Apologies to Fiancee

[4evrHZdtr3]

The manual for what is "sin" and what isn't is the Bible. Adultery is sex with someone other than your spouse while you are married. Fornication is sex without the benefit of marriage. The marriage relationship is a picture of Christ and the church. He marries the Bride. We say "i do" before we have the power to use His name or be intimate with him. God always intended for one man and one woman to be united IN HIM.

 

The biggest problem I see here is that you are using the world's estimation of what is good and bad, not God's. "There is away that seems right to a man, but it's end is unto death." Proverbs 14:12

[guesswhozbak17]

The manual for what is "sin" and what isn't is the Bible. Adultery is sex with someone other than your spouse while you are married. Fornication is sex without the benefit of marriage. The marriage relationship is a picture of Christ and the church. He marries the Bride. We say "i do" before we have the power to use His name or be intimate with him. God always intended for one man and one woman to be united IN HIM.

 

The biggest problem I see here is that you are using the world's estimation of what is good and bad, not God's. "There is away that seems right to a man, but it's end is unto death." Proverbs 14:12

 

I think you hit it right on the nail 4evrHZdtr3. i GENUINELY felt I was doing the right thing. Part of me still does. I just don't see it as wrong as living with my son and my wife to be. I understand that we are not married yet but there's not a bone in my body that does not want us to be married. It was always my intention to marry her...child or not. I am very thankful to have had a child with her, I wouldn't want anyone else to be the mother of my children. With God's grace, when I win her heart back, we can do things the right way.

 

But again, 4evrHZdtr3, I think you hit it right on the nail that I have been using the world's estimation and not God's hence why I am here trying to better myself thru Him. 

 

Has anyone viewed the letter to the sister in-law? I would like to know if it is appropriate enough or needs any revision? Thank you all in advance. 

Edited January 14, 2014 by guesswhozbak17

[MaryJane]

Have you apologized directly to your fiancée yet? For manipulating her to have sex with you without God's blessing in marriage? For emotionally abusing her, giving specific examples? And for whatever other forms of abuse you may done?


I think you need to concentrate on healing her heart. Leave the secondary people in your lives for later. Unless your fiancée has asked you to see to them. Is the sister-in-law your fiancée's sister?

[guesswhozbak17]

Have you apologized directly to your fiancée yet? For manipulating her to have sex with you without God's blessing in marriage? For emotionally abusing her, giving specific examples? And for whatever other forms of abuse you may done?

 

 

I think you need to concentrate on healing her heart. Leave the secondary people in your lives for later. Unless your fiancée has asked you to see to them. Is the sister-in-law your fiancée's sister?

 

I wrote a 9 page letter apology to her on our anniversary in November. My fiancee has not requested that I apologize to her sister in-law. When we were together, I did ask to apologize but she said not to bother. I feel as if it will be hard to turn this ship around without the approval of her sister in-law. Her sister in-law is the wife of my fiancee's brother (of which I always had a good relationship with). She views her sister in-law as one of her sisters and as her best friend. 

 

I feel like every positive step I made after June, her sister in-law went out of her way to push me two steps backwards. I also feel that if her sister in-law can somehow forgive me or put or differences to the side, it will help in winning her heart back.

 

Ideally, I wish it could play out where I win back my fiancee's heart and she ultimately would be the one to mend things between us but I'm not sure how likely of a scenario that is. 

[Looney_Tunes]

My fiancee has not requested that I apologize to her sister in-law. When we were together, I did ask to apologize but she said not to bother.

 

 

Then don't.

 

I also feel that if her sister in-law can somehow forgive me or put or differences to the side, it will help in winning her heart back.

 

 

Nope. You will win her heart back by turning into the guy she actually wants to be with. If you are doing that, then what her sister in law thinks won't matter.

[guesswhozbak17]

Then don't.

 

 

Nope. You will win her heart back by turning into the guy she actually wants to be with. If you are doing that, then what her sister in law thinks won't matter.

 

Joel and I worked on the letter to the sister in-law last night and here is the final copy.

 

Dear (Name of sister in-law)

 

I owe you an apology that is long overdue. The way things turned out, you had faith in me and I failed miserably. What happened last June was all my fault. None of it should have happened and everything that took place happened because I was being immature. Really, I was being a big baby. I'm really sorry for what happened with you and my cousin. I don't know what was said but it was all my fault and it was wrong. You did not deserve that. None of it would have happened if I was a more gentle, loving and kind fiancee instead of a possessive jerk. I know you and (Name of fiancee) are very close in looking back now. I should have never been jealous of her friendship with you. I just wanted to let you know that I truly am sorry for the hurt, anger and stress I caused you.

