Carnine and Barnabas string - Glad we are here!

[J_W]

name='Carnine' date='09 April 2009 - 11:57 AM' timestamp='1239292673' post='38314']

Okay Tigger,

 

I finally got the opportunity to ask my husband your question and it sparked some REALLY interesting conversation. He is actually here with me writing this post so that I can accurately represent his point of view. As we were discussing your question,

 

we decided that it was really a three part question.

1)How did I get you involved in making a change in our marriage?

2)How did I get you to listen to me once you decided we needed a change?

3)How did I get you to talk WITH me about important things?

 

So, Here goes.

 

1)How did I get you involved in making a change in our marriage?

Balaam: You and God had to "beat" me. Not just win the battle, mind you, but win the whole dang war. I wasn't one of those clueless guys, (that Joel and Kathy talk about) when it comes to most of the things I was doing. I was proud of the fact that I had managed to get the people around us to believe my carefully crafted image. I knew for a long time that I was mean. I think most guys know it. They just don't like what it says about them so they do whatever it takes to get the focus off of themselves. You had been trying to get me to see all of the principles that J&K teach ever since you got saved and baptized and you started studying the Bible. I knew that our church and everyone else was teaching you that "submission" was the answer to our problems and I liked it because then I didn't have to change anything and I never had to be wrong or at fault for anything I didn't want to be. I am really stubborn, but you and God are "stubborner."( ) Eventually, a guy just knows when the game is over. He knows when he's been beat. He has to make a choice. He can take his ball and go home or he can try to fix the mess he has made.

 

2)How did I get you to listen to me once you decided we needed a change?

Balaam: Once I decided to see if I could make things work, I had to "see" what I had done before God. I had to accept my "part" in our failure and in order to do that I needed to know what that was. I had to confess to God, not that He didn't already know, that I had done some really awful things to you during our marriage. Even though I wasn't humble enough to ask Him for His help in our marriage yet, once I had to take a good look at me and the things that I had done, you didn't seem so bad after all. In comparing my "uglies" to yours and my efforts to you and all you had invested into our marriage, listening to you was the least I could do!

 

3)How did I get you to talk WITH me about important things?

Balaam: It started out as a way to get more information. I would have questions and need to better understand a certain situation. I didn't want to make things worse. If I wanted to get to a place where I wasn't the problem anymore, I NEEDED to ensure that I "got it" before I did anything stupid. I found that listening to you had been so good for us; you were way less stressed, we didn't fight almost at all, you were starting to smile and be happy; that I wanted to see how far I could take it. Asking you how I could be a blessing or if you wanted to talk about anything allowed me to prepare myself to listen before you started to talk. That led to far fewer misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Now talking to you is a part of the success I am beginning to achieve. The better WE do, the more driven I am to be sure I "get it right!"

 

Tigger (and everyone else reading this),

The truth is that while I encouraged him to do the right things for years in Christian love, and poured my heart out to God in prayer over our marriage, BALAAM HAD TO DECIDE FOR HIMSELF to make these changes. He couldn't do this in his own strength. To do so would only serve to feed the monster/pride/insecurity inside of him. He had to come to a place of weakness before God where he could admit his fallibility and imperfection and submit to His authority. It was only then that he was able to humbly ask God to help him through the ministry of the Holy Spirit to become Christlike. I hope this answers Tigger's question and is as helpful to everyone reading it as it has been to us.

 

With Christian love to all of you,

 

Carnine, and Balaam

 

 

sounds to me like you still have not made the decision -- and this is nearly two years after saying you did

 

 

June of

[J_W]

Kimberly wrote:

 

No one is telling you NOT to have feelings. It is the choice of which feelings you choose to operate out of that matters.

 

You seem to manage to go to work with a good attitude. Let's see you act the way you do at home with your boss.

 

When you do not make sure you are living with purpose then life will run over you.

 

You know this but choose to want your feelings taken care of. When you take care of others FIRST then you will get what you need.

