Last chance for success

[Thankful for Gracey]

Good evening. I am in a situation where I must ask someones advice. Gracey and I have returned from the intensive and heaven knows, I now "get it." I am still so aware that I have a long road ahead of me trying to heal her heart from 16 years of hurt and heartache. Gracey has the feeling why she should automatically just turn around and start being receptive to me. I understand totally how she feels. After all these years of abuse and neglect, why should she? I have mentioned to her post today that I understood how she felt and that I have to prove myself more and more everyday on how can lay my life down for her. I have to earn her respect all over and it's not going to be a week after the intensive anyway for sure. I can wait for her as long, if not longer, than what she waited for me. The thing is, she waited till I finally had my feet to the fire before I decided to straighten up...16 years of it. I just cannot expect her to just set the fireworks off in this short of time. I totally undeerstand this senario of how she appears to be upset. I know I can't get in my comfort zone and I really don't want her to do that also. She walked on eggshells for years, it's now my turn.

I have to be the same person in public as I am in private and quit being fake. It is time I grow up and be a man in this life where I can be a man to my wife. I must respect her wishes and desires and this is what I aim on doing

I love this lady and I am willing to give my life for her. Her heart has been impacted by me and my actions and for this, I am truly sorry. I can say,this will never happen again.

 

How can I set my sights on an OHM without crossing her boundries and upset her? I want to heal her heart and be the man she intended on me being. I love ya' Gracey

 

In Him

TFG

Edited July 23, 2010 by Thankful for Gracey

[Thankful for Gracey]

Good morning,On my ride in to work this morning and listening to Graham Cooke talk on Limitless Possibilities, my mind began to churn and I actually am beginning to think that by nature, a mans thoughts are likely to run wild. We think we know after years of being together, what are wives are like, but we do not always know what they need. We, as men, need them to lead us from what we want to what they need. These are Limitless Possibilities. Our comfort zone tells us one thing, but in all actuality we are about as far off as we can get. When in doubt…ASK. This had been a real problem in my life with Gracey. I always told her what I THOUGHT she wanted to hear whether it was the truth or not. More time than not, it wasn’t the truth. AS long as I was in my comfort zone, I didn’t care and I didn’t actually think it would hurt her that bad. Man was I wrong and I am paying for it now. I have to gain the trust of not only her, but her children as well. I hurt them all with my fantasies, lies and deceit, drug abuse for so many years. When I hurt one, I hurt them all. I am desperately trying to work on the relationship between her kids and myself as well as OUR relationship. To you men that are in a blended family, when you hurt a child you’re doing the same to your wife. That has been another one of my downfalls over the years. Since I have been treating L nicely, she has responded the same towards me. (After what I had done to her over the years, I am surprised she even talks to me.) Really cool feeling and it makes mom happy also. The damage has already been done and the reflection of my “garbage dump days” is ever engrained in their minds.

To me, there is only one way out of this continuous spiral. The way out is the sound of a voice. Not our voice, but a voice coming from something not ourselves, in the existence of which we cannot disbelieve nor have reservations about. It is a task of the husband to hear HER voice and to tell us why and where she is hurting and the reason for the hurt and we must reply rather than act.

I have always been a person of action rather than of words. Gracey brought this to my attention last evening and not until then did I know what she really needed. She needs to know from ME that what I have done to her over the years has hurt her tremendously and that she needs healing time to try and react to having to trust me. She needed to vent and I wanted to be there to accept it since it was me and my actions that caused this mess in the first place. She has been humiliated by my actions of drug abuse, pornography and lying about all of it for so many years and for that I am sorry.

After what I have done to her, I wouldn’t and couldn’t expect a short healing process. She did tell me that she would help me indentify the hurts and the way it affected her and from there, I would start my apology and the healing of her hurts and for this I am grateful to her and need to be held accountable for my actions. She has been the one donning the repercussions for so many years and I haven’t been stepping up to the plate in order to heal theses hurts. I wish we could just move away and start a new life with our family and not have to worry about what other people are saying. She needs to heal and I need to be a source of her healing in any shape, form or fashion. The memories are there to hurt her enough without having others add fuel to the fire. She is an awesome woman whom I love deeply. We will persevere and make it through these tough times whether it be 6 months or 6 years, I’m in it for the long haul.

I want to thank all of the helpers who have graciously responded to hers and my posts. You all are such blessings to this ministry.

In Him

TFG

Edited July 25, 2010 by Thankful for Gracey

[InHisImage]

I H I, How do you deal with the temptations that hit you every day? I feel I am being attacked by choices. By that I mean I can't go to wal Mart without seeing scantily clad women. It's like Satan has put them there to test my will power. I glance and look the other way or look down at the floor. I don't like what I am seeing. i have had porn issues and along with drug addictions and they don't make a good couple. I have been asking for advice but no one has answered me. I seek the council from the forum and you as one that has had the issue. I love my wife and hate how porn has ruined our relationship.

thanks,

TFG

 

thought i would answer you here....

