belovedwarrior Posted August 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 I don't have a problem giving up and letting God have control. Matter of fact that is what this whole thing has been reduced to. The only thing I am able to do is pick my kids up every other weekend and if I am lucky my wife will stand on the porch and look at me for 10 minutes while we make sure we have everything. I send the gifts weekly and have done the b-day cake which I evidently royally screwed up. I know some of you are probably extremely frustrated with what I am asking and with my attitudes as well... but I have not ever said I know better than you all. I have thoroughly submitted to learning, have I not? If not, slap me around for that!! Please don't interpret my questions as argumentative- I am seeking understanding and evidently I need to work harder on being a better communicator as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giving Hope Posted August 6, 2009 Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 Listen I appreciate this, but you have to understand that you did come across as argumentative here. If we're seeing this, then your wife is probably feeling this as well, when you try to converse with her. We don't mean to come across as "slapping you around", we're trying to get your attention, so we can change the way you are seeing and doing things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 well then- was the anxiety and eggshell bit addressed thoroughly enough in the apology letter and because of that this is unecessary- possibly even, counter-productive? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 well then this is what we need to do- if I am such a mess and not going to be able to "learn" how to be unmessed- then I need to focus 100% on Christlikeness, keep my mouth shut and let Him infuse it into me with all the other character changes He'll make. How does that sound? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giving Hope Posted August 6, 2009 Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 Jeff was just telling me this: It's been less then 24/48 hours since you mailed off your apology letter to your wife...she hasn't even had the chance to read it, let alone process this...you need to give God a chance to work here..before you go off again and send something else. You want to rush this and do these things in your own timing...That is not letting go and letting God work here. Right now, you should never had even thought about sending a follow up letter. Right now, you should have been praying and asking God for the strength you need to face your wife and accept what is going to come. To be the Man here and grow up and accept the hurts that is going to re-surface in your wifes heart, once again... Right now you really are expecting that this letter is going to change everything around and she's going to come running back to you.. Sorry that's not going to happen...She's has to have TIME here...to watch and see...Remember YOU are trying to win her heart back....NOT her trying to win your's back... Your feelings in this right now do now matter...So put your own childish feelings away..die to them.. We never claimed that when you write this letter that she was just going to open her arms back up...heck no! I don't blame her one bit. ONLY by your actions will she watch and see if you are really truly making the heart changes you need to make...then MAYBE she will give you the time of day... You really haven't let go and given this all to God here...You are trying to jump ahead and take control again.... Slow down! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 Thank-you. Very well said and spoken very clearly. That is what I need. Did I just admit my thinking is childish?? If so- then I guess we ALL now know where I am developmentally. I really had no clue how to pray through my heart's preparation to the letter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giving Hope Posted August 6, 2009 Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 well then this is what we need to do- if I am such a mess and not going to be able to "learn" how to be unmessed- then I need to focus 100% on Christlikeness, keep my mouth shut and let Him infuse it into me with all the other character changes He'll make. How does that sound? YES!!! This is what everyone has been trying to tell you...SHUT YOUR MOUTH and LET GOD WORK HERE!!!!! (on a side note: Jeff and I have been working together, while posting to you, so alot of what was said has been said by the both of us...I am sitting here shaking my head, while Jeff has been sitting here screaming at the compture...both of us are wanting to strangle you right now..While we want nothing more than to see your marriage healed and happy, you really need to listen and not with just your ears here, but with your heart. We're not giving up on you, but you have got to get yourself out of your "poor is me" mentality here and grow up alot. For the next part of your life, you really need to make sure you are reading and staying in the word of God...Are you doing this? Are you making sure you are praying each and every day..sometimes all thought out the day...asking God to give you the strength that you need to make it to the next moment. Are you praying for your wife....Are you asking God to grant her health,happiness and wholeness? Or are you asking God to bring her back to you? IF you are asking the last..stop...Let God take care of that...Are you covering your whole family in prayers and love? It seems to us that all you are worried about it what you want and need...what about your your wife wants and needs? Your children want and need? It's time to step out of that mentality and get on and SHOW with your actions how God is working in your life!) Blessings Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 well I just got my first response from the apology letter...I was talking to my daughter about our weekend visit and she was saying how she wouldn't be able to come because she is babysitting Sat. 2 - 5. I then asked her to ask her mom if she was able to meet me half way Saturday and mom said she has got a lot going on... Saturday afternoon with work and all so I just said, I'll just pick you up when you are done babysitting if that is o.k. with your mom. Then instead of having her in the middle- I asked her to ask herr mom if she was willing to get on the phone. She came on the phone and sounded really sick... I asked, "are you o.k.? You sound like you may be sick." She: I'll be o.k. "but you really need to leave me alone. my body cannot continue to handle this. I am having panic attacks, I am on medication, I went to the E.R earlier- I now have a friend bringing me