 

You are shooting yourself in the foot by asking to be served rather than finding any way to serve others.

 

What we ARE SAYING is that you are NOT ALLOWED to show your "feelings" (other than LOVE) to your bride or children -- you are NOT ALLOWED to puke it out on them -- you must become a MAN and suck it up and DO LOVING actions = kindness, gentleness, goodness with faith, meekness, self-control, peace and JOY

 

stop puking on your bride and children

 

that's what we're asking you to do -- fill up the voids of what you should have already stopped and FILL them with the Fruit of the Spirit

 

(have no idea how much longer Carnine can hang on by this slim sliver of a thread, others would have already kicked your behind out the door)

 

prayerfully,

June of

[Carnine]

As per our conversation earlier today, you asked:

 

Why should you be able to divorce me if I am changing and doing better? How am I asking for a divorce just by not agreeing with the way you see things?

 

 

There is a divine order to things. God created us to be "in relationship" with Him. We broke that relationship by sinning against Him. We no longer had direct access to God. He provided a way for us to regain that relationship with Him through the blood of Jesus. In order to receive the "gift of life" or renewed relationship with Him We must come into agreement with Him over our sin and ask his forgiveness. Once we are forgiven we must continue to walk in His ways and not our own. Faith without works is dead. God didn't OWE us renewed relationship. He CHOSE to make it possible. It should be with prayer and thanksgiving that we come to Him BECAUSE of our sin.

 

In your case you are like the man who was forgiven a large debt. You eagerly accepted your pardon and went away happy. When you saw a man who owed you a smaller debt you did not show him the same kind of mercy. You attacked hin and tried to have him arrested.

 

You do this same thing to me many times a day. God has forgiven you your cheating, stealing, lying, unfair expectations, lack of love for me and these children, etc. Yet, you stand in judgment over your family trying to make sure that no one commits such acts against you (often committing these same acts again, yourself, in an effort to prove that you are, in fact, a victim to such treatment.) and when you think you've "got me now" you throw the full weight of the "law" at me. "How could you (fill in the blank)? After all I do for you?!!! You don't appreciate anything I do. I'm STILL a PERSON, you know!!!"

 

God forgives you and continues to love you. As the initiator, it is your responsiblity to "forgive" me when I'm wrong and love me anyway so that I might come to see the error of my ways and change.

 

You refuse to forgive me and demand payment for my perceived transgressions against you PLUS interest for your own pain and suffering. What happened to the man that received his pardon? Do you remember? This story is found in Matthew 18:21-35.

 

21Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” 22Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.

 

23“For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. 24“When he had begun to settle them, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. 25“But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment to be made. 26“So the slave fell to the ground and prostrated himself before him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.’ 27“And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt. 28“But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay back what you owe.’ 29“So his fellow slave fell to the ground and began to plead with him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you.’ 30“But he was unwilling and went and threw him in prison until he should pay back what was owed. 31“So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their lord all that had happened. 32“Then summoning him, his lord said to him, ‘You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33‘Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?’ 34“And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him. 35“My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.”

 

 

I have not sinned against you. I do not actually owe you anything. This idea that you have, that you can determine my fate, is a false one. With great fear and trembling before the Lord and as a giant step of faith, I have offered you a pardon through the assistance of this ministry. You refuse your pardon because that would mean admitting your failure. Instead, you go out and try to take from others and me to "pay me back" for what you have done, in your own strength. The pardon has been offered, you must choose to accept it to receive its benefits. By not accepting it, you are turning yourself over to the "torturers" until your debt is paid.

 

Notice that the man's family was to be sold with him to pay for his debt. They were paying the price alongside of him all along until he refused the pardon. HE ALONE was jailed. They were still set free.

 

If I have to divorce you because you refuse to be a Christian father and husband that will be your fault. We will be devestated by the consequences of your actions against this family but, we will still be free.

 

I do love you and I pray that you make the right decisions here but I can not drag our children into slavery to pay off your debts.

