Nothing real bad- just bad

[queenie_and_dude]

Hi there- I am writing because I feel confused about what stage I am at with my husband.

 

We have been married 17 years- and at the beginning I found out he was spending lots of time and money engaging in phone sex. I felt very betrayed and hurt- probably still do to some extent- because I see how that has affected how we are today. I am pretty sure he does not engage in anything like that now and for the past several years because I made such a stink and fuss to the priests and counselors- who talked with him about it. I think my ob/gyn said it best, " he stole your sexuality from you " But everything is so bland and boring. We have not been intimate in many years.

 

I really don't like being around him he is so loud and negative- he talks a lot about himself- he interrupts and doesn't have patience for what I want to talk about. He is so focused on his news- his opinions - his beliefs- his schedule - the budget - the house is so messy -the kids aren't doing what they're supposed to. It's like he's afraid of me or hiding behind me or something- he doesn't initiate much of anything. Doesn't fix things around the house unless I'm pulling my hair out- like there's no pride in keeping things functional, let alone beautiful- he's so focused on my "bitterness and anger" like I need to take care of that before he is able to do anything.

 

Sure he'll say he's interested in having a better marriage- and he says he will read the books, watch the DVD, call the Thursday night conference call, go on an intensive, do all the things that I have sought out to get help, etc. but does not initiate or follow through with much of this on his own. He does have time to do things for himself, though. For example he can train and run on half marathons and marathons- which takes a lot of time and energy. but on the otherhand he doesn't have time to finish painting the kitchen, for example, I could list a hundred things- almost a year now that the kitchen has been blotchy white and wood panel mix when my kids and I pulled out the paint one day- kinda messy. My way of trying to get him to do something.

 

He'll have all kind of excuses for not really trying to make it to an intensive- he's too busy, has no time off work, too expensive, etc. I wish that he would initiate reading a book! So, no affairs going on here - no physical abuse - nothing real dramatic- just arguments and not much connection at all. Just doing the routine with homeschooling kids, going to work, eating and sleeping. Boring. It takes so much energy to do what I got to do, do the things I'd like him to do, and tolerate the rest. I am finding that going out to get little pamperings like a pedicure makes me feel a little better- or an ice cream at B & J's....or a dvd, etc. So, where are we at? maybe I'll suggest that he read this post on the forum...

 

Thanks for listening!

 

Wanting to feel like a queen someday,

Queenie

 

I have read both books-Dude skimmed both

We just received the audio version - starting to listen-loud enough so that Dude can hear...

watched DVD, need to watch again.

[Esther]

Hi there and welcome! I'm just starting this journey myself, so I have no advice to give, but your husband sounds alot like mine. Always time for them to do 'thier thing'. You'll get great help from being here, and much needed validation. I'll pray for you.

[Rebecca]

Hi queenie,

 

You are going to have to find a way to get tough with your husband. No sex is sin. That is my opinion. Marriage is sex, sex is marriage, unless there is actual physical illness to prevent it.

 

Your husband is sinning sexually against you somehow, somewhere if you two are not engaging in an active sex life together. He has the wool pulled over your eyes about this.

 

Keep reading and get empowered, pray and ask the Lord for some specific guidance in how you can put some pressure on your husband to read the books, view the DVD seminar and begin to take them seriously.

 

How many children do you have and how old are they? We veiwed the DVD seminar with our kids. They enjoyed them right along with mom and dad. This will also be a big help in causing your husband some discomfort as the children will be learning what kind of husband he is supposed to be.

[queenie_and_dude]

Hi Rebecca-Thanks for the reply- I agree with you about the sex- I find it unbelievable that I'm living like this- I have been mostly fit to be tied- but now resigned to it. I tell him that we are living a lie when we have no intimacy- we are not living as man and wife- he puts his head in the sand. I'd be interested to see if anyone out there could give me more ideas to find out if he's distracted....I've been watching- but I haven't been a hawk.