 

 

I really am getting closure from this. No matter how it turns out, I feel good apologizing because it was a tough hurdle to get over. As Joel has told me, I have no expectations once she receives it. Thank you to all who helped in this process thus far. It is greatly appreciated.

[guesswhozbak17]

Tonight is a tough night. I'm battling with my emotions. More so, growing with my emotions. It's really hard seeing that I hurt the person who cared so much for me. Someone who wasn't always perfect but really did try their best...yet I just couldn't see that. It's going to be very challenging to turn this all around. This is truly going to test everything that I have inside of me as I see it getting a lot harder before it remotely gets easier. As one who spent a fair amount of his life playing sports, giving up on things has never been seen as an option for me. No matter the challenge, I could always dig deeper to find it in me to continue. But I must admit, as I see how far I believe I'm going to have to go...I see that I don't have it in me now; that I am going to need a lot of help to get  through this. I continue to ask God for the strength to deal with this as I need it and Him. There are going to be tougher days ahead. I have to continue to remind myself that this is a process. I'm positive I'm not the first to go thru this and I'm certain I won't be the last...but it is difficult to not feel as if certain things are unfair and unjust. But It's not my job to judge what is fair and what is not, I guess. Thank you to whoever read this. Just some random thoughts as I'm dealing with raw emotions.

[4evrHZdtr3]

It was UNFAIR and UNJUST for Jesus to go to the Cross for you and me... But He did it for the GLORY set before Him..

[4evrHZdtr3]

One more thing.. I have noticed that men who are in the beginning stages of recovery tend to use this forum as a place to vent their feelings about what is going on.. how hard it is.. how unfair it feels, etc.. we get that. It IS hard and It IS unfair but God doesn't call us- any of us- to easy and fair. He calls us all to Christ-likeness. And in marriage, that means sacrifice for the husband and godly response for the wife.

 

So when you are posting try to take it one step beyond how it feels.. to what you think- from reading the books, listening to the DVD's, the Intensive, the I AM Second videos, the Bible.. to what you believe God is trying to teach you. What you believe -inside you- is stopping you and what you intend to do about it.. and of course ask questions...

[guesswhozbak17]

One more thing.. I have noticed that men who are in the beginning stages of recovery tend to use this forum as a place to vent their feelings about what is going on.. how hard it is.. how unfair it feels, etc.. we get that. It IS hard and It IS unfair but God doesn't call us- any of us- to easy and fair. He calls us all to Christ-likeness. And in marriage, that means sacrifice for the husband and godly response for the wife.

 

So when you are posting try to take it one step beyond how it feels.. to what you think- from reading the books, listening to the DVD's, the Intensive, the I AM Second videos, the Bible.. to what you believe God is trying to teach you. What you believe -inside you- is stopping you and what you intend to do about it.. and of course ask questions...

Thank you 4evrHZdtr3. I'm still making my way thru the first book. From reading I've seen many of the flaws I have and mistakes I made. The readings at times bring me down because as I said, I am disappointed because I know better.

 

I included God from the very beginning of our relationship. I prayed time and time again to have a relationship with her. Upon the beginning of our relationship, I was VERY thankful to God for answering my prayers.

 

As I look back now, I think God is humbling me. Once I got what I wanted, I turned my back on God. I think God is teaching me how to be more grateful for what I have instead of focusing on the things I don't have.

 

Given my situation, the only thing I'm holding onto is what I intended. I see my flaws, I'm beginning to have a better understanding of things and I'm aware of what changes I have to make. BUT, my struggle is as I am trying to become more Christ-like, I am fearful. I genuinely believed her and I were headed down the right path, that given the mistakes we had already made, that I "intended" to do things the right way. Now I don't have that opportunity anymore and I have to trust the process. I think I'm also dealing with the "why me" syndrome with as the feelings of unfair and unjust naturally come with this situation.

 

I'm doing my best to let go of that but it does get difficult because I've always had the intention of being the best father I can be for our son and the best husband I can be to her. I just have to do better.

 

I hope to be able to watch the DVDs this up coming weekend. I wish her and I could go to an Intensive as I'm sure it would help but our relationship is far from the point of us doing anything together right now -I believe-. I will look into getting a hold of the I Am Second videos. I am reading the Bible now in search for answers and what I can do to improve.

[4evrHZdtr3]

I'm doing my best to let go of that but it does get difficult because I've always had the intention of being the best father I can be for our son and the best husband I can be to her. I just have to do better.

