Guest jay Posted January 5, 2014 Report Share Posted January 5, 2014 Help! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Looney_Tunes Posted January 5, 2014 Report Share Posted January 5, 2014 Hi Jay! Welcome! A couple of admin things - please register and log in before you post. Otherwise, you show up as a guest and no one will see your post until an admin approves it. There are only a couple of us, so that could potentially take a few days. Once you see this, I will move you to the men's section. You'll get more help over there. In the meantime, tell us a bit of your story. How long have you been married? Kids? If I asked your wife what the top 3 issues are in your marriage, what would she tell me? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadjay Posted January 8, 2014 Report Share Posted January 8, 2014 Married 10 and a half years, have one daughter that just turned 2. My wife might say; the way I talk to her, they way I never listen, and The way I tell her she is always overreacting. (all while having a posture of anger). So I do not live with her all week due to school. I am in school 80 miles away. So I spend the week at school and the weekends at home. This has been going on for about a year and a half. One school responsibility required I stayed away for an entire month. The wife got to feeling good. Then when time came for me to come home she got to feeling bad. She decided that she was feeling bad because she was angry with me and had been for 8 years. So when I came home she told me not to come back. well I tried to work on it with her for a couple weeks. And that failed. I said a few crazy things, I never got angry. She was secretive and would not talk to me. I of course would try to talk to her. We tried to have "space." I like an idiot stalked her social media account and was able to read all her texts messages as her phone was under my plan. She caught me, I lied about it. We got into a long text war that night. The very next week she saw a lawyer without my knowledge. I was on much better behavior for the next 3 weeks. She consented to speaking to me on the phone. Her first words were that she was done, poured out, empty and wanted a divorce and just wanted to know what kind I wanted. All this took less than 6 weeks from the time she said she did not want me to come back to divorce. So your question will probably be what have I done? Well when I found out this was for real I immediately got on medication (I am on 3). I immediately went back to church the next day. I immediately got into counseling that week. I immediately stopped drinking which often made me hard to tolerate. There is no violence, no infidelity, no porn addiction. She is just done and empty and wants to get away from me as fast as she can because she is miserable. She does not let me see my child much- if I am lucky I might get to see my child a grand total of 8 hours the entire month of January over 2 days (it was originally 4 hours over 2 days). She changed the locks on the apartment and I now have to live elsewhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaryJane Posted January 8, 2014 Report Share Posted January 8, 2014 Have you read Joel and Kathy's two books? You'll need to start there as they will give you the foundational teachings of this ministry. You could also phone Joel. Looney_Tunes will likely give you more good info. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadjay Posted January 8, 2014 Report Share Posted January 8, 2014 I have read several books but I did not realize i needed to read specific books. I am a medical student so i will try to get to it when I have time Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Looney_Tunes Posted January 8, 2014 Report Share Posted January 8, 2014 Med school? You have my sympathy. Nursing school was bad enough. We suggest reading J&K's two books asap. You can certainly post here and get some help before you've read them, but what we tell you to do might not make a lot of sense until you understand the principles behind what we teach. The first principle to understand is that God created women to be responders. All of the behaviors your wife has exhibited are in response to the way you have treated her. I'm not saying you deliberately did anything wrong. You didn't love her the way she needed to be loved, most likely because you were never taught, and she is reacting out of her pain and hurt. I will be back later with a longer response. In the meantime, read this post and check off everything you have done in your marriage. You will probably find it eye opening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChooseLove Posted January 8, 2014 Report Share Posted January 8, 2014 I just wanted to agree with you Looney. Sadjay read the books ASAP, make it a priority as it will help open your eyes to becoming more Christlike and winning your wife's heart back. You are not alone in this. I am working to win my heart back after 8 1/2 years of marriage and two kids. This is a marathon - not a sprint. I made some of the same mistakes you did - leave her alone and focus on making changes in yourself. It sounds like you have already made several. Again please read the books, probably a couple times and get on the Men's call. Call Joel and he can add you to the calls, it is just $100 a month - well worth it as the calls are three times a week. I am praying for you now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadjay Posted January 9, 2014 Report Share Posted January 9, 2014 Thank you, I covet your prayers. My wife was in med school before me. I was a first year student when she was a 4th year student and that was the year we had our only child who just turned 2 on Christmas eve! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelandKathy Posted January 9, 2014 Report Share Posted January 9, 2014 (edited) Hi Jay, As ChooseLove and Cindy suggested, you are going to want to get and read our two books asap and join the men's group. We don't charge much for anything that we do. The two books are a total of $35 including shipping at www.JoelandKathy.com/cart/ You can call me to join the men's calls. 