 

We have 6 children 5-15 years old. That's an idea about them viewing the dvd with us- I had thought of it as more adult themed- but they will need to learn what a healthy marriage should be. Good point.

 

Thanks for the help,

[Rebecca]

Hi queenie,

 

We have 12 kids, 10 still at home. When we watched the DVD seminar our older kids enjoyed them very much. They were very good for our two teen daughters to see. Now they know how a husband is to treat his wife!

 

Your husband needs to be exposed. You need all the tools in your tool box that you can get.

 

Pray that the Lord would expose what is being done in darkness. Your husband is not innocent. He is hiding something. God can and will expose it to you as you ask in prayer in faith.

[queenie_and_dude]

Hi Rebecca- you've been so blessed! I would have 10 more if I could- we have had numerous miscarriages....and now I am unable to bear any more....even if I had the cooperation! I have had to ask for every single act toward the possibility of new life. Early on I asked over and over for him to be close with me, come to bed with me, etc. - he had reasons why he had to stay up- busy with schoolwork, etc. I didn't know that a man could appear so uninterested. Huge dissappointment for me.

 

Our 2 oldest are girls 14 and 15. I'm thinking that the seminar videos are maybe still a bit adult for them- my younger ones would probably not be interested. What do you think?

 

As far as my husband hiding something- I'll scrutinize this more closely- I may need some suggestions- I don't think I am naive in this area.

 

BTW- my husband did read these posts- he took exception to my saying he skimmed the books- he in fact read them. I stand by my impression that he did not absorb the material in them. I have to talk with him about your speculations......

 

Thanks again for your posts.

[Rebecca]

Hi queenie,

 

I have a few more thoughts for you to consider. Most men would find it humiliating to admit to no sex drive. Is your husband claiming that he has no sex drive or desire? Is he on some kind of medication preventing his normal drive? Since he runs marathons I assume he is in good physical shape?

 

There are two kinds of christian men. The ones who are actively dying to self becoming more and more Christ -like, or all the rest who are liars and are hiding sin. There is no in between.

 

For many years my husband was the kind who was a very good liar and was hiding sin although he had the appearance of being a righteous man. However, he had me thoroughly deceived. He was hiding his porn addiction and we did have an active sex life together. He still was self gratifying and hiding this from me. I thought that he was being righteous.

 

Now here your husband is not having his sexual outlet with you his wife and you are to believe that he is being a righteous man? That is not likely.

 

You need to confront him on this and put pressure on him. He is lying to you.

 

A righteous man of God has an active sexual relationship with his wife. That is Biblical. The Lord would not lead your husband into a lifestyle of sexual denial. That would be in direct opposition to the Word of God concerning marriage and sex.

 

I am glad that your husband is reading these posts. He needs to keep reading!

[Kay]

Hi Queenie,

 

Not too many guys on this Forum who doesn't like to have sex with their wives. But, as you read this, you are meeting another victim (ME)

 

glad to have someone who can relate! Most men can't get enough, mine is finally initiating, although, I know his heart isn't in it. We did learn the why's of it, during the Intenisive, and he's "trying" but, still not nearly where I'd like it to be. In fact, most of our fights have involved sex, or shall I say, the "lack" of it.

 

My guess, in your situation, is that your husband didn't "quit" his addiction that you exposed him to, he's just hiding it much better these days.

 

Until he comes clean, things will never be good between you. Sounds like he needs Joel and Kathy "live" I'd insist that he take you both to an Intensive, and I'd definitely keep your eyes open in the mean time.

I never thought mine would cheat (been married 24 years with 5 kids - we were happy, content (or so I thought) I was wrong, naive, dumb, whatever you want to call it.

 

I don't want to scare you, but................ your husband is getting his "release" somewhere or somehow or with someone. Now, you're going to have to figure this out. Pray that prayer. Let whatever is in darkness come into the light. (My oldest daughter prayed it for me, without our knowledge, and let me tell you - GOD SHOWED ME EVERTHING (at least I hope there is not more - still haven't gotten to fully trusting yet)

 

Oh, and don't expect your husband to admit to anything. THAT is not going to happen, unless J & K get involved, then it's a maybe at best.

