Going for the GOLD!!!

[1love]

What a week. It seems like it has been forever since I have been here.

 

I told J yesterday that for this move supposed to be giving us more time together and causing less stress, that it hasn't turned out that way. The first week was pretty rough.

 

One thing I did not mention last week is that on Monday after taking our daughter for x-rays, we went to Wal-Mart. On my way in, I had a confrontation with a former pastor. In the past, our meetings have been congenial enough, and this meeting started out that way. I will not go into the details of any of it. Let's suffice it to say that it did not end with me having warm, fuzzy feelings. My week did not start well. That night when I told J about it, he said he was proud of me for the way I handled the situation and prayed concerning it. That was over and not thought about anymore.

 

Thursday, after my last post, I got a call from #2 daughter. Her car had quit on her about 10 miles from home on her way to school. It was raining big time all day long. Fortunately, the rain made #3 son able to leave work and go to her rescue. He called for a tow truck to take the car home, and he picked her up, took her to school, and stayed there until she was through. Thursday is her longest day not getting through until 8:30 at night. When they got home .... the car started! It was running very roughly so she did not trust it for going to school on Friday.

 

#2 son did not get off until 2 on Friday, so the other kids and I came home so I could take her to her 2:30 class. It was very windy which is not easy van driving weather but especially with a broken wrist. Therefore, I drove her to class. When we got home, #2 and 3 sons were home.

 

#3 son had stopped to take care of the towing bill .... $125!!!! That is outrageous. The place about three blocks further would have only been $75! I requested son to call and challenge the bill, unfortunately he had already paid with credit card. He called and got no where with the guy. I called. I have NEVER been treated so rudely. I was having to talk over the guy just to say anything as he would not let me get a word in edgeways. I finally said, "Would you be quiet. I am trying to talk." He hung up on me!!!!! Really!!!!! Of course all the kids are hearing this, my end anyway. #3 son asked, "Did he just hang up on you?" "Yes, he did!" I called back and asked if that is really how he treats his customers. I don't remember his exact words but to the effect of, "Yes, when they are hot headed." Well, I was not being hot headed for starters; I just didn't back down and get mowed over! I told him I have never been treated so rudely. Here is the final outcome. The $125 stands, and they have lost all future business, including #3 son's truck appointment that was scheduled for this week. Son cancelled it when he called about the bill.

 

J was having to work on Saturday morning, so I left home after this confrontation to drive up to pick him up from work .... and the two of us have the new house to ourselves. Nice thought! After picking him up, I was relaying my confrontation to him. He interrupted with his comments at one point....as if I wasn't saying anything. That was it. I hit my hand down on the steering wheel (I was driving) and said (not quite yelling but close I'm sure) something like, "STOP IT! YOU ARE DOING IT TOO!!!!" He stopped talking.

 

I was not wanting to fix supper. In fact, when I picked him up, I asked where we were going to eat .... not a lot of choices. The response was the house. I should have pushed the issue I guess, but I also knew that we would get better and healthier food at the house rather than the available restaurant. When we got to the house, I was getting things out for fixing supper. I don't remember what he was getting ready to do, but he came over, held me, and prayed concerning all the junk that had hit that week. I felt much better.

 

He got the remaining two mini-blinds hung and got on the computer to type up his "parts list" for a gas line to get that in process. I went to bed. I thought the move would get rid of the 4am alarms except for Monday's, but there it was again. He was to be in at 5 and working till 9.

 

Saturday didn't go well either. Due to a severe lack of communication between J and #3 son that I happened to get caught in the middle of, I had driven son's truck up so that J could pick something up to take home. Well, this thing had to be disassembled yet so that was done after work. I thought it was a "load it up and let's go." So I am waiting at the house for him to come get me.

 

Sewer lines still have issues as my shower caused water to back up into tub in the other bathroom! He was putting something down toilet before leaving so it could sit undisturbed over the weekend to do its job on tree roots. This did a baking soda/vinegar reaction and foamed up over the toilet spilling out all over the bathroom floor.

 

It was at least noon before we left for home, needing to make a quick stop for milk on the way. I was telling him something as we were pulling out of the drive. We didn't even get one house away, and he was interrupting to "point something out" that he had seen. I went into silent mode. A few miles down the road he's asking what's wrong and saying that he feels like we should each pick the house we want to stay in and stay in separate houses! That is just how bad the week had been! I said, "No, that would be the worse thing for us. What you need to do is to say you're sorry for interrupting me yesterday, and say you're sorry that guy was so rude to me yesterday." And then I addressed that morning's interruption.

 

A few miles down the road, he did apologize for all of those, and he asked why I didn't tell him sooner what he needed to do. When he prayed the night before, it helped. I am still getting used to the idea that I deserve to have an apology when I am treated like that. We're coming up on 32 years of his treating me like that, and his mother does it too. The "quiet little girl" got used to "shutting up" so everyone else could talk and say the things which were of greater importance than anything she could ever come up with to say.

 

For instance, Saturday's interruption was "Was that two birds?" I have no idea what I was even talking about. I did not finish it. I don't know what he was talking about either because I didn't see whatever it was. I didn't even look to see. I was too upset about being "shut up" again to even care about anything around.

 

We got home about 2pm with our niece's wedding to go to at 4. I needed to be there early to set up for videotaping the wedding. We got home, I gave 4 haircuts, and was getting ready when J came in (he was 1 of the haircuts) to get ready. He asked if I could find his clothes. No! I'm getting myself ready to go. We made it there about 3:40. I was surprised.

 

#2 daughter could not go to the reception as she had to go to attend a concert at school for class credit. She left for home shortly before we left the church to go to the reception hall in another town .... the opposite direction of home. When we got there, I checked my phone which was still on silent from the wedding and saw that she had called. She was locked out of the house since she did not have her keys as she was driving J's car instead of hers. So my girl with the broken wrist is having to break into her own house. She did manage to get in. Fortunately for her someone had not locked all the windows. She did have to remove the screen to get to the window though.

