will let you know.

 

This coming Monday, would it be o.k. if I took Jacob out to Target and let him drive around? Now that there's the truck in play, would he rather look at that together, and would you be o.k.with that?

 

Oh, I was wondering if there's anything I could get Ben to go along with the birthday present you got for him.

 

Anyway, hope you had a great day out with Ben and all went as you would hope.

 

I'll be in touch, God bless,

 

Chris

[In His Steps]

Today I took our daughter to work and spent all three breaks with her. She does a great job getting her school work done and helping out with the food pantry.

 

Also, at lunch I called and talked to David.

 

I called and talked to Tim tonight for a little while also. Trying to make plans about getting life together.

 

I read this morning with N., our daughter, in the Bible.

 

Tonight I took N. to where I'm staying and made her chicken breast, mashed potatoes and corn on the cob for dinner. She didn't eat her chicken. On the way to taking N. home, I stopped and got our son B. a birthday card and called Lorna on the way to the house to let her know we would be there soon, at 7:00.

 

On the way back to the house, I'm going to stop and get N. and Lorna a birthday card. I'll get a brownie mix to celebrate with them this weekend also, and some candles.

 

Tonight I'll be spending some time listening to J&K book 2, disc 3. I'll also be on the men's calls for a little while listening in.

 

Then I'll be on John and Susan's call listening in.

 

Happy Birthday B.!! The Big FOUR! Awesome!

 

Chris

Edited November 12, 2010 by homeschoolinhogans

[In His Steps]

Lorna,

 

I have secured a truck from work and need to be able to tell the dispatcher what date we will need to use it.

 

If you would like, I would like to make myself available to help clean out the basement for Monday's work.

 

I'm hoping to celebrate the children's birthdays tis weekend with them. Nothing huge, just a brownie cake and good time being together.

 

How would you feel about me having to work one weekend shift every week either days or night, Saturday or Sunday. I have a possible job interview for nights, and they need me to work one weekend shift.

 

Would it bless you for me to rake the yard?

 

Chris

Edited November 12, 2010 by homeschoolinhogans

[In His Steps]

One subject I would like to bring up. I have been asked to be on the forum every day somehow.

 

I'm not sure how this could work the weekends that I have all the children, unless I left the older ones at the house by themselves, as I cannot fit all of them into my car, and I can only get on the internet at the local coffee shop.

 

It IS my desire to be on here every day, and have every plan to be as transparent as possible.

 

Thanks for any and all advice.

 

Chris

[In His Steps]

Another thought.

 

In our agreement, we decided that I would remove my things from the house by the thirtieth of November. I understand that this was agreed on, and at this point have no place to put anything. However you would like for me to handle this I am more than willing to make it happen.

 

Thanks,

 

Chris

[Enjoying the sunshine]

1. You may pick up the girls, tonight at 8:00 PM, and keep them til 1pm on SATURDAY. I will drop the kids, except for Natalie and Jacob, off with you after my fellowship meeting- around 12:30 or 1pm on Sunday, they will need to come home just after supper.

 

2. I will let you know the date of M&M's move as soon as I know for sure.

 

3. I have the basement done, but thank you for asking.

 

4. I will find a babysitter if you are unable to be here for the kids the nights we already spoke of me working outside the home.

 

5. It is YOUR responsibility to find a place for your things. The agreement remains as is. The ONLY exception to that agreement was/is/remains to be the tools.

[In His Steps]

Understood,

 

and thank you.

 

I know for the past couple of weeks I haven't been meeting my alimony agreement or making the car payments. I really want to do this, and the situation I'm in right now can't afford everything I want to be able to do right now. At this point, for the past couple of weeks my check has been $88 after everything else, and I will work on catching everything back up as soon as I get back on my feet. I have set up a job interview for the night job I had mentioned for next Tuesday, at 5:30 which means I will be bringing Paul home right after work Tuesday. I'm hopeful that this will help me to be able to catch up on my payments, and I definitely will catch them up after I get tax money back if I haven't already done that. It is my desire to catch it up much sooner.

 

As for anything of mine in the house, it seems like it would be good to go ahead and have a yard sale before the colder weather hits. That would help to get it out of the way. As for your schedule, I'll try to work into mine the nights that you would need me to be there. I'm hoping to still be able to help out with the kids.