 

You deserve to be loved and cherished the way God made it to be. You are enabling him to "emotionally and physically neglect" you. (I did it for years too - I never knew HOW to change our situation - and the hurt was devistating. I mean, how do you ASK your husband to ML to you - makes you feel like a "sleaze" kwIM ???

 

Bad, but not that bad, can get a lot worse, if you don't act on this and get some help. Men don't just settle for no sex in life.

 

Your in my prayers

Kay

[queenie_and_dude]

Hello, Kay-

 

I thought I was the only one on the planet!!! just kidding. I'll be we could talk for hours about all this... makes me feel better knowing that you can relate.

 

I have some theories about why my husband doesn't initiate - we've been to counsellors and no one has caught on- because Dude can appear very sincere and innocent- he's like Jekyll and Hyde- then they end up talking to me about my problems. makes me feel insane. I think its a combination of several things....

 

Funny thing- we are going to Fla. this week and will be in Naples on Friday- for an entirely different reason- we live 1300(?) miles away- we probably will have to head to the other side of the state by the mid afternoon- when the seminar is starting with J&K. Bummer.

 

Thanks for your words-

[Kay]

Any chance of the two of you getting to an intensive ?

 

I'm sorry for your pain. By the way, Brokenheartedm could probably relate and Gaininhope, so you're not alone.

 

We just talked about this last night/this morning. He tells me that I'm wrong about Men needing Sex in their life. That there is nothing scientifically proven at al that says a man has to release.

 

Doesn't know what to do. But, doesn't understand how I could even think of divorcing him because he doesn't want sex as much as me.

 

uh,,,,,,,,,,, like um maybe NEVER would be correct. Very frustrating.

 

I hope for all of our sake, that our Men are the exception that doesn't need it, which would mean that they are at least faithful to us. I don't know if I could handle more. kwim ??

[queenie_and_dude]

Kay- yes I do know what you mean. it is very frustrating- I think a lot of troubles that are seemingly unrelated go right back to this problem of no intimacy- lack of interest on our husbands' parts- makes me feel sub human- I feel like my femininity is gone. I feel like I'm living with my brother- the one I didn't get along with. Why would I want to be in that guy's bedroom???

 

On the other hand- there are a lot of celibate people- good holy ones- like the many good priests of the Church- but that vocation wasn't what I bargained for when I got married!!

 

Is there any schedule of intensives past May?

 

God Bless,

[Judy]

Is there any schedule of intensives past May?

 

J&K only schedule a new date when the current one is filled up. So they won't plan a June Intensive until the May one is fully booked.

But you can count on there being one almost every month.

Watch for new dates in the Today's News forum.

[Judy]

I really don't like being around him he is so loud and negative- he talks a lot about himself- he interrupts and doesn't have patience for what I want to talk about. He is so focused on his news- his opinions - his beliefs- his schedule - the budget - the house is so messy -the kids aren't doing what they're supposed to. It's like he's afraid of me or hiding behind me or something- he doesn't initiate much of anything. Doesn't fix things around the house unless I'm pulling my hair out- like there's no pride in keeping things functional, let alone beautiful- he's so focused on my "bitterness and anger" like I need to take care of that before he is able to do anything.

 

That's the arrested development, self centered living. The lack of sex on his part means he's getting it taken care of some other way, moral failure is devistating in a marriage, it's just simply not normal for a man to not have sexual desires.

 

Sure he'll say he's interested in having a better marriage- and he says he will read the books, watch the DVD, call the Thursday night conference call, go on an intensive, do all the things that I have sought out to get help, etc. but does not initiate or follow through with much of this on his own. He does have time to do things for himself, though. For example he can train and run on half marathons and marathons- which takes a lot of time and energy. but on the otherhand he doesn't have time to finish painting the kitchen, for example, I could list a hundred things- almost a year now that the kitchen has been blotchy white and wood panel mix when my kids and I pulled out the paint one day- kinda messy. My way of trying to get him to do something.