 

TFG...WELCOME TO THE BATTLE FOR YOUR SOUL!

 

I won't dishonor you by giving you a simple 1 step solution, b/c i don't think there is one; but i do believe that the God in Heaven can so move your heart and mind that you become like Neo in the Matrix and see "life" for what is really is and what it is not! Porn is a deception that works two ways...you can only effect your side of it....here's how.

 

Having been one who has failed in this area and then only by God's grace have i succeeded, there is a shift that has to take place somewhere deep within you. Oh yes, you can "bounce" your eyes to another target in the store...you can turn down an isle or spin around and go the other way...but really you are just living life a fugitive who is running from the law...everywhere you look there is trouble. How much better is it to be on the other side of the law and know that even thought the "law" is everywhere, there is no reason they are after you?? Here's the endgoal: once satan has realized that he can torque your mind with scantily clad women b/c you are stronger than a camel in the desert...he will give up. REmember this; satan is a loser...he cheats to get what he wants and he is hoping you'll get sucked into his thinking and follow suit. So, here's what has to happen:

 

First...keep diverting your eyes

 

Second...realized that lust of the flesh is just that; the Bible says that the carnal nature of man battles with the spiritual nature; your job is to begin to stop living by your flesh...cruicfy your flesh by refusing to look to the left and to the right. those women are not yours...God gave you a bride-she is yours to enjoy. All the others are off limits and you have the ability to acknowledge their presence and just keep going.

 

Third...Stop stealing!!! Every time your eyes lust after a woman your brain gets a little jolt of adrenaline, but the cost of that jolt is a decreased jolt when you look at your wife. Why would you want to steal the enjoyment from seeing your wife by looking upon another woman. Be strong...refuse to give up and receive satisfaction from anyone other than your wife. I believe it is God's design that men have every physical need met from their wife alone...when they do this, God's plan is put into action: men receive full physcial satisfaction from their wife by refusing and any other option...woman receive full emotional satisfaction from their husbands by knowing they are the only ones they share their life with...and around it goes.

 

Fouth...Get tougher! i have two favorite movie lines..."Dodge this.." from the Matrix,and "Stength & Honor" from Gladiators, but it is my personal belief that every single day as satan gathers his staff for the morning meeting he quotes the other line from Gladiators, "unleash hell".... As men in pursuit of Christ likness, we have to realize that we are engaged in a battle...that we are being attacked...that satan will stop at nothing to end our marriages, break up our families,and otherwise destroy our belief in God. To this end we must put on the full armor of God be ready to stand again him. This ministry will bring you into the battle and put you on the front line of your spiritual life; you will have to realize that everyday there is a battle for your soul (mind, will, and emotions),and your for spiritual future. Protect this...guard this...build a fortress around your camp and filter every single thing that attempts to exalt itself above the name of Jesus.

 

I have come through this battle, TFG...i haven't been the model citizen, but i haven't quit either. Feel free to read my story, ask the questions, and learn faster, better, and smarter than me. IF i can be of assistance to your and your family,

then i am at our disposal. May God bless youas you'v entered this battle.

 

Strength and Honor,

 

InHisImage

Edited July 25, 2010 by InHisImage

[Thankful for Gracey]

Thanks you so much for your words of wisdom. I shall take them under God's wing with me during this walk. I kind of knew what to do but I needed some validation from someone "who's been there and done that." I know by running form the problem doesn't cure, just delays. I'm going to divert as needed and rebuke satan and his workers. They know a weakness and they are going to drive it home. I am under the angels wings for protection. I shall read your post daily and keep it ever on my mind.

thanks again. You are my friend

TFG

[gracey520]

. I wish we could just move away and start a new life with our family and not have to worry about what other people are saying. She needs to heal and I need to be a source of her healing in any shape, form or fashion. The memories are there to hurt her enough without having others add fuel to the fire.

 

I know you intend good by this thought, but realize that the people who have helped me when you would NOT are also here, and I still need them. Running away sounds good, but I am not ready to be somewhere with just YOU for healing. You don't feel safe to me yet, even though you are doing great on every level. I have to learn to trust you again.

 

The vast majority of this battle is in my mind. Like they say, "You wouldn't worry so much about what people think of you if you realized how seldom they do." I feel the humiliation, but that doesn't mean that other people are heaping it on me. This is a battle within me against strongholds of negativity, anger, and unforgiveness, not a battle against flesh and blood. I have to stand and fight the battle in my mind.

 

I definitely am lucky that you are willing to be in this for the long haul, and that you are working so hard to understand me, and are not pressuring me. I DO appreciate that, and I am spending lots of time in the Word in order to renew my mind. That is the answer for both of us -- Christlikeness, with you going first in laying down your life and me responding. If I will just submit to the Word, it will all work itself out. My self-protective walls are tall and thick, and they need much oil of the Spirit to wear them down.