 

Also, it's been on my mind to get the truck worked on so that it can be ready for winter. That way you won't have to worry about it in bad weather.

 

It looks at this point like I will be going back to the shelter for a season, until I can get caught up a little and get some money put aside to get into a place of my own. I know it will be a damper on having the children on the weekends, and I am totally committed to being there for them in any way I still can. This is only for a short season.

 

And I'm sorry for not just giving the man that's doing the work on the basement your number. I was controlling the situation and that's not the kind of person I want to be. It was wrong of me and I am sorry.

 

I would love to cook a dinner for you for your birthday.

 

God bless,

 

Chris

[In His Steps]

Today, I called David at lunch and we spoke for a few. I also called Tim on my last break and talked o him for a little bit about getting my finances back in order.

 

I've been struggling through having faith these past few days that God will provide and sustain me through this time. Keeping moving forward, and believing all is already well. It's just hard sometimes.

 

I went over to the shelter I was staying at after getting on the computer at the library in Lisbon Falls, where Lorna and the children live, to see about what the plans for the children are for this weekend. After that I drove over to the shelter to talk to the case manager about when I will be eligible for a bed again. November 23, so I'll be calling from that day 'till I need to be out of where I'm staying. I would love to be able to find a place to have the children over right now, but I have no money to be able to do that yet. As soon as I can, I'll be moving.

 

I got on the internet last night and looked up this " house sitting " idea, and found a pretty cool website that costs like $22 to join, and they post your listing so that people who need their house watched can call you to do it. Looks like a good idea, just don't have the money to join at this point.

 

Listened in on the calls for a little while, before drifting off last night. Also listened to the J&K book two disc three until I finished it and started the fourth disc. Altogether, listened to the book for about 25 min. Will be reading the Bible in just a few minutes, and still working on reading our old string. Haven't for about a week now, and I'll be doing just that after reading in the word.

 

I've gotten Ben a HUGE HEAVY box to make a castle out of, I think he'll love it. Also, as June had suggested, I wrote Natalie a poem for her birthday and will be looking for a frame for it before I come over to pick them up tonight. I'm going to bring the box for Ben to where I'm staying for now, would it be o.k. if after I've started moving if I brought it over to the house?

 

Hope you are having a good day today.

 

God bless,

 

Chris

[In His Steps]

Today, the girls and I got up early and had snuggle time listening to two of their favorite radio programs, " Unshackled ", and " Paws and Tales ". Good stories for each, always encouraging in our faith. After, I was planning on making them homemade pancakes, and got the idea to make brownie pancakes with apple slices and hash browned potatoes for our oldest daughter's birthday. I gave her her birthday present after breakfast. I think she really liked it.

 

The girls then went upstairs and got baths/ showers and we sat and watched qubo, Cristian cartoons. Had to do some quick housecleaning afterward and we got ready to drop them of at the house and go pick up J.'s truck that he bought with his savings. What a deal, $300, has a blown head gasket for certain, an exhaust leak and needs a battery, but this truck is in such good shape for it's age and still runs very well ( minus the whole overheating and dumping water thing!). All repairs we can handle together anyway.

 

I had the girls back on time as Lorna posted last night, tried to call on the way but J. was busy calling about parts for the truck already! We went out and picked up the truck, I drove it back to the house and Lorna wasn't there yet, so I called the junkyard about parts, left her a note about their phone number and costs involved and left ( leaving the hood up on the truck with no information about how it was running, whether it was movable or not, no communication, thank you Lorna for pointing that out. I apologize. )

 

We discussed on the way to pick up he truck this new night job and it getting in the way of being able to watch the children on the nights Lorna will be working away from the house. I really want to be able to watch them for you, and I'm sorry that I won't be able to. Again, if you'd like, I can watch them on Sunday, and I can't remember if you needed me to watch them on Tuesday's or Thursdays because I didn't write it down, but I can talk to the manager on my interview this Tuesday to try to work that out.

