Damsel in Distress getting started

[kelleymatton]

Hi Damsel, Beloved of God,

 

What a great question! The answer, I believe, is you need both. God intended for marriage to be a picture of His relationship with us as His bride. When a marriage isn't a good marriage, it's a pretty poor picture, isn't it? But then again, it is just a picture. The reality is your relationship with God comes first. God is the one who thought you up, created you, designed you and THEN sent His son to pay for your sin, once and for all, perfectly perfecting you forever. He is your friend, lover, shield, protector, creator, savior, etc., etc., etc., The man God has given you for a husband is supposed to meet your needs here on earth, so that your marriage will be a happy reflection of our truer marriage with God. When our husbands are not meeting our needs it sure does throw a kink in the plans. THAT's where our faith comes in. It's what got Kathy her OHM. She refused to give up on God's promises to her of a happy marriage. When things looked VERY BLEAK, she STILL read the scriptures, heard the scriptures, surrounded herself with them and drank them in. I'm sure it was a horrible time for her, but God's grace got her through, just like He will you. It IS painful, tough, heartbreaking.

 

I remember one time when God spoke crystal clear to me, asking me "What are you so afraid of?" I answered,"I am afraid I will never have a good marriage, the one that I want". And in that moment I realized how much I was operating from fear. A good marriage had become my idol, my reason for living, etc. I couldn't function in peace and rest until my husband changed. And that's just not true. God has to be bigger to us than our husbands. Yes, husbands can be jerks and completely destroy their wives but God is BIGGER than that. IF Doug NEVER changed and we had even gotten a divorce, my God WOULD have taken care of me and saw to my needs. I wish I could tell you that after that I stayed in complete rest and peace but of course I didn't. It was a few more years before he ultimately changed. But it did clear up my thinking and start me on my journey to peace and rest.

 

It reminds me of parenthood, parents are supposed to meet their children's needs by being loving, kind, nurturing and encouraging but does that always happen? Of course not, THAT's when God steps in and says "I will be a father to the fatherless", etc. God will be your husband while Knight is under construction.

 

Here are some more good scriptures:

 

Col. 3:15 And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire) in your hearts (deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state) to which as (members of Christ's) one body you were also called (to live). And be thankful (appreciative), (giving praise to God always).

 

Ephesians, chapters one and two.

 

Colossians 1:12-23

 

 

One other thing, as you grow in your knowledge of how precious you are to God you will automatically expect more and receive more respect from those around you. The enemy won't be able to use them to make you feel worthless, of no value, condemned, etc., the exact opposite of what God wants us to feel and experience.

 

Hope this helps,

Kelley

[damsel in distress]

[FallenKnight]

Damsel, I can see I have so neglected you over the years and that this wound is so sensitive that there is zero tolerance for not giving you my full attention whenever you walk in the room. Forgive me for not turning off the tv immediately and coming over to welcome you into a new day.

[MaryJane]

Oh, my, Damsel! You've described your feelings today SO clearly! I commend you for that!

 

I think it's great that you wrote them here. He can go back again and again, read them and get understanding.

 

Go ahead and cheer up. OK?

[damsel in distress]

[damsel in distress]

[damsel in distress]

[MaryJane]

This is heartwarming for us readers! Thanks for that glimpse you gave us of "love in your kitchen"!

 

[damsel in distress]

[MaryJane]

I feel hesitant to put this out there, but I think that I have to be more free to record all the parts of our journey without having to weigh what his response to me might be. Damsel

 

I admire you Damsel for putting this out here! It's exactly the right thing to do. And, it takes all kinds of courage!

 

I/we will admire Knight, too, when he responds "out here"!

 

I LOVE the posy-giving he did when you were feeling sad for no specific reason!

 

Keep up the good work, you two!

[kelleymatton]

Hi Damsel,

 

I love how you so articulately describe the positive and negative things that happened this week. Very insightful, mature, and honest. And rational! Because you are refusing to be held captive to the fear of his wrong responses. This frees up other energy to function in your daily routine, yet still holds him accountable for his behavior. Perfect!

[FallenKnight]

Damsel, don't ever feel like you have to walk on eggs to say what you need to say. I agree, I may not always respond like I should but what I what learn to if I don't get the chances to work on it.