 

Gracey

[dory]

i have had porn issues and along with drug addictions and they don't make a good couple. I have been asking for advice but no one has answered me.

 

Baloney Sandwich = B.S.!!

 

Dory posted 10 July 2010 - 01:02 PM

Join us Monday night at 8pm and Nemo can share his steps to success. He doens't have alot of posting time, but if he does, I'll send him here.

 

Still waiting to "help" you if YOU take this step I suggested two weeks ago on the first page of your string.

 

HerDensity's post was also "helpful".

 

SO are the posts in the MEN'S section

 

Porn help 1

Porn help 2

 

Porn help 3

An oldie for you to meditate over...

 

Porn help 4

 

That should be enough reading to keep you occupied for one night's worth of "help".

[Thankful for Gracey]

Hello all. I haven't posted in a couple of days and thought I would get back in the game. Gracey and I have had a good couple of weeks. I did raise an eyebrow on her the other day. I have this thing where if she delays in her thought process, I finish her sentence for her. I have done this for years and she has corrected me for years. I think I have the idea now. We have had a couple of issues she has posted about but it was all understandable. It's was brought to her attention, guys, that after all of the years of being hurt and neglected, after all the years of my lying to her, getting arrested for drugs and just making her life a living hell, she just can't drop it. Not now anyway. It took years to get her this way and I have to lay my life down for her no matter how long it takes. There just is now way that after the pain I inflicted on her and the kids, that I could even fathom her forgiving me in such a short time. J&K intensive was great and it opened our eyes well, my eyes anyway, and it is a proven fact that men are the reason for the women’s pain and anguish. Be still and know that patience is a virtue. Ask her how her day was. Just listen and DON’T FIX HER. She’s a blessing to me and the family. I am staying in the word either every morning or every evening. I find this is a big help and it keeps me focused on God and keeps Him in the forefront. I keep a journal of how He has spoke to me and it’s really good for me to go back and read it and jog my memory on why He does what He does for someone like me. As Graham Cooke once ask the same thing of God and God replied, “That’s just the way I am. Get over it”. I’m at work now for 9 ½ more hours. I have called the wife and son and said a goodnight prayer. This is something we are doing every night now and this brings me closer to them and God.

Dory, I beg your forgiveness. You did respond and for that I am most grateful. Thank you so much for the post and I read them often like every day. Between Nemo and InHisImage, I have plenty of material to keep my mind very occupied. Thanks so much.

 

Blessings to you all

I am..

TFG

[maggie's jublee]

I have called the wife and son and said a goodnight prayer. This is something we are doing every night now and this brings me closer to them and God.

 

Blessings to you all

I am..

TFG

 

 

TFG: I don't know how Gracey will respond - but "I have called THE WIFE???????

 

This is just wrong, she's not the wife! Gracey is YOUR precious wife! To me this needs to be corrected. If the other helpers feel I'm out of line - I'll step back - but this has always been a fighting word for me.

 

I understand: the dog, the cat, the bird - but not THE wife.....

 

Maggie

[Thankful for Gracey]

Maggie, please accept my most humble apologies. I couldn't see the forest for the trees. I have no excuses and I'm not looking for any either. I am wrong for stating it that way and it will NEVER happen again. And also to my most awesome, most precious the absolute bomb of a woman, I'm going to bed and this is my last night of shifts for a couple of weeks. We will go this weekend and have fun with M and get some rays. See you this afternoon and have a good day at work.

Maggie, thank you for bringing that to my attention. You are so right and I am ashamed. Men, pay attention . this is my most precious wifes bestest buddy keeping me in line. These women are God's girls, not ours. Treat them right and with respect and it will all come out at the end.

Blessings

TFG

[gracey520]

I did raise an eyebrow on her the other day. I have this thing where if she delays in her thought process, I finish her sentence for her. I have done this for years and she has corrected me for years. I think I have the idea now

 

LOL. Well, you are STARTING to get the idea, but you still do this almost every day. It sends me the message, "Hurry up and finish, because I know exactly where this is going." And have you noticed how many times you are dead wrong on what I was going to say? Almost every single time.

 

You are doing very well. I would pat you on the back but your post seems to be one big pat on the back for yourself at how well you are doing. It doesn't sit well with me, in light of how in the past you have always focused on your good points. I have a hard time pinpointing what is irritating me about your post, but maybe it is this:

 

after all of the years of being hurt and neglected, after all the years of my lying to her, getting arrested for drugs and just making her life a living hell, she just can't drop it. Not now anyway. It took years to get her this way and I have to lay my life down for her no matter how long it takes. There just is now way that after the pain I inflicted on her and the kids, that I could even fathom her forgiving me in such a short time.