 

We did not stay for all of the reception. J had been up since 4. We are not dancers, and the dance time had started. We were all ready to leave. I used to like weddings, but I have a hard time with them now. I told J that I guess I just don't believe in the vows anymore. They don't mean anything. #3 daughter and I had attended one that I think was right before discovery. I remember wanting him to go with me as I thought weddings were very romantic. He had no interest in going and was kind of hateful about it. It was, in fact, an accurate representation of his feelings toward me at that point in time.

 

Well, our enemy doesn't win. We both recognize the stress of the week, and strive to hold on closer rather than "separate housing." Yesterday was better.

 

With daughter's doctor appointment in the morning, we are not going to other house today. That gives me time today to get the shopping done that didn't happen over the weekend. I feel a little less stressed right now. Hopefully, #2 daughter will be through with my computer so I can take it rather than having to use J's.

 

I know we must be doing something right because it seems the enemy pulled out all the stops this last week. But GOD is greater and gives us strength and courage to be victorious overcomers.

[4evrHZdtr3]

I'm glad you have this outlet.. and I am sorry it has been a rough week...and I do see growth in you.. Sometimes our growth come in the most unexpected ways...

 

Today I launched a real suicide rocket of words against my soon-to be ex husband. I let myself get all riled up because he smiled at me and politely said: "How are you?" when we met at the bank to sign papers giving away our timeshare... the one timeshare I had really hoped to keep and he knew that. Asking how are you when he should know how I am when he's living with another woman, and never takes any time to see our daughter...

 

Anyway after I let a few choice words fly, he got upset and said: "That's irrational"

 

Believe me, the words were ugly (on my part) and the feelings afterwards even uglier..

But guess what God did with that??

 

He let me see just how 'irrational' my feelings and words were... in other words they were "not logical or reasonable"- and guess what? They didn't have to be because they were my feelings! And feelings are not logical....

 

You've had a really hard week.. you held your ground and you stood up for yourself.. and though you didn't get the results you had hoped for or expected, you grew stronger and you loved yourself... I say "Bravo!"

[1love]

Thank you 4evr. I too am very glad and grateful to have this outlet. It's good to have a place to unload and get input.

 

I am so sorry you are having to go through the troubles in your marriage. Life shouldn't be that way. At our niece's reception, they had a slide show playing. Due to where I was sitting (right under the screen) I didn't see it all, but one slide had a saying on it. I don't remember all of it, but it ended with "a fairy tale." My thoughts were something like, "Yeah. The idea of a happy marriage is just a fairy tale. Good luck! The reality is a lot of pain."

 

I am generally a very optimistic person. I do not believe in "luck." God is my reality. If everything of my existence only included God and me, it would be great ... to some extent. Even God saw that "man" needed other interaction. Therefore, part of my existence also includes interaction with other people, and just like we have free choice with our relationship with God, we have free choice with our relationships with each other. Enter the self-centered enemy's ideas and troubles.

 

It would be nice if I could make those around me say and do "what I want." It would be nice if you could "wake your husband up to see reality" and "do what you want." I guess that is the fairy tale part. But really, even God didn't want that, which is why He created us... in all of our need for Him! Saturday morning (if that is what you call 5am) I went back to sleep telling God that I just wanted to go home and be with Him. I was tired of all the junk. I also told Him that I knew He wasn't finished with me here so He and I continue on together.

 

I was reminded of Paul's words in Philippians 1:21: For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

 

I live in Him and because of Him.

 

I don't want that "fairy tale" life. It is not real. As much as the "growing pains" hurt, those pains are what shape and mold us into who we are. If we will allow Him, He can use the junk of others to make something beautiful out of us. So my reality is that my husband is my "knight in shining armor." It shines because He keeps polishing it over and over again so it sparkles. Yeah, it has some dings from the battles, but He keeps shining!

 

I have always told our children that it doesn't matter what others do to us; it matters what we do in response to what they do. That is what we will have to give an account of before God. So I take all the garbage and give it to my Trashman, and He takes it away and leaves the empty trash barrel to receive the trash for the next pickup time. Wow! I've never thought of God as my "Trashman" before.

 

I guess I was a bit aprehensive about last night. J really was not planning on coming home as he really likes that 15 minute drive to work. I'm not going up until today. That was going to have him at the house by himself. He has not given me any reason to think that he would not be by himself, but the uneasy thought was there.

 

So, J, thank you for coming home last night. I know you worked late and were tired. I know it will make for a very long day for you today. Thank you for coming home. I know the reason you came home was to pack for your campout this weekend. I know that "need" was the message I relayed to you. Thank you. Thank you for being my "knight in shining armor!"

[4evrHZdtr3]

You know, as little girls- and all of our lives- we are made to believe in the whole "fairy tale, happily ever after" thing that really isn't true. A part of what you are experiencing is the disappointment that comes when reality hits- we just have to be careful to not become bitter and unbelieving.

 

What I am learning is the outrageously happy part is when you are in relationship with someone (husband/wife, brother/sister. mother/daughter, etc... who is able to be real with you and vice versa.. who loves you unconditionally no matter the honest mistakes (not porn, unfaithfulness, etc.) you make, when you allow someone into your heart and they allow you into theirs.. that is where the magic and joy happens.

 

It's in the process...

 

This morning Marissa and I exchanged some angry words and after I dropped her off at school and I stopped to pray about it... God showed me that it was as simple as we both had some important emotional needs and neither one of us did a really good job of identifying that .. so we were clashing instead of sharing and forging an agreement.