 

I did not call in on the men's calls today. After getting back to the house I made myself something to eat, started some laundry, contemplated the whole living arrangement situation and how that's going to look here in the next few-several months. The hardest part about going back to the shelter will be not being able to have the children with me. I miss them a lot. Need to find a place soon.

 

I read in the word this afternoon, Psalms 18. Will be listening to J&K book 2 disc 4 on the way back to the house after being on the computer, and in just a few minutes will be re-reading what Joel posted from Lorna's heart/ reading from our old string for about half an hour before going back to the house to start packing.

 

I've been thinking about this song all day:

 

 

I thought that I was all alone Broken and afraid

but you were there with me yes you were there with me

and I didn't even know that I had lost my way

but you were there with me yes you were there with me

 

Until you opened up my eyes I never knew

That I couldn't ever make it without you

 

Even though the journey's long And I know the road is hard

Well, the one who's gone before me will help me carry on

After all that I've been through Now I realize the truth

That I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God

 

As I travel on the road that you have lead me down

you are here with me yes, you are here with me

I have need for nothing more Oh, now that I have found

That You are here with me Yes, you are here with me

 

I confess from time to time I lose my way

But you are always there To bring me back again

 

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from

And the things I've left behind

But of all I've had, what I possessed

Nothing can quite compare with what's in front of me

with what's in front of me

Mac Powel, Third Day.

[In His Steps]

Almost forgot,

 

I called and talked to David this morning.

 

I'll be on the conference calls tonight, listening in to Josh and Kim. And I'll call to say goodnight to the children tonight at 7:15.

 

Lorna, you also shared with me the truth about how you have always defended my relationships with my family, and you were always blamed with that burden on not being in touch with them. I'm sorry for not defending you. Thank you for sharing that with me. I've been looking for my brother's number to give him a quick call and see about calling my mother to say a quick hi and express this to them also.

 

Hope you have a good night with the children tonight.

 

God bless,

 

Chris

Edited November 13, 2010 by homeschoolinhogans

[Enjoying the sunshine]

Thanks for driving J's truck home. And, thanks for leaving before we got home.

 

left her a note about their phone number and costs involved and left

Where did you leave me a note? I did not see one.

[In His Steps]

Lorna, thanks for pointing out to me my irresponsibilty with the keys to the truck and the bill of sale. It would have been more responsible to have left them in the truck and left you a message here. I apologize. Thanks for pointing that out.

 

 

I was reading a little while ago on our old string and came across this letter that Lorna wrote to me before I left the house.

 

 

 

I decided to sit down and write out everything I could think of that has happened over the years that has been painful for me in our marriage. This could be long... Bear with me. When you asked me to marry you, I did not have any fear about marrying you. I saw you as a generous, loving, kind, caring, considerate man. I saw you as someone who would be sensitive to my heart, my feelings and what I would need. You showed me so many times before we were married that you would care for me, even in ways that I could not even imagine. You showed me that I was special to you, and that how I was feeling was truly important to you. I could see that your heart was toward me.

 

When we got married, things changed very quickly. I became the person who you wanted to get away from. I was completely rejected from the moment we moved into our own apartment. You changed into someone who felt you needed to hide from me, and lie, and sneak around to get what you wanted. Things changed from you wanting to take care of me, to you not wanting to have to take care of anyone at all. You refused to care for my heart, you refused to care for our children. I went from being a cherished woman who meant the world to you, to being a neglected, unwanted burden in your life. I couldn't do anything to make you happier. I searched within myself and tried to figure out, year after year, what i could do to make our life work the way I knew it should. But nothing I tried worked. Nothing I tried would make a difference.

 

My heart has always been to have healthy, loving children. I worked hard to change my own attitude with the kids, I worked hard to try and learn new ways to deal with things. I tried hard to help you see, and to learn other ways yourself. I tried to show you that we needed to be united. I longed to be one as we raised our children, so that they knew what to expect and what they would face no matter which one of they came to. I feel like for so many years we were on such different levels with the kids, that they have grown into such horrible confusion. Even now, they live in confusion because we are still working on getting on the same page and checking with one another before allowing the kids to do things/have things. Our poor children have so many different ideas and "rules" to live by they just have no idea what is truly allowed and what is not.