 

It's not that I can't "drop it," nor that I haven't forgiven you. It is that I am still in pain. There is a difference. I am not walking in unforgiveness toward you. I just can't make the jump from dealing with lies and cyber-unfaithfulness in May and June to "OHM status" in July. Like they said at the Intensive, I have to keep my wall up to an extent until I know you are safe. You are being very understanding, and I REALLY appreciate that, but you don't quite understand where I am. I have forgiven, but my wall is still up and I felt like we were moving at warp speed to tear down my wall and be happy happy joy joy.

 

I am spending lots of time in the Word to renew my mind and to regain the positive attitude I had before I got beaten down by marriage (my ex and then you). I am making real progress, and I am working HARD behind the scenes to deal with my issues. So your post just struck a nerve when you made it sound like I am at a standstill on the forgiveness issue, but you are going great guns in every area. I know that is not what you intended, so I am just letting you know how I feel, not chewing you out.

 

I would prefer that your posts focus on what a wonderful wife you have (because you do), how awesome it is that your wife is working so hard (because I am) to have an OHM with you, how forgiving I am, how strong I am, etc.

 

And yes, Maggie, I do not care for being called "the wife." He hung his head when he read your post. He won't do that again.

 

Love you,

Gracey

[gracey520]

TFG,

You missed an opportunity to bring some healing when you read my post and responded with, "Yeah, I didn't word that too well." I addressed several issues in my post, and it was more than just your wording. Since you are working 12 hr night shifts right now, we will talk about it later.

 

I just read that you offered MAGGIE a HUGE apology for offending HER with your post. MEN, PAY ATTENTION. DO NOT OFFER YOUR WIFE'S BEST FRIEND MORE OF AN APOLOGY THAN YOU OFFER YOUR WIFE.

 

Again, we will just go with the fact that you've worked 12 hrs for the last 6 days and wanted to get some sleep before you go back in tonight. Next time, please say, "I really want to talk to you about your concerns, but I am so exhausted that I don't think I can focus right now. When can we talk?" instead of saying, "I didn't word that too well," and then changing the subject to our trip this weekend. Especially after you just took the time to apologize WELL to Maggie.

 

See you later,

Gracey

[Thankful for Gracey]

Gracey, I did miss the opportunity to do some healing, as you said, and for that act of selfishness, I am asking for your forgiveness. I know how that must have made you feel like an “object” instead of my precious wife when in a previous post I referred to you as “the wife”. This is another lesson I have learned today in the process of healing my wife’s heart and getting my head on straight. I don’t want to make excuses for my actions nor am I. I am not going to blame the shift work either. I try and evaluate my way of thinking of how we are doing and like you mentioned to me this afternoon, I got in my comfort zone and it just passed right over my head. This was a mental error that will not happen again. I appreciate you bringing this to my attention. This is an important issue of your healing and my learning on how to make you happy.

 

After reading the post of mine again, it was a disservice to you for implying that you are hard hearted which you ARE NOT!! I totally intended for it to come across as patients to you for allowing me to even come back into your life again after all I have put you through. I know I have a long road to go ahead of me and this has to be a priority on my list on how I word and say certain things to encourage you and build you up. By stating that you couldn’t drop it, it does make the implication that you have not forgiven me, and it’s just not that way. I know you are still in a lot of hurt and pain and by my actions as early as today shows me how far a lack of concentration and maturity can set me back. The tongue is like a sharp knife…it kills without drawing blood. This is what I feel I have done to you Gracey. Not actually killing you but wounding your spirit and for this I ask your forgiveness.

 

In Proverbs 12:24 it states “Work hard and become a leader; be lazy and never succeed.”

I would like to change the word “leader” to husband. I want to become a husband to Gracey and succeed in our road to an OHM and it’s going to be a challenge to change my mentality and to stay out of my comfort zone. When I slip (lazy), I fall (fail). When I read this just today, I put in my mind to work hard and succeed. I just never realized till this evening how I could use this scenario in my married life. God puts these analogies in your head at just the right time and then He directs you on how they can help you.

Another one just came to mind I could surly use. Proverbs 34:14 “Seek peace and pursue it.” That goes in line with what Joel said at the intensive, “Happy Wife, Happy Life.”

 

I aim to make my wife happy no matter what. I messed up today but there are many more days and ways to make up for it. One thing I know for sure is that I don’t need to get in to the comfort zone mentality again.