 

I am excited for the time when I will get to see her later today because even though she did some hurtful things and still doesn't really fully see what she did, I have learned the part that I did and it matches with things she has been trying to tell me.. so I know that what was meant to divide us is going to bring us closer. And that's the real fairy tale.

 

You are doing a good job. You have a big job and a big family! You are going to come out on the other end smelling like roses!

[MaryJane]

This is all such good stuff!

[1love]

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I don't think bitterness is a very big issue with me; I have always refused that emotion. Although, yes, there are times it tries to creep in. This episode of my life is probably the hardest battle I have had with bitterness. The unbelieving may just be a different story though. I will admit that I still have a part of my mind that sees most every male (there are a few exceptions) as the "calculating sex maniac" that is out to "use" whoever he can get his hands on. Unfortunately, there are females out there that believe these males care about them. And all the males are wanting is a body to use.

 

It is so sick what the enemy has done to the beautiful things that God has given us! Lord, help me to see and experience the beauty of your gifts. Help me to focus on the fact that they are from YOU and something to be desired and enjoyed.

 

This has been a challenging week so far....and I thought it was going to be easier! HA!

 

The doctor's assistant report on our daughter is that she does not have a fracture. Praise God! He didn't know why the x-ray was read that way. She does have a chipped bone, however. We went to Wal-Mart and got a wrist brace and Alieve as ibuprofin was not working for her. She could play in her concert that night but don't overdo it. If it is not better in a couple of weeks, we could call for an appointment, but he didn't anticipate the need for that. She can do therapy if needed.

 

So I stayed to go to her concert which lasted all of 13 minutes. Her chamber orchestra did really well, and I am glad it worked out that she could play, and that I could go. Her instructor told her not to play anymore for the rest of the semester. She is going to go to bat for her with the department head to get a couple of things postponed until the fall semester so that she isn't forced to abandon her music major and settle for a music minor.

 

After the concert, we came up to the new house....in the pouring rain. We got in about 10pm. #2 son came with us so he could take the van back home along with #4 & 5 sons. They have a campout this weekend and need the van for packing in. They will be back up tomorrow to get J. Not sure if #3 son will be able to take off work to go with them or not.

 

That left #3 daughter and me at the house by ourselves with no transportation. It was a somewhat productive day as we got the most of the kitchen in order (until we get the stove in that is) for now.

 

J worked really late. He has been working late all week as he has a guy in from out of state working on some project. This guy wants to get the job done so works late. Last night took the cake though. Daughter and I were both wondering why we were here. And this house is supposed to provide more family time????!!!!!! I already know now that next week will be the same as they are doing the second machine. It should be better after that.

 

We took him to work this morning. So we have the car and can get the things that he was not able to get at 11:30 last night because all the stores were closed. I did tell him that I wouldn't be getting out at 11 tonight to go get him. Right now I don't know what time he will be through. We are going shopping! That always makes everything better doesn't it?! Just kidding!

[MaryJane]

You go girl!

[1love]

What a shopping day! We were gone 4-5 hours. I found several things for the kitchen. When we got back to the house, I think we were both exhausted but had all this new stuff to get washed up and put into use.

 

After washing everything, I made lasagna (in the roaster oven!) for supper. She and I enjoyed a quiet supper. After cleanup was done, I started filling the containers I had purchased.

 

J called about 9:15 for us to go pick him up. All I can say is that at least it wasn't 11!

 

I have seen him very run down many times. This morning, I think, tops them all. I wondered if I should drive him to work not that I would have the car but that he would make it there. He did drive himself. This is crazy! It also reminds me way too much of the former job. Everything for the job. Nothing left for the family. Deadlines to meet. Working around other people's schedules. HELLO!!!!! We are here too!

 

#3 son was able to get off today so ALL the guys (except #1 son) are going on the campout....assuming they can pull J away from work. Our other 2 daughters are coming up with the guys, and we will start our traditional "girls' party" here tonight. We will leave after breakfast, and make a "quick stop" at the shopping mall for an exchange of damaged merchandise from yesterday. Then we are going to attempt to find an out of the way fabric store I have heard about. Hopefully I can find suitable fabric for the boys' room curtains. Then home.

 

I told J this morning that I don't like the way this week has been. He doesn't either and doesn't see that next week will be any better. That doesn't give me much to go on here.

 

I am really feeling like I should just stay home next week. It would save on the gas as we all have dentist appointments on Wednesday that we need to go home for anyway. #2 son took a follow-up dental appointment in May on a day that is not the best just because he didn't know if he would have transportation to go on Tuesday. If I was home, he could go...if it is still available.

 

Another feeling I have about it all is that there is no way that I am going to have J staying here by himself. Even if it is 11:30 at night that he comes in, I know who he is coming "home" to, and that is ME!

 

When we are able to spend our time together, I feel good. I feel loved and cared for. When I am on the back burner for the job, all that flies out the window. I "know" he won't go back there. But I "knew" he would never go there in the first place. So my "knowledge" apparently isn't reliable. How do I "demand" that he leave work at a certain time? How do I say that it doesn't matter if the out-of-state guy wants to work late and get the job done so he can go home or to the next job or whatever? A rough count has about 60 hours in this week before Friday! Enough is enough! I am through with sitting back and letting my husband be the "knight in shining armor" for the company and the "slayer" of our family and myself.

[Looney_Tunes]

You say exactly what you just said here, and tell him he needs to make a choice. End of discussion. If he fell over with a heart attack tomorrow, the company would go on just fine without him. No one is that indespensible - except to his family.

[1love]

Looney, you have no idea how powerful your words are. 10 1/2 years ago he did "fall over" with a heart attack. Reportedly that is when he started down the destructive road he went down. He didn't know how much time he had left, and he wasn't happy. If he would have only seen then what he sees now.

