Marriage in chronic fatigue

[FallenKnight]

Thanks for all the responses. Seems like this has been the most activity ever on my string.

 

LargeOne, hope you didn't take previous thoughts as an attack or minimizing your success. I went back and read again on your various strings (it had been a long while since I first read them) and am certainly impressed with your victories. No doubt you have a right to speak on these issues.

 

Thanks for the empathy Tigger, that goes a long way to re-energizing when you're down just to know that are others are in the mist of the same struggle are making progress.

 

GMS, some pretty profound words there. When you're at the brink of it all that can be quite a motivator. No, I don't want to get the brink to get motivated. My intention since before the Saturday call was not to whine and complain but, maybe that is what is and I just don't see it. I'm really not looking for an out just the stamina to carry through with making these new changes to my thinking and tendencies. If it is whining then forgive me and keep on cattle prodding me in the right direction. I have been praying and waiting for the POWER to really live a dynamic christian life for years so, I guess I will go on praying for it and trusting Him to give me that "enough to do what I'm doing right" now for His glory (in serving damsel).

[gms]

Knight - I don't think you are complaining so much as you are frustrated looking for the lights to come on and everything to be clearly understood so you can really move forward..."how do I do this?" I am saying that it won't come like that. There will be increasing clarity and strength as you continue to walk down the road of loving Damsel. Now many things seem confusing, then in a little while it will be less confusing. Now you feel somewhat weak, in a little while you will be stronger.

 

I love this prayer by Thomas Merton:

 

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

 

- Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"

 

Walk by faith, trusting in Christ, knowing that He can see what you can't and He can supply what you aren't; loving Damsel by faith and trusting that she will help you to make adjustments along the way as needed.

 

You both have really come a very long way already...wouldn't you agree?

[FallenKnight]

Brian, what you write reminds me of Isaiah 50.10-11

 

10 Who is among you that fears the Lord,

That obeys the voice of His servant,

That walks in darkness and has no light?

Let him trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.

11 Behold, all you who kindle a fire,

Who encircle yourselves with firebrands,

Walk in the light of your fire

And among the brands you have set ablaze.

This you will have from My hand;

And you will lie down in torment.

 

The New American Standard Bible, (La Habra, California: The Lockman Foundation) 1977.

 

I guess this is what they call 'living by faith'.

[damsel in distress]

[FallenKnight]

Well, I made it all the way through her list. Some days the attitude was good some days not so good. I did totally put the things I wanted to get done with work aside so as to get her honey do list done. One thing I have concluded from the last few days is that I need to work on watching my tone of voice and facial expressions when I exhausted and tired. Obviously, I don't realize the difference between tired and/or frustrated and being grumpy, but will work on it.

[damsel in distress]

Knight, You exceeded my expectations in getting everything done on my list. I am amazed. Both that you got them done, and that you are skilled to be able to do all those things. You truly made me and my wishes a priority. THank you. I will look at those things you did and think of how you sacrificed to get them done for me.

 

This next week, even though we will be so busy, I really need for you to stay connected to me. I am still feeling a little fragile and tentative. I hope you realize that "busy" is just a way of life for us and that we need to make a way to do the things we need to do to work on our marriage, even in the midst of "busy". Please keep me stocked up with my hugs and kisses and with hugs when we go to bed at night and hugs when we wake up. For some reason those things make the biggest difference in keeping me on an even keel emotionally. You have gotten off to a great start on it this morning. Thanks. Your Damsel

[gms]

Great job Knight! As Damsel said keep those hugs and kisses coming...

[damsel in distress]

[dory]

Amen guys! Keep up the good work! Is it REALLY "work"? I am guessing NOT! But boy, it SURE does pay off!

[FallenKnight]

Actually, it is work. Today doesn't seem to be going to well for damsel. She woke up sad and has been sad off and on throughout the day. Seems we made it through the company but are exhausted. Our oldest daughter is starting her first job next week. Yesterday and today I spent a few hours helping her get things in order to finish her application process. Even got to have lunch just the two of us. But, have been tired (woke up in the middle of the night and wasn't able to go back to sleep) so napped when I got home this evening. Still feeling groggy though. Took damsel with me to fulfill some obligations I had. She still seems to feel down and easily offended by the rest of us. I'm trying to stay connected but seems I talk when I shouldn't and don't communicate when I should. Looking forward to going to bed with her and getting this day over with.

[Abigail]

This is totally normal, knight....that she is sad...and that it is for reasons that seem odd to you.

 

I understand that you are venting here, but I can offer some feedback too:

 

There are lag times involved. A man's brain does not get the interconnectivity of a woman's processes, due to her brain's biochemistry and resultant physiology.

 

She will feel your spirit - that you can't wait to get this over with. This, in itself, is the opposite of the spirit you want to bring....even though you're tired too. Remember 1 Peter 3:7. You are to live in understanding with your wife.

 

You don't want undo all the good stuff you did while your company was visiting.

 

Just L.O.V.E. her. Listen. Offer an apology. Validate. and Embrace.

 

Whether or not you think she's wrong to feel and / or behave the way she did today.

 

If you just LOVE her, (undeservedly...as you are called to do), she will be much more likely to re-balance....she will respond (maybe with some lag times) to that which you initiate.