 

 

 Here's the magic bullet... YOUR intentions and YOUR plans to be a good father and husband are not what matters here. And NO! you don't just have to do better.. You have to completely change.. lay down your thoughts, your plans, your intentions altogether... and LISTEN

 

Ask God to bring back to you the things she tried to tell you.. LISTEN to whatever she says... LISTEN to what the Word says to you.. Listen to what other people here on the forum discover.. LISTEN in on the couples calls even if you never talk..LISTEN in prayer

[ChooseLove]

 Here's the magic bullet... YOUR intentions and YOUR plans to be a good father and husband are not what matters here. And NO! you don't just have to do better.. You have to completely change.. lay down your thoughts, your plans, your intentions altogether... and LISTEN

 

Ask God to bring back to you the things she tried to tell you.. LISTEN to whatever she says... LISTEN to what the Word says to you.. Listen to what other people here on the forum discover.. LISTEN in on the couples calls even if you never talk..LISTEN in prayer

 

I agree with this as well.  As a husband working to win my wife's heart back I need to LISTEN and not talk so much.  She does not need my mouth, she needs to see action and that is in the form of active listening.  The more we can quiet our minds and really hear what God is saying and the ways he is changing us we will be so much better for it.  

 

The resources are tremendous here and in the last couple months I have seen so many changes in myself by listening and applying those principles I have learned.  Put away intentions or thoughts about being better and take ACTION, measurable action.  Be accountable, getting on as many calls as you can getting feedback on how you are listening and then responding.  You can do this, but it will take hard work and dedication.  I will pray for you on this journey.  

Edited January 21, 2014 by ChooseLove

[guesswhozbak17]

I agree with this as well.  As a husband working to win my wife's heart back I need to LISTEN and not talk so much.  She does not need my mouth, she needs to see action and that is in the form of active listening.  The more we can quiet our minds and really hear what God is saying and the ways he is changing us we will be so much better for it.  

 

The resources are tremendous here and in the last couple months I have seen so many changes in myself by listening and applying those principles I have learned.  Put away intentions or thoughts about being better and take ACTION, measurable action.  Be accountable, getting on as many calls as you can getting feedback on how you are listening and then responding.  You can do this, but it will take hard work and dedication.  I will pray for you on this journey.  

 

 

 Here's the magic bullet... YOUR intentions and YOUR plans to be a good father and husband are not what matters here. And NO! you don't just have to do better.. You have to completely change.. lay down your thoughts, your plans, your intentions altogether... and LISTEN

 

Ask God to bring back to you the things she tried to tell you.. LISTEN to whatever she says... LISTEN to what the Word says to you.. Listen to what other people here on the forum discover.. LISTEN in on the couples calls even if you never talk..LISTEN in prayer

 

Thanks guys. I'm soaking in everything that you guys are telling me. I discovered that my ex-fiancee is going to fly down and visit her "boyfriend" for Valentines day weekend. This was definitely a confidence breaker as I thought I was making some minimal progress. I have to admit that I nearly gave up but I just said to myself I have to get closer to God to get through this. Joel said that I should write a letter to return  to her with our son this Sunday (tomorrow) in hopes that it will strike a cord somewhere. Here is what I have come up with thus far.

 

"Dear Ashley, 

 

Just wanted to let you know you're doing a great job as a mother. Our son is turning out great. I wanted to mention I found a church similar to yours that I've been attending now. I really didn't have any type of understanding of how God intended things to be. I have to apologize for breaking the trust that you had in me. I didn't allow myself to be a safe place for you to feel comfortable. I also would like to apologize to you for having sex with before marriage as I'm gaining a much better understanding of things. I'm understanding the way God intended things to be and I see I went through the steps backwards of having a child with you, trying to move in together and then marriage. If things were to ever play out where you and I gave us another shot, I do want you to know that I'd like to try it the right way. Dating first, that could lead to marriage then us living together and then a brother or sister for our son if it's in God plans.

 

Have a great night

Rodney"

[JoelandKathy]

"Dear Ashley, 

 

Just wanted to let you know you're doing a great job as a mother. Our son is turning out great. I wanted to mention I found a church similar to yours that I've been attending now. I really didn't have any type of understanding of how God intended things to be. I have to apologize for breaking the trust that you had in me. I didn't allow myself to be a safe place for you to feel comfortable. I also would like to apologize to you for having sex with (you) before marriage as I'm gaining a much better understanding of things. (I understand now that violated your sense of right and wrong as a Christian girl. You must have felt very pressured to have gone along with me in that.)  I'm understanding the way God intended things to be and I see I went through the steps backwards of having a child with you, trying to move in together and then marriage. If things were to ever play out where you and I gave us another shot, I do want you to know that I'd like to try it the right way. Dating first (with no sex). That could lead to marriage, and then) a brother or sister for our son if it's in God plans.