 

I have prayed for years and years for us to be connected in more ways than one. I have prayed for you to be a "safe haven" for my heart. I have prayed and prayed for you to love me deeply, passionately and compassionately. I have longed to be desirous to you. I have longed to be NEEDED and wanted by you. I have wanted to be important to you, and mean the world to you. I have wanted you to be that Man that is in that song... you know the one.. the one who will fight for my honor, we'll live forever, knowing together -that we- do it all for the glory of love... I so thought you were that man.

 

I have been so sad for so long. I have been so torn for so long. I don't know what else to say, or what else to do to help you see what needs to be different here. For so many years I have had to be the authoritarian, ordering everyone around, being so hard and overbearing with everyone in the household. For so many years I have had to give every ounce of what i have had to try and keep our family running. I have spent so much of what I have and who I am- that I feel like I have lost so much of myself. I wanted so many things to be different. I wanted to eat healthier, I wanted to keep our whole family healthy (physically- like what we ate and going on walks and exercise), and spiritually. I worked so hard to try and guard our family from things that were not good for us. And I was constantly fighting a losing battle. no one wanted to walk that path. So, as the years have passed, we have become more and more unhealthy, physically and spiritually. We have not worked toward any goals as a couple, or as a family.

 

We have lost so much. we have lost money, and time, and health. We very possibly have lost one (or more) of our children from God's loving path. I have been grieving these losses, and hoping that we were moving into a new chapter and season in life. But in some ways, we are still living in the chaotic mess that is our life.

 

I read the following on someone else's string, that PinH wrote: to me, it sounds like who Jacob is going to grow up to be...so sad to me.

 

SO Dad is a jerk and Mom is going off the deep end...talk about playing both ends against the middle...gheesh...Dad is modeling selfisness and Mom modeling anger....poor guy. To survive emotionally (the boy) had to calm Mom...and resent her at the same time...for taking from him...she had nothing to give because her husband was not her SOURCE. He learned to shut down like Dad and IGNORE his responsibilities because that is how his Dad dealt with loving a wife...just don't do anything. Also resenting him...so he is angry at both...he can't do that in his child's heart so he beats himself up. The lack therefore in his child's mind is that HE is wrong and not lovable.

This absolutely breaks my heart, but it is such a true picture of who Jacob will be without healing in his life.

And what is Natalie going to look for in a husband? A man who cannot love her, and cannot give her what she needs.

It pains my heart to see the pain coming out of our children. They all have so much pain in their hearts. Each one in their own way has felt so rejected and so unwanted. Every one of them wants time with Dad, and time alone with mom. Every one of them has been so neglected (with the exception of ummm Elizabeth). The t.v. has become more important than the family to them, because WE have neglected to make THEM important.

God gave the husbands their wives VOICES to speak UP when they act like JERKS so that they can see where they are missing the Will of God because of their pride and arrogance that rules them. and wives are God's instruments to be used to HELP the husbands MEET the standard of being Christlike.....in HUMILITY and Love......

So, if God gave this voice to me, then how come every single time I open my mouth and ask for your help emotionally, or tell you of something that I feel is going wrong, you decide that it is time to shut me down? If GOD is the one who made me who I am in our marriage, and I have tried SO hard to follow his ways in our marriage, in our family, in our lives together, then WHY is it that I am the one who is resented in the family, the one who is fought against, the one, who is shoved into a corner on a consistent basis and made to feel bad for doing what seems to be best for our family, our children, us as a couple, or any individual person? Why am I ostracized by you, and your family, and MY family??? Why, time after time after time, have you agreed with me behind closed doors, to only make me look like a complete and utter FOOL in front of ANYONE, including our children?

Let's go behind mom's back and do what I know she doesn't want us to do, it won't matter, as long as we don't tell her... HMMMMMM. I wonder how the children learned that it is ok to be deceptive and hide things from us? I wonder how they came to think that MOM's voice didn't matter. That we don't really need to listen to her until she is screaming...

And you may look at these things, and say, "well, that was then, this is now" But reality is, that STILL is happening. There has never been any consistency. I have been made out to be that bad guy, the ENFORCER, the authoritarian, disciplinarian, etc, time and time again. I have been made out to be the mean one of the household, and you just get to sit back and do whatever you want, whatever is convenient, what ever works out best for YOU.