 

Love and truth, peace and forgiveness,

Abigail

[FallenKnight]

Thanks for the feedback Abigail. The reference to can't wait to get the day over with was not strictly to damsel's situation but that I knew that we were both still tired and needed to get a some rest for another full day Saturday. I know she is struggling with several feelings in our family relationships so I try not to take everything personally, trying to see it from everybody's perspective as best I can. It seems that she left for dance class this morning sad and tired still. We'll see how the day goes after she returns.

[Abigail]

fallen, you wrote:

 

It seems that she left for dance class this morning sad and tired still.

 

Again, just LOVE her....undeservedly.....and make sure you are a safe place for her to talk.

 

Pray it in so that your spirit is right: Centered, alert and alive (mindfully focused on the present - her), and lighthearted. This lightheartedness will be infectious (eventually...there may be some lag times involved), and will bring the spirit of Christ into your home.

 

God is your power source, and you are her power source. She will respond....eventually....to that which you initiate.

 

It is good that you are empathisizing with others' perspectives, but make sure you are not detaching from your responsibility to initiate as a result.

 

Your perseverence getting through the lag times brings honing and strengthening to you. God has planned it this way...on purpose...for your growth. He has a plan for you to prosper, and needs you to be strong.

 

Love and truth, peace and forgiveness,

Abigail

[damsel in distress]

[damsel in distress]

Knight, I need to feel like you are indeed working to win my heart back. I need to feel like you are glad we are on this journey and not like it is such a pain to you. I need to know what you are purposing to do besides trying for the 20 hugs and kisses and the caresses at night and in the morning. I feel like I do not know what to expect from you any more. Where are you at in this?

 

I'm sitting here, so tired. Needing to go to bed, but having such a hard time lying down beside you when I feel so disconnected, yet not feeling like I have any other option. Your (?) Damsel

[damsel in distress]

[kelleymatton]

[JoelandKathy]

Thanks for helping out here, Kelley!

[FallenKnight]

I just noticed last night that a new page had started on my string. So, damsel, I just saw your message from the 21st last night. I thought about it as I lay there awake in the early hours this morning and during my extra long walk this morning I thought about and began forming a response. But, before I put it here on the forum (and I plan to send it to by email as well) I want to make sure that I have thought this through and that I word it well. I don't what you say in any way as a threat or ultimatum. It does bring an exclamation point to our situation though. Over the past months I have been trying to do a reality check about the near future. What my desires are. What your desires and needs are that you have expressed about this point in our lives. What the realistic options are for us for the next few years. What our priorities should be during the next few years. I'll try to put that down in writing as best I can over the next couple of days.

[KathyandJoel]

Christlikeness is the goal.

 

We are glad that you two are sharing your journey with us and the hurting couples who find this forum. Seeing another couple go through hills and valleys and MAKING IT to an outrageously happy marriage is very encouraging - and the transparency is something that not everyone is willing to do - thus their journey does not help others until later.

 

You two are going to make it!

[dory]

Hope all is well.

[JoelandKathy]

Yeah folks... you seemed to get a breakthrough and then no updates! Hey... people want to know how you are doing!

[FallenKnight]

[JoelandKathy]

Well, welcome back.

 

It is quite a weird post - but better than nothing.

 

Have you been doing nothing about your relationship since September?

 

Where is Damsel?

 

Have you two been on any calls at all?

 

Watching the DVD once a week?

 

Reading the books each day?

 

The "steady" would be doing those bare minimum things that we asked you to do after the intensive.

 

If you have been just sitting in a funk (and Damsel, I hope you have not let him sit in a funk! - an active helpmeet would be throwing water on him if need be to get his attention to read or be on the call or watch the DVD!)

 

I am just throwing some things out here... your post is as if time stood still for you two.

 

It reminds me of a joke.. oh brother.. but here goes.

 

Two turtles are at steak and shake drinking their milkshakes. It starts to rain. One turtle says, "I will go get the umbrella - but don't you take a drink of my strawberry milkshake!"

 

The second turtle says "ok".. so the first turtle climbs down off the chair.

 

A couple minutes goes by. No turtle. No umbrella.

 

ten minutes, twenty minutes, an hour goes by. No turtle, No umbrella.

 

Two DAYS goes by. No turtle. No umbrella.

 

Two MONTHS goes be.. (I added this one!)... not turtle, no umbrella.

 

Finally, the second turtle says, "He ain't comin' back. I'm going to take a drink of his milkshake" .... and he slowly begins to reach over for the straw...

 

Suddenly he hears a low voice from under the table...

 

"if you take ONE SIP of my strawberry milkshake, I'm NOT going home to get the umbrella!"

 

That is the "feel" of your post. Two or three months ago, your wife asks you to get serious about becoming a great husband... and everyone figures, "well, they've either killed each other, or they are making passionate love every day and have not time to post or you fill in the blanks.."

 

and suddenly, from under the table, comes a low voice..

 

Hmm... let me think about this question now... Hmm... slow and steady seems best to me.

 

hello.... you are not getting any younger!

 

Welcome back though..

[damsel in distress]

Knight, Your (cryptic) post made me cry.

Joel, Your post made me laugh.

Damsel