 

Have a great night

Rodney"

 

Things in parenthesis that I edited or added. Great letter. 

[guesswhozbak17]

Thanks Joel. Your adjustments were perfect. I'm delivering it to her and leaving it with God.

[guesswhozbak17]

My ex-fiance let me know via text that she received the letter. She said that she accepts my apology and that we just need to focus on our son. That it's not about her or me...that our son is too young to even notice that we're not together. This is another road block. I'm disappointed. I will again try to get even closer to God but I must admit that I am disappointed. I will continue to be the best father that I can be to our son and just pray for this situation. I will take more steps to enhance my flaws. I still truly believe with everything that I have that this can't be the end. I'm still shocked that this is my current situation right now as it is just a complete 180 from where her and I were a year ago. It just seems like such a nightmare but I'm just going to get as close as I can to God in the time. I truly see that I have committed many sins to put myself, my son and Ashley in the situation but I just pray that God will fix this. I would like my son to have the benefit of having his mother and father together to raise him as I grew up with a step father and there were just some terrible moments between myself and him. I pray to God that my son can have his mother and father together for him without the insertion of another man in his life. I hope God gives me the strength to get through this difficult time.

[MaryJane]

Take it as a positive that your ex-fiancée ACCEPTED your apology. She could have ignored it altogether -- or, sneered at it.

 

As you grow in The Lord, and mature as a man, I wouldn't be surprised if this young lady was drawn, once again, to you, the father of her child. Just put your relationship with Jesus first. He will help you in every other aspect of your life!

[guesswhozbak17]

Thank you MaryJane. I'm trying to see the best out of what was said last night. I'm trying not to have a pessimistic out-view of it. You are right that she didn't even have to acknowledge the letter let alone respond to it.

 

I'm continuing to stick with process. I am grinding into my mind that the road won't be easy and that there will be moments where things seem to be progressing and there will be moments where it seems like it's all falling apart...my commitment and relationship will dictate things. I can't give up at the first sign of trouble.

 

I will have my son this weekend so I will try to do something special for he and I. I have to get closer to Jesus every time there's an obstacle.

 

Thank you for the words MaryJane. I will continue to work with Christ

[ChooseLove]

Praying for you now Rodney.  Glad to hear you on the Men's calls.  Keep it up.  

[guesswhozbak17]

Praying for you now Rodney.  Glad to hear you on the Men's calls.  Keep it up.  

Thank you ChooseLove. I appreciate it. Times are getting tougher. I have to dig deeper...

[ChooseLove]

Rely on the Lord to sustain you.  Read Philippians 4:13 and check out http://www.bible.ca/ef/expository-philippians-4-13(3).htm.  Peace be with you.

[Looney_Tunes]

I just pray that God will fix this.

 

 

God will not fix this. He will give you people, knowledge, and tools to enable YOU to fix it.

[JoelandKathy]

Rodney has had the pleasure of having his son with him this weekend, since Friday. That is why he has not been here. He'll be back! 

[ChooseLove]

God will not fix this. He will give you people, knowledge, and tools to enable YOU to fix it.

CL you are always good for a kick in the pants.  You helped get me going and now my marriage is truly on a road to recovery.  Thanks again for all you do supporting this ministry.  When we take action based on what we learn here we truly can have an outrageously happy marriage.  

[guesswhozbak17]

CL you are always good for a kick in the pants.  You helped get me going and now my marriage is truly on a road to recovery.  Thanks again for all you do supporting this ministry.  When we take action based on what we learn here we truly can have an outrageously happy marriage.  

 

 

God will not fix this. He will give you people, knowledge, and tools to enable YOU to fix it.

 

 

Rely on the Lord to sustain you.  Read Philippians 4:13 and check out http://www.bible.ca/ef/expository-philippians-4-13(3).htm.  Peace be with you.

 

I apologize for my absence. I have been pretty overwhelmed with work and my son. I'm not sure who heard my last call as I had made the mistake of taking things into my own hands and reverting back to being selfish. I was overwhelmed with the health of my father and not seeing the results that I wanted to see. I had stopped sending the morning and evening texts to my ex and she reached out to me and I ignored her. That was wrong and I see the error in my ways. I apologized to her.

 

I'm starting to see more and more that this process is more so about me than it is about her. It is hard. I admit that. This is extremely difficult as it is a constant DAILY battle to deal with the emotions I go through. This is definitely a test on everything I am made of. 

 

I ask for prayers this week as this is going to be the toughest week of my life thus far and I honestly have no idea how I'm going to get through this weekend. I am going to attempt to distract myself in every way possible as I'm certain my thoughts will overwhelm me. 

 

Thanks for all the support. Be blessed guys