Rebuilding Trust

So much to tell, so little time........ On Tuesday night, S's plane was due to arrive in San Francisco at like 9 pm. There were delays from her taking off in Memphis which cause her to miss her connecting flight in Dallas. While in Dallas, she was put on a waiting list for a 9:30 pm flight but she was like number 10 on the waiting list and she was convinced she was not going to make it on that flight which meant her having to stay all night in Dallas for a 7 am flight the next morning. When she called me, she was in tears. I said a quick prayer with her and like two minutes later, they called her name on the loud speaker and she suddenly had a seat on the 9:30 pm flight that would get her into SF about midnight. She was so relieved and then just a few minutes later, she texted me that she didn't loose her window seat either with a great big smile - praise the Lord! By the time we got home from SF, everyone was exhausted and we all went to bed. I slept so good with her right there beside me. Unfortunately, I had to work on Wednesday, just couldn't get it off! We talked and cuddled a little in the morning and kissed each other goodbye. It was so hard to leave! For the rest of the day on Wednesday, she wasn't returning my texts as I have been getting accustomed to but I figured maybe she was sleeping as she was exhausted. I of course continued to send her little texts throughout the day to let her know I was thinking about her. Then, when I was leaving work, I texted her that I was leaving work and was on my way home. Wow, sending that text felt so good - I'm on my way home, not to the house but home to her! When I walked into the house, I was very suprised to see S in the Kitchen prepping dinner. I walked over to her and gave her a big kiss which ended in a huge hug! She told what she was making for dinner and asked me to help her move some things around there in the kitchen. She had spent the day reorganizing and wiping out the cabinets, the counters, the refrigerator and all things else kitchen. She kindly informed me that she was here to stay and that she wanted the kitchen arranged her way. At one point I was sent to the store to go pick up a few things and then upon my return, sent back to get a few more things. Upon my return, she informed me that something got stuck in the garbage disposal and that now it was leaking. So I was then off to the hardware store to get a drainage pipe and some plumbing tape. Got back and got that fixed. It was so cool to see my wife working on the house, making it clear to me and the kids of her wishes and expectations without any room for misinturpreting what she was saying. She made it very clear that she wanted everyones support or that she would shut down again. Such honesty, such vulnerability, and so much heart! By now, dinner was ready and the kids were all there and we ate dinner which was fabulous. So during dinner, I was informed that the my wife and the kids would be doing the grocery shopping for now one and that we were going to be eating better. They all showed me a list of things we needed to buy soon as well as quite a wish list of things they wanted to buy and do around the house. My wife says that now with her working too, we should be able to afford to make some of these WISH LIST things happen and that she really wanted to make our house the home she always dreamed of! WOW! How could I complain about that! After dinner, my daughter and I had to work on a school stuff. She had a powerpoint presentation due on Thu for Biology (invasive species) and both a powerpoint and a display board for her Wright Brothers Essay Presentation that she will be giving in front of the whole school on Friday. To boot, next week if finals - so her and I have been very busy bees but it is so paying off. She will be graduating 9th grade with a 3.5 GPA it is looking like! S says she is so proud of us and especially me for stepping up to make this happen. For high school, I chose to put Sharayah into a private hybrid charter/home school instead of doing it all via private home school as we had done in the past since high school is so much harder. It has paid off and our daughter is really blossoming. Anyways, it was really late when we finished and S had already done to bed. I crawled into bed and snuggled up with her and fell asleep rubbing her back. She was very soar from all the work she had done in the kitchen that day. Woke up this morning and got ready for work and she was still asleep. I bent over and gave her a kiss goodbye as I was getting ready to leave and she briefly woke up and said goodbye and wished me a good day and gave me a really nice hug and kiss! Again so much to say, not enough time to say it all and put it into words - more to come..............