 

Yesterday morning he commented about these two weeks ending up on the same pay period. I said that it makes for a good check. His response: It's not worth it. Finally, he sees that it is not "all about the paycheck." It didn't seem to matter though when it got down to quitting time. He had texted that he hoped to get out around 4 or 5.

 

The children were going to be here around 5:30 at the earliest. I requested he take off at 4 to spend some time with me before leaving for the campout. He called at 5:30 saying he just left, and he still needed to go get milk. I had very mixed feelings about his making that stop for me. I wanted him to skip it and be with me, but we had no milk in the house. We get fresh milk from a local farmer, and I was planning on a different route home today. I really needed for him to make that stop, and he did. Thank you J!

 

As it turned out, he was here before either of the two vehicles which were coming from home. I had supper mostly ready by the time they all got here. My thought was to feed them so they wouldn't have to fix supper when they got to camp knowing that it would be late when they got there. I don't know what happened.

 

If everyone had been here even by 6, they should have easily been to camp by 9 if I am remembering correctly that it is 2 1/2 hours away. They weren't all here though. I don't remember what time they left. It seemed they weren't in a hurry. I told them I wasn't trying to be mean, but they needed to leave. It was around 11:20 before they got there. All I have to say is that I am glad I had computer access to be able to look at a map and give them directions. And he even apologized without my mentioning it for being snippy with me on the phone in his frustration of not being able to find the place. Thank you J!

 

Their campouts have always been kind of bittersweet for me. I didn't want to be apart, yet I knew he needed to spend this special time with the boys. He needed to be a part of their lives. They have come back from campouts with some really good stories. I think the greatest would be one they went on June of last year (I think). J and I think #2 son had the honor of praying with #4 and 5 sons when the received the baptism in the Holy Spirit. They were all really excited about that and called me that night to let me know. I was very pleased, to say the least. So I give up being with J 3-5 weekends a year in order for him to pour into our sons' lives like this.

 

And the girls and I have our "girls' party" usually consisting of brownies and movies. Last night it was chocolate chip cookies and movies. And today it is some quick shopping on our way home for my college girls to get back to their books.

 

I'm looking forward to some really long hugs Sunday night. Last evening's were far too short!

[MaryJane]

OK. Sunday night is LO-O-O-O--N-N-N-N-NG-G-G-G HUG NIGHT!!!!!

 

(Just a reminder for J.)

[1love]

What a bummer. I had been on here a couple of nights ago. I was trying to preview my post before posting and lost connection. I was too busy yesterday to get back on and post it. Now, here I am, and I see that it had not saved what I had the other night. Oh well, as my brother says, life goes on!

 

I thought about getting on here at 5 this morning but didn't know what I would say. I still don't necessarily trust my words. I am very bummed out right now.

 

With the exception of Wednesday night, J has not had to work excessively late, which is a good thing. Wednesday, however, was a very long day for us as the kids and I had dental appointments at home. It would have been nice to spend a little time at home before coming back up. Of course, we saw #2 son coming and going. As it was, we were getting ready to pull out when #2 daughter got home from school. We waited for her to get out of her car so we could say "hi." After we had gone about 3 miles on the interstate, we saw #3 son on the frontage road on his way home from work. We got to our second home in time to get supper ready and the yard mowed....and eat alone!

 

It was about midnight when J got home. We had a good night! We had good snuggle time in the morning. He got home at a decent time last night (supper just about ready), and good HSKC upon his arrival. It all went south from there.

 

I won't go into all the nitpicky things I could say. The big thing is after we finished eating, I suggested we have our devotion time (as we used to do not that long ago, but it seems to have fallen by the wayside) before he got into whatever he was thinking of doing. We could do devotions then he would be free to do his thing while we did the dishes.

 

He got up and said he was going to lie down awhile. We did the dishes. He was on the computer. I don't know when he had gotten up. Here is what I felt like doing: If God's Word isn't worth our time to be in ourselves or to teach our children, why do we have it? I felt like throwing my Bible in the garbage can for demonstration purposes only. I, of course, refrained from doing that. I cannot throw God away.

 

I also couldn't let our children go without. It was a really good devotion time.....just the kids and me.....J on his blasted computer in another room! I do trust that he was not where he shouldn't be. The point is that he was not where he should have been....in the Word with us. What is really cool is that on Wednesday God had given me Joel 2 to share with the kids as we traveled. Last night, He gave me Acts 2. As I was reading it, I had to stop in awe of Him. Acts 2 refers to Joel 2! God is so cool! Awesome Bible time. It's too bad the computer was more important.

 

Then I'm the bad guy because when he questioned if I was mad at him, I said I was disappointed. It was shaping up to be a very sad, lonely night. I finally decided to get on the call. I didn't know if I would say anything, or even have opportunity to say anything, or just listen. I wasn't going to put it on speaker phone, but did after J got up for a little bit.

 

What little of the call I was on, last 15 - 20 minutes, was just what God knew I needed. I didn't need to say anything. It really was like Joel knew what was going on in my little world and was speaking straight to me. I don't know if J caught much if any as he was out of the room for some of it. He should still have been able to hear it though.

 

My take home from the call was you can tell if a guy is serious about the marriage or not by how in to "doing the program" he is. Does he initiate the different aspects or do you have to remind him and drag it out of his disgruntled self.

 

So what is it J? Calls? Forum? Bible study? Books? DVDs? Do you initiate? Do I have to force the issue? Where is your heart?

 

I know you apologized last night for disappointing me. I know you apologized for last night on the phone awhile ago. I accept your apologies and forgive you. But where is your heart? I don't think you understand how big this is to me. This behavior makes me very uneasy. Especially when you ask, as you did last night, when I was going home. With the way last night was, this was my initial thought: why do you want to know? so you can make other arrangements? I didn't verbalize that thought, but it was sure hard to bite my tongue on it. I sat and watched you back away from God little by little. I didn't say anything. Look where it got us! I'm not going there again!

