Aspiewife and Romans working together now!

[aspiewife]

[aspiewife]

My child,

 

You were never called to dwell in the stables of the wicked...no I redeemed you from the world and from the death writ of the enemy who would deceive you still, if you allow him to.

 

No, you were called long ago to meet me on the threshing floor...that place of harvest where a separation from all that is not of me can be broken off from each one of my children.

 

The threshing floor is the altar of the kinsman-redeemer who lays down his life for the one he loves. Like Boaz, who covered Rachel with his protection in the night hours when she came to him for covering and confirmation, you can find the grace and mercy to lay your life down.He did not refuse her, nor did he wait to fulfill his calling to defend her. In his obedience to his calling, he pointed the way toward me, YOUR kinsman-redeemer.

 

I have covered you with my robe on this threshing floor...you have no need to fear me or the beating out of the chaff in your life. Choose total relinquishment to me, be like me.

 

Look me full in my face. Look me full in my grace. I unstrapped my sandals and chose to kneel at the dirty feet of my men...my children.

 

My heart of great love for you is broken anew each time you choose not to kneel with me. I created you to serve and love, to protect and create life.

 

Why do my children desire to be like Belshazzar who misused my instruments of worship and sanctification? Consecrated vessels...all of you. Each one I shed my blood for.

 

I have invited you to enter into my rest, to take my yoke on yourself...will you enter into Me?

 

I am waiting...meet me on the threshing floor...the harvest is there in the discipline and the separating of flesh from spirit.

 

Amen Lord. You are good. We worship you Redeemer...

[aspiewife]

POST IX-

 

Finis. The End.

 

I promise that not any of this is motivated by an interest in revenge or retaliation, bitterness or resentment.

 

I am hurt. Terribly. I am disillusioned by my husband's heart and soul, his behavior and choices. I am so sad for the brokenness that he has birthed into our lives, even our children.

 

But I am free...I am free...I am free to worship the Lord and not be bound in any unholy alliances anymore.

 

I cannot follow my precious Holy Spirit's call to life abundantly while being murdered spiritually and emotionally over and over.

 

Amen. It IS all good...

 

FINIS. The End.

[dory]

I believe that, especially as men, we need at least one or two trusted friends with whom we can dump.

Actually I agree with this statement, for until he can take it to God completely and without fail, he WILL need a venting buddy. The thing he hasn't yet learned yet is that this venting buddy needs to be someone walking this walk, i.e. Joel. And NOT someone validating his OLD thinking. Now this is something he would learn at the (I hate to say it ... ) intensive.

 

A good safety valve for the we-are-men-and-must-forever-be-strong role we take on ourselves.

Typical immaturity until he gets more understanding of this program. Nemo was MUCH the same in the beginning - at least with regards to his immature thinking. Looking back, I am amazed that he kept a job.

 

"There But for the Grace of God go I?"

 

sigh....

[aspiewife]

Dory, you are an awesome blue water girl!

 

Thank you for handling that need for me re: the posts! You ROCK!

 

Yes, I had always supported his maintaining this friendship because he is a close mentor and almost lifelong friend...

 

It just saddens me to see the tone of their discourse regarding Romans' whining and lack of effort in providing...

 

Totally agree with you about being encouraged and sharing with men here who 'get it'...

 

I'm sure that an intensive would be eye opening--I am at this point thinking he should go do it himself...getting to Atlanta might take several weeks and lots of wiggling around his new work schedule, but I am all for it.

 

Bottom line, it's all up to him. I don't live with him, I am not responsible for him, I am not involved with him in any way except parenting decisions and church work that I must do with him.

 

AW

[aspiewife]

Got up this morning and after reading my series of posts I feel nauseous...

 

And I'm surprised by how much I didn't address/reveal...

 

I just feel sick...sickened by reading this again by the light of day.

 

Here's one quote from one of his emails that I have to address again--

 

Jxx -

 

Outside of my loving and faithful wife, you're still one of my two best friends on the planet.

 

I previously wrote about this -

 

THIS IS HIS FIRST AND ONLY COMMENTARY ABOUT MY FAITHFULNESS AND GOODNESS...