Wow Mary Jane, very well said indeed. ChooseLove, that overwhelming desire that you have to connect with your wife is coming from the revelations that your getting from this ministry and from God as we men realize how much we took our wives for granted in the past, how much we took advantage of them, how much we ignored them, how much we abused and neglected them while at the same time realizing that all along we missed seeing that perfect woman that God gave us who was right there all along. We suddenly fall back in love, we want to make up for lost time, we want to heal them and we want to make everything right and we want to do it now! Again, nothing wrong with that but all in due time my friend...........As Mary Jane said above, Your job right now is to LAY DOWN YOUR LIFE for her. This means giving her the time, the space and the unconditional love that she needs to renew her spirit and her mind and her desire for you. You will not grow unless you are willing to PUT HER FIRST. Trust me when I say that when you LAY DOWN YOU LIFE and PUT HER FIRST, that God will not only HEAL YOUR WIFE but in that process, you too will find healing and find that God will fill you up and meet your needs as well.......

I totally get the feeling lonely and disconnected feelings. Feelings are feelings and they are OK, it's what you do with them that matters. It's also OK to vent here which you might have been doing. You absolutely CAN NOT let those feelings overflow onto your wife and from what you sounded like above I'm afraid your feelings were oozing out and she could see it! You have to take them to the CROSS and deal with them with GOD - he is your life source and your strength. I remember when they used to tell me that and I would get frustrated because I was feeling like, really, how does that work - I'm hurting here and now and God is not here. But I can assure you that GOD is faithful and he will meet your needs when you allow Him too. You just have to remember to STOP and ALLOW HIM too - HE will not chase you down! I think you need to dig down deep into your intentions here. Your need to share more with your wife, if driven out of Ephesians 5:25 love, will not dump on her. I'm feeling like your need to share with her right now is a desperate need within yourself to get some validation from her even if that is just her being willing to listen to you. There is nothing wrong with you being able to share with her, that is completely normal in any good marriage and that will come in time. For now, please be careful not to do these things with the wrong expectations or intentions or it will just make your situation worst. Dig down deep and go before Christ and ask Him to reveal these things to you through His Holy Spirit! Again, I get it, I've been there and I know how hard it is! Just hope I can help you see this sooner rather than later

Jesse and your family are in my prayers!

Bill, it was very good to hear you on the MEN'S call Tuesday night even though you were just listening in. We all look forward to hearing your story on Thursday and we all look forward to helping you on this journey to becoming a Christlike Man and The Husband Your Wife Needs You To Be..... Let me just advise you to STOP over thinking this, STOP over guessing this, and STOP looking for holes. You heard my testimony on Tuesday night as well as several others. This works, the proof is in the FRUIT! Our Church's today have over a 50% divorce rate, so how does the traditional teachings stand up, something is wrong there! Stay aboard and continue to POST, continue to get on the MEN'S CALLS and listen in and participate. Hope to hear you soon!

Hey everyone, My S will be flying home tomorrow. I am soooooooo excited but also nervous at the same time. Today I have been on and off the phone with her helping her wrap up loose ends there in Arkansas and she seems so excited to be coming home. This is a big step for her. In the past year, she has come to visit for a week or two, knowing in the back of her mind that she was going back there which I'm sure gave her a sense of security. The door there is not closed, she still has a place there in Arkansas with family if she needs it! But guess what, she isn't going to need it because I am not going to let that happen. I'm going to be so good to her here that she will have no desire to leave again. Yeah, I am excited but I am also nervous and anxious at the same time. I know that now is the time when everything that I have learned here will be tested top to bottom, inside and out! I know I'm ready because I am filled with the Holy Spirit who guides and helps me and because I have laid down a good foundation in which I am teachable and in which I am willing to lay down my life for S. I get excited when I think about the healing that S has already had and will continue to receive as I love her as Christ loved the Church. Please keep her and I in your prayers as we begin this next chapter in our marriage! God Bless you all!

Well said David, it's a choice to go in all the way, else it's a choice to stay the same.... There is no in between.....doesn't your wife deserve all of you?