 

You told me you know you shouldn't be bothered when #3 daughter brings your Bible to you and asks about Bible study. But you are. Why are you? Why are you too tired to bring God's Word to our family but not too tired to get on the computer?

 

I'm not going back to Egypt. I will be in your face if I feel at all like ANYTHING is more important to you than God. That includes me and making love! If you can't handle that, let me know now!

 

Another take home from the call is this: If the husband is doing what he shouldn't be doing OR is NOT doing what he SHOULD be doing, the wife should not hold back from responding to that.

 

If you liked the lovemaking on Wednesday night, consider how you have been treating me. If you didn't like the way things were going last night, I know I didn't, consider how you were behaving. Focus out and think of me. Think of our children. Quit thinking about YOU! Let us think about YOU. If you let us think about you, then it will be good thoughts. I guarantee you that I will be thinking of you either way. Do you want me to think good thoughts about you or troubled thoughts?

[4evrHZdtr3]

Another take home from the call is this: If the husband is doing what he shouldn't be doing OR is NOT doing what he SHOULD be doing, the wife should not hold back from responding to that.

 

If you liked the lovemaking on Wednesday night, consider how you have been treating me. If you didn't like the way things were going last night, I know I didn't, consider how you were behaving. Focus out and think of me. Think of our children. Quit thinking about YOU! Let us think about YOU. If you let us think about you, then it will be good thoughts. I guarantee you that I will be thinking of you either way. Do you want me to think good thoughts about you or troubled thoughts?

 

I am really sorry this is happening! But you really have described this well. The only thing I might add is that there has to be a tangible consequence. What would work?

[1love]

Thank you, 4evr. Last night went a bit better. The kids and I were walking out the door to go to the park when J called and said that he would be home in a minute or two. He had worked about 2-1/2 hours late without a call. Knowing the work situation I ASSUMED that he was working late but had not been contacted until he was almost home. It seems to me that a call or text to let me know what was going on would certainly have been in order.

 

We waited for him to get here and invited him to go with us. He wanted to go in and rest. I can appreciate that. He had just put in about a 15 hour day.

 

When we got back....you got it....on the computer. He has been trying to get more space on it and not understanding why there isn't space. He did join the rest of us while the kids watched a video tape, and then we did our devotions together.

 

He has to work today, otherwise we would all have gone HOME yesterday. Kids and I are leaving right after breakfast as we have a mother/daughter tea at church at noon.

 

Let me throw this out for thought. Thursday night he told me in a non-emotional, just so you know way that he had deleted an instant messenger file off his computer. He had not come across it before when deleting the filth. This file had school related conversations on it from when he had gone back to school 4 years ago. But it also had garbage conversations in it. He said he didn't go all through it. When he saw what was there, he just deleted the whole file.

 

He just called while I have been on here to let me know he had made it to work. I questioned if he had read any of those messages before deleting the file or just saw there was unwanted junk and deleted. He had read enough to know that he didn't want to know who that person was and deleted the file. I don't know if the person he doesn't want to know means the other person in the conversation or husband #2! I didn't ask, but my guess would be that it would be both.

 

My question for thought: Is discovering this garbage from the past what has caused the current rift? When I suggested that idea to J, he laid it all to the hours he has been working. He didn't comment on the possible validity in my suggestion. It makes sense to me anyway. Everything is great Thursday morning. Everything is great when he gets home Thursday evening. He rejects devotion time for a short nap. He gets on computer. He finds garbage file. We have problems.

 

The really crappy thing about the timing of all of this is that our anniversary is next Thursday. The tension has to go in Jesus' name!

 

As far as tangible consequences, I have no ideas at the moment. I am open to suggestions.

 

Last night he apologized for causing me to be disappointed in him. He said he would try to do better. OK, but don't just "try"; do it. Make a firm resolve to be committed to doing it. Do the things of this program that cause growth to happen. Anything worth having is worth WORKING for. It will take WORK! It is not a sunny, Sunday afternoon stroll in the park. I accept the apologies, I forgive, I hang onto and expect the doing better, but something didn't seem quite right. I think I figured it out.

 

It seemed so much like, "Mommy, I'm sorry I didn't get it right. I'll try to get it right from now on."

 

J, I am not your mother. I love your mother, you know that, but I would not want to be her for all the tea in China. If I was your mother, I could not be your wife. If I was your mother, I could not be your lover. If I was your mother, I could not be the mother of your children. If I was your mother, we could not share any of the things that we share.

 

I desire to be your wife. I desire to be your lover. I desire to work side by side with you as we do God's work that He has for us to do. I desire (and very much need) for you to be the source of life and strength for me.

 

I guess I just need to go with what I am feeling now. I don't know what you read in that trash. It doesn't matter what was there. You have told me many times that that man (and excuse me, but he was not a man at all) is gone. He is dead. He is never coming back. So I tell you now, let/make him stay in his grave which is the pits of hell. Don't allow him to come back and pull you down. I can only hope that you are repulsed by what you read. As repulsed as I was with the whole ordeal. It is through that repulsion that determination to not go back comes. It is through that repulsion that awe in our amazing God comes.

 

I remember giving you a word from God when #1 daughter was in the hospital. I didn't at all understand it at the time, but I surely do now. I gave you that word and added my own at the end. In closing this post, I repeat it with more intensity than I had then:

 

GOD loves you, and so do I!

[Looney_Tunes]

The consequence seems fairly obvious to me - pull the computer. I'm not getting the impression that it is something he absolutely must have for work, and that is the thing that he is allowing to pull him away from you and the kids.

 

And yes, you will come across as mean Mommy in this case, but remember that that is his perception because of his mother/son issues. It's not the truth. The truth is that you are being a good helpmeet by regulating something that is pulling him away from God. When he develops the ability to regulate it himself, you won't need to.