My standards have been laughed at. my standards have been mocked. My standards have been knocked down, trampled on, forgotten, belittled. Devalued and ripped to shreds. My life has been a constant uphill battle, a constant fight to figure out how to teach these children how to live a somewhat Godly life with a husband who wanted nothing to do with living within any boundaries.

No boundaries, that is, except the ones he placed around ME. I shouldn't go anywhere at all without cleaning the whole house first. I should always have all of HIS laundry done. I should work all day, and not spend any time with my kids. I should manage the money, and pay all the bills without the funds to do so, or the budget necessary to follow. I should take care of the yard, the house, the repairs, the remodeling, the kids, the doctoring, the teaching, the cooking, the ministry, the social life, the love life, the errands, the groceries, the animals. I should do everything, so my husband can sit back and NOT have to shoulder more responsibility than he could handle at any given moment. And, when I was falling apart, and needed a break, I was shown time and time again that it was NOT ALLOWED!

Again, you could say that all of this is "just in the past"-- but in reality, it is not. I am still having to hold your hand most of the time to get anything done. Very few responsibilities are solely yours, and not mine. There is not a task within the household that you deal with without my prodding and/or my help. There is not a task outside that has not been touched by ME, and pressed forward by me, processed and planned by me.

And if I don't push?? then we have NO social life. We have NO love life. Our children are continuously neglected, and we are all emotionally abused. I feel that I still have to push, just to make sure we are not living under a cloud of anger. I feel like I cannot just 'let it be' because every time I have taken my hands "out" your attitude has fallen so quickly back into anger, resentment, frustration and irritation.

I feel like, in so many ways, I am treading under the water, barely holding my own head up above the water, so that I can carry you through, because you are unwilling to even carry yourself.

I understand that you are a product of your parents. But you cannot lay the blame on them any longer. You cannot allow what they made you to be be the end of you. You have to step out of your miserable little comfort place, and DO what you know is right, even though it is hard. YOU have to start carrying yourself, even when the current is pushing against you. You have to reach OUT away from yourself, and lend a hand to your wife, and to your children, instead of falling into the current and letting it pull us all under.

You may read this and say, "well, I really should just leave. Her life will be so much easier. the kids lives will be so much better." But reality is, children from a broken home are BROKEN children. With huge gaping holes in their hearts. Huge problems to deal with, and issues to overcome. YOU know that. I don't want that for these kids, and I don't think you truly do either. Reality is, the only reason to think like that is for your own benefit. Reality is, the only one who may truly have it any easier is YOU. YOU would not have the level of responsibility that God asks of you here. YOU would not have to live up to any "standards". YOU could live your life however YOU wanted to, if you just walked away. I would be left with HUGE amounts of responsibility, pain, and burdens to bear ALONE. So, the reality is, this thinking is purely selfish on your part.

 

REAL REALITY IS THIS: "Well, I really should just DO THIS. Change my life, step over the obstacles, live for Christ, live for my wife and my children. I should step out of my comfort zone and DO WHAT'S RIGHT even though it is HARD."

that is reality.

 

Thank you, Lorna, for taking so much time to express your heart to me in the past and present. This means so much to me. I really appreciate every amount of insight you've given me.

 

God Bless,

 

Chris

[MaryJane]

left her a note about their phone number and costs involved and left

Where WAS that note? I'm curious.

[TimothyPaul]

MJ - Because Chris was trying to not violate boundaries, he left it on the fifth step of the stairs inside the front door. He asked his daughter to relay to Lorna that the paperwork was there. Somehow, that communication broke down and the papers were not there when Lorna came in.

 

 

Chris - This morning I woke and continued my study of Exodus. I ask that perhaps you read Exodus CH 18. Moses was struggling to exercise judgement for all the people of Israel. Jethro came to him and suggested he create a delegation system so that he could share the responsibility.

 

Certain passages, speak to me about our conversation last night:

 

You'll burn out, and the people right along with you. This is way too much for you--you can't do this alone.