more medication." Me: I am really sorry what do you mean by "leave you alone?" She: You sending me letters, gifts, trying to text me and engage me in conversation. You can see the kids, we can talk about that but you really need to leave me alone and let me go. Me: I understand, I know I have caused you a lot of pain and I am so, so sorry. There are not words with enough meaning to adequately express how sorry I am... She: I am sick, this whole thing is tearing me up, I am losing weight, I am on medication, I am having panic attacks... Me: Is there.. She: there is nothing you can do for me, nothing I want you to do for me it's not just you- there is a lot of other stuff as well. Me: even in the depth of the pain I caused you- you are still gracious- you have every right to feel the way you do. I hear what you are saying. Did I screw this up as well? I so much wanted to avoid explanations- I was almost tongue tied altogether. I did listen, well, even to the point the silence felt awkward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 For the next part of your life, you really need to make sure you are reading and staying in the word of God...Are you doing this? Are you making sure you are praying each and every day..sometimes all thought out the day...asking God to give you the strength that you need to make it to the next moment. Are you praying for your wife....Are you asking God to grant her health,happiness and wholeness? Yes Are you covering your whole family in prayers and love? Yes what about your your wife wants and needs? Your children want and need? It's time to step out of that mentality and get on and SHOW with your actions how God is working in your life!) I will start to do devotionals with my children again this weekend. And I made it very clear howm much I want to see my daughter. I will be picking up the youngest two friday and going back on Saturday afternoon to get the older daughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giving Hope Posted August 6, 2009 Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 First.... If what you are saying is the whole conversation then you handled yourself pretty well there...You didn't justify your actions or makes excuses for yourself.... Now..what to do? GIVE HER SOME SPACE HERE.... When you give her a gift...make it look as if it's coming from the kids...Let the kids give her cards, flowers etc....THEY are NOT from you...they are from the Kids only!!! Only the Kids get to sign the cards.... She is going though alot of emotional and physical pain right now...Now you WAIT!!!! YOU DO NOTHING!!! YOU PRAY!!! Stay in the word of God.. Now you continue to live your life and become a Christlike man of GOD. Use what you are learning here on your children. Show, by your actions, to your children that you are changing here... You're wife is still processing all that has happened, what you are saying and the letter you just sent her...at this time (could be a few weeks/months now) you do nothing to push her at all. Listen to her heart here...give her some space...when she makes a request you do it right away...what ever it happens to be....You watch and wait....God is teaching you something here....this is NOT in your hands anymore...he's teaching you to rely on HIM now...Allow Him to work in your life... Continue to read, worship, pray and spend as much time with your children as you can... Let your children go back and tell "mom" how much you have changed...Children are pure in heart...they will let her know...YOU don't ASK them to tell mom these things....you let them tell her these things on their own.... Patience! Time to learn it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 Oh yeah. She also said I am no one's healer. It is not my job to heal her heart that is God's job. That was where I most wanted to argue with her about no- if I was the man God called me to be and I made things safe for you- I could help you heal. BUT I didn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giving Hope Posted August 6, 2009 Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 Thank goodness you didn't!!!! That would have NOT been a Christlike thing to say, in fact it would have come across as being manipulation to her... Keep on the path here...I really think God is trying to teach you some real life lessons here...be willing to hear there and act on them when they are revealed... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 Thank you so very much for the encouraging words. Would it be unwise for the kids to bring her home flowers when I drop them off this weekend? My thought is that would totally invalidate everything she asked of me-- I am thinking maybe next time or a month from now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 and you can say DUH!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giving Hope Posted August 7, 2009 Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 Ask them....... Say something like> Kids would you like to get some flowers for your mom? Nothing big there or anything...maybe find a field of wildflowers and let them pick some to take to her....Let the kids take all the credit for it.....Make it sound and feel like it was the kids idea...not yours... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 That is a good idea. I will keep my eyes open. Here is this mornings message / prophesy: SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by Marsha Burns -- August 7, 2009: Stop and discern. Let Me reveal spiritual reality in your life and circumstances. Quiet your soul and look intently to see that I have been guiding you and that I have directed and protected you in these days. Rejoice in knowing that I am with you in all things. I would have you be consciously aware of My presence. Look and see beyond the flesh and worldly concerns. Rise up in the Spirit and behold My face, says the Lord. You are not alone. I have never left you; I am here with you always. Matthew 28:20b ...lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age. And Wednesdays... SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by Marsha Burns -- August 5, 2009: Stand strong in the face of adversity. Know that I am with you and will guide you. Refuse to allow a spirit of fear to invade your spiritual environment, let My love and assurance rule. I have brought you thus far; will I not bring you the rest of the way in triumph? Trust Me, for I am God Almighty! There is nothing too difficult for me. I hear your prayers and receive your faith as it arises into My presence--a sweet smelling fragrance, says the Lord. 2 Corinthians 2:15 For we are to God the fragrance of Christ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 My scripture for this mornings devotional: 2 Timothy 3:14-17 (New King James Version)14 But you must continue in the things which you have learned and been assured of, knowing from whom you have learned them, 15 and that from childhood you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. 