 

Good night to all

TFG

[Thankful for Gracey]

Hello All, It has been a while since I posted and truthfully, I have been swamped at work. That’s not really an excuse, but it’s probably just being lazy. Gracey and I have been enjoying what time we have together, but with my work schedule being mostly 12 hour nights and me driving 2 ½ hours there and back, really doesn’t give us much quality time or as much as we would like. She mentioned something to me that she felt, with my work schedule that we were drifting away from where we should be relationship wise. A few text messages and a tele-prayer(praying together over the phone) when they go to bed, it just not the same as being there. A kiss and a hug in the morning when I get in and right before she leaves and a kiss and a hug when I get ready to leave when she returns. That has stuck in my mind and I know it’s a priority in our life. It’s not always that way, but here recently, we haven’t much of a choice. We had decided to home school our 9 year old for this year and the older child is doing great in college and wanting to go to U of A. We are really proud of all of our kids and what they are accomplishing.

 

Since returning from the intensive, I have had to work extra shifts due to different circumstances with my co workers having vacation and surgeries. I have been averaging an extra 20 hours a week extra since which really is good on the payday. I feel very grateful to be employed and being able to provide for my family. I feel I should provide in different ways than just financially. We had a few unexpected expenses while on the way there and before we returned back home from Florida. To me, providing plays a big part in the role as the man in the family cycle. I don’t want to make excuses for me being too tired for this or too tired for that. I suggested to Gracey that with the labor day holiday coming up that I would like for she and I to maybe just get away for a day and night to rejuvenate and to rest. We are still checking our schedules to see what will work. I put in a request this evening for a NO OT for that week. Her “part time” job, to me, is overwhelming. She is very blessed to be where she is, working with International students at the local community college and with the new school year, she is being stretched every which way. She taxis the kids everywhere to get them set up for the dorms and grocery shopping. She mentioned that her friend made the comment when these students are in a department store, (Wal-Mart), it’s like herding worms. They just go in every which way She gets very stressed dealing with a newer environment, but she pulls out of it like a pro. She enjoys her work and is very good at it, but there is really no set schedule for her which makes it difficult to plan personal time.

 

We have even “adopted” an exchange student till May. He is a good kid and very polite and is blending in to our lifestyle very well. I asked him if he were homesick and he replied “NO.” I asked him why and he told me that his parents were really strict and that we were cool.” Yea he’s getting Americanized…Alabama style!!

 

I am on the last few chapters of Ken Nair’s book, Discovering the Mind of a Woman, and find it very interesting and so true in so many ways. I find myself in his shoes and wishing I had dealt with my problems earlier in life. I use my past as a blueprint on how NOT to be a husband and with the studies J&K has provided, gives me the encouragement we need to be on the road to an OHM. I still have ways to go and I still stumble and fall. Staying in the word and writing my thoughts down is also a good way to stay focused on my journey with God. Gracey is a great helpmeet and keeps me in line when needed. I always find a few minutes to scope out the forum and read how others are doing and so on.

It was good to post and I pray the journey for all is smooth and enjoyable. This program works only if you want it to work!!

 

Blessings to all and I am

Thankful For Gracey

[gracey520]

TFG,

 

All that you said is so true. But since we don't WANT to drift apart, we will look for ways to spend some time together and also to cut back on expenses so that you don't need to work so much overtime. Like you said, when we pay off those unexpected expenses (we had AC go out on 2 cars, new tires for one, dental work, and of course the regular expenses of textbooks for a college students), we will be in better shape. Also, I know you will continue to look for a job with more regular hours. And no, Forum Land, we are not interested in MLM/Zurvita. Just not our style.

 

My job is stressful, but getting much better! And the hours will settle down as we get into the semester -- it is always hectic trying to get all the students in the dorm, registered, ready for school, etc. I supposedly work 19 hrs a week, but for a couple of weeks I worked full-time and now I am getting back to 19 hrs, and I do have comp time from when I worked more hours.

 

Anyway, things will work out and get better since we are on the same page about it.

 

Blessings,

Gracey

[Thankful for Gracey]

This is a two-fold post. One to Julie (Ms. Clean) and the other to men who promise their wifes one thing and don't follow through with it. The first part is to Julie. Have you ever heard of the old saying, “clean off on your own doorstep before going to someone else’s house?” I am posting here to rescind what I had mentioned in my previous post. Gracey brought it to my attention that the post was more about me than about D. I ask for your forgiveness over what I had said. I made it sound like “me” and what great things “I” have done when it should have been about D dying to you. D, forgive me.

I sound like I spend all sorts of time with my family and never miss church. What really happens is that I have turned into a borderline workaholic and didn’t even realize it until Gracey brought this to my attention about how much time I spent away from home and how many tons of time I missed church or opportunities to do church functions because of work. It’s true I spend time at my work and I drive a good while to get there and back. I spend too much time away from my family. I promised Gracey that I wouldn’t ever do that again. I have been falling in that trap because the signs of the almighty $$ was ringing up in my mind. It was a greed thing and I wasn’t even aware of what I was doing.