 

What I am now seeing: this one statement of semi-validation about me, is really just part of a statement of appreciation for what Bruce receives from those around him.

 

In other words, as I have seen for years, in his self-centeredness, he only views meaningful relationships from the viewpoint of what he receives...

 

So, he wasn't validating me as much as he was engaging in self-pitying statements about how few friends he has, and his description of me is as much a description of his failures as it is my positive attributes.

 

Try reading it this way-- "I'm such a financial failure, I don't do what a husband should do to provide for their family, so you and my 'loving and faithful wife' are about all I have to lean on...so of course, you my only other friend, can dump on me,like I dump on you and my wife..."

 

Does anyone else see this?

 

No wonder I have felt like such a non-entity. I only existed for what he got out of me...

 

AW

[aspiewife]

Hey forum fellowship friends,

 

tomorrow will mark one week since I totally went dark/pushed Romans out of the house for the last time...

 

I have to work with him at two churches Sunday am, then rehearsals Sunday afternoon, Monday nite, Tuesday nite performance.

 

Plus, our 21 yr old son is coming through town today(first time here from Wyoming, since October) and wants me to cook dinner for he and a friend...he of course wants his step-dad included. No matter how I navigate this one, I will end up having to absorb the negative...either my son's disappointment that I don't have Romans with us, or having H eat with us and having to absorb being in his presence.

 

Catch-22.

 

I have to get through this somehow even though I just informed Romans a few days ago I am filing for divorce...

 

So, it looks like I have wall-to-wall Romans through wednesday, and I need prayer and encouragement.

 

Also facing imminent foreclosure status alone, without a supportive spouse. Just found out about this 8 days ago...predatory lender altered our loan and showing me way more in arrears than I should be.

 

Need the Lord to prevail and provide...just don't think I can deal with moving right now...too much change for me and for our youngest son who has already lost several siblings who have moved out/away...he is on autism spectrum and has really struggled with anxiety because of what's been happening in the end of this marriage.

 

Please visit my thread and I promise I will be so gratefully reading and re-reading any prayers or expressions of support while I try to hang on through this growth step I am embarking on!

 

Here's the thread--much love to y'all in Jesus' name-

 

http://www.joelandkathy.com/boards/viewtopic.php?p=79034#79034

 

AW

[heartsong]

oh, honey....

 

I'm so, so sorry. I don't have the time to write much right now, but I had to quickly let you know that I am thinking about you. I know you are overwhelmed and swimming through all kinds of hurt in your heart...

 

I am praying that love and peace will surround you, that clarity and truth will guide you, and that you will know, above all else, who you Are. beloved daughter of our unfailing King.

 

sink into your connection to this through the music you will play...pour your heart into this special language the Lord has given you...

 

and I pray you will find comfort there.

 

we all love you!!

 

xo

heartsong

[Purple]

will be covering you in prayer and holding you in my thoughts. My heart is grieving for you & this situation.

[son-worshipper]

Hi AW,

 

I have a friend going through this right now. She got an attorney, prayed in copies of all of her payments, and is getting ready to go to court. You can get posibly get an attorney through Legal Services or Legal Aid. This woman was about to lose her home which represented her lifetime of investment, but God brought her through and it looks like this landlord will be forced to pay back the inappropriate fees and court fees he has stolen from her in his greedy scheme.

 

Be sure to search for other complaints or court cases that have been filed against him. There likely are other complaints and court documents that will help you prevail against this ungodly man. He's probably used many different personal names and business names. He may conduct business in several states. He's left a trail of casualties; you have to find it.

 

I pray the Lord gives you favor with the judges/attorneys and with those who may help you document your payment history. I pray the Lord will bless your memory and drop creative ideas into your spirit at night while you rest.

 

My friend paid with money orders and personal checks. She was able to get the copies of her payments through her bank. This saved her much money, time, and headaches. She also got copies where he'd signed the checks she wrote to the landlord (from the bank).

[Pure in Heart]

Romans,

 

Where are you??

 

In spite of struggles Romans and having to take a hard stance with you...you MUST man up here. The days are short and the Lord has need of Christ-like men in the Earth to bring His kingdom into reality.