Edited January 28, 2011 by Pure in Heart
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[Carnine]

June,

 

Yup. It makes me sick too . That's why this is a LAST CHANCE. Thank you for reminding me what it's supposed to look like.

 

 

Dory and Kimberly,

 

Ouch! Thank you for loving me enough to put the truth plainly in front of my nose. I HAVE held myself responsible for... not to...

 

I am such a muddled up mess emotionally... I need to give this medicine a chance to work...

 

One thing is finally for certain though, we will go through this together or we will part ways. Our Father has plans for me and they are for my good!

Edited January 27, 2011 by Carnine

[Pure in Heart]

Strong's Number: 7971

Transliterated Word

Shalach

Phonetic Spelling

shaw-lakh'

 

Definition:

 

1. To send, send away, let go, stretch out
   
2. to send to stretch out, extend, direct
   
3. to send away
   
4. to let loose
   
5. to send off or away or out or forth, dismiss, give over, cast out
   
6. to let go, set free
   
7. to shoot forth (of branches)
   
8. to let down
   

 

Strong's Number: 630

Original Word Word Origin

apoluo from (575) and (3089)

Transliterated Word

Apoluo

Phonetic Spelling

ap-ol-oo'-

 

Definition: to let go, dismiss, (to detain no longer)

 

 

1. a petitioner to whom liberty to depart is given by a decisive answer
   
2. to bid depart, send away
   
3. used of divorce, to dismiss from the house, to repudiate. to send one's self away, to depart

 

apo'(root word)

 

Definition: of separation

 

 

1. of local separation, after verbs of motion from a place i.e. of departing, of fleeing, ...
   
2. of separation of a part from the whole
   
3. where of a whole some part is taken
   
4. of any kind of separation of one thing from another by which the union or fellowship of the two is destroyed
   
5. of a state of separation, that is of distance
   

 

 

Luo (root word)

Phonetic Spelling

loo'-o

 

Definition: of a husband and wife joined together by the bond of matrimony

 

 

Every time you have pushed your wife away, you have, by your actions, divorced her.

 

Every time you have dismissed her you have divorced her

 

The simple straightforward understanding here then is that your wife would not be divorcing you she is only giving a corresponding response to your actions of divorcing her.

 

Divorce is a VERB

 

Divorce does just not show up out of nowhere. It is deliberate choices and actions on your part NOT to connect and bring your wife NEAR.

 

This is ONE FLESH...connecting with her heart by meeting her needs (spiritual, emotional, physical).

 

How can you divide something or divorce something that is ONE? It can not be done unless one or the other tears themselves asunder to do it.

 

That is why it is something that is VIOLENT to the one YOU are tearing yourself apart from.

 

Here a synonyms of the word divorce: to dissociate, divide, disconnect, split, dis-join, total separation; disunion: a divorce between thought and action, to separate; cut off.

 

Your thoughts about yourself automatically produce actions that keep you joined only to yourself equaling SELFISHNESS.

 

If your thoughts are divorced from your actions toward her then the marriage is devoid of any connection and thus unmet desire and needs for her.

 

The opposite is when your thoughts and actions are MARRIED together and are about HER then your attention, devotion, acts of giving are directed toward and connected to meeting her needs.

 

Here are the opposite words or antonyms of divorce: combination, connection, solution, unification

 

Here are words that are the opposite of divorce and dissolution: beginning, commencement, construction, start.

 

Interestingly...these opposite words of divorce and their synonyms are exactly what J&K teach

 

They are words that denote INITIATION: to take the initiative, to give into, to commence, to go FIRST, to start, to begin, to create, to be the source of.

 

I believe it is clear that even at a cursory glance God knows what He is talking about.

 

God's CREATION ACTS in the Garden are wrought with His original design of marriage.

 

What your ideas of marriage are Chad are NOTHING like God's.

 

The question is not why would she divorce you but why have you divorced her, sent her away, cut her off and disconnected from intimacy and one flesh union?