 

Yes, I heard him on the call saying he would do what it took, yet at the same time a little bluster also involved there. Again the arrested development is keeping him totally self-focused and only thinking of himself and how he can feel good about himself and focus only on himself.

 

He'll have all kind of excuses for not really trying to make it to an intensive- he's too busy, has no time off work, too expensive, etc. I wish that he would initiate reading a book! So, no affairs going on here - no physical abuse - nothing real dramatic- just arguments and not much connection at all. Just doing the routine with homeschooling kids, going to work, eating and sleeping. Boring. It takes so much energy to do what I got to do, do the things I'd like him to do, and tolerate the rest. I am finding that going out to get little pamperings like a pedicure makes me feel a little better- or an ice cream at B & J's....or a dvd, etc. So, where are we at? maybe I'll suggest that he read this post on the forum...

 

It doesn't have to be physical or sexual abuse to make a marriage bad. The seemingly little things can simply add up to everything in a marriage being bad and over the years it builds into mountains of hurt and dysfunction.

 

No, you can't divorce him because of a lack of sex, but you can expect follow through to the promises he's made about your marriage. Give him a list of areas he's not meeting your needs along with a list of what you'd like him to do to meet those needs. Example - read both books, watch the DVD, join Joel's men's mentoring group and each conference call, and sign up for an intensive.

[queenie_and_dude]

Hi Judy- Yes- you are saying it like I see it- he will say all the right things- I think even to himself- but he is delusional. As you might have noticed he hasn't gotten back onto the Thursday night calls.....to his credit we do work late on Thursday nights- and this Thurs we are in Florida visiting my folks. I have always thought it is very unnatural to not have a drive- or to override it for unknown reasons.

 

I wrote out a lot of cards- about 8-9 years ago- listing things that I wanted him to do.....he was bewildered and a little upset at first about them- it was overwhelming to him, I think. They were written positively - I feel loved by you when you.......He basically ignored them. I'd like to see what they are again- I have forgotten what I wrote. Time to do it again.

 

I am enjoying the audio of the books- adds a lot to hear their voices- I ripped through the books the first time- now I am really absorbing J&K's messages. I'm bring the DVDs in the car on our trip.

 

Thanks again for your input,

[Kay]

You sound so calm .........

 

I read that you're visiting your parents in Florida ?? What part of Fl. do they live. Anywhere near K & J ???

My parents have a Summer home near Fort Meyer's. We're visiting them in a couple of weeks.

 

Now, back to your story....... Did Dude comment about the call last week ?? You are going to really have to start getting tough on him, in order for your situation to change. Will he go to an Intensive ??

[queenie_and_dude]

HaHa! Calm? ask Dude about that one. Honestly- I have been really sick about all of this- I have had some pretty serious health consequences regarding the stress of it - launching into early menopause one of the more permanent ones so far- darn it if I don't have those "Man's best friend" moments for Dude anymore- although I am able to replicate on demand.

 

We are driving to FL tomorrow to visit Hypoluxo where my folks and Grampa- 96yo are its on the ocean side.... We are driving to Naples for a visit to a college this Fri where we notice there will be a weekend seminar. Husband bashed the idea of seeking anything out. I have printed out a bunch of posts mainly on the p-a thread to scour thru- and bringing all the arms- DVD, CD of books and other books recommended. Guess what I'll be playing in the car?

 

I do imagine that we will make it out to an intensive- I hope it will be sooner rather than later. I have a feeling that we are so close but yet so far this upcoming week. It's the planning of it all-hard to plan when we don't know the dates- who's going to watch the kids- Dude doesn't have much vacation time at work- blah, blah, blah. Dude takes forever to move forward an inch- and I am supposed to be so encouraged and grateful- do I sound bitter??