 

Will you be one of those men?

 

"Many are called but FEW are chosen." Be the chosen Romans...be the few who walk the narrow...the wide path is the path of least resistance. It leads to destruction. The narrow leads to LIFE.

 

 

 

Kimberly

[Pure in Heart]

aspie,

 

It just saddens me to see the tone of their discourse regarding Romans' whining and lack of effort in providing...

 

Totally agree with you about being encouraged and sharing with men here who 'get it'.

 

I think as part of Romans restoration process personally and maritally would be to "come out of the closet" of male-privileged and entitlement thinking and be real and up-front with his friend concerning marriage. I would like to see this be a "conditional" step for him...the e-mail itself posted...to unchain himself from having an out or a friend to run to who does not share his knowledge of the truth. That would truly be standing up for truth and being a good friend to this man for the sake of his marriage also.... "Faithful are the wounds of a friend"

 

It could have the potential of bringing healing to your heart aspie for Romans to confront this friend and own that his previous attitudes about you or any wife has been changed dramatically. That his new found truth of honoring and dying for a Bride is life at its pinnacle in marriage.

 

For what it is worth...

 

Kimberly

[Jaya]

Atlanta's about a five-hour drive. Need to solve this one.

 

Due to the direness of your situation (you should understand this as you say you have read your wife's thread) then this one really is easy. You drive it. or you bus it. Or you hitchhike. but you get there. Even if it means you need to stay overnight (either FHFH or UndyingTrust have said they have a place to sleep - I can not remember which one) and then drive home the next day. And as for work that is navigatable as well. If you REALLY want this marriage to your wife you will find a job that allows you the flexibility to make it to this meeting. Your LIFE and your MARRIAGE depend on it.

 

You know, i do my best spiritual warfare praying in the car when I am driving. I would LOVE a five hour drive every week to a meeting...... If you are a worship leader, my guess is your best worship time might be during this drive as well (I am not a worship leader though, that is not what I am saying).

 

Anyways, I think I should have covered every excuse you can come up with as a reason to not be able to do this. I do hope that you understand that your relationship with your wife depends on this.

 

I also know I have not minced words here, and neither has PureInHeart and Neither has Looney nor anyone else who has posted to you. I can not believe that someone with your ability to connect with God in worship the way you are able to has not been able to connect with Him and see His heart for your wife. Somehow you are missing the dynamic that Holy Spirit has between husband and wife. It is a dynamic so great that when husband and wife connect with Holy Spirit then absolutely nothing can stop them. You two ministering together is so much more greater than you doing it on your own. So why do you keep choosing to go solo???

 

Further more, if you keep choosing to go solo then you will find that Holy Spirits power in you will diminish as you are MEANT to minister with your wife at your side. Take that dynamic away and there goes half your power! Do you want to live like that? Do you want to experience it? If not then I suggest that you start applying what you are learning here. You've given the words. The words mean nothing without action behind them! Time to get your butt in gear! Your wife is a beautiful communicator so you really have no excuse here, Mr! When you ignore her voice you essentially ignore what Holy Spirit is trying to reveal to you. What happens if you ignore Holy Spirit? You start to miss what He is telling you. It is a dangerous place to go to and you, sir, are more than on your way. Time to do a 180! Are you going to step up to the plate? or are you going to turn and run away with your tail between your legs?

 

I hope you see the heart out of which I post here. Nice words have not worked! Not that I am being mean here but definately bringing a sternness to the table. What do we have to do to get you to see the dire straights you and your marriage are in??? Your wife is drowning and you are posting words rather than DOING what she needs you to do! Dive in and rescue her!!!! We are all cheering for you and rooting for you here! We all want to see you succeed and see her and you both walking in wholeness and healing! It starts with you though! Your wife can NOT continue to die so that your flesh may live. You need to squash and kill that flesh of yours and bring healing to that beautiful wife of yours! Are you going to do that?

[Dar10883]

Oh Aspie, I am praying for you right now for strength, guidance and peace! Love Dar

[Pure in Heart]

The churchians who just think we're "worship musicians" have no clue.