 

Considering that the word for desire (tesh-oo-kaw) in Genesis means: a craving, a yearning, a reaching out to CONNECT to her husband gives insight into God's creative and deliberate act of putting this heart in a WOMAN.

 

Because you have disconnected, OR divorced her, you have not fulfilled by thought, word and deed a reaching back toward her heart to CONNECT and thus have put her under a CURSE.

 

Her desire shall be FOR HIM and HE SHALL RULE OVER HER.

 

This Scripture of ruling is the CURSE part of that verse.

 

How does a husband RULE OVER her?

 

By his refusal to connect to his wife and so fulfill that desire God put within her.

 

His refusal to enjoin to her and make sure ALL of her desire is met she now feels that her emotional being is ruled over by distrust, disinterest, abandoned, distraught, rejected, alone, broken, frightened, weakened, unloved.

 

Jesus Christ, a Bridegroom came to re-CONNECT or MARRY His Creation. He became a CURSE FOR HIS BRIDE, so that there could be a RELATIONSHIP. A relationship in which the Bride's needs and desires would be freely given to her. She would not earn it or be called upon to meet any expectations of its requirements.

 

This relationship IS called a COVENANT.

 

Biblical COVENANT is entered into by a decision, and the one who initiated such has the onus of responsibility to uphold it regardless of the others ability to keep it. To solidify the Covenant agreement someone must die, and blood is shed to seal it. It is irrevocable.

 

Jesus died and shed his blood for you to enter into such a New Testament or Covenant.

 

This is significant because Ephesians 5 has called a husband to die to (himself) and give his life for his wife. Herein, is the role as the husband given.

 

A husband enters into that Marriage Covenant by dying to himself, and by breaking her hymen provides the blood that is shed that consummates the agreement.

 

Your part was entered into with full agreement by having witnesses and spoken with promises or a vow to keep to keep it.

 

You have NOT kept this COVENANT. You have disregarded its requirements and responsibilities to keep it in effect.

 

It is the Bridegroom's responsibility to be the keeper of the Marriage Covenant. He is to guard it and watch over it. Since he initiated it. He is responsible to keep it in effect.

 

Much like Jesus Christ IS the Mediator of the Covenant for His Bride.

 

YOU did this and broke TRUST with the wife of your youth by treating her treacherously and throwing a garment of violence over yourself.

 

Because YOUR treachery proves your intent to send her away. This is WHY God HATES divorce. He hates the treachery that leads to it. God hates that YOU DIVORCED (DISCONNECTED) from HER in such a way (Malachi).

 

NOW do you understand?

 

IF you want to instead LOVE your wife, give your life for her and move forward; you MUST die to yourself and meet the requirements (commands) Paul instructed in Ephesians 5.

 

Dying to SELF is nothing more than telling yourself that YOU NO LONGER EXIST.

 

Not your feelings, wants, rights or anything.

 

You DIE to SELF and LIVE for a BRIDE.

 

Kimberly

Edited May 11, 2011 by Pure in Heart
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[Dar10883]

:cry : I am so very sorry that our lives are so parallel. My heart breaks so for you. When I think about ANYONE living this way, I feel sick. I cannot bear for you to be so weary and spent at his hands.If I could, I would take the burden away from you, just for a few moments to give you rest. We can only lean on Our God. He can and does give us rest....our saving grace. He always takescare of his girls.Thank you Lord for leading us to clarity and peace. Shelter Carnine in her anguish and pain,lift from her small yet strong shoulders the weight of her husbands selfishness. Please FatherGod, you know Carnines heart, she is your faithful daughter. Let her actually feel you as you wrap your loving arms around her and let her sleep,restful,long, dreamless, sleep. Thank you Father. Amen

[Carnine]

This is not going to be a long post. I need to go to sleep.