I should be dying to myself for Gracey and I can’t do that unless I am around her. Just this week, she told me that she felt like were drifting apart again. At that time, it was and had been a constant thought on my mind. I told her I would like for she and I to take off for a little R&R for just an overnight trip. She agreed and we had planned on going Sunday for the day and night. Well last night, I made the comment that I was ask if I wanted to work this upcoming Sunday. I had never committed to do so, but by not thinking about Gracey’s feelings or the plans we had made, I told her about the offer of overtime. I made it sound so good like 52 hrs OT for 2 weeks. We were in front of the kids and I blurted out how much $$ I would be making. That was me bragging and not taking Gracey’s heart in to consideration. I promised her last week that I was putting in for no OT for Labor Day week so we could spend some time together and I put that by the wayside because of the greed taking hold of me.

Gracey is my heart and I didn’t think I would ever hurt her again, but I slipped because of the work. One thing for sure, I will never do this again.

This has been a major set back and I never saw it coming even though she has given these hints for a while. How blind can one man be?? I must be ever vigilant on my actions and to be sure that Gracey and my family come first. My thoughts and my actions have to be on the same page. Just because I think I am doing something for the good of the family, doesn’t necessarily mean just that. I will communicate better and place her feelings above all else.

 

Gracey, I am sorry for being so selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings. I know you must feel like you are second to my job. This is not so. I love you so much and I understand that this has been a set back in our relationship after such the blow I put in your lap last night. It will not happen again. The only OT that I will work is what I have no control over. When the schedule is put out the work is distributed between the off shifts to make up for the vacations and planned situations like these past few weeks. I did volunteer for a few of the extras, but I thought I was doing this for us. Wrong, it was for me and my way of thinking. I am very sorry.

 

After only two months after the intensive, I have dropped the ball. Please forgive me

 

I am

Thankful For Gracey

[gracey520]

I forgive you. Unfortunately, because you have chosen to do this again and so soon after the intensive, I am pretty much back in the place of couldn't care less. You are completely unaware of who you are and what you do until I smack you in the face with it.

 

Like you said, you went blabbing to Julie about how her husband should be like you, working all these hours and then spending time with God, your wife and your family, when you are rarely at church and we never see each other. I teach a mixed gender Bible study that you have never attended, am in a prayer ministry that you chose not to be a part of (although I am now dropping out of that), and teach children at my old church and will be teaching for a couple of months at our church. You claim that you feel like your calling as far as ministry is to be a support to me, a behind the scenes person, while I teach and encourage others. But you are so far behind the scenes that you aren't even there.

 

I will post on my own thread about how to handle my lack of feelings. I know other women are dealing with much worse, open abuse, but after living all those years with you putting on a huge front, I HATE IT when you think you are doing so great and tell others that when you AREN'T.

[C2]

Thankful, you said:

 

What really happens is that I have turned into a borderline workaholic and didn’t even realize it until Gracey brought this to my attention about how much time I spent away from home and how many tons of time I missed church or opportunities to do church functions because of work. It’s true I spend time at my work and I drive a good while to get there and back. I spend too much time away from my family. I promised Gracey that I wouldn’t ever do that again. I have been falling in that trap because the signs of the almighty $$ was ringing up in my mind. It was a greed thing and I wasn’t even aware of what I was doing.

 

Thankful, it is time to redefine your success as a man. When you define your success as a man by being a good husband, your thoughts, feelings, and actions will follow. Until then work (and who know what else) is #1 and Gracey knows it.

 

When I am around couples, I watch how the man treats his wife. If he treats her with disregard, my opinion of him drops. I know inside he is an immature selfish little boy. When I watch a man treat his wife with courtesy and respect and see the gleam in his eye for his wife and watch them make eye contact and exchange little looks, I admire that man.

 

God is watching you. And people are watching you. Do you really think other people are all that impressed about your paycheck when your life and your wife are a mess? Yes, you need to pay the bills, but don’t let this overtime thing become your God. It seems so admirable on the surface but underneath, you are sacrificing something priceless.

 

At the end of the day do you feel successful because you worked a 12 hour day…or do you feel successful because you spend time with your wife and put a smile on her face? She’s your mirror and I’m not seeing that many smiles.

 

Married to a workaholic so I recognize one, C2

[gracey520]

What really happens is that I have turned into a borderline workaholic and didn’t even realize it

 

Good grief. This has been an issue since the very earliest days of our relationship. You KNOW this, you KNOW this, you KNOW this. Don't act here on the boards like we haven't discussed this repeatedly for 16 years, how you get your self image from your job and you were taught that being a provider was being a good husband and father. This is not a news flash for you. You went back there with FULL KNOWLEDGE, even though we have discussed it and J&K discussed it at the intensive as well.

 

What REALLY happened is that you were willing to sell a day (and night) with me to your employer for about $400. Thanks. Nice to know I am worth less to you than a good call girl, not to mention you breaking the promises you had made to me about no more overtime and an overnight trip away. You are supposedly just dying to spend some time alone with me, and your employer mentions overtime and you jump. Let me tell you what really stinks. If you had tickets to an Alabama ball game, you can be blasted sure you would have told them NO WAY on earth you would work overtime. That sucks.