 

This statement personally bothers me more than all of them. It "feels" like he is lessening the importance of the honor and absolute privilege it is and a high calling to be "worship leaders"....it is not JUST worship. For a "worship leader" to diminish the sacredness of that and compare it to "other musical displays of talents" saddens me for his heart. God's heart IS worship because worship is birthed out of desire and love.

 

Therein perhaps lies the problem?

 

If you have not love.....

 

My .02 cents

 

Kimberly

[aspiewife]

PIH wrote on my thread:

 

Posted: Sun Mar 14, 2010 5:50 am Post subject:

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Romans writing email to a friend:

The churchians who just think we're "worship musicians" have no clue.

 

Kimberly continues:

This statement personally bothers me more than all of them. It "feels" like he is lessening the importance of the honor and absolute privilege it is and a high calling to be "worship leaders"....it is not JUST worship. For a "worship leader" to diminish the sacredness of that and compare it to "other musical displays of talents" saddens me for his heart. God's heart IS worship because worship is birthed out of desire and love.

 

Therein perhaps lies the problem?

 

If you have not love.....

 

My .02 cents

 

Kimberly

[romans12:2]

Yesterday I logged onto the forum long enough to read the series of recent posts by Aspie.

 

There's no doubt that she has been grievously, grievously hurt by my attitude, my actions and my conversations.

 

Forget for a minute for any shock I have in terms of realizing my own behavior. What Aspie is saying is that she thought she knew me, and she's realizing more and more how little she did, and it's becoming clearer and clearer to her why I've been so damaging to her.

 

I've been through her posts again. And I'm going to have to read them again and sort through what she's saying and the responses from all of you helpers.

 

I would ask that you guys pray as you see fit. What Aspie showed me in this ministry over four months ago, what I saw as being a way for me to learn how to love her, has opened a major spiritual battle for me.

 

This has become a war for my soul, and a war to kill my flesh.

 

My emotions, my pride, my self-defenses and self-protections are really being put into the light and put to the test here. They have been flaring up as I read through the posts.

 

We had been told that there would be "bumps in the road" on the way to an OHM. The condition of my soul and spirit is calling for something like a complete engine overhaul on my part . . like, fasting and prayer are part of the repair.

 

Okay - enough about me.

 

Aspie - I see where you asked the helpers on the forum who are your GFs to watch my thread for you. I have caused you pain simply by getting your hopes up that there was going to be, at least fifty percent of the time, something with real substance, something that was really from my heart to yours.

 

I have fooled you and myself in this respect: The teachings of this ministry, such as the Ephesians 5 text, have not yet really penetrated down to the bottom of my heart. I've learned to talk a really good talk - but you and the helpers on the forum have begun to see through my talk. I ask your forgiveness. You certainly did not deserve to give your heart to a man who spent so many years learning to survive at the expense of everyone else around him by being, as PIH puts it, a "smooth operator". Looney was absolutely right - you let me back in way too soon. There should have been a time of testing my heart, my spirit and my stick-ability before you let me back in.

 

I am truly sorry for what the condition of my heart has done to you, and to the kids, in terms of emotional abuse, material neglect, and lack of spiritual leadership and covering.

 

And I am sorry for the ongoing cycle of emotional and relational abandonment I've carried on right up to the present. You were weeping in the kitchen just yesterday, desperately needing to connect with me and have a meaningful conversation, and I was too wrapped up in myself to oblige you. My flesh said, "I have to control this .. I have to be in control .. otherwise it's too scary." I am ashamed that I would not shut that voice up, put it away and just listen to you. I made you feel abandoned, alone, devastated, unwanted and uncared for, again.

 

I will be posting an accounting of my time, in terms of prayer, time with God, and work-related activities. I will also initiate conversation with you, and finish the apology letters. I will also come up with a way to get to Atlanta.

 

Thanks to all the helpers on my string, and on Aspie's.

 

B/R12:2

[Looney_Tunes]

I'm really struggling with what to say to you, Bruce. You sound like you're finally beginning to understand . . . but I've thought that before. You sound like you're really going to fight this time . . . but I've thought that before.