 

I collapsed at clinicals today losing consciousness for several minutes. I was humiliated but unharmed. I was taken away by ambulance to a local hospital where they diagnosed me as dehydrated and they STRONGLY recommended that I reduce the levels of stress in my life. Apparently, high cortisol levels can disturb melatonin production AND increase the likelihood of dehydration. Lucky me!

 

Thank you all for your prayers. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do from here. For now, SLEEP sounds like the best option.

 

Thank you, Dar.

 

My prayers are with you too. These darn passive men...

 

 

Oh! Chad did do really well though. He got the call to meet me at the hospital so he got dressed (so I wouldn't be embarrassed ) and collected together anything he thought I might need at the hospital. Including the phone charger. That deserves a gold star in my book!

Edited January 29, 2011 by Carnine

[Barnabas]

Hey all,

I'm just popping in to say thank you all for your prayers today. Carnine is doing much better but is need of LOTS of oxitosen (sp?). We are heading to bed now and will check back tomorrow.

 

Kim,

Thank you for your amazing post. You and Heidi are so amazingly alike when it comes to explaining God's word and how it is applicable in every situation. I was indeed an IDIOT for even asking such a question.

Truth is you and Heidi are right, I have divorced her years ago. She would just be making it "legal". Thank you for holding me accountable.

 

Chad

[J_W]

Well, are your EYES opened YET?

I collapsed at clinicals today losing consciousness for several minutes. I was humiliated but unharmed. I was taken away by ambulance to a local hospital where they diagnosed me as dehydrated and they STRONGLY recommended that I reduce the levels of stress in my life. Apparently, high cortisol levels can disturb melatonin production AND increase the likelihood of dehydration. Lucky me!

 

Thank you all for your prayers. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do from here. For now, SLEEP sounds like the best option.

 

could you, would you NOW START BLESSING YOUR BRIDE EVERY DAY with NO MORE abuse of her?

hmmmmmm????

 

put some icing on the cake, go the extra sweet blessed mile -- listen again to the "call" on oxytocin: http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/2178-five-must-listen-to-recordings/

show acts of LOVE: http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/141-acts-of-love/

 

reducing her stress -- this is YOU, Chad -- so, reduce it!

she deserves to be blessed.... and then YA'll can have a happy marriage, an OHM -- so, be the REMEDY! Isn't that great, that the Lord God would choose the very one who has done the abusing to be the one to bring the healing? I say YES, what say YOU?

 

prayerfully,

June of

Edited January 29, 2011 by Ward & June

[PlansForHope]

Really hope that you're bringing lots of healing to your wife's heart today; now is the time to be extremely consistent in doing this; your wife is very tired; she's exhausted from trying to cope with all your abuse and childlike behavior for so long; I hope that you make it a priority to get back on the conference calls tonight; speak up and let the moderators know you're listening in; then be willing to ask for help; since it's very obvious that you need it! Your wife can't keep doing this alone; she can't keep pushing and pulling you along; you need to stop wallowing in your hurt feelings; and make all your words, actions, thoughts about HER for a long season of time here!

Hope to hear you on the call.

[For Him For Her]

Chad,

 

Your posts and yours words are still ALL about you. I think from this point on you should only write in third person. You are the narrator ONLY. You are telling the story of a very shelfish OGAR and his sweet tender princess. You have got to get the focus off you. The word "I" is no longer allowed in your posting. It is time you see Carnine's story as everyone else sees it. It is very sad and very hard to read.....

 

God Bless

David

Edited January 30, 2011 by Pure in Heart

[Pure in Heart]

A copy of post written to lowtd

 

 

From the books I've read I've been able to learn where I was stuck, what caused me to act the way I did.

 

This is great lowtd and these are the first steps of spiritual maturity.

 

The deeper level of maturity however says, that because I was stuck and even though I am humble and willing to change....that those past behaviors still have CONSEQUENCES or fall out in the present. I think this is the part of truth you are overlooking.