(Exo 18:18 MSG)

 

And then you need to keep a sharp eye out for competent men--men who fear God, men of integrity, men who are incorruptible--and appoint them as leaders over groups organized by the thousand, by the hundred, by fifty, and by ten.

(Exo 18:21 MSG)

 

They'll be responsible for the everyday work .... They will share your load and that will make it easier for you.

(Exo 18:22 MSG)

 

If you handle the work this way, you'll have the strength to carry out whatever God commands you, and the people in their settings will flourish also."

(Exo 18:23 MSG)

 

While Moses trials and tribulation differ from yours, I think there is a message here for you. Moses could not do what God was asking him to all by himself. And so Jethro pointed out to Moses, God would provide the tools Moses needed to perform the tasks God required of him.

 

The same can be said for you. Joel and Kathy, David, myself, and the ministry are the tools God is providing you with now, to help develop yourself into the Man God has called you to be. God knows you can be successful, he also knows, while you are going through these trials, we can share your load and make it easier for you.

 

I pray that your remind yourself of this each day, and use the resources God is giving you to continue this journey. As I mentioned last night, I for one did not have the strength on my own would have been out of here in a month had it not been for the resources God provided me here in this ministry. I also promise I will find that other scripture I mentioned on God providing mentors.

 

Be well, stay in Faith, and cherish the challenge God has given you. He has only given you this challenge becasue He knows you can do it and Glorify Him.

 

Love ....TimothyPaul

[J_W]

Please remember that you are not alone for GOD is Always there:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nutVz94Uhcs&feature=related

 

I wonder how it must have felt

When David stood to face Goliath on a hill

I imagine that he shook with all his might

Until You took his hand, and held on tight

 

'Cause You were there, You were there

In the midst of danger's snare

You were there, You were there always

You were there when the hardest fight

Seemed so out of reach

Oh, You were there, You were always there

You were always there

 

So there he stood upon that hill

Abraham with knife in hand was poised to kill

But God in all his sovereignty had bigger plans

And just in time, You brought a lamb

 

'Cause You were there,

You were there

In the midst of the unclear

You were there, you were there always

You were there when obedience

Seemed to not make sense

You were there, You were always there

You were always there

 

So haven't I learned that my ways

Aren't as high as Yours are

And You alone keep the universe

From crumbling into dust

You are God and though we would

Not have understood You

There You were

 

Hanging blameless on a cross

You would rather die than leave us in the dark

Every moment, every planned coincidence

Just all makes sense

With Your last breath

 

You were there, You were there

During history's darkest hour

You were there, You were there always

You were the Victor and the King

You were the power in David's swing

You were the calm in Abraham

You are the God who understands

You are the strength when we have none

You are the living, Holy one

You were, You are and You will always be

the Risen Lamb of God

 

You were, You are and You will always be

The Risen Lamb of God

 

I hope you are able to finish up B's castle soon.

(it makes it extra special it if you put a big label on it proclaiming it as his castle) - toys that go with it can be found at a Dollar Tree, too. Am glad your daughter liked her gift.

 

 

Prayerfully,

June of

[In His Steps]

Lorna, I understand your boundaries, and I have not held to them. Your are perfectly in order to express your feelings about this, and I am sorry for not listening. I don't want to hurt you in any way, and I see that I have.

 

Tonight, when we talked I looked angry because I was. And for reasons that are completely childish. You are completely right to point that out to me. Thank you. I know as I'm growing in Christ these feelings will fade in time, and I appreciate you pointing them out to me.

 

This weekend was so good having time with the children. I did not talk to Lorna about this within my three day agreement, and she was gracious enough to allow me the time anyway. We had a good birthday breakfast for Nat yesterday morning, spent some good time playing and laughing. Today I had all the younger children. B. and I, our youngest son, got to play cars for a little bit. I played with the baby, she brings such joy being around her and making her laugh. I absolutely love baby giggles.

 

Our middle son brought over his mitts and ball so we played catch out in the yard for a while. We then came in, I made dinner and we watched " Fat Albert ", the movie, together with dinner. It was a good time.

 

Tomorrow, I will get the BOX to the house and work on making a castle out of it throughout the week. And yeah, I'll be looking for some dollar toys to make it an authentic castle. Great ideas June, I appreciate it. You and Lorna think a lot alike about gifts and making the children happy.