Hoping you saw this - this is what loving your wife looks like without fear.....

I love hearing you explain how him looking to you for all the answers was really unhealthy for you both. I know I did that to my wife too and I think I get it now - it is like this..... I am her life source, not the other way around. She isn't looking for a man that has all the right answers, does it all perfectly but rather looking for a CHRIST-LIKE MAN that has a right standing with God and who is not afraid to make a decision, who isn't walking around on egg shells afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing because he is IN LOVE, WALKING IN LOVE and in that state he is able to be her source of life and strength and initiate without fear because Christ is flowing out of him. When my wife (as my help-meet) points out something or suggests something different then what I initiated, I do not take it personally, I do not get defensive, it does not ruin the mood - I know that I did my job of initiating and now my wife is responding, sometimes good and sometimes not so good. - it is now my honor and duty to lay down my life for my bride and listen to her heart, meet her needs, and grow as a man......

Hey Palmer, I ask because I was thinking about myself. I used to work 5-10 minutes from home and I would often get home very tired and stressed which affected my ability to focus on S and my family. I now work 30-40 minutes from home and I have learned to use that time to unwind, focus on God and prepare myself for switching my hat from bread winner/provider to husband/father by the time I walk into that door.....

Yes, you are the only person you can change that is true but in the same aspect, you are going first. Your wife is a responder and she will respond, it is just a matter of how and when. I hear a lot of bitterness in your word's above. You can love your wife so much that you are willing to give her exactly what she is wanting which is "space and nothing to do with you". Do you love her that much? If you do, don't feel sorry for yourself, just love her through this. Do you have anything better to be doing with your time, with your mind, with your heart? As you walk through this, you will grow the most by laying down your life and doing this no matter what - no expectations, nothing in return, and in spite of setbacks. Your job is to lay down your life for her - you didn't do before - so do it now. At the end of this journey, which is a three year commitment, you will have either won her heart back or healed her heart - both outcomes are ok and either way, you win and become a Christlike Man in the process..... Trust me, this is not an easy journey but it is one that you will never regret unless you choose not to do it! God Bless!

Yes, welcome GodSon, I too have been walking this out and it is not easy but it is soooooooooooooo worth it. Remember, you CAN DO THIS, it is really just a matter of WILL YOU! Hope to hear you on the men's call and here on the forum's....

Reading this breaks my heart. Mr E is definitely on a crash course with divorce and he really doesn't care, how sad. He thinks he can do better, he thinks there is another woman out there that will submit to him the way he desires and that this will bring him happiness. He will be in shock when one day he finally realizes after two, three or even more failed marriages that the baggage that he brought into this marriage will follow him and will not magically disappear when he finds what he thinks is the "perfect woman". The "perfect woman" comes when we see our wives as Eric stated above, "marriage is a mirror of salvation. Bride and bridegroom. I have taken an imperfect bride and chosen to love her, in absolute defiance of her flaws. I have assumed full responsibility for her failures as well as mine. I accept full responsibility for all the the flaws in our life and have sacrificed my own desires and plans to focus on the needs and desires of my wife and kids." Today's church has a 50%+ divorce rate, how is that working for you Mr E? The proof is in the fruit! God Bless!

Palmer, how far is work from home? Your in sales, so the distance may very, but on average, how long does it take you from your last client to get home?