 

The simplest way to do that is to remove the power cord and hide it somewhere. That way the computer is available to you during the day if you need it. And I wouldn't warn him that you're going to do it, although he'll obviously figure it out if he reads this. Just do it, and tell him as calmly as you can that you are not willing to allow a computer to come between you. Be prepared for him to be angry, and decide ahead of time how you are going to handle that - leave the house, keep yourself busy downstairs, etc. Whatever it takes so that you don't cave in order to feel safe in the moment.

[4evrHZdtr3]

When we got back....you got it....on the computer. He has been trying to get more space on it and not understanding why there isn't space. He did join the rest of us while the kids watched a video tape, and then we did our devotions together.

 

With his history, this is NOT acceptable, because ALL of his actions should be matching his words to build trust and integrity. Even if he got on it for an innocent reason and even if he did nothing wrong while on the computer. He should be cherishing and valuing and building connection with you. Did he know that you had waited for him? Even if he didn't know that, he said he wanted to rest and declined family time so that he could rest. Then he shouldn't have been on the computer. As a matter of integrity and demonstration of love.

 

Also, you can rest on a park bench even if you have put in a fifteen hour day. Seems to me that he is building a pattern of choosing himself again. And because you are trying so hard to be loving and understanding you are accepting it . Before I left my husband I used to regularly put in sixteen hour days because I operated a large family childcare in our home. Cooking, cleaning, diapering, training, educating... for as many as thirteen children at a time. He was a truck driver and was home and available two or three nights a week. On those nights everything stopped- no matter how tired I was or how hard the day had gone. We cooked together, watched TV together, etc..

 

Let me throw this out for thought. Thursday night he told me in a non-emotional, just so you know way that he had deleted an instant messenger file off his computer. He had not come across it before when deleting the filth. This file had school related conversations on it from when he had gone back to school 4 years ago. But it also had garbage conversations in it. He said he didn't go all through it. When he saw what was there, he just deleted the whole file.

 

He should NOT be deleting anything without you first seeing it. Do you know how to read the history in a computer. ANYTHING taken or added from that computer should be a joint venture.

 

He just called while I have been on here to let me know he had made it to work. I questioned if he had read any of those messages before deleting the file or just saw there was unwanted junk and deleted. He had read enough to know that he didn't want to know who that person was and deleted the file. I don't know if the person he doesn't want to know means the other person in the conversation or husband #2! I didn't ask, but my guess would be that it would be both.

 

Can you see how him having knowledge that you don't have is putting a rift between you two. Which is why it should be done together.

 

My question for thought: Is discovering this garbage from the past what has caused the current rift? Maybe, but trust your gut feelings.. not your fears.. we women can learn to know the difference. Sometimes it's hard, but we can do it.

 

When I suggested that idea to J, he laid it all to the hours he has been working. One good way to approach this is to say something like "I am feeling a big disconnect between us. I need to feel closer and more confident that you are being faithful. When you don't call me, aren't resting as you said you would be, erase files that I had no knowledge of etc.. I feel alone or ..." (Remember faithfulness is not just staying away from other women, chats etc.. Faithfulness is matching words and actions). This way you are pointing out his wrongdoings in reference to how they make you feel and it makes it harder for him to point to work hours as a catch all excuse.

 

He didn't comment on the possible validity in my suggestion. This is where you have to nicely re-direct the answer. I'm sorry, but I didn't hear your answer to________________."

 

 

The really crappy thing about the timing of all of this is that our anniversary is next Thursday. The tension has to go in Jesus' name! I'm sorry! And I agree with you. Ask God to show you practical words and responses that can help push this thing out of the picture.

 

As far as tangible consequences, I have no ideas at the moment. I am open to suggestions. Change the password on the computer. He doesn't use it when you aren't home or in a room where there are no other people.

 

Last night he apologized for causing me to be disappointed in him. He said he would try to do better. As you have already described below, you are not his mother. This is not about his apology for how he feels bad ... but an apology for how his actions hurt YOU. Time for him to re-focus.

 

OK, but don't just "try"; do it. You got this one right.

 

It seemed so much like, "Mommy, I'm sorry I didn't get it right. I'll try to get it right from now on." Exactly...

 

Don't allow him to come back and pull you down. Your responses and consequences are the anchor that help keep him grounded so this doesn't happen. I can only hope that you are repulsed by what you read. As repulsed as I was with the whole ordeal. It is through that repulsion that determination to not go back comes. It is through that repulsion that awe in our amazing God comes. This is true for women, not men. It can become true for him later on down the road. He is not yet to the place where he feels or connects these dots.

[1love]

Thank you, Looney and 4evr. I am going to have to process all of this. I don't have much time at the moment to stay on here. I wanted to let you know I read your posts. And, yes, I'm sure J will see it too. Reading my thread is the one thing he keeps up on. That is why I address some things directly to him here rather than on his thread.

 

Today turned out to be a 10 hour work day for him. That doesn't leave much of a weekend to spend with family.

 

I did tell him awhile ago that I needed him to spend some time with me as I am starved for attention. I think we are going shopping for car parts in a bit.

 

4evr, we have "daydreamed" about doing the cooking together. We have done it some, and it is fun. It just doesn't happen very often. I usually try to have supper ready when he gets home. Lately it's been too much of the kids and I having already eaten and cleaned up everything but his dishes by the time he gets home. Even if we could just do the clean-up together, at least it would be something! I will say that at least our children are learning to get in and work together on fixing meals and cleaning up afterwards. We usually work as a team on this front anyway.

[1love]

Well, the shopping never took place. He did a lot of online looking at parts for various things that need to be fixed. I waited....and waited. I gave up on the idea of going anywhere. I got on the call to listen while sitting in bed.

 

J finally came to bed and said we could talk if I got off the call.... and rolled over.