 

This always confused me early on in my walk with Christ too. You are not alone in any regard here of learning and changing. I have learned so much being here in this Ministry and gleaning precious truth from others, including you.

 

I thought that when God saved me and washed away my sins that God also took away the resulting damage to myself, and others of my sin. This however, as you know is not the WHOLE truth.(This is why there is generational sin and curses).

 

In my own marriage, God so graciously showed up for Joshua in supernatural ways. The scales fell from his eyes and he took the vision of rebuilding the ruins to heart. He was broken and profoundly changed. BUT, the damage to me and his sons was devastating. He had to face the fall out from his actions in our marriage and as a father. God forgave him and so did I completely but it did not stop the fact that the harvest of destruction was still producing in the present.

 

He did not give up. He is planting new seeds in the new soil of his heart. God broke up the fallow ground first. He had to prepare the soil to receive the POTENTIAL of a life giving SEED (truth) to eventually produce a harvest that will bear the peaceable fruit of righteousness in his own life, my life and his sons.

 

He is STILL planting those new seeds and we are now expectantly waiting to see the harvest of those seeds. Some harvests come in quickly and other seeds that are sown take longer to see those results.

 

Yes, Jesus has loved you and forgiven you. This is TRUTH. Yet, God does NOT stop the result of or the effects of those sins upon others and even yourself. Whatever a man sows (ignorant or not) that will he also reap.

 

Of course their is GRACE for your ignorance but it does not then automatically cancel the results and effects of sin. The results are still there but paying the punishment for being the source or cause of it is forgiven.

 

With your wife...although you have made great efforts and have great faith in God.....their was still the principle of cause and effect put into play. It has to play out all the way to the end of that particular harvest. Genesis says, While the earth remains, Seed, TIME and Harvest, And cold and heat, And summer and winter, And day and night shall not cease.

 

We as Christians, plant seed but seem to want to jump past the TIME aspect in God.

 

In marriage recovery and restoration there is a lag time between a husband making authentic changes and being able to see the results or the HARVEST of those efforts in his wife. Those times are the opportunity for growth and maturity to take place. It is the exercising of your spiritual muscles that will make you stronger in the end.

 

This, in the meantime, is where great men of God are molded and formed by the Potter's hands. This is the prison for Joseph, the valleys where David watched over his sheep, in Midian where Moses was pasturing the flock of Jethro his father-in-law. It was during that season, that TIME God was PREPARING them for that place and purpose in in God.

 

This principle of sowing and reaping reinforces for us that God is IMMUTABLE and He changes not. That His Word never ceases to be true and right and we can count it. This is our assurance to base our trust in God (on) and His principles.

 

It certainly is difficult to walk this out when the reaping we do is in the negative. It is hard to endure and have to walk out.

 

But Galatians 6 declares, Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life(of the absolute fullness of life). Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.

 

 

I pray this helps clarify things for you.

 

Blessings,

 

Kimberly

Edited January 30, 2011 by Pure in Heart

[Carnine]

After the phone call last night, I slept in today. I didn't really "wake up" until noon. Chad had the day off and is taking us to church this PM but kept the kids quiet and happy while I slept. I almost feel like a new woman. We had one minor disagreement which could have gotten WAY out of hand but didn't. We are now eating a bit of lunch and planning to take the kids to a local park. It is a gorgeous day!

 

I am dropping my two online classes after a lot of prayer and discussion with Kathy. I really wanted to be done at the end of this quarter but I am demanding far too much of myself to get it done. I will have to add one more quarter to my schooling in order to graduate. As sad as that makes me, I know it is the right thing to do. The good news is that it will allow me to be more plugged in on the forum encouraging my sisters !

 

I am going to get through this and that is, in no small part, thanks to all of you!

 

Much love!