 

A few months ago, your sweet wife reached out and grabbed a piece of my heart and refused to let go . . . and so, because you are one flesh, did you. I want you to get this. I am willing to hang in there with you and give you as much help as I possibly can, IF you will stay engaged and consistently do the things you are asked to do. If you are not willing to do that, then I will tell your wife good riddance and will give her a place to stay if she needs it.

 

So . . . what's the verdict? Should I spend any more time with you, or should I move on to others who might need my help?

[Pure in Heart]

Bruce,

 

Admittedly your apology is quite eloquent and touches it seems on the very real issues at hand.

 

I am sorry if like aspie I can not yet trust your intentions and motives though by my spirit I do sense a certain crack in your veneer.

 

For her sake and yours I am praying that you will receive breakthrough and the floodgates of God's mercy is poured out to both of you.

 

Like Looney said, you are an endearing man. No where does J&K ever say that a man does not also possess certain gifts and strengths. All of us here have also recognized these. You have a charisma that is probably one of the very many reasons aspie has loved you deeply.

 

I pray you live from these strengths and put to death those weaknesses that hinder love.

 

I am rooting for your marriage as both of you have in many ways captured my heart and agreement with God of His anointing on your lives.

 

Please DO this Bruce. For Jesus and for your Bride.

 

Kimberly

[Looney_Tunes]

Another thing, Bruce . . . I really think you should resign your worship position. I know that you are a "package deal" with Sharon and you're not receiving your own salary for doing this. Not only should you get your own heart and house in order first, but it is absolutely KILLING Sharon to have to get up there with you and worship right now. Give her a break.

[aspiewife]

Kim,

 

I figured that this statement might bother you...

 

It bothers me in the context of his not working a job...In all fairness, basically he's (I think) blaming the church/christians we work for because they have not been paying ME a fair and living wage/salary.

 

Onthe one hand, I agree with Bruce about his point here. I have three + decades of experience as a professional musician, internationally published/recording artist, concert level pianist, jazz musician, etc.

 

Men in the south (bible belt) make 50-100% more for the same ministry jobs as women do. I could go to another geographical area and really provide much better for my family.

 

I have a young friend...a guy we mentored and helped train in some worship understanding, who got a job in our denomination that pays him full-time pay, with health benefits,etc.

 

My denominational district superintendent could've let me know about that position...he knew I needed better work.

 

Even though I had 'seniority' per se, I was never even told about the job...So my kids and I go without many of our security and provision needs being met.

 

If romans had been saying something like what I stated, pointing out that the 'churchians' that we work for have no idea what we are capable of, well that would be a fair and balanced statement...

 

On the other hand, what's slimy about this ('smooth operater'--amen.) is that Bruce has perniciously done this...he becomes a melancholy, arm-chair critic of issues that he views himself somehow above, missing all the while, the awareness that he criticizes (looking down his nose) what he

concurrently refuses to dig down and participate in.

 

We've all seen folks like this-- the book critic, who can't write a successful novel, the music critic who can't perform/play worth a darn, etc.

 

So, I believe this is part of his pattern of 'excusing' himself from pursuit and participation...criticize/analyze/intellectualize it, but don't DO it...his entire pattern of speech is like the way politicians do it...saying 'we' when they're really just talking about the actions and involvement of waht others are doing.

 

Romans hasn't had--

 

His own career

His own goals

His own identity

His own strength

etc,etc.

 

So he has used the 'we are doing thus and so..." pattern as a subterfuge for his non-participation, his irresponsibility...

 

 

Also, I have complained myself about our treatment here in this city by the body of Christ we have served...

 

It is a hard thing to be laboring as faithful worship leadesr, while seeing that the fellowships we serve go about their business-as-usual while not caring about romans' need for men to mentor and help him move forward in grace to obtain a job...I've asked, over and over for help for him...

 

But I agree with you dear, in the context of his whining about not having money for a laptop repair, when he made no effort to get a job, and whining about trying to get a 'gig', which he never really tried very hard to do, this is a ridiculous statement.