 

After Joel was winding down with the couple he was helping, I hung up....even though I had told J that maybe we needed to get some help. He had not responded to that.

 

I don't remember how the conversation started, but I said something about the computer time and my having told him that I needed for him to spend some time with me.

 

I then became the bad guy for "chewing him up and spitting him out." There was a misunderstanding apparently on my part when he said something about going up to the other house and staying there. I thought he meant for just him to go. He said he meant for both of us to go...he was thinking I was frustrated with the kids lack of cooperation on keeping this house cleaned up (mainly dishes done). My frustration (this weekend anyway) was not with the kids; it is all from feeling like I am at the bottom of the barrel in his world.

 

He finally said that I should just throw him out with the trash. That is when I called back in on the call. All I brought up was the computer time. He wouldn't say anything. I was so frustrated about all of this that I didn't mention anything about the conversation.

 

Joel suggested to give him a pass for the night, but that he was to apologize in the morning and make sure I have a very good day today. OK

 

Morning came. After awhile, I asked him about Joel's instructions. What? Well, what are you supposed to do when you hurt someone? He said he had apologized last night. Well, last night he had said that he should not have said what he said. That, to me, is not apologizing. Finally at church this morning, he did give me a proper apology and things are sort of on the mend.

[MaryJane]

I heard you on the call last night, 1love. I felt sorry for you when your husband wouldn't get on the call. I know how that feels -- like he doesn't care about the marriage after all. That it's all about his feelings. He's hurt because YOU feel hurt.

 

The calls are for getting these hurtful misunderstandings and such like, cleared up. It's much easier for a third party (like a moderator) to see what the problem is and come up with a simple solution, than for the two people involved, to see "the forest for the trees". At least until the couple have come a long way in their restoration.

 

Anyway, I hope the mending process keeps going until you are both truly happy!

 

May you both continue to allow the Holy Spirit to do His work in and around and all over your relationship. Amen!

[4evrHZdtr3]

I'm glad there's a little bit of forward movement! Has he been reading this thread? It could help him- if he would not take offense and realize we all have to learn and keep on learning....

[1love]

I had this ready to post yesterday, but then was not able to get it posted. I'm glad it was saved!

 

Thank you MJ and 4evr. Yes, when he wouldn't get on the call it felt very much like he didn't care at all.

 

Here is how misperceptions work: what I saw with my eyes was his getting up out of bed, going downstairs for awhile, bringing his duffle bag up, plopping it somewhat harshly down on the bed, shaving and getting dressed. My perception at first was that he was leaving the room to get away from the call; then with the appearance of the duffle bag that he was packing to leave. What it actually turned out to be was that he was getting his medicine box out and putting it in at the sink. Apparently he had not yet taken it that night.

 

All of his "emotions" and "behavior" dictated what my mind was seeing. How so important it is that our ACTIONS do not mislead someone else. The saying is so true that "actions speak louder than words."

 

This, of course, was going on while I was on the call trying to get him to speak up. At one point, I thought I was going to have to tell Joel that J was packing his bag. Thank the Lord that my initial perception was incorrect. Nonetheless, his actions put many uneasy feelings on top of all the other trouble.

 

Yes, he does read my thread. In fact, one "excuse" for not posting on his thread is that it is "all he can do" to keep up with reading mine. He figured out I was posting yesterday when I closed the screen down when he came by me to see what I was doing. Later, he questioned if he should "get on to see what I said about him."

 

What is so hard about seeing that ALL of us (everyone here on the forum, all the moderators on the calls, J, and myself) want the same thing? That is, of course, an OHM for us (and all couples)! Why is it so hard for people to see that they can't do everything by themselves? Why is it so hard to ask for help? Yes, it is sometimes hard to see "the forest for the trees."

 

He is working today and tomorrow and then is off the rest of the week. We decided to leave all the kids at home for the week (has to be some good from #2 son being at home!), and we came up to our "work home" (sounds better than "homework!") last night. He was having to go in at 5 this morning, so it was either get in about midnight last night or get up at 3 this morning. Neither option was very enticing. I guess we will go home after he gets off tomorrow.

 

His prayer (and mine) is to break through all the hindrances and attacks to be able to have a very good anniversary week. He prayed for God to really bless my time with Him. Here is what He gave me today from Isaiah 7:4-7: ...Take heed, and be quiet; fear not, neither be faint-hearted for the two tails of these smoking firebrands,.....have taken evil counsel against thee, saying, Let us go up against Judah, and vex it, and let us make a breach therein for us,....Thus saith the Lord God, IT SHALL NOT STAND, NEITHER SHALL IT COME TO PASS. (emphasis mine)

 

WOW! I have felt that all of the conflict was, of course, from our enemy, but to have God show me in His precious Word! To have Him show me the enemy's plan of attack. Most importantly, to have Him show me the final result! God is SOOOOOO AWESOME!!!!!!!!

 

I think it was listening on the call the other night that it was said how (my paraphrase) after everything is "smoothed over" and the husband is all OK with everything that it takes the wife maybe 3 days to come out of the pit that she had been pushed into. So everything is OK, but she is not fulling feeling that yet. I think that is maybe where I am right now.

[1love]

Here's the latest. J's vacation apparently has not been approved. If the machine is not running, there is no vacation. Unfortunately, this kind of hinges on the out-of-state guy who is still working on the first machine. At least they have changed plans and will wait a couple of weeks after the first one is running before starting on the second.

 

Where does that leave us? Staying here tonight, his going in to work in the morning for a little while, taking off to go home for his dental appointment, and then coming back up here to work the rest of the day. As far as our anniversary on Thursday????? I guess it depends on that machine!