 

Heidi

[Dar10883]

Aaaaaaah... Carnine you sound so much better. When awoman lives with a passive man she goes above an beyond to fill all the gaps, comes pretty easily at first, but is very difficult to try for perfection LONGTERM and as you said full throttle.Thank you Father for Kathys wisdom. lt is a good thing to drop a couple classes at this point(YOU are NOT expected to be SUPERWOMAN, HE is to be a hero to you! No one said anything about SUPER). So slow down take a breather and love those babies even more with your "extra" time. lol It was good to hear your voice on the call last night. I miss you. Dar

[dory]

and collected together anything he thought I might need at the hospital. Including the phone charger. That deserves a gold star in my book!

Wow! for passive guy, that IS good! Did you have to remind him????

[Carnine]

Wow! for passive guy, that IS good! Did you have to remind him????

 

Nope . I never spoke to him. I was passed out in the back of an ambulance. He thought of this all by himself!

[dory]

Nope . I never spoke to him. I was passed out in the back of an ambulance. He thought of this all by himself!

Impressive!

[Barnabas]

Allowing the fear of failing to take control is what has kept this marriage from growing into what God had planned and Heidi desired. Admitting that all of Heidi's pain and suffering was in fact a direct result of my actions meant that there was far more responsibility in being a husband and a father than could be done in my book. That meant guaranteed failure and whatever happens as a result would be all my fault. Then when everything did fail and fall apart, Heidi and God wouldn't like me or want me. Failure would be my scarlet letter to wear for all to see. So why even try if it was a guaranteed failure? But the truth is NOT TRYING would guaranteed Heidi and our beautiful children to a miserable life.

 

Last night was an amazing night for our family. At the request of Kathy we called in to talk to Josh and Kim and asked them to pray over us to be released from the generational curse that was handed down from generation to generation. There seemed to be a connection as Josh explained about the anger and frustration that he had and how it began to just fall off as he grew closer to God. Our home and marriage needed that peace too. We wept and prayed together and as we did a peace settled over our home and Heidi said she felt safe for the first time she could remember in a very long time. She is going to drop her 2 online classes and that will mean her diploma will come 3-4 month later but she is already feeling much less pressure on her and we are very thankful to Kathy for her advice.

 

We did go visit a new church tonight and really enjoyed it. Heidi had a great idea to just pop in to the church across the street from our kids daycare and it truly was a great idea. It was as if God told her where we should go. We will definitely visit again on Wednesday and Sunday morning.

 

Thank you all again for your prayers. We have a long road in front of us but there is no reason to fear.

 

Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen. Matthew 28:19,20

 

Thankful,

Chad

Edited January 31, 2011 by Barnabas

[Pure in Heart]

We love you both!!

 

Believing and praying for your marriage.

 

You will make it!!

 

[Barnabas]

In reading Romans chapter 2 today I was slapped across the face with this.

 

verse 2 And thinkest thou this, O man, that judgest them which do such things, and doest the same, that thou shalt escape the judgment of God?

And I remembered Heidi posting this to me.

God has forgiven you your cheating, stealing, lying, unfair expectations, lack of love for me and these children, etc. Yet, you stand in judgment over your family trying to make sure that no one commits such acts against you

 

Then just a few lines later I read this.

vs 8, 9 But unto them that are contentious, and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, indignation and wrath, Tribulation and anguish, upon every soul of man that doeth evil, of the Jew first, and also of the Gentile;

 

And I immediately thought of what Joshua said about the anger he had and I have in our lives from fighting God's divine will but then this followed in verse 10.

But glory, honour, and peace, to every man that worketh good, to the Jew first, and also to the Gentile:

And that lined right up with the peace Joshua spoke of as the fear and anger fell away when he was doing what he was supposed to do.

 

God IS faithful and true and I have nothing to fear in following His will by listening to my beautiful bride.

Thank you God for your Son, your Word, and my incredible wife, Heidi.

[Barnabas]

Ok. After some time to think about it, I don't need days off .

 

I was off of work yesterday and there was no one else home but me. I tasked for a bit and got tied up with the cable company, but mostly, I just took the day off. It was GREAT! Until, everyone came home and I couldn't get out of my selfish mindset that I had enjoyed for most of the day. I didn't even realize that I was so self focused. I guess I should have known better . I had a hard time controlling my tone of voice and my feelings of resentment for the first two hours or so after they got home.