"Help me shine brightly, Father, within this dark place. I want men to see you when they see my face. Let love surround me and light up this place. Kiss me with kindness. I’ve been touched by your grace. My smile is enormous and reflective of you, touching my insides, making me new. Changing my heart, my desires, my tongue. I know that I’m aging, but it is keeping me young. So let me shine brightly each moment for you and not be deterred by what others do. And when shadows fall as often they do, help me stay focused on that which is of you. Let me shine brightly within this dark place, making a statement the world can’t erase. The spirit is light. The spirit is love. The spirit is joyful. It comes from above. Caring, forgiving. It is patient, it is kind. It gives you a peace that surpasses the mind. It looks for the best in the midst of the worst. It safeguards the tongue when one is ready to curse. It doesn’t bring up the past when often we sin. It gives you a mindset and power to win. Let me shine brightly, my Savior for thee. I want men to see you when they look at me. " I heard a listener on Daily Audio Bible recite this on today's broadcast and thought it was great, just sharing..... S will be home in for good she says in just under a month now! Last night I asked her via a text if she was in bed yet ( she is two hours ahead of me ) and she said yes. I responded "snug as a bug I hope" with a smiley face. Her response was priceless, "nope, not until I'm really home"! Then tonight she texted me a little pic message that said "one day closer".... God is good all the time!

Hello everyone, I don't have much time but wanted to POST to let everyone know that my week with S has been, well, awesome. She will leave tomorrow to go back to Arkansas! In my post a few weeks ago I mentioned that S was going to have an interview while she was here. Well, on Monday, she had the interview and by the end of the day on Monday - she got offered the position and accepted. But not only did she get the position, but she got offered the position at two dollars and hour above what the position was posted at because of her experience and great recommendations! The position is a new one and they are allowing her to go back to Arkansas and finish out her current teaching contract that ends in late May. This also allows her to go back to Arkansas and wrap up things with her family. She seems genuinely excited about coming home and being a family again. She reconnected with our God son and his baby girl Arianna this week and it was so awesome to see her heart strings being pulled. This was something that she has avoided during most of the separation as she did with many old relationships, probably out of guilt, pain and hurt..... I could never blame her, only try to understand! So, things are moving forward. As she said to me yesterday, just two more months and I will be home for good, thank you for being patient with me!

Hello everyone, wanted to stop by and check in. I will be with S in just one week for our 23 year anniversary. Things are going beyond great and she says distance has made her heart grow fonder and for the first time since she left, she says she has fallen back in love with me! There is movement in her coming home for good soon but I'm not yet ready to share the details as I know she may step back again before moving forward. Let's just say she has a job interview for a position here, while she's here next week! It's funny, we haven't really talked about it much. All she has really said about it is that she hopes she gets it. I don't want her to feel the least bet pressured so I just smile big and pray God will lead her home. Please keep us in your prayers, now is the time we need it most. God Bless.........

Hi everyone, just wanted to check in an say HI.... S has been home visiting since Sunday the 12th and will be leaving tomorrow - the visit has been fabulous. Don't know how to describe it because it seems so weird having her come home to visit but yet it seems so right at the same time. It is not for me to question what God is doing, only to trust Him! Our next trip is planned for March 21st, which is our 23 year Anniversary. We are meeting in Las Vegas on the evening of the 21st and will stay two nights. We will then fly home to California and S will stay until Sunday, March 30th. There are talks of her coming home permanently in maybe late Aug or early Sept....

I am worshiping while I'm waiting! John Waller - "While I'm Waiting" - with scenes from FIREPROOF..... http://youtu.be/i6X71sXagUY