 

I have thought back to that night of the counseling call trying to figure out what set me down the rode to that attitude. Not giving excuses here. When you came into the bathroom while I was getting out of the shower having just called the counselor I felt exposed (though I know I couldn't be seen) yet, instead of communicating that to you and to just give me a second to get dressed I made the turn down irritable lane. I know that you were feeling anxious about the time and taking advantage of the short amount we had to talk. I sorry that I made that call more difficult.

 

No need to worry, I'm not going to punish you for your post and be distant while our guest are here.

[damsel in distress]

[damsel in distress]

[MaryJane]

It's totally important!

 

And I believe I understand completely! Just make sure you both get back to THAT homework! (Nag, nag, nag.)

 

I pray that all hindrances be removed on their race course to an OHM!

[damsel in distress]

[Miss Jane Bennett]

[damsel in distress]

[Pebbles]

Damsel,

 

I am so sorry for the pain and frustration that you are feeling right now. What you need is for your husband to OVERDO it in the initiating department, and instead he is underdoing it.

 

Honestly, some of the struggle inside of him sounds like plain old stubbornness and pride.

 

Several days after the post, he mentioned getting started on things several days later. This also did not make me feel confident. Supposedly he started on Monday of this week, but about the only thing I have really seen is that he has asked me to watch the dvd once and to read a couple of times. This morning I tried to ask him a question and he got defensive about it and never heard what I was saying.

 

It sounds to me like he has a little of a "Yeah, yeah, woman, I KNOW, I need to be doing more... Get off my case. I'm on it." I could be wrong. There is nothing wrong with you asking him specifically what he is going to do to start "getting on it." If he is doing it for YOUR benefit (which is the GOAL and the point), then he needs to make sure that you know that he is taking it seriously. If he resists this, then he is missing the point.

 

He probably wants to take care of business without you checking up on him because he feels like the little boy who is being watched by mommy. But that is exactly why he needs to press through. You aren't his mommy. You are his wife and it is perfectly normal that you want to know what he is doing to show you that he is committed to your relationship and to bringing healing to you.

 

So... if he is resisting letting you in on this, you need to call him on it. You probably are going to have to spell it out. Tell him exactly what you need. If you need to know every day what he is doing as far as homework goes, tell him that. I understand why you were giving him space and seeing what he would do. I get it. But at the same time, he is still immature. He SHOULD be initiating all of this, but he's not. So you have to coach him as he is growing.

 

Why don't you try spelling it out for him exactly what you need? I am finding that my husband sometimes needs to be told EXACTLY what to do and what to say when he has caused me pain. He apologizes on his own, but sometimes I am left feeling so empty because he is not saying the exact words I need to hear or comforting me in the way I need to be comforted. So, I have been telling. "I need you to say ____ right now. I need you to do ____ too." I spell it out. And do you know what? Even though I just told him what to say and do and he didn't think of it on his own, it still comforts me!! I get proud of my husband because I know that he has to resist that "Uhhh... I don't want to do THAT..." or "She is trying to control me..." feeling that men have to grow out of. AND he learns more about what I need. It is a win-win.

 

There is a possibility that your husband will not take action the way that mine does and I understand that that is a risk to take. But why don't you give him the chance, and then if he is still showing resistance, we can go from there.

 

As far as you not wanting to read with him, you were feeling hurt. I don't blame you for not wanting to go with him. That was his cue to rush in and first thank you for sharing your heart with him and apologize for the way he has been making you feel. He totally missed an opportunity to bring healing to you. He should have stopped everything and said, "Would you like to talk now? What would you like to share with me? I am sorry I have been so insensitive and defensive. I really want to grow. I would love to hear what's on your heart."

 

Instead, he went into task mode. He invited you to come, but it is clear that that is not what you needed at the moment. He missed it. You weren't missing an opportunity to respond warmly. If it happens again, you could say, "Thanks for asking me to come and read with you, but that is not what I am needing right now. I shared a hurt with you, and you didn't even apologize. When I am vulnerable like this, I need you to rush in and be with me in it, not pull away to go do something else."

 

Make sense? I know that you are a GREAT communicator. I remember reading your posts when you two first got started on the forum and I was always amazed at how clear you are about telling your husband what you need. So maybe you are already doing what I just mentioned. OR maybe you backed off a little because you want knight to be doing more...