 

Also, I don't even believe for a minute that you had not told them that you would work those hours. I believe that AFTER I said something about it, you went back to work and told them you couldn't work them after all. So I feel like you are most likely lying to cover your a**. Makes me sick to my stomach.

 

I always feel guilty about our marriage because I have so little feelings toward you. I was talking to our pastor today and I said, "I feel terrible because I don't feel like I should toward him, and he so desperately wants this to work." My pastor's response? "He doesn't want it desperately, or he wouldn't be working all this overtime, and he sure wouldn't have taken any chance at missing time with you. YOU are working harder at this marriage than he is, and he is the one who is supposed to be winning you back. Quit beating yourself up, PLEASE."

 

So, yes, I HAVE been working at this. I am going to quit beating myself up. I spend waaaaay too much time feeling like a failure and a mean, angry person, and I'm not. I have worked at this marriage, pursued a close relationship with God, ministered at church and in the community, and developed great relationships with my kids. I am sick of hating myself when I have followed hard after God and tried to pour myself into relationships. I am sorry that you did not value the fact that I poured myself out for you for years and years, but I am not going to hate myself any more just because YOU killed my feelings for you. That is on you, not on me.

 

And TFG, this is a HUGE setback. For you to say you want to spend some time alone with me and then toss away the opportunity like this speaks WORLDS to me. Your actions say that you didn't really have all that much desire to spend time with me. Getting ahead on the bills is more important than time with me. That is what you told me, LOUD and CLEAR. So fine, pay the bills. Work Sunday and let the guys at work pat you on the back. Or let your boss know that you are the go-to guy. And don't expect to get an opportunity to be alone with me any time soon, because it's not worth that much to you anyway.

 

Furious,

Gracey

Edited September 2, 2010 by gracey520

[gracey520]

All that you said is so true. But since we don't WANT to drift apart, we will look for ways to spend some time together and also to cut back on expenses so that you don't need to work so much overtime. Like you said, when we pay off those unexpected expenses (we had AC go out on 2 cars, new tires for one, dental work, and of course the regular expenses of textbooks for a college students), we will be in better shape. Also, I know you will continue to look for a job with more regular hours.

 

Based on our conversation, I see that you thought that the above post by me meant I was saying it was okay for you to continue to work a lot of overtime until we got bills paid off. That is not what I meant. I sent the wrong message to you. It is evidence of how little we communicate that our infrequent posts are considered the "standard" of what we agreed on. In other words, if we were communicating face to face on a regular basis, my post wouldn't have taken on so much meaning. Oh well. Another lesson learned.

 

Gracey

[gracey520]

Just thought I would check in and see if TFG had posted anything. We had a huge blowout Friday a.m. and I spent most of the weekend in bed with the worst bout of depression I have had in years.

 

Gracey

[Thankful for Gracey]

Just thought I would check in and see if TFG had posted anything. We had a huge blowout Friday a.m. and I spent most of the weekend in bed with the worst bout of depression I have had in years.

 

Gracey

Gracey, I haven’t posted for the reason of wanting to think about what transpired. I was selfish and uncaring of your feelings. I was more concerned about how I was going to communicate with you. I was angry about my promises that I had broke and losing out all the way around. I was ill because M had made a mess and tried to hide it. I blew up at him and for that I am very sorry. I apologized to him and talked to him today. That will not happen again. I know I upset him and he was devastated. For him, I know that hurt. He wrote me a note to me that he had heard us arguing and he was upset at that also. When I do the things I do, I upset everyone and for this I am very sorry.

As I mentioned to you I think this all goes back to how my father was about money and how I am concerned about paying the bills. I am not going to volunteer for any more OT but as they schedule, I have no control over that. The almighty dollar isn’t worth the pain and the agony that the whole family has undertaken, especially you. You have too much on your plate as it is and don’t need me to add to what you have already. You do not deserve what I have put you through. My request for attention from you is a selfish request and for that, I am very sorry. From this point forward, when you are busy at the computer, I will not disturb you. I will hold on to what I have to say till later.

When I was doing my Bible study, I ran across this saying from Proverbs 29:20. “There is more hope for a fool than for someone who speaks without thinking” this rang a bell with me and as I have said before that it’s what comes out of the mouth that is unclean….I am so sorry for my hurtful words as if you haven’t worked as hard as I have on our marriage. That was a stupid remark on my part. You have worked on me for 17 years. It has been me that has been the catalyst of our problems. I have made a vow to become even more spiritual in our relationship and let God do his thing with me. I may not like what He does, but I know the outcome will be well worth anything He has planned for me.