 

For me, the worst part is tha,t again, Romans has been content to 'allow' me to 'obtain' income for us, without ever really struggling with his fears to break through and do that for us.

 

The other sad part of this is that his friend whom he emails, is a devout Jew, and they frequently have spiritual discussions that I think are meaningful...

 

On the other hand, I didn't even post a copy of the email conversation that included some commentary from my husband and reply from his friend, regarding 'spicy single Christian ladies'...

 

sigh.

 

Two middle aged married guys engaging in this conversation about why spicy Christian gals were interested (in years past) in Romans' friend...

I don't get it--all this while bruce could've been reaching out to his friend and really seeking to change and improve his vocational life (his friend works in academia in a similar musical field as Romans' training).

 

Anyway, I am grieved and exhausted and ready to quit, so I don't really want to spend any more time on this tonight...

 

Thanks dear for your posts and your heart...I agree with what HS was saying to you about Romans needing to 'repent'...

 

I've been saying the same thing to him for years, he would not receive it.

 

AW

 

PS Sorry for typos...brain injury makes this so frustrating for me as a professional writer/english major! I just get tired of fixing my insdie, I mean inside-out typing

[aspiewife]

dar,

 

I love you sweet sister!

 

I'm sure that your prayers are like precious jewels of color and substance to our Lord, as you pray for me while you are encountering so much loss in your own heart dear...

 

I am in almost mindless agony right now...but praying for others is a great help and source of strength to me, as I am reminded that we do not suffer alone, or needlessly when we can support each other...

 

Love you so much...you are really doing a great job of following God Dar!

 

AW

[Dar10883]

Love to you sweet sister,

I am in almost mindless agony right now...but praying for others is a great help and source of strength to me, as I am reminded that we do not suffer alone, or needlessly when we can support each other...

God is with you and me. We are not alone ... Sometimes I can actually FEEL his loving arms around me. Its so awesome! I agree, praying for others helps me profoundly also. My heart truly aches for you, I wish we could take turns sharing the pain so we could have a rest, a reprive, just momentarily. Id love to do that for you! Love Dar

[romans12:2]

On the subject of resigning my worship post:

 

I am more than willing to consider this. If it were just me - I don't need the position or the prestige.

 

On the other hand - what Aspie and I have both wanted is some anonymity. Only a few people at this point know what we're going through. I have been a support in the bands we play in, and I have stepped in and led during the weeks she has been out. My suddenly being gone would leave a hole, some questions about why I'm not there, and might threaten the anonymity.

 

In addition to my apology letter to Aspie, the second letter she has asked me for is a letter to our friends and those we've been in ministry with, confessing my failures and the evil I've committed as a supposed husband and believer. I am making this a letter with the possibility of taking it before the congregations we are serving and putting my sins and shortcoming in the open, in the light, so there is no possibility of gossip or misunderstanding. That may be the time for me to take a leave.

 

I have made things so dire for Aspie, though, that she is now facing having to find a full-time job and quit school. As gifted a worship leader, and as in tune with the Holy Spirit as she is, she was never called to serve as a hireling like this, only for the pay, and have to face the judgement of congregants who don't understand our situation, who have constantly asked, "You have a husband - why doesn't he support you?"

 

(...without giving her the grace to say, "Because he's an overgrown child who's lived life being addicted to his own fear, and been okay with it for the last twenty years while his children and I have suffered" ....)

 

Looney is right: It tore her insides up this morning to have to be on the same platform with me this morning.

 

If this is a rambling answer, I apologize, but I'm trying to stay on topic. I've put Aspie in an impossible place, and she deserves to have the answer on this weighed with great care.

 

As I say, I am more than willing to resign from the platform if that's what God is saying.

 

 

B/R12:2

[Looney_Tunes]

There are definitely pros and cons to both scenarios.

 

If nothing else, you should make a public confession. Then, after you talk it over with Sharon and come to an agreement, do whatever it is God is leading you to do.

 

Talking to Sharon might involve email rather than phone - she is finding it pretty painful to be around you right now.

 

And you didn't address my other question . . . are you going to stay here and get help, or are you checking out for good?