sadjay Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 No, she is just angry and has some irrational anger. I told her that separation from her was like being separated from our duaghter. I said this to describe an emotion. In her anger she took it as a veiled threat to kidnap our daughter. That was 2 months ago and she still thinks this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaryJane Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Irrational anger?? Are you going to phone Joel? He's a guy, a pastor, who found himself in very hot water in his marriage. He and his wife have an outrageously happy marriage now. You NEED to talk to him! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadjay Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 When can i phone him? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadjay Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 We all get a little irrational when we are angry that is why scripture says....in your anger do not sin. And again...be slow to become angry for mans anger does nit bring about the righteous life God desires. I am not saying her anger is irrational. I am saying she is irrational in her anger Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelandKathy Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Just call. If I don't answer, you can leave a message and I will return the call. I look forward to hearing from you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Looney_Tunes Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 I know what i have to do but it is not like a switch. It just takes a little time sometimes. It's not a switch at all. Our behavior is a choice. Changing it doesn't just happen. You have to make conscious decisions to do something differently. In her anger she took it as a veiled threat to kidnap our daughter. No. There was something you said or did that made her feel as if you might kidnap your daughter. I'm sure that wasn't what you intended, but you made her feel that way. Your wife is your mirror. If you look in the mirror and see dirt on your face, you can't correct that by scrubbing the mirror. You need to wash your face. Get the books and call Joel. This will all make a lot more sense when you do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadjay Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 I am not trying to clean my wife Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadjay Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 also already called, already downloaded and reading Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadjay Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 So Joel wanted me to post my apology letter to my wife in hopes it might help other men:Reba, Your feelings matter. I believe you no longer feel safe with me. This is my understanding of how it has been to tolerate me. (You deserve a medal) Day after day and week after week you have been assailed by blackness and abuse. You work all week to be a receptacle for garbage. You wait on an ignorant partner who is thankless and lazy. You work without being asked or thanked. Just once you would like to be the one sitting down and waited on. Every word out of your mouth is questioned or ignored. Your advice goes completely devalued and unheeded. All day long abuse is heaped on you. No kindness or words of love that mean anything are shared. The meaning is totally lost when there is no action behind them, or worse the action behind them is toxic anger and hateful remarks full of rudeness and selfishness. For years you put up with this, thinking one day you will be heard. Perhaps this is how marriage is supposed to be. If you are nice one more time, or give in one more time it will make a difference. Maybe things will change. But things never change and the only difference is more anger and more abuse. The inconsiderate tone is literally squeezing the life out of you. You have given away every piece of yourself to be repaid with hatred. Every tiny flaw of yours is picked apart and criticized. In every way you are devalued. This marriage has become a fraud. What was once a loving man who was protective and truly loving is now the enemy who attacks and harms. You are suffocating in the apartment. Every feeling of love or tenderness is killed, trampled on. You are done crying. You are done being manipulated into situations to make things all your fault. You cannot make a decision without having to be punished for it. Everywhere you go someone is complaining about your husband. You grit your teeth and try to say nice things about him. You are publicly mocked by your husband and he calls you names and embarrasses you while making excuses. You are accused of overreacting again and again. If he really knew what you were thinking he would be scared. You are shown no respect. Every kindness from you is met with criticism and attitude. Any effort on your part to reasonably object is met with frenetic insanity. You are not sure whether to be afraid or to pity, either way you are angry. Your feelings do not matter. What you want does not matter. Everything must take a back seat to this lunatic who cannot get his crap together. You are unloved, uncherished, not cared for, despised, neglected, unimportant, and pushed aside for the sake of your husband’s self interest. His anger is sickening. Nausea sweeps over you when he talks about the future. You are deeply devastated by constant wounding. You are overwhelmed with a sense of desperation to emotionally and mentally survive. Like someone deprived of oxygen you escape the marriage just so you will not suffocate. When separate from him you feel like you can breathe again for the first time in years. I have been indescribably awful. I have been exceedingly selfish and overwhelmingly inconsiderate. I have been a perpetrator of hurt. I have manipulated you to get what I want and left you with nothing. By choosing my own comfort and convenience over yours I have left you feeling that you were not important to me, safe and loved and I was a fool to send you that message. You deserve so much more than that. I am going to let my actions show how sorry I am and how valuable you are. Please forgive me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaryJane Posted January 11, 2014 Report Share Posted January 11, 2014 WELL, looks like you must have covered everything! Your wife may have another first impression. It's a good first apology, though, in my view. I do think you should include a couple of specific examples of how you have hurt her. Then she will know you aren't just getting words out of a book or something, and she will feel some validation.I'm quite sure your wife will not be able to fall down at your feet right away and say, "Oh of course, my love, I forgive you!" She is surely VERY hurt. She was probably expecting love and companionship when she married you. Healing will take time, as I'm sure you are aware.Another suggestion I have is to make a new paragraph at the end. Like this:HerName, thank you for jolting me awake. (Then, using your last two sentences...)From now on, by my actions, I am going to show you how very sorry I am -- and how valuable you are. Please forgive me. Personally, I don't usually like to be asked to forgive -- especially if I am still feeling very hurt. It feels like pressure to "get over it". That could be just me. "Please forgive me," kind of sounds alright here, though. OK, you likely feel a little better having something concrete to DO to begin working to win your wife's heart back, right? AND, to become a much better man at the same time! It's what God desires after all! Wishing you well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadjay Posted January 11, 2014 Report Share Posted January 11, 2014 That is very kind of you Mary Jane. This is a copy of the letter I already gave her, so changing it may help someone else but not me. Her response was "Truth" and that is all. I never thought of asking forgiveness as being pressure. Now I do.. =) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadjay Posted January 11, 2014 Report Share Posted January 11, 2014 Oh and I have personally thanked her twice for "jolting me awake" =) She seemed to not know what to say Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaryJane Posted January 11, 2014 Report Share Posted January 11, 2014 The main thing now, is to seriously work on becoming the husband you were called by God to be. Your wife will notice, without your having to draw it to her attention. Also, be prepared for the days when she "lets you have it", bringing up things you have done to hurt her in the past. This will be necessary for her in order to get the poison out. And you will need to be a safe place for her do this. Are you going to be getting on the men's calls? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadjay Posted January 11, 2014 Report Share Posted January 11, 2014 No probably not. I have absolutely no money and the money I do have comes from her. She has offered to help support me through medical school and she and the little one cannot afford my apartment and costs as it is already. So the extra 100 per month is not doable Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaryJane Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 Oh well, you can listen in on the couples' calls, every night except Friday. Occasionally, if no couples are speaking up you could introduce yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChooseLove Posted February 19, 2014 Report Share Posted February 19, 2014 Oh well, you can listen in on the couples' calls, every night except Friday. Occasionally, if no couples are speaking up you could introduce yourself.SadJay - I don't think I have heard you on the calls. I sometimes talk on the couples calls myself as MaryJane noted there are often times when just a husband or wife will speak up if there are no couples ready to participate. I encourage you to be involved in as many aspects of the ministry as you can be it reading, forums and phone calls. They all contribute in different ways to you becoming a more Christlike man. Stay engaged! Peace be with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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