Another passage from Proverbs 17:27, 28 say “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue” This make me understand to myself that I need to be even more involved in the Word than what I am today. I need God to reveal to me BEFORE I go off like I did. I should be dying to you everyday and to be seeking His wisdom everyday also. For my lacking in doing so, I ask your forgiveness. I am aware that it isn’t hard for me to ask this but I do know it’s hard for you to accept. This is something I can be patient with. It didn’t take overnight to get myself in this mess and I realize it won’t be overnight till your heart is healed. I am not going to give up on our marriage by no means. I will be there whenever you need me or want me no matter what!! My heart is with you and this ordeal has been another eye opener for me that I will not soon forget. It is said people learn from their mistakes. I can’t stand too many more of these. I don’t like them nor do I like being the cause of them. As I mentioned before, I must stay in the Word and practice what God has said for me to do as a husband.

You are my world

 

I am

TFG

[For Him For Her]

Thankful for Gracey,

 

I am not sure if I have asked you this before. Have you read my story? If not,please do. I want you to see what a man's heart who longs for his Beautiful looks like. It is NOT a pretty thing. It is one of the reasons I help here. The first reason is to help men stop destroying their precious wives hearts. The second is so that no man has to walk the road I am on. I want someday to look back and the path behind me to close so that no man or woman has to suffer this incredible pain we have all experienced here. We men hold the power to stop ALL of the pain. Think about that for a minute. With God's amazing grace we have the power to take away ALL of this pain and make sure it never happens again.

 

I will spend the rest of my life teaching men how to do this. And here is the sad part. At this time it appears it will be without my Beautiful. Are these the shoes you really want to walk in?

 

God Bless

David

[gracey520]

TFG,

I know you are sorry. I know you love me. I just don't see this situation ever changing. We are in a worse place now than we were before the Intensive because I saw you start changing and then go back. This time, you went back to the old man with FULL knowledge. Before you were ignorant. I told you before the Intensive that I was at the END of my rope and that it was our Last Chance.

 

I don't have the energy to try to maintain my sanity (which seems to be a full-time job right now), work, be decent for the kids, AND try and push you in the right direction.

 

A lot of this is my fault because I'm such a mess mentally. It takes a tremendous amount of focus on God and the Word for me to be stable and functional enough to fulfil my obligations to the family, work, and my ministry stuff. I know I must scale back and pull out of teaching because my first focus is on God and then my family, but of course I get so much enjoyment and fulfillment out of teaching that it hits me hard to pull back. But I can't keep pouring out of an empty well, and I can't seem to tap into God's power and love.

 

I am very sorry M heard us arguing and was upset. That is another reason I didn't want to talk to you -- I knew I was going to blow it, because I knew you were going to deny being mad, and it was going to be our old life all over again and I would be furious. And I was. And now Micah is upset and worried. One more thing for me to be depressed about.

 

Right now, I don't care what happens with this marriage. I am more devastated by the fact that I have pressed in so hard to hear from God and know Him, and I feel like I am getting silence. I am told that I am blocking Him by my anger or my unforgiveness or my unbelief, but I have seen Him make a major appearance in the lives of people who weren't seeking Him at all, or were actively against Him. I hear people say, "Well, i asked God just to show me if He was real, and of course He did. I just felt this huge light (or love or warmth) all over me." Or whatever. I have been in the Word, read books, prayed, soaked, listened, and begged for something really clear from Him, and nothing. So I am absolutely devastated. THAT hurts.

[maggie's jublee]

TFG: Looney wrote this today to another man, I thought of you as I read it:

 

Remember that you did not get to this point overnight, and it's not going to get better overnight. Most women are 6-8 months behind their husband when the man starts to work on the marriage. That means that for a minimum of 6 months, you have to pour yourself into her, and you will probably get very little back. You can't go into this expecting any kind of a response. Your goal is to initiate love and life, period. She will respond when and how she is able.

 

You CAN turn this around. It's simple - just love your wife and die to yourself. Mind you I said it's simple, but it's not easy. It's probably going to be the hardest thing you've ever done, but it will be SO worth it.

 

Simply put, if you don't feed LIFE into GRACEY - she will die and so will your marriage. No one wants that! Get on the forum, get on the conference calls, do your homework, BE NICE! be a Christlike man! quit whining or wanting her to go first! She's done that ALL of your marriage. She is NOT a husband, she is a wife!

 

And, please don't apologize to me - take your energy and GIVE LIFE TO YOUR WIFE!

Maggie

[Thankful for Gracey]

I need some immediate help. I have an anger problem and need advise on how to deal with it. It's not the type of breaking things or physical anger. It just comes and goes. When I am asked what are you mad about I reply "nothing". That is the sign to my family that I am angry. I know when I get in my comfort zone, it is more apt to come out. This is causing tremendous pressure on our relationship and our family life. Please help and pray.

TFG