 

As far as the call goes- I will probably have to initiate this one again. He probably won't do it of his own volition- It wasn't life changing for him, yet. We won't be able to call this week b/c of travelling... I've done so much ranting that he doesn't take me seriously. His father and brothers are in his camp and probably agree with him about me and how crazy I am. He talks a lot with them on the phone- as far as I can tell its about politics and sports. Whatever. Sad thing is, that is when I see him most animated- in a positive way. We get the negative junk.

 

Anyway. I am so grateful for all your collective wisdom.

 

Thanks so much for your posts,

[JoelandKathy]

We are driving to Naples for a visit to a college this Fri where we notice there will be a weekend seminar. Husband bashed the idea of seeking anything out.

 

Egads! I have not read all of your posts and the helper's posts. All I caught is this last note, so sorry if there is info. that would change this comment, but on the surface, WHO CARES that hubby bashed the idea of coming to the seminar. You make it NON - NEGOTIABLE. You are HERE.. we are HERE! The seminar starts at 7 PM in four hours or so. If you get this message, simply tell him that this is non-negotiable. This is part of being a help-meet. You REQUIRE him to do something, even if he chooses not to. It is at New Hope Church at 7675 Davis Blvd. 239-348-0122

 

It is only $50 to register and I am sure you can register at the door. (I presume - though they may not have extra food for you on Saturday for lunch - if they say that you can't register, just say that we invited you today and that you will skip the group lunch.)

 

Kathy's cell number is 386-334-7873 if you hit a brick wall for whatever reason, though I am SURE the church will be very happy to have a last minute registrant.

 

Pray for the seminar! There are over 100 people registered, and they all paid their $50 registration, so we will have over 100 hungry hearts receiving from the Lord through us this weekend. Halelujah!

[queenie_and_dude]

Bless your heart! Thanks for the invite- I thought it might be neat to meet you for a minute and maybe stay for a few hours at the seminar- but we are down here to visit my folks who are on the ocean side and couldn't manage it this time (per husband).... I'm suggesting to my folks that they could babysit for us while we attend an intensive sometime (hopefully soon)- good news is that I've introduced your work to my mom she is very interested! We went drift fishing today and someone on our boat caught a 45 lb kingfish. I caught a trigger fish- what fun.- we're eating our catch tonight.

 

Sounds like you have a good turn out- prayers for a successful seminar.

[queenie_and_dude]

Hello all you healed and on the path to recovery- and those who may be frozen in a numbed state of ?misery?- like me?????

 

We have been back from our trip for a little while- hosted my brother and family and celebrated the Triduum of Holy Week and Easter....Happy Easter you all!

 

I have just recently followed up on my long time desire not to share a bedroom with my husband, especially since he is not acting like a husband in the bedroom (or out)...he is sleeping on the couch for the last 3 nights...doesn't like it one bit. I said he can have the bedroom and I'll make another room for myself in our (finished) basement- I just don't want to be with him anymore - he has promised change ad nauseum for years and I am tired of his talk. We'll see what this brings.

 

...just reread all these wonderful posts- thanks for the support. I cannot live in this condition- you all are right- he has been bringing me death. I am refusing to go to a family reunion with his side of the family coming up ---he doesn't like that idea at all. I need to see him do something about all this junk and not just a bandaid solution- I won't be the fool anymore - there's only so much a woman can take!

 

I am enjoying listening to the audio version of the books- I'm on book 2 and its really dear to hear them both say the words. We haven't (re)-watched the DVD yet- but I do like the idea of watching with the children...maybe just the olders- whenever we could manage that!

[Kay]

Hi Queenie,

 

Just letting you know that I'm praying for you. My prayers go unanswered in my own situation, but seems to be working for others. So, if I can bring healing to you, or change on your husband's part, I will pray. I am thinking that this is God's Purpose for me in this life, to bring healing to others through my pain and suffering.

 

Helping others gives me a sort of Peace in myself. Makes me feel better.