 

Lorna and N. went out for N.'s birthday today and spent some good Mommy Daughter time together. Sounds like they had a really good time together. I love seeing the smiles on their faces. Lorna doesn't get enough time with them any more.

 

---------

 

As for time with the children. I had asked J. if he would like to spend some time working on the truck, or the chainsaw, or the lawnmower. I hadn't gotten an answer about that yet, and was wondering if any of this might be a consideration.

 

Also with Paul, will he be coming to work with me this Tuesday? I know the schedule will be shifting next week, and I've committed that to memory ( for what that's worth anyway. ) Will I be picking him up tomorrow night to take with me Tuesday? And if so, I will need to drop him off at the house right after work, as I have that job interview at 5:30 in Brunswick.

 

This coming Wednesday, is it o.k. if I pick up N. from ballet? Will she be coming to work with me this Thursday? The3 both of them do such a good job working for Lynn in the pantry, and everyone loves having them along with me. Not to mention, I love getting to spend my breaks with them.

 

And for your birthday, I would like to cook dinner for you. I have everything I would need already, definitely a dinner that you would like.

 

I know you were upset, and rightfully so, about my new possible work schedule conflicting with watching the children. I really want to be able to help out with them, and I will talk to the manager about working that out this Tuesday when I see her. I love having the time with them. And anyway I can help you out, I want to.

 

I'll have to see what my weekend schedule will look like after this interview to determine what time with the children on the weekends will look like. I will do my very best to have time with them, even if that means picking them up in the morning and dropping them off before I need to go to work.

 

Please let me know. I appreciate every amount of time I can spend with them.

 

I'm sorry for the anger you saw in my eyes and face tonight. I was struggling to not be upset and it was uncalled for. I will work hard at not being selfishly and childishly angry any more. You are right about me violating your boundaries. I will purpose myself to adhere to what you need of me.

 

I'll be in touch. God bless,

 

Chris

[Enjoying the sunshine]

for time with J. please, communicate with J, as we have already talked about. HE is old enough to make his own plans with you, and HE can ask me if it's ok. J does need to be home AT 8 pm, as he has been having a lot of trouble getting up in time in the morning. He cannot stay out late.

 

P would still like to go with you to work tomorrow, so yes, you can pick him up tonight. He will be ready and waiting at 8PM, so that you won't have to wait around.

 

N would like to know if she can go on Wednesday instead, as she wants to be here on Thursday. If so, you would need to pick her up on Tuesday night, at 8PM also, and BE ABLE to take her to her ballet class, which begins at 5:45pm on Wednesday. Let me know if you are ABLE to do all of this.

 

I do not feel you should make me dinner at this point.

[In His Steps]

I can pick up N. Tuesday, and will be by tonight to pick P. up at 8:00. As for time with J., I already promissed that I would have B.'s castle done this past weekend, and I need to know if it would be o.k. to call him today to let him know that I need to honor my first promise first, adn get that done tonight instead of helping him with the truck. I over extended myself, and I know this will probably hurt his feelings, so Iwould like to be able to tell him before too late this evening.

 

P. tonight with me at eight, returned tomorrow at eight. N. with me tomorrow at eight, and I'll have her to her ballet class at 5:45. Will you be picking her up, or or would you like me to bring her to the house?

 

Dinner will not work, o.k.

 

Thank you. Hope you're having a good day,

 

God bless,

 

Chris

[TimothyPaul]

and I've committed that to memory ( for what that's worth anyway. )

 

- is you feeling sorry for yourself and looking for sympathy = STOP IT!

 

 

TP

[For Him For Her]

Lorna,

 

I told Chris he should honor his promises in the order he promised them. He has to learn to do what he says he is going to do. If he just skips over the castle, it will not get done because more promises will get in the way. It also adds pressure to get to the next promise. He has to learn how to accomplish tasks in the order they arrive. I am not trying to upset you or discount you but wouldn't it be amazing if Chris made a promise and followed through in the time frame he promised?

 

If you do not agree with me, I appologize. I am looking at the long term for him honoring your heart in all the madness.

 

God Bless

David