16 All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, 17 that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gms Posted August 7, 2009 Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 AMEN and AMEN BW - fill up your mind and heart with God's Word, He will change you from the inside out. On what Heather is saying about backing off and not giving your wife any gifts I agree 100%. Ask your kids if they would like to do something, but let it be their idea, you can help them put it together, but it needs to be from them alone. Heather already said this too, but it is good for you to hear it again; whatever your wife asks of you do it with a good attitude and don't look for any show of appreciation or affection from her. Your reward will be in doing the service for her. If you consistently do these small things well, she may trust you with bigger things in the future. Finally, keep your eyes fixed upon Jesus the author and finisher of our faith. Focus on His perfection and power, His grace and mercy, His unending and personal love for you. He is your source and hope for life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 Pray for us folks I am leaving to pick up my kids and will be face to face with my wife for the first time since she received the apology letter btwn 2:30 EST and 3:00EST. Pray I treat her properly- don't say anything stupid and can listen to her heart if extended that privilege. I'll post what happens later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted August 7, 2009 Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 BW, Very good job on the conversation with your wife. I am proud of you. I will agree with what heather and GMW have said about the gifts. Let the kids do things for her like the cards/flowers. Things like that. The kids will definitely report on any changes that they notice. But don't ask them too. They will do it on their own. We will be praying for you. God Bless,Jeff Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gms Posted August 7, 2009 Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 I am praying for you now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 She hid in the house behind the screen door I could not see through- she can see out. I interacted with my kids and asked my almost 14 year old step daughter while mom was elsewhere in the house to forgive me for hurting her-- she said very quickly without looking at me, "I already have" I said are you able then to tell me, "I forgive you for hurting me?" She paused looked down at the floor and after probably 30 seconds of heart searching said, "I forgive you for hurting me." I said thank you and hugged her telling her again that I truly do love her. I raised her from 3. Later when we had everything ready to go my wife said throught the door, "O.K..." and I left her porch immediately and we headed out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
For Him For Her Posted August 7, 2009 Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 Beloved Warrior, I know you may think what I am about to say is me picking on you but it surely is not. I interacted with my kids and asked my almost 14 year old step daughter while mom was elsewhere in the house to forgive me for hurting her-- she said very quickly without looking at me, "I already have" When I read this, I was like ALRIGHT but then I read this, I said are you able then to tell me, "I forgive you for hurting me?" She paused looked down at the floor and after probably 30 seconds of heart searching said, "I forgive you for hurting me." The first quote was a man realizing hurt that he caused this young lady and asking for her forgiveness but quote number two was a man manipulating the same young lady for the answer (HE) needed to hear. Forgiveness is a gift. A gift is given not taken. Your heart showed that you still expect things to go the way you want them. She already had stated she had forgiven you. Ask yourself, why did you need to hear her say it, in your preferred wording? This may seem like a little thing but it is actually huge. It shows that your feelings/agenda is more important than those you love. Your step-daughter will be asked about the conversation and when your wife hears how it transpired, I guarantee she will see it as manipulation. During this process, I have learned that the best testing grounds for my growth as a Christ-like man is my children. They feel/sense our hearts much better than we give them credit for regardless of their age.If they can tell something is wrong or not heart felt, they will let us know. I say all this with love in my heart. I gained that love by learning to unconditionally love all my loved ones. You can do this but again I think your heart and your brain are still out of sync. God Bless David Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 8, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 8, 2009 I would really like to see her soften her heart toward her siblings. I did it impulsively after convincing myself I was doing it so she might let go of the bitterness and stop directing the anger she has toward me at her younger siblings when she is left in charge. When ever they talk to me on the phone while mom is at work or talk about me there she is very discouraging toward their affection toward me and it seems to be increasing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 8, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 8, 2009 So what is everyone's take on what is the turmoil my wife is experiencing other than being in a lot of pain and processing the letter? I have to say I kind of feel foolish asking.. it seems everything I am doing lately is a big No, No. I know she needs space and to be left alone that is my intent. I talked with my counsellor and he said, "If she is experiencing turmoil, it is probably a good thing and not something you want to end up being the cause of... backing off is the only way she will realize the turmoil is within her. Let God continue to work on her." Just like you all have said as well, I know! I cannot help entertaining the thoughts occaisionally that maybe she would just rather remember me as the louse so she can freely move on but if that were the whole truth she wouldn't have admitted the letter and the gifts were causing her part of the conflict right? I know- I am analyzing the heck out of this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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