 

They say that the husband has to hit Rock Bottom before they get it. Mine only hit that Rock for a week. That's the problem. He needs to go there again. Before, I totally lose it.

 

Hang in there, let your man suffer - let him hurt - let him hit Rock Bottom, and maybe he will get this. Are you two scheduled for an Intensive ??

Can't remember.

 

Thinking of You!

Kay

[Rebecca]

My prayers go unanswered in my own situation,

 

Hi Kay, you don't know if this is true. I think that God is answering your prayers. He is faithful. You are a loving and kind christian woman. God knows exactly where you are at in this journey and HE is working on Rick's heart.

[michelle]

Kay'

 

I have not posted for a long time, came on here tonight "just to look" and started reading here. I hate to see you think that God is not answering your prayers. I have felt the same way and then I realized that it wasn't God not answering. God doesn't make us do anything, He wants us to come willingly to Him, and that is when I realized that it is our husbands not answering, not God. They are the ones that have to make a move, and if they are still wallowing in thier self(which most are) then they aren't going to do what thier supposed to, no matter what God wants them to do. Nobodies going to tell them what to do, so there ... now I'm going to stomp off and pout and you can't stop me! Sad isn't it? I am glad that I realized this though because it made me see God in the way that I know He is, reliable, unlike our husbands.

 

Michelle

[Celia]

queenie_and_dude

Believing God for Miracles in Marriages

 

 

Joined: 06 Oct 2007

Posts: 16

 

Posted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 4:05 pm Post subject: Joel asked me to post to the forum my note I wrote to J&

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Hi folks- as directed I have posted to the forum an exchange I had with Joel - I have changed our names to our aliases to protect our good name- hahaha. I think I just have had enough already.

Thanks for your help.

*********************************************

 

Hi "queenie"

 

Thank you - certainly I don't say to "dude" that everything will be ok

when

you choose to forgive him. We teach to lay his life down for you,

become

Christlike, meet your needs, and make every contact with you a positive

experience for you and ditto for the kids.

 

You should though post on the forum - your exact letter below, and my

reply here - under the "Women whose husbands are working to win their

wife's heart back" - People need to know what is going on so you can

be

encouraged and they can deal with "dude" correctly.

 

Thank you for writing.

 

Blessings,

 

Joel

 

 

 

> Hi Joel and Kathy,

>

> My youngest 4 children and I just got back from 2 weeks of being

away

> from our oldest 2 and "dude" who had to stay home because of work. It

was

> a great 2 weeks - without arguments and fights- more peace and calm

> visiting my mom and going camping than I have experienced in a long

> time.

>

> We returned midnight Friday- and it has been almost nonstop

arguments.

> "dude" has asked, in a very ugly tone, why I have been so mean to him

> *twice* in front of our children. He said that our girls have noticed

> how mean I have been to him- when in fact he was making comments

about

> all this in private to them about me. He quotes you to support his

> convoluted way of thinking. He says that you say to him that the

moment

> that things will turn around will be when I decide to forgive- and he

> shouts that at me self righteously like I'm wrong and sinning for

"not

> forgiving". He is trying to force me to be nice to him so he can

> continue doing what he wants to do- making things easy for himself,

> having his own way,etc...- which makes things a thousand times worse.

He

> said that he had 2 weeks of not having anyone treat him so mean....I

do

> not want to be around him. He is going to make me ill again. I am

> beginning to think he is unteachable. He is very manipulative- while

> acting soooo

> "wise and correct". His mouth is his fiercest weapon and he can turn

from

> Jekyll to Hyde in seconds. He talks way too much- no discretion, very

> mean in fact.

>

> I write to you personnally because "dude" is on the men's forum and

I'm

> not sure if he is taking any of this seriously.

>

> We have so much to do- and I find myself consumed with all this.

>

> God Bless you for your ministry,

 

> "queenie"

_________________

Read both books- now in process of listening to them

Watched DVD- need to watch again

Want to go on intensive SOON!

 

+JMJ+

Queenie