385-206-3128. The forum here is open and free, of course. You will find encouragement and help here too! Thank you Cindy and ChooseLove, for "manning" the forums! Blessings! Joel and Kathy -- --- Edited January 9, 2014 by JoelandKathy added a line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadjay Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 ugh she just told me her layer is filing on Monday! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadjay Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 she tells me she wants a divorce on December 20th and says her lawyer is filing on Monday....does this seem a bit too fast to anyone here? Should I contest? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4evrHZdtr3 Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Hello Sadjay,I realize this is a very painful issue for you right now. You just can't undo in a few minutes, hours or days what took years to create. Download those books and start reading. Sign up for the men's calls and start listening. Your goal is #1 to become Christ-like, and #2 to simultaneously love and serve your wife.In that process, hopefully you will win her heart (her mind, will and emotions) back to you. Even if you don't succeed in saving your marriage, if you walk this out you will still win big-time! You can't lose either way. I know it doesn't seem that way right now, but it really is true! The filing dates and requirements are usually different in various locations. i am not sure how she/you came up with a date of Dec. 20th? Was that a typo? And no you don't contest. You respond legally and give her everything she wants. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadjay Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 I don't have a choice but to contest. I have nothing. I depend on her support to help me through medical school. If she just held off for a few months I would let her go, but as it is, I would have to drop out of school and not finish with a quarter million dollars worth of loans Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaryJane Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 4evrHZdtr3 is right, you ought not to contest. However, you haven't read the books yet and may not understand. Please call Joel at this number: 385-206-3128. I think it would be good to discuss your situation with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadjay Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 The day she called me and told me she wanted a divorce was on december 20th 2013. She is filing this monday. I have a daughter she will not let me see. I must contest if i am to see my daughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Looney_Tunes Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 The main thing we teach here is for men to die to themselves - to give up what they want and put their wife first. The things you've said above are all about what YOU want and need. If you contest the divorce, I can pretty much guarantee that there will be no way to restore your marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadjay Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 She will take my daughter from me. That is avout what my daughter needs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Looney_Tunes Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Stop panicking. This ministry does not go along with the standard marriage advice you've probably heard all your life. That doesn't work. If it did, you wouldn't be where you are now. You need to come here with an open mind. If you don't understand why we're saying what we're saying, ask questions. I am not interested in coming here just to argue with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadjay Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Yeah im panicking Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChooseLove Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Like Looney said stop panicking. Take a moment and read Matthew 6:25-35 - https://www.bible.com/bible/111/mat.6.25.niv. Focus on what God wants - this is truly a time of SELF sacrifice. I am learning this myself. To die to self is to GAIN in Christ. Live this out and you will see the fruits of your faithfulness. Praying for you now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadjay Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 I appreciate your prayers. I cannot just switch off like a machine. It hurts me when I am criticised. I need prayer and encouragement Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaryJane Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 God can handle your feelings. He will not be turned off by them. Your wife, on the other hand, would be. Go to God. Let Him operate on your inner man. You can trust Him with everything! I'm sure you know this mentally. Ask God to help you EXPERIENCE His help. Is there some reason why you think your wife would not allow you to see your daughter? Have you ordered Joel and Kathy's books yet? The two together only cost about $35.00, but their value is priceless! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadjay Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 I am trying to get through some books now. I am a medical student and am doing as much as I can. I have already done everything I can to give it to God. It just does not switch off. I need ecouragement and grace. Any words of encouragement would be appreciated. I know what i have to do but it is not like a switch. It just takes a little time sometimes. I need support.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadjay Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 My wife thinks i want to kidnap my daughter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaryJane Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 My wife thinks i want to kidnap my daughter Probably because you are so panicky about it. Order Joel and Kathy's books -- or the audio versions. Read a chapter a day. They are not cumbersome reading. They will help you know exactly what to do while you "wait" for your marriage to turn around. Have you called Joel (the co-author of the books) yet? He can help you get that switch turned off. Here is his cell phone number: 1-843-298-0211 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.