 

As far as what happened on the veranda. I have been there many times. I have actually told my husband, "Even if I am really angry and hurt, I need you to come after me. I always melt when you come and give me a hug and are tender with me. It is always what I want you to do the most. If I am really in a spot where I need space, I will let you know, but let me decide. Just assume that I always want you to run after me, and I will let you know if I need something different."

 

That is my suggestion... and you ARE strong enough to do it. I have already seen you do it!!

[damsel in distress]

[Pebbles]

[damsel in distress]

[Pebbles]

Thanks for the latest.

 

You are such a sweet woman. I can see that you are very gracious and generous and you are continually trying to find the good amidst the bad.

 

You are doing really well with responding when your husband is doing the right thing and speaking up more when he is hurting you. That is exactly how he is going to learn.

 

Your husband is still showing that he has a lot of growing up to do, but it is good that he is doing some of the things he knows he needs to do.

 

The lunch incident speaks a lot. From what you described, it is clear that the focus of your marriage has been on him. Here we are asking HIM to make this season of life ALL about you, and you are the one considering him and zeroing in on being a blessing to him.

 

Because he was in a self-focused space, I think the situation would have played out the same no matter what you had done. If you woke him, he may have been irritated because he was tired. If you chose not to make him lunch, he might have felt left out sulked that he had to make his own lunch. Sound about right?

 

It's good that he apologized for his attitude, but this is where your husband really has to work--on his attitude. He needs to stay in that place of "What can I do to bless my wife?" If he had been in that space, he would have reacted totally different that afternoon.

 

After waking and seeing that you had made lunch, he would have thought about what would BLESS you... and that would have led to expressing his appreciation for serving you him in that way--not complaining that his food was cold. I am pointing this out, because you need to know that you did NOTHING wrong. Like I said, from the sound of it, no matter what you had done, he would have found fault because he was in a cranky, self-focused space. It reminds me of waking a toddler when they haven't had enough sleep. You can't win. Their claws come out and the best thing to do is just leave them alone until they snap out of it. Do you know what I mean?

 

This is where your husband needs help. He needs to admit to you and himself that he has a bad attitude. Not just in this situation, but in general. It all really comes down to a choice. Will he CHOOSE to bless you?

 

He CAN do this. Know that. It may be hard, but it is doable. You need to know that you are not being unreasonable AT ALL in your desires for connection with him. You are a great helpmeet. Keep it up. The more you speak, the more he will be forced to look at himself, and the more he will have an opportunity to grow. Keep it up.

 

By the way, my husband does not post. I have been recovering from serious health issues and that means he spends lots of time holding down the fort and doing things to make my daily life a lot easier. He has offered to post, but he spends so much time doing things that show me he is committed that I haven't felt it was necessary. He hasn't been perfect, but he has been consistent. And that is when a lot of healing starts to occur.

[damsel in distress]

[damsel in distress]

Feel the need to post just for consistency.

 

Yesterday was a better day. Several hugs and kisses throughout the day. Not much time together, but still feeling his attitude to be a bit different. I know he is still very reserved, but somehow open to trying to move out of that. I feel such a mixture of feelings and am unsure often how to respond. Do I respond to what he is actually doing or to the fact that I feel like maybe he is a little open to trying to do? So often I feel like a fool on this journey. Of over reacting at the least little crumb he throws me when I know that God made me (and him and marriage) for so much more. And then I so clearly recall times I have over reacted to some little crumb he threw me only to have him say that I went overboard in responding to the least little thing. Keeps me very unbalanced. Wanting to respond, wanting to believe, but not brave enough to.

 

Last night we went to have pizza with some friends from church. It was nice to spend time together with other people and not feel like we were working (doing ministry). I would have liked to have felt a little closer to Knight and a little more like he was aware of me and attuned to what I might be wanting, and on blessing me, but it was not negative. I know he was not feeling well, but there always seems to be something. I myself was exhausted from very little sleep the night before, yet I still tried to be aware of him and serve him. Overall it was more positive than negative, just not where I hope to be someday. Last night he hugged me as we went to sleep. I need that.

 

I still struggle to differentiate between waiting for him to initiate and me being the coach helping him to grow. I still struggle with reading about other wives who's husbands have changed so much while mine has not on a consistent basis. I still struggle with discouragement when I see couples who supposedly have made it, slip into serious slumps or disappear. I am in a rather melancholy mood this morning I fear. Well just putting my feelings out there for the journey's sake. Damsel