 

Heidi started picking up on it after about an hour (probably sooner but was giving me a chance to catch it myself) and pretty much told me to cut it out and suck it up. GOOD FOR HER! I wasn't perfect at it, but I did my best, with God's help, and when I slipped she was on my toes. I couldn't have gotten away with it if I had tried.

 

You know what? This really isn't that hard.

 

I REFUSE to give in to that stubborn child inside of me any more!

 

Until tomorrow,

 

Chad

[PlansForHope]

This is why it's so very important to get on the calls every night for awhile; get plugged in here to the forum every day; be VERY proactive in making your wife the #1 priority here for a season of time! Just listen to what she says to you; then DO what she's asked you to do!

That's all that she wants, to know that you're willing to lay your life down for her right now; just listen to her heart; love her with a true, sincere agape love; start healing these many, many wounds you've put into her heart and soul from your ongoing abuse!

So stop making life all about you, your childish feelings, your feelings of entitlement: and start really living as a real Christlike man!

Get back on the calls asap; speak up and let the moderators know you're listening in; and ask for help if you need it!

[PlansForHope]

Dear Carnine;

Just checking in here; wondering how things are going this week? I'm hoping that your husband has been really loving and blessing you this week; praying that you're finding lots of time to rest and relax! I don't know if either of you have had a chance to listen in to any of the conference calls; would encourage you to do that some this week if you have time! Have missed seeing you post here; hope that this means that things are going a bit better!

Will keep praying for you and your family; God bless you this week; send lots and lots of strength, hope, peace, and joy your way every moment of each day!

[Carnine]

Dear Carnine;

Just checking in here; wondering how things are going this week? I'm hoping that your husband has been really loving and blessing you this week; praying that you're finding lots of time to rest and relax! I don't know if either of you have had a chance to listen in to any of the conference calls; would encourage you to do that some this week if you have time! Have missed seeing you post here; hope that this means that things are going a bit better!

Will keep praying for you and your family; God bless you this week; send lots and lots of strength, hope, peace, and joy your way every moment of each day!

 

Dear PlansForHope,

 

You know how it is with a passive husband. We aren't doing badly but, I wouldn't say we have reached "good" yet either. We are moving in the right direction and I am being MUCH more consistent in my helpmeeting since I officially dropped those classes. We have gotten into the habit of going to bed earlier and praying together before we go to sleep. Chad is getting up at 5:00 AM now, reading his Bible, and walking for exercise before he gets ready for the day. I get up a bit later because it's always taken me a little longer to fall asleep. We do listen to the calls just not as late into the evening as we used to. In fact, we're listening right now!

 

I don't post every day because I don't always have anything to talk about but I read here and pray daily for most of the posts. I really appreciate your checking in on me. Everyone likes to know that they're missed when they're not around!

[Barnabas]

Plans for hope,

Thank you for always stopping in and helping out. The calls ARE a GREAT way to renew you mind. Heidi and I are listening on the calls at least 3 times a week. We don't have regular days that we do listen, it just all depends on our schedules. I have got back to getting up inthe mornings to walk and read God's Word and have been going through Romans.

 

I'm still really stuck at setting my feelings aside. Today started out really good but I allowed myself to get resentful this evening when we all went to a childs birthday party. I had a pretty hard day at work and while we had fun at the party, I was a jerk when it came time to leave and I didn't want to have to do anything any more. I had done my "work" for the day and it was "my time" now. Thank God Heidi is sooo awesome. She saw it and nipped it in the bud right away. I'm going to get this one way or another and hopefully it will even kill me.

 

Now I'm going to listen a bit more to the call and love on my beautiful bride. If she'll let me that is.

 

Prayerfully,

Chad

Edited February 3, 2011 by Barnabas