 

It is too quiet around here without the children! Too many hours of alone time with his working late. I have plenty to do. I am starching and pressing 6 uniforms for all of my guys to wear at our 2 youngest sons' GMA ceremony on the 19th. Hopefully I will have that done today. Yesterday I was able to pick up my sewing machine from its tuneup, so I can start making curtains after uniforms. Then there is my crosstitch that I brought up this time.

 

Plenty to do, and all I want to do is spend time with J! And he isn't here. Happy anniversary J!

 

Yesterday I had driven him to work so I would have the car to be able to pick up my sewing machine on the chance that it would be done. Therefore, I needed to go pick him up. He called about 7:30 saying that he was ready to go. It was almost 8 before I finished what I was doing to leave on that 15 minute drive to get him. He was glad I hadn't left right away because he got tied up in something else.

 

We got home, and I was getting supper out (leftovers! glad they were there) and ready. He did a small repair on the lawn mower, and pulled out the computer! Why???? Well, he didn't know why. He did put it aside without turning it on as supper was all but ready to sit down to. As soon as he finished eating though, here it comes. He was sitting right next to me at the kitchen counter where we ate.

 

I had questioned what he was getting on for. He suggested to see if I posted anything, but then remembered I had told him about not being able to post. Is the computer just another "addictive habit?" He did get off long enough to help me with some of the dishes. Thank you J! It was "fun" (if doing dishes can be fun) working together. Then back to the computer.

 

I finished the cleanup and went to the bedroom and sat. Probably 10 minutes or so later, he shut it down and came in. Not much snuggling because we were both worn out from the previous short night and the long day.

 

He had thought he would go in early today (5 or 5:30) but snuggling was more enticing. He was there by 6....and they were calling him on his way! I told him again this morning of my need for him to spend some quality time with me.

 

Here's a question concerning deleting computer files. This file he deleted last week was not one that he knew was there. He thought he had the computer cleaned up. If I understand correctly, he read just enough to realize that it was husband #2's garbage and got rid of it. He didn't want to read it, and he didn't want me to read it. Should I really mind that he got rid of it without showing me what poison was in it? I do understand the deleting things together.

 

I remember going back and reading other things that he had thought he had gotten rid of. It showed me a sinful picture of how depraved the sinful man can be. I have no idea what conversations were held in this deleted file. It was between a man that doesn't exist anymore and someone that I don't care to know. Would knowing the content of these conversations help or hurt me/us at this point in time? Trust me, there is part of me that wants to know. Another part of me screams out to let it go. Is this coming up at this particular time part of what God showed me yesterday in Isaiah 7? Something to "vex" and "make a breach?"

 

I dreamed last night that J was having contact with someone. I think that dream was because of the deleted file. Actually, I even have a name to go with it, which seems strange to me. I guess it shouldn't seem strange because God woke me up from a nap with a name before. This was before going to the intensive. He said that there was no one by that name. At the intensive, I got a different story, and there was someone by that name.

 

I asked him this morning if he was having any form of contact with anyone (I did not say the name), and he assured me that he wasn't.

 

Well, I think I am going to get off of here and go hide a computer....or two. Mine will have to go too.

[4evrHZdtr3]

Very cool about the Isaiah Scripture!

 

With so much going on. I think you have to sometimes just stop and go "do-over"... I'm talking about when there is spiritual confusion so you don't really know if what you are hearing is the enemy or God uncovering something. I just stop and say something like:'I commit this all to you. I put it under the Blood and I thank You, Lord that what needs to come to the light will come to the light... because if it is God, then he will continue to show you in new or repeated ways.

 

Also, as for the deleting. I think it is different for every couple. The point is that it has to be what you both decide on together. If I remember right, he had some actions that were not matching his words and then there was 'the file' that was deleted without your participation. Personally that just made me feel a little uncomfortable, but I don't know him as you do!

[1love]

Thank you 4evr. I'm sure that deleting the file without my seeing it was to save me from the poison. He did voluteer the information that he had deleted it, or I would have never known about it.

 

Last night was really crazy. I had called to see what time to expect home and planned my schedule accordingly....shower, dressed for the night, candlelight dinner, all other dishes washed. He had said he would be home between 7 & 7:30. He called about 7:15 saying that he was ready to leave but needed to stop and check on the out-of-state guy's progress. OK, call when you leave. That gave me time to get those dishes done. That gave me time to blow out the candles, eat by myself, and do my dishes. He called about 8:30 that he was leaving!

 

He detected that I was not very happy. Why? Really! So my not being happy with the crumbs that are being thrown my way caused him to come home in a down mood. He had a bad day at work, but I was the icing on the cake.

 

"Imagine how that made me feel when you said you had eaten and done your dishes."

 

"Imagine how I felt when you didn't make it home when you said. And I had a nice evening planned......"

 

It could have gone even further downhill, but I shared the Isaiah scripture with him, and what God had shown me through that. I reminded him that we are not each other's enemy, but we do have an enemy.

 

He was telling about the problems with work that were frustrating him, his frustrations with himself, etc. I said he needed to focus out. Don't focus on work or himself. Focus on ME!

 

He finally decided to go take a shower and maybe he would feel like something then. I said for him to go take that shower and come back and make mad, passionate love with me. I usually am not one to "kiss and tell"....but.....!

 

He's bummed out that he doesn't get his vacation this week.....other people are still getting their vacations. It's all because this other guy didn't manage to get his part done on getting this machine running. It still isn't going! I told him he has no pressure from me about the vacation......as long as he spends time with me. He said he has pressure from himself because it is not the week that he wanted.

 

This seems very appropriate. I wish I had thought of it last night: When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Would you like some lemonade?

 

At least we have a little time today. I need to leave in an hour to pick him up to go to his dental appointment. Hopefully we have time to stop by home for a few minutes.

[1love]

I failed to mention the computer.....he didn't even ask about it! He got his Bible out!

 

I just posted on his thread. What a day!