BREADCRUMBS On the men's call recently I told a story to a gentleman that was separated from his wife, the story was about breadcrumbs. I explained to him how my wife, from the first day she left me, started leaving breadcrumbs that led back to her heart. In fact, the breadcrumbs were there way before she left me, I just didn't ever take the time to notice. I told him to picture two woman, running through the forest. The first woman is very carefully to not leave a trail, she covers up her foot prints and is extra careful to not break branches or leave any sign that she was ever there. The second woman, leaves foot prints, broken branches and other distinguishing marks along her path to the other side of the forest. Neither woman ever wants to go back to what is on the other side of that dark and scary forest they felt forced to run through. In fact the first woman was so careful to make sure that she was not followed. But the second woman, what was she doing? Does she want to be followed, does she want to be found? Well the answer is YES and NO. She does want to be followed (pursued) and she does want to be found (loved, accepted and adored) but she does not want to go back to what was on the other side of that forest. She ultimately wants to be rescued by the very person she was running from. This is why she left BREADCRUMBS along the trail.... These BREADCRUMBS come is all sizes and shapes. Some of these breadcrumbs can be like poison ivy in that they can be painful, uncomfortable and even downright excruciating. But just because they hurt, does not mean they were not meant to help us find her. See, for me, some of those most excruciating BREADCRUMBS came when my wife was sharing with me about the ways in which her boyfriend, yes boyfriend, would do things for her in ways I didn't and how that made her feel so special. Some of you guys are probably thinking that those were not breadcrumbs, that was just mean and hateful. That is one way of looking at it. But let me ask you a question? Why would she bother to tell me those things if she didn't want me to know? Yes, she might be really, really mad and maybe even want to hurt me but she also still wanted deep down to be followed (pursued) and found (loved, accepted and adored). The only reason there was a boyfriend in the first place, is because I wasn't meeting those needs. I suddenly found myself in a very unique position where I had no choice but to hear her heart. It was in that period, where I for the first time since she walked out the door and I took off chasing her through the woods, that I saw that first BREADCRUMB. Let’s just say that after finding that first one, I never looked back. So guys, are you looking for the breadcrumbs? They may not always be easy to find or even easy to pick up once you find one, but you must be on the lookout for them. God made your wife to be your HELPMEET. Look back, there were BREADCRUMBS there before she left, you just chose to follow a different path (plain and simple). Let the tracking begin gentleman..... Find a breadcrumb, figure out what your wife is telling you, savor it like you just found gold - cause guess what - you did!

Merry Christmas Charles! Always good to hear from you!

Hi, Let me just say - Choose Love my brother - the Agape kind of love! NO, absolutely do not say anything to her about the continuing affair and stop looking at the phone bill! This is not about her, it is about you laying down your life and becoming a Christlike Man - period! You said in an earlier post that you understood that you just need to love your wife where she is at and that you should have no expectations of her. That decision isn't just a one and done decision, you have to continue to make that decision everyday (this is where dying to self come in). God tells us to take up His cross daily and follow Him. Each day we have to choose to pick up that cross and carry it, that is our choice, He does not force us. Please read through my thread. I warn you that this process is not easy, in fact it can be darn right excruciating at times. But I can promise you that if you walk this out, you will not regret it. In fact, if God came down to me today and told me he could take me back in time to before my wife left me, I would have to tell Him no. You see, God causes ALL things to work together for good to those who will follow Him (paraphrased). For me you see, it took me loosing everything to wake up. I know now that nothing else would have made me see the reality of the person I had become. I am a different person today. My relationship with my wife is blossoming again and my relationships with my children, other family members, my church, my work and even strangers is now more than I could have ever imagined...... So "ChooseLove" my brother - I choose to "Rebuild Trust" - lol.........

Please read my thread. This walk is not easy, it is probably the hardest thing you will ever do in this life but trust me when I say, if you do this with all of your heart - it will be the best thing you have ever done in your life as well....... The journey is worth is brother............

Lord, have Your way with me..... Unspoken - Lift My Life Up (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UveOPq_iao) You brought me this far So why would I question You now You have provided So why would I start to doubt I've never been stranded, abandoned Or left here to fight alone So I'm giving You control I lift my life, lift my life up I give it all in surrender I lift my heart, lift my hear up You can have it forever All my dreams, all my plans Lord, I leave it in Your hands I lift my life, lift my life up Have Your way in me Have your way in me If peace is a river, let it sweep over me If I'm under fire, I know it's refining me When I hear You calling out, I follow now Wherever the road may go I know You're leading me home Take my life, let it be All for You Take my life, let it be All for You Take my life, and let it be all for You Read more: Unspoken - Lift My Life Up Lyrics | MetroLyrics

The tests are over and we should know by end of the day on Tuesday according to the